RLM’s 2014 Summer Movie Round-up

April 3, 2014741 Comments

Check it out! This summer is going to be off the hook with all the new movies coming out! Jay and Mike recap what Hollywood has to offer this summer! OMFG!



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Filed in: General UpdatesHalf in the Bag

  • bob665

    I’m beginning to suspect that Hollywood might be out of ideas.

    • Jean-François Martel

      Hollywood has never had any ideas, go back as far as you want, movies have always been about legends, literature or whatever. They couldn’t do remakes before because there was nothing to remake.

      • bob665

        I don’t think so cynical. Okay on some level all stories are inspired by
        another story but that’s because at the very beginning of time three guys told three stories and everyone’s has been ripping them off ever since. What you’ve never heard the story of the three cavemen? Well I shall tell you.

        At the dawn of time three cavemen sat around the fire roasting a large fish. The first cavemen who had caught the fish himself decided to tell the others how he had done it. So as they ate he told the story and thus nonfiction was born. The other two cavemen sat and listened and were inspired by the story that they too could achieve great feats. However the second cavemen was jealous of the first so he decided he would lie and tell a story about a bigger fish that he almost caught and thus fiction was born. The two cavemen sat and listened and although they didn’t believe the story it captured their imagination of the what if and they enjoy hearing it. The third cavemen did not want to be left out but was aware that he couldn’t tell even a bigger fish story. So he sat and thought for a moment and came up with a story of his own. He told them how he caught something large in his net and how he had struggled to pull it out of the water. When he did he found it to be a beautiful woman with breasts as large as their heads. Thus erotica was born the genre that nobody believes but everybody desperately wish was true.

        • Jean-François Martel

          i wasn’t really looking at it in a cynical way, Hollywood is a business, they often made money by name recognition, whether is be stories from the bible or a popular movie made 20 years ago.

          That’s a funny story.

          • bob665

            Yeah I’ve been trying to polish it.

    • Jean-François Martel

      Hollywood has never had any ideas, go back as far as you want, movies have always been about legends, literature or whatever. They couldn’t do remakes before because there was nothing to remake.

  • TJ

    …You assholes redeemed yourselves.

    • Percy Gryce

      Have they sinned? I’ve always assumed that Milwaukee was the Garden of Eden, the terrestrial paradise, preserved from the taint of corruption–and that Mike & Jay were unfallen man in the state of nature as God intended.

      • shavo

        Was your comment funny? N..

        • Percy Gryce

          If you’re going to call me the N-word, you really ought to commit and go the whole way.

          • Mark Bisone

            Agreed. I’m sick to death of all this “Only Norwegians can say ‘Norwegian’” crap!

          • Laxxern

            Faen, der er jeg enig. Jævla rasister ass…

          • Mark Bisone

            Norwigga, please…

          • Laxxern

            Ta åsså hold kjæften på deg!

          • Mark Bisone

            Did you just advise me to buy stock in a major telecommunications company? In this market?

            Norweegie gots to keep his portfolio phat wit da precious metals for the time briz-eing, yo. You feel me, Norgy?

          • Laxxern

            Invest in oil, that’s my advice

          • Pa Kent Says Maybe

            I think he told you to pull your pants back up around your waist because it’s freezing in Norway.

          • Vidyadude .

            Neger snälla..

          • Pa Kent Says Maybe

            It’s pronounced No’wigga, you fake.

          • Now I Get It

            That’s exactly the ballsy linguistic attitude I’d expect from someone who’s into preserving the corruption of taints.

            Too soon?

          • Percy Gryce

            Hey, if I was willing to have my mythopoeic musings about RLM–structured around a hypothetical subversion of classical soteriology–be mistaken for an unfunny comment, then I’m surely ballsy enough to go full Randall Kennedy.

            But you’re right. I was asking myself: Can I joke about the Garden of Eden and original sin? And I kept answering myself: Too soon?

          • Mark Bisone

            Oh, you RLM rascals and your sociopolitical analyses of provocative postmodern shibboleths. When will you learn to stop and smell the cake farts once in a while?

          • Percy Gryce

            That’s still the only link I haven’t followed on the Interweb.

            Well, that and the one with the picture of the guy with three balls.

          • Mark Bisone

            You’re missing out on the balls thing. It took my photog seven hours to get the lighting right, but the results were stunning.

          • Now I Get It

            Well, now I just feel like a lexicological dwarf, but, yes – Jeebus Tapdancing Calliope! – won’t somebody please think of the children (of creation)?!

            Yea, only now, with the settling of Man’s yawpish dust, have I learned, through byzantine backchannels available only to Dingus’ premium users and from shavo himself, that he remained uncommitted because, in his Scepticism, he could not decide which N-word – Nob, Nerd, Narc, Nancy, Nincompoop, or Ne’erdowell – to grace you with.

            So, the whole thing was, mishap, just a modest misunderstanding, a case of the pot calling the kettle bejsh.

            http://clzimages.com/movie/large/0b/0b_70376_0_NWord.jpg

            Theft: 7
            Mart Crowley: -1

          • Percy Gryce

            I like how you’re keeping a running tally.

            That’s commitment to a bit.

          • Now I Get It

            That’s right. I rob now.

            Theft: 8
            Moe Szyslak: 0

  • Michael Aronson

    Drew Barrymore’s career whyyyyyyyyyy

    That is my question.

    • TJ

      She should have quit after E.T.

      • Now I Get It

        She tried. The paramedics arrived too soon.

        • Joe Syxpac

          A shame really.

          She would have made a beautiful corpse.

  • Manly Chicken

    The April Fools video was funny enough, this is just gravy.

  • shanebroughton

    Is Space Cop coming out this summer?

    • LelouchtheFilial

      If it does, then Space Cop really WILL be Space Jesus.
      It’ll be a miracle.

      • Showbiz Pizza Bear

        Space Cop was conceived by midichlorians?

        • Mark Bisone

          I thought he was conceived in the backseat of a DeLorean.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            The DeLorean doesn’t have a back-

            Oh. Ohhhhhhh!

    • Percy Gryce

      Remember Space Cop is the reboot of an original RLM fake trailer. So if it does come out this summer, it’ll fit right in.

  • ohseanofnoise

    THERE’S ALWAYS TIME FOR MONKEY BUSINESS!!!!

  • W.C. Wit

    Jupiter Ascending is an original action block buster coming out in July!
    That’s the perfect time for original films to be released, just ask Pacific Rim!

    • Dylan

      Pacific Rim at least doubled its budget with its worldwide totals.

      And as for Jupiter Ascending, it’s a lame take on Cinderella. It isn’t not going to flop for its release date. It’s the message and lame casting/story. All you maxim cover girls out there cleaning toilets just keep hanging on…someday an ex-exotic dancer come space marine will come and take you away to an adventure beyond your wildest dreams. Citizen Kane eat your heart out!

      • Percy Gryce

        “sans”? I think you mean “cum.”

        • shanebroughton

          Ewh gross.

      • W.C. Wit

        Eh, I’m still looking forward to it. I’m a fan of the pulp space opera aesthetic the Wachowskis seem to be going with.

        • ident

          You lost me at Wachowskis.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            The brother or the sister?

          • Percy Gryce

            Yes.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            That’s not an acceptable answer Mitchell Taco Nash!

          • Percy Gryce

            I’m sorry, but that’s all I’ve got dollar store cashier wife!

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            Yay! I’ve moved up in the world.

          • ident

            Which one was responsible for Speed Racer?

        • Pa Kent Says Maybe

          Ah, so you agree with me. Pulp space opera aesthetic. Hasn’t been original since, um, 1970-something. In fact, it wasn’t even original then.

    • Cameron Vale

      They just need some names for next summer to put a ’2′ at the end of. It’s called planning.

    • Pa Kent Says Maybe

      I don’t think a mash-up of Star Wars and Lord of the Rings tropes should truly count as “original” just because the title doesn’t have a number in it.

  • Rei Grim

    Those movies seem so familiar! Hmm? Nope! I’m gonna see them all and then I’m gonna stuff my fat fucking face with Chunky’s Chicken! Ha Ha Ha!

  • Guest

    They should replace all actors with, it’d be great! All legends of cinema could live forever thanks to lifeless CGI!

    PS.: Of this list, I’m legitimately looking forward to How to Train Your Dragon 2 and Dawn of the Planet of the Apes… f*ck everything else though.

  • Guest

    The Videos already over? NOOO

  • Guest

    Video already over? NO

  • Joe Bloggs

    Fuck you it’s Ja- … Oh.

    • Thanatos2k

      Fuck you it’s Jay!

      • Domo_Konnichiwa

        Confirmed for fuck!

  • Tardo

    They should replace all actors with CGI, it’d be great! All legends of cinema could live forever!

    PS.: Of this list, I’m legitimately looking forward to How to Train Your Dragon 2 and Dawn of the Planet of the Apes… f*ck everything else though.

    • locoma

      yeah right, like that’s not happening for real in the future

  • Matt_Terry

    What movies? All I see are pointless products sold to the lowest common denominator viewer.

    • Marozeph

      The ten most successful movies of 2013 were
      - Seven Sequels / Prequels
      - One Reboot
      - Two original movies (if you count Frozen, which is technically based on an established property)

      So it’s really not surprising that almost all big movies are sequels.

      • Pa Kent Says Maybe

        I still can’t believe FROZEN is the biggest animated movie of all time.

        Well, it isn’t, actually. I guarantee more people have seen both SNOW WHITE and THE JUNGLE BOOK.

        But, you know what I mean.

  • diehounderdoggen

    I wonder how long this can go on for. At what point will Hollywood simply run out of things to remake?

    • Percy Gryce

      There’re still card games and breakfast cereals to mine.

      • TapewormBike

        “Solitaire” starring Dwayne Johnson, Morgan Freeman, Hugh Jackman, Benedict Cumberpatch, Mark Wahlberg, Denzel Washington, Jennifer Lawrence, Nicole Kidman, Vin Diesel, Patrick Stewart, Ving Rhames, George Clooney, Sigourney Weaver, Bill Murray, Ryan Reynolds…..

        • Dixon Bawls

          …Directed by Wes Anderson

          • Joe Syxpac

            I’d spend hours watching that when I’m supposed to be doing work.

      • shanebroughton

        I’d actually like to see a reboot of each Star Wars prequel. Give the material to a talented filmmaker and they could make for some great films!

        • Marozeph

          Even the most talented directors can’t make an unnecessary movie worth watching, and prequels (with rare exceptions) are basically unnecessary by default.
          Especially when they try to give a overblown backstory to an established character. Space Jesus anyone?

          • TapewormBike

            Saw him this morning when getting groceries. Whatcha need?

      • Dixon Bawls

        And coupons…don’t forget coupons!!!

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLnoLmCqT30

        • Paul Schumann

          Worth it for the toes shot

        • Percy Gryce

          Wow, I missed the whole Mr. Show phenomenon. It seems like everyone involved went on to big things

      • Cameron Vale

        But wouldn’t Hollywood eventually run out of those and be forced to base their movies on even stranger things, like random ideas that were simply made up by someone?

        • Percy Gryce

          That’s crazy.

          So crazy, it just might work.

      • Showbiz Pizza Bear

        Don’t forget “Snuggies – The Movie”!!!

    • ronin122

      Never! They can always do a sequel to a remake, and then reboot again to make it like the original ad nauseum. Maybe use a black person as the lead instead so that they can get the urban market. That gives the movies edge, you see. That’s what Hollywood tells me, anyway…

      • diehounderdoggen

        You’re absolutely right. The realization of this fact has burnt out my higher mental functions, thus reducing me to a mongoloid who is amused by Michael Bay films and only speaks in expletives.
        Fuck. Shit. Cunt. Ass. Piss. Fuck.

    • Domo_Konnichiwa

      They’re even making movies out of documentaries. The Rape of Europa became The Monuments Men.

      • Percy Gryce

        Of course, even an auteur can do that–as Werner Herzog did when he turned his documentary Little Dieter Needs to Fly (1997) into a fictionalized movie Rescue Dawn (2006), starring the Dark Knight.

  • LelouchtheFilial

    Jesus… so, in the end, it’s HOLLYWOOD who performed the most sadistic April Fools’ day prank.
    That’ll last the rest of Spring and then Summer.

  • castlemonster

    They just. don’t. fucking. care.

  • LelouchtheFilial

    WOW! Mike’s “NOOOOOO!” was enough to rival Darth Vader’s!
    Hey, have you guys seen Revenge of the Sith? FANTASTIC movie!
    Shout-out to my niggas at Lucasfilm!

    • WrongWithYourFace

      Black people don’t like Star Wars very much…

      • Not Claude Akins

        You mean the urban market?

        • WrongWithYourFace

          Slavery is a thing of the past, sir.

  • Daniel

    Man you guys are hilarious. The summer is basically just reserved for shit now, i thought of interstellar and then realised that’s a November release so seems like even they want to avoid the crappy summer now.

  • Memoman

    Oh man I can’t wait to go to the cinema and get sneezed on, have my sit kicked and just generally be exposed to just about every possible grotesquely egocentric behavior in order to be delighted by these high cost, earnest, artistic productions!

    Hollywood please take my money!

    • Domo_Konnichiwa

      Well, at least you’re not in the US. We shoot people here during the previews.

  • durhay

    I can’t wait for the scene in F&F7 when Paul Walker goes back to his home world.

    • Afonso Faria

      You mean purgatory?

  • Striker, Ted

    We’ve been waiting for the blank screen/white noise for two weeks now, you HACKS!

  • Benzo

    I think that was the best 3 minutes of my life. It was even better than things I’ve never tried!

  • Heinzy

    All that shit and not even a hint at a Careboars 2. RLM really has sold out.

    • Percy Gryce

      Or failed to sell out, depending on how you look at it.

      Nothing worse than a failed sell-out.

      • Heinzy

        And RLM are the worst.

  • Heinzy

    Have you seen the originals? Congratulations, then you’ve seen all movies that are coming out this summer.

    • Dylan

      Dawn of the Planet of the Apes looks nothing like the previous one and also seems to tackle different themes.

      But yeah, you’re 99% right though.

      • Thanatos2k

        So it’s going to suck?

  • BunnyFooFoo

    Fork. Brain.

  • nat

    it’s weird seeing these hacks so excited

    • Striker, Ted

      They’re leaning more on their fraud tendencies in this so-called “Summer movie ho-down.”

  • B.J.D

    cause they dont fucking care! … are you fucking following me

    ha ha!

    • Pissernacht

      Not soon enough, that’s for damn sure!

  • ricarleite

    Yeah I guess I wont be going to the theaters this year. At all.

  • Jakoporeeno Tex Mex Johnson

    You forgot to include Kevin Bacon

  • Jason

    I can no longer tell satire from reality…somebody help me! My brain is collapsing in on itself! Oh good…here comes the Care Boars to help fuck the pain away.

  • Adzl33t

    How To Train Your Dragon 2, XMen, Apes 2, 22 Jump Street could be cool, review HTTYD, you guys never review an animated movie

    • Pissernacht

      Uh, for what it’s worth, I don’t really watch animated movies either. I have a friend who does. He enjoys them and I trust his opinions on them. He liked the Princess and The Frog and Brave and How To Train Your Dragon all, but I just don’t feel like watching them myself.

      They simply don’t interest me in the slightest, which is odd considering how often I get asked to babysit…but I digress. The best analogue I could give is with video games. I’m sure driving games are fun, but I literally have no desire to play them, regardless of how glowing a friend’s opinion is of Forza or something.

      Same with animated movies; I’m sure Frozen is good (as long as you’re adult enough to not watch it five times just because it involves an orgasm allegory in its big song and dance number). It could genuinely be a terrific movie. I just wouldn’t give a damn either way, nonetheless.

      Maybe Mike ‘n Jay are same way?

  • Percy Gryce

    There’s nothing more I can do but sing you:

    La-la la-la-la la-la-la-la la-la-la, la-la-la-la la-la-la.

  • Ubik

    Don’t do a dumpster diving in mainstream Hollywood pile of garbage. But our beloved frauds loves to exploit cynical mass product movies.

    Watch some “Under the Skin” or “Noah”. Amazingly weird movies full of WTF moments.

    • Akka Fakka

      The only people who seem to like Noah are those smug, sanctimonious “I love SCIENCE” jackasses who just like anything that insults religious people. So, no thank you.

      • TapewormBike

        Again dude, you are selling me on that movie.

        • Kishi Jugo

          You must not have seen The Fountain. After that I was officially done with Aronofsky films for good. Never before has a film dared to be so vomit yellow.

          You also implicitly affirmed that you are smug sanctimonious jackass when you hailed his criticism as a selling point. I’m not saying you are. I’m just saying you should watch out for that in the future.

          • TapewormBike

            If either of those comments was meant sarcastically, I tip my hat to both of you. But taking them at face value, well,firstly, I did not affirm my jackassness implicitly, I was trying to do it quite explicitly by replying to Akka. Secondly, one has to wonder if a bigger jackass is someone who likes a movie or a show or a person who goes out of his way to tell people they are stupid for liking them. And puts sexism in quotation marks. Plus “I love SCIENCE”, so naturally I tend to be a needy self important piece of shit who does nothing but rag on people for their religious beliefs.

            With that rant outtta the way, let´s talk Aronofsky. Of course if you do not like him, nothing is going to sway you and that is very ok. “Fountain” was very divisive, because I think Aronofsky just showed all of his cards when he did that. He always goes for the most pompous, loud and visually screaming way to tell his stories. Yes, “Wrestler” is more subdued, but that style is not lost at all, he just wallows in the realism instead of stylized imagery. It is not for everyone and the bigger he goes with the plot, the bigger he has to go with his style, which wil definitely tend to alienate some people. I liked “Fountain”. It´s not a particularly deep or meaningful movie or anything, but then, what actually is. To me, Aronofsky is one of the directors whose movies are more akin to music, where you do not have to even understand the lyrics to be moved.

          • ident

            Doesn’t seem smug or sanctimonious to me at all. Certainly not any less than the comment he was responding to. His criticism is a selling point and I’m afraid a lot of people would agree. Nothing sells books or tickets faster than when some religious group tries to ban it or protests against it.

          • Paul Schumann

            we are all assclowns here… just some of us are aware of the fact.
            (also, I’m kind of curious to see the Fountain and the Wrestler before I see Noah)

          • Pa Kent Says Maybe

            You must NEVER see those two movies.

            You’re welcome.

          • Paul Schumann

            I interpreted your statement to be “I must MAYBE see those two movies.”

          • Pa Kent Says Maybe

            I may have been inarticulate.
            Lemme try again.
            If you ever waste your fucking time watching either of those piece-of-sh!t movies you mentioned, don’t come crawling to me, because I tried to educate you once.

          • Paul Schumann

            So, what you’re saying is, Pa Kent doesn’t say “Maybe?”
            The movies will suck. I think I got it now. Is this suckage similar to how I imagine Tree of Life or To the Wonder to be? (Haven’t seen them, but Thin Red Line was torture) or is Arronofsky just insane?

          • Pa Kent Says Maybe

            I’d say THE FOUNTAIN flirts with Malickian ponderousness. (But I’m not a Malick hater.) And, it’s squooshed through a colander into lumpy, mashed fantasy. Anyway, it’s the fucking orange-iest movie to which you’d ever want to lay witness. (And orange is my favorite color!)

            Imagine the secret of life and death reduced to Wolverine staring at a snow-globe.

            Only orange.

          • Paul Schumann

            Ha! I haven’t seen Superman (any of them) so thanks for the backstory there.
            Enough people I respect saw good things in the 2 Malick films I mentioned, so I haven’t written him off yet.

      • ident

        I love science, but I don’t like Aronofsky. That said, I think Transformers 4 is probably a greater affront to God than Noah.

      • Paul Schumann

        wrong. Steven D. Greydanus liked it. http://www.ncregister.com/blog/steven-greydanus/chill-out-about-noah
        I’m gonna see it eventually, but I won’t expect it to be a great film.
        If anything, it seems like its in the vein of “A Serious Man” by the Coen bros. Both films are directed by men raised Jewish, yet without a faith of their own, attempting to grapple with their heritage.
        All that being said, I did read two hilarious reaction piece to seeing “Noah.” The movie does sound a trifle insane, esp with the whole Noah’s family situation being rewritten from scratch.

        • ident

          Rewritten or written? The Bible was light on the details when it came to Noah’s family drama.

          • Paul Schumann

            Well that’s the thing. What little we do know is that he had 3 sons, all married. But we can’t have a stable family dynamic… where’s the *drama* in that? The film has only one of them married, with the middle son thinking he’ll be alone the rest of his life after humanity is wiped out, and more importantly, won’t have an opportunity to, ahem, procreate with a woman.
            source: http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/03/29/im-a-christian-and-i-think-noah-deserves-a-four-star-review/
            also amusing: http://www.intercollegiatereview.com/index.php/2014/04/02/the-noah-bomber/
            Full disclosure: These guys are Catholics and I love how they write. I will most likely watch Noah after it is released digitally, with a tall flagon of ale at my side (to f#%k the pain away, f#%k the pain away…)

          • ident

            I went to your first link. I haven’t seen Noah and probably won’t until it is streaming. Don’t really like Aronofsky’s recent films. So putting aside his criticism of the film, I disagree with everything else he said. But it’s good to be reminded that there are intelligent people out there who think these things.

    • Marc Greene

      I’m not seeing “Noah” just so I can avoid listening to all of those assholes who say “the book is better”.

    • ident

      Noah is no less cynical than any of the other movies mentioned. Trying to cash in on that sweet Passion of the Christ Evangelical dollar.

      • Paul Schumann

        I don’t think its cynical at all. Sounds like an honest attempt to make a personal movie, regardless of how bonkers the result after the director changes some central plot thingys.

        • ident

          The choice to take out the flood and turn it into a buddy road picture was an odd one, I admit.

  • Wolf0PHL

    These guys really hit the mark on how stalwart artistic expression is in Hollywood.

  • dextromethorphan

    One of these days the Care Boars are going to push me over the edge.

  • Percy Gryce

    Jay breaks character so often, he’s become the Jimmy Fallon or Tom Magliozzi of RLM.

    • Benzo

      The Playing Dangerously Monkey Kid of RLM?

      • LelouchtheFilial

        Ah. You mean the kid from “Ice Cream Man.”

        • Benzo

          Oh, right, sorry. I always git dose too migzd up wen ivf had dringz..

          • Alex Lee

            “Although it’s more Vodka than gimlet.”

            Harry S. Plinkett

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    “I hear the film’s so bad they’re not even screening it for audiences!”

    It took me a second to get what Mike meant, but once I did I had to pause the video because I was laughing so hard.

    Am I looking forward to an over-saturation of Hollywood sequels? NOOOOOOOO!

    • Not Claude Akins

      I… I don’t get it :(

      • ident

        Claude Akins would have gotten it. Just sayin’,

  • Robby

    Jay has some fantastic facial expressions in this.

  • Mark Bisone

    You frauds forgot such surefire mega-hits as…

    The Amazing Spiderman 2! A sequel to a reboot of a remake of a reboot of a popular comic book!

    Godzilla! A reboot of a beloved franchise that only has 33 movies attached to it, four of which are also reboots!

    Jurassic Park 4! I’m gonna slit my wrists!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpc53FvcZ4c

    • Striker, Ted

      Don’t slit your wrists yet! Next year you have Taken 3, The Mechanic 2, Magic Mike XXL, Chronicle 2, Bourne Legacy 2, annnnnnnddddd Resident Evil 6!

      • Mark Bisone

        Don’t you mean, “Resident Re-Evil: Alliteration”?

        • Striker, Ted

          Resident Evil 66: Order Hot Zone Kill

      • Domo_Konnichiwa

        Don’t forget such 2014 Christmas classics as The Hobbit III and Annie, where the orphanage is nicer than my apartment! Totally believable!

        • Striker, Ted

          Starring Jaden Plinkett Smith as Annie!

    • Joe Syxpac

      I take it this is a review of the movie?

  • Percy Gryce

    But T.V. this summer is gonna be great. I want Mike & Jay to talk about the new seasons of Mad Men and Game of Thrones.

    • Pissernacht

      I really agree with you there. I’d love to see a whole new segment on RLM that deals with T.V. shows.

      I’m also worried about that thought. I’m not sure even Red Letter Media can escape whatever AMC executives go around offering blowjobs and piles of money to whoever will gush about how good The Walking Dead is…

      Not that they don’t deserve either, but I just fear the thought of Mike and Jay selling out…*shiver*…whoring themselves for cheap product placement and saying whatever will get them a quick buck…

      • LelouchtheFilial

        Ohhhh, I’ve seen internet writers (not just commenters– paid writers) lambast The Walking Dead before.
        Mike and Jay’ll be fine.

        • Pissernacht

          Really! Shit, where? Everywhere I look it’s just a sea open mouths waiting desperately for AMC’s cock…

          • LelouchtheFilial

            There’s an article written by Cracked.com’s pop culture junkie, Daniel O’Brien, called “The 4 Biggest Missed Opportunities in Fiction.” You’ve got a section in their about how good Walking Dead COULD have been, but how it totally isn’t that good.

          • Pissernacht

            Genuine thanks! I now feel a little less like a flickering candle, all alone come a moonless, windy night-

            Sorry, I’m not sure where that came from…

    • TapewormBike

      Still have not seen either of those shows. The internets seem to like them though.

      • Percy Gryce

        Have you see The Wire, the Battlestar Galactica reboot, or The Sopranos? I’m just trying to gauge how long you’ve been stranded in Czechia.

        • TapewormBike

          Oh we got those in here, I am just always behind with everything. “The Wire” I had seen in its entirety twice. “Battlestar” I started watching and then spoiled myself on the ending and now I do not have much of incentive to go on. Sopranos is awesome of course. I dunno, for some reason I watch way more Brittish shows (they are significantly shorter for one thing).

          • TapewormBike

            And I loved True Detective. Just thought I´d be original on the internet.

          • Percy Gryce

            Never heard of it.

    • omitted

      I want Mike & Jay to reenact every sex scene portrayed in those two series

    • Akka Fakka

      Ah yes, Game of Thrones: soft core porn for larping jackasses. And Mad Men: let’s sneer ironically at generations that were immeasurably better than us because ‘sexism’.

      • TapewormBike

        Well, now I really want to watch those shows

        • Now I Get It

          TV is where all the writers went.

        • Domo_Konnichiwa

          There is a blog for Mad Men that focuses solely on the meaning of colors in each episode. From wardrobe to set design. Just colors. Are you sure you want to go down that route?

          • TapewormBike

            Dude, you have to understand, I´m like a huge fan of blue, so…

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            You’re into infanticide, then. Sorry to break that to you.

      • ident

        I don’t like Game of Thrones, but you can’t deny that it’s watched by millions, not a handful of larpers. I only watched a few episodes of Mad Men, but that was enough to see that you are profoundly misrepresenting it.

    • Paul Schumann

      Serious question: How is Game of Thrones? It sounds like it would be… tiresome.

      • Domo_Konnichiwa

        I had to take notes initially, or at least keep up a family tree on the computer to understand who was who. Once i understood who everyone was and how they were related, I liked it.

        Characters can be pretty complex, where one season you hate them, and then the next you love them. There’s very little downtime, especially if you watch the seasons marathon-style. Major plot twists can make you scream with glee or horror depending on who you like. The special effects are great without being noticeable, great score, set design and wardrobe.

        • Now I Get It

          What you said, totally. Also, I like to serve tea and slices of my little pony to my stuffed animals, while we listen to the commentaries.

        • Paul Schumann

          I like large casts of characters. Looking forwards to it.

      • Now I Get It

        Season one was Machiavellian, then season two added magic, but in both the blood flowed in rivers, was collected in pails, then sluiced the down gullets of villains. Plus whatever Domooru_Sashimiwa already replied. Have not seen a frame of season three, but I expect it was glorious.

      • Percy Gryce

        I’ve been surprised that I’ve liked it. The books were after my time, so to speak. And I figured it was the usual Tolkien rip-off–Swords of Shannara-style. In fact, it’s more a teleplay version of the War of the Roses with dragons and zombies and magic added in. All very well done–the location filming especially.

        • Paul Schumann

          Oh really? My pater said some of the younger cops were watching it and asked me if I’d heard of it. Initially I’d heard much the same as @ident:disqus and teh interwebs was all abuzz about the “strong female character” who gets nekkid and stuff… so that made me groan. (Also – Sean Bean gets whacked in this? Dude can’t get a break…) My dad and I have similar tastes in movies and film but this sounded a tad exploitative and dumb, despite all the ironwork and battles.

          • ident

            Don’t see very many men concerned about bewbs on tv. Excepting the lack of.

          • Percy Gryce

            Everything you say is true–it is HBO after all–but the show has grown past that. (And Emilia Clarke, the main actress in question, has put her foot down about future nudity–or so I think I’ve read.)

            I would recommend it as engrossing if not particularly uplifting viewing.

          • Paul Schumann

            Thanks. I was never interested in swords n sorcery fantasy since they all seemed like pale imitations of LotR, but I’m gonna give this a shot. (by which I mean I’m going to watch alllll of it)

          • Percy Gryce

            It’s ripe for a binge. Enjoy.

          • Paul Schumann

            Aye. And if I could make a recommendation to you… Lilyhammer. Hilarious show. I’m two episodes from the end of the latest (2nd) season. Watching that little Italian-American corrupting Norwegians with his can-do spirit is just too delicious.

          • Percy Gryce

            OK. I’ve seen it listed on Netflix. I’ll put it in the queue.

          • Paul Schumann

            Beginning late on Holy Saturday with Season 1, I just watched the most recent episode of Season 4 yesterday. GoT has its… merits. A hearty thanks for the recommendation.
            All the “Sexposition” aside, the characters are fascinating and there’s rarely a dull moment. I don’t see myself yelling/groaning at the widescreen computer monitor like during Walking Dead – not sure what it is, either better writing or the fact there’s only 10 episodes a season, so they don’t extend the show with filler.
            Also, (this photo) is just the greatest.

          • Percy Gryce

            Χριστός ἀνέστη! Happy to be helpful.

          • ident

            “I can describe an axe entering a human skull in great explicit detail and no one will blink twice at it. I provide a similar description, just as detailed, of a penis entering a vagina, and
            I get letters about it and people swearing off. To my mind this is kind of frustrating, it’s madness. Ultimately, in the history of [the] world, penises entering vaginas have given a lot of people a lot of pleasure; axes entering skulls, well, not so much.” – George RR Martin

      • ident

        I’ll be the lone dissenter. I found the plotting to be contrived and characterization inconsistent. I got halfway through the first season before giving up.

        • Paul Schumann

          I’d heard that as well. I wonder is this more of a “guilty pleasure” with folks – something for the proverbial shutting down of the brain?

        • Percy Gryce

          I don’t agree. I actually think there are probably actual historical precedents for every plot twist in the show–so they are not entirely fanciful or beyond reason.

          Some characters change, but mostly, I think, in reasonable ways.

          But I’m not a rabid partisan on the subject. I’m nowhere near as invested in this show as I might be in others.

          • ident

            He may have taken every event in his books from some historical event, that doesn’t make it any less contrived. Take the English Civil War out of context and put it in Narnia between the fauns and the badgers and it doesn’t make any sense. I’m not talking about character arcs, I’m talking about characters doing things those characters should never do. Peter Dinklage bringing his prostitute girlfriend into the royal castle is something that character would have been far too shrewd to do from what we have seen from him to that point. I can’t remember the other things that pissed me off, I just remember sighing through every episode.

            Wait, I do remember the architecture pissed me off a lot. Another example of taking things from history and putting them into a context where they make no sense. The Moroccan or Arab style interiors of the royal castle with so many rooms and halls open to the elements makes no sense in a world where winter is harsh and lasts for years. But even putting that aside, there would not be such a huge difference in architecture between neighboring kingdoms with a shared history and culture.

        • Cy

          I read the books, but got bored by the show.

          You are right about the characterization. The books frequently change character focus from chapter to chapter. When this happens the focused characters become more uniform in their thoughts and actions. It’s more palatable reading it in a book, where you see into a character’s mind. But it can be quite jarring in the show.

          • ident

            I haven’t read the books. It may be that all my issues are addressed in some manner in the books. My opinion extends only to the TV show.

  • Fartastic

    I’m sick and tired of all those sequels! When is the next Plinkett review?

    • Thanatos2k

      When’s the Plinkett review reboot!?

  • Fangs

    Jay.

    • omitted

      is all I need

      • omitted

        to look at while I train my dragon

      • Fangs

        Make it two. Mine with cream, sugar and a massive erec…Holy hymen, here am I daydreaming again!

        • omitted

          I’d like mine decaf, otherwise we’ll be up all night… oh, never mind

          • Fangs

            ;) Wet.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            Well, you 2 are set for the night.

          • Now I Get It

            Check their avatars. “Hot and Horny” hooks up with the only Elvgren model onsite. I expected nothing less.

          • omitted

            2? Wait, where’s Jay? Fangs, did you uncuff him again?!

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            Fangs is doing a David Carradine in the utility closet. Next to the mop bucket. Easy cleanup.

  • Pissernacht

    …what the hell? Jesus, you guys are awfully prolific with your humor this week! I’m digging it, baby.

    • Joe Syxpac

      That’s not Jesus, that’s Jay.

      Don’t worry, it’s a common mistake.

  • Booger

    Yes, I’m fucking following you. Does it matter? Noooooooooooooooooooooo.
    I’m still holding out for Empire Strikes Back 2: Striking Back with a Vengence.

    • Marozeph

      Also, where’s Spaceballs 2: The search for more money?

      • Booger

        Joking aside, that could have been amazing. A sequel that makes fun of the sequel hungry film industry whilst parodying the prequels perhaps (as was rumored), written by Moranis and Brooks. Fuck Yes. Apparently they considered making Spaceballs 3: The Search for Spaceballs 2. Another missed opportunity of an actually warranted sequel.

      • Alex Lee

        And I think it’s about time to actually make History of the World: Part II. Why not, at this point?

  • omitted

    Not enough lens flares!

    UNSUBSCRIBE!

  • TapewormBike

    ……..this shit fo real?

    • TapewormBike

      Knew it

      • TapewormBike

        Wait, what the fuck was I thinking, it says summer 2014.

        • omitted

          Come on, like you ever thought of anything besides fuck

          • TapewormBike

            You people know me too well.

          • omitted

            Yes, soon we’ll all meld into a hivemind of bad puns, repetitive memes and coarse innuendo.

            Resistance is futile!

          • TapewormBike

            And we will all live in a big Dorkcube.

          • Now I Get It
          • locoma

            The Happening 2?

          • Mitchell Taco Nash

            I don’t know what’s so fascinating about this GIF, but I cannot unfix my eyes from it. I think I would honestly pay money to go see a feature length film that had nothing but this for an hour and a half.

          • Percy Gryce

            A giant vagina in the desert?

          • Joe Syxpac

            Nope. An anus in a field.

          • Now I Get It

            Whatever it is, it’s dry and dilated.

          • Now I Get It

            I was fascinated, too, and I think it’s because the cut between the wide and close shot of the hole is so logical. Each one leads to the next – wide -> close-> wide -> close – as if it’s new people jumping in each time, as opposed to most gifs, in which you can see where the loop begins and ends.
            It’s like in “Sorcerer”, which shows us two trucks full of dynamite crossing the same treacherous bridge, one after the other, and even though it was the same thing both times, the crossings were equally suspenseful. There could have been six crossings and it still would have been edge-of-your-seat stuff.
            Plus, who doesn’t enjoy seeing a horde of Japanese salary-men being laid off?

          • Paul Schumann

            Wow, a Sorcerer reference. My dad showed me that movie after he’d heard my growing interest in house music – the soundtrack was scored by Tangerine Dream, an early German electronic group that influenced my dad’s tastes when he was younger.

          • Now I Get It

            A sign of the times:

            Sorcerer (’77): Tangerine Dream
            Thief (’81): Tangerine Dream
            Chariots of Fire (’81): Vangelis

          • Paul Schumann

            whoa I only knew he did Blade Runner; that’s quite a variety of films.

          • Percy Gryce

            Ah, synchronicity. Just last night I was listening to this:

            https://www.hos.com/#program/0886

          • Now I Get It

            And Blade Runner – how could I forget the one I liked best?

          • Percy Gryce

            And thanks for the tip to Sorcerer. Exactly the kind of movie I’m looking for these days.

          • Now I Get It

            I was introduced by a friend who wanted to be a career intelligence officer. But the title he offered that really stuck with me was “The Sandbaggers”.

          • Percy Gryce

            Another great lead. I’m on it–like Space Cop on a frankfurter.

          • Now I Get It

            Good. See if you can solve the case of the long-lost 20th episode – something the like debate among fans of “The Prisoner” over the true order of that series’ episodes – not to mention the death of series creator Ian Mackintosh.

          • Percy Gryce

            As usual, you are cryptic and delightful.

          • Now I Get It

            Kind words, but – full disclosure? – I’m in the fight of my life for the Henry Darger Prize, for the internet’s Most Anomalous Nobody, aka The iMAN (Apple sponsorship pending). It’s all about walking that ever-narrowing strip of deserted beach between the forest and the sea.

            http://afancifultwist.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451d99869e2016768657928970b-500wi

          • Pa Kent Says Maybe

            Which was a remake.

            Full Circle.

          • Percy Gryce

            Touché.

  • Steven Gibbs

    What about spiderman 2? Captain America 2? The protector 2? And the godzilla remake! I’m starting to think this wasn’t a serious review at all.

    • Booger

      The ones they know they probably HAVE to review. Then the ones they will review anyway like Days of Future Past and Rio 2. Buncha frauds.

  • Otto Torrens

    Godzilla…. Amazing Spiderman 2…. you missed the biggest ones :C

  • TapewormBike

    So, when is the Plinkett remake coming?

    • Duckler

      Have you tried saying “Plinkett” into a mirror three times?

      • TapewormBike

        I did. Candy comes out.

        • Duckler

          Cool! I just got sprayed in the face with Raid.

          • TapewormBike

            Wait, you forgot to be jerking off while saying it, didn´t you?

          • omitted

            Well duh, why wouldn’t you be jerking off to anything RLM related?

          • Boehm

            No its pizza rolls that come out, duh

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            The blue bottle?

    • ronin122

      Yeah, these hack frauds are all out of fresh ideas. Time to sell out with a remake of the Prequel reviews; a full remake, none of that 3D remaster crap. But how are we gonna reboot Plinkett? Use Rich Evans instead of Mike? Make him a sad lonely man instead of a hooker-killing psycho? How will Redlettermedia fuck this up!?

      • WrongWithYourFace

        High framerate edition?

        • Domo_Konnichiwa

          Time to get nauseous!

    • http://about.me/hexeno Hexeno

      Jonah Hill is… PLINKETT.
      Comming 2016.

  • shuura84

    I usually don’t read comments without hitting pause after watching the video.
    But when I do…

    …the Care Boars gets me.

    • TapewormBike

      It had been foretold that if a RLM fan watches Care Boars all the way to the end, an actual new Best of the Worst appears. Sadly, the suffering gets the better of all of us.

      • shuura84

        Of course.. The RLM_TCB_BotW_prophecy !
        (Btw didn’t suffering lead to fecal urgency ? Or something…)

        • TapewormBike

          And the fecal urgency leads either to anger or bloody stool. Not sure which one.

          • Booger

            It goes: Suffering leads to Fecal Urgency, Fecal Urgency leads to Bloody Stool, and Bloody Stool leads to Suffering. Wait…

          • TapewormBike

            “Oily foods must I stop eating”

          • WrongWithYourFace

            Weren’t those interchangeable?

    • Paul Schumann

      Shhh keep this between us, but I watch the videos on the home page, then click on the comments as soon as it finishes.

    • Booger

      Hey, guess what, wrong video to post a Care Boars joke.

      • shuura84

        What’s that “Care Boars” you’re talking about ?
        This is not the joke you’re looking for…

  • omitted

    Take your lady, Jay? Your LADY?!?! I don’t know, sounds awfully heteronormative to me…

    • Duckler

      Lady Jay from G.I. Joe is his girlfriend?

  • Meester Smeeth

    Awesome! A list of all the movies Mike and Jay wont be watching this year! I can’t wait!

  • jaymanxyz2

    Can’t wait for this summer’s great movies!

    • omitted

      Jay’s expression after reading the slash fic about him and me I just wrote

    • Jason

      the Thousand-Yard Stare, seen on ex-war vets, trauma patients, and cinephiles who are old enough to remember a time when movies weren’t just soulless cash machines.

    • Charon

      This episode is so dark.

      • Now I Get It

        I want this as the watermark on my personal cheques.

      • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

        This needs more likes

        • Percy Gryce

          I and my anonymous doppelgänger have done our part.

      • Big Mclargehuge

        But is it so dense?

  • link

    Hey, fuck you guys, How to train your dragon was great

    • dollar store cashier wife

      it’s just a generic cartoon.

    • ronin122

      Did it need a sequel?

      • link

        A question like that can only really be answered if the sequel earns it’s existence, right?

        • ident

          He said need. We should be able to look at the original movie and see if there is more story to be told. What I can recall of How to Train Your Dragon is that the boy learned how to train his dragon. It didn’t have a rich mythos inviting other stories and there was no other character I wanted to know more about. None of this means the sequel can’t be good.

          • link

            What movie needs a sequel though?

      • Pa Kent Says Maybe

        It did not. No movie needs a sequel.

    • Ludwig Scroggins IV

      But How to Fuck Your Dragon will be better.

  • shanebroughton

    I just realized that I’ve become a total misanthrope.

    • TapewormBike

      Nah, the people just became all bunch of fucks.

    • Meester Smeeth

      You’re a fucking werewolf?? Ohhh myyy gaaaaaad!

    • http://kingengrishkube.deviantart.com/ kube of Nazareth over 9000

      its the beard..

    • catnep

      Welcome!

      • Now I Get It

        I know that being friendly to misanthropes isn’t really a sign of feline distemper, but you’ve got distemper!

    • Pa Kent Says Maybe

      Why so?

      • shanebroughton

        ‘Cause Hollywood sucks. Full of vapid people shoveling out garbage. The dumb masses cobble it up. Which makes me realize that most people out there suck.

  • The Summer of George

    I liked the part with all the mock enthusiasm.

    • Domo_Konnichiwa

      There wasn’t enough of it. My eardrums aren’t bleeding yet.

      • Big Mclargehuge

        fork in the brain…

  • http://kingengrishkube.deviantart.com/ kube of Nazareth over 9000

    i guess i now can take that many memes per seconds.. will there be a RLM’s 2014 Summer Movie Round-up Round 2?.. *drooling*

    • omitted

      It will be called 22 Jump-TheShark-Street

      • http://kingengrishkube.deviantart.com/ kube Duke of Anjou

        it makes sense!!!

  • Marc Greene

    So… no Captain America: The Winter Soldier review next week? That sucks.

  • KonradZell

    See anything gif worthy in there, Fadlechud?

    • Duckler

      I demand your free content from their free content!

      • KonradZell

        I demand nothing. And I would gladly repay Mike, Jay, and Faddlechud with free back rubs for their time and effort…

        • omitted

          I volunteer as Tribute! I mean to rub Jay… on the back… and other places…

    • Dixon Bawls

      Seconded. And suggest Jay’s face at 2:27-2:30.

  • naah

    someone(s)’s been watching Mega64

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6StE3jRHy4

    • WrongWithYourFace

      Why would anyone watch that? Why are they screaming? Why doesn’t the video have a theme of any kind? Do they think they can amuse me by giving me a fucking headache? The fuck is this shit? Fuck? Fuck!

    • TJ

      I was thinking the same thing.

    • locoma

      holy shit I’m a mega64 fan and I’ve missed these, thanks!

    • Booger

      I’m a gamer, I am familiar Mega64 and their style. Those guys…are awful…just terrible. Sure the video looks similar but it isn’t as clever, funny, or well edited. They’re a bunch of extremely self-satisfied gaming elitists that bash Call of Duty and Madden without any wit and think they are smart for doing so. They are obnoxious, loud, and stupid. Don’t ever compare RLM to those actual Hack Frauds again.

      • LelouchtheFilial

        Well, the comparison is warranted when RLM is PARODYING their style.

        • Booger

          It’s usually a parody when those being parodied are at the butt of the joke to some extent. I did not get that from this, I got, “Please help us, we’re two very drunk men in front of a green screen longing for death.” But that’s just me.

          • LelouchtheFilial

            Okay, but since the videos are in a similar style of nausea and green screen, I think we can at least COMPARE them.
            Mr. Plinkett compared Revenge of the Sith to Citizen Kane, after all. Comparisons don’t need to be positive.

          • Booger

            The original comment said nothing of comparison. It implied a borrowing of ideas, which may or may not have happened, but I just think it gives too little credit to RLM and too much credit to Mega 64.

          • LelouchtheFilial

            THAT, I understand.

          • Cameron Vale

            It’s low hanging fruit, simple as that.

    • LelouchtheFilial

      Ah, so these guys went to the “Just Shout at a Camera to Be Funny” School of Comedy.
      I wonder if Nostalgia Critic signed their yearbook.

      • TapewormBike

        These guys can be quite funny actually. I am a weird creature that does not play games, but is well informed in the matters of them and Mega64 can definitely make me laugh. As this gamer/nongamer hybrid, what I would say is a)This is not what they usually do, just yearly wrap – up with those two as characters represnting obnoxious types of gamers, b) If Booger does not find them funny, that´s ok, nobody has the same sense of humour. But I dont think they rag on CoD or Madden as games, just generally on the trend of releasing what are quite similar games, yearly with slight improvements (I cannot say it for sure for CoD or Madden, but FIFA sure as fuck is the same since basically PS1 era when I was into it) and c)This is redirecting from RLM site to elsewhere, so it is either getting deleted or at least frowned upon by Jay the Bearded.

        • Booger

          I’m all for hating on CoD and sports games, they deserve it and many other gamers do the same including myself, but I just find them obnoxious. They also do hidden-camera-game-themed pranks which should be right up my alley but they almost always come off as jerks. In contrast, I love Keith Apicary and all his old videos including the hidden camera stuff, which wasn’t brilliant, but it was above just messing with people. There was usually a joke behind his shenanigans. Different strokes for different fucks I guess…

          • Booger

            The guest is me. Not sure why.

          • TapewormBike

            It showed up in my mail as you. I guess Disqus has its time of the month.

          • TapewormBike

            Oh I get it, some of the pranks are too cringeworthy for me. Keith Apicary is the guy who got banned from some convention right? Have to check him out:)

        • Paul Schumann

          I get that the linked vid in question was meant to be a parody, but it was too long not to be irritating. And then they go for all the same obvious choices for their top games that all the gaming press loves: Last of Us, BioShock: Infinite, Gone Home, Don’t Starve. I’ve only played Infinite and wasn’t that impressed, so I guess my conclusion after seeing their little video is that they don’t have anything new to say really.

          • TapewormBike

            Yeah, that is kinda true, they mostly do like pretty obvious jokes. And I mean really obvious, since, again, the only contact I get with games is whatever Jim Sterling puts out (because I love the guy) and then dicking around on youtube. I just sort of like the dudes themselves, I used to listen to their podcast quite a bit some time ago.

          • TJ

            Tapeworm, you have good taste my friend!

          • TapewormBike

            I am doing it for the power.

          • TJ

            of Greyskull?

        • LelouchtheFilial

          I’m not that familiar with their work.
          My comment was actually more of a dig at Nostalgia Critic… who, really, I don’t even have a problem with.


          …I’m just an asshole, huh, fellas?

          • TapewormBike

            Welcome among us, brother.

    • ident

      Is that someone you? I bet it’s you.

  • CalBears12

    But you could care less right

    • sepiajack

      Much less

    • Pa Kent Says Maybe

      Wish I could care more, but I don’t.

  • playdude92 .

    Just saw Captain America 2. It was a good time with great fight scenes and two boring villains. What?! Did you expect a fucking jo-

  • splimis

    Its not 2014, its 2013 2: this time its… the same thing.

  • NotoriousPAT

    I’d rather watch any of those movies than a clip of Mr. Plinkett eating.

    • Percy Gryce

      There’s no accounting for taste.

  • AdeoAdversary

    Yup, the sad state of the movie industry, but hilarious as usual guys. Although I am looking forward to the next wolverine movie.

  • Anthony D.

    You guys forgot:

    Westerners Try Godzilla 2
    The Amazing Spider-Man 2
    Captain America 2
    Sleeping Beauty: The Gritty Reboot
    The Purge 2
    Step Up: All In (They’re Still Making These?)
    Sin City 2 (which is actually a prequel)
    …and Kevin Bacon

    But I’ll forgive you because you briefly allowed me to forget there are even more sequels and reboots than the ones in the video…

    • locoma

      oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

    • tjp77

      I’m actually looking forward to Sin City 2. They’ve been trying to get that made for years.

      • Marozeph

        “They’ve been trying to get that made for years.”
        That’s not exactly a guarantee for quality, is it? (See: Duke Nukem Forever, Delgo, The Love Guru)

        • tjp77

          It’s not because the original Sin City wasn’t good, it’s because it didn’t make enough money.

          That’s why Adam Sandler’s bullshit get an automatic greenlight, but unique and interesting movies have to languish in development hell for a decade; his movies have a built in audience (of morons) and a fuckton of product placement to pad the budget with.

          Sin City was a fantastic movie. The sequel has a fair shot at being just as good.

      • ident

        There’s always someone looking forward to a given sequel. I’m sure Twitter is all ablaze about the new Step Up. Just an observation.

        • tjp77

          Bah. The original Sin City was awesome. Step Up sucked. Making a sequel to a shitty movie is immediately a bad idea. At least Sin City 2 has a fair chance of being good.

  • Bobby Lee

    Somebody PLEASE run me the fuck over.

    It would be preferable to sitting through another God. Damned. Soulless. Remake.

    • Andrew St. Clair

      Until they come out with the next Batman movie. Then you’ll rush to the theatre to see it.

      • Pa Kent Says Maybe

        You pegged me. I will rush to see the next Batman movie, and I will hate it just like the last five Batman movies.

        I can’t help it. Batman is my favorite fictional character, and I am a die-hard optimist.

        Don’t judge me. It’s like bullying.

  • Ludwig Scroggins IV

    Still waiting for a sequel to Black Ninja–Somewhat Competent African-American Yellow belt.

    • Booger

      Sounds like a prequel to me. Then again that would mean Black Ninja was at one time somewhat competent.

  • locoma

    I think I’m off to a deserted island or something, I’ll be back in Autumn

  • Thanatos2k

    Oh, so that’s what Mike and Jay were doing while Jack and Wizard argued with themselves and Rich stood motionless for days.

  • Cy

    Hmm. Either your ironic wit is amazing… or you misused the phrase “couldn’t care less.”

    (The phrase means that you care so little that it’s impossible for you to care any less. If you “could care less” then you care more than the minimum level of caring. The humor of your comment lies in your apparent care, complete with an example demonstrating your care, along with the irony of saying you could care less. I decided this comment was necessadfsaoihsadf becaopisadfjkh askjfhein irgor)

  • BCFC25

    I think i died a little inside.

  • http://about.me/hexeno Hexeno

    Holy shit all those death threats actually worked.

  • http://macaulay.us/ Scottland559

    I think I remember what it was like to look forward to summer movies, a long time ago….in a theatre far, far away

    • Andrew St. Clair

      You mean, when they were the exact same movies you saw on this list, but just didn’t have a 2 next to them?

      • PeteWilson89

        He means Roadhouse.

        • Domo_Konnichiwa

          Or Beaches.

  • PeteWilson89

    I had to check that body double thing just in case it was a joke. Apparently it wasn’t. Nice to see Hollywood taking pointers off the seedy underbelly of Hong Kong B-movies.

    • Kenshiroh

      I can’t wait for the scene where they tape a cardboard cutout of Paul Walker’s face in the rear view mirror while we see the back of another actor’s head.

      • Cy

        In that case, just take the approach of “Plan 9 From Outer Space” and have a new actor hold a cape in front of their face.

    • http://www.plasticpals.com/ Robotbling

      To be fair they probably have enough footage from the first six Fast & Furious movies that they could insert actual footage of Paul Walker into every scene and no one would be the wiser.

  • Not Claude Akins
  • Dixon Bawls

    no comment

    • catnep

      no comment part 2: the art of nonmedy

      • thenononsensedude .

        followed by the commentless comment: breachin’ of the 5′th wall.

        • Pa Kent Says Maybe

          Which bombs unexpectedly, requiring a reboot wherein the comment skews younger and changes race for no reason.

          The trailer is all BWAMMY just like a Nolan trailer.

  • AntifreezeTeetotaler

    Only Lovers Left Alive, the latest Jim Jarmusch flick, is headed to theatres later this month. That’s something to look forward to.

    • Taft you FUCK

      The script idea stealing hack? No thanks. ;-) ;-) ;-)

      • AntifreezeTeetotaler

        I think I’ve missed a reference to something.

        • Taft you FUCK

          You didn’t, he just got accused of ripping off a script idea back in 2006, and from shit I read he kinda had a reputation for it in the screenwriting community. But that could just be jealous writers who couldn’t get their shit made, and he had a similar story at the time.

    • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

      Only because it has vampires in it.

    • Pa Kent Says Maybe

      5 theaters. And they’re all on a coast.

      Nobody’s gonna have a chance to see that until it comes out on DVD. The Godzillaplexes have to have all their screens playing, um, well, GODZILLA.

  • Taft you FUCK

    Only goddamn pretentious neck-bearded art film snobs would thumb their nose at 10 FEET TALL IRRADIATED KARATE REPTILES THAT FINISH OFF THE SEXUAL VIOLATION THAT WAS THE TRANSFORMERS ABORTIONS. My inner child is a rotting corpse.

    Guardians of the Galaxy, Captain America 2, and the new Hobbit movie will be fine though.

    • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

      Why don’t you stop worrying about your childhood and grow the fuck up.

      • Domo_Konnichiwa

        He was a beanbag chair as a child. It’s the only way he gets affection.

      • Taft you FUCK

        That’s no way for a young person to address a former President of the United States.

        Now, draft a formal letter of apology, send it to my secretary, and then stop making assumptions about somebody you’ve never met before and shut the fuck up.

        In that order. I can wait.

        • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

          You get out of the bathtub first, you pro-business, union-busting manatee.

  • GeneralGrievance

    I was gonna say u forgot Amazing Spiderman 2, which is the sequel to Amazing Spiderman 1, which isn’t to be confused with Spiderman 2…but then I remembered it’s coming out in May, so it’s not a summer movie…ooohhhh

  • infernocanuck

    That was amazing! I’m going to fucking shoot myself!

  • Gobshite

    Meanwhile, Dredd, a film that actually fucking deserves a sequel, remains a distant wet dream whilst fresh turds are being pinched from the anus that is known as Hollywood.

    • Captain Turbo

      Dredd couldn’t find an audience because there are only six smart people left in the world. (Disclaimer: I am not one of them.)

      • ident

        Dredd has an audience. According to Karl Urban, it had strong DVD/Bluray sales and there are discussions about a sequel. As for the box office, I don’t know any more than anyone else, but I think the ghost of Stallone killed Dredd‘s chances there.

        • Alex Lee

          Yeah, too bad considering it’s a better Robocop remake than the Robocop Remake.

  • http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=UberNeuman UberNeuman

    I’m looking forward to 2: The Motion Picture 2: Part 2.

    • Kaingerc

      electric boogaloo 2 too.

      • Domo_Konnichiwa

        in 2D.

  • Booger

    Right after Cop Dog 2: Spacecopdog Goes to Space.

    His name? Spacecopdog. He came from the future to the past. A dog, out of time, out in space.

  • PeteWilson89

    I concur. It left me scarred.

  • Drain

    Sequel Sequel Sequel Sequel All Sequels to shit movies looking to cash grab. Couldn’t give 2 shits about any of these. Maybe Expendables if you like the actors. That’s about it.

    May as well have named them these:

    “Sequel, Part 2″ – “Sequel 2, The Return” – “Revenge Of The Sequel” – “The Sequel’s Sequel” Or my personal favorite – “The Sequel’s Sequel Sequel of Sequel’s Sequels” Try saying that one out loud.

    Fast and Furious 7. Really?

    … Really?

  • Drain

    That movie will be a 30 min clip of Rich sitting on a couch.

    • Joe Syxpac

      With a split screen of him standing in the closet.

    • catnep

      With a plate of hotdogs…

      • Now I Get It

        …and not eating them. Talk about suspense.

        • catnep

          Spoilers!

  • Joe Syxpac

    You forgot to thank Asylum for their latest hit: Airplane vs Volcano! Based on a true story! No shit! That’s what it fuckin’ says! Starring Dean Cain and Robin Givens, who doesn’t look nearly as bad as someone who got slapped around by Mike Tyson should!

  • Joe Syxpac

    Also, you forgot the reboot of the remake of Godzilla! Because the Japanese didn’t make nearly enough of them!

  • Cy

    Personally, I’m looking forward to the reboot of Game Station 2.0, titled Game Station 2.0: Discontinued.

    Also, very excited to hear about the new Prometheus movie in the works, which is the sequel to the quasi-prequel to the original Alien franchise, which is in a similar but different universe than the Alien vs. Predator series. I know I will just love this quasi-pre-sequel, I’m 100000000% sure. And that’s a lot of percents, you guys. Count them. Count my percents.

    • Fartastic

      I totally know what you mean. There’s pre-secum in my pants whenever I think of Prometheus 2.

      • Benzo

        How did this black goo get in my pants?

        • Thanatos2k

          There will be answers to that….on the DVD release

  • Cy

    I was wondering when M. Night Shyamalan would release his next masterpiece, but I just saw some horrible news on TV tonight:

    Tragedy struck today as acclaimed director M. Night Shyamalan uncovered a thinly-veiled twist in the story of his life. When the director began watching his own latest movies, he saw that they weren’t any good.

    “It was shocking,” the acclaimed director said. “They were all horrible, and inexplicably used lengthy shots which further ruined any chance an editor might have at making certain sequences less terrible.”

    This wasn’t the first twist Shyamalan has uncovered. Earlier in his career, Newsweek magazine brandished him on the front of their publication with the quote, “The Next Spielberg.” In a dramatic twist of fate, investigators discovered Stephen Spielberg was still alive, and later went on to direct the mega-blockbuster sensation “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”

    • Cameron Vale

      They also called Shyamalan the next Hitchcock, which at least isn’t total nonsense like the Spielberg comparison, but it may not be quite the praise it sounds like when you consider that Shyamalan’s only made ten films so far, and Hitchcock’s first ten films didn’t even have sound.

  • Joe Syxpac

    DON’T SPEAK THE NAME OF THAT MOVIE OUT LOUD!

    They might actually reboot it. Just pretend it never happened.

  • RoCr

    Tim and Eric wish they were this good.

  • LukeMM95

    Fuck movies.

    • dollar store cashier wife

      movies can eat my cock

      • Pa Kent Says Maybe

        Buddy, let them chew it. That might be pleasurable. But, I guarantee you do not want them eating it. At the very least, you want to keep it for peeing. Life spent wearing a drip bag would really bite.

    • Pa Kent Says Maybe

      Just the bad ones.

  • Cameron Vale

    I swear that Jay gets a little closer to sporting a handlebar mustache with every video.

    • Percy Gryce

      These things take time.

  • Svas Tara

    Brilliant! :)

  • catnep

    WHAT no Hangover prequel this summer?

    • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

      Wait, Silver Linings Playbook isn’t related to the Hangover movies?

      • Pa Kent Says Maybe

        I’m so proud that I “get” your handle.

        • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

          But do you “get” Captain Beefheart? More importantly, does anyone “get” Captain Beefheart?

  • catnep

    If we took up a collection, maybe they’d send Rich with a parrot cam so we coud see his faaaace.

  • ident

    Who are those people and why would we want to do them?

  • ident

    Kramer vs. Kramer is a classic. I also discovered Brick accidentally. I thought an earnest film noir set in a high school would be awful but it wasn’t. However, none of that excuses your unpatriotic failure to financially support Hollywood. You’ll soon be receiving a visit from your local MPAA representative to discuss your refusal to love your country and appropriate reparations.

  • elgatoblanco

    This video was great except for the Rich Evans nude scene at the end, was way too short

  • Alex

    So that’s it right? ‘Fuck You, It’s January’ has been officially extended until summer.

    • Domo_Konnichiwa

      Soon it will be a yearlong spectacular.

      • TapewormBike

        After that we will pay to sit in theaters, where the projected image will be the execs just pointing at the audience and laughing their ass off. In 3D.

        • Domo_Konnichiwa

          They better be sexy execs, then. I ain’t gonna spend my money on just Bob Rosenberg-level execs.

          Although, Bob Rosenberg probably looks really handsome counting his donuts.

          • LelouchtheFilial

            Are you ready for your glaze?

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            As long as you use lots of decons.

      • Heinzy

        Eternal January.

        • Domo_Konnichiwa

          of the shitless kind.

      • Captain Matticus, LP Inc.

        It’ll be just like Christmas.

        Then, one day, there will be Christmas movies playing year round.

        January and February will be home to the reject Christmas movies that weren’t good enough to play in December (Santa Claus Conquers the Martian remake, anyone?).

        Then March, April, and May will be home to the rom-com Christmas movies, where Santa or some elves find love amid some wacky circumstances.

        The summer will give us the blockbuster spectacles we long for, where Santa and the elves wage war against their enemies from the South Pole.

        The Fall will give us some more comedies and a few dramatic pieces.

        And then October and November will give us the heavy dramas, where Santa has to ponder on just why he must give toys to the girls and boys. Perhaps Santa will have a tragic backstory where his brother was trampled by some reindeer when they were little boys. His father and mother will blame him and he’ll make a vow to create flying reindeer some day. After spending a few centuries with a whore on one arm and a heroin needle in the other, he’ll have some clarity and finish his ambitious dreams.

        Then December will give us an action-packed adventurous Santa. The movies will be epics that are told in annual installments that will rage on for a decade.

        And all the while, the elder folks will be complaining about how “This isn’t the Santa Claus I grew up with!!”

        I can’t wait for that day. Because when that day comes, I’ll set up and watch all of my favorite movies. Then I’ll listen to all of my favorite music. After a week-long orgy of entertainment, feasting, drinking, and pure debauchery, I’ll retire to my bedroom, put my gun in my mouth and finish myself off quickly (but not before I Dexterfy my room with tons of plastic sheeting, to contain the mess).

        And you’re all invited to my party.

        • Domo_Konnichiwa

          Will Huey Lewis and the News being playing as well? I got a sweet axe to bring to your party!

          • Captain Matticus, LP Inc.

            Hell, by that time, I’d probably be able to afford a live show by them.

          • Pa Kent Says Maybe

            A live show by who? Huey Lewis and The News? You can see them for free next time they do karaoke at your local Holiday Inn.

          • Captain Matticus, LP Inc.

            Oh…That makes me sad. They were so good, too, though not at first. Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in ’83, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically. The whole album had a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He’s been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey had a far more bitter, cynical sense of humor.

          • Pa Kent Says Maybe

            Nice. Can always appreciate a reference to one of only three Bale films I’ve ever liked.

      • Benzo

        Fuck You, It’s (Insert Year Here)!

        • TapewormBike

          I think “Life” fits in quite nicely as well.

        • Pa Kent Says Maybe

          Fuck you, it’s Pop Culture!

    • Samuel Pérez García

      Winter is coming.

  • KonradZell

    First of all, lighten up a little, man. Second, everything they said in the video was pretty accurate. Third, RLM is and always has been fundamentally a movie studio, not just a film review site.

  • ident

    RLM is not about reviewing bad movies. Your premise is false.

  • intdydx

    So, is the film industry building up to a bubble, or is this trend actually sustainable?

    • ident

      No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.

      • LelouchtheFilial

        I once bet all of my life savings that Scientology would never become a trend.
        I’m now the homeless man who occasionally scrapes at your window.

      • Pa Kent Says Maybe

        Some, like Hollywood and The Republican Party, actually bank on it.

    • Captain Matticus, LP Inc.

      I just saw an article that said that Marvel Studios has all of its movies planned out until 2028.

      2028…

      Fuck me, I wish the Mayans had been right.

      • GeneralGrievance

        I thought u were exaggerating but no, u r absolutely correct

        • Captain Matticus, LP Inc.

          I can’t make up shit like that. My mind just isn’t that evil.

      • Pa Kent Says Maybe

        Right? Fourteen years at two or three of these things per. That’s not even counting another studio spinning off Spider-Man so they can have one a year for nine straight years. And the Netflix / Marvel deal. And the constant stream of Wolverine-centric stuff. Plus Disney threatening a Star Wars movie every year. Not to mention whatever the fuck Warner Brothers is doing with Batman and Superman.

        Jesus!

        Just take me out back and put a bullet in my brain. I’m begging you.

        I even liked Captain America: Another Colon Movie, but I want it all to end. I really, really want it all to end.

    • dollar store cashier wife

      i’ll get back to that question when the new captain america makes a billion $ at the box office.

    • Alex Lee

      I call bubble. There’s only so much money they can tap out of nerds. It’s like the Western genre; it used to be the only genre, but then people got sick of it at some point and moved onto something else.

      I think the next big movie genre is Romance movies because the growing affluent demographic is the American woman.

      • Cameron Vale

        Going purely by budget size, I’m willing to bet that these Star Trek and Star Wars and Marvel movies aren’t made for any specific gender or nationality (to say nothing of such a specific audience as nerds), and consequently must draw in the American woman demographic already.

        • Alex Lee

          I’m not exactly sure what the draw is for a female audience in any of those movies besides pecs, abs, and ass. Those movies aren’t about relationships, lady parts, or female empowerment, so I think the women in those theaters are there to spend time with their boyfriends rather than actually watch the movie.

          • Cameron Vale

            People often watch movies for reasons other than their reproductive drives. I’m sure American women would enjoy, say, a Pixar animated film; I figure that these recent nerd-oriented films are the same, except with a slightly higher target age group.

  • Kaingerc

    SO MUCH ORIGINAL CONTENT!!!

  • Charon

    Teamage Mewtwo Neenjah Turdulls will definitely be the sleeper hit of the summer. The GREAT sales numbers will also coincide with the release of the only successful “franchise tie-in/spin-off” video game that will undoubtedly proceed it – Teamage Mewtwo Neenjah Turdulls Ultimo Mega Waterslide Blast, and its sequel, Ultimo Mega Crush Happy Sewer Saga.

    The movie and games will break all sales records, and the entire fucking world will explode.

    • Cy

      Pre-order “TMNT: The Michael Bay Movie: The Game” now and gain access to some truly shell-shocking extras!! Like a Solid Snake eye patch!!! And special artwork that no one cares about!!!! DLC is also on the way, like the anticipated “TMNT: Overpriced” mission pack!!!!!!!! Coming soon for PS5, XBOX -1, WiiSomething, 3DSTD, PSVimam;fehagf, and Etch-a-sketch.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    At the same time. And then give a review of each.

  • Captain Turbo

    I don’t get it, was that a Plinkett review?

  • Captain Turbo

    Me too. Except when Stallone fooled me by calling the first Rambo movie First Blood. The jerk.

  • ident

    And I don’t like Feeding Frenzy. There’s enough here for everyone.

    • Percy Gryce

      I liked the opening scene of Feeding Frenzy–the scene that was filmed later, in a different style, with a renowned horror queen and with Tina Krause.

      • Now I Get It

        Missed what you did the first time, then caught it on the second pass.

        • Percy Gryce

          Better late than never.

  • Memoman

    I feel like a dinobot remembering the times when movies weren’t made just to justify trailers and posters as bait for the audience.

    • Domo_Konnichiwa

      Oooh. Me too. Dibs on being Grimlock!

  • Cy

    I hope someone reboots the franchise about my favorite hard-boiled detective…
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4crzZzpsp0

  • LelouchtheFilial

    …And they may break them down. When they’ve seen them. We haven’t really given them a chance to do that yet.
    And, on a case-by-case basis, some of these movies may turn out to be pretty good. Mike and Jay were actually looking forward to the new X-Men movie at the end of their Wolverine review, so it’s not that they hate the very idea of the movie being made.
    It has more to do with the fact that there won’t be ANY original ideas this Summer, that ALL these movies are going to be either reboots or sequels. That’s an irritating trend and the fact that TWO Hercules movies are being released within the span of mere months is fucking nuts.

    • TapewormBike

      Yup. Hopefully some of these sequels and reboots will at least attempt something interesting. Marvel seems to be getting it. Cap 2 sounds really good and Guardians of the Galaxy (new franchise I might add) with J. Gunn at the helm won´t hopefully dissapoint either.

      • LelouchtheFilial

        I actually didn’t know James Gunn was at the helm. Wow. It’s in good hands, I guess.
        And I think X-Men will be great as long as it doesn’t take it’s “gay discrimination” angle quite so… literally. Because when you DIRECTLY compare the mutants to the gays, then there’s the implication that gay people can actually bring about the end of society with their magical powers. They can’t. The X-Men, with their destructive abilities, totally can.
        No, play up the “hated-for-being-different” angle, but just make it so that it can apply to literally anyone. THAT is something that I feel the writers need to keep in mind.

        • omitted

          “there’s the implication that gay people can actually bring about the end of society with their magical powers. They can’t.”

          Says who? You haven’t seen me bring on THE FABULOUS

          • LelouchtheFilial

            Look, I know from reading Orson Scott Card’s later writings that lesbians can queef lightning, but that doesn’t really amount to Halle Berry being able to control every element of the weather.
            Also, Orson Scott Card is full of shit.

        • Alex Lee

          Especially since the X-men were never pigeon-holed into its allegorical base. They used to be about Black people, even though there’s only one black person on the team.

          They could even allegorical of the Saudi Arabian woman if they play their cards right, so you’re totally right that they don’t need to be so specific.

        • Pa Kent Says Maybe

          Not a chance. The director and three-fifths of the cast is gay.

          Their persecution is all they think about.

      • Pa Kent Says Maybe

        Can we please stop repeating this “Marvel seems to be getting it” nonsense?

        Two good movies. Only two. IRON MAN and THE WINTER SOLDIER. Out of how many? I’ve lost count.

        The most over-praised brand since Pixar started to suck.

        • TapewormBike

          We can stop repeating this for sure. I am not a huge fan of Marvel, heck, half of the movies I have not seen out of lack of interest. All I was pointing out was that Cap 2 is acclaimed critically (sure, might mean jack shit) and that I hope GotG will be good, because I like Gunn.

  • ident

    No decimal would be safe.

  • Cy

    Please elaborate on the subject of “people with deep pockets and no idea how animation actually works,” and include one or more relevant anecdote(s).

    • ident

      And I must insist all answers be in the form of Elizabethan sonnets in strict iambic pentameter. I will allow an occasional weak ending so long as it does not distract from the purity of the whole.

      • Cy

        I agree, ident.
        But haikus are okay too.
        Refrigerator.

        • Joe Syxpac

          That certainly was a weak ending.

  • ident

    Who?

    • LelouchtheFilial

      He’s… sigh… another Youtube film critic.
      To put what kind of critic he is in perspective, when I looked him up on Youtube, two of his most recent videos are “Godzilla Trailer #1 Review” and “Godzilla Trailer #2 Review.”
      So, naturally, he’s more well-known and popular than RLM will ever be.

      • http://hardycases.com/ Hale

        I love how the term “review” no longer applies to an analysis of something, but just “guy yelling about thing he saw”.

        • Alex Lee

          Exactly

      • Boehm

        But a least RedLetterMeida has the Star Wars reviews and got complemented by Roger Ebert, which is something that Jeremy Jahns will never have

        • TapewormBike

          He does have SW reviews actually:)

          • LelouchtheFilial

            Oh, but Mr. Plinkett’s were THE Star Wars reviews.

          • TapewormBike

            I mean, look at what site we´re discussing this:)

        • LelouchtheFilial

          Roger Ebert complimented them for the one where they just outright (well, via “unrelated image”) accused him of taking a bribe.
          You know, I disagreed with Roger Ebert a LOT, but he had a great sense of humor.

      • Bort

        to give some credit he wasnt bad in the very first year he started, before he went mainstream.. haha but how many things have ya heard that same thing said about them before.. and he has mentioned rlm sw reviews.. too… so but meh…

      • Admiral Bone-to-Pick

        I have to give Jeremy Jahns some credit: in one of his Youtube reviews (the first and last I ever saw) he gave a ‘shout out’ to Red Letter Media, which is how I found my way here!

  • Boehm

    fork in the brain, fork in the brain ……..

  • http://hardycases.com/ Hale

    You thought you’d have some time to breathe after the latest Marvel movie!

    Well, NOPE! They’ve already got a trailer for the new Avengers film, coming soon!

    Be sure to catch Avengers 2: Age of Digimon, at a theatre near you!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=2hMcVAKPiX0

    • Joe Syxpac

      After seeing this I don’t feel so bad about the new Godzilla movie.

      Hell, I don’t feel bad about the Matthew Broderick one anymore.

      • Tree Rock Creations

        LOL Sometimes saying little means so much! I agree.

  • roaroar roarar

    I’m so excited for Expendables 3: Expendabler

    • Duckler

      Geriatric Cameo: The Movie

    • Booger

      Expendables 3: Somehow Worth Even Less

    • asscrackconvictedfelon

      Expendables 3: Electric Expeendaloo

  • Chris

    The point of the video wasn’t that all of these films are destined to be terrible. It was that all of these films are sequels, reboots and re-imaginings. It doesn’t create much excitement for the summer.

  • Morris

    Dat slide whistle.

    • Bob Borries

      Shouldn’t it have slid upwards in pitch?

  • Memoman

    So, how’s Jay doing with the Captain America HITB editing? Can’t wait to listen to Rich Evan’s thoughts on it.

  • GeneralGrievance

    “What would the summer be without a bunch of loud fucking noise and confusion?! That’s why we have Transformers 4 coming up!” Mike and Jay just spoiled the whole movie!

  • Jason Ross

    -46.8 out of 5.0 because your heads didn’t explode Scanners-style at the end.

  • Mister_Misinformed

    You’re talking a good critical game in this video, but when it comes time to review them on “Half in the Bag,” you’ll probably recommend 75% of them.

    • ident

      Ah, the wound of the Robocop review still stings and its bitter poison has not yet run its course. But, take heart, Colin from Canada can’t work on all of these movies.

      • LelouchtheFilial

        It could be the Robocop review, or it could be Mike’s frankly unethical recommendation of Hercules: Pre Brett Ratner.
        I’m over both of these by now.

    • AbdulAlhazred

      You know being critical of something and critiquing something aren’t the same thing?

      • ident

        What’s the difference between the two, in your mind, and how does that difference apply to the original comment?

        • Mitchell Taco Nash

          This is rather random [and long]. I just found this. I’ll have to reflect on it more [not sure if I entirely agree with it], but I’ve a feeling that RLM typically delves more into ‘critique’ than ‘criticism’, as they generally offer insight [or just guesses] as to why certain choices were made, why things work/don’t work, how they can be improved, what could be changed, etc. I think their deft blend of insight into such things as well as their dark, sardonic, deadpan, cheesy, purposely over-the-top humour is what make me so entertained by their content. Anyway, here’s what I found [and for reading this long post I'll treat everyone with an adorable image of Rich Evans in a police uniform]:

          1. Some critics suggest that “critique” is all “criticism” which is concerned to explain how and especially why the problems and limitations it identifies in its object exist as they do: i.e. to explain what gives rise to and makes possible — indeed, at times, makes necessary — the existence of these problems and limitations. Critique, in other words, does not rest content with merely announcing that it finds object X to be problematic and limited in ways Y according to standards and criteria Z, but instead always proceeds beyond this to provide an explanation for why these problems and limitations exist — and persist — as they do. Criticism, therefore, includes “critique-al” as well as many “non-critique-al” methods and practices.
          2. Other critics suggest that “critique” is roughly equivalent with what I have described above as “political criticism,” while “criticism” is roughly equivalent in turn with “moral criticism.”

          3. Still others are even more precise than this in marking out a distinction between “critique” and “criticism.” These critics suggest that “critique” is concerned primarily with understanding an object sufficiently to enable its “transformation” (and not merely its reformation) by accounting for its dynamic connections with and determinations of and by other objects within a series or totality of related objects. “Critique” attempts to understand why an object is as it is so that it can be changed, most often in a fundamental or radical way so that it will be made something substantially new and different such that the “old object” is either substantially improved and enhanced or has been substantially transcended and superseded. “Criticism,” in contrast, is understood by these critics to remain content with passing “judgment” upon an object in a way which “reifies” the object, separating and freezing it in abstract isolation from its real and concrete relations with other objects. Criticism is not directly concerned with or interested in understanding so as to change its object.

          http://www.cgpinoy.org/t4422-critique-vs-criticism-and-giving-kind-criticism-avoid-being-critical

          • ident

            Thanks. I’m aware the difference is subtle to the point of interchangeability and what distinction there may be is a matter of debate to the few who care. That was why I asked him what the difference was to him. You can’t start a really good argument until you agree on what words mean.

        • AbdulAlhazred

          The OP clearly seems to think being critical in the negative sense is directly related to a critique of the movies where they recommend them. It is possible to be critical of the endless recycling in Hollywood without hating all the movies it produces, since the value of a movie is not binary and you can like some of the output while also lamenting the lack of new ideas that could have been more interesting.
          If you need more help understanding the rather simple post, please subscribe to my newsletter and like my website “explaining things to 5 year olds”.

          • ident

            Pretty clever. You made me read all that and only revealed at the end that you’re a cunt. And we were getting along so well…

          • AbdulAlhazred

            The point about banter is the back and forth. Just insulting someone directly is so crass.

          • ident

            You would be right had there been a back and forth instead of a hostile response to an honest question. Or is that all questions are hostile to you? None of this should indicate an objection to being called crass. By the way, the question was rhetorical and so, I hope, will not leave too deep a psychological scar.

    • The King Of Space

      I’m not sure if begrudgingly saying you should maybe see a movie, if you have nothing else to do, because it at least has a semblance of plot can really be considered a “recommendation.”

      • ident

        Well, that’s what RLM called it.

  • TapewormBike

    Why would they poke fun at this or that. “Let´s yell at the camera with some basic bad looking effects” is not exactly a one in a million idea. Granted, the best execution goes to RLM.

  • Dara

    I do like 21 Jump Street.

    • WrongWithYourFace

      I want you to ask yourself: Does it need a sequel?

      • LelouchtheFilial

        NnnnnOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

      • TapewormBike

        Well, I liked Citizen Kane and would really appreciate if we could finally get the two hour shot of a grave, that they clearly teased.

        • LelouchtheFilial

          Hey! They can even get Orson Welles to reprise his role!

  • http://www.youtube.com/ac1dchr15t ac1d

    DawnOTPOTA will top them all by great heights, hopefully.

  • Tree Rock Creations

    Jay’s face and body language cracks me up. LOL It’s like he’s tripping out on something. Thumbs up you guys! You always seem to make me laugh at Hollywood’s moron movies.

    • TapewormBike

      It had been established that Jay is on crack actually :)

      • Tree Rock Creations

        I think you are a lair. :)

        • TapewormBike

          I am definitely a lair. That reminds me that the fucking dragon hasn´t payed his rent this month!

          • Tree Rock Creations

            Wow! You have a sense of humor? I wish other people on this site had one. Sometimes I think people don’t know the meaning of sarcasm.

          • WrongWithYourFace

            I don’t know what site you’ve been on. Sometimes I actually feel like the cream of the internet gathers here. At least the regulars.

          • Alex Lee

            I have to agree. No one’s really an asshole here, which is more than I can say for most message boards.

          • ident

            There’s always at least one asshole lurking in the comments. Look around you…if you don’t see the asshole then guess who you are? The guy I’m standing behind. Boo. I’m the asshole.

          • Now I Get It

            I hear you’re lookin’ for an asshole and here I is standin’ on the corner the whole time. Now why’nt you just slide on over and let Ol’ Rooster sort your gray Asian ass out for you.

            http://megalawlz.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/who-needs-a-girlfriend-funny-pictures-fat-guy.jpg

            Oh, yeah, baby, now you got somethin’ f’everyone. Mm-mm.

          • ident

            Like looking into a mirror.

          • TapewormBike

            I am flattered, but I have to side with WrongFace. If you met assholes on here, please do not venture anywhere else on the interwebs.

          • Mark Bisone

            We get invaded by dickbag battalions from time to time. But these incursions are rare and the invaders are terminated with extreme prejudice. Fighting a bunch of RLM addicts is like fighting a giant octopus who can read your mind.

          • Now I Get It

            Your comparison is fantastic, in every sense.

          • LelouchtheFilial

            “Like wrestling a giant octopus who can read your mind?”

            Well said, sir. All at once, you described the strength of RLM fans AND their obscene tentacle-porn addiction.

  • Tree Rock Creations

    When is your first movie coming out? Oh yeah, you don’t have the balls or talent to make a movie.

    • Michael Collins

      What’s wrong with your face!
      Calm the fuck down man, I was just posting in the spirit of rlm…
      move along

      • Tree Rock Creations

        Okay, I thought you were attacking them? LOL

  • Alex Lee

    There’s only an Expendables 3? I thought we were up to Expendables 937.

  • Bort

    someone needs to make a gif thing with mike just goin noo nooo nooo nooo over n over

  • Bort

    ahh man i was lookin forward to the last airbender 2 what a rip

  • crinexocorum
  • Uncle Sporkums

    News just broke that the Goonies sequel is happening. When I tried to make the point of what a bad idea it was, the nerds just piled on me. I weep for this generation.

    • ident

      Every generation does. Goonies didn’t hold up for me.

      • Uncle Sporkums

        What, the sequel or the original? I don’t mind the original myself, but I’m saying its always a bad idea to do all these reboots and sequels.

        • ident

          The original. Watched it recently. Not as good as it was when I was 10.

          • Uncle Sporkums

            Whatever.

          • Mark Bisone

            So, what you’re saying is, “Goonies R’N’T good enough for me”?

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxLhytQ67fs

          • Percy Gryce

            Ah, the ’80s.

          • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

            Reagan, cocaine, free market neoliberalism … oh wait, I’m getting hard.

      • Thanatos2k

        The Truffle Shuffle didn’t hold up? What the hell?

  • playdude92 .

    Summer Movie Round Up, Execution and Desert Burial.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I saw Jay make this face and I couldn’t NOT make this GIF.

    Warning: May cause perma-boner.

    http://i.minus.com/ibmbGUaxBbB1Xa.gif

    • TapewormBike

      uh ughhhh!

    • WrongWithYourFace

      Good thing Mike’s doing most of the talking because Jay’s expressions are hilarious. I mean, just look at him!

    • Stannis the Menace

      Ah, Jay’s famous O-face. Or, as he calls it, Duh-face.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    So do you fawlks think they’ll be playing Summer-Movie-Catch-Up-Now this time around?

  • Andrew

    So when are you guys finally going to get around to making Feeding Frenzy 2?

  • Wildo

    Wait is that true about turtles not being screened? If so, that’s ridiculous.

    • Mijk

      Yes, it’s true that it’s absolutely ridiculous.

      • jaymanxyz2

        It is just recockulous.

  • Alex Lee

    It looks like Days of Future Past and Dawn of the Planet of the Apes will be considered good and it’s because of the actors involved.

    • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

      As long as they get Troy McClure for the Charleton Heston role.

      • Captain Matticus, LP Inc.

        It was the part he was born to play, baby!

    • Tree Rock Creations

      All I can say about that is, “CABLE BETTER BE IN IT!”

      • sepiajack

        I don’t think Cable is in it, but they are developing both X-men Apocalypse as a sequel + an Xforce movie, so chances are good cable will show up soon.

        Who should play him? Sean Bean?

        • Tree Rock Creations

          Sean Bean? Are you kidding? Are you wanting Cable to die? LOL

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Gawd! Why are so many sheeple hyped for that movie? It looks every bit as bad as GREEN LANTERN.

    • Cameron Vale

      It’s directed by James Gunn?

      • Pa Kent Says Maybe

        Please hold, while I IMDb.
        I don’t have any idea who James Gunn is. I thought he was the tranny in SILENCE OF THE LAMBS.

        • SirSullymore

          I admit, the only films of his I’ve seen are Slither and Super. I thought one was fun and the other really great.

    • SirSullymore

      James Gunn’s previous flicks were good as were the Abnett and Lanning Gotg comics, at least imo. I’m just happy I get to see Star-Lord in a movie.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    And that’s how i feel about Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.

    I think the world is big enough for both of us.

  • ThomasHFoolery
    • Cy

      There really is no movie I’m dreading more than the new Star Wars… especially after seeing Star Trek: Into Darkness. I have no faith in J.J. Abrams’ creative decisions.

      • Alex Lee

        I think, if there are any flaws, it’ll probably in weird editing decisions, like the ship rising out of the ocean at the beginning of the film, or the omission of that scene where Scotty bullshits his way through air traffic control. I think it’ll just be in small details that most people wouldn’t notice.

        Overall, I don’t think it’ll be a terrible movie. It’ll probably fail to live up to A New Hope but that’s not really an issue.

        • Cy

          I’m too drunk to make much sense, but I’ll touch my briefs on this.

          I don’t give a shit about flaws. Give me all the flaws you got, I can take it. What I need is heart. Heart. Star Trek was crappy and campy and lame, but god damn, it had heart. It was about things that mattered. Moral dilemmas that are relevant whether you’re here in our time or in the future in space. Kirk over-acted, but he had the heart of an explorer, excited to reach out to the horizon. Picard had balls, courage to challenge the god-like Q with all the gusto he could muster, delivering his speeches like a Shakespearean actor. Lame, some might say… but it mattered. It mattered in my soul to hear it, to watch it. Something resonated with me. I could feel the passion for exploration, for discovery. The writers’ fascination with technology was palpable, not a joke like Into Darkness’ cold fusion device (it’s COLD get it? hurr). Star Trek used to matter, somewhere deep down. Deep down where we used to dream, as children, as human beings. How much longer do we have to make excuses for mediocre entertainment? How many Hollywood movies does it take to kill our dreams?

          If I’m an idiot for not liking what you like, the so be it. I’ll be an idiot until the day I die. From alcohol poisoning…

          • ident

            I didn’t mind Star Trek 2009. I saw it as a riff on Star Trek or like a “what if?” story. “What if we took Star Trek and made it into a Baysian blockbuster?” Ok, haha, guys. That was kind of fun, but how about some real Star Trek now? “What if we take Wrath of Khan and turn it into a Baysian blockbuster?” Oh…this isn’t good. This is a pattern. No Star Trek on TV and some assholes in suits have taken its corpse, dressed it in bright colors and lens flares, and are pulling it around on strings Weekend at Bernies style. “Look, it’s Star Trek! See, it has phasers and warp engines/beer fermenters and Spock has all the emotional control of a teenage girl!” Just put it in the fucking ground already, it starting to stink.

          • Dixon Bawls

            Galaxy Quest had more “Star Trek” in it than the Abrams Treks.

          • Tree Rock Creations

            Absolutely correct sir!

          • bb-15

            - Star Trek 2009 was a decent alternate reality / universe story line. That kind of thing has been done before in Trek.
            - But Into Darkness had the terrible idea of jamming in the Wrath of Khan plot where it did not belong.
            And that is the fault of Lindelof who made one dumb writing decision after another (as his commentary for the film shows).

          • LelouchtheFilial

            I guess we should be grateful to Lindelof for helping to propel RLM’s fame, but MAN! He just doesn’t give a shit about anything he writes.

          • Alex Lee

            It was just Lindeof, not the other two? Cause I got the feeling that all three writers didn’t hold conferences and just did whatever.

          • bb-15

            @ Alan; Roberto Orci is the Trek expert among that creative team. And the story that he (and Kurtzman wrote) did not have Khan in it.
            Then the studio brought in Lindelof to boost box office appeal. Lindelof came in with the Khan idea. He took responsibility for it in the commentary in the film.
            Orci got overruled by Lindelof.

          • Alex Lee

            I have a feeling that Lindeof wrote the whole 3rd act of that movie, largely because it doesn’t seem to sync up with the rest of the movie on any level.

          • bb-15

            @ Alex; that is pretty much what happened. As the movie goes along Lindelof slowly takes over the story until the Kirk death scene where

          • Tree Rock Creations

            I hated Star Trek 2009 then, and I hate it now. Why? Lens flares, shaky cam, quick cuts, poor acting, poor script, and again, poor directing.

            Plus, changing the Kirk, Spock, and McCoy trio into a Kirk, Spock, and Uhura trio really annoys me! Give me more McCoy and sit Uhura back down in her DAMN CHAIR WHERE SHE BELONGS!

            And, give me another smart script like the original Star Trek II: The Wrath of KHAAAAAANNNNN!

          • LelouchtheFilial

            Eh, the lens flare argument is low-hanging fruit.
            Actually, I didn’t really mind it or notice it (but my brain did) until everyone on the internet started bitching about it.
            And God forbid Uhura playing a more active role. Yeah, it wasn’t executed the best way, but, c’mon– “sit her in her chair WHERE SHE BELONGS?”
            That’s the disgruntled Star Trek fanboy equivalent of “get back in the kitchen.”
            Having the background characters play a more active role could have been an area in which the new movies IMPROVED upon the original series… and they sort of squandered that opportunity by boiling them down to simplistic cartoon characters.

          • Tree Rock Creations

            So you like the Uhura, gotta have a boyfriend, character. Really? You like the gripping black lady that whines and complains about her man? Haven’t we have enough of this reality Bachelor and Bachelorette crap? I want fantasy damn it!

            Also, if Uhura was a professional, she’d keep her relationship from interfering with missions so that she can focus on them instead of acting like a prostitute.

            The same goes for Captain Kirk. At least the “original” Captain Kirk only seduced women to save his crew or ship. The “new” Captain Kirk is just a jerk and sex addict.

          • LelouchtheFilial

            “So you like the Uhura, gotta have a boyfriend, character.”
            Nnnnno. I was disagreeing with your statement that she needs to completely remain on the sidelines. I SAID her character development wasn’t executed in the best way.
            “I want fantasy damn it!”
            Yeah, okay, fantasy is good.
            “I can only accept so much fantasy.”
            …Wait… huh?

          • Tree Rock Creations

            Okay, you made me laugh. You win.

          • ident

            Uhura-Spock thing was a problem for me, too. As her instructor, their relationship was, at the very least, unethical and more than likely a violation of regulations. That they were clearly hiding the relationship only emphasizes its illicit nature and is about as un-Vulcan as you can get without crying tears of rage and yelling “Khan!” at no one.

          • ident

            I remember sitting in the theater and briefly thinking, “Oh, the lighting people screwed up on that shot…and that one…oh…oh my.” Then the full horror of it overcame me.

          • LelouchtheFilial

            Okay, the lens flares did bother me a little. Probably not as much as some, but some of those instances were rather glaring. (Which is, I suppose, the point of lens flares. But WHY?)
            That scene where Kirk was running through the Enterprise to warn everyone they were heading into a trap was especially irritating with the flashes. I almost instinctively said, “Wait, I blinked,” because it felt like someone was taking my picture or something.

          • ident

            Hence the adjective Baysian. I don’t own Star Trek, I’ll never watch it again, but it was amusing to see Kirk and Spock perverted into caricatures and go off on an absurd fantasy adventure. Once. It may also be important to an understanding of my opinion that I was never a fan of the original series and so that may have allowed me to be more forgiving. If someone tried turning Picard into an action hero joke I’d…oh.

        • ident

          Really? Disney is rushing a Star Wars movie to theaters so it can earn back some of those billions and you think the only flaws it will have will be in the “small details that most people wouldn’t notice”? Just looking at the history of Star Wars movies there is 66% chance of this being shit. The addition of JJ Abrams just means it will be shit with lens flares, over the top characterization, and massive plot holes.

          • Alex Lee

            JJ Abrams-”an effective director,” if uninspired-v. George Lucas, the M. Night Shamalyan of his generation, so I think we’re fine in terms of action.

            Now for the difference between Into Darkness v. Star Wars. Abrams has never liked Star Trek, ever, presumably on every level, given how on The Daily Show, he said it was “too philosophical.” As a result, he clearly delegated it to the Transformers writers and hoped that Lindeof would check some of the dumbness of the story, but failing to designate a head writer to align the writers into a single, cohesive story.

            For Episode VII, he is actively writing the script and working with Lawrence Kasdan, so he’s 1) Actually interested in the project and 2) Is working with a fairly competent writer. So I’m fairly sure that the movie will not be the cascading disaster the Prequel Trilogy is.

          • ident

            I will agree that, set side by side, the next Star Wars will be objectively better than the prequels in every way.

          • Alex Lee

            “It’s like screwing up mashed potatoes. You boil the water, you pour the packet-”

            Harry S. Plinkett.

          • Tree Rock Creations

            I don’t know. I don’t have any faith in Hollywood studios since intelligence has vanished.

      • KonradZell

        I’m still trying to figure out the praise that Abrams gets.

  • Cameron Vale
  • Chinoiserie

    I do get your point but I wish instead of complaining you would focus on being exited by the original movies that are coming out like Neighbors, A Million Dollar Arm, A Million Ways Die in the West, Edge of Tomorrow, The Fault In Our Stars, Jersey Boys, Tammy, Jupiter Ascending, Get On Up, Guardians of the Galaxy, The Hundred-Foot Journey, Lucy, If I Stay, Jane Got A Gun etc. that are also coming out in summer and look pretty good.

    Hollywood keeps making more sequels and remakes because they make more money than originals. And they make more money than originals because they have more brand recognition. People keep talking abut the sequels and do not even notice the other movies coming out. I used to be angry with sequels too, but you know, you really do not have to watch them. I really can not blame Hollywood for making sequels if that is what people wish to see, and they apparently do since they make the most money. The tentpoles studios make get them money to take risks and fund more artsy films. What we can complain about its if the movies they make are not any good.

    • Dixon Bawls

      Oh sure, “instead of complaining,” just say nice things about everything.

      Hey, Jon Stewart, Bill Maher, why not focus on the good things about politics? Hey, Monty Python, SNL, Mr. Show, you’re focusing too much on the negative aspects of society! Hey, George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Dave Chappelle, why don’t you be more like Jerry Seinfeld and Larry the Cable Guy? Scathing social satire hurts my feelings!!!!

      fuckin idiot.

      • LelouchtheFilial

        Ohhhhhh, I wouldn’t put Seinfeld on Larry the Cable Guy’s level.

        • Dixon Bawls

          I may have gone too far in a few places…

          • LelouchtheFilial

            “You go from… lamenting the loss of George Carlin to saying that Jerry Seinfeld is like Larry the Cable Guy.”

            (Dixon Bawls’s editor attempts to explain pacing to Dixon Bawls… but he realizes that he isn’t getting anywhere and just gives up.)
            No, but seriously, you were right. The original/unoriginal ratio is waaaaaaaaay off, and we shouldn’t just accept it while this level of hackery plagues the industry.

    • LelouchtheFilial

      Oh, dear. I forgot about “A Million Ways to Die in the West.”

      I mean… that’s only about as “original” as a Seth MacFarlane production CAN be.
      And isn’t “The Fault in Our Stars” based on a book by John Green? THAT’S not original, either.

      • Domo_Konnichiwa

        The Fault In Our Stars doesn’t look very promising, either. I’ve read the book and liked it quite a bit, but there’s a lot of online trepidation about the adaptation. It’ll probably do very well because of a large YA fan base, but I don’t think It will be good.

    • Mark Bisone

      Waitaminute… Isn’t “Jersey Boys” just a film version of the Broadway musical?

      Of course, that’s not as bad as what happened with “Hairspray”: an art film that was turned into a Broadway musical, which was then turned into a big studio film starring John Travolta. If someone went ahead and made a sequel to that, and then turned the sequel into a Broadway musical it would be like staring into a tesseract of hackfraudery.

    • http://hardycases.com/ Hale

      Guardians of the Galaxy is based on a comic. I mean…come on, it’s not as obscure as Cowboys and Aliens or Men in Black either.

      • Mark Bisone

        Just discoverd that “Edge of Tomorrow” is also based on a comic book. Not so terrible, I suppose. I don’t know jack-crap about comic books, and wouldn’t have known this was one, either. And it isn’t, from what I can tell, a superhero story… so there’s at least that.

        The practice of Hollywood adapting books into films has been around forever, and doesn’t really bug me. The rampant cannibalization and dumbing down of old, great original films does. Watching a remade film is not like watching a new production of a play – it’s more like digging up a time capsule and finding someone else’s shit there, with a note that reads “Fuck you”, or opening an old photo album to find that the part of your dear, departed parents will now be played by Mark Wahlberg and Ke$ha.

        And it’s confusing for the new generation, who are likely to experience the inferior copycat film before they see the source (if they even see it at all). Their nostalgia will be chained to pure dogshit, through no fault of their own, and they’ll be trained to think that being a mindless copycat or thief is superior to hard work, originality, innovation and creativity. That’s a problem in every generation, but what’s happening in film right now is basically hammering their brains flat with this message.

        Now, I hate children was much as the next guy, but the truth is we’ll have to live with these little assholes! They’ll be running shit in a decade or two, and their foundation benchmark for success will be pukefests like Transformers 19 and The Incomparable Spiderman build 4.01b.

        • Now I Get It

          The greatest document I’ve ever seen illustrating this loss of knowledge, speaking of plays, is Wallace Shawn’s “The Designated Mourner”, which Shawn adapted into a film in 1996, with Mike Nichols voicing over the opening as JACK, the last person on earth who remembers that which is worth remembering . . .

          “The designated mourner. I am the designated mourner. I have to tell you that a very special, little world has died, and I am the designated mourner. Oh yes, you see, it’s an important custom in many groups and tribes. Someone is assigned to grieve, to wail, and light the public ritual fire. Someone is assigned when there is no one else.”

          The story is too elliptical to be well-made in the technical sense, yet it’s my absolute favourite play, probably the play of our age, and for sure the creepiest thing, bar none, that I’ve ever seen on film.

          • Mark Bisone

            Good one.

            I guess my thoughts turn more towards Bradbury and Orwell, to Lindelof-ian firemen and wars with Eastasia. What’s happening to film isn’t exactly “totalitarian”. It does have the creepy vibe of a one-sided conversation, crafted by an unassailable committee on an island shaped like a skull. But it’s also got a hilariously absurd Terry Gilliam vibe to it.

            For instance, the post-production hijinks of the “Red Dawn” remake, where they re-shot and re-edited the film to change all the Chinese soldiers into Norks. When I read about that, I immediately thought of the next innovation: shoot the Red Dawn Re-Re-Make, and have all the soldiers wear green-screen uniforms and carry green-screen flags. That way, the distributors can just customize the villain du jour to the needs of their local market! It would even be update-able, in case a selected antagonist gets wiped off the map in a nuclear exchange or something.

          • Now I Get It

            Yeah, it’s bad but it’s not that bad; it’s not totalitarian. But if ever I foresee a materially bad turn, say, the customising of villains – brilliant, btw! – I cannot find it hilarious.

            It’s like with religion: the time to oppose religion is after it seizes political power and vilifies the findings of science and art, which the religionists could not have discovered and would be disinclined to restore to working order after making them immoral and illegal.

            Similarly, today’s movie studios tell stories in defiance of the well-made play’s first principles, and once that knowledge is lost, not even by criminal law but just by civil custom, no one in charge today could bring it back, even if they wanted to.

            But, then, there’s the promise of our internet age: that knowledge and the inclination to originality persists within people who aren’t in charge.

            And, so, as long as I can foresee a materially good change, e.g., RLM’s next turning point – just don’t ask me what or when that might be – I’m content to come here, fuck around, and indulge all manner of absurdity, not even sweating “When’s the next Plinkett?” as I know that the next good turn will come eventually – this, even though my first inclination is, as in most things, to be serious.

          • Mark Bisone

            Sure. The time to oppose *any* institution is when it seizes and centralizes power, and starts vilifying every other kind. Even poor Jorge knew this timeless, anti-authoritarian truth — once upon a time, in a galaxy far away.

            As for the rest, I believe “Tears For Fears” had the best answer, and that the weapons are closer to hand than most of us think.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avU60yqCD00

    • ident

      I’m very exited about all those movies. So exited, in fact, I won’t even enter.

    • ident

      It’s not that sequels make more money than originals, they most often do not. It’s that they are almost always a reliable bet in a chaotic business. If you have $50M, are you going to invest it into the new property with no proven audience, or the old property that has a built in audience and name recognition? In a business where one bad movie can bankrupt a studio or end dozens of careers, you take the sure bets where you can.

  • Guest

  • Aurini

    I liked, commented, and subscribed! YOLO LOL! Gotta have dat swag!

    • http://nathanhawks.us/ Nathan Hawks

      In text, no-one can hear your sarcasm.

  • Martin the Warrior

    Heh heh heh. Good. Use your aggressive feelings, boys. Let the hate flow through you.

    • Alex Lee

      “Gives you focus.”

      • LelouchtheFilial

        Hollywood will pay for its lack of VISION.

        • ident

          I think you mean “earn”. We’ll pay.

          • LelouchtheFilial

            There won’t even be a ‘Force’ involved, We’ll go to the theaters willingly.

          • ident

            Well, not until the Hollywood Protection Act passes anyway.

          • LelouchtheFilial

            “Use this ET doll. Show us with your glowing finger where Hollywood touched you.”

  • Fred Frink

    The matrix trilogy sucked. Well the first was pretty good but there’s no other movie that’s as overrated. 2nd and 3rd are poison.
    V for Vendetta was shit. Speed Racer? Cloud Atlas was a slog to watch -true true fru fru.
    If it’s like the rest it’ll be uranus rising.

    • Tree Rock Creations

      Yep…I hate most Michael Bay movies. The only movie I liked of his was the Island. I said…liked. His camera work still sucked in that movie but the actors held me to my seat.

  • Big Mclargehuge

    When’s the next Plinkett sequel coming out?

  • Mark Bisone

    I’ve been drinking: Since this could very well be the start of another long content drought, maybe we should start a contest where we predict what Hollywood might ruin next, via sequel, prequel, remake, reboot, re-imagining or otherwise vandalizing an older work of art.

    And, hey, maybe I just started it?

    • Dixon Bawls

      I’ve always though of Unforgiven as a spiritual sequel to The Outlaw Josey Wales. In fact, I’ve watched them back-to-back and pretended that Josey just changed his name to William Munny, settled down, and started a family.
      If Hollywood simply cannot be original, they could at least be a little more creative. There’s a difference between drawing a nude model from life and tracing from a Playboy magazine. Both are technically “copying.” But dammit, Hollywood is TRACING PLAYBOY MAGAZINES!

    • Percy Gryce

      Hollywood has already done GOTW sequels and other Oz stories. There have even been parasitical versions of Casablanca.

      We Barsoomian fans finally got John Carter, but it largely sucked. But how about some new Flash Gordon or Buck Rogers. Those properties haven’t been remade in more than 20 years.

      • Mark Bisone

        Okay, I give. Wtf is “GOTW”?

        Rebooting Flash Gordon is a distinct possibility, I agree. It’ll be a dark, gritty reboot though; instead of a football player he’ll be a CIA assassin, or a Navy SEAL assassin, or a rebel assassin in a war against Ayn Rand’s cyber-ghost and her T-PRT allies, fighting to free the 99% from the tyranny of having to make their own decisions.

        And no matter what, Flash will be wearing a darker version of his costume, and it’ll have that webbing all over it.

        It’s gonna be great.

        • Percy Gryce

          Sorry, should have been GWTW. I had another surgery on Monday and am still on f’cking drugs.

          • Mark Bisone

            Ah, OK. Feel better, man.

          • Percy Gryce

            Thanks. I’m actually feeling a lot better, having shed a ton of kidney stones.

            Getting back to work is proving difficult. Why can’t I have a job like Mike & Jay’s?

          • Charon

            Hahahaha…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    • Percy Gryce

      Deliverance 2: The Squealquel.

      Too soon?

      • asscrackconvictedfelon

        D3liv3ranc3: 2Special 2Deliver

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Of course Hollywood is giving us a bunch of sequels, reboots, prequels, remakes, re-tellings, retreads, etc. You know why?

    ‘Cause THEY DON’T FUCKING CARE!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBP0c7OAhvE

    • sepiajack

      Well as Rich Evans so aptly pointed out last year…

      • http://nathanhawks.us/ Nathan Hawks

        Because OF COURSE Rich Evans speaks in Comic Sans.

        • sepiajack

          Haha good catch NH! I specifically always use comic sans when making these because of the Amazing Bulk Best of the Worst!

    • Andrew St. Clair

      What’s worse is that the audience doesn’t fucking care either. Hence, why so many Batman movies exist, or why Quentin Tarantino’s still making movies.

      • Lijielong

        What’s so bad about QT movies? I can always count on the man to deliver an entertaining movie.

  • LelouchtheFilial

    I’m saying that you can’t really call ‘Fault in our Stars’ ORIGINAL. I no problems with adapting books– I’m just saying it’s not THAT far removed from the exploitations of pre-established stories that Mike and Jay are talking about in this video.

  • Wildo

    aaah.. gotcha. thanks.

  • Andrew St. Clair

    That’s because it’s done by those idiots that made the Matrix movies, and those movies fucking sucked and the only people who liked them are idiots.

  • Tree Rock Creations

    So…you came to your senses?

  • Tree Rock Creations

    Next thing you know, Hollywood will want to reboot Battlestar Galatica?

    • Alex Lee

      Didn’t they already do that? And it turned out to be a huge success?

      • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

        Not with a Battlestar Galactica movie, but they are now. And guess who is the main writer? “Transcendence” writer Jack Paglen has signed on to write the screenplay, and he has also committed to Ridley Scott’s “Prometheus” sequel for Fox that will start production this fall.

        Source:

        http://variety.com/2014/film/news/battlestar-galactica-movie-gets-new-life-at-universal-exclusive-1201153687/

        • Alex Lee

          I just don’t see how a story about the last surviving people fighting a war against robots (or lizards depending on which version) can have an end to it, at least, one that can come about in 2 hours (cause I have a feeling it’s going to go over the 90 minute mark).

          • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

            I agree. I don’t believe it could end unless either all humans or the cylons were killed. And we really don’t want to see any of those endings.

  • Old Ben

    The only remake I want to see is The Burbs staring:
    Mike as Ray Peaterson
    Jessi as Carol Peaterson
    Rich Evans as Art
    Wizard as Lt. Rumsfield
    The ghost girl as Mrs. Rumsfield
    The asshole hipster as Ricky the next door neighbor
    Jack as Dr. Klopek
    Rich Evans as Plinkett as Walter
    Jay to direct and play Hans Klopek

  • stryker1121

    Why is nobody mentioning the Leprechaun reboot, starring WWE Superstar™ “Hornswaggle?”

  • Mike Jakermen

    Talking about the expendables. I wonder how old Schwarzenegger and Stallone will before they stop making action movies. I can just imagine them in their 90′s in walkers while a big explosion takes place behind them.

    • Pissernacht

      I don’t know why, but that sounds fucking awesome! It could be called “Geriatric Commandos” and would feature gratuitous “youth abuse” wherein pie-faced young men get their shit ruined by an enemy that only the “Old Ass Bastard Corps” can stop!

      …I just pulled that out of my ass! See, Hollywood? New ideas aren’t that hard! I should get paid for this, doing their damn jobs for ‘em…

  • Captain Sheryl Crow

    I’d be okay with a reboot to the classic Baby’s Day Out saga.

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  • Kyle

    I’m pretty sure Mike said Platinum Dooms instead of Dunes.

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