Check it out! This summer is going to be off the hook with all the new movies coming out! Jay and Mike recap what Hollywood has to offer this summer! OMFG!
Filed in: General Updates • Half in the Bag
I’m beginning to suspect that Hollywood might be out of ideas.
Hollywood has never had any ideas, go back as far as you want, movies have always been about legends, literature or whatever. They couldn’t do remakes before because there was nothing to remake.
I don’t think so cynical. Okay on some level all stories are inspired by
another story but that’s because at the very beginning of time three guys told three stories and everyone’s has been ripping them off ever since. What you’ve never heard the story of the three cavemen? Well I shall tell you.
At the dawn of time three cavemen sat around the fire roasting a large fish. The first cavemen who had caught the fish himself decided to tell the others how he had done it. So as they ate he told the story and thus nonfiction was born. The other two cavemen sat and listened and were inspired by the story that they too could achieve great feats. However the second cavemen was jealous of the first so he decided he would lie and tell a story about a bigger fish that he almost caught and thus fiction was born. The two cavemen sat and listened and although they didn’t believe the story it captured their imagination of the what if and they enjoy hearing it. The third cavemen did not want to be left out but was aware that he couldn’t tell even a bigger fish story. So he sat and thought for a moment and came up with a story of his own. He told them how he caught something large in his net and how he had struggled to pull it out of the water. When he did he found it to be a beautiful woman with breasts as large as their heads. Thus erotica was born the genre that nobody believes but everybody desperately wish was true.
i wasn’t really looking at it in a cynical way, Hollywood is a business, they often made money by name recognition, whether is be stories from the bible or a popular movie made 20 years ago.
That’s a funny story.
Yeah I’ve been trying to polish it.
…You assholes redeemed yourselves.
Have they sinned? I’ve always assumed that Milwaukee was the Garden of Eden, the terrestrial paradise, preserved from the taint of corruption–and that Mike & Jay were unfallen man in the state of nature as God intended.
Was your comment funny? N..
If you’re going to call me the N-word, you really ought to commit and go the whole way.
Agreed. I’m sick to death of all this “Only Norwegians can say ‘Norwegian’” crap!
Faen, der er jeg enig. Jævla rasister ass…
Ta åsså hold kjæften på deg!
Did you just advise me to buy stock in a major telecommunications company? In this market?
Norweegie gots to keep his portfolio phat wit da precious metals for the time briz-eing, yo. You feel me, Norgy?
Invest in oil, that’s my advice
I think he told you to pull your pants back up around your waist because it’s freezing in Norway.
It’s pronounced No’wigga, you fake.
That’s exactly the ballsy linguistic attitude I’d expect from someone who’s into preserving the corruption of taints.
Hey, if I was willing to have my mythopoeic musings about RLM–structured around a hypothetical subversion of classical soteriology–be mistaken for an unfunny comment, then I’m surely ballsy enough to go full Randall Kennedy.
But you’re right. I was asking myself: Can I joke about the Garden of Eden and original sin? And I kept answering myself: Too soon?
Oh, you RLM rascals and your sociopolitical analyses of provocative postmodern shibboleths. When will you learn to stop and smell the cake farts once in a while?
That’s still the only link I haven’t followed on the Interweb.
Well, that and the one with the picture of the guy with three balls.
You’re missing out on the balls thing. It took my photog seven hours to get the lighting right, but the results were stunning.
Well, now I just feel like a lexicological dwarf, but, yes – Jeebus Tapdancing Calliope! – won’t somebody please think of the children (of creation)?!
Yea, only now, with the settling of Man’s yawpish dust, have I learned, through byzantine backchannels available only to Dingus’ premium users and from shavo himself, that he remained uncommitted because, in his Scepticism, he could not decide which N-word – Nob, Nerd, Narc, Nancy, Nincompoop, or Ne’erdowell – to grace you with.
So, the whole thing was, mishap, just a modest misunderstanding, a case of the pot calling the kettle bejsh.
Mart Crowley: -1
I like how you’re keeping a running tally.
That’s commitment to a bit.
That’s right. I rob now.
Moe Szyslak: 0
Drew Barrymore’s career whyyyyyyyyyy
That is my question.
She should have quit after E.T.
She tried. The paramedics arrived too soon.
A shame really.
She would have made a beautiful corpse.
The April Fools video was funny enough, this is just gravy.
I think you mean saucy
Is Space Cop coming out this summer?
If it does, then Space Cop really WILL be Space Jesus.
It’ll be a miracle.
Space Cop was conceived by midichlorians?
I thought he was conceived in the backseat of a DeLorean.
The DeLorean doesn’t have a back-
Remember Space Cop is the reboot of an original RLM fake trailer. So if it does come out this summer, it’ll fit right in.
THERE’S ALWAYS TIME FOR MONKEY BUSINESS!!!!
Jupiter Ascending is an original action block buster coming out in July!
That’s the perfect time for original films to be released, just ask Pacific Rim!
Pacific Rim at least doubled its budget with its worldwide totals.
And as for Jupiter Ascending, it’s a lame take on Cinderella. It isn’t not going to flop for its release date. It’s the message and lame casting/story. All you maxim cover girls out there cleaning toilets just keep hanging on…someday an ex-exotic dancer come space marine will come and take you away to an adventure beyond your wildest dreams. Citizen Kane eat your heart out!
“sans”? I think you mean “cum.”
Eh, I’m still looking forward to it. I’m a fan of the pulp space opera aesthetic the Wachowskis seem to be going with.
You lost me at Wachowskis.
The brother or the sister?
That’s not an acceptable answer Mitchell Taco Nash!
I’m sorry, but that’s all I’ve got dollar store cashier wife!
Yay! I’ve moved up in the world.
Which one was responsible for Speed Racer?
Ah, so you agree with me. Pulp space opera aesthetic. Hasn’t been original since, um, 1970-something. In fact, it wasn’t even original then.
They just need some names for next summer to put a ’2′ at the end of. It’s called planning.
I don’t think a mash-up of Star Wars and Lord of the Rings tropes should truly count as “original” just because the title doesn’t have a number in it.
Those movies seem so familiar! Hmm? Nope! I’m gonna see them all and then I’m gonna stuff my fat fucking face with Chunky’s Chicken! Ha Ha Ha!
They should replace all actors with, it’d be great! All legends of cinema could live forever thanks to lifeless CGI!
PS.: Of this list, I’m legitimately looking forward to How to Train Your Dragon 2 and Dawn of the Planet of the Apes… f*ck everything else though.
The Videos already over? NOOO
Video already over? NO
Fuck you it’s Ja- … Oh.
Fuck you it’s Jay!
Confirmed for fuck!
They should replace all actors with CGI, it’d be great! All legends of cinema could live forever!
yeah right, like that’s not happening for real in the future
What movies? All I see are pointless products sold to the lowest common denominator viewer.
The ten most successful movies of 2013 were
- Seven Sequels / Prequels
- One Reboot
- Two original movies (if you count Frozen, which is technically based on an established property)
So it’s really not surprising that almost all big movies are sequels.
I still can’t believe FROZEN is the biggest animated movie of all time.
Well, it isn’t, actually. I guarantee more people have seen both SNOW WHITE and THE JUNGLE BOOK.
But, you know what I mean.
I wonder how long this can go on for. At what point will Hollywood simply run out of things to remake?
There’re still card games and breakfast cereals to mine.
“Solitaire” starring Dwayne Johnson, Morgan Freeman, Hugh Jackman, Benedict Cumberpatch, Mark Wahlberg, Denzel Washington, Jennifer Lawrence, Nicole Kidman, Vin Diesel, Patrick Stewart, Ving Rhames, George Clooney, Sigourney Weaver, Bill Murray, Ryan Reynolds…..
…Directed by Wes Anderson
I’d spend hours watching that when I’m supposed to be doing work.
I’d actually like to see a reboot of each Star Wars prequel. Give the material to a talented filmmaker and they could make for some great films!
Even the most talented directors can’t make an unnecessary movie worth watching, and prequels (with rare exceptions) are basically unnecessary by default.
Especially when they try to give a overblown backstory to an established character. Space Jesus anyone?
Saw him this morning when getting groceries. Whatcha need?
And coupons…don’t forget coupons!!!
Worth it for the toes shot
Wow, I missed the whole Mr. Show phenomenon. It seems like everyone involved went on to big things
But wouldn’t Hollywood eventually run out of those and be forced to base their movies on even stranger things, like random ideas that were simply made up by someone?
So crazy, it just might work.
Don’t forget “Snuggies – The Movie”!!!
Never! They can always do a sequel to a remake, and then reboot again to make it like the original ad nauseum. Maybe use a black person as the lead instead so that they can get the urban market. That gives the movies edge, you see. That’s what Hollywood tells me, anyway…
You’re absolutely right. The realization of this fact has burnt out my higher mental functions, thus reducing me to a mongoloid who is amused by Michael Bay films and only speaks in expletives.
Fuck. Shit. Cunt. Ass. Piss. Fuck.
I think you need to take part in the Fucking Swear Word Bracket.
Is this the thing where Warren Buffett gives me a billion dollars?
No. You give Warren Buffett a billion dollars. Both options are mathematically impossible, anyway.
They’re even making movies out of documentaries. The Rape of Europa became The Monuments Men.
Of course, even an auteur can do that–as Werner Herzog did when he turned his documentary Little Dieter Needs to Fly (1997) into a fictionalized movie Rescue Dawn (2006), starring the Dark Knight.
Jesus… so, in the end, it’s HOLLYWOOD who performed the most sadistic April Fools’ day prank.
That’ll last the rest of Spring and then Summer.
They just. don’t. fucking. care.
WOW! Mike’s “NOOOOOO!” was enough to rival Darth Vader’s!
Hey, have you guys seen Revenge of the Sith? FANTASTIC movie!
Shout-out to my niggas at Lucasfilm!
Black people don’t like Star Wars very much…
You mean the urban market?
Slavery is a thing of the past, sir.
Man you guys are hilarious. The summer is basically just reserved for shit now, i thought of interstellar and then realised that’s a November release so seems like even they want to avoid the crappy summer now.
Oh man I can’t wait to go to the cinema and get sneezed on, have my sit kicked and just generally be exposed to just about every possible grotesquely egocentric behavior in order to be delighted by these high cost, earnest, artistic productions!
Hollywood please take my money!
Well, at least you’re not in the US. We shoot people here during the previews.
I can’t wait for the scene in F&F7 when Paul Walker goes back to his home world.
You mean purgatory?
We’ve been waiting for the blank screen/white noise for two weeks now, you HACKS!
I think that was the best 3 minutes of my life. It was even better than things I’ve never tried!
All that shit and not even a hint at a Careboars 2. RLM really has sold out.
Or failed to sell out, depending on how you look at it.
Nothing worse than a failed sell-out.
And RLM are the worst.
Have you seen the originals? Congratulations, then you’ve seen all movies that are coming out this summer.
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes looks nothing like the previous one and also seems to tackle different themes.
But yeah, you’re 99% right though.
So it’s going to suck?
it’s weird seeing these hacks so excited
They’re leaning more on their fraud tendencies in this so-called “Summer movie ho-down.”
cause they dont fucking care! … are you fucking following me
Not soon enough, that’s for damn sure!
Yeah I guess I wont be going to the theaters this year. At all.
You forgot to include Kevin Bacon
I can no longer tell satire from reality…somebody help me! My brain is collapsing in on itself! Oh good…here comes the Care Boars to help fuck the pain away.
How To Train Your Dragon 2, XMen, Apes 2, 22 Jump Street could be cool, review HTTYD, you guys never review an animated movie
Uh, for what it’s worth, I don’t really watch animated movies either. I have a friend who does. He enjoys them and I trust his opinions on them. He liked the Princess and The Frog and Brave and How To Train Your Dragon all, but I just don’t feel like watching them myself.
They simply don’t interest me in the slightest, which is odd considering how often I get asked to babysit…but I digress. The best analogue I could give is with video games. I’m sure driving games are fun, but I literally have no desire to play them, regardless of how glowing a friend’s opinion is of Forza or something.
Same with animated movies; I’m sure Frozen is good (as long as you’re adult enough to not watch it five times just because it involves an orgasm allegory in its big song and dance number). It could genuinely be a terrific movie. I just wouldn’t give a damn either way, nonetheless.
Maybe Mike ‘n Jay are same way?
There’s nothing more I can do but sing you:
La-la la-la-la la-la-la-la la-la-la, la-la-la-la la-la-la.
Don’t do a dumpster diving in mainstream Hollywood pile of garbage. But our beloved frauds loves to exploit cynical mass product movies.
Watch some “Under the Skin” or “Noah”. Amazingly weird movies full of WTF moments.
The only people who seem to like Noah are those smug, sanctimonious “I love SCIENCE” jackasses who just like anything that insults religious people. So, no thank you.
Again dude, you are selling me on that movie.
You must not have seen The Fountain. After that I was officially done with Aronofsky films for good. Never before has a film dared to be so vomit yellow.
You also implicitly affirmed that you are smug sanctimonious jackass when you hailed his criticism as a selling point. I’m not saying you are. I’m just saying you should watch out for that in the future.
If either of those comments was meant sarcastically, I tip my hat to both of you. But taking them at face value, well,firstly, I did not affirm my jackassness implicitly, I was trying to do it quite explicitly by replying to Akka. Secondly, one has to wonder if a bigger jackass is someone who likes a movie or a show or a person who goes out of his way to tell people they are stupid for liking them. And puts sexism in quotation marks. Plus “I love SCIENCE”, so naturally I tend to be a needy self important piece of shit who does nothing but rag on people for their religious beliefs.
With that rant outtta the way, let´s talk Aronofsky. Of course if you do not like him, nothing is going to sway you and that is very ok. “Fountain” was very divisive, because I think Aronofsky just showed all of his cards when he did that. He always goes for the most pompous, loud and visually screaming way to tell his stories. Yes, “Wrestler” is more subdued, but that style is not lost at all, he just wallows in the realism instead of stylized imagery. It is not for everyone and the bigger he goes with the plot, the bigger he has to go with his style, which wil definitely tend to alienate some people. I liked “Fountain”. It´s not a particularly deep or meaningful movie or anything, but then, what actually is. To me, Aronofsky is one of the directors whose movies are more akin to music, where you do not have to even understand the lyrics to be moved.
Doesn’t seem smug or sanctimonious to me at all. Certainly not any less than the comment he was responding to. His criticism is a selling point and I’m afraid a lot of people would agree. Nothing sells books or tickets faster than when some religious group tries to ban it or protests against it.
we are all assclowns here… just some of us are aware of the fact.
(also, I’m kind of curious to see the Fountain and the Wrestler before I see Noah)
You must NEVER see those two movies.
I interpreted your statement to be “I must MAYBE see those two movies.”
I may have been inarticulate.
Lemme try again.
If you ever waste your fucking time watching either of those piece-of-sh!t movies you mentioned, don’t come crawling to me, because I tried to educate you once.
So, what you’re saying is, Pa Kent doesn’t say “Maybe?”
The movies will suck. I think I got it now. Is this suckage similar to how I imagine Tree of Life or To the Wonder to be? (Haven’t seen them, but Thin Red Line was torture) or is Arronofsky just insane?
I’d say THE FOUNTAIN flirts with Malickian ponderousness. (But I’m not a Malick hater.) And, it’s squooshed through a colander into lumpy, mashed fantasy. Anyway, it’s the fucking orange-iest movie to which you’d ever want to lay witness. (And orange is my favorite color!)
Imagine the secret of life and death reduced to Wolverine staring at a snow-globe.
Ha! I haven’t seen Superman (any of them) so thanks for the backstory there.
Enough people I respect saw good things in the 2 Malick films I mentioned, so I haven’t written him off yet.
I love science, but I don’t like Aronofsky. That said, I think Transformers 4 is probably a greater affront to God than Noah.
wrong. Steven D. Greydanus liked it. http://www.ncregister.com/blog/steven-greydanus/chill-out-about-noah
I’m gonna see it eventually, but I won’t expect it to be a great film.
If anything, it seems like its in the vein of “A Serious Man” by the Coen bros. Both films are directed by men raised Jewish, yet without a faith of their own, attempting to grapple with their heritage.
All that being said, I did read two hilarious reaction piece to seeing “Noah.” The movie does sound a trifle insane, esp with the whole Noah’s family situation being rewritten from scratch.
Rewritten or written? The Bible was light on the details when it came to Noah’s family drama.
Well that’s the thing. What little we do know is that he had 3 sons, all married. But we can’t have a stable family dynamic… where’s the *drama* in that? The film has only one of them married, with the middle son thinking he’ll be alone the rest of his life after humanity is wiped out, and more importantly, won’t have an opportunity to, ahem, procreate with a woman.
also amusing: http://www.intercollegiatereview.com/index.php/2014/04/02/the-noah-bomber/
Full disclosure: These guys are Catholics and I love how they write. I will most likely watch Noah after it is released digitally, with a tall flagon of ale at my side (to f#%k the pain away, f#%k the pain away…)
I went to your first link. I haven’t seen Noah and probably won’t until it is streaming. Don’t really like Aronofsky’s recent films. So putting aside his criticism of the film, I disagree with everything else he said. But it’s good to be reminded that there are intelligent people out there who think these things.
I’m not seeing “Noah” just so I can avoid listening to all of those assholes who say “the book is better”.
Noah is no less cynical than any of the other movies mentioned. Trying to cash in on that sweet Passion of the Christ Evangelical dollar.
I don’t think its cynical at all. Sounds like an honest attempt to make a personal movie, regardless of how bonkers the result after the director changes some central plot thingys.
The choice to take out the flood and turn it into a buddy road picture was an odd one, I admit.
These guys really hit the mark on how stalwart artistic expression is in Hollywood.
One of these days the Care Boars are going to push me over the edge.
Jay breaks character so often, he’s become the Jimmy Fallon or Tom Magliozzi of RLM.
The Playing Dangerously Monkey Kid of RLM?
Ah. You mean the kid from “Ice Cream Man.”
Oh, right, sorry. I always git dose too migzd up wen ivf had dringz..
“Although it’s more Vodka than gimlet.”
Harry S. Plinkett
“I hear the film’s so bad they’re not even screening it for audiences!”
It took me a second to get what Mike meant, but once I did I had to pause the video because I was laughing so hard.
Am I looking forward to an over-saturation of Hollywood sequels? NOOOOOOOO!
I… I don’t get it
Claude Akins would have gotten it. Just sayin’,
Jay has some fantastic facial expressions in this.
You frauds forgot such surefire mega-hits as…
The Amazing Spiderman 2! A sequel to a reboot of a remake of a reboot of a popular comic book!
Godzilla! A reboot of a beloved franchise that only has 33 movies attached to it, four of which are also reboots!
Jurassic Park 4! I’m gonna slit my wrists!
Don’t slit your wrists yet! Next year you have Taken 3, The Mechanic 2, Magic Mike XXL, Chronicle 2, Bourne Legacy 2, annnnnnnddddd Resident Evil 6!
Don’t you mean, “Resident Re-Evil: Alliteration”?
Resident Evil 66: Order Hot Zone Kill
Don’t forget such 2014 Christmas classics as The Hobbit III and Annie, where the orphanage is nicer than my apartment! Totally believable!
Starring Jaden Plinkett Smith as Annie!
I take it this is a review of the movie?
But T.V. this summer is gonna be great. I want Mike & Jay to talk about the new seasons of Mad Men and Game of Thrones.
I really agree with you there. I’d love to see a whole new segment on RLM that deals with T.V. shows.
I’m also worried about that thought. I’m not sure even Red Letter Media can escape whatever AMC executives go around offering blowjobs and piles of money to whoever will gush about how good The Walking Dead is…
Not that they don’t deserve either, but I just fear the thought of Mike and Jay selling out…*shiver*…whoring themselves for cheap product placement and saying whatever will get them a quick buck…
Ohhhh, I’ve seen internet writers (not just commenters– paid writers) lambast The Walking Dead before.
Mike and Jay’ll be fine.
Really! Shit, where? Everywhere I look it’s just a sea open mouths waiting desperately for AMC’s cock…
There’s an article written by Cracked.com’s pop culture junkie, Daniel O’Brien, called “The 4 Biggest Missed Opportunities in Fiction.” You’ve got a section in their about how good Walking Dead COULD have been, but how it totally isn’t that good.
Genuine thanks! I now feel a little less like a flickering candle, all alone come a moonless, windy night-
Sorry, I’m not sure where that came from…
Still have not seen either of those shows. The internets seem to like them though.
Have you see The Wire, the Battlestar Galactica reboot, or The Sopranos? I’m just trying to gauge how long you’ve been stranded in Czechia.
Oh we got those in here, I am just always behind with everything. “The Wire” I had seen in its entirety twice. “Battlestar” I started watching and then spoiled myself on the ending and now I do not have much of incentive to go on. Sopranos is awesome of course. I dunno, for some reason I watch way more Brittish shows (they are significantly shorter for one thing).
And I loved True Detective. Just thought I´d be original on the internet.
Never heard of it.
I want Mike & Jay to reenact every sex scene portrayed in those two series
Ah yes, Game of Thrones: soft core porn for larping jackasses. And Mad Men: let’s sneer ironically at generations that were immeasurably better than us because ‘sexism’.
Well, now I really want to watch those shows
TV is where all the writers went.
There is a blog for Mad Men that focuses solely on the meaning of colors in each episode. From wardrobe to set design. Just colors. Are you sure you want to go down that route?
Dude, you have to understand, I´m like a huge fan of blue, so…
You’re into infanticide, then. Sorry to break that to you.
I don’t like Game of Thrones, but you can’t deny that it’s watched by millions, not a handful of larpers. I only watched a few episodes of Mad Men, but that was enough to see that you are profoundly misrepresenting it.
Serious question: How is Game of Thrones? It sounds like it would be… tiresome.
I had to take notes initially, or at least keep up a family tree on the computer to understand who was who. Once i understood who everyone was and how they were related, I liked it.
Characters can be pretty complex, where one season you hate them, and then the next you love them. There’s very little downtime, especially if you watch the seasons marathon-style. Major plot twists can make you scream with glee or horror depending on who you like. The special effects are great without being noticeable, great score, set design and wardrobe.
What you said, totally. Also, I like to serve tea and slices of my little pony to my stuffed animals, while we listen to the commentaries.
One of your stuffed animals (Smookie-kins) has digestion issues, so be sure to serve him 2 doses of Popples before he gets dessert.
Pancake and Potato Chip it is! Although . . . there is the risk of blockage.
Why does your fetus Popple have hands like a Cabbage Patch Kid?
For the same reason it has the tail of a Cuddle Zoo dinosaur. It’s the abominable result of the Furries’ breeding program to perfect the races.
I think you found the screenwriters for “Elves.”
I like large casts of characters. Looking forwards to it.
Season one was Machiavellian, then season two added magic, but in both the blood flowed in rivers, was collected in pails, then sluiced the down gullets of villains. Plus whatever Domooru_Sashimiwa already replied. Have not seen a frame of season three, but I expect it was glorious.
I’ve been surprised that I’ve liked it. The books were after my time, so to speak. And I figured it was the usual Tolkien rip-off–Swords of Shannara-style. In fact, it’s more a teleplay version of the War of the Roses with dragons and zombies and magic added in. All very well done–the location filming especially.
Oh really? My pater said some of the younger cops were watching it and asked me if I’d heard of it. Initially I’d heard much the same as @ident:disqus and teh interwebs was all abuzz about the “strong female character” who gets nekkid and stuff… so that made me groan. (Also – Sean Bean gets whacked in this? Dude can’t get a break…) My dad and I have similar tastes in movies and film but this sounded a tad exploitative and dumb, despite all the ironwork and battles.
Don’t see very many men concerned about bewbs on tv. Excepting the lack of.
Everything you say is true–it is HBO after all–but the show has grown past that. (And Emilia Clarke, the main actress in question, has put her foot down about future nudity–or so I think I’ve read.)
I would recommend it as engrossing if not particularly uplifting viewing.
Thanks. I was never interested in swords n sorcery fantasy since they all seemed like pale imitations of LotR, but I’m gonna give this a shot. (by which I mean I’m going to watch alllll of it)
It’s ripe for a binge. Enjoy.
Aye. And if I could make a recommendation to you… Lilyhammer. Hilarious show. I’m two episodes from the end of the latest (2nd) season. Watching that little Italian-American corrupting Norwegians with his can-do spirit is just too delicious.
OK. I’ve seen it listed on Netflix. I’ll put it in the queue.
Beginning late on Holy Saturday with Season 1, I just watched the most recent episode of Season 4 yesterday. GoT has its… merits. A hearty thanks for the recommendation.
All the “Sexposition” aside, the characters are fascinating and there’s rarely a dull moment. I don’t see myself yelling/groaning at the widescreen computer monitor like during Walking Dead – not sure what it is, either better writing or the fact there’s only 10 episodes a season, so they don’t extend the show with filler.
Also, (this photo) is just the greatest.
Χριστός ἀνέστη! Happy to be helpful.
“I can describe an axe entering a human skull in great explicit detail and no one will blink twice at it. I provide a similar description, just as detailed, of a penis entering a vagina, and
I get letters about it and people swearing off. To my mind this is kind of frustrating, it’s madness. Ultimately, in the history of [the] world, penises entering vaginas have given a lot of people a lot of pleasure; axes entering skulls, well, not so much.” – George RR Martin
I’ll be the lone dissenter. I found the plotting to be contrived and characterization inconsistent. I got halfway through the first season before giving up.
I’d heard that as well. I wonder is this more of a “guilty pleasure” with folks – something for the proverbial shutting down of the brain?
I don’t agree. I actually think there are probably actual historical precedents for every plot twist in the show–so they are not entirely fanciful or beyond reason.
Some characters change, but mostly, I think, in reasonable ways.
But I’m not a rabid partisan on the subject. I’m nowhere near as invested in this show as I might be in others.
He may have taken every event in his books from some historical event, that doesn’t make it any less contrived. Take the English Civil War out of context and put it in Narnia between the fauns and the badgers and it doesn’t make any sense. I’m not talking about character arcs, I’m talking about characters doing things those characters should never do. Peter Dinklage bringing his prostitute girlfriend into the royal castle is something that character would have been far too shrewd to do from what we have seen from him to that point. I can’t remember the other things that pissed me off, I just remember sighing through every episode.
Wait, I do remember the architecture pissed me off a lot. Another example of taking things from history and putting them into a context where they make no sense. The Moroccan or Arab style interiors of the royal castle with so many rooms and halls open to the elements makes no sense in a world where winter is harsh and lasts for years. But even putting that aside, there would not be such a huge difference in architecture between neighboring kingdoms with a shared history and culture.
I read the books, but got bored by the show.
You are right about the characterization. The books frequently change character focus from chapter to chapter. When this happens the focused characters become more uniform in their thoughts and actions. It’s more palatable reading it in a book, where you see into a character’s mind. But it can be quite jarring in the show.
I haven’t read the books. It may be that all my issues are addressed in some manner in the books. My opinion extends only to the TV show.
I’m sick and tired of all those sequels! When is the next Plinkett review?
When’s the Plinkett review reboot!?
is all I need
to look at while I train my dragon
Make it two. Mine with cream, sugar and a massive erec…Holy hymen, here am I daydreaming again!
I’d like mine decaf, otherwise we’ll be up all night… oh, never mind
Well, you 2 are set for the night.
Check their avatars. “Hot and Horny” hooks up with the only Elvgren model onsite. I expected nothing less.
2? Wait, where’s Jay? Fangs, did you uncuff him again?!
Fangs is doing a David Carradine in the utility closet. Next to the mop bucket. Easy cleanup.
…what the hell? Jesus, you guys are awfully prolific with your humor this week! I’m digging it, baby.
That’s not Jesus, that’s Jay.
Don’t worry, it’s a common mistake.
Yes, I’m fucking following you. Does it matter? Noooooooooooooooooooooo.
I’m still holding out for Empire Strikes Back 2: Striking Back with a Vengence.
Also, where’s Spaceballs 2: The search for more money?
Joking aside, that could have been amazing. A sequel that makes fun of the sequel hungry film industry whilst parodying the prequels perhaps (as was rumored), written by Moranis and Brooks. Fuck Yes. Apparently they considered making Spaceballs 3: The Search for Spaceballs 2. Another missed opportunity of an actually warranted sequel.
And I think it’s about time to actually make History of the World: Part II. Why not, at this point?
Not enough lens flares!
……..this shit fo real?
Wait, what the fuck was I thinking, it says summer 2014.
Come on, like you ever thought of anything besides fuck
You people know me too well.
Yes, soon we’ll all meld into a hivemind of bad puns, repetitive memes and coarse innuendo.
Resistance is futile!
And we will all live in a big Dorkcube.
Happy to serve, Colonel.
The Happening 2?
I don’t know what’s so fascinating about this GIF, but I cannot unfix my eyes from it. I think I would honestly pay money to go see a feature length film that had nothing but this for an hour and a half.
A giant vagina in the desert?
Nope. An anus in a field.
Whatever it is, it’s dry and dilated.
I was fascinated, too, and I think it’s because the cut between the wide and close shot of the hole is so logical. Each one leads to the next – wide -> close-> wide -> close – as if it’s new people jumping in each time, as opposed to most gifs, in which you can see where the loop begins and ends.
It’s like in “Sorcerer”, which shows us two trucks full of dynamite crossing the same treacherous bridge, one after the other, and even though it was the same thing both times, the crossings were equally suspenseful. There could have been six crossings and it still would have been edge-of-your-seat stuff.
Plus, who doesn’t enjoy seeing a horde of Japanese salary-men being laid off?
Wow, a Sorcerer reference. My dad showed me that movie after he’d heard my growing interest in house music – the soundtrack was scored by Tangerine Dream, an early German electronic group that influenced my dad’s tastes when he was younger.
A sign of the times:
Sorcerer (’77): Tangerine Dream
Thief (’81): Tangerine Dream
Chariots of Fire (’81): Vangelis
whoa I only knew he did Blade Runner; that’s quite a variety of films.
Ah, synchronicity. Just last night I was listening to this:
And Blade Runner – how could I forget the one I liked best?
And thanks for the tip to Sorcerer. Exactly the kind of movie I’m looking for these days.
I was introduced by a friend who wanted to be a career intelligence officer. But the title he offered that really stuck with me was “The Sandbaggers”.
Another great lead. I’m on it–like Space Cop on a frankfurter.
Good. See if you can solve the case of the long-lost 20th episode – something the like debate among fans of “The Prisoner” over the true order of that series’ episodes – not to mention the death of series creator Ian Mackintosh.
As usual, you are cryptic and delightful.
Kind words, but – full disclosure? – I’m in the fight of my life for the Henry Darger Prize, for the internet’s Most Anomalous Nobody, aka The iMAN (Apple sponsorship pending). It’s all about walking that ever-narrowing strip of deserted beach between the forest and the sea.
Which was a remake.
What about spiderman 2? Captain America 2? The protector 2? And the godzilla remake! I’m starting to think this wasn’t a serious review at all.
The ones they know they probably HAVE to review. Then the ones they will review anyway like Days of Future Past and Rio 2. Buncha frauds.
Godzilla…. Amazing Spiderman 2…. you missed the biggest ones :C
So, when is the Plinkett remake coming?
Have you tried saying “Plinkett” into a mirror three times?
I did. Candy comes out.
Cool! I just got sprayed in the face with Raid.
Wait, you forgot to be jerking off while saying it, didn´t you?
Well duh, why wouldn’t you be jerking off to anything RLM related?
No its pizza rolls that come out, duh
The blue bottle?
Yeah, these hack frauds are all out of fresh ideas. Time to sell out with a remake of the Prequel reviews; a full remake, none of that 3D remaster crap. But how are we gonna reboot Plinkett? Use Rich Evans instead of Mike? Make him a sad lonely man instead of a hooker-killing psycho? How will Redlettermedia fuck this up!?
High framerate edition?
Time to get nauseous!
Jonah Hill is… PLINKETT.
I usually don’t read comments without hitting pause after watching the video.
But when I do…
…the Care Boars gets me.
It had been foretold that if a RLM fan watches Care Boars all the way to the end, an actual new Best of the Worst appears. Sadly, the suffering gets the better of all of us.
Of course.. The RLM_TCB_BotW_prophecy !
(Btw didn’t suffering lead to fecal urgency ? Or something…)
And the fecal urgency leads either to anger or bloody stool. Not sure which one.
It goes: Suffering leads to Fecal Urgency, Fecal Urgency leads to Bloody Stool, and Bloody Stool leads to Suffering. Wait…
“Oily foods must I stop eating”
Weren’t those interchangeable?
Shhh keep this between us, but I watch the videos on the home page, then click on the comments as soon as it finishes.
Hey, guess what, wrong video to post a Care Boars joke.
What’s that “Care Boars” you’re talking about ?
This is not the joke you’re looking for…
Take your lady, Jay? Your LADY?!?! I don’t know, sounds awfully heteronormative to me…
Lady Jay from G.I. Joe is his girlfriend?
Awesome! A list of all the movies Mike and Jay wont be watching this year! I can’t wait!
Can’t wait for this summer’s great movies!
Jay’s expression after reading the slash fic about him and me I just wrote
the Thousand-Yard Stare, seen on ex-war vets, trauma patients, and cinephiles who are old enough to remember a time when movies weren’t just soulless cash machines.
This episode is so dark.
I want this as the watermark on my personal cheques.
This needs more likes
I and my anonymous doppelgänger have done our part.
But is it so dense?
Hey, fuck you guys, How to train your dragon was great
it’s just a generic cartoon.
Did it need a sequel?
A question like that can only really be answered if the sequel earns it’s existence, right?
He said need. We should be able to look at the original movie and see if there is more story to be told. What I can recall of How to Train Your Dragon is that the boy learned how to train his dragon. It didn’t have a rich mythos inviting other stories and there was no other character I wanted to know more about. None of this means the sequel can’t be good.
What movie needs a sequel though?
It did not. No movie needs a sequel.
But How to Fuck Your Dragon will be better.
I just realized that I’ve become a total misanthrope.
Nah, the people just became all bunch of fucks.
You’re a fucking werewolf?? Ohhh myyy gaaaaaad!
Which curse it is again?
The one of “they weooulf”.
its the beard..
I know that being friendly to misanthropes isn’t really a sign of feline distemper, but you’ve got distemper!
‘Cause Hollywood sucks. Full of vapid people shoveling out garbage. The dumb masses cobble it up. Which makes me realize that most people out there suck.
I liked the part with all the mock enthusiasm.
There wasn’t enough of it. My eardrums aren’t bleeding yet.
fork in the brain…
i guess i now can take that many memes per seconds.. will there be a RLM’s 2014 Summer Movie Round-up Round 2?.. *drooling*
It will be called 22 Jump-TheShark-Street
it makes sense!!!
So… no Captain America: The Winter Soldier review next week? That sucks.
See anything gif worthy in there, Fadlechud?
I demand your free content from their free content!
I demand nothing. And I would gladly repay Mike, Jay, and Faddlechud with free back rubs for their time and effort…
I volunteer as Tribute! I mean to rub Jay… on the back… and other places…
Seconded. And suggest Jay’s face at 2:27-2:30.
someone(s)’s been watching Mega64
Why would anyone watch that? Why are they screaming? Why doesn’t the video have a theme of any kind? Do they think they can amuse me by giving me a fucking headache? The fuck is this shit? Fuck? Fuck!
I was thinking the same thing.
holy shit I’m a mega64 fan and I’ve missed these, thanks!
I’m a gamer, I am familiar Mega64 and their style. Those guys…are awful…just terrible. Sure the video looks similar but it isn’t as clever, funny, or well edited. They’re a bunch of extremely self-satisfied gaming elitists that bash Call of Duty and Madden without any wit and think they are smart for doing so. They are obnoxious, loud, and stupid. Don’t ever compare RLM to those actual Hack Frauds again.
Well, the comparison is warranted when RLM is PARODYING their style.
It’s usually a parody when those being parodied are at the butt of the joke to some extent. I did not get that from this, I got, “Please help us, we’re two very drunk men in front of a green screen longing for death.” But that’s just me.
Okay, but since the videos are in a similar style of nausea and green screen, I think we can at least COMPARE them.
Mr. Plinkett compared Revenge of the Sith to Citizen Kane, after all. Comparisons don’t need to be positive.
The original comment said nothing of comparison. It implied a borrowing of ideas, which may or may not have happened, but I just think it gives too little credit to RLM and too much credit to Mega 64.
THAT, I understand.
It’s low hanging fruit, simple as that.
Ah, so these guys went to the “Just Shout at a Camera to Be Funny” School of Comedy.
I wonder if Nostalgia Critic signed their yearbook.
These guys can be quite funny actually. I am a weird creature that does not play games, but is well informed in the matters of them and Mega64 can definitely make me laugh. As this gamer/nongamer hybrid, what I would say is a)This is not what they usually do, just yearly wrap – up with those two as characters represnting obnoxious types of gamers, b) If Booger does not find them funny, that´s ok, nobody has the same sense of humour. But I dont think they rag on CoD or Madden as games, just generally on the trend of releasing what are quite similar games, yearly with slight improvements (I cannot say it for sure for CoD or Madden, but FIFA sure as fuck is the same since basically PS1 era when I was into it) and c)This is redirecting from RLM site to elsewhere, so it is either getting deleted or at least frowned upon by Jay the Bearded.
I’m all for hating on CoD and sports games, they deserve it and many other gamers do the same including myself, but I just find them obnoxious. They also do hidden-camera-game-themed pranks which should be right up my alley but they almost always come off as jerks. In contrast, I love Keith Apicary and all his old videos including the hidden camera stuff, which wasn’t brilliant, but it was above just messing with people. There was usually a joke behind his shenanigans. Different strokes for different fucks I guess…
The guest is me. Not sure why.
It showed up in my mail as you. I guess Disqus has its time of the month.
Oh I get it, some of the pranks are too cringeworthy for me. Keith Apicary is the guy who got banned from some convention right? Have to check him out:)
I get that the linked vid in question was meant to be a parody, but it was too long not to be irritating. And then they go for all the same obvious choices for their top games that all the gaming press loves: Last of Us, BioShock: Infinite, Gone Home, Don’t Starve. I’ve only played Infinite and wasn’t that impressed, so I guess my conclusion after seeing their little video is that they don’t have anything new to say really.
Yeah, that is kinda true, they mostly do like pretty obvious jokes. And I mean really obvious, since, again, the only contact I get with games is whatever Jim Sterling puts out (because I love the guy) and then dicking around on youtube. I just sort of like the dudes themselves, I used to listen to their podcast quite a bit some time ago.
Tapeworm, you have good taste my friend!
I am doing it for the power.
I’m not that familiar with their work.
My comment was actually more of a dig at Nostalgia Critic… who, really, I don’t even have a problem with.
…I’m just an asshole, huh, fellas?
Welcome among us, brother.
Is that someone you? I bet it’s you.
But you could care less right
Wish I could care more, but I don’t.
Just saw Captain America 2. It was a good time with great fight scenes and two boring villains. What?! Did you expect a fucking jo-
Its not 2014, its 2013 2: this time its… the same thing.
I’d rather watch any of those movies than a clip of Mr. Plinkett eating.
There’s no accounting for taste.
Yup, the sad state of the movie industry, but hilarious as usual guys. Although I am looking forward to the next wolverine movie.
You guys forgot:
Westerners Try Godzilla 2
The Amazing Spider-Man 2
Captain America 2
Sleeping Beauty: The Gritty Reboot
The Purge 2
Step Up: All In (They’re Still Making These?)
Sin City 2 (which is actually a prequel)
…and Kevin Bacon
But I’ll forgive you because you briefly allowed me to forget there are even more sequels and reboots than the ones in the video…
oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
I’m actually looking forward to Sin City 2. They’ve been trying to get that made for years.
“They’ve been trying to get that made for years.”
That’s not exactly a guarantee for quality, is it? (See: Duke Nukem Forever, Delgo, The Love Guru)
It’s not because the original Sin City wasn’t good, it’s because it didn’t make enough money.
That’s why Adam Sandler’s bullshit get an automatic greenlight, but unique and interesting movies have to languish in development hell for a decade; his movies have a built in audience (of morons) and a fuckton of product placement to pad the budget with.
Sin City was a fantastic movie. The sequel has a fair shot at being just as good.
There’s always someone looking forward to a given sequel. I’m sure Twitter is all ablaze about the new Step Up. Just an observation.
Bah. The original Sin City was awesome. Step Up sucked. Making a sequel to a shitty movie is immediately a bad idea. At least Sin City 2 has a fair chance of being good.
Somebody PLEASE run me the fuck over.
It would be preferable to sitting through another God. Damned. Soulless. Remake.
Until they come out with the next Batman movie. Then you’ll rush to the theatre to see it.
You pegged me. I will rush to see the next Batman movie, and I will hate it just like the last five Batman movies.
I can’t help it. Batman is my favorite fictional character, and I am a die-hard optimist.
Don’t judge me. It’s like bullying.
Still waiting for a sequel to Black Ninja–Somewhat Competent African-American Yellow belt.
Sounds like a prequel to me. Then again that would mean Black Ninja was at one time somewhat competent.
I think I’m off to a deserted island or something, I’ll be back in Autumn
Oh, so that’s what Mike and Jay were doing while Jack and Wizard argued with themselves and Rich stood motionless for days.
Hmm. Either your ironic wit is amazing… or you misused the phrase “couldn’t care less.”
(The phrase means that you care so little that it’s impossible for you to care any less. If you “could care less” then you care more than the minimum level of caring. The humor of your comment lies in your apparent care, complete with an example demonstrating your care, along with the irony of saying you could care less. I decided this comment was necessadfsaoihsadf becaopisadfjkh askjfhein irgor)
I think i died a little inside.
Holy shit all those death threats actually worked.
I think I remember what it was like to look forward to summer movies, a long time ago….in a theatre far, far away
You mean, when they were the exact same movies you saw on this list, but just didn’t have a 2 next to them?
He means Roadhouse.
I had to check that body double thing just in case it was a joke. Apparently it wasn’t. Nice to see Hollywood taking pointers off the seedy underbelly of Hong Kong B-movies.
I can’t wait for the scene where they tape a cardboard cutout of Paul Walker’s face in the rear view mirror while we see the back of another actor’s head.
In that case, just take the approach of “Plan 9 From Outer Space” and have a new actor hold a cape in front of their face.
To be fair they probably have enough footage from the first six Fast & Furious movies that they could insert actual footage of Paul Walker into every scene and no one would be the wiser.
It’s gonna be great.
no comment part 2: the art of nonmedy
followed by the commentless comment: breachin’ of the 5′th wall.
Which bombs unexpectedly, requiring a reboot wherein the comment skews younger and changes race for no reason.
The trailer is all BWAMMY just like a Nolan trailer.
Only Lovers Left Alive, the latest Jim Jarmusch flick, is headed to theatres later this month. That’s something to look forward to.
The script idea stealing hack? No thanks.
I think I’ve missed a reference to something.
You didn’t, he just got accused of ripping off a script idea back in 2006, and from shit I read he kinda had a reputation for it in the screenwriting community. But that could just be jealous writers who couldn’t get their shit made, and he had a similar story at the time.
I didn’t find the scandal, but apparently theft is part of the Jarmusch aesthetic.
Coincidently (?) in 2009 he was cast as himself in the “Bored to Death” episode “The Case of the Missing Screenplay”.
Only because it has vampires in it.
5 theaters. And they’re all on a coast.
Nobody’s gonna have a chance to see that until it comes out on DVD. The Godzillaplexes have to have all their screens playing, um, well, GODZILLA.
Only goddamn pretentious neck-bearded art film snobs would thumb their nose at 10 FEET TALL IRRADIATED KARATE REPTILES THAT FINISH OFF THE SEXUAL VIOLATION THAT WAS THE TRANSFORMERS ABORTIONS. My inner child is a rotting corpse.
Guardians of the Galaxy, Captain America 2, and the new Hobbit movie will be fine though.
Why don’t you stop worrying about your childhood and grow the fuck up.
He was a beanbag chair as a child. It’s the only way he gets affection.
That’s no way for a young person to address a former President of the United States.
Now, draft a formal letter of apology, send it to my secretary, and then stop making assumptions about somebody you’ve never met before and shut the fuck up.
In that order. I can wait.
You get out of the bathtub first, you pro-business, union-busting manatee.
I was gonna say u forgot Amazing Spiderman 2, which is the sequel to Amazing Spiderman 1, which isn’t to be confused with Spiderman 2…but then I remembered it’s coming out in May, so it’s not a summer movie…ooohhhh
That was amazing! I’m going to fucking shoot myself!
Meanwhile, Dredd, a film that actually fucking deserves a sequel, remains a distant wet dream whilst fresh turds are being pinched from the anus that is known as Hollywood.
Dredd couldn’t find an audience because there are only six smart people left in the world. (Disclaimer: I am not one of them.)
Dredd has an audience. According to Karl Urban, it had strong DVD/Bluray sales and there are discussions about a sequel. As for the box office, I don’t know any more than anyone else, but I think the ghost of Stallone killed Dredd‘s chances there.
Yeah, too bad considering it’s a better Robocop remake than the Robocop Remake.
I’m looking forward to 2: The Motion Picture 2: Part 2.
electric boogaloo 2 too.
Right after Cop Dog 2: Spacecopdog Goes to Space.
His name? Spacecopdog. He came from the future to the past. A dog, out of time, out in space.
I concur. It left me scarred.
Sequel Sequel Sequel Sequel All Sequels to shit movies looking to cash grab. Couldn’t give 2 shits about any of these. Maybe Expendables if you like the actors. That’s about it.
May as well have named them these:
“Sequel, Part 2″ – “Sequel 2, The Return” – “Revenge Of The Sequel” – “The Sequel’s Sequel” Or my personal favorite – “The Sequel’s Sequel Sequel of Sequel’s Sequels” Try saying that one out loud.
Fast and Furious 7. Really?
That movie will be a 30 min clip of Rich sitting on a couch.
With a split screen of him standing in the closet.
With a plate of hotdogs…
…and not eating them. Talk about suspense.
You forgot to thank Asylum for their latest hit: Airplane vs Volcano! Based on a true story! No shit! That’s what it fuckin’ says! Starring Dean Cain and Robin Givens, who doesn’t look nearly as bad as someone who got slapped around by Mike Tyson should!
Also, you forgot the reboot of the remake of Godzilla! Because the Japanese didn’t make nearly enough of them!
Personally, I’m looking forward to the reboot of Game Station 2.0, titled Game Station 2.0: Discontinued.
Also, very excited to hear about the new Prometheus movie in the works, which is the sequel to the quasi-prequel to the original Alien franchise, which is in a similar but different universe than the Alien vs. Predator series. I know I will just love this quasi-pre-sequel, I’m 100000000% sure. And that’s a lot of percents, you guys. Count them. Count my percents.
I totally know what you mean. There’s pre-secum in my pants whenever I think of Prometheus 2.
How did this black goo get in my pants?
There will be answers to that….on the DVD release
I was wondering when M. Night Shyamalan would release his next masterpiece, but I just saw some horrible news on TV tonight:
Tragedy struck today as acclaimed director M. Night Shyamalan uncovered a thinly-veiled twist in the story of his life. When the director began watching his own latest movies, he saw that they weren’t any good.
“It was shocking,” the acclaimed director said. “They were all horrible, and inexplicably used lengthy shots which further ruined any chance an editor might have at making certain sequences less terrible.”
This wasn’t the first twist Shyamalan has uncovered. Earlier in his career, Newsweek magazine brandished him on the front of their publication with the quote, “The Next Spielberg.” In a dramatic twist of fate, investigators discovered Stephen Spielberg was still alive, and later went on to direct the mega-blockbuster sensation “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”
They also called Shyamalan the next Hitchcock, which at least isn’t total nonsense like the Spielberg comparison, but it may not be quite the praise it sounds like when you consider that Shyamalan’s only made ten films so far, and Hitchcock’s first ten films didn’t even have sound.
DON’T SPEAK THE NAME OF THAT MOVIE OUT LOUD!
They might actually reboot it. Just pretend it never happened.
Tim and Eric wish they were this good.
movies can eat my cock
Buddy, let them chew it. That might be pleasurable. But, I guarantee you do not want them eating it. At the very least, you want to keep it for peeing. Life spent wearing a drip bag would really bite.
Just the bad ones.
I swear that Jay gets a little closer to sporting a handlebar mustache with every video.
These things take time.
WHAT no Hangover prequel this summer?
Wait, Silver Linings Playbook isn’t related to the Hangover movies?
I’m so proud that I “get” your handle.
But do you “get” Captain Beefheart? More importantly, does anyone “get” Captain Beefheart?
If we took up a collection, maybe they’d send Rich with a parrot cam so we coud see his faaaace.
Who are those people and why would we want to do them?
Kramer vs. Kramer is a classic. I also discovered Brick accidentally. I thought an earnest film noir set in a high school would be awful but it wasn’t. However, none of that excuses your unpatriotic failure to financially support Hollywood. You’ll soon be receiving a visit from your local MPAA representative to discuss your refusal to love your country and appropriate reparations.
This video was great except for the Rich Evans nude scene at the end, was way too short
So that’s it right? ‘Fuck You, It’s January’ has been officially extended until summer.
Soon it will be a yearlong spectacular.
After that we will pay to sit in theaters, where the projected image will be the execs just pointing at the audience and laughing their ass off. In 3D.
They better be sexy execs, then. I ain’t gonna spend my money on just Bob Rosenberg-level execs.
Although, Bob Rosenberg probably looks really handsome counting his donuts.
Are you ready for your glaze?
As long as you use lots of decons.
of the shitless kind.
It’ll be just like Christmas.
Then, one day, there will be Christmas movies playing year round.
January and February will be home to the reject Christmas movies that weren’t good enough to play in December (Santa Claus Conquers the Martian remake, anyone?).
Then March, April, and May will be home to the rom-com Christmas movies, where Santa or some elves find love amid some wacky circumstances.
The summer will give us the blockbuster spectacles we long for, where Santa and the elves wage war against their enemies from the South Pole.
The Fall will give us some more comedies and a few dramatic pieces.
And then October and November will give us the heavy dramas, where Santa has to ponder on just why he must give toys to the girls and boys. Perhaps Santa will have a tragic backstory where his brother was trampled by some reindeer when they were little boys. His father and mother will blame him and he’ll make a vow to create flying reindeer some day. After spending a few centuries with a whore on one arm and a heroin needle in the other, he’ll have some clarity and finish his ambitious dreams.
Then December will give us an action-packed adventurous Santa. The movies will be epics that are told in annual installments that will rage on for a decade.
And all the while, the elder folks will be complaining about how “This isn’t the Santa Claus I grew up with!!”
I can’t wait for that day. Because when that day comes, I’ll set up and watch all of my favorite movies. Then I’ll listen to all of my favorite music. After a week-long orgy of entertainment, feasting, drinking, and pure debauchery, I’ll retire to my bedroom, put my gun in my mouth and finish myself off quickly (but not before I Dexterfy my room with tons of plastic sheeting, to contain the mess).
And you’re all invited to my party.
Will Huey Lewis and the News being playing as well? I got a sweet axe to bring to your party!
Hell, by that time, I’d probably be able to afford a live show by them.
A live show by who? Huey Lewis and The News? You can see them for free next time they do karaoke at your local Holiday Inn.
Oh…That makes me sad. They were so good, too, though not at first. Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in ’83, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically. The whole album had a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He’s been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey had a far more bitter, cynical sense of humor.
Nice. Can always appreciate a reference to one of only three Bale films I’ve ever liked.
Fuck You, It’s (Insert Year Here)!
I think “Life” fits in quite nicely as well.
Fuck you, it’s Pop Culture!
Winter is coming.
First of all, lighten up a little, man. Second, everything they said in the video was pretty accurate. Third, RLM is and always has been fundamentally a movie studio, not just a film review site.
RLM is not about reviewing bad movies. Your premise is false.
So, is the film industry building up to a bubble, or is this trend actually sustainable?
No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.
I once bet all of my life savings that Scientology would never become a trend.
I’m now the homeless man who occasionally scrapes at your window.
Some, like Hollywood and The Republican Party, actually bank on it.
I just saw an article that said that Marvel Studios has all of its movies planned out until 2028.
Fuck me, I wish the Mayans had been right.
I thought u were exaggerating but no, u r absolutely correct
I can’t make up shit like that. My mind just isn’t that evil.
Right? Fourteen years at two or three of these things per. That’s not even counting another studio spinning off Spider-Man so they can have one a year for nine straight years. And the Netflix / Marvel deal. And the constant stream of Wolverine-centric stuff. Plus Disney threatening a Star Wars movie every year. Not to mention whatever the fuck Warner Brothers is doing with Batman and Superman.
Just take me out back and put a bullet in my brain. I’m begging you.
I even liked Captain America: Another Colon Movie, but I want it all to end. I really, really want it all to end.
i’ll get back to that question when the new captain america makes a billion $ at the box office.
I call bubble. There’s only so much money they can tap out of nerds. It’s like the Western genre; it used to be the only genre, but then people got sick of it at some point and moved onto something else.
I think the next big movie genre is Romance movies because the growing affluent demographic is the American woman.
Going purely by budget size, I’m willing to bet that these Star Trek and Star Wars and Marvel movies aren’t made for any specific gender or nationality (to say nothing of such a specific audience as nerds), and consequently must draw in the American woman demographic already.
I’m not exactly sure what the draw is for a female audience in any of those movies besides pecs, abs, and ass. Those movies aren’t about relationships, lady parts, or female empowerment, so I think the women in those theaters are there to spend time with their boyfriends rather than actually watch the movie.
People often watch movies for reasons other than their reproductive drives. I’m sure American women would enjoy, say, a Pixar animated film; I figure that these recent nerd-oriented films are the same, except with a slightly higher target age group.
SO MUCH ORIGINAL CONTENT!!!
Teamage Mewtwo Neenjah Turdulls will definitely be the sleeper hit of the summer. The GREAT sales numbers will also coincide with the release of the only successful “franchise tie-in/spin-off” video game that will undoubtedly proceed it – Teamage Mewtwo Neenjah Turdulls Ultimo Mega Waterslide Blast, and its sequel, Ultimo Mega Crush Happy Sewer Saga.
The movie and games will break all sales records, and the entire fucking world will explode.
Pre-order “TMNT: The Michael Bay Movie: The Game” now and gain access to some truly shell-shocking extras!! Like a Solid Snake eye patch!!! And special artwork that no one cares about!!!! DLC is also on the way, like the anticipated “TMNT: Overpriced” mission pack!!!!!!!! Coming soon for PS5, XBOX -1, WiiSomething, 3DSTD, PSVimam;fehagf, and Etch-a-sketch.
At the same time. And then give a review of each.
I don’t get it, was that a Plinkett review?
Me too. Except when Stallone fooled me by calling the first Rambo movie First Blood. The jerk.
And I don’t like Feeding Frenzy. There’s enough here for everyone.
I liked the opening scene of Feeding Frenzy–the scene that was filmed later, in a different style, with a renowned horror queen and with Tina Krause.
Missed what you did the first time, then caught it on the second pass.
Better late than never.
I feel like a dinobot remembering the times when movies weren’t made just to justify trailers and posters as bait for the audience.
Oooh. Me too. Dibs on being Grimlock!
I hope someone reboots the franchise about my favorite hard-boiled detective…
…And they may break them down. When they’ve seen them. We haven’t really given them a chance to do that yet.
And, on a case-by-case basis, some of these movies may turn out to be pretty good. Mike and Jay were actually looking forward to the new X-Men movie at the end of their Wolverine review, so it’s not that they hate the very idea of the movie being made.
It has more to do with the fact that there won’t be ANY original ideas this Summer, that ALL these movies are going to be either reboots or sequels. That’s an irritating trend and the fact that TWO Hercules movies are being released within the span of mere months is fucking nuts.
Yup. Hopefully some of these sequels and reboots will at least attempt something interesting. Marvel seems to be getting it. Cap 2 sounds really good and Guardians of the Galaxy (new franchise I might add) with J. Gunn at the helm won´t hopefully dissapoint either.
I actually didn’t know James Gunn was at the helm. Wow. It’s in good hands, I guess.
And I think X-Men will be great as long as it doesn’t take it’s “gay discrimination” angle quite so… literally. Because when you DIRECTLY compare the mutants to the gays, then there’s the implication that gay people can actually bring about the end of society with their magical powers. They can’t. The X-Men, with their destructive abilities, totally can.
No, play up the “hated-for-being-different” angle, but just make it so that it can apply to literally anyone. THAT is something that I feel the writers need to keep in mind.
“there’s the implication that gay people can actually bring about the end of society with their magical powers. They can’t.”
Says who? You haven’t seen me bring on THE FABULOUS
Look, I know from reading Orson Scott Card’s later writings that lesbians can queef lightning, but that doesn’t really amount to Halle Berry being able to control every element of the weather.
Also, Orson Scott Card is full of shit.
Especially since the X-men were never pigeon-holed into its allegorical base. They used to be about Black people, even though there’s only one black person on the team.
They could even allegorical of the Saudi Arabian woman if they play their cards right, so you’re totally right that they don’t need to be so specific.
Not a chance. The director and three-fifths of the cast is gay.
Their persecution is all they think about.
Can we please stop repeating this “Marvel seems to be getting it” nonsense?
Two good movies. Only two. IRON MAN and THE WINTER SOLDIER. Out of how many? I’ve lost count.
The most over-praised brand since Pixar started to suck.
We can stop repeating this for sure. I am not a huge fan of Marvel, heck, half of the movies I have not seen out of lack of interest. All I was pointing out was that Cap 2 is acclaimed critically (sure, might mean jack shit) and that I hope GotG will be good, because I like Gunn.
No decimal would be safe.
Please elaborate on the subject of “people with deep pockets and no idea how animation actually works,” and include one or more relevant anecdote(s).
And I must insist all answers be in the form of Elizabethan sonnets in strict iambic pentameter. I will allow an occasional weak ending so long as it does not distract from the purity of the whole.
I agree, ident.
But haikus are okay too.
That certainly was a weak ending.
He’s… sigh… another Youtube film critic.
To put what kind of critic he is in perspective, when I looked him up on Youtube, two of his most recent videos are “Godzilla Trailer #1 Review” and “Godzilla Trailer #2 Review.”
So, naturally, he’s more well-known and popular than RLM will ever be.
I love how the term “review” no longer applies to an analysis of something, but just “guy yelling about thing he saw”.
But a least RedLetterMeida has the Star Wars reviews and got complemented by Roger Ebert, which is something that Jeremy Jahns will never have
He does have SW reviews actually:)
Oh, but Mr. Plinkett’s were THE Star Wars reviews.
I mean, look at what site we´re discussing this:)
Roger Ebert complimented them for the one where they just outright (well, via “unrelated image”) accused him of taking a bribe.
You know, I disagreed with Roger Ebert a LOT, but he had a great sense of humor.
to give some credit he wasnt bad in the very first year he started, before he went mainstream.. haha but how many things have ya heard that same thing said about them before.. and he has mentioned rlm sw reviews.. too… so but meh…
I have to give Jeremy Jahns some credit: in one of his Youtube reviews (the first and last I ever saw) he gave a ‘shout out’ to Red Letter Media, which is how I found my way here!
fork in the brain, fork in the brain ……..
You thought you’d have some time to breathe after the latest Marvel movie!
Well, NOPE! They’ve already got a trailer for the new Avengers film, coming soon!
Be sure to catch Avengers 2: Age of Digimon, at a theatre near you!
After seeing this I don’t feel so bad about the new Godzilla movie.
Hell, I don’t feel bad about the Matthew Broderick one anymore.
LOL Sometimes saying little means so much! I agree.
I’m so excited for Expendables 3: Expendabler
Geriatric Cameo: The Movie
Expendables 3: Somehow Worth Even Less
Expendables 3: Electric Expeendaloo
The point of the video wasn’t that all of these films are destined to be terrible. It was that all of these films are sequels, reboots and re-imaginings. It doesn’t create much excitement for the summer.
Dat slide whistle.
Shouldn’t it have slid upwards in pitch?
So, how’s Jay doing with the Captain America HITB editing? Can’t wait to listen to Rich Evan’s thoughts on it.
“What would the summer be without a bunch of loud fucking noise and confusion?! That’s why we have Transformers 4 coming up!” Mike and Jay just spoiled the whole movie!
-46.8 out of 5.0 because your heads didn’t explode Scanners-style at the end.
You’re talking a good critical game in this video, but when it comes time to review them on “Half in the Bag,” you’ll probably recommend 75% of them.
Ah, the wound of the Robocop review still stings and its bitter poison has not yet run its course. But, take heart, Colin from Canada can’t work on all of these movies.
It could be the Robocop review, or it could be Mike’s frankly unethical recommendation of Hercules: Pre Brett Ratner.
I’m over both of these by now.
You know being critical of something and critiquing something aren’t the same thing?
What’s the difference between the two, in your mind, and how does that difference apply to the original comment?
This is rather random [and long]. I just found this. I’ll have to reflect on it more [not sure if I entirely agree with it], but I’ve a feeling that RLM typically delves more into ‘critique’ than ‘criticism’, as they generally offer insight [or just guesses] as to why certain choices were made, why things work/don’t work, how they can be improved, what could be changed, etc. I think their deft blend of insight into such things as well as their dark, sardonic, deadpan, cheesy, purposely over-the-top humour is what make me so entertained by their content. Anyway, here’s what I found [and for reading this long post I'll treat everyone with an adorable image of Rich Evans in a police uniform]:
1. Some critics suggest that “critique” is all “criticism” which is concerned to explain how and especially why the problems and limitations it identifies in its object exist as they do: i.e. to explain what gives rise to and makes possible — indeed, at times, makes necessary — the existence of these problems and limitations. Critique, in other words, does not rest content with merely announcing that it finds object X to be problematic and limited in ways Y according to standards and criteria Z, but instead always proceeds beyond this to provide an explanation for why these problems and limitations exist — and persist — as they do. Criticism, therefore, includes “critique-al” as well as many “non-critique-al” methods and practices.
2. Other critics suggest that “critique” is roughly equivalent with what I have described above as “political criticism,” while “criticism” is roughly equivalent in turn with “moral criticism.”
3. Still others are even more precise than this in marking out a distinction between “critique” and “criticism.” These critics suggest that “critique” is concerned primarily with understanding an object sufficiently to enable its “transformation” (and not merely its reformation) by accounting for its dynamic connections with and determinations of and by other objects within a series or totality of related objects. “Critique” attempts to understand why an object is as it is so that it can be changed, most often in a fundamental or radical way so that it will be made something substantially new and different such that the “old object” is either substantially improved and enhanced or has been substantially transcended and superseded. “Criticism,” in contrast, is understood by these critics to remain content with passing “judgment” upon an object in a way which “reifies” the object, separating and freezing it in abstract isolation from its real and concrete relations with other objects. Criticism is not directly concerned with or interested in understanding so as to change its object.
Thanks. I’m aware the difference is subtle to the point of interchangeability and what distinction there may be is a matter of debate to the few who care. That was why I asked him what the difference was to him. You can’t start a really good argument until you agree on what words mean.
The OP clearly seems to think being critical in the negative sense is directly related to a critique of the movies where they recommend them. It is possible to be critical of the endless recycling in Hollywood without hating all the movies it produces, since the value of a movie is not binary and you can like some of the output while also lamenting the lack of new ideas that could have been more interesting.
If you need more help understanding the rather simple post, please subscribe to my newsletter and like my website “explaining things to 5 year olds”.
Pretty clever. You made me read all that and only revealed at the end that you’re a cunt. And we were getting along so well…
The point about banter is the back and forth. Just insulting someone directly is so crass.
You would be right had there been a back and forth instead of a hostile response to an honest question. Or is that all questions are hostile to you? None of this should indicate an objection to being called crass. By the way, the question was rhetorical and so, I hope, will not leave too deep a psychological scar.
I’m not sure if begrudgingly saying you should maybe see a movie, if you have nothing else to do, because it at least has a semblance of plot can really be considered a “recommendation.”
Well, that’s what RLM called it.
Why would they poke fun at this or that. “Let´s yell at the camera with some basic bad looking effects” is not exactly a one in a million idea. Granted, the best execution goes to RLM.
I do like 21 Jump Street.
I want you to ask yourself: Does it need a sequel?
Well, I liked Citizen Kane and would really appreciate if we could finally get the two hour shot of a grave, that they clearly teased.
Hey! They can even get Orson Welles to reprise his role!
DawnOTPOTA will top them all by great heights, hopefully.
Jay’s face and body language cracks me up. LOL It’s like he’s tripping out on something. Thumbs up you guys! You always seem to make me laugh at Hollywood’s moron movies.
It had been established that Jay is on crack actually
I think you are a lair.
I am definitely a lair. That reminds me that the fucking dragon hasn´t payed his rent this month!
Wow! You have a sense of humor? I wish other people on this site had one. Sometimes I think people don’t know the meaning of sarcasm.
I don’t know what site you’ve been on. Sometimes I actually feel like the cream of the internet gathers here. At least the regulars.
I have to agree. No one’s really an asshole here, which is more than I can say for most message boards.
There’s always at least one asshole lurking in the comments. Look around you…if you don’t see the asshole then guess who you are? The guy I’m standing behind. Boo. I’m the asshole.
I hear you’re lookin’ for an asshole and here I is standin’ on the corner the whole time. Now why’nt you just slide on over and let Ol’ Rooster sort your gray Asian ass out for you.
Oh, yeah, baby, now you got somethin’ f’everyone. Mm-mm.
Like looking into a mirror.
I am flattered, but I have to side with WrongFace. If you met assholes on here, please do not venture anywhere else on the interwebs.
We get invaded by dickbag battalions from time to time. But these incursions are rare and the invaders are terminated with extreme prejudice. Fighting a bunch of RLM addicts is like fighting a giant octopus who can read your mind.
Your comparison is fantastic, in every sense.
“Like wrestling a giant octopus who can read your mind?”
Well said, sir. All at once, you described the strength of RLM fans AND their obscene tentacle-porn addiction.
When is your first movie coming out? Oh yeah, you don’t have the balls or talent to make a movie.
What’s wrong with your face!
Calm the fuck down man, I was just posting in the spirit of rlm…
Okay, I thought you were attacking them? LOL
There’s only an Expendables 3? I thought we were up to Expendables 937.
someone needs to make a gif thing with mike just goin noo nooo nooo nooo over n over
ahh man i was lookin forward to the last airbender 2 what a rip
News just broke that the Goonies sequel is happening. When I tried to make the point of what a bad idea it was, the nerds just piled on me. I weep for this generation.
Every generation does. Goonies didn’t hold up for me.
What, the sequel or the original? I don’t mind the original myself, but I’m saying its always a bad idea to do all these reboots and sequels.
The original. Watched it recently. Not as good as it was when I was 10.
So, what you’re saying is, “Goonies R’N’T good enough for me”?
Ah, the ’80s.
Reagan, cocaine, free market neoliberalism … oh wait, I’m getting hard.
The Truffle Shuffle didn’t hold up? What the hell?
Nope. Couldn’t even get an erection.
The trick is to watch it in slow motion:
Who broke into my private webcam footage?
Summer Movie Round Up, Execution and Desert Burial.
I saw Jay make this face and I couldn’t NOT make this GIF.
Warning: May cause perma-boner.
Good thing Mike’s doing most of the talking because Jay’s expressions are hilarious. I mean, just look at him!
Ah, Jay’s famous O-face. Or, as he calls it, Duh-face.
So do you fawlks think they’ll be playing Summer-Movie-Catch-Up-Now this time around?
So when are you guys finally going to get around to making Feeding Frenzy 2?
Wait is that true about turtles not being screened? If so, that’s ridiculous.
Yes, it’s true that it’s absolutely ridiculous.
It is just recockulous.
It looks like Days of Future Past and Dawn of the Planet of the Apes will be considered good and it’s because of the actors involved.
As long as they get Troy McClure for the Charleton Heston role.
It was the part he was born to play, baby!
All I can say about that is, “CABLE BETTER BE IN IT!”
I don’t think Cable is in it, but they are developing both X-men Apocalypse as a sequel + an Xforce movie, so chances are good cable will show up soon.
Who should play him? Sean Bean?
Sean Bean? Are you kidding? Are you wanting Cable to die? LOL
Gawd! Why are so many sheeple hyped for that movie? It looks every bit as bad as GREEN LANTERN.
It’s directed by James Gunn?
Please hold, while I IMDb.
I don’t have any idea who James Gunn is. I thought he was the tranny in SILENCE OF THE LAMBS.
I admit, the only films of his I’ve seen are Slither and Super. I thought one was fun and the other really great.
James Gunn’s previous flicks were good as were the Abnett and Lanning Gotg comics, at least imo. I’m just happy I get to see Star-Lord in a movie.
And that’s how i feel about Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.
I think the world is big enough for both of us.
Guys! You guys! New Plinkett review coming soon!
There really is no movie I’m dreading more than the new Star Wars… especially after seeing Star Trek: Into Darkness. I have no faith in J.J. Abrams’ creative decisions.
I think, if there are any flaws, it’ll probably in weird editing decisions, like the ship rising out of the ocean at the beginning of the film, or the omission of that scene where Scotty bullshits his way through air traffic control. I think it’ll just be in small details that most people wouldn’t notice.
Overall, I don’t think it’ll be a terrible movie. It’ll probably fail to live up to A New Hope but that’s not really an issue.
I’m too drunk to make much sense, but I’ll touch my briefs on this.
I don’t give a shit about flaws. Give me all the flaws you got, I can take it. What I need is heart. Heart. Star Trek was crappy and campy and lame, but god damn, it had heart. It was about things that mattered. Moral dilemmas that are relevant whether you’re here in our time or in the future in space. Kirk over-acted, but he had the heart of an explorer, excited to reach out to the horizon. Picard had balls, courage to challenge the god-like Q with all the gusto he could muster, delivering his speeches like a Shakespearean actor. Lame, some might say… but it mattered. It mattered in my soul to hear it, to watch it. Something resonated with me. I could feel the passion for exploration, for discovery. The writers’ fascination with technology was palpable, not a joke like Into Darkness’ cold fusion device (it’s COLD get it? hurr). Star Trek used to matter, somewhere deep down. Deep down where we used to dream, as children, as human beings. How much longer do we have to make excuses for mediocre entertainment? How many Hollywood movies does it take to kill our dreams?
If I’m an idiot for not liking what you like, the so be it. I’ll be an idiot until the day I die. From alcohol poisoning…
I didn’t mind Star Trek 2009. I saw it as a riff on Star Trek or like a “what if?” story. “What if we took Star Trek and made it into a Baysian blockbuster?” Ok, haha, guys. That was kind of fun, but how about some real Star Trek now? “What if we take Wrath of Khan and turn it into a Baysian blockbuster?” Oh…this isn’t good. This is a pattern. No Star Trek on TV and some assholes in suits have taken its corpse, dressed it in bright colors and lens flares, and are pulling it around on strings Weekend at Bernies style. “Look, it’s Star Trek! See, it has phasers and warp engines/beer fermenters and Spock has all the emotional control of a teenage girl!” Just put it in the fucking ground already, it starting to stink.
Galaxy Quest had more “Star Trek” in it than the Abrams Treks.
Absolutely correct sir!
- Star Trek 2009 was a decent alternate reality / universe story line. That kind of thing has been done before in Trek.
- But Into Darkness had the terrible idea of jamming in the Wrath of Khan plot where it did not belong.
And that is the fault of Lindelof who made one dumb writing decision after another (as his commentary for the film shows).
I guess we should be grateful to Lindelof for helping to propel RLM’s fame, but MAN! He just doesn’t give a shit about anything he writes.
It was just Lindeof, not the other two? Cause I got the feeling that all three writers didn’t hold conferences and just did whatever.
@ Alan; Roberto Orci is the Trek expert among that creative team. And the story that he (and Kurtzman wrote) did not have Khan in it.
Then the studio brought in Lindelof to boost box office appeal. Lindelof came in with the Khan idea. He took responsibility for it in the commentary in the film.
Orci got overruled by Lindelof.
I have a feeling that Lindeof wrote the whole 3rd act of that movie, largely because it doesn’t seem to sync up with the rest of the movie on any level.
@ Alex; that is pretty much what happened. As the movie goes along Lindelof slowly takes over the story until the Kirk death scene where
I hated Star Trek 2009 then, and I hate it now. Why? Lens flares, shaky cam, quick cuts, poor acting, poor script, and again, poor directing.
Plus, changing the Kirk, Spock, and McCoy trio into a Kirk, Spock, and Uhura trio really annoys me! Give me more McCoy and sit Uhura back down in her DAMN CHAIR WHERE SHE BELONGS!
And, give me another smart script like the original Star Trek II: The Wrath of KHAAAAAANNNNN!
Eh, the lens flare argument is low-hanging fruit.
Actually, I didn’t really mind it or notice it (but my brain did) until everyone on the internet started bitching about it.
And God forbid Uhura playing a more active role. Yeah, it wasn’t executed the best way, but, c’mon– “sit her in her chair WHERE SHE BELONGS?”
That’s the disgruntled Star Trek fanboy equivalent of “get back in the kitchen.”
Having the background characters play a more active role could have been an area in which the new movies IMPROVED upon the original series… and they sort of squandered that opportunity by boiling them down to simplistic cartoon characters.
So you like the Uhura, gotta have a boyfriend, character. Really? You like the gripping black lady that whines and complains about her man? Haven’t we have enough of this reality Bachelor and Bachelorette crap? I want fantasy damn it!
Also, if Uhura was a professional, she’d keep her relationship from interfering with missions so that she can focus on them instead of acting like a prostitute.
The same goes for Captain Kirk. At least the “original” Captain Kirk only seduced women to save his crew or ship. The “new” Captain Kirk is just a jerk and sex addict.
“So you like the Uhura, gotta have a boyfriend, character.”
Nnnnno. I was disagreeing with your statement that she needs to completely remain on the sidelines. I SAID her character development wasn’t executed in the best way.
“I want fantasy damn it!”
Yeah, okay, fantasy is good.
“I can only accept so much fantasy.”
Okay, you made me laugh. You win.
Uhura-Spock thing was a problem for me, too. As her instructor, their relationship was, at the very least, unethical and more than likely a violation of regulations. That they were clearly hiding the relationship only emphasizes its illicit nature and is about as un-Vulcan as you can get without crying tears of rage and yelling “Khan!” at no one.
I remember sitting in the theater and briefly thinking, “Oh, the lighting people screwed up on that shot…and that one…oh…oh my.” Then the full horror of it overcame me.
Okay, the lens flares did bother me a little. Probably not as much as some, but some of those instances were rather glaring. (Which is, I suppose, the point of lens flares. But WHY?)
That scene where Kirk was running through the Enterprise to warn everyone they were heading into a trap was especially irritating with the flashes. I almost instinctively said, “Wait, I blinked,” because it felt like someone was taking my picture or something.
Hence the adjective Baysian. I don’t own Star Trek, I’ll never watch it again, but it was amusing to see Kirk and Spock perverted into caricatures and go off on an absurd fantasy adventure. Once. It may also be important to an understanding of my opinion that I was never a fan of the original series and so that may have allowed me to be more forgiving. If someone tried turning Picard into an action hero joke I’d…oh.
Really? Disney is rushing a Star Wars movie to theaters so it can earn back some of those billions and you think the only flaws it will have will be in the “small details that most people wouldn’t notice”? Just looking at the history of Star Wars movies there is 66% chance of this being shit. The addition of JJ Abrams just means it will be shit with lens flares, over the top characterization, and massive plot holes.
JJ Abrams-”an effective director,” if uninspired-v. George Lucas, the M. Night Shamalyan of his generation, so I think we’re fine in terms of action.
Now for the difference between Into Darkness v. Star Wars. Abrams has never liked Star Trek, ever, presumably on every level, given how on The Daily Show, he said it was “too philosophical.” As a result, he clearly delegated it to the Transformers writers and hoped that Lindeof would check some of the dumbness of the story, but failing to designate a head writer to align the writers into a single, cohesive story.
For Episode VII, he is actively writing the script and working with Lawrence Kasdan, so he’s 1) Actually interested in the project and 2) Is working with a fairly competent writer. So I’m fairly sure that the movie will not be the cascading disaster the Prequel Trilogy is.
I will agree that, set side by side, the next Star Wars will be objectively better than the prequels in every way.
“It’s like screwing up mashed potatoes. You boil the water, you pour the packet-”
Harry S. Plinkett.
I don’t know. I don’t have any faith in Hollywood studios since intelligence has vanished.
I’m still trying to figure out the praise that Abrams gets.
I do get your point but I wish instead of complaining you would focus on being exited by the original movies that are coming out like Neighbors, A Million Dollar Arm, A Million Ways Die in the West, Edge of Tomorrow, The Fault In Our Stars, Jersey Boys, Tammy, Jupiter Ascending, Get On Up, Guardians of the Galaxy, The Hundred-Foot Journey, Lucy, If I Stay, Jane Got A Gun etc. that are also coming out in summer and look pretty good.
Hollywood keeps making more sequels and remakes because they make more money than originals. And they make more money than originals because they have more brand recognition. People keep talking abut the sequels and do not even notice the other movies coming out. I used to be angry with sequels too, but you know, you really do not have to watch them. I really can not blame Hollywood for making sequels if that is what people wish to see, and they apparently do since they make the most money. The tentpoles studios make get them money to take risks and fund more artsy films. What we can complain about its if the movies they make are not any good.
Oh sure, “instead of complaining,” just say nice things about everything.
Hey, Jon Stewart, Bill Maher, why not focus on the good things about politics? Hey, Monty Python, SNL, Mr. Show, you’re focusing too much on the negative aspects of society! Hey, George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Dave Chappelle, why don’t you be more like Jerry Seinfeld and Larry the Cable Guy? Scathing social satire hurts my feelings!!!!
Ohhhhhh, I wouldn’t put Seinfeld on Larry the Cable Guy’s level.
I may have gone too far in a few places…
“You go from… lamenting the loss of George Carlin to saying that Jerry Seinfeld is like Larry the Cable Guy.”
(Dixon Bawls’s editor attempts to explain pacing to Dixon Bawls… but he realizes that he isn’t getting anywhere and just gives up.)
No, but seriously, you were right. The original/unoriginal ratio is waaaaaaaaay off, and we shouldn’t just accept it while this level of hackery plagues the industry.
Oh, dear. I forgot about “A Million Ways to Die in the West.”
I mean… that’s only about as “original” as a Seth MacFarlane production CAN be.
And isn’t “The Fault in Our Stars” based on a book by John Green? THAT’S not original, either.
The Fault In Our Stars doesn’t look very promising, either. I’ve read the book and liked it quite a bit, but there’s a lot of online trepidation about the adaptation. It’ll probably do very well because of a large YA fan base, but I don’t think It will be good.
Waitaminute… Isn’t “Jersey Boys” just a film version of the Broadway musical?
Of course, that’s not as bad as what happened with “Hairspray”: an art film that was turned into a Broadway musical, which was then turned into a big studio film starring John Travolta. If someone went ahead and made a sequel to that, and then turned the sequel into a Broadway musical it would be like staring into a tesseract of hackfraudery.
Guardians of the Galaxy is based on a comic. I mean…come on, it’s not as obscure as Cowboys and Aliens or Men in Black either.
Just discoverd that “Edge of Tomorrow” is also based on a comic book. Not so terrible, I suppose. I don’t know jack-crap about comic books, and wouldn’t have known this was one, either. And it isn’t, from what I can tell, a superhero story… so there’s at least that.
The practice of Hollywood adapting books into films has been around forever, and doesn’t really bug me. The rampant cannibalization and dumbing down of old, great original films does. Watching a remade film is not like watching a new production of a play – it’s more like digging up a time capsule and finding someone else’s shit there, with a note that reads “Fuck you”, or opening an old photo album to find that the part of your dear, departed parents will now be played by Mark Wahlberg and Ke$ha.
And it’s confusing for the new generation, who are likely to experience the inferior copycat film before they see the source (if they even see it at all). Their nostalgia will be chained to pure dogshit, through no fault of their own, and they’ll be trained to think that being a mindless copycat or thief is superior to hard work, originality, innovation and creativity. That’s a problem in every generation, but what’s happening in film right now is basically hammering their brains flat with this message.
Now, I hate children was much as the next guy, but the truth is we’ll have to live with these little assholes! They’ll be running shit in a decade or two, and their foundation benchmark for success will be pukefests like Transformers 19 and The Incomparable Spiderman build 4.01b.
The greatest document I’ve ever seen illustrating this loss of knowledge, speaking of plays, is Wallace Shawn’s “The Designated Mourner”, which Shawn adapted into a film in 1996, with Mike Nichols voicing over the opening as JACK, the last person on earth who remembers that which is worth remembering . . .
“The designated mourner. I am the designated mourner. I have to tell you that a very special, little world has died, and I am the designated mourner. Oh yes, you see, it’s an important custom in many groups and tribes. Someone is assigned to grieve, to wail, and light the public ritual fire. Someone is assigned when there is no one else.”
The story is too elliptical to be well-made in the technical sense, yet it’s my absolute favourite play, probably the play of our age, and for sure the creepiest thing, bar none, that I’ve ever seen on film.
I guess my thoughts turn more towards Bradbury and Orwell, to Lindelof-ian firemen and wars with Eastasia. What’s happening to film isn’t exactly “totalitarian”. It does have the creepy vibe of a one-sided conversation, crafted by an unassailable committee on an island shaped like a skull. But it’s also got a hilariously absurd Terry Gilliam vibe to it.
For instance, the post-production hijinks of the “Red Dawn” remake, where they re-shot and re-edited the film to change all the Chinese soldiers into Norks. When I read about that, I immediately thought of the next innovation: shoot the Red Dawn Re-Re-Make, and have all the soldiers wear green-screen uniforms and carry green-screen flags. That way, the distributors can just customize the villain du jour to the needs of their local market! It would even be update-able, in case a selected antagonist gets wiped off the map in a nuclear exchange or something.
Yeah, it’s bad but it’s not that bad; it’s not totalitarian. But if ever I foresee a materially bad turn, say, the customising of villains – brilliant, btw! – I cannot find it hilarious.
It’s like with religion: the time to oppose religion is after it seizes political power and vilifies the findings of science and art, which the religionists could not have discovered and would be disinclined to restore to working order after making them immoral and illegal.
Similarly, today’s movie studios tell stories in defiance of the well-made play’s first principles, and once that knowledge is lost, not even by criminal law but just by civil custom, no one in charge today could bring it back, even if they wanted to.
But, then, there’s the promise of our internet age: that knowledge and the inclination to originality persists within people who aren’t in charge.
And, so, as long as I can foresee a materially good change, e.g., RLM’s next turning point – just don’t ask me what or when that might be – I’m content to come here, fuck around, and indulge all manner of absurdity, not even sweating “When’s the next Plinkett?” as I know that the next good turn will come eventually – this, even though my first inclination is, as in most things, to be serious.
Sure. The time to oppose *any* institution is when it seizes and centralizes power, and starts vilifying every other kind. Even poor Jorge knew this timeless, anti-authoritarian truth — once upon a time, in a galaxy far away.
As for the rest, I believe “Tears For Fears” had the best answer, and that the weapons are closer to hand than most of us think.
I’m very exited about all those movies. So exited, in fact, I won’t even enter.
It’s not that sequels make more money than originals, they most often do not. It’s that they are almost always a reliable bet in a chaotic business. If you have $50M, are you going to invest it into the new property with no proven audience, or the old property that has a built in audience and name recognition? In a business where one bad movie can bankrupt a studio or end dozens of careers, you take the sure bets where you can.
I liked, commented, and subscribed! YOLO LOL! Gotta have dat swag!
In text, no-one can hear your sarcasm.
Heh heh heh. Good. Use your aggressive feelings, boys. Let the hate flow through you.
“Gives you focus.”
Hollywood will pay for its lack of VISION.
I think you mean “earn”. We’ll pay.
There won’t even be a ‘Force’ involved, We’ll go to the theaters willingly.
Well, not until the Hollywood Protection Act passes anyway.
“Use this ET doll. Show us with your glowing finger where Hollywood touched you.”
The matrix trilogy sucked. Well the first was pretty good but there’s no other movie that’s as overrated. 2nd and 3rd are poison.
V for Vendetta was shit. Speed Racer? Cloud Atlas was a slog to watch -true true fru fru.
If it’s like the rest it’ll be uranus rising.
Yep…I hate most Michael Bay movies. The only movie I liked of his was the Island. I said…liked. His camera work still sucked in that movie but the actors held me to my seat.
When’s the next Plinkett sequel coming out?
not long my friend. not long.
That was my favourite name, but Slab Bulkhead is growing on me.
I’ve been drinking: Since this could very well be the start of another long content drought, maybe we should start a contest where we predict what Hollywood might ruin next, via sequel, prequel, remake, reboot, re-imagining or otherwise vandalizing an older work of art.
And, hey, maybe I just started it?
I’ve always though of Unforgiven as a spiritual sequel to The Outlaw Josey Wales. In fact, I’ve watched them back-to-back and pretended that Josey just changed his name to William Munny, settled down, and started a family.
If Hollywood simply cannot be original, they could at least be a little more creative. There’s a difference between drawing a nude model from life and tracing from a Playboy magazine. Both are technically “copying.” But dammit, Hollywood is TRACING PLAYBOY MAGAZINES!
Hollywood has already done GOTW sequels and other Oz stories. There have even been parasitical versions of Casablanca.
We Barsoomian fans finally got John Carter, but it largely sucked. But how about some new Flash Gordon or Buck Rogers. Those properties haven’t been remade in more than 20 years.
Okay, I give. Wtf is “GOTW”?
Rebooting Flash Gordon is a distinct possibility, I agree. It’ll be a dark, gritty reboot though; instead of a football player he’ll be a CIA assassin, or a Navy SEAL assassin, or a rebel assassin in a war against Ayn Rand’s cyber-ghost and her T-PRT allies, fighting to free the 99% from the tyranny of having to make their own decisions.
And no matter what, Flash will be wearing a darker version of his costume, and it’ll have that webbing all over it.
It’s gonna be great.
Sorry, should have been GWTW. I had another surgery on Monday and am still on f’cking drugs.
Ah, OK. Feel better, man.
Thanks. I’m actually feeling a lot better, having shed a ton of kidney stones.
Getting back to work is proving difficult. Why can’t I have a job like Mike & Jay’s?
Deliverance 2: The Squealquel.
D3liv3ranc3: 2Special 2Deliver
Of course Hollywood is giving us a bunch of sequels, reboots, prequels, remakes, re-tellings, retreads, etc. You know why?
‘Cause THEY DON’T FUCKING CARE!
Well as Rich Evans so aptly pointed out last year…
Because OF COURSE Rich Evans speaks in Comic Sans.
Haha good catch NH! I specifically always use comic sans when making these because of the Amazing Bulk Best of the Worst!
What’s worse is that the audience doesn’t fucking care either. Hence, why so many Batman movies exist, or why Quentin Tarantino’s still making movies.
What’s so bad about QT movies? I can always count on the man to deliver an entertaining movie.
I’m saying that you can’t really call ‘Fault in our Stars’ ORIGINAL. I no problems with adapting books– I’m just saying it’s not THAT far removed from the exploitations of pre-established stories that Mike and Jay are talking about in this video.
aaah.. gotcha. thanks.
That’s because it’s done by those idiots that made the Matrix movies, and those movies fucking sucked and the only people who liked them are idiots.
So…you came to your senses?
Next thing you know, Hollywood will want to reboot Battlestar Galatica?
Didn’t they already do that? And it turned out to be a huge success?
Not with a Battlestar Galactica movie, but they are now. And guess who is the main writer? “Transcendence” writer Jack Paglen has signed on to write the screenplay, and he has also committed to Ridley Scott’s “Prometheus” sequel for Fox that will start production this fall.
I just don’t see how a story about the last surviving people fighting a war against robots (or lizards depending on which version) can have an end to it, at least, one that can come about in 2 hours (cause I have a feeling it’s going to go over the 90 minute mark).
I agree. I don’t believe it could end unless either all humans or the cylons were killed. And we really don’t want to see any of those endings.
The only remake I want to see is The Burbs staring:
Mike as Ray Peaterson
Jessi as Carol Peaterson
Rich Evans as Art
Wizard as Lt. Rumsfield
The ghost girl as Mrs. Rumsfield
The asshole hipster as Ricky the next door neighbor
Jack as Dr. Klopek
Rich Evans as Plinkett as Walter
Jay to direct and play Hans Klopek
Why is nobody mentioning the Leprechaun reboot, starring WWE Superstar™ “Hornswaggle?”
Talking about the expendables. I wonder how old Schwarzenegger and Stallone will before they stop making action movies. I can just imagine them in their 90′s in walkers while a big explosion takes place behind them.
I don’t know why, but that sounds fucking awesome! It could be called “Geriatric Commandos” and would feature gratuitous “youth abuse” wherein pie-faced young men get their shit ruined by an enemy that only the “Old Ass Bastard Corps” can stop!
…I just pulled that out of my ass! See, Hollywood? New ideas aren’t that hard! I should get paid for this, doing their damn jobs for ‘em…
I’d be okay with a reboot to the classic Baby’s Day Out saga.
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I’m pretty sure Mike said Platinum Dooms instead of Dunes.
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