Top Ten Things YOU Didn’t Know About Darth Vader’s Suit!

January 1, 2016511 Comments

Happy New Year! Last video of 2015! Rich and Mike learn lots of new things about Darth Vader’s iconic suit! CLICKBAIT!

Filed in: General Updates

  • dollar store cashier wife

    We already seen this you hack frauds!

  • Red Skeleton

    When you bitch about the lack of good movies in January I never realized you were talking about your own webzone.

  • Palpatine

    Ah, I fondly remember the Surgical Reconstruction Center named after myself.

  • Palpatine

    Ooh, burn!

  • Andrew

    Why do I always fall for these videos?

    Also, where’s Space Cop?

    Also, where’s the next Plinkett Review of Space Cop?

  • “sometimes shortened to ChanPal SuRecon Center”

  • Space Cop came out last year. I think..

  • Palpatine

    We should just go to Wookiepedia, find random articles, and then post and make fun of them here.

  • NicCagesHair

    If this is what the EU is like I completely understand why they threw it out.

  • NicCagesHair

    Clickbait videos? Looks like RLM’s new year’s resolution is to sell out!!!!

  • NicCagesHair

    I love how you renamed it after yourself then cut the funding so they had to make Vader’s helmet shiny to distract from the shitty job they did. That is true evil.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    “That all means something to somebody.”

  • Red Skeleton

    Gotta love those resolutions you’ve already met. Next year I resolve to breathe at least once a day.

  • Domo

    I hope when you’re done with all these Star Wars toys that you consider donating them to a ManChildren’s charity.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    They are the ManChildren’s charity.

  • Red Skeleton

    I’m told you can see the smoke rising from this thread as far away as reddit.

  • Boose Rolton

    You probably built it on Alderaan didn’t you, you sly rascal?

  • Red Skeleton

    Downvoted, unsubscribed, cancelling my Patreon ManChildren Donation.

  • Captain Matticus, LP Inc.

    This is why we can’t have nice things!

    Wookiepedia is a disease. A cancer of our internet.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    Almost none of this information is in the Visual Guide. Where the hell do these Wookiepedia people find out about this stuff?

    But what is mentioned in the Visual Guide, is that apparently it was Vader’s scream, you know, that low growl, that destroyed the Emperor Palpatine’s Surgical Reconstruction Center, instead of his angry Force stuff.

  • Why do people say the Expanded Universe was so great? It seems like it is all rambling meaningless minutia.

  • There are some pretty cool stories to be found in the EU.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    Like the one, where an Imperial officer accidentally displays a hologram featuring Yogi Bear, instead of the one with Death Star’s schematics. He then apologizes, saying that his daughter must have gotten them mixed up.

  • Boose Rolton

    Well, most of it is utter garbage. One can cherry-pick a few other decent pieces of writing from it, but those are written by people who knew what they were doing anyways. The Knights of the Old Republic games for instance.

  • RLMkeepitup

    surgery there is described as less than pleasant. sounds more like a torture chamber for the modern age

  • Domo

    Since Rich has his own sex toy with R5D4, who’s gonna use Darth Vader as their sexual relief? And how?

    Is that something that’s covered in the EU? I sure hope so.

  • RLMkeepitup

    that’s the dumbest part, its so dumb I refuse to accept it as pseudocanon.

  • Karl

    This video was going to be in 3D, but they couldn’t do that because of budget constraints.

  • SatanicOverlordSemjenzsolt

    I suffer from a rare condition that has left me with literally no imagination.
    But with the help of this video I could finally enjoy Star Wars as normal people.
    Could you please make a video next about General Jan Dodonna’s shoe size?
    Thanks Guys!

  • RLMkeepitup

    the way Mike was gesturing with vader kinda makes me wonder.

  • RLMkeepitup

    the jpg for the video is the most clickbait thing RLM has produced to date.

  • Domo

    The way he strokes that helmet.

    Oh my.

  • Boose Rolton

    Might happen. I’m pretty sure they didn’t seal the suit’s “exhaust port”. They were on a budget, you see.

  • RLMkeepitup

    it depresses me to think this may one day be a legit condition. first affluenza , next imagine deficit disorder

  • LukasWormTheThird

    I like this guy’s comment.

    http://i.imgur.com/dYuL3fi.jpg

  • This guy’s comment was pretty cool, too.

  • HeftyJo

    Who would have thought that even Darth Vader was subject to bureaucratic budgetary constraints. Sure the Empire can afford to build a space station the size of a friggin’ moon but we can’t afford to get a nice pair of boots that actually fits. Quick, buff that helmet with with woodu fur till it’s nice and shiny and nobody will notice the annoying beeping computer on his chest. My work gave me a clock after 5 years of service. Wouldn’t the Emperor at least be like, “For our appreciation of 5 wonderful years of choking people, we’ve bought you a new pair of bionic knees that don’t short out when you go down the stairs ; and a cake you can drink through your vita-past straw.”. Poor Darth Vader, the guy was just cranky cuz he couldn’t get a good nights sleep.

  • Cat Stevens

    Apparently you can just add stuff. I just gave Luke Skywalker a middle name.
    http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Luke_Skywalker%27s_Middle_Name

  • Cat Stevens

    Wookipedia is fun. I just gave Luke Skywalker a middle name.

    http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Luke_Skywalker%27s_Middle_Name

  • Where did they get all this lore?

  • MonkeyKing1969

    Was this written by a 15 year old or merely a colossal adult virgin with no social life?

  • Percy Gryce

    When’s the next New Year’s 24-hour Stream-a-Thon?

  • RLMkeepitup

    365 years

  • Percy Gryce

    I’ll be dead by then.

  • Cat Stevens

    Nevermind…they’ve already flagged my invaluable and Canon addition for deletion. Will try to contest.

  • Marvin Falz

    Absolutely! The novelizations of Star Wars (1977), The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi … … oh, wait.

  • Cat Stevens

    Rich Evans not having it. Entry deleted.

  • Thanatos2k

    Sigh….I actually knew the part about his gloves….

    So wait, Palpatine seriously was Anakin’s father? Someone actually wrote up that midichlorian backstory garbage? Was it Lucas? Who thought up something that moronic?

  • Like Icare

    He uses the Force to stimulate his prostate and vestigial nerves that used to lead to sexual organs. The rest he does through meditation in his chamber.
    His nutsack was burned off by lava.

  • Like Icare

    That’s not Clive Owen. That’s Mike Stoklasa.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    Come on, you’ve already made it over hundred years. You can push another three centuries.

  • Paulus Nuns

    UNLIMITED POWER!!!

  • Thenightgaunt

    Yeah. This is the upside to Disney dumping all the extended universe material. There was a lot of just pure shit that various authors, video game designers, and comic book writers crammed into the series.

  • dollar store cashier wife
  • RLMkeepitup

    young white males, the same demographic that plays them video gamez

  • dollar store cashier wife

    who that?

  • LukasWormTheThird

    Rando lamo. Totes.

  • dollar store cashier wife

    True dat!

  • Mugato

    Why is he talking like that?

  • Cakefarts

    One more thing you did not know … https://i.imgur.com/rd5jhzV.gifv

  • WrongWithYourFace

    More like “ChanPal SureCon Center”, am I right?

  • marko112kg
  • Now I Get It

    Clearly he’s forgotten about his time machine, not to mention all the bricks of hashish lining the upholstery of his tine nachine that he’s forgotten about, probably because of all the hash he smokes. …Wait, what?

  • Rick Sanchez

    [IMG]http://i.imgur.com/ojUGYH7.jpg[/IMG]

  • tOmy`

    “Emperor Palpatine Surgical Reconstruction Center” should be a theme ride.

  • RLMkeepitup
  • Palpatine

    That name gets funnier every time I see it.

  • Gallen_Dugall

    Rich Evans’ amusement amuses me.

  • dollar store cashier wife

    how was The Grand Budapest Hotel [2014]?

  • This is almost as much click bait as Rich Evans Tinder profile.

  • tOmy`

    Pretty intense, freezing cold and generally a night to remember… unfortunately, we don’t remember it.

  • Emperor Palpatine Surgical Reconstruction Center can fix that.

  • RLMkeepitup

    only almost, because its not truly bait if once you click you’re entirely satisfied.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    As much as we all enjoy Rich Evans, Mike Stoklasa is his greatest fan.

  • Commander X

    What’s great is the wookipedia article sounds like a combination of fan fiction and parody…”at the newly renamed Emperor Palpatine Surgical Reconstruction Center” is just sublime

  • Palpatine

    Feel free to read along with Mike using the Wookiepedia article on Darth Vader’s Armor:
    http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Darth_Vader's_armor

  • infernocanuck

    It’s actually really disturbing how close a fucking spoof to those insufferable Youtube videos comes to the real thing.

  • *swipes right*

  • Markham

    Out of the expanded universe, I have only read the book Death Troopers. It was Star Wars… with zombies!

    It was all right.

  • Earth

    I was about to say, there really needs to be more mocking of internet culture’s self-importance.

  • The Wicker Man (BWF)

    Fuck you all to sleep for not doing a streamathon and Happy New Year you miserable, lazy frauds.

  • Admiral Bone-to-Pick

    Oh my god. At first I thought you were making all this shit up. Then a couple minutes in I looked it up and saw this is actually all from Wookieepedia. Jesus Christ! (Oh… I mean, “Forgive me Jesus for including you in this comment, I know you hate click-bait too.”)

  • Star Wars with zombies? Sounds just like the prequels! *badum tssh*

  • Are you saying you want to be home alone with Rich?

  • ????????????????????????????????????

  • The Wicker Man (BWF)

    More than I care to admit…Zhan Trilogy, Tales From Mos Eisley and Jabba’s palace were good.

  • Jason Ross

    Sounds amazing. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. This needs to be turned into a film immediately.

    I mean, all you need to add is a pair of giant tits and a plate of sizzling bacon, and I wouldn’t need to watch anything else for the rest of my life.

  • The Wicker Man (BWF)

    Darth Vader: Victim of intergalactic bureaucracy.

  • *swipes left *

  • Palpatine

    Only Wookieepedia can have articles that are both in depth and nerdy at the same time.

  • bassbait

    My phone is so about to die I’ll have to geek out about vader’s suit later!!!

  • Palpatine

    Get it repaired at the Emperor Palpatine Surgical Reconstruction Center.

  • Palpatine

    Enter the bureaucrats, the true rulers of the Republic.

  • paranoialookout

    “Last video of 2015!”
    Posted January first. I don’t think you guys made it.

  • bassbait

    One time I looked at the pictures in the phantom menace novel. That’s my only EU experience.

  • bassbait

    See everyone tomorrow when I make it home safely jk I never play it safe because I live life on the edge B)

  • Paulus Nuns
  • RLMkeepitup

    only until they’re forced out of office

  • Michael Collins

    Is this more clickbait?

  • Michael Collins

    LOL on 1:00…called it!

  • disqus_fnwCMQDX7u

    As ridiculous as this is, it explains why Kyle ten seems more powerful yet is still worried about being weaker than Vader, if Vader has to use the force constantly just to move, while Kyle can focus his force on other aspects. Maybe he also uses the helmet so he can torture himself with constant beeping and annoying breathing like some floggulation.

  • David Axelord

    The “Emperor Palpatine Surgical Reconstruction Center” makes me wonder how many Emperor Palpatine Boulevards and Emperor Palpatine Elementary Schools there are.

  • Imesseduptheemail

    People blaming wookieepedia below for this are completely off. Their job is to archive this information, they’re not responsible for the people who wrote it or how dumb it is.

  • RLMkeepitup
  • Spoiled Ants

    I love those DoucheBro News, reminds me of the classic HitB episode when they went to Comic Con.

  • Thanatos2k

    They couldn’t have just made that up though, could they? Did it come from somewhere? A shitty book at least?

  • Thanatos2k

    The fact that “Emperor Palpatine” is actually on it cracks me up since no one in the entire set of movies calls him “Emperor Palpatine”

  • Thanatos2k

    The real Phantom Menace

  • Palpatine

    There were plenty of them.

  • Noah R.

    Ahhhh. The extreme ups and downs of the EU…. Sometimes I love it and sometimes I loathe it.

  • Officer Meow Meow Fuzzyface

    FUCK YOU IT’S JANUARY!

  • and shoots up them schools

  • I posted this on the other thread but I’ll repost it here for because I enjoy it so much.
    According the Wookiepedia entry on Vader’s suit:

    “Overwhelmed by his despair,…Vader broke his bindings on the operating table and struggled to walk under the sheer weight of his new mechanical legs. His subsequent rage destroyed the medical droids that had worked on him to save his life and severely damaged the interior of the main laboratory. It also caused a worker to go deaf permanently.”

  • MHJ

    That doesn’t look like it has budget restrictions lol!

  • Cream-A-Thon

    He should have just stuck with the pantaloons like Palpy said. They’re stylish!

  • Joe

    I wonder if they are frustrated that their ironic clickbait is doing so well.

  • Joe

    The “Emperor Palpatine Surgical Reconstruction Center” is not to be confused with “The Count Dooku Intensive Care Unit wing of the St. Jar Jar of latter day Gungans Hospital”

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    I blame Andrew.

    Seriously, it’s George Lucas’ fault.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    Mike and Rich don’t care about time or dates.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    Still, not as funny as The Thirteen Reasons Donald Trump Will Make the Best President Ever.

  • Lt Hurwitz

    I always imagined that the armor was made to make Vader a super badass, but nope it was made of gondarks and caused him to be weak and in constant pain.

  • Lt Hurwitz

    Where is the Point Break review you hacks?

  • josef2012

    it’s a Time Cop extra.

  • Like Icare

    “J.J. Abrams, he’s a good director, a good friend,” Lucas told Rose.

    That sounds like Obi Wan talking about Anakin Skywalker to Luke.

  • Like Icare
  • Milton Dammers

    This really makes Luke Skywalker look like a complete asshole for picking a fight (twice) with an elderly cripple living in constant pain and severe psychological trauma.

  • Like Icare

    It’s in-family abuse of the elderly.

    Sorta like what happened to Mickey Rooney.
    Luke was beating up Vader and stealing his pension checks to buy himself sports-speeders.

  • Jason Ross

    A major part of my holiday activity involved playing with those Vader dolls at Wal-Mart.

    Placing two figures across from one another, raising the lightsabres up like a sort of salute &c.

  • Yawwwwwwn!

  • The video wath pothted on Dec 31 on YouTube. Get your fatth thtrait.

  • This is shit. I still don’t know what the black goo was.

  • They also didn’t clarify why Vader’s codpiece looks like a holder for a strapon.

  • That’s where he puts his lightsaber when he goes to bed.

  • They should do a comparison video. 10 bucks says the first one is still better.

  • Another thing you didn’t know about Vader’s suit is that despite his hatrd of sand and the suits vulnerability to its grains, he still found time to take his daughter to the beach. https://m.imgur.com/a/meqzk#

  • Jerome Gorden

    News Flash: George Lucas just trashed The Force Awakens. He said that he sold out his fans to “White slave-traders” (aka Disney). He said the new movie completely lacked creativity and originality. Lucas also insinuated that the prequels were superior. What a delusional nutcase.

  • TheseMenAreFrauds

    I have a problem. The more I think about “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” the less I like it. On the surface it’s a good movie. There are spaceship battles and lightsaber duels and characters with unique backstories. The scenes are competently shot. The dialogue is clever. Then I think about the logic of the world and the movie falls apart.

    Finn and Rey find the Millennium Falcon exactly when the plot requires. Rey expertly pilots the ship on her first attempt. They get pulled into another ship where Han Solo just happens to be present. Plot conveniences like these rob the movie of tension.

    And how did that yellow Pixar monster-looking alien get Luke’s lightsaber? “That’s a good question for another time,” she says. If Disney wants to save certain details for the sequel, so be it. But movies tend to feel meaningful when characters tell stories and have proper conversations. If all they do is spout exposition and one-liners, then the movie feels superficial.

    There’s more to say, but only a Plinkett analysis could truly do this movie justice. To me it felt like a ride at Disney World: fun, nonsensical, and shallow.

  • -“Why can’t I have a new suit!?”
    -“There’s no money! These rebels keep blowing up all of our Death Stars!”
    -“You’re just a cheap piece of shit!”
    -“I’ll zap you! So help me, Snoke, I’ll zap you right in your chest computer!”
    -“Try me!”

  • One thought that popped up everytime the Empire (whatever) showed up in their shiny gear and complex structures was: “Who pays for all this shit!?”

  • tOmy`

    Space Obama.

  • They had to put the baby formula pouch somewhere. Sacrifices where made, the team had to cutback on unnecessary functions. He wasn’t much of a looker anyway, with his crisp, curly, pork rind remainder of a dick. The balls were just straight up burned off, deep dipped in lava.

  • Is that canon?

  • tOmy`

    Well, here you have it in a full chrome body armor:

    Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, 16 December 2016
    Star Wars Episode VIII, 26 May 2017
    Star Wars Anthology: Hans Solo, 25 May 2018 (An actual typo from the article)
    Star Wars Episode IX, 2019
    Star Wars Anthology: Boba Fett, 2020

    Anyone else noticed how they don’t even give a fuck about titling it properly?

  • Search your feelings.

  • tOmy`

    RLM is relative.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    Its strange I feel like I have seen this video before.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    Taxation of trade routes.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    I’m watching the X-Files right now. maybe they know…

  • tOmy`

    Are you implying that the truth is somewhere out there?

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    I have it. and no i’m not sharing!

  • Have you been messing with the flux capacitor again, Doc?

  • Hans Solo: Mein Kampf with das Empire? I approve!

  • tOmy`

    “If Disney wants to save certain details for the sequel, so be it.”

    I think that is more of a case of “let someone else figure this shit out down the road.”

  • tOmy`

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kK11F70uPlI&feature=youtu.be&t=13s

    Speaking of: Isn’t Mad Skill your fellow countryman?

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.
  • Red Skeleton

    Great Scott! He’s created an alternate 2016, where this video was posted one day later! …. And it’s still shit!

  • Star Wars: Kit Fisto and a Party Gone Wild

    A buddy comedy starring Ed Helms as Kit Fisto and Gilbert Godfried as C-3PO. The Jedi are being murdered left and right but that does not stop Kit Fisto from partying. Living the life to the fullest without falling to the temptations of the dark side. And whoooah his new best friends C-3PO has just upgraded his voice synthesizer and is ready for an all night bender in Cooroshaanthg.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Only if you’re lucky.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Every street on Coruscant is Emperor Way, Palpatine Cir, Emperor Palpatine Dr, etc.

    Makes pizza delivery a bitch.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Couldn’t he have just bolted a piece of sheet metal to the front of that cpu so he wouldn’t have to worry about someone pressing his buttons?

  • Joe Syxpac

    Merry fuck you it’s January, Meow Meow!

  • Joe Syxpac

    Turns out Vader had just saved up enough money in his change jar to afford a new suit when the rebels blew up the first Death Star. Luckily it was insured, but Palpatine made him pay the deductible. Coincidentally that cost just as much as a new suit.

  • TheseMenAreFrauds

    That’s a perfectly valid interpretation.

  • TheseMenAreFrauds

    “Pushing his buttons”… so many missed opportunities for puns in the originals. Imagine in that scene when he’s confronting Princess Leia, in the middle of him speaking she presses the buttons on his suit.

    Vader:”Where are the plans?!”
    Leia: *furiously presses buttons*
    BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP BOOP
    Vader: *sighs*

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    Yo, girl. Sorry, ’bout The Empire.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    More important question: Defuck you do to your eyes?

  • The acid hasn’t worn off yet.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    You lost me at “characters with unique backstories.”

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    I want to believe.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    The fire down below, um, was extinguished.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    Kinky! P-tyew, p-tyew, p-tyew.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    It just doesn’t feel like a year I want any part of, if there’s not going to be Ishtar jokes to kick it off.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    Zero multiplied by zero is always zero.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    Let me be the first to say “I was wrong.”

    According to Walt Disney Studios, The Force Awakens will pass Titanic ($658.7 million) Friday to become the second highest-grossing film of all time domestically. It also will pass Jurassic World ($652.3 million) to become the No. 1 film in 2015 domestically. Disney says that as of December 31, The Force Awakens’ domestic box office total is an estimated $652 million and the international box office total is an estimated $679.2 million. Final numbers are out Monday.

    Take that, Originality and Risk!

  • Spoiled Ants

    Maybe that’s why his suit sucks, because those droids weren’t finished doing their job while Vader threw a fit.

    Palpatine:”You don’t like my expensive medical droids? Well, we can write that off your paycheck. No medical treatments and painkillers for the next 30+ years. Happy now?…oh and by the way: the story about Sith Lords saving pregnant women from dying. That was all bullshit.”

  • Why not install a retina display with multi touch? Is a god damn sith lord not good enough for that?

  • For this to be real clickbait there needs to be some cleavage on the thumbnail. Come on, Rich, show ’em to us!

  • Spoiled Ants

    So heroine became legal and taxed in the Star Wars universe?

  • Spoiled Ants

    I don’t see the soft reboot of the Christmas Special

  • Han Solo has always been my main pusher man.

  • Spoiled Ants

    *Leia pushes yellow release button*
    Vader’s artififical bladder and soiled diaper fall on the ground.

  • Like Icare

    The little guy. It’s always the little guy.

  • TheseMenAreFrauds

    It wasn’t in the budget.

  • Like Icare

    No shit.

  • Spoiled Ants

    That makes Kylo Ren a good guy in good-old Charles Bronson fashion.

  • TheseMenAreFrauds

    I’ve been away for a while so I’m unsure what the other hack frauds that frequent this message board thought of the film.

  • TheseMenAreFrauds

    I want to like the characters because the actors did a good job. I just wish the film told us more about them besides almost nothing.

  • Lt Hurwitz

    I always thought the first one is a lot of fun, but it had Busey, Swayze, Reeves. The new one has indistinguishable white guy #6, and Eurotrash villain #3. I do find Mike’s pain humorous though, like we all do.

  • TheseMenAreFrauds

    We’re back to the old Hollywood studio system. Except instead of war epics adapted from classic literature we have action flicks based on comic books. This is the world we have wrought.

  • Like Icare

    Anyone seen The Big Short?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWr8hbUkG9s

    It’s fascinating.
    It manages to play like a comedy (from the creator of Anchorman, Anchorman 2, The Other Guys, Step Brothers, Talladega Nights, The Campaign, The Ant-Man…) – while actually being a drama.
    It is about boring and incomprehensible things – which it acknowledges several times with some VERY explicit breaking of the fourth wall to stop and explain things to the uneducated masses.
    It shows the audience all the struggles of a small group of underdogs – while acknowledging AGAIN AND AGAIN that they are no better than the people responsible for it all.

    But the best part is that throughout the movie it is actually berating and criticizing the audience for its willful ignorance and blindness and barely concealed greed which has allowed it all to happen.
    Sure… Banks made it all happen – while you people were busy ogling celebrities and stuffing your face AND LIVING WAY BEYOND YOUR MEANS.
    All the while being busy ignoring what’s happening.

    There’s a scene where during their investigation of the housing market they go door to door to check have the owners been paying their mortgages.
    So a big tattooed guy in a dirty wifebeater opens the door and we find out that he’s renting the house from a guy who took out the mortgage in HIS DOG’S NAME.

    Tattooed guy has small kids and has been paying rent and it’s “not his fault” BUT… Though the guys tell him to talk to his landlord about the mortgage it is obvious he just ignored the warning – as we later see him and his wife and three little kids (Or was that four? Five? Whatever… he has small kids.) living inside their car.

    And if you’re not paying attention and just going by what is shown right that moment – your instincts tell you to feel for that poor family, left out in the street like that.
    Except that’s 2008.
    More than two years after some guy came along asking questions about the mortgage on the house they’re living in and told them that their landlord’s dog is their actual landlord.

    I.e. That feeling you got?

    That’s you feeling sorry for the cricket after the ant tells him to go fuck himself, slams the door in his face, then goes back to his warm cup of cocoa and his copy of the Wall Street Journal.

    The movie should be called “HEY STUPID! It’s the economy. YOU FUCKING IDIOT!”
    Levels of contempt for the audience are just… off the chart.

  • Like Icare

    The feelings are mixed as yet and there is no common consensus.
    I was just acknowledging and agreeing with your findings in a laconic yet colorful fashion.

    Personally, those points you mention (and others) jumped at me the moment I saw the movie.
    RLM has infected me with analytical approach to watching movies. I’m doomed.

  • bleurgh

    Luke also had exceptional piloting skills despite living in the desert all his life and never actually pilotting any kind of space craft.

  • TheseMenAreFrauds

    That’s a strong comparison. It’s a case of Disney attempting to copy the magic of the original Star Wars and inadvertently copying some of that movie’s problems, too.

  • Earth

    Meh, the only real issue I have is how they worked Han Solo into the movie. (that and the EVEN BIGGER DEATH STAR, which actually served very little point other than to give Poe something to do.)

    They’re just not really issues I can get worked up about. Wouldn’t mind a Plinkett review though, although I’m more interested in the behind-the-scenes of the movie than the movie itself.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    Yeah, I saw it. Liked it, but got just a little bored with it. It’s a tripartite structured film that probably could’ve lost a partite, but I don’t know which I’d amputate. I dug the Fourth Wall-breaking gimmick. Never got tired of it. I also appreciated that it sometimes used that effect to satirize the liberties filmmakers take with “Based on True Events” type movies.

    I thought Christian Bale was great, as a near-autistically anti-social financier. I keep insisting I’m not a fan of Bale (his Batman remains an abomination), but he continues to impress me in his non-fantasy-type stuff.

    I didn’t get the same anti-public vibe you got. I think the portrayal of that big, tattooed greaser was sorta sympathetic. Yeah, I suppose you have to blame celebrity obsession on the obsessed, but, since I’m not one of those, I tend to see the current fascination with bling and Box Office and the sex lives of the rich and stupid to be more the fault of a willfully distracting corporate/political mentality. Guess I’m just paranoid like that.

    ★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆

  • TheseMenAreFrauds

    When they showed the Death Star next to the BIGGER DEATH STAR on a hologram I almost laughed. It was like something out of a Mel Brooks movie.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    Except the old Hollywood studio system still provided better films. Disney will just continue to give us crap aimed at our inner six year-olds.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    What if he had to push his own buttons, though? Vader never struck me as being smart enough to deal with a hinge.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    Followed by…

    Star Wars Episode X: Another Star War, 2021
    Yoda: A Star War Puppet Play, 2022
    Star Wars Episode Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, 2023
    Star Wars Anthology: ReCasting Max Von Sydow (Because He’s Dead), 2024
    Star Wars Episode You Dummies Are Still Here?, 2025
    Star Wars Anthology: Vader’s Pantaloons, 2026

  • And a special edition of the Ewok movies coming in 2016!

  • TheseMenAreFrauds

    Who needs Doctor Zhivago when we have Doctor Manhattan? Lawrence of Arabia? More like Rey of Jakku! Amiright??

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    The only really unique character is the Conscientious Objector Stormtrooper, though his archetype isn’t really original — he’s just the reformed guy from the other side of the tracks (kinda the Han Solo substitute). The others are just all reboots of the old characters in (lazy) new shapes, genders, or states of whining.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    Dude, have ye no faith? It’s all been mapped out in yuge production meetings, down to the scintilla of detail, all the way to 2035! These guys are genyooses!

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    Fun! Let’s have Fun! We don’t have enough Fun!

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    Is this, like, a wax-on / wax-off kinda thing?

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    It will be. That’s what Disney plans to turn “It’s A Small World” into.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    Sidious and Plagueis Cosbied the whole galaxy far, far away.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    Wokke, Wokke, Ewoks: Those Crazy Furries!

  • Earth

    I don’t want to put Harrison Ford down, because I enjoyed his performance in the movie (it’s probably the first time in twenty years that he’s actually “acted”) but I can’t help feeling that he pulled the movie down by wanting to “get it over with”. So they introduced Han Solo in quickly, when really he should’ve appeared half-way or even later (around the same time as Leia) and then should’ve continued into the second film (that being where the ‘event’ happens). My friend and I were saying after watching that there hadn’t been enough build-up with him, Leia and Kylo Ren.

    So with that all I can say is that I actually really like the story and new characters, I just wish the film (and I assume the trilogy) were structured a little better (and that they didn’t feel the need to have stupid Death Star’s).

  • Earth
  • Like Icare

    Bale is a fantastic actor.
    He’s like DDL without all the “I can’t take it any more I’m off to make shoes” bullshit.

    As for berating the public/audience…
    The reason it is fascinating is that the movie is both obvious about its criticism AND how due to the nature of the story which presents clear villains for everyone to hate – it is imperceptible.

    But if you just take a moment… narrator tells the audience that it’s only pretending to understand what it’s all about so as not to look stupid, we get economic lessons from Margot Robbie as Margot Robbie in a bubble bath (take that Scorsese), a celebrity chef and Selena Gomez as Selena Gomez… while passage of time is displayed as a series of images of things shown in the media in the meantime (i.e. trivial “news” everyone was busy watching)… Carell is having a shouting fit about how everyone is clueless… and then just before everything is about to crash movie LITERALLY reminds us that “truth is like poetry… everyone hates it”.

    Fuck Prestige and its “you don’t see cause you don’t want to see”.
    This movie is a live exercise in self-delusion.

    Even all those stars and celebrities in bit parts… where you end up looking at Brad Pitt’s beard or Melissa Leo’s glasses or Karen Gillan in a bikini… while at the same time you’re seeing painfully pathetic reasons for the collapse of the global economy – but your brain doesn’t.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    To be fairer, we’re not all 6 years-old.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    Audience-shaming is the new Meta. Besides this, there was JURASSIC WORLD which reasoned, at the script level, that all of its stupidity was due the audience needing a bigger, scarier dinosaur and TOMORROWLAND which had audience cynicism and lack of innocence as plot points. Superhero movies routinely wink and nod, reminding the audience how dumb the source material, in asides or at the basic costume level. One of the bigger compliments paid to the new Star Wars has been that it’s not the Prequels. It’s safe and comfortable for the audience. What’s to criticize about that?

    The Big Dumb Down has now become intrinsic.

  • Palpatine

    Yeah, we sure did.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    Why are we so-certain Han Solo is dead? We’ve seen somebody saved at the bottom of a shaft before in Star Wars. Besides, it’s Disney: Baloo always gets up.

  • tOmy`

    Speaking of Star Wars: Rectify – Season 2 (Sundance TV)

    So after initial 6 hours of people talking, here comes another 10 hours of people talking; this time with less tears and more focus.

    The over-educated TV show continues where it left off the previous season. Surreal visions accompany story of people trying to come to terms with what happened during the finale’s cliffhanger. Show now takes more time to focus on characters, transforming them from under-written-characters talking in over-written-way to properly-written-characters talking in almost-over-written-way. For better or worse, this helps to clearly establish of what is the next 10 hours (couple of days in TV show time) actually about: People talking. Oh, and something about consequences and the utter wreckage of people’s live.

    All cynicism aside, writers clearly stepped up and cleared the table to deliver heavier drama punches and even more meditation, focus and storytelling, all revolving around one incident that is still haunting a small city 20 years after the fact, and two more that can be traced to it. The underlining vibe of crime story is even more present, as characters slowly dive deeper and deeper into the mystery; be it facing their own fears or finding a brand new set of fears. 8/10

  • RLMkeepitup

    One could say avatar is the only non remake or sequel in the top 4 biggest earners but its basically ferngully and/or dances with wolves. Hollywood’s like any other business the cash flow reflects consumption not quality i.e. mcdonalds and walmart. Maybe Marlon Brando was right way back when he said movies are a product not art, at least it seems more obvious now.

  • WrongWithYourFace
  • RLMkeepitup

    I’m waiting for daredevil vs. catwoman

  • caye74

    I just want to know if it is better than Justified 😀

  • OMNI

    He was right in that Art is involved but the truth is that movies all end up as “Products”.
    Also as an artist I “produce” art and like to show the end product to people.

  • Palpatine

    So what shortcuts did the medical droids take? Does Wookieepedia have an article on that?

  • Hank_Henshaw

    That’s what happens when you have so many fans going 3 or 4 times going to see the movie. Same was true for Titanic, so many teen girls went multiple times because of Leo. Someone from Screen Junkies said that it took him 8 times in the theater to realize Phantom Menace was bad. Ouch. Star Wars really has its whole hand inside everyone’s ass-wallet.

  • RLMkeepitup

    one of the big ones was just putting him in the suit without his consent, no burn cream was even applied, he needed emo counseling after the clone wars

  • LameSame

    Rich, you’re waking up my roommates laughing so hard

  • Hank_Henshaw

    You’d think that one of the reasonable things to do, would’ve been to make Vader not feel pain, and replace his nervous terminations functions with digital sensors, to allow him to be aware of his surroundings. Intentionally having him suffer seems very counterproductive when you are putting together the ultimate evil enforcer/lieutenant.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    SPOILERS: They don’t.

  • Mugato

    I think the point was that Palatine wanted an apprentice but wanted to “hobble” him as much as he could because he was afraid of him.

    Then again this is all EU bullshit who who knows.

  • Earth

    *gets it up

  • Mugato

    In one of the last shots of Revenge of the Sith, doesn’t Vader fold his arms around his chest? Wouldn’t that press all his buttons and fuck his shit up?

  • Maybe he had keyboard locking enabled.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    It’s a good thing for the Emperor that Vader only had to duel with an elderly Jedi, and a Jedi noob. Had he encountered Yoda, the little guy would’ve started doing flips, somersaults, and other miscellaneous Jedi gymnastics, and cut Vader to shreds with his lightsaber. Oh! Maybe that’s why Palpatine had all the Jedi killed! It makes sense.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    The convenience of the Millenium Falcon didn’t really bother me. Rey already knew of it, hence stating that it’s a piece of garbage and they shouldn’t use it. They needed another ship, it may as well be the Falcon. They also explained well enough why it was there, although that too is a bit of a convenience but Star Wars is full of them, anyway.
    I won’t even try to defend Rey’s ability to fly the ship (or even more so, her ability to use a lightsaber), but a thing that bothered me more than that was Rey and Finn’s excitement of their success afterwards. It felt too scripted, they way they talked over each other didn’t feel genuine. There were other such moments that I fail to remember with only one viewing.

    I can also forgive Them stumbling upon Han, since he said he was able to track them. Still, a mighty coincidence of him to happen to be near enough for the scanners to pick the Falcon up, but at least Han purposefully went after it instead of him just randomly appearing.

    I’ve read many praising Luang Prabang’s (or whatever the actress is called) performance as Yoda The Yellow Bartender but I very much disliked the character. I don’t understand why you would cast a young actress to play an old lady. Because that’s exactly what it sounded like: a young actress trying to sound like an old lady. And why does she have a castle, with a giant statue of herself on the front door, no less? She’s played up to be mystical to the point of being annoying.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    Maybe it cuts away just as the Emperor goes: “Fuck! Someone get the suit technicians here. Vader just shut himself off.”

  • WrongWithYourFace

    “Vader, quickly, go kill all the remaining Jedi before even That T’wirp could beat your ass!”

  • WrongWithYourFace

    You’d think throwing Palpy into that “mine shaft” would have been a no-brainer after all he put Vader through.

  • Jason Ross

    This whole wookiepedia jazz is retconning of the highest order. In the original trilogy, those were meant to be cough drops, nothing more.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    The function was added due to the noted design flaw in General Grievous’ cybernetic body, also constructed in the would-be Emperor Palpatine Surgical Reconstruction Center.

  • LukasWormTheThird

    In his eyes, nothing is

  • tOmy`

    How can it possibly be better than Justified?

  • tOmy`

    My post-Justified world is just one endless stream of disappointment.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    I dunno, but I think this is wrong. Film was the 20th Century Art Form. It was a revolution in The 1920s, from Hollywood to The Weimar Republic, and that revolution wasn’t about Product.

    It isn’t Movies that have become Product as much as it’s Audiences who have become Consumers, more jaded and dull.

    We’re not talking about Movies. We’re talking about Ourselves.

  • Rob Rose

    This has Jay written all over it.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    HISS-AH, HISS-AH “My alt keys aren’t working! My alt keys aren’t working!” HISS-AH, HISS-AH

  • tOmy`

    I am patiently waiting for a divorce drama: “Gloomu Uptu Talks Back”

  • OMNI

    ***SPOILER WARNING****
    It seems that very few have realized that the story of The Force awakens is the exact treatment for Return of the Jedi that Gary Kurtz proposed to Lucas, Han Solo dies, Leia inherits the remnants of a war torn galactic republic and Luke “takes off into the sunset” because he is disillusioned.
    Lucas flatly rejected this idea because he was worried that the merchandising would be affected by Hans death (no more Han Solo dolls?).
    So Lucas sells Star Wars only to have JJ make the very movie he didn’t want to make.
    George must be regretting selling Star Wars, which he obviously does judging from some of his public statements

  • tOmy`

    I think George doesn’t regret it. Finally, he has time to make all those independent small movies he was alw-

    Bwahahahaha. Nah, can’t say that with a straight face.

    I think he misses the money tho. Strange Magic 2 better break them box office records.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    He just liked checking that inflated bank account every month.

  • tOmy`

    So out of all the sci-fi, space-y stuff, you want to tell me that Vader’s suit doesn’t come with a self-destruct button?

  • caye74

    In other news, Ash vs. Evil Dead, season finale, The Dark One

    By far the best episode of series, and well worth the time and built up to this point.
    I think everybody is already spoiled by the fact that it got picked up even before it premièred, so the ending is not a huge surprise, but hey, things we do for friends.

    Bring on the season 2! It’s gonna be a lot of fun, he is back baby!

  • WrongWithYourFace

    Vader would have pressed that button a week after he got the suit, so it was understandable not to include it.

  • RLMkeepitup

    the only thing is the actors have aged and need to be replaced so they’re getting brought back to be ‘retired’

  • Palpatine

    I didn’t give him that just to screw with him.

  • Mugato

    I wasn’t even thinking about all this wookiepedia shit, I thought of at that when I first saw the film. He’s got buttons on his chest, folding around them would fuck them up, whatever it is they do.

  • bassbait

    Hi. Bye. Fucking phone won’t charge!!!

  • WrongWithYourFace

    Plug it in the wall.

  • tOmy`

    Need to catch up with that one, stopped watching around Ep3.

  • tOmy`

    In other news:
    – New Kanye track dropped
    – AllSaints hint at possible reunion in 2016

    Off to a great start, year.

  • bassbait

    Good idea. There’s plenty of walls in this car.

  • tOmy`

    “The Lizardtomy Wing”

  • WrongWithYourFace

    Sorry. I can’t help you then. I have no experience of phones in cars.

  • bassbait

    There’s a car charger but it takes an hour to load ten minutes of phone time.

  • Palpatine

    Wookieepedia has so many interesting articles, such as this one on Jar Jar Binks’s father, George R. Binks:
    http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/George_R._Binks

  • dollar store cashier wife

    And so BBC’s Sherlock continues it’s downfall from season 2. The Abominable Bride was schlock.

  • Seeing a movie in the theater three or four time – that’s like $45 or $60 where I live. Wow, that’s amazing.

  • tOmy`

    Or you can find gems like this:

    “Star Wars 87: Still Active After All These Years”

  • Sheriff Mitchell

    I actually enjoyed the new Star Wars film and I’m still fucking sick of talking about it.

    So with that in mind, who’s amped for Ride Along 2?

  • tOmy`

    Is it canon?

  • Palpatine

    I also enjoyed it and I hate talking about it.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    Who else here is looking forward to Indiana Jones 5? I mean, other than Disney shareholders.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    Did you know that Palpatine actually caused the accident that made Grievous become a cyborg, offering his cutting-edge medical technology in the creation of Grievous’ new body? Presumably to have Grievous join Palpatine in gratitude of saving his life. And also that Grievous is secretly bitter about becoming a cyborg. Who would’ve guessed that he doesn’t like being a hunch-backed, asthmatic freak?

    At least that was according to the Visual Guide. Apparently, according to Wookiepedia, the explanation these days is that he chose to have cybernetic enhancements, and by the end of it all, little of his original self was left. He’s like the Michael Jackson of Star Wars.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    Isn’t that considered insurance fraud?

  • WrongWithYourFace

    There are Disney shareholders here?!

  • WrongWithYourFace

    I bet your car won’t start once you get to 100%.

  • Palpatine

    I already saw Indiana Jones 5, it was called Jurassic World.

  • Hypo-Calvinist

    That was perfect, you bastards!

  • Hank_Henshaw

    You think they will go with Pratt for Indy? From what they’re saying, it’ll be Harrison Ford. Can’t wait to watch the Further Geriatric Adventures of The Archaeologist That Should’ve Retired a Couple of Decades Ago.

  • tOmy`

    He should play both young Indy and young Han Solo.

    It’s gonna be like a parallel poetry. It relatively rhymes.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    Pratt can’t pull off the “Professor” part of the equation. At least not from what he has shown so far in Everwood, The OC, Parks and Rec, assorted romantic comedies, GotG and JW.

  • Palpatine

    Probably not. Harrison’s going to play Indy for 60% of the movie. A stunt double will his hair dyed grey will do all the stunt work, which will take up the other 40%.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    It’s gonna be great.

  • Palpatine

    He’s too muscular for tweed suits; anyway.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    Spielberg said he has to do another Indy with Harrison, so that he’s even with Tom Hanks, and doesn’t become jealous. And apparently in Spielberg’s mind Harrison can only play Indiana Jones.

  • dollar store cashier wife

    Spielberg smokes too many cigarettes. Those things can result in you making a lousy Indy Jones movies.

  • Palpatine

    What about River Phoenix? He also played Indy. But he’s also dead.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    Yeah, that’s what I’ve read.

    Against my better judgement I went to KotCS, my friends convinced me it was going to be fun. I’m not falling for that again.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    But what if George isn’t involved this time? I actually liked roughly the first half of Crystal Skull.

  • RLMkeepitup

    I read the quote on the first line of that page and noped right outta there

  • RLMkeepitup

    It’s January, I’m not amped but I’m ready!

  • Like Icare

    Not shaming. Blaming.
    And doing it in a way that it is both so obviously “in your face” and completely imperceptible.

    It’s not calling the audience out for being stupid.
    It’s blaming the audience for being willfully ignorant and delusional and interested only in shifting the blame and finger-pointing – so it points the finger at the audience, but it does that so close to the audience’s face that you can no longer see the finger.

    It’s the opposite of a dumb down.
    It’s subtle and subversive criticism – hiding in plain sight.

  • RLMkeepitup

    He once said “Acting is like a Halloween mask that you put on.” ,which is odd considering he died on Halloween.

  • TheseMenAreFrauds

    That moment when Rey and Finn hug and do a victory dance after escaping the TIE fighters was the most Disney thing I ever Disney’d.

  • Earth

    Steven Moffat.

    That is all.

  • TheseMenAreFrauds

    * “white slavers”

  • Earth

    You’d think with Lucas editing the fuck out of his movies (even removing Sebastian Shaw’s eyebrows!) he would’ve edited in a neck guard to fix the Darth Vader-masking scene continuity error.

  • Earth

    Yeah, there’s only so many times you can scream “STAR WARS I FUCKING LOVE STAR WARS!!”

    After about a year, it reaches a climax, and you’re left with a slightly empty feeling.

  • Palpatine

    I never noticed that.

  • Earth

    I’m not sorry that I have now ruined that potentially iconic moment for you.

    (then again, Darth Vader screaming NOOOO and Wookiepedia stories of robots cutting corners due to budget cuts probably did that already)

  • The CreepyThinMan
  • Spoiled Ants

    With only ‘Ride Along 2’ and ‘Kung Fu Panda 3’ on the list, Hollywood doesn’t even bother to take out it’s trash anymore.
    Is the “Screw You it’s January!” episode in jeopardy here?

  • Lt Hurwitz

    There’s something pretty special about Rich quoting the Plinkett reviews to Mike.

  • RLMkeepitup

    nice but no mention of his philanthropy? for this the man does deserve some dignity points surely.

  • jic1

    Is there a word that means ‘simultaneously pretentious and stupid’? Because if there is, it would perfectly describe that episode. At least it wasn’t boring. Well, not until the last ten minutes or so anyway.

  • They’re just exploiting nostalgia imagery to rape our ass wallets.

  • Nothing that CGI can’t fix.

  • Wizard Phoenix
  • Wizard Phoenix

    Wrong Frank Marshall pit of money.

  • Wizard Phoenix

    In the Gladiator script Commodus renames all the hospitals in the Roman Empire as the “Emperor Commodus Healing and Pain Removing Center”

  • bleurgh

    I think something being pretentious implies that it is also stupid. Pretentious = an over-stated sense of it’s own importance. Generally pretentious stuff thinks it’s really intelligent and profound and is actually nonsense.

  • jic1

    I think you’re half right: pretentiousness *does* involve an overstated sense of self-importance, but that doesn’t in itself imply stupidity. Foolishness, maybe, but that’s not exactly the same thing. Pretentious people are never as intelligent or profound as they think they are, but they are often intelligent and sometimes profound.

  • Archfiend_Baramos

    It started fun…

  • Archfiend_Baramos

    You missed out on one of the funniest things I’ve ever read:

    “On a whaling voyage with his wife and son, George R. Binks encountered an aggressive whale. Thanks to numerous poor navigation choices by Jar Jar, the whale crashed into the ship, causing it to sink. After this incident, the Binks family found themselves shipwrecked on a desolate island for over a month. During this time, prompted by his annoyance at his son’s constant clumsy behavior, Binks unsuccessfully attempted to commit suicide.”

    “A month later, Binks and his family were still stranded on the island, which he christened “Binks’s Woe.” He grew increasingly annoyed by his son’s antics, so that when Jar Jar offered to swim for help—a suicidal task due to the treacherous seas as well the distance involved—Binks encouraged the boy. However, this attempt at getting Jar Jar killed was cut short when his wife intervened. Overcome with feelings, he drew a gun and shot himself in the head. The shot merely grazed his skull, knocking him unconscious. When he awoke a short while later, he lowered his head in sadness.[1].”

    MIght be the greatest thing I’ve ever read.

  • bassbait

    The correct term is “fuck you, it’s January”

  • bassbait

    You mean cgi.

  • bassbait

    I barely talked about it at all. I don’t tend to have a lot of conversations about things that I like because people are only interested in your opinion if it’s negative. See: hitb tfa review.

  • Archfiend_Baramos

    He was asthmatic because Mace Windu collapsed part of his chest in the Clone Wars cartoon, though!

    Um…not that I know anything about that…

  • Archfiend_Baramos

    I’d buy that for a dollar!

  • Archfiend_Baramos

    Imagine if in our universe no one ever thought to put a see-through plastic flip-panel over the big red button that shuts down the nuclear power plant (FACT, there is a big red giant button that shuts down nuclear power plant, FACT). That’s basically what Vader’s armor has on the front of it according to this article.

  • Lt Hurwitz

    And it’s working, it’s working.

  • Lt Hurwitz

    That’s next to Emperor Palpatine International Airport, right off the Emperor Palpatine Thruway?

  • Lt Hurwitz

    Mike can keep the Commander Riker figures, nobody wants those.

  • impfireball

    Shouldn’t palpatine have made a fail safe in the suit. So if darth betrayed palpatine, the suit would fuck him?

    Or y’know, maybe, just maybe, the suit was just an intimidating costume darth wore, which is what a lot of us thought when we saw the old trilogy.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    When I was a kid it was simple. Stormtroopers wear armor, so the leader has better armor cause he is the leader….
    turns out it was just budget cuts….

  • Archfiend_Baramos

    THANKS PALPATINE

  • Archfiend_Baramos

    Rey flies that speeder around. We never actually see Luke fly a T-16, he just mentions flying one. But we do see him fly a speeder, so on screen at least it’s about the same.

  • Archfiend_Baramos

    We were looking for toys for the kids twice before Christmas, well, they were, I let the others worry about it and just randomly pressed buttons on every single toy that had one in the aisles, including this one. I also spent several minutes randomly smacking parts of toys where it was not obvious what made them turn on, such as hitting a dog in the face multiple times (turns out you were supposed to squeeze the hand. What am I, a mind reader?)

  • bassbait

    I’m back home and on my computer. First thing I did when getting home was take the longest shower I could. Second thing was get on my computer and realize holy shit everything is huge on this monitor!!! I’m so used to my little phone now.

    Anyways, Darth Vader or something. Star Wars: The Battle of Who Could Care Less.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    The finest thing the human race ever did was hot flowing water.

  • bassbait

    my shower runs out of heat after about 5 or 10 minutes. It then quickly turns into a torture device.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    EEEW! I have never lived in any house with less than an hour of hot water. your country is wrong!

  • bassbait

    it’s just this apartment complex. My old house in shitsville had over an hour of hot water. Sometimes I’d almost fall asleep while showering just because it was so relaxing. These days showers are more of a chore. I can’t wait to move elsewhere, which should be happening soon.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    The Apartments I have lived in here have ‘In Line hot water’ the hot water is endless but so are the bills for heating the water.

  • Wizard Phoenix

    Did you get your computer fixed at the Emperor Palpatine Computer Restoration Center?

  • bassbait

    my apartment is a lil bare bones. Water doesn’t stay heated, the heater for the rest of the house sucks too and it only covers one room. But whatever, it beats living where I was living before.

  • bassbait

    That would explain why it’s a piece of junk that seems hell-bent on dying.

  • Wizard Phoenix

    Friggin’ budget cuts. You see when I was Emperor I was just an asshole. I didn’t cut budgets.

  • bassbait

    thanks to budgetary restrictions, I’m going to have to start sending all of my comments out via morse code.

    -.. — -. – .– .- … – . -.– — ..- .-. – .. — . ..-. .. –. ..- .-. .. -. –. — ..- – .– …. .- – – …. .. … … .- -.– …

  • Wizard Phoenix

    Speaking of embarrassing. Kylo Landis, why did you do this?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gt94Vn0IBb0

  • Wizard Phoenix

    Due to budgetary restraints my posters will now just be pictures of black nothingness.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    drugs?

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    It has to be a shiny black. to distract from how black it is.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    Holy Rich. you lived in hell?!

  • Wizard Phoenix

    That explains why they chose a fucking Backstreet Boys song.

  • bassbait

    as much as I’d like to say where I lived wasn’t *that* bad, I’ve heard religious leaders that have been to the area saying that if their church members want to get a preview of what hell is like, to go to the town that I lived in.

  • bassbait

    nothing says “I know how film works” like not thinking to point the phone horizontally.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    Hey! Thats not fair… Back Streets back… alright!

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    As a short film maker with big dreams And a Degree in Visual Arts.
    PEOPLE WHO SHOOT LANDSCAPES IN PORTRAIT MUST DIE!!!!!!!!
    OR FUCKING CROP YOUR VIDEO YOU CUNT HACK FUCK!
    Sorry, I really hate that.

  • Wizard Phoenix

    Well his dad thinks that accidentally killing people makes good entertainment.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    I lived in St Kilda for a while when I was 14. Imagine walking down a dark alley and women and men offer you sex and older men ask if your working.
    I just said no and never and had a problem. was creepy though.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    It was Hilarious.

  • bassbait

    No one ever offers me sex. Maybe I should walk down more dark alleys.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    Fun story. I Cant see purple. It looks like a bright fluro blue.
    I found a nice blue silk shirt, and like it so much I wore it home from the shop.
    All the way women kept giving me a kind of smileshrugnod, Young men kept smiling and saying “Hi” to me.
    I was all Hey look at me in my new shirt.
    I got home and told my girlfriend about my weird day…. she said.
    “You do know its purple?…”

  • LukasWormTheThird

    Wait, I do go into dark alleys and still nothing….

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    I’ll got up your dark alley!

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    I was going to make a comment about offering you sex. but I’m a slut and that would be insulting.

  • LukasWormTheThird

    I’ll stay topical and take a shower for more than 10 minutes

  • bassbait

    It’s too bad, purple is in my top 50 colors. You’re missing out!

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    As this is rlm i’ll keep it clean.
    Really Clean…

  • bassbait

    and moist.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    Call me Baty. You wouldn’t believe the things I have seen. Blood red Pine trees, Greens so blue the shoulder of orion looks lame, I don’t see your world.
    I can see the colours of the stars and tell the time by the colour of the grass.
    I would not want to change it. but I would love to know what you people see.

  • bassbait

    You wouldn’t believe what I saw in one of my dreams a couple nights ago. It carries a slightly different meaning to the phrase “off color”.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    You have to tell now!

  • bassbait

    It involves a [redacted] [redacted] a [redacted]’s [redacted].

    Here’s not the place.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    You know we have a place…

  • bassbait

    should I start a new dream thread then?

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    I was about to you but I didn’t want to get in your way.

  • bassbait

    you do it. I’m bad at starting conversations anyways.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    If you still feel embarrassed after my Disqustion title… I NEED TO KNOW WHAT IT WAS. cause it must be epic.

  • Oh my gawd!

  • A Portrait Mode of the Artist as a Young Man

  • tOmy`

    So how about them 12 parsecs, huh?

  • bassbait

    I’m really hyped for “fuck you it’s january”.

    I have said it a couple times but I really want to make it clear that 2015 fucking sucked for me, so for that reason I’m just really really eager to get 2016 going. I’ll take shitty January movies over being stuck in last year.

  • bassbait

    Today in Funny RLM Freezes (this one’s a real winner!)

    http://puu.sh/mhUw2.jpg

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    Good luck with that. I have been saying that since 1999.

  • bassbait

    question – do you think that Plinkett reviews are 100% written by Mike? Or do you think Rich and Jay have any involvement behind-the-scenes, perhaps contributing a rare joke or two or coming up with some points of criticism? After all, it still is Red Letter Media, a group effort, so I’d imagine they have more influence than “none at all”. Just a thought I guess.

  • tOmy`

    Well the first Star Trek one was all written by Mike as far as I remember. Not sure about the others, tho.

    Them Star Wars ones are pretty long, I can see Rich pitching in to do some grunt work. Maybe even Jay.

  • ElectricPrism

    Where’s my Fuck You It’s January? Definitely breaking with tradition now

  • bassbait

    I tend to think of them as friends who run a company more than anything, and I know that, when it comes to me and my friends, when I go off and do my own thing, some elements of my friends will end up seeping in anyways. I wouldn’t be surprised if Mike took some points or jokes from his conversations with Rich and Jay and added them to any of his reviews. When I’m processing a movie I tend to talk a lot with other people who have similar interests and value similar things in movies. It helps flesh out my own thoughts and I could see Mike doing the same thing. I’m just a nerd I guess because for some reason I find this thought interesting.

  • So funny. Such a joke. Glad they put it in there for the fans. And who could forget C-3PO talking and Solo not caring.

    And who could forget “Don’t say it! -Say what? -Anything!”

    And: “I will finish what you’ve started.”

    And when Bane voice threw old Solo down a mine shaft.

    Don’t forget the fans ONLINE and their sweet jokes. Like this one
    https://localtvkdvr.files.wordpress.com/2014/11/star-wars-jokes.jpg

    And this one….
    http://2.media.dorkly.cvcdn.com/51/96/1a6d62206f7b5863768cd182c29d2c2c.jpg

    And this one….
    https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/3d/5f/62/3d5f624a8f7d58c69eae1a84a37d79ba.jpg

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
    HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHA
    HAAHAHHAHAHAHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHOHOHOHOHOHOH
    HOHOHOHHOHUHUHUHUHUHEUHUEHEHEUEUHAEHUEHAHEUHEUHA
    HEUAHUAEHEHAUEHUAHAUHEAHUEUAHUAHUHUAEHUEHUEAHUEH
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

  • tOmy`

    But did you know that the 12 parsecs mistake was actually “fixed” within EU? It now makes sense! It is true! All of it!

  • That’s just Star Wars Expanded Universe busssh**! The EU does not care. Nobody cares about Star Wars!

  • That vexes me. I’m terribly vexed.

  • They’re just old Nostalgia Critic reviews played at 50% speed. Mind: blown!

  • Did you forget to take your vicodins?

  • I can show you some good parsex in the cockpit of the Millenium Falcum, if you know where I’m force choking you from!

  • bleurgh

    If you have netflix you should check out the show The Last Kingdom. It’s pretty great for a historical drama.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    You do know the Kessel Run is openly drug smuggling. Han is basically a coked up douche with a hairy sidekick and a fast boat bringing drugs into florida.

    http://static.topyaps.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Cocaine-Cowboys.jpg

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    Yeah because a parsec is the shortest distance, navigating black holes, ‘The Maw’… blllllllllllllllllllllllllllAAAAAAAAAAAA!
    blablabla.
    I Dont read books!. other than all the ones I did… and will… *hangs head in shame.
    EU-4-EVA! KOTOR LIFE!

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    there are many interviews with mike about it.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pc3tYXbUuV0

  • dollar store cashier wife

    Rich helped Mike take notes for the reviews when they rewatched the prequels.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    *Not posting this here.*

  • tOmy`

    Funny thing: That whole Kessel Run would make for an interesting sci-fi-ish Star Wars movie.

    I kinda dig the idea.

  • Pretty great for a sponsored post!

  • tOmy`

    Regarding Sicario: Since none of my friends seen it yet, I have nobody else to discuss this with, so here it goes. Although I promised myself to take the movie as it is, without the political crap behind it, I am still thinking about it. So let’s take the ELECTRIFIED depiction of Juárez aside and focus on what is “important”, which I would like to boil down to 3 possibilities:

    – The movie tries to justify the “any means necessary” scenario; Emily’s character realizes that this is indeed what needs to be done and therefore she doesn’t pull the trigger,
    – The movie is intentionally vague about about its own stance; much like Generation Kill,
    – Or the movie is against the illegality and “any means necessary” approach; Emily’s character doesn’t pull the trigger because she realizes that violence breeds violence

    What is your own personal take on it? I would like to think that the movie is trying to hit the 3rd scenario, just not nailing it properly. I think the use of CIA (the usual good-guys-are-actually-the-bad-ones go to agency of movies) and not just some random task force points at it, just as the last shots fired over football field.

  • tOmy`

    Don’t tell me you are buying into that whole Darth Vader wearing intimidating, gestapo-colored version of stormtrooper armor to make it obvious he is in charge!

    That’s bollocks.

  • dollar store cashier wife

    You’re free to make your own interpretation I think. The movie doesn’t explicitly support a particular POV. Blunt is made out to be an audience surrogate so you could evaluate the morality of it all yourself as opposed to the movie telling what is good&what is bad. The last shot signified the civilians involvement in the whole conflict-the perseverance of life in a time of war. It ties into bittersweetly optimistical endings of villeneuve’s films. Also mark your post for spoilers brah.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    When I first saw star wars I thought vader was the leader of the empire. i was 3 or 4, I didn’t know what a Emperor was.

  • tOmy`

    Yea, when I started writing, I didn’t know I am gonna use the [redacted] moment.

    I am still leaning more towards the possibility of the movie hinting at futility and irresponsibility of this approach; after all, the illegality of such actions is more than obvious. (You know, except when they got Osama. That was totally fine, because he is the bad guy. Fuck borders, treaties or peace for that matter.)

    But still, the whole villain approach of CIA seems to be used just to say: Look how bad they are!

    Funny stuff, really. I wouldn’t expect this movie to give me so much stuff to think about.

  • “You are so beautiful. I don’t like sand.”

    #ADHDwrotethis #ADHDshaming

  • SHUT UP! I’ll crush you like a bug!

  • bleurgh

    Pretty great for a sarcastic response!

  • tOmy`

    And I am almost certain THAT will be the Han Solo “origin” story. He is gonna get Millennium Falcon and then make the Kessel Run.

  • Doctor Andre Son of Thomas.

    they will fuck it up.

  • tOmy`

    And because nobody asked:

    The most streamed artists of the year:
    – Drake, Ed Sheeran, The Weekend
    – Rihanna, Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj

    The most streamed songs of the year:
    – Lean On (Major Lazer), Cheerleader (Omi), Uptown Funk (Mark Ronson)

    Congratulations on your life decisions, world.

  • dollar store cashier wife
  • Joe Syxpac

    Woulda been a great running gag if every time Vader was about to do something intimidating someone pressed a button on his suit and made him shut down.

    “Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the–”

    Admiral Motti presses a button on Vader’s suit, shutting it down.

    “Alright, gentlemen. Now that that’s outta the way, let’s go blow up a planet.”

  • Joe Syxpac

    Don’t worry, I have high hopes for 2028.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Unfortunately, I did.

  • tOmy`

    I shall allow both the suicide tendencies and the love for Ed.

    I accidentally saw one of his lives and have to say that it’s pretty badass. Pulling off 2 hours long set just by yourself and an acoustic guitar infront of 10k people must be a bitch.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    I would probably be bored to tears.

  • I wish I could just wish away my feelings for frogs, but I wanna spawn my eggs all over your waters!

  • tOmy`

    It was surprisingly energetic. If I had a chance to see him live, I might even give it a shot.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    But he’s mentioned to be good at flying one, too. As well as shooting with it. So he’s at least better off than Rey in some way. All we get with Rey is that she doesn’t know how she did all that, implying that she’s just naturally talented.

  • NicCagesHair

    Uptown Funk is one hell of a shitty pop song.

  • Sheriff Mitchell

    Chicks dig it.

  • Sheriff Mitchell

    All things considered, this ain’t all that bad.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    Yay! I’ve never heard any of that sh!t!

  • tOmy`

    MJ’s track ain’t that bad, I think it’s nearly perfect for what it set out to be.

    But let’s be honest here, I think it might be just because they used MØ on the vocals and DJ Snake kept Diplo’s ego in check.

    But I don’t know, I wasn’t there…

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    Just like his previous film, the even more wretched and diabolical PRISONERS, Villeneuve exposes himself as a paranoid masochist, creating these extreme morality nightmares without really structuring them properly. You can say he’s being purposefully ambiguous to force the audience into uncomfortable positions, but he’s actually just goosing sh!t along like Donald Trump on a bender. The fact that all of his fantasy torture and shady politics results in nothing of any real effect — the bad guys still win and the good guys are forced to be bad to keep up — just demonstrates the emptiness of his worldview.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    “ARE YOU NOT HEALED!?”

    -Sign on the Exit door at Emperor Commodus Healing and Pain Removal Center, which was right next door to Emperor Commodus Plague and Pain Infliction Center so you can imagine the confusion.

  • Sheriff Mitchell

    I prefer at least half of this stuff to Pitchfork music.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    30%. Indy gets killed half-way through.

  • tOmy`

    There are many other lows to sink to, that is for sure.

    I am still not sure why Nicki is considered good (except that one verse from Kanye’s album), but hey, I guess people dig it… or something.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    He’s not naturally muscular. He’s naturally chubby. Tweed is slimming. He could pull it off.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    I was completely nonplussed about it, and yet I’ve always been fyucking sick of hearing everybody talk about it.

    Remind me, what’s Ride Along?

  • Sheriff Mitchell

    Music is as susceptible to the hype machine as movies are.

    When “Hello” came out I was sure I’d been transported to an alternate universe where Adele was the only performer in history to ever sing on the subject of heartbreak.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    It’s been seven years, and she still hasn’t gotten over the guy! That’s emotion! That’s the depth of humanity’s soul!

    When Lionel Richie sang it was just “Hello,” and now it’s “Hello-o.”

    Modern feelings are just better than oldster feelings!

  • Sheriff Mitchell

    Another film featuring Kevin Hart’s best Chris Tucker impression.

  • tOmy`

    I don’t get the hype around Adele and I am strong adviser for people to check themselves when purchasing this album, before they wreck the music industry even more.

    But the lady can sing and let’s not forget about that. And she can sing very well.

    Still, her taking all the cream this year is borderline pathetic. She literally told her fans to “buy CDs, so we can bring that era back” and people went for it, not realizing that in this process, the only thing that won is Adele, her bank account and whatever label she is currently saying this kinda crap for.

  • Did Anyone draw a picture of the Emperor Palpatine Medical Reconstruction Center yet? I’ve been busy drawing dicks but I’ll get to it if it ain’t been done yet 😉

  • Sheriff Mitchell

    “Hello” is a well-performed song. I have almost nothing bad to say about her as a performer. She does her job and does it well.

    It’s just the hype machine and the feigned love that’s bizarre to me. It all feels very forced to me.

    I feel similarly about that band HAIM. They were on the map so quickly and there was that convenient story about their parents being in a band, and it seemed like fans took to them believing that they were helping some fledgling, youthful act gain fame and it all felt so “real.”

    Yet, in reality, HAIM’s success has been a totally planned endeavor from the beginning. Someone with money decided HAIM would be famous, and now they are.

    Which is fine. That happens all the time. And they are solid musicians. But let’s not pretend that their success was an organic one.

    Just like we don’t have to pretend that Adele is the only singer in history who has an ex-lover.

  • tOmy`

    Funny you should mention it. Today, as a preparation for my festival-craze, I was checking out this British songwriter called Passenger and one particular song caught my attention. It is called 27, same like Adele’s current hits, and within 20 seconds, it renders the whole Adele attempt at the same topic utterly pointless.

    Might be too happy-go-lucky for you, so I timestamped that particular moment: https://youtu.be/l4WKh5UqtXc?t=2m4s

  • tOmy`

    Well said, bro. Well said.

  • Sheriff Mitchell

    If anything good has come out of this Adele song, it’s all of the Lionel Richie tie-in jokes.

  • RLMkeepitup

    there’s no geneva convention in space. One could attack a housepital. But since its palpatine clearly hospital attack you

  • Bhazor

    I don’t know. I’m kind of impressed how lazy it is given how successful it was. I mean its one of the laziest straight covers I’ve ever heard and yet a billion people have watched it on youtube. That’s some serious balls from the music industry to publicize that shit of a song to that extent.

  • Bhazor

    I am fascinated by The Weeknd just because of hard and fast he sold out. He started as some mysterious club performer who released his albums free and sung about date rape and gangbangs and never released any interviews or publicity shots. Two years later he’s topping the charts with bland R&B and doing sets with fucking Drake.

    I mean his music was always boring shite but still.

  • Thanks but I meant ‘one of us’. Not that extended universe concept crap, I mean Mike Stoklasa’s EPMRC! Im on it, just didn’t want to be redundant.

  • tOmy`

    Just like many other similar acts in the recent history, he too will be forgotten in couple of years.

    Remember when Kevin Rudolf was the next big thing? Or Example? Or LMFAO?

    Thankfully, it seems that there is some kind of one-hit-wonder filter still in place.

  • RLMkeepitup

    monetary success only seems to work as a measure of quality when there’s ample competition, and a billion people will watch a dog shit on youtube.

  • tOmy`

    “You’re telling me that fifty million screaming fans are never wrong
    I’m telling you that fifty million screaming fans are fucking morons”

    – Mindless Self Indulgence

  • Well, on the twitters there was this: https://twitter.com/AndrewScholz/status/682758881869697024

  • The head of the gynaecology department is Dr. Darth Invader.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    To quote the great John McClaine: “California.”

  • tOmy`

    Straight Outta Compton

    A movie about the world’s most dangerous group is as big and excessive as it needed to be. There is a slight problem with the amount of history presented, tho, making the movie feel a bit unfocused. 8 Mile felt more focused because it chose a smaller story set in the world full of bigger problems. Straight Outta Compton would fill 3-parter documentary with ease and maybe some more on top of it.

    But that is a minor complaint and I believe that everyone involved knew about this issue but chose to persuade their complete vision anyway – to tell a story about musicians who changed the world, changed the music industry and made history. And in that regard, it’s nothing short of a success.

    8/10

  • dollar store cashier wife

    How would it play to someone who doesn’t give a single shit about rap?

  • Palpatine

    I feel the same way. I don’t like rap, but I’m interested in seeing the movie.

  • Jason Ross

    I don’t know much about you kids and the Facebook and shit, but “The Weekend” sounds like it would be comprised of some effete hipster band members whose balls haven’t dropped yet, with song titles like “Skinny Jeans Walkabout”

    This is why we should hate kids

  • Palpatine

    I hope videos of Mike and Rich reading random Wookieepedia articles becomes a regular series on the site.

  • Jason Ross

    “the world’s most dangerous group”

    You mean blacks?

  • Palpatine

    Who else? ISIS? Those guys are pussies compared to the Bloods and Crips.

  • Jason Ross

    Jay has to read this one next:

    http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Jizz

  • tOmy`

    Unfortunately, while the movie has some things to offer when it comes to #blacklivesmatter and so on, it’s really more of a biopic about NWA and the birth of gangsta rap.

    Apart from that… well, it looks pretty awesome and has some neat visuals… but that’s sorta it.

  • tOmy`

    That coin has two sides:

    1) You don’t know what will happen in the movie – you might feel more surprised or excited.
    2) You might miss all the “fan service”, small winks and commentary about rap music.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    You think I’m not happy-go-lucky? You’ve known me a whole year and still you don’t know me at all. *sad Adele face*

  • tOmy`

    I dunno, the general vibe of that song can come off a bit too cheap (it’s much better as a part of an album, rather than stand-alone track, representing the artist).

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    I thought he meant Van Halen.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    I got you beat. I don’t like rap, AND I’m not interested in seeing the movie.

  • Paul S.

    Knight of Cups
    Because I apparently hate myself I watched this film which could be best described as “ambient noise: the movie.” This is easily the worst Terrence Malick film I’ve ever seen. (fwiw I thought To The Wonder was OK and Tree of Life wasn’t terrible and still don’t really understand but probably need to rewatch Thin Red Line)
    If you really like loud background noise like traffic sounds or really find a world-weary Christian Bale’s face compelling this may be the film for you. However the story is one that has been told many times before and does not inspire.
    The plot is laid out in the first 10 minutes: Bale is adrift. The next hour thirty depict Bale adrift, interrupted by the occasional love/lust interest or cameos by other Actors You Know because reasons. Nick Offerman appears in the distance for a few seconds to say his life is like playing Call of Duty on easy. He holds an imaginary machine gun and says he just f**ks s**t up. The film finally ends after a priest says something, Bale’s dad hugs him, yet another woman disrobes for Bale, and a baby crawls around at Bale’s feet.

    3/10

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    It can get worse, just. Have you seen Celine Dion performing that song yet?

    It reportedly brought all the pansies at The American Music Awards (whatever, Adele isn’t even American and neither is Celine, but why quibble?) “to tears.”

    Pop music sucks HARDER than pop movies.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    Corey started a band?

    I thought he was dead.

  • Like Icare

    First off… Generation Kill is not vague. It’s a vivid depiction of a clusterfuck.

    As for Sicario…
    It’s argument was made 20-ish years ago. It went something like this:
    Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be
    guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg? I
    have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep
    for Santiago, and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have
    the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago’s death, while
    tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and
    incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because
    deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that
    wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty.
    We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something.
    You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the
    inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the
    blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the
    manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you,
    and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and
    stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are
    entitled to.

    Only now there’s not even some bullshit “omelets need broken eggs” excuse.
    Reasoning is – because wolves.

    Because we live in a world that has wolves and the only way to kill a wolf is with another wolf (just like with ninjas) so if you’re a wolf, be our wolf and you get to kill whomever you want. Might makes right bitches. As in female wolves.
    Or… if you’re not a wolf but a pussy – go to some pussy country and live like a pussy. As in cats. Or vaginas.

    Emily Blunt doesn’t shoot Del Toro cause she decides that she’s a pussy and not a wolf. Because… it’s the will of the Force.
    She has seen the dark underbelly of the war on drugs (Wait, didn’t she see that BEFORE the whole Del Toro episode? When she was in that house that used dead people for wall insulation?) and she has apparently decided to pretend it all never happened because… well… murder gives results?
    No… wait… no it does not. Shit still goes on no matter how many kids Del Toro kills.

    Naah… it’s all cause she has decided to be a pussy after failing to be a bitch. As in female dog.

    Shruggin her shoulders and crying in her beer about the sad faith of the world.

    Boo-hoo.

    For that movie to make any sense with its logic, Del Toro should end up being killed by Blunt – if she buys his spiel, the only logical thing to be is a wolf.
    Cause it ain’t wolves and dogs and cats – it’s wolves and sheep.

    Sheep going around, doing what they are told, until they run into the path of some wolves.

    If she didn’t buy into his spiel, she either makes him kill her and goes out as an idealist leaving no more doubt left that Del Toro and the US government are the villains of the story – and not the drug cartels. AND WE CAN’T HAVE THAT!
    OR… She tries to arrest him and… cut to black. With or without gunshots.

    Logic of the story is fundamentally broken and at that point there isn’t really any way for it all to make any sense.

    Cause its logic boils down to “might makes right” – which makes those people who hang people off of bridges and overpass’ completely and utterly right.
    So why the whole conflict of the movie then?

    Just make sure that Mexicans only kill Mexicans and all is right with the world.

  • tOmy`

    I am gonna preemptively upvote you, grab a beer and respond.

  • tOmy`

    I suddenly imagined you sitting in the first row of the cinema, doing the angry-fist gesture to the screen for first 10 minutes and then just walking out.

    And, obviously, throwing someone’s popcorn to the ground in the process.

    It made me giggle.

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    That makes me giggle. See? You DO know me, after all!

    STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON is this year’s AMERICAN SNIPER. The air-brushing of repugnancy continues.

  • tOmy`

    Final Space Cop trailer is here. Get fucked:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjjiE0OD4K0

  • tOmy`

    Seriously tho: yea, don’t bother. You might like the first 30 minutes or so, that is more aimed at the social stuff, but after that, it’s just rap history 101 accompanied by hip-hop 101 (and some funk).

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    “This is solitaire.”

  • Thing One n’ Two Things

    “Ew! Dammit, you got jizz all over my dress!”

    “No, baby. That was jatz.”

    END SCENE

  • Marvin Falz

    Looks pretty good.

  • tOmy`

    *Coldplay

  • dollar store cashier wife

    Pretty much. I think old man Malick is just trolling us at this point. The Call of Duty line made me question whether I stopped taking my meds before watching this movie and started seeing another reality.

  • tOmy`

    I wouldn’t say that the logic of the story is fundamentally broken – I think Blunt sees the underbelly in the fact that “we” are effectively working with our “enemies” to get rid of the “bigger” enemies… which is sorta the whole Syrian thing right now.

    Anyway, nice sum up. I like your posts. 10/10.

  • bassbait

    far from the worst pop song I’ve heard in recent memory.

  • bassbait

    to be fair, one of his biggest hits is about cocaine addiction. And to be fair that song’s actually good. Idk about the rest though.

  • bassbait

    “edited by Jay Bauman” does that mean the editing isn’t going to be horribly mean to Rich?

  • HeftyJo

    You forgot to tell use about the most important thing to know about this movie. Does Natalie Portman get naked?

  • HeftyJo

    If Han really did fly that close to so many black holes, that means he’s probably about 1000 years old relative to everyone else.

  • HeftyJo

    Nah, he just accidentally hit the start button. out of that shit.

  • HeftyJo

    It puts ‘da Dark Force in ‘da puddin’!

  • I liked The Wonder. It had a lot of Olga in it. That keeps me engaged. Also, I thought the Javier Bardem played one of Malick’s more interesting characters.
    I think I “got” The Tree of Life and I didn’t like it.
    The New World is still my favorite.

  • Paul S.

    ugh no thank the maker

  • Paul S.

    he’s playing an actor i think (bale is a screenwriter) and it just reminds me that i hate movies about the film industry / making movies

  • Like Icare

    Well, for one it’s not the same kinda war, so using one “war” as a metaphor for another war… besides being a tad silly, doesn’t really work in nearly any way.

    As for the logic… maybe phrasing it more like… that the underlying logic or philosophy that the story is supposedly running on, is what is broken.
    That whole wolves thing which is basically just a psycho’s excuse to keep acting like a psycho while wearing flip-flops to a meeting, like a rebel.
    And for that to work, this tough FBI chick suddenly must decide that she has no balls.

    And that’s without going into that whole action plan of Del Toro’s which could have fallen apart by a simple thing like an additional door (or a retractable ladder) at the exit of the tunnel or that Mexican cop being late or early or not being a cop or…
    SO MANY things simply happen just so he could go and kill some kids completely unopposed.
    Boy would have that talk of his in the end sounded stupid if he had a hole in his head from missing a bodyguard or two.

    His entire rationale hinges on him being extremely lucky and on people running huge drug cartels, which are clearly unbeatable by legal methods and immense government agencies’ budgets, being stupid.
    And then he uses that luck to justify his methods.

    Which makes his argumentation, even with all the incredible luck he has, nothing but circular logic.
    Wolves because wolves.

    Which in turn breaks movie’s logic.

  • Archfiend_Baramos

    She knew she was a pilot, though. She had previously piloted things. That’s why she says “We HAVE a pilot.”

  • I gotta get me one of those Twitter thingies. Where can you buy them?

  • impfireball

    Anyone who doesn’t want to see naked Natalie Portman is definitely gay.

  • Paul S.

    I take my studied effeminacy very seriously thank you very much.

  • Commodore Schmidlapp

    RepMed Vita Paste

  • impfireball

    That’s pretty gay.

    Which is fine if you admit it.

  • JAGUART

    This was always George Lucas’ vision, but the futuristic descriptive vocabulary
    hadn’t been invented yet.

  • Frank Lovejoy

    #blacklivesmatter? The movement based on the “hands up don’t shoot” lie, whose MO is to harass and abuse people?

  • Frank Lovejoy

    I remember when the paralyzed kid from Degrassi decided to have a real rap career, thinking there’s no way this is going to happen.

  • UnhealthyNutter

    My dad actually knew David Prowse(the guy in the Vader suit) he was from the same area of Bristol(Southmead) as him.

  • Ogrot

    Party’s over! The clown has arrived.

  • HermaiaMoira

    They had to make budget cuts in order to also support The Emperor Palpatine Home for Wayward Girls.

  • Moke

    that sounds more like crowds fantasy went out of controle on this wiki. Would not be the first time fanboys ruin everything on a wiki page…

  • Evertale

    The
    Storm Troopers’ Union pushed for better health and safety, but building
    railings across thousands of miles of bridges, causeways and interior
    elevations was deemed to expensive and laborious by the New Order’s
    finance department.
    Instead, they mandated
    that every storm trooper on duty was to enact balance and trust
    exercises for at least fifteen minutes a day while carrying out their
    duties. There were some unfortunate accidents…

  • I am starting to love this video, Mike and Rich. Please do more wookiepedias. They are so funny coming out of Mike’s noise hole.

  • Jonah Falcon

    Where does Darth Vadar go to the bathroom?

  • Jonah Falcon

    The Wilhelm Scream practice didn’t help.

  • Jonah Falcon

    He was also in A Clockwork Orange.

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    Which one is Ryan Seacrest?

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    “Every entry is so dense.” — Not Rick Berman.

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    Remember, for all your medical needs, go to Emperor Palpatine Surgical Reconstruction Center, next to Dress Barn, on Highway K.

  • Jonah Falcon

    Love this entry on YouTube:

    Ben Argo

    2 days ago

    I demand to know the secret origins of the stains on Dexter Jettster’s apron. Were they ValuMed WaferPaste? And what about Watto’s hat? In Phantom Menace, he never mentioned wanting a hat, but in Attack of the Clones, he’s suddenly all about hats. The lazy editors at Wookieepedia better get to work explaining away that massive plot hole.

  • Malevolence

    What did Mike say after “Due to budgetary cuts”? Rich’s laughing made that part near impossible to hear lol. Something about life support… 20:35

  • EmperorPalpatineSurgicalCenter

    I hate these fucking lists too.

  • Jonah Falcon

    I demand to know where Darth Vader defecates. He does take a shit,
    right, or does the Force cleanse his colon so he doesn’t have to?

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