Rich and Mike Talk: Disney’s Star Wars Han Solo Movie Terrible Ideas

July 18, 2017193 Comments

Rich and Mike guess at what terrible ideas will be in the new Han Solo™ stand alone adventure by Disney’s™ Star Wars™!

Filed in: Short FilmsVlogs

  • Oh! I did it you guys!

  • Mike Magnum

    Has anyone seen the guy playing Han Solo in anything else. It feels like they got him from the Actors Bargain Bin or something.

  • EJ

    He was actually one of the better parts of “Hail Caesar.”

  • Mike – what is that instrumental around 13 minutes in? That sounds like a bangin-ass beat, dude.

  • Jones

    He sure won’t fire first. That’d be alienist.

  • Andrew Carter

    I would just do a remake of Goodfellas – in SPAAAAAAAAAAACEEE !!! After gay newlyweds Han and Chewy join the galactic witness protection program to testify against Greedo (Joe Pesci) and Boba Fett (DeNiro), just like Henry Hill they fall back into their old ways and start running drugs and slaves for Jabba the Hutt (Pauli) again, until they end up hiding out in a shady cantina on Tattooine (New Jersey).

  • EJ

    How much nerd energy and time has been wasted on explaining the Kessel Run? All because Lucas wouldn’t admit he didn’t know what a parsec is?

    It was the 70s. It was super common for sci-fi movies to use light years as if they were a measurement of time, and Lucas probably read something about a parsec being 3.26 light years, and just put it in the script. I mean, you couldn’t just google this shit back then, you had to schlep down to the library and page through some hard-ass physics textbook. I don’t blame the guy.

    But no, you’ve got some complicated bullshit about how it’s actually the shortest route, not the speediest, even though Obi-Wan’s question is “Is it a fast ship?” and not “Are you a good navigator?”

  • EJ

    “As far back as I can remember, I wanted to be a spice smuggler.”

    This totally rules. Shoulda just got Scorsese to direct the young Han Solo movie.

  • Steven Gibbs

    Since a parsec is a unit of distant and not time, maybe that means they take the most direct route i.e. the most likely place police would monitor.

    For example if you’re smuggling something from Michigan to Florida, I75 goes straight there and it’s the shortest route BUT it’s the most likely place police would monitor. Therefore you’d have to have a really fast ship to take the most direct route, and thus it makes the kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.

  • Zach

    The A.C. Crispin trilogy rules. Screw you guys.

  • EJ

    Just stop. Lucas didn’t know what a parsec is. End of.

    Whole generations of nerds have wasted their time coming up with complicated explanations and it’s not worth it.

  • Steven Gibbs

    I literally just thought of this while watching RLM but ok you’re right I’m just trying to defend George Lucas lol and this is the product of generations of nerds lol

  • Andy James

    Congratulations on finally fucking that pineapple.

  • Adez

    I’m a big Phil Lord and Chris Miller fan, but eh Ron Howard’s Rush was pretty good

    I think most auteur directors are gonna avoid Disney, and they would just get Brett Ratners or any indie director to push around

    I’m dissapointed not using the same lame kid Solo pic of the Plinkett Sith review

  • Adez

    I hope for the Sopranos theme

  • Ret Marut

    No no-no no no no-no.

  • Bubs

    Here’s how the “12 parsecs” thing should be explained.

    Uncle Woody is actually the captain of the Falcon. And at some point this exchange of dialogue takes place:

    “Han: This thing looks like a piece of junk.” (get it?)
    “Woody: Hey hey, this is the ship that made the Kessel run in 12 parsecs.”
    “Han:… What the fuck does that even mean?”
    “Woody: I don’t know. It’s just something I like to say. Usually impresses people.”

    This lets Han learn something from big papa Woody, explains away what is already a very stupid line, and sets Han up as a guy who kinda just makes shit up sometimes. So it won’t be in the film.

  • Duckler

    Two out of two fat, jaded assholes are right about the next needless Starwars movie. It’s like prose. It should have stopped after it made its point.

  • Duckler

    Oh my god that’s right! I’d totally be okay with a Hobie Doyle origin story.

  • EJ

    Would that itwere so simple.

  • EJ

    In fairness your off the cuff explanation is better than the complicated nonsense about black holes you usually hear.

  • RedLetterMediumsDotCorn

    These may well be self-fulfilling prophecies! Some assistant writer’s fuck boy’s butler’s crotch jockey is gonna see this and suggest it to the upper echelons.

  • EJ

    IIRC that’s part of the famous fan theory that R2 and Chewbacca are the real masterminds of the whole Star Wars story – Chewie basically lets Han run his mouth because it suits his purposes if everyone thinks he’s just a big dumb wookie, but really he’s the brains of the operation.

  • Studio Executive

    I told them to add a smuggler base in an asteroid belt to milk that sweet sweet Empire Strikes Back nostalgia, but everybody and their PA was giving them notes so it might have gotten lost in the shuffle. Either way, I’ve got my piece of the backend!

  • bill

    The kessel run in the books I read was a set path between a cluster of black holes. it was great since he made the run in a shorter “distance” by going closer to more black holes and outrunning the empire… or someone.

    The record was always referenced like it was time but they tied it up nice by making it an area in space where you had real obstacles you couldnt just go around since the distance was so great to avoid them.

  • Bruce

    I can’t wait for the scene where baby Han Solo is playing with a toy Corellian freighter, while his mom reads him a fairy tale. Afterwards he will tell his mom that one day he will save and marry a princess and she will laugh and people will clap. Then they will remember Han’s marriage ended in divorce, the romance was a sham and his son stabbed him with a lightsaber. Hopefully they have a feel good comedy scene after that where the rodger rodger droids make Han an orphan to pick the audience back up.

  • Imaf

    I have one word that solves the parsec problem. Midichlorians.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    **shoots laptop with blaster**

    Boring conversation anyway. LUKE!!! WE GOT COMPANY!!!

  • RLMkeepitup

    meanwhile Irvin Kershner can no longer drive himself to the store for milk

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Blue milk?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    My money is on Alan Smithee directing this.

  • RLMkeepitup

    have you seen those star wars encyclopedias? nerd energy is limitless!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    And lots of Space Cocaine.

  • RLMkeepitup

    midichlorians is the perfect example of overexplaining something that didn’t need to be done. now this expanded universe will make entire films about things we never needed to know or be shown.

  • Terriosaurus Hex

    If they don’t include a masturbation pun referencing his name and lonely lifestyle in the film, I will be bitterly disappointed by their unusual restraint.

  • frankelee

    Plot Twist!

    They all die in the end.

  • RLMkeepitup

    your tastebuds can’t repel a proven intellectual property of this magnitude!

  • Bubs

    Spoilers: Han’s real name is actually Han Duo, and he has a twin brother who dies at the climax of the movie. Hence the name change. Ba dum TSH!

  • pentagram_sam

    Theyre gonna fuck up fucking Lando these motherfucking fuckers can fuck a fuckiing fuck in a pile of fuck

    Colt 45 4lyfe, fuck off abercrombie douche

  • Anthony D.

    You hacks forgot to speculate on how they’re going to shoehorn a C-3PO and R2-D2 cameo into this.

  • Anthony D.

    That’s actually a really good idea, only it would make more sense if Lando said it considering he’s the one that owns the ship before Han.

  • Studio Executive

    Sounds more like a “My Blue Heaven” remake.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Little known fact, space cocaine is blue.

  • PrinceFroggy

    You didn’t discuss whether or not Han “shoots first” in the movie. They’ll definitely reference it – Disney knows how much the fans care about it. My guess? Someone (Boba Fett?) will shoot Han in cold blood (oh yeah, to steal back Slave I!), and that’s how Han learns that lesson.

  • A scene where we see Lando in negotiations with the cantina band who have just come off stage after playing their one song.

    “You guys are going all the way to the top. Give me a call if you ever need a manager.”

  • Joe Syxpac

    Han and Boba Fett will be in a threesome and that’s where the legend of “Han shoots first” will begin.

  • Spoiled Ants

    It would be great to harness that energy which goes hand in hand with the wasted masturbatory energy. If we put some scientists on that and figure it out, we could turn this world into paradise like in Orson Well’s 1984.

  • Spoiled Ants

    Did the guy at 1:28 describe the latest Star Wars film with goosebuns? And is that a reference to George Lucas’ XXX-rated cut of Howard the Duck?

    (People will disagree but Rich’s t-shirt is the biggest middle finger in that whole video)

  • Thrashred

    Han Solo wins the millennium falcon from Lando in a game of 1 on 1 basketball after Woody Harrelson teaches Han that white men can lightspeed jump.

  • Bubs

    If we could harness the energy generated from masturbation, one day’s worth could power the earth for a thousand years.

  • Eternal_Turnip

    Is it cool to still like the originals? What about TFA? Am I OK to be excited about episode 8? Can someone email me at idontgiveafuck@fuckyou.com

  • IRONMANAustralia

    6:05 The red stripe on his pants will be from a uniform he once wore. Like he was a Colonel in the Corellian military, but got kicked out for disobeying unlawful orders, and punching out a superior officer who was acting immorally. He might have been falsely accused of being a traitor. He left just before the Empire took over the planet and/or outlawed and/or wiped out the entire Corellian Space Army. He now wears still wears the pants of a Corellian Colonel as in memory/tribute to his fallen comrades/planet and/or just as part of his identity.

    He met Chewbacca in prison who was also innocent and a victim of Space Racism™. On his home planet Wookies are second-class citizens and seen as animals, (possibly because they keep ripping people’s arms out of their sockets over board games). That’s why the officer on the Death Star, (who is possibly also Corellian), looked down his nose at Chewbacca and said, “Where are you taking this … thing?” So Han Solo is brave enough to be seen in the company of a Wookie even though it makes him a social outcast because he’s a good guy who is so Progressive and totally not Space Racist™. He’s basically like the dentist in ‘Django Unchained’.

    Originally posted in Youtube comments over 10 hours ago, but throttled and shadowbanned by Kikes and CIA niggers, so reposting here.

  • IRONMANAustralia

    Han will be trying to escape the Empire and run outside into a crowded street on Tatooine. A bunch of stormtroopers will separate revealing Darth Vader’s new Sith apprentice Starkiller, who will perform some threatening and fancy lightsabre moves. Han will casually pull out his blaster and shoot him down with one shot.

    This explains why Vader is in the market for a new apprentice in the original trilogy.

    Also why he tells Luke that “a good blaster at your side” is better than all the Jedi “nonsense” – because he knows firsthand.

    Originally posted in Youtube comments over 10 hours ago, but throttled and shadowbanned by Kikes and CIA niggers, so reposting here.

  • IRONMANAustralia

    28:36 When Han Solo throws away the lightsabre, he’ll say something like, “Much too civilised”, (because he’s an uncivil smuggler dontchaknow?)

    Originally posted in Youtube comments over 10 hours ago, but throttled and shadowbanned by Kikes and CIA niggers, so reposting here.

  • IRONMANAustralia

    24:30 No it will be much worse than that. Han will get into a bar fight, and he will be the one who fucks up the guy’s face originally. Then it will be implied that the reason the guy with the fucked up face is there that day, (in ‘A New Hope’), is that he came back after his long recovery to look for Han to get his revenge, (but he doesn’t because Obi-Wan lightsabres his arse). Also when Han is in the barfight, Chewbacca will be fighting Fuckedface’s partner with the buttface in the background.

    So if FuckedFace had only happened to walk around the cantina a bit beforehand he would have run into Han Solo sitting in his booth, he would have avoided Obi-Wan, and Han would be dead.

    Also if you take a look at the manner in which his face is fucked up, he’s a good candidate victim for Lando’s Carbonite Freeze Gun™.

    Originally posted in Youtube comments over 10 hours ago, but throttled and shadowbanned by Kikes and CIA niggers, so reposting here.

  • IRONMANAustralia

    Somewhere in Hollywood some HACK FRAUDS are watching this video upset they didn’t think of these ideas, and how it’s too late to change the even worse schlock they actually wrote.

    Originally posted in Youtube comments over 10 hours ago, but throttled and shadowbanned by Kikes and CIA niggers, so reposting here.

  • IRONMANAustralia

    Funny you ask. It has been estimated that over 50,000 jigavolts of nerd energy have been expended explaining the Kessel Run.

    How’s that for Sperg-bait?

  • Magnus Ironfist

    If that scene does appear in the movie, where he throws the lightsaber away—I’ll bet he’ll say “no match for a good blaster at your side” and the audience will jizz themselves because they remember that line from the first movie.

  • Andy James

    There are big Phil Lord and Chris Miller fans? Who knew?

  • Andy James

    I almost want these to not be deleted. Almost.

  • oh boy hope you are okay after this ordeal you’re going through

  • Kid, I’ve flown from one side of this galaxy to the other, and I’ve seen a lot of strange stuff, but I’ve never seen *anything* to make me believe that there’s one all-powerful Force controlling everything. ‘Cause no mystical energy field controls *my* destiny. It’s all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense.

    Han has the jedi with him who does a lot of cool force stuff when Han is always comically looking the other way. e.g. han will shoot a gun at a storm trooper just as the jedi force pushes a giant boulder on to their heads.
    Han looks at his gun like “wow I did that”
    lots of really stupid comedy moments like that where the joke gets overplayed.
    maybe the jedi also helps him escape from this kessel jail cell with chewy but he never realises it

  • yes! strong mum is so Disney!

  • Casey D. Mann

    I have been saying mostly the same thing. For FanService, you HAVE to have:
    The Kessel run
    – Obtaining the Falcon
    – Meeting – and obtaining life debt with – Chewbacca
    – Lando gets double-crossed at the end by Han… but it might be a double-cross that Lando doesn’t understand “was for the better good” or something. A sacrificial double-cross, making Lando think he’s a no good double-crossing swindler.
    – Cheap references to the first movie(s) as an homage/call-back, but will be pointless and/or annoying.
    It’s just too easy to fill in a movie based on single-sentence back story comments from the originals. Too easy, and cheap.

  • Casey D. Mann

    yeah, Han Solo (’cause he likes to watch), A princess that’ll wanna Leia, while a tall harry bastard will be standing there with a Chewie.

  • ’twere!

  • Poopfeast420

    This is one of the best things you’ve done in a while RLM, more of this and less of everything besides HITB please

  • RiverDevil

    I don’t think they can do less plinkett

  • andychrist

    while getting ready for the kessel run they will set out a practice course involving planets , debris , asteroids , black holes …. and during it woody the barman will say “not bad , but you need to get closer to the big ones”

  • Gerald Potterton

    What’s holding up the War of the Planet of the Apes review?

  • RLMkeepitup

    we’re making lists like its an adam sandler routine and we know what’s coming

  • RLMkeepitup

    some of us jizz at the opening title crawl thank you very much

  • Tommy Wiseau

    Is Rich and Mike talk replacing Nerd Crew? See Tommy made a joke.
    If Jormes Francor get an Oscar for be Tommy, I will kill him. No lie.

  • Andy James

    I just jizzed at your reminding me of the opening title crawl.

  • DRP103

    We hired the directors because they are unique and very creative, and we hope they bring a style all their own to the Han Solo movie — now do exactly as we say….

    Hey you’re not doing what you’re told!!! YOU’RE FIRED!!

    Who’s running this galaxy?

  • EJ

    Well, the style of music the Cantina Band plays is called “Jizz.” I wish I was making that up.

  • Robert Allen

    I came up with this one. Han will have a bad run in with Greedo, a betrayal or something, then we’ll get this back and forth.

    Greedo: See you around Solo.
    Han: Not if I shoot you first.

    The crowd will clap until their hands are bloody because they know that’s a Star Wars thing people talk about.

  • The Institute Movie

    Do you think they’ll shoehorn in Lando’s little maneuver at the Battle of Taanab?

  • Brian Levine

    You know that we’re going to see Han make his special modifications to the Falcon that allows it to make .5 past lightspeed and win the Kessel Run.

    Someone will beat Chewbacca at chess and Chewie will pull their arms out of their sockets.

    Luke will be closer to 10 when they bump into each other.

  • LameSame

    For dudes who are really tired of Star Wars, you sure love talking about Star Wars.

  • LameSame

    The Empire.

  • Tallest Skil

    Hey, guys, there’s some decent potential for parody work between Bye Bye Man and this new film called Baa Baa Land. I’d be interested to see what you can do with it.

  • LameSame

    I don’t think a cross-parody of the two could ever work out. Bye Bye Man is just too boring.

  • DanceOfBirther

    Best avatar or best avatar of all time?

  • Dustin Scarsdale

    Where’s the Transformers 5 review?

    and while you’re at it, throw in War for the Planet of the Apes….

  • Gallen Dugall

    The movie does raise the hope that they’ll finally reveal who this Ben character was that had such a huge impact on Han’s life that he decided to name his only child after them.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    “All those ideas are terrible! I need the script in 3 days.” — Cocaine-addled Hollywood exec

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Avatar / comment synergy is off the charts!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    The perils of provoking the problematic patriarchy.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Not unless Plinkett goes on a diet.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    This discussion thread needs a squeegee.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Only if C3PO can watch.

  • Joe Syxpac

    I predict Han’s back story will be almost identical to Peter Quill’s. He’ll be kidnapped by aliens and forced to work on a smuggler ship by Jabba who will make multiple references to when he saved him from being eaten by other aliens.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    That’s a terrible idea. How does a three picture deal sound, kid?

  • Joe Syxpac

    Only three?

    I thought this idea was bad enough for five at least.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    We’ll see how your Stars Wars movie does in China, then we’ll talk. Would you like some fair trade cocaine?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Deckard is a Replicant?

  • Joe Syxpac

    Only if it’s blue.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    They should have gotten Hansel Yogurt to play Hands Sold-out.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Also, the Jedi that Han has to smuggle in carbonite will be Yoda.

  • Movie Wan Kenovie

    I demand the origin story of Lando’s moustache.

  • Movie Wan Kenovie

    Also can’t wait for the scene where Uncle Woody meets the Wookie Muncher.

  • Dragonknightleader

    Vader will be in one scene, but he’ll order Starkiller from The Force Unleashed video games to do all the actual work so that they can have an elaborate commercial for the new Force Unleashed 3 game for Xbone and PS4 in the movie itself.

  • Spoiled Ants

    Thank you, I wore out three therapists already. It’s a heavy burden indeed. The amount of free content and entertainment one has to watch is simply overwhelming. I can only hope my kids won’t have two go through some ordeal, god help us all.

  • JCLAY

    I think you left out a few iconic Han moments they’ll need to shoehorn in, but this was a… boring conversation, anyways.

  • JCLAY

    They’ll probably save that for the Lando stand alone, but I bet it gets referenced.

  • Roger Sterlings Lucky Strikes

    Unless I missed it, there has to be a scene where we find out why Chewbacca hates SPACE CHESS!!!!

  • well said

  • ima420r

    I didn’t care to see the movie but I am kinda into it now. I wanna see how much they muck it up.

  • EJ

    It needs that “SPLAT” sound effect that RLM loves to use.

  • Movie Wan Kenovie

    Oh, how I miss the Lucas’ days when terrible ideas took time, love and care…

  • Tallest Skil

    What about Bye Bye Man, Baa Baa Land, AND La La Land?

    And then Dada Bhagwaan, of course.

  • TheVerySpecialK

    He steps over the dying jedi after the escape, feels something under his foot, but is like, “nah, no time to look” and keeps walking as a laugh track plays.

  • Wouldn’t Han Solo NOT hide things under the floor if hiding things under the floor got his parents killed?

  • Michael

    Things that will be in: Kessel Run, woody as father figure, betrayal by complicated female, falcon bet, han meets and saves chewie.

    Things I doubt: Jabbas missing cargo (probably left for han solo 3 coming to a theater near you 2027, though I agree with RIch that he may end up working with jabba at the end of this one). Bumping into Luke. I could see a shoehorned Obi-wan walks by on tatooine though.

  • Cakefarts

    Monkeys looked fake. Hated it.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Maybe because Han was unaware of his parent’s smuggling operation he happened across the loose floorboards and took it upon himself to bolt them down. When their ship was boarded by the Empire his parents were unable to hide their contraband in time and got caught.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    This literally gave me the Kessel Runs.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    He kept all of his Twilek space pornos beneath the floor of the Millennium Falcon.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    John Williams will need to write some 70s dirty movie music to accompany such an origin story.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    How did you get Steve Bannon’s personal email address?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I nominate you Grand Poobah of the Internet Optimists Club.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    In reality, Woody was using the Millennium Falcon as a giant bong.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    William Shatner: You know, before I answer any more questions
    there’s something I wanted to say. Having received all your letters
    over the years, and I’ve spoken to many of you, and some of you have traveled… y’know… hundreds of miles to be here, I’d just like to
    say… GET A LIFE, will you people? I mean, for crying out loud, it’s
    just a TV show! I mean, look at you, look at the way you’re dressed!
    You’ve turned an enjoyable little job, that I did as a lark for a few
    years, into a COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Believe me, Pornhub is working on it.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    The spice melange?

  • TheVerySpecialK

    No, Han bolted down the floorboards after his parents (unbeknownst to him) had hidden beneath them. His father succumbed to starvation, but his mother lived on, eating mynocks to sustain herself. She was perfectly happy to continue on eating space pests under the smuggling compartment, until the day Lando decided to have the Falcon renovated, disturbing her late husband’s bones in the process. And then… OLD LADY IN THE WALL!

  • langweilig

    han will ‘smuggle’ yoda to dagobah and this will lead up to the yoda stand-alone movie, where he builds his home cave/hut, grows turnips and boils disgusting stew for 90 minutes.

  • langweilig

    btw ‘kessel’ in german means cauldron, so there might be a magic run with wizards and dwarfs.

  • Movie Wan Kenovie

    Think of it… did Master Williams ever go funky?

  • And there is a guest appearance by the entire cast of “Semi-Pro” dressed as Tropics themed aliens.
    Han: Who are those guys?
    Woody: I delivered them a washing machine once.

  • Nice, that was a pretty good plothole stitch-job.

  • I accept this honour with pride

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Don’t forget the obligatory walk-on cameo by the Criminal Dude Wanted in 12 Systems and His Heterosexual Life-Partner, Seal-Face Guy.

    They have to show up in all these movies as stipulated in the 2015 San Diego Comic Con Fanservice Accords.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    John Williams uses the Force to tear the roof off the sucka.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    A Space Wallace Beery picture. Whaddya need, a road map?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    A lazy first draft and a legion of servile underlings a Star Wars Prequel make.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Lando was my favorite Harvey Dent.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    The CGI poo throwing was rather sad.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Hopefully a giant meteor headed straight for earth.

  • Thanatos

    Who was betting what? And then it gets more complicated later, when the bet changes?

  • Thanatos

    When they’re sneaking into the spice mines they get accosted by stormtrooper guards at the security checkpoint demanding to know who they are. Han spies a plastic Solo cup sitting on their break room table and blurts out “Han…..Solo”?

  • Thanatos

    Or the Jedi tries to pull a Rogue One and starts muttering “The Force is with me” and wanders out into the middle of the stormtrooper shootout – only to get blasted repeatedly. Han takes note of the worthlessness of trusting the Force.

  • Thanatos

    Ben Kenobi…?

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    You missed the most obvious ideas, that will absolutely happen:

    1. Han runs around a corner chasing a bad-guy, only to rush into a group of hundreds of bad-guys.

    2. Han faces a guy frantically swinging a lightsaber (probably some secondary villain/henchman who has spent the film bragging about stealing the lightsaber off a dead Jedi), and Han just shoots the idiot with his blaster.

    3. Han will get eaten alive by something, and have to cut his way out, while quipping something about how “it smells better on the inside!”

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    That’s just a given. Like assuming all the planets will inexplicably have one monolithic biome and 50% of them will be Arrakis knockoffs.

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    Only if Mace Windu turns up, with his 20-something son Landu….

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    All that, just because Lucas couldn’t be bothered to check a glossary when he stole random words out of his cousin’s science textbook.

  • Anthony D.

    But how, Whiskey Jack???? HOW???

  • Gallen Dugall

    Obviously not since that character barely had any interaction with Han and none with Leia. Now if it was Luke’s kid then Kenobi makes sense. As the son of Han and Leia the only name that makes sense is Bail.

  • EJ

    I was thinking it was dill. Whatever comes from the “spice mines of Kessel” that C3PO is so worried about.

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    Han will bump into Jimmy Smits Organa, when the Tantive IV stops him from smuggling some exotic bird off of Alderaan, and R2-D2 and C-3PO will be there in the background as the Tantive IV docks with Han’s ship.

    (I imagine there’ll be a quip by Han about how the rare bird belongs in a Huttese Zoo.)

    And Han will escape from Smits by stealing Threepio’s right leg, explaining where the silver leg in ‘A New Hope’ came from. Smits will end the scene by once again telling a technician to wipe C-3PO’s memory banks, but not R2-D2’s.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    What? No mention of the Infinity Stones?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    ‘Twere it so simple.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    **Han crashed Millennium Falcon, shows crowd of onlookers the Inanimate Carbonite Rod in his hand**
    DINGBAT ONLOOKER: The Inanimate Carbonite Rod is the real hero!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Ben Gazzara?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I haven’t seen shooting that implausible since Lee Harvey Oswald.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Have you seen how Stormtroopers shoot? They couldn’t hit the broadside of a fully operational battlestation.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Bill Murray also has to show up to appeal to those who found Space Jam watchable.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    It’s going to be done with an actual shoehorn.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    So this movie will be exactly like Hamlet?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Don’t be so mean. Lucas couldn’t have used his billions he made of Star Wars to attend a creative writing class at a third-tier community college.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    It’s because the Empire uses Kashyyyk as a giant Bohemian Grove base. Darth Vader is really an Illuminati.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Not if you keep mentioning it.
    **slide whistle**

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Kessel is actually the source of whatever they use to make Old Bay seasoning.

  • Thanatos

    They can, if they’re shooting before Empire Strikes Back.

  • RPK

    I’m walking out of the theater if somehow Han smuggles in to tattooine a baby luke skywalker.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    “Hey, those flannel shirts won’t iron themselves out. Priorities, man.” — George Lucas

  • Chris

    1) Uncle Woody will teach Han a few maneuvers to lose an imperial star destroyer.

    2) Han will fail to make calculations before jumping to hyperspace resulting in the death of a loved one…Han will learn a lesson.

  • Chris

    Oh and Emilia Clarke’s character is clearly Rey’s Mom.

  • Imaf

    You know, I learned something today. I always thought that midichlorians were a combination of MIDI instruments and the stuff you clean pools with…

  • Tovi

    You guys forgot about the asteroid field and my prediction is it’s going to tie in with the Kessel Run. See, for normal smuggling ships, the Kessel Run is like 20 or 30 (just making up a number) parsecs from Point A to Point B. However, clever Han Solo is going to look at a chart and say “Why is the run this many parsecs? You can go through this area and shave off a lot of distance.” “Nobody goes in there, kid. That’s the most deadly asteroid field in the galaxy!” Then the way Solo gets a job from Jabba over experienced and more famous smugglers is he brags he can get to Point B in 12 parsecs. The movie then has him dodging rocks and asteroid worms. Maybe one of the worms will swallow their ship and Uncle Woody will teach Solo about mynocks and shooting cave floors to see if it’s really a cave. Uncle Woody will die in there so Disney can give us a clean break from that character.

  • Tovi

    Oh and also Lando and Solo will fight over Love Interest. Love Interest will probably get dirty hands on the Falcon too.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Another absolutely horrible and tasteless idea: The young Lando will be played by Franklin from Arrested Development and voiced by Will Arnett.

    “It’s not easy being a two-bit backstabber, etc.”

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Said love interest will be a young Max Rebo.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    ZACK SNYDER [holding bullhorn]: Name her Martha!!!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    But it should be a poor pastiche of when Indiana Jones shot that Arab dude with the giant scimitar. Because fanservice!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    There’s at least three of them on RLM. Pick one!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    For dudes who don’t believe in God, atheists sure love talking about him.

    Hey, I love these Mad-libs!

  • LameSame

    For dudes who are so lonely, we sure love alienating each other in these comments sections.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    For dudes who are such cineastes, they sure love Cameron Mitchell and pizza rolls.

  • Robotpals

    Kinda. He did the jazzy/teen crime thing in Daddy-O.

  • skeetslambone

    All I’m seeing coming out of this movie is one, bit long “mentor” movie. It’s going to stink. You’ll have Han be either fatherless, or his father is a douche, or something. The Woody Harrelson character will take him under his wing. Woody will basically be playing an extreme version of the Han Solo that we know where all of Han’s “smuggly” characteristics will have been gotten from. I’d put the odds of that being the overall theme of the movie at well over 50/50.

    Oh, and they will find an excuse for a gratuitous Darth Vader murder scene.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    “J’akku’se!” — Han Zola

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Point of order: Why does EVERYTHING need to be explained? Unless we’re drooling fanboy idiots who watch Collider … We. Just. Don’t. Care!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Working title: Callback: The Movie, the Fanservice Awakens.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    “Well, well, well, look what we have here.” — Lando to Sy Snootles.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    HAN SOLO is then kicked in the balls by a Stormtrooper.

    HAN [looking at camera]: At least I remembered to wear my Han Solo Cup.
    **Price is Right sad trombone**

  • Pop Culture Reference

    **Han Solo making jerking off hand motion**
    HAN SOLO: Is this how fanservice works?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    The Illuminati? The Reptoid Aliens? What do you mean by “upper echelons”?

  • JasonShankel

    How come Han Solo is never alone and Lando lives in the Skyo?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    You’ll have to ask Kylo.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Where’s my Lobot prequel?

Back to Top