Heres how I’d like the prequals to go
A young Anakin is accepted as a Jedi. The council gives him his first mission of investigating a distress signal from Naboo. Anakin travels to Naboo and on the way he is attacked by a mysterious ship. Anakin narrowly escapes the pursuing vessal and lands.
He lands only to find the city completely taken over by droids armored very well and armed to the circuits(OHLOL) Anakin is taken prisoner and loses his lightsaber they toss him aside in to a cell. Anakin uses the force, his focus to the force is still very very bad and he barely manages to open the door to his cell by picking the lock with the force.(He manipulates the lock with the force) He immediately encounters the droids. Anakin runs down a coridor narrowly escaping the fire from them and gazes upon a large construction proect, the project is apparently creating a large droid capable of traveling at light speed and unleashing massive destruction.
Anakin runs through fire from the droids and finds his lightsaber along with many other prisoners. Using the combined effort of the prisoners he manages to over power the droids in the facility and destroy the project.
Anakin encounters the queen and she explains that large armies of droids overpowered there defenses and landed in the city and began killing and enslaving everyone led by a strange man.
Anakin looks outside and sees the same vessel that chased him landing on a building with battle droids emerging from the building. The prisoners than release other prisoners and the newly established small army of Naboo battles off the droids but soon a strange being emerges from the vessel. (Its darth maul) Darth Maul and Anakin engage in assault with Anakin barely keeping up, Darth Maul than uses the power of the dark side to momentarrily confuse Anakin and the fight stops.
Darth Maul describes the Dark side of the force but Anakin resists and manages to kill Darth Maul. But Anakin is forever changed by his expierance with the dark side…
Jedi land in the city and begin to kill off the last of the droids and the episode ends…
Sounds fricking awesome wish you wrote it!
Much simpler and better.
the one in the prequels isnt boba fett its jango ,bobas father, when he is behaded in episode 2 boba takes over and appears in the original trilodgy
hilarious… in part 2 on 27:33… there is a subconcious message to DONATE… crazy
More Reviews mr plinkett !!!!!!
while i agree that this is better than the acutal plot for episode one i’d personally stay away from everything that was in the prequels/games. it needed a total re-write of all of its charachters save for anakin obi-wan and yoda.
the sith are supposed to be the opposite of the jedi so they would move behind the scenes and manipulate others into doing their bidding. darth maul just shows up and swings his light saber around.
i would think something more like manipulating the mandalorians into fighting the republic (fuck! thats a game plot device!) would have worked a lot better. they seem less impotent than a bunch of droids. if fette was really the last of the mandalorians (do any of the movies actually say this?) i’d rather see the cause of that than a bunch of droids being mowed down. fuck the clones too.
allowing the jedi to behave like people would be good too. let them marry and have families. this would make the jedi more relatable and would give them something to potentially lose in a galactic war.
anakin could even start his downward spiral to the dark-side commiting several atrocities in the war after the capture of his wife or something.
he shouldn’t start off a child, maybe a war-vet who fought along side obi-wan in an earlier war and obi-wan sensed in him the potential of the force or some shit like that. there are just so many other better possibilities…
I must say that I really enjoyed watching your reviews. Salute.
BTW if you need help making your basement ‘problem’ disappear, let me know. ; )
dude wow thanks for the enlightenment. Lucas really did f–up job
The guy knows what makes a good and a bad movie, but I’m not going to watch his reviews anymore because, as good as they are, they aren’t worth seeing “funny” scenes about torturing women.
I agree with “just some guy”. I love these reviews (they are incredibly insightful), but the “asides” just kind of jolt me out of the review and make me a little uncomfortable. It also makes it a lot harder to recommend this to friends that I’m not really close to.
I know right, those scenes with Natalie Portman were a crime against humanity.
“Why would someone who can diguise themselves by changing their face, need a disguise?” 26:13, pretty much sums up the whole illogical plot of the prequels.
The second point is why even make a character a shapeshifter if they don’t ever shapeshift and then die
A White Knight complaining abour the Plinkett Reviews?
Loosen up man.
dont slag off Star wars Mr plunkett , we all know you get a hard on for the whole saga
“And they broke new ground by having the first homosexual in Star Wars” hahahahaha
Pause part 2 on the diagram of the female reproductive system and read the labels.
Where did Plinkett get the awesome background music?
I used to have good copies of the prequels along side my original trilogy DVD’s, but after not watching them even once in 6 years I finally deleted them altogether. I also have to say that the prequels destroyed the Star Wars universe so badly that I can’t even get any joy out of watching the originals anymore, not to mention the fact that George added horrible cartoons to almost every scene.. ruining them too.
I am more interesting in the kidnapped hooker sub-plot than I am these terrible movies.
Exactly, he points out the shit in a shitty movie. Kind of hard to point out good things about a bad movie, no?
Quit trolling. Thanks.
Darth Maul was never a Sith Lord, just an apprentice. Besides, I don’t see what so many people see in Maul. Sure, he looks kind of cool and acts badass, but he has like 3 lines in the movie, shows nearly no personality, and is more or less unimportant to the plot (except killing Qui Gon).
Im sorry but “the ease of digital film making”… are you implying that the CGI in the star wars prequels is in any way easy to do?.. you have no fucking idea how hard it is.
Hes making a comparison, digital vs filmed on location…. filmed on location is way harder to film because you can’t control every aspect of whats happening unlike CGI….. gosh a 12 year old could figure that out you retard.
must’ve watched this five times or more and only just noticed who’s in the background in part one: 13:11
who the fuck cares, who hard it is? but you know, it’s hard for the animators, not for fucking lazy ass george. he just orders some backgrounds and get them.
Just found this! Really interesting review. I must tell you that you’re wrong on one account though. Samuel L. Jackson actually came to Lucas and begged him to be in it because he’s such a big fan, hence the small part in ep. 1.
Can anyone tell me which are the Samuel Jackson movies used as clips in the review?
That’s not true on all fronts. Yes, it obviously is prevalent here, but CGI has finally started getting to the point where emotions can be conveyed. A good example is Caeser from Rise of the Planet of the Apes. That was a combined effort of a CGI team and Andy Serkis, and it succeeded in showing exactly what the monkey is feeling and thinking in each scene.
I wanted to see Yoda fight. But when I pictured Yoda fighting, I imagined that he would have just sat down on the floor, folded his hands and closed his eyes. He would sit totally motionless and use the Force to deflect each and every attack. He could still have a light saber, but instead of being the little jumping-bean, bouncing off everything, he would have remained in his meditative state and he wouldn’t have even touched the light saber. It would have floated around, again, being controlled by the Force.
I hope Lucas and the team watch this, then they rip their eyes out to try and hide their shame.
I was HIGHLY offended by the subplot. It made me feel uncomfortable and I couldn’t figure out why. Then I jagged off.
Well when shit is all there is, there isn’t really much else to point out; is there?
These reviews are really the best I’ve ever seen. You remind me of one of those Jerky Boys.
of course he knows. you idiot!!!
I will guess next review will be… BAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THAT MAN, mostly because of the island and it’s repeated missing the point of the clonus horror, missing the question of whether or not it was right to clone and kill to save someone’s life, but instead the cloners are cartoonish bad guys, Sean Bean wants to be a “GOD” and Tom Lincoln is dying because its his fault “lots and lots of sex man” and is ready to kill the poor, stupid innocent clone because he wants to live and everyone else can die. The plot holes are enormous, (really, you let the clone drive the car even when you were going to betray him, Tom?) the camera never stays the fuck still, the irritating action is repetitive and never fucking ends, and HI what was with the black guy? He was a bad guy, arranged an attack on police when they had the clones in custody, probably killing them, showed no remorse when Steve Buscemi died, THEN HE FREES THE CLONES, HELPS SCARLET JOHANNSON TO FREE THE CLONES AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER. Did the cops who picked up the clones deserve to die? I mean, when he thought Tom Lincoln was the clone, he shot him in cold blood. THIS CHARACTER MAKES NO SENSE
I love that movie.
We we Padme! HAHAHAHA! That was epic man!
What about, well, pretty much everything Pixar has brought out in the last 17 years (starting with Toy Story obviously).
Let’s shoot an unofficial one !
Don’t feel sorry for them…I envy them being so easily entertained.
How do I into calendars
That’s why these reviews are made for entertainment and satire.
It’s also because, for all intents and purposes, Jango Fett’s character is a duplicate of Boba Fett. This is to support the fans who love Boba Fett from the original trilogy. There’s absolutely no reason for any Fetts to be involved in the prequels, save for fan-boys.
Can I have a pizza roll. Seriously will you send me a pizza roll.
Woah, how did you spot that? xDD
I think the issue with these prequels is less Plinkett’s claim that the film has no main character, and more that Anakin’s role as the main character is undermined by the lack of any real foil.
In the originals, Luke was played against Han as the innocent farmboy vs. the cynical scoundrel, against Yoda as the eager hothead against the wizened sage, and ultimately against Vader, because Luke’s journey brings him on a parallel course as his father, up until he realizes what his anger is doing to him.
In the prequels, Anakin has no direct foil; he is a child in the first film, separated from Obi-Wan for the bulk of the second film, and turns into Vader in the third film. I believe I once heard George float the idea that the progression of Sith foreshadowed aspects of Vader’s character – the brutal fighter, the dominant ruler, the robotic creature – but really, all that means is that Anakin’s only foil is himself: Vader.
The progression of Anakin’s character is defined by who he will eventually turn into, but a). that is a downward spiral, not an arc that infuses noble traits like the audience usually sees, and b). the original Vader does not appear until the final montage of establishing shots at the end, so the comparison never takes place on screen, and assumes the viewer has the older movies in mind when viewing. Also, of the three, the only one Anakin faces directly is Dooku; he is too young to fight Maul and only has one glancing encounter with Grievous.
Having said that, if one has to write a thesis on why Anakin is the main character of the series, then clearly the movies failed to establish that for the viewer. My primary enjoyment of these films comes from watching it as though Palpatine were the main character. Seeing him manipulate everything and everybody to achieve political power, military power, and to turn the Jedi’s greatest weapon against them, he has a much clearer progression towards his stated goals. But since he’s a B character and most of his scenes is boring political schlock, it’s hardly a replacement for the mostly-ignored Clone Wars taking place at this time.
Nothing like seeing The Last Starfighter compared to this movie. Favorably.
fuck yeah. 100% on how this lacks all emotion. thanks, man
videogame graphics? do these movies have a difficulty level? i musta been playing them on very easy cause i was SO bored with them.
video games can display a LOT more emotion then these ~!CGI!~ graphics did. but they are not video game graphics.
does anyone know what the song is at the end?
You may not have noticed it… but your brain did.
I noticed that the picture of the scale between Yoda and a 19-foot tall Gorgan, at 4:33, in that pic Yoda is flipping off the Gorgan.
What is the Sci Fi movie referenced in part one? looks good.
it’s funny that a b league sci-fi movie like the last star fighter seems better then episode 2
You’re Absolutely right about Maul. I guess because he wasn’t developed people use him as the blank slate for a better villain that they imagine themselves.
I need to go buy some bleach.
“The last starfighter”
exactly his point
what’s that movie he kept showing clips of in the first part?
god damn. every time he shows a clip of lucas, the way he talks, he sounds like a moron trying to sound smart. it’s saddening
so true…In “half in the bag” the resident evil movies are called bad movies and one of the (many) reasons should be that there where video-game adaptations. The movies are bad but that is nonsense.
The movie even didn’t try to be an adaptation. Its just scene after scene with senseless action. And Mila Jovovich cow look. In bad quality. It reminds more off the slash and hack zombie D movies from the 70s and early 80s than an adaptation of an high quality product like Resident Evil is…..WAS….the franchise isn’t so good anymore but is still better than Paul W Andersons atempts to become the next George Romero and give his wife something to do.
And so I could go on and go on. Even Silent Hill lacks logic. “We had to make small adjustment so that the audience will understand….” Thats BS!!! Making Allessa the Demon that brings revenge is BS!
I don’t get it. Seems like japanese video games are understandable for kids between 6 and 16…but to high for THE AUDIENCE of a cinema….and movie makers.
You mean Arabs?
The prop at 9:00 used in both ST:TNG and the last Starfighter, looks very similar to something in Alien Nation (1988). James Caan and his partner break into some kind of lab with the same device about an hour into the movie. I feel better now.
A 30 second Disney World advertisement playing right before the massive review that skewers the Star Wars franchise.
I want to know what Anakin says in part 2 when it’s censored. I imagine its something like “Oui, oui Padme, can I take you out the the shitter and give you a rim job, then shove a baggete up your cunt, eh?”
5:20 Han and Luke do NOT grow and change like real people.
Real people don’t grow and change. That’s why it’s called “fiction” – it’s not real. It’s escapism.
6:50 “A large, corrupt, impotent United Nations in space.”
You could have just said “A United Nations in space” and the meaning would be the exact same.
The lightsaber part well back them(star wars IV, V and VI) There was only 2 jedi with them and one of them died in the first movie but in the prequels there are 50000000000 jedis, but still i agree with you
So maybe it’s a good thing he sold it to Disney. At least a fan can be in charge of the creative process instead of a self-absorbed douche.
That was a particularly good example. It worked in that movie. Another one would be the wonderful scene between Bilbo and Gollum under the mountain in The Hobbit. Still, I have to say; at leasy 85% of the time if any character is being done in CGI, you can pretty much just assume that they will come across with the humanity of a kitchen appliance, and you would be right. This is true with new movies as well. I think as the technology has improved, a lot of directors have just become more lazy. They won’t put in even a tenth of the work that Spielberg did in Jurassic Park to get the CGI right, even though the technology has improved considerably. I’d say as a rule of thumb, you will probably have about twice as tough a time conveying emotion through a CGI vehicle as any other kind, even today.
my problem is this review really, i mean, there are a lot of amazing points that this guy makes, but the whole fucking series of reviews are ruined by all the crappy abduction, torture scenes.. why cant it just be a good review pointing out all the problems??
Except the hired JJ Abrams.
If you like these review you will really like this YouTube video;
I know hot to turn that off.
A plastic tube gets cut in half by a lightsabre.
Woman with nice tits touches arm, asks if single.
“UHH LETS GET BACK TO THE MOVIE”
Good going, Plinkett.
Mike should fuck nadine
Is the pizza roll deal still available?
I want a pizza roll.
Please review Matrix Revolution! =D
I like the frame narrative of the kidnapping — it adds another layer of commentary on the movie. As ridiculous as the Plinkett/Nadine relationship is, it actually presents a more interesting and plausible romance than what Lucas was able to come up with.
And JJ Abrams is a fan of Star Wars. He’s actually stated he likes Star Wars over Star Trek. Just sayin’.
Hey! These are real people you’re talking about. Wait for the inevitable Mike and Nadine nostalgia action figures… then you can do whatever you want. With $30K setup and $3 per unit molding costs, you’ll have to wait until a couple thousand people want them, cash in hand. What about 3D printing? A 6-inch Shapeways action figure runs about $300 bucks, last I checked. You can go smaller, of course, or add a Shapeways Stoklasa action figure head to an existing GI Joe action figure body. In that event, we might be approaching something like a $30-$50 retail price in the next couple of years. Otherwise, you’ll have to wait for the existing market (around 100 buyers) to grow about 20 times bigger. At present rate of growth, that’s a 5 year minimum. I’m betting the 3D printing option will come down into consumer price ranges MUCH faster, especially if they team up with semi-famous YouTube cos-players like Jessica Nigri and Yaya Han who (might) want their own limited-run action figures to auction off, too. Then it’s worth somebody’s time to make it happen, so your action figure fantasies can all come true. Cheaper alternative… kegger.
Because it’s satire…
uhhh speak for yourself static boy
I’ve seen these at least like 20 times, and I swear I still find something funny I didn’t notice the last time. Say what you will about the elementary humor (fucking cats), but these reviews are quality film making, really. I just thought of this because I’m a musician, and it’s like when all of the melodies come together to make a great song. The scenes he shows, the script itself, and its delivery all come together to make a great review of a bad movie, and that’s probably why it’s so popular.
Mm…I like to fuck my cat
the last starfighter
I wouldn’t call the humour elementary. Like most intelligent comedians working with a script, Mike will mix intentionally good jokes with intentionally bad jokes, but will pause and linger on the stupid, bad jokes, because he’s being ironic, while he moves quickly on from the smarter jokes that are being told straight up, so you have to catch them.
That is the best way to play it imho – where the style of each joke matches the content. That’s also why you can keep noticing new things.
That’s a very broad, sweeping statement for something that is so untrue and ilinformed.
Sorry if you don’t feel that you’re different from how you were e.g. 5 years ago, and you don’t know any people well enough to tell that they have changed, but people do learn and evolve and grow as people.
They don’t do 180’s, but their personalities do change over time.
I was just about to mention that at the end of Part Two when you see the city scape, a vehicle flies by that’s actually a flying Donate button. It’s barely even there, you may not have even noticed it.
But your brain did @.@
George Lucas said he wanted to draw on how historical figures manipulated their way to the top, like how Hitler gained power by managing to convince Germany to vote him into dictatorship. By doing this, the audience has no emotional connection to the Old Republic. Instead: draw on America vs. Nazis in WWII
So it goes: Senator Palpatine is secretly affiliated with a sadistic, slave-trading, anti-democracy star system that is already at war with a with the noble Republic. After raising an army of clones in that star system, Palpatine eventually comes out and declares war on the Republic and by the Episode III he wins. All the while, Anakin has been a star pilot everyone loves, and a good friend to Obi-Wan from the beginning, and Obi-Wan is already training him. Secretly, Anakin begins to experiment with the Dark Side, all the while hiding behind the veneer of being a charismatic guy everyone loves. As the plot unfolds, he ends up joining Palpatine.
Very simple plot! No need for confusing, boring political intrigue! Anakin is likable so we care!
“Begun the Clone Wars has” – Yoda
I keep thinking of more things I hate about the prequels. This always bothered me. Did they nickname the war before it happened? Why didn’t he call it “The Robot Wars?” or just “The Civil War?” or why not just say “We are now at war”? Did Yoda invent the term “The Clone Wars” as the perfect nickname, and just waited for the perfect time to spring it on everybody? To me, it’s once again George Lucas writing dialog TO the audience, based on common knowledge passed down from the first movie, so Lucas writes the dialog almost like an in-joke.
george wanted to make isaac asimov´s foundation for kids?
Yeah, they’re way better than the movies!
Damn you for using Quicktime Jackass
Not that I wanna sound like some drooling fanboy or anything, but Nadine has a fantastic rack
Bagpipes are actually awesome.
If Morgan Freeman had been Mace Windu, he might have been a real character instead of a cardboard cut out. More likely it would have been a repeat of the Ewon MacDonald fiasco though.
Just me, or was it almost tear inducing at the end, when they had the Yoda saying Jedi stuff intercut with the crappy prequel CGI action? Made me feel the pain again. Damn you Star Wars I thought I was over you!
I, too, must now change my pantaloons.
Also, it’s not too true that Morgan Freeman doesn’t appeal to younger people. He has already meme status as being the godly father figure. Perfect Jedi Master.
Well you have to take into consideration the time period. I don’t know why, but this current generation seems to get their time table screwed up and think everything just always existed since, forever. The whole Morgan Freeman meme status came way, way, after 1999, which was the release date for Episode I; with production/filming on the movie starting around ’97. Back then, Freeman was just another actor, and at the time Samuel L. Jackson was the “bigger draw” compared to Freeman. There was no Freeman meme. And although the term “meme” was coined in like the 70’s, in terms of internet pop culture, memes didn’t really take off until around the mid 2000’s. Sure, there were certain “popular” things here and there, but nothing compared to what it is today with things going viral in a matter of hours/days thanks to YouTube and social media sites, and staying popular for months or years. Back in the mid to late 90’s, the internet was arguably still in its infancy. There was no YouTube, no social media, no HBOGo, no Xbox Live, no Twitter, no DVD players, say nothing about Blu-Ray, we all used VCRs and big ass hand-held cameras that weighed about 10 pounds instead of pocket cameras, and although Netflix was founded in ’97 I don’t think a single person heard of the damn thing until the mid/late 2000’s. And a majority of people during these times didn’t have broadband, most people were still on dial-up, unless you lived in major cities that upgraded their infrastructure quickly. I know now, even in our current age of technology and constant live-access and “always connectedness” via WiFi and 3/4G, many places in the USA STILL don’t have broadband, and are stuck using dial up 56k modems and have no cellphone service in their areas.
Terms like MMOs didn’t exist, as “MMO” was coined by UO (Ultima Online) back then online games were just starting to come of age. None of these things we take for granted like we do today existed. Hardly anyone had a cell phone, and it was very rare to see someone with one, and if you did it was an old Nokia “Brick” or a car-phone. (To this day I STILL don’t own a cell, because I hate the stupid things). The internet was still a new thing, the technology boom was still on before the tech bubble burst, and people were still realizing just what the internet really was capable of providing and doing. YouTube and social media is what really started the whole meme fad. YouTube wasn’t founded until 2005, and before MySpace and Facebook were around there was very little “social media” type sites that got viral videos going. I remember one of the first viral videos I saw was the Numa Numa guy, and that was in like ’04, and that video spread mainly through old-school Ebaums.
So saying Morgan Freeman already has “Meme status” in 2013 when talking about a movie that was filmed in 1997, released in 1999, and probably cast around 1996, I refer back to my original point, this generation has a huge problem with taking the factor of time in consideration, and realizing everything we have didn’t just poof out of thin air and just always been around. And honestly, I’d gladly go back to the Mid to Late 90’s with our Pentium II processors, practically no one having these stupid fucking smartphones that I’d love to shove up people’s asses, and back to what I think most people that are over the age of 25 (or a tad older) will agree were better times. But all that’s gone now, and all we’ve got to look forward to now is shit like Jersey Shore, DramaBook, Smartphones glued to people’s heads, reality TV, (and I hate to get political in this last statement, but it’s the truth), the ever constant removal of our everyday freedoms. I remember days when I could walk up to monuments and other places like large dams and things of that sort and take pictures and enjoy the view, now everything’s gated off with armed guards and cameras for fear of “terrorists” or “National Security.” So as I said, I’d do anything to be able to say “Welcome to the 90’s dude” again, pay .99 cents for gas, and living the good life instead of putting up with the shit-world we have to deal with today.
Frankly what always bugged me about the romance. Is the idea that a 9 year old boy would have a hard on for years over a girl he met once. Also who would elect a 15 year old girl to run their Government.
The Naboo system of government makes absolutely no sense. Padme was the “Queen” which makes it a monarchy, right? Well in this POS she says that she had to step down after two terms. So then YOU AREN’T A FUC*ING QUEEN!
This is fkn funny and right on the money. Man of Steel needs the Plinkett treatment!
This is a pretty fantastic Man of Steel analysis if you’re looking for one: http://badassdigest.com/2013/07/03/film-crit-hulk-man-of-steel/
Did you write that? Are you just trying to plug your blog here? Why do you write in all caps? I’m not reading that.
I did not write that, no. I commented on it, but Film Crit Hulk wrote it. However, if you would like me to post my completely-unrelated-to-Star-Wars writings here for no reason, that could be arranged 😛
This evolved out of the joke from the Phantom review that it is so bad the only way to get someone to watch it was by tying them up and forcing them. Also; the juxtaposition of the batshit crazy psycho Plinkett having very logical and well thought out commentary lends a level of irony. Thirdly; the implicit joke that the only person who would actually sit down and do enough work to put together a feature length review of these movies for youtube would have to be crazy… the rest of the character flows out of that.
Last Starfighter was not B grade. It was an A level movie. At the time, it was an absolute pioneer with cgi as well. Nobody had ever had the number of fully cgi frames as the ship fighting scenes in space. It required a supercomputer to render those shots (I kid you not), and was featured on the cover of Omni as a result. Also; it was a great sic-fan fairy tale and one of my very favorite films as a kid.
I want a Pizza Roll!
“I will even learn to stop people from dying” BZZZZZZZZ.
Or even better, he could have fought without actually fighting. Just sitting there, his opponents knowing that he was one of the most powerful Jedi ever, and he would just talk to them while they would circle around him, slowly unnerving them by being calm and nonchalant, speaking to them in that half chiding half jovial voice of his until his opponents either rush at him at random, at which point he would maybe push a guy down to scare away the rest, or they would simply run away because they are so scared of the little green guy sitting in front of them.
Instead we get a grasshopper with a tiny lightsaber…
cheers man…read a few of hulks pieces…some clever shit
It didn’t make sense even in the other POS since a decoy quite literally had all of the same powers as the queen, apparently. I guess I just don’t get it.
I think you may have gone too far in a couple of places.
How did they recruit these kids when they were so young? If they need a mitochlorian test, do they test literally every kid ever? Shouldn’t Qui Gon Booze have checked those little kids who were taunting Anakin too? Maybe that planet is a mitochlorian gold mine. If they don’t individually test every kid, how the hell do they recruit anyone?
It was stylistically designed to be that way, but maybe I can diminish the effects of it.
Do one on Star Wars VII when it inevitably ruins Star Wars even more.
“Hey, we need more Star Wars movies. People want to see Darth Vader come back to life, right? Right!”
Stop me if I’m wrong, but you know the two “that’s what SHE SAID” girls in this review? That is, during that split-screen shot, you know the one on the left; the one with the longer hair and the tongue piercing? Well, I get the feeling that I saw her in a couple of…”independent films” made back in 2009. Can anyone else corroborate this for me? BTW, I use the term “independent film” as a euphemism, in case that wasn’t obvious. 😉
Correction: they say “that’s what HE SAID”.
That’s my favorite part of all the star wars reviews. Yoda just sharing the force philosophy with Luke and why its really powerful (not because you can fight with it!) intercut with all the prequel crap.
Most likely, given that a Mace Freeman character would clash with Yoda for the position of “wise mentor” figure. Unfortunately, it would not be in a Magneto/Xavier kind of way, but something far more blunt and cut-and-dried.
You think Hollywood would make a remake of that? Cause with today’s technology, it’d be even more blowy-up-ier.
Or just crash the ship into the ground. It’s not like he couldn’t use the Force to grip a starfighter and move it where ever he wants it to go.
Man, you’re the angry old dude and you’re not even 30. Try being 51 – I remember when $.40 gas was EXPENSIVE, when we got the cheaper $.37 gallon gas (or at least my dad did, by the time I drove it was after the first gas crisis). My wife has given me cell phones, I don’t use them. I love to be alone in my car and nobody can ****ing bother me. Why are people so afraid of being alone in their head? In a generation, we’ll be a hive mind.
George Lucas isn’t involved into this movies, so there’s hope.
There were apparently a few countries where a Queen was selected. It’s odd, but nothing new.
Yeah, it’s best not to think too hard about it. What, does this Queen have supreme executive powers? Is there a representative legislature of some sort? If not, does the Queen make all the laws? Can only post-pubescent teenage girls be Queen? Are there any Kings? Must they only be teenagers too? Are they only white? So many questions….
But Abrams is.
Settle down fanboy. First of all, not all of us hated new Star Trek, and secondly wouldn’t Abrams take on ST fit even better into SW?
Looks like you need to settle down. Stop making assumptions about what I do and don’t like, or begin your attack with name calling.
As long as Lucas stays out of the next SW and with a good writer (not Lindelof) then Abrams will do a fine job like in the first ST.
Stop saying Boba…. this is Jango Fett…. other than that you hit this spot on.
Jango is essentially a cookie cutter cut-out of Boba Fett thrown in there to try to make the movie cooler…..so yeah it’s more or less correct.
I think the preparation of these awesome videos took more time than the creation of the movie script
And how every parent be on board with the idea. Unless it’s like the law or something, which makes the Emperor not as bad as he should be for getting rid of the organization of child abductors.
And I actually like The Last Starfighter better than Tron in terms of 80’s CGI movies because it had a simple plot that didn’t get bogged down by effects.
And it’s baffling why Yoda just didn’t use the Starfighter in the other room to crush Dooku. It’s not like he can’t move ships with his mind.
And the shapeshifter should have been focused on getting away instead of trying to kill a Jedi in the bar.
I used to like this movie as a kid…now I find out exactly how terrible it is. It’s almost like finding out Santa isn’t real.
Fear not! I’ve heard reports that Lawrence Kasdan is coming back to help write the story, so there’s a really good sign.
I wasn’t crying, but rather laughing my ass off at how cleverly spliced together everything there was. My god…Mr. Plinkett should’ve directed the prequels, and George Lucas should’ve directed me to the toilet.
As soon as I read “Mike and Nadine nostalgia action figures”, I had a vision of RLM having as much merchandise as SW has (Plinkett figure, Cadillac vehicle with crashing action, etc.) while the song “We’re in the money” played.
Why would you tell me that Santa isn’t real?
‘A plastic tube gets cut in half by a lightsabre.’
This is the last straw. They ripped off too many things from the old trilogy.
Plinkett Porn… now there’s an idea with potential!
How do you make a Pizza Roll?
Concur. The Plinkett voice goes silent during that section and he just lets Lucas hang himself with his own words.
Training and positive reinforcement.
I love that you put in the star wars kid with the Jedi @13.11
Why was I designed to feel pain?
“Are you sure? They’re really GOOD pizza rolls!”
Fuck you, Rick Berman!
He ruined this too?
Why the hell is there violence against women presented as humor here? Like, it’s the definition of unnecessary.
It is part of a trademark brand of dark humour. I can see why someone might object to it (regardless of gender), but there is no way anybody will come out thinking violence against women is laughable because of this review. It is not unnecessary, it just happens to be a part of what makes up the Mr. Plinkett character. Also, while the victims are women, there is nothing outwardly sexual that would make the portrayal of the violence actually sexist (which the guys and gals at RLM are as far from as you can get).
It also shows how much of a psychopath Plinkett is and the implication is that one has to be a psychopath in order to meticulously examine every aspect of the prequels.
Just want to point out how poorly executed the Sand People murder part is. The problem is that the scene requires us to see them as victims, but let’s take into account what we do know about them:
-Attempts to murder Luke for simply being in their territory with no warning.
-Known to attack sandcrawlers, which is why the Stormtroopers thought it was a good idea to make it look like the Jawa were killed in a raid.
-Take potshots at podracers as if they’re playing a game of skeet.
-Wear masks to cover their entire face and body, making it impossible to tell the difference between men and women.
-Captures Shimi and tortures her, resulting in her death.
-Nothing about their culture is revealed and there is no motivation established for why they act so aggressively.
-There is no character to any Sand Person. At all.
But we’re supposed to think that Anakin is the bad guy for murdering an entire village of them? Seems like they’ve had it coming for a long time. How can we feel sympathy for Sand People when this is what we know about them? Or even consider that Anakin was wrong for doing it outside of his own guilty conscience.
Also, Robert Orci, Alex Kurtzman, and Damon Lindelof WILL NOT be writing the story. The odds went up significantly.
You know Lucas is a hack when a random schmoe on the internet rewrites one of his scenes in a single short paragraph and it’s 19,000x better than the Ninja Turtle cartoon scene that actually made it to the screen.
Are we though? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a stupid piece of shit all over and I groan at the scene after the massacre, but I always thought that we were supposed to see him as “conflicted” and not as a bad guy. Even hot pants Amidala doesn’t mind letting him force push her after that.
I think that if the Sand People were relate-able on some level (like gang members), we could not have to generalize them. Because they all look, sound, and act exactly the same, they just don’t come across as a people who have a hard life.
I think that if he murdered other slaves (like a slave driver), we could see how he could be conflicted, because slaves, while doing something horrible, are also forced into it. If Anakin could have sympathy for them, then he could be conflicted about it.
Here, he murders a bunch of evil cartoon characters, so how bad could he have been?
Another sad thing about the lightsaber is when you consider the Star Wars series after having seen Kurosawa Akira works, and how those movies influenced Lucas. One of Kurosawa’s works is Yojimbo, and basically, the main character was a prototypical example of a Jedi (being a master swordsman who can dispatch multiple enemies). The thing is, in that movie (and Sanjuro too, for that matter) he used his sword sparingly and had economy of movement while using it. He was quick and efficient, not flashy. As a result, fight scenes didn’t go on, which left more time for dialogue.
I also interpreted it as saying something to the effect of “even someone so fucked in the head can clearly see all the things wrong with these films.”
Thinking about Mace Windu, in various other stories, he’s reputed to be this master swordsman (moreso than other jedi), but when we actually see him in action, his form is just awful on so many levels. So, I have to wonder if Jackson just resisted direction in fight choreography or if Nick Gillard just didn’t care all that much (like when we see him hold the blade of the lightsaber when he ducks Jackson’s strike
See thats one of the many things that they “fixed” in the Star Wars EU. Pretty much if the jedi find out that someone has high medichlorians, they pretty much take them, wit no say from the parents. Its one of the many things that they fixed in EU. Thank you EU.
But Boba is a clone of Jango…
Probably the most shocking thing for me is the open contradiction of so many things from the original films. The sequence in the review showing Yoda’s head-shaking reactions to Lucas’ descriptions of the action in the prequels is hilariously funny. “Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter”…. “Even Master Yoda doesn’t have a Midichlorian count that high”. 100% contradiction. It’s like the person in charge of everything did not have even the flimsiest grasp of what made the original films special and magical, and proceeded to get every single thing wrong.
I want a pizzaroll. Incredible, excellent final part, especially the Yoda part.
I wouldn’t mind a slightly less wise Yoda in this movie, one who relies on violence and a lightsaber more. His words in the original trilogy could very well come from someone who was once a fighter, but has grown older and wiser and now knows better. He’s already old by the prequels, but that doesn’t mean he can’t become wiser. Between Attack of the Clones and Empire Strikes Back he’s had a student become evil, lost almost all of his friends and coworkers, and sat alone in a swamp for who knows how many years. Him having learned from that experience and become even more wise makes a lot of sense.
But that would only be satisfying IF they had bothered showing his transformation, or at least the beginning of one. That would be some interesting character development, something the prequels completely failed at. Instead it just makes him seem inconsistent, and hypocritical.
i really want the music used in this review xD
really funny but creepy
this. or just have him sit in the meditated state with his light saber out but not even moving his arms but just his hands to deflect his attackers attempts.
At least we had the wise words of Anakin Skywalker. “I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.”
I’ve always thought Jedis were fags.
It’s because it was on the “This detail was mentioned in the New Hope, therefore it has to be in the sequels and it has to be spelled out so that people would get it.” list.
What really baffles me is not that, but that the clones turned out to be the “good” guys. I mean, when Obi Wan said that he fought with Anakin in the clone wars, and there were no apparent clones in the original trilogy, so I always figured they fought -against- the some clone army, defeated them and that’s why there were no clones mentioned anywhere after that point.
Oh my god… I just imagined a trilogy where Darth Maul was a proper main villain with a proper character who was in the forefront throughout the entire trilogy and a foil for Anakin. Someone stronger, faster and more vicious than him who have contrasted with a kind, eager but inexperienced Anakin and who would have defeated him over and over again, driving him to obsess over becoming more and more powerful until it drove him to the dark side.
Then at the end of the third movie he finally defeats Maul in a similar fashion as he defeated Dooku, and then there would be a beautiful parallel to draw with Return of the Jedi, except Anakin gives in to his hate and kill a defenseless Maul and thus completely falls to the dark side.
Such a potent rivalry has infinitely more context and motivations for a fall-from-grace character arc like Vader’s, and t would have actually utilized an iconic but ridiculously undersused villain to do so. Where is a good fanfic writer when you need one…?
I would say what you say about the directors is about half-true. The other half is that CGI affects two very important things directors have to deal with: adversity and control. To elaborate:
First off, CGI and post-production in general removes a lot of the adversity from film-making, and the lack of adversity can easily lead to creative stagnation. Consider this: originally Jaws had a huge mechanical shark throughout the movie, but it malfunctioned, so Spielberg was forced to shoot around the lack of an actual shark in a shark movie. This gave us some of the most iconic moments in the movie. If the same thing happened today, they could have simply added a CGI shark there and be done with it. Same thing with lighting, visuals and even shooting on set. All of these factors provided things that the director often had to work around, and these oftentimes led to unique shots and novel ideas.
As for control, it spans from the simple fact that even though CGI gives a lot of control for the director in depicting his “vision”, it also robs them of a fair amount of control at the same time simply because the final work is not actually done under the supervision of the director. How a CGI scene will ultimately look is decided not by the director, but the hundreds of modelers, animators, special effects guys and other technicians who work on these details, and while the director can heavily influence these people, he cannot just change a shot or micromanage things like on a real set.
damn clones movie was on tv again and i had to rewatch this review. someone owes me a pizza roll.
Christ, which one of you chucklefucks let Tumblr find out about the Plinkett reviews? You’ve gone and ruined it for everyone now ya jerk.
What is this “effort” you speak of?
This is from Wookiepedia, the official Star Wars wikipedia:
“Initial reviews of the film were mixed, with criticism of the more traditional cinematic elements such as character development and dialogue, particularly with respect to the relationship between Padmé and Anakin. The dialogue was noted to be “leaden” and “flat” by critics. The acting was also disparaged by some critics for these same characteristics.”
EVEN THEY KNOW!
I’m suprised you didn’t mention this, Mr. Plinkett. When Ani and her hippieness land on Geonosis and are about to leave the ship, she says “I’m going to try to find a diplomatic solution.” And then he says, “I’m through trying to argue with you.” Really?! I mean, I know you’re under her spell and everything, but just think for a second. You’re just gonna waltz in there, pun intended, into a hostile base that’s planning aggressive action against the Republic and try to find a diplomatic solution?!! And you think they’ll tolerate your barging in on their operation and that they’ll be at all interested in a diplomatic solution!?
Well I wouldn’t object to a violent Yoda, one that transforms into the wise Yoda we know (assuming they show the transformation like you said) but in that case I would’ve liked him to use the force in an offensive way, but he really shouldn’t be using a lightsaber.
AS confused Matthew pointed out,in order to make his stupid plots work,Lucas has to make his characters stupid and this idiotic dialogue is a sign that he’s not really thinking about what hes writing.
Why the hell did boba fett have to be the clone of jango anyway? it just felt random.
Yoda says “seeing you alive brings warm feelings…” he doesn’t say it backwards like he normally does.
Dear Lord, do you not know who the Film Crit Hulk is?? You’re seriously going to dismiss it entirely because it’s in all caps? Wow.
Agreed. /Oblg. voice=”ComicBookGuy” Biggest. Disappoint. Ever.
Prometheus was (is?) almost as equally as non-logical. i.e. “Everything Wrong With Prometheus In 4 Minutes Or Less”
Little photo comic of my least favorite scene, inspired by the Plinkett reviews!
That´s how he talks when he gets drunk.
I give you this one, topical.
When a more-than-one-hour long video criticism of your movie is more entertaining than your movie, you know you’re in trouble.
The only real debate about the prequels is: Which one was the worst?
I have to go with Episode II. The clumsily shoehorned, schmaltzy, loveless love story, between chronic whiner Anakin and boring career-obsessed Padme, was possibly the most painful viewing experience in cinematic history. It makes Jar Jar stepping in the poop seem like something out of Citizen Kane.
I’d have to be strapped down Clockwork Orange style to sit through that shit again.
Pissing myself laughing. Jason, hats off to you. The clockwork orange reference still has me howling. Well played.
That’s his tell for when he’s lying.
Same reason he made 3PO the creation/son of Vader. Just because he could.
Here’s something that I thought about back in the day when I suffered through this crap in the theater with my brother and his friends. What would have made for a more significant scene after Anakin found his mothers body would be for Anakin to bring his mothers body back to the farm, then when everyone is asleep he goes into town and murders Watto. He would have had 10 years of resentment built up against his former owner. That would have made more of an impact, because it would have been premeditated murder of someone that had a direct influence in how he was raised. It could have actually been the wellspring of some significant dialogue and given us a chance to see into Anakin’s inability to let go of his anger, even after a decade of freedom. Not to mention he could have started to show some emotion about not having gone back and how the self blame was affecting him as a person and a Jedi. Or hell, he could have come back to the farm and killed Owens dad. After all he could have been all unreasonable about, “why didn’t you go back out after them.” Or, “it took me one conversation with the Jawa’s and I found their camp, did you even try to rescue her,” you know something like that. That would explain Uncle Owens hate of Jedi in general, and Obi Wan in particular for saddling him with Anakin’s illegitimate child. I mean these two scenarios took me fifteen minutes to come up with after suffering through the scene of Anakin and Padme in the garage. Lucas didn’t even try.
Is this the same chuckle-head that went on about how Qui Gon was a virtuous character and that he is a TV/movie editor? Get lost you humor cripple. No one is going to start kidnapping women because of a joke you Choad.
What is it with Ricks?
That last panel is absolutely fucking hilarious.
They’ll get a biggerer guy in a robot suit.
Yea, but you can’t really kill Watto. Although he is an ugly slave owner he’s meant to be like an ugly slave owner in like a cute comedic relief muppet sort of way. The audience might actually FEEL something from having him die. Better to have him murder nameless and literally FACELESS sand people. This way we can convey that he lost control and took out his rage on women and children, but in a sort of emotionally muted way that the audience (and Padme) can quickly detach from and forgive him for.
*Disclaimer: Typically, someone will miss that I’m being totally facetious. Please be aware what “WHOOSH” means prior to responding.
LOL, no worries Bill, while text facetiousness or sarcasm can be hard to decipher, yours was perfectly clear. Sadly, you are also spot on, as we cannot have Han Solo shot first in our politically correct society, now we can no longer have actual “people,” die in star wars movies either. Well, okay there was Dooku, but that’s an anomaly, not the rule. They have to be clones, aliens, or robots so we don’t offend the same censors Lucas was criticizing back in the day. Let’s just hope that JJ is willing to take a chance and show the fate of, for lack of a better term, humans in these films. Just for information sake I’m an old fart, I don’t get the WHOOSH reference, please s’plain that Lucy.
Schmaltzy implies that the romance was actually felt by the audience for being over the top. It’s not even that.
Oh I wasn’t expecting _you_ to not get it, but there is always someone out there that won’t. The WHOOSH in my disclaimer was referring to when someone replies to a sarcastic post as if the poster was being serious. Someone then makes a subsequent reply saying “WHOOSH” to note that the joke went sailing right over the repliers head. In retrospect I probably shouldn’t make that disclaimer. The way that plays out is typically pretty comical 😉
Now I know, and knowing is half the battle.
Clockwork Orange still has me crying over here as well lol
That’s fucking genius actually.
I would like a pizza roll. I need some pizza rolls after revisiting this piece of shit movie.
Thanks for the hat tip about the last two, Mr. Plinkett
For some reason it didn’t occur to me until just recently how stupid the title of this movie is, and how it perfectly sums up everything that’s wrong with the prequels: “Attack of the Clones“…whaaaaaat?
The Clones don’t “attack” anyone, in fact they do the complete opposite and come to the defense of the Jedi. In Episode III the clones do eventually attack and turn on the Jedi, but this episode, Episode II, the one that’s actually called “Attack of the Clones”, has absolutely no attacking of clones, whatsoever. Also, the clones weren’t even that central to the plot of the movie, they were really more of a sub-plot, so why have them in the title at all? The title of this movie should’ve been “Anakin and Padme’s Greenscreen Getaway”. At least it would’ve been honest.
In a similar vein, calling it “The Clone Wars” doesn’t make any sense, either: yes, clones were involved…but so were droids…and Jedi…and Sith…and the Trade Federation…and Wookies….Calling it “The Clone Wars” implies that clones were somehow the catalyst, or were the main force of opposition, or were otherwise pivotal or central to the war in some way, but they weren’t any of those things; they were just disposable military units for the Republic, just as droids were for the Separatists. You could just as well call it “The Droid Wars”. In fact, there was no real reason for the Republic to even use clones in the first place (except for the fact that they conveniently and mysteriously had a stock-pile of them, for some reason, which the wise and considerate Jedi didn’t care to thoroughly investigate). I mean, they could’ve just used droids themselves to counter the droid-army of the Separatists, but opted to use clones because…um…the Jedi wanted to use flesh-and-bone cannon-fodder instead of mechanical cannon-fodder? I guess Jedi just love the smell of charred flesh in the morning…it smells like…stupidity.
The only reason to call this movie “Attack of the Clones” is because the war is called “The Clone Wars”, and the only reason it’s called “The Clone Wars” is because that’s what Luke and Obi-Wan called it in A New Hope. It’s a clumsy and moronic way of connecting the originals to the prequels, while simultaneously ruining stormtroopers and Boba Fett’s backstory for good measure.
And that’s the fundamental problem with the prequels. If they were simply poorly made movies, it would’ve been disappointing, but forgivable. But it’s more than that. Lucas takes things from the originals, and like an idiot-child, connects them to the prequels in the stupidest, most asinine, most simple-minded ways imaginable, and in doing so ruins the originals. That’s what’s unforgivable about these shit-stains on cinema.
The Phantom Menace. I’m assuming Maul is supposed to be the phantom menace but he is neither a phantom nor menacing. Lucas you FUCK
I am new here, but the way I see Plinkett is that he is a Silence of Lamb’s Buffalo Bill type character who is also a serious film buff. You see, he is multi-dimensional, not restricted to only doing psychopathic activities.
I grew up watching the Prequel Trilogy as a kid and still prefer it over the Original Trilogy, though I am a fan of all six films. Even if I watched your reviews of Episodes I-III, my opinion would not change.
“Even if I watched…”
So you haven’t watched the reviews, then? I find that hard to believe since you went through all the effort of making a comment underneath one of the reviews, but whatever…
Also, while you’re in the neighborhood, is there anything you want to do to qualify you’re statements? Otherwise you saying you like the prequels comes off as…how to put it? Defensive! That’s it, as though you’re trying to project a niggling sensation of doubt onto people like me.
I could be wrong, but, you know, it never hurts to get the scoop from the source…damn, now I want ice cream…what else am I going to put this hot sauce on?
Man…now I’m just dreaming of what Mace Windu would’ve been like if he was allowed to go “full Jackson.”
Whew! Makes my heart all a’ flutter! Disney? Get on that!
I completely understand and know why the Prequels are criticized. But I watched them when I was very young, and wasn’t even aware of how despised they were until AFTER I saw Revenge of the Sith. I feel as if my opinion of those films was finalized the moment I walked out of Episode III. Then, I got the internet. I found out all about the hatred of the Prequels. Even upon reading all about the flaws of the films, I still can’t bring myself to hate them. I know it is incredibly foolish to try get random strangers on the internet to understand where I am coming from, but I just felt I had to post my thoughts on this somewhere. When I heard there was a site called RedLetterMedia that reviewed the Prequels and basically dissected every detail of the films, I just felt the urge to post my opinion. Episodes I – III were a part of my childhood, so whenever I watch them, I feel like a kid again and just enjoy them. Call this “blind loyalty” or whatever you like, but it’s just the way I feel.
I for one am looking forward to the upcoming Half in the Bag where Lightning Fast gets besieged by tumblr divas, forcing Jay and Mike to take the drastic action of drinking slightly more beer to block out the picket line chanting.
What might have been a neat idea would have been if both sides had clones because they found that it was a cheaper, faster way of creating soldiers, and if a side didn’t have clones, they were quickly conquered because they don’t have the manpower or resources to resist.
Or cloned Jedi fighting against each other. If we’re going to have hundreds of Jedi fighting, might as well get them into a bunch of large-scale laser sword fights for as many times as possible.
Or a clone invasion by the Separatists and the Jedi have to fight against them. Sure, it’d still be like cutting up battle droids, but at least there’s so grit and danger to what’s going on instead of nothing.
I think Mike/Plinkett had the best idea: just have the clones be an army of mysterious invading monsters from deep space. Then Palpatine and Anakin could’ve been noble Jedi, fighting off this clone attack. Palpatine would’ve been a very old, wise and respected Jedi, like Yoda, who slowly over many years became corrupted by war and started dabbling with the ways of the Sith to gain an advantage over the invading clones.
This would’ve also had some nice parallels to Revan and Malak’s fall to the dark side, as well as the Yuuzhan Vong war. It would’ve been like poetry, it would’ve rhymed.
My guess is Palpatine was supposed to be the phantom menace, as he’s pulling the strings and also spends most of the movie as a hologram. But again, he was barely in the movie so why name it after him? A more accurate title might be “Anakin Ben-Hur Christ Superstar”. Or “Bible Stories…in SPAAAAACE”.
Damn. You know what? I mutha’fuckin’ respec’ that!
For the curious, I typed that in the hopes you’d read it as if spoken by a deep voiced black man. It’s how it sounded in my head, at least.
Anyway, for what it’s worth, I like that replied to me and were honest about it. I’m not opposed to people having their opinions and sharing them, so go right ahead and enjoy the prequels. I’m certainly not going to call you bad names for that.
With that out of the way, I’m still curious as to what you enjoyed about the Star Wars prequels, “blind loyalty” aside.
I’ll actually share that I rather enjoyed about half of Attack of the Clones. The half that didn’t have some sort of forced love story, at least (same reason I can’t enjoy titanic).
What saves the movie for me are the arena scene, which is cool for all the reasons Plinkett describes, and the ending battle, since I have an irrational love of big sci-fi wars with robots and lasers in them! It is totally childish but love the war scenes all the same.
I enjoyed the prequels for all the following reasons: Action, humor, adventure, characters, fantasy, effects, and I too love a great sci-fi battle. The sames reasons I enjoy the original trilogy.
Yeah, I can see all that. Some of the quips still make me smile, some of the set pieces impress me even today and, emotionless though they might be, I do appreciate the…spectacle?…yeah, the spectacle of the ‘saber fights.
If I had to rebut those points, though, I’d say that the thing that irks me about the prequels is that there isn’t much to glue them together. Individual scenes are adequate at the least and often even good, but there is nothing but the flimsiest of logic connecting them together, and that’s if the audience is even told what is happening.
Even when I was younger there was always just something wrong about the prequels and as the years went by I’ve come to understand more of what rubbed me the wrong way. Sure, the Plinkett reviews helped us laymen understand filmaking, but even without the Plinkett treatment certain things would make me and my friends scratch our heads and say, “that, that just isn’t right.”
Anyway, that was me playing the opposition. As I said above, you go right ahead and enjoy them, since I certainly won’t hold it against you. At least, not as long as you have a reason beyond irrational product loyalty…
You know, come a decade or so from now, when one of them graduates from film school or something, one of the preteens I know will probably to their own review describing how the Micheal Bay Transformers movies they used to watch suck as films…what a cycle!
There is a late 70’s early 80’s retro Sci-fi movie called “Battle Beyond the Stars” in which an evil guy comes to a peaceful TNG style planet to wipe out all the happy people dressed like a cult from the far side of tomorrow, with a stellar converter, THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPON IN THE COSMOS! And so the hero boy flies off in this ship in the shape of a moose to find a ragtag group of misfits and aliens, including a big titted Valkyrie woman 8 feet tall, to defend his planet from the baddies. That awesomely bad and fantastic stoner movie had a plot that you actually follow which automatically makes it more cohesive and structured than the star wars prequels,
Honestly, I’m not sure how you’re supposed to pull off amazing acting chops when you’re given a terrible robotic script and expected to run pretty much every single scene on a greenscreen. People dump on the actors because they’re the actual people doing the stuff, but really there’s only so much you can do with a script, set, and blocking handed to you.
What you have is something I like to call Childhood Nostalgia. You like what gave you amusement back when you were young, and it hurts to see it panned and criticized negatively. I went through this with some movies back then, like TRON and Legend. I do admit they were bad movies, and I admitted that about Legend for certain back then, but I still liked them.
It’s not bad to like a bad film, especially when you admit it’s bad.
Case in point: Disney’s The Black Hole. That’s not a great film, and it is a terrible story for the fact that it’s the robots that are the main characters of the film. They are the main heroes and villains, not the good actors they got for that film (freakin Maximillian Schell, Ernest Borgnine, Anthony Perkins, Robert Forester). The sentry robots were worse than Stormtroopers in all respects, and quite silly looking. The floating trashcans that were the heroes got even sillier, culminating in the craptacular shooting range scene that you could only get through if you had the mind of a child and just enjoyed it as such. Still, I liked it.
With Star Wars, it’s different though. The original trilogy was just awesome, though I have misgivings about Return of the Jedi. The Prequels were an opportunity for new young audiences to identify with the old audiences who grew up with the Original Trilogy. Like little kids who want to be liked by the big kids, a lot of people such as yourself reflexively became loyal because it’s somewhat identified with your generation. This doesn’t have to be the case.
Still, it’s not wrong to like a bad film, so long as you know why it’s bad and accept it.
Appreciate the feedback. I remember owning Darth Vader and Boba Fett action figures as a kid and renting the original trilogy from the video store. I became a Star Wars fan before The Phantom Menace was released. So, I actually did see the original trilogy first. I had the pleasure of enjoying all six films through the eyes of a child. Personally, I consider all six Star Wars films to be “good films”. I know the prequels will forever be widely regarded as inferior, but I still like the prequels a little more (Childhood Nostalgia). All six films are a part of my childhood. Like every Star Wars fan, there are parts of each episode I like and there are parts I dislike, but I don’t let that stop me from enjoying the entire saga. I could go on forever explaining how and why I enjoy these movies and I do have many reasons. I’m just proud to be able to enjoy them all!
Yeah, like a scene where Anakin grabs some sand person and threatens him/her to find out where his mom is, and the sand person proclaims they had nothing to do with the kidnapping and they hate it when they raid settlements or what have you. Give them SOME kind of personality!
Meh. This movie is far worse. Prometheus at least had a ‘protagonist’ and acting and decent dialog even though an at times incoherent story. It was similarly basically just a rip off of the original Alien similar to how Clones borrowed so much. Prometheus does a lot of things better than Clones though. The CGI isn’t too in your face and is more just a device. I can understand not liking the movie for its flaws, but I certainly wouldn’t call Prometheus the worst thing since bagpipes.
Seeing Anakin cut those space slugs in the bed made me wonder, “How many times did Hayden Christensen slap Portman in the face with his lightsaber before getting it right?
@Codster9:disqus ….I already don’t like your parents. While they could have showed you the amazing power of using your imagination with the originals, and how people can be really creative by actually making unique sets and props, they instead chose to dumb you down with completely over the top CG spectacle crap that has too much going on in every single scene. NO WONDER ADHD & ADD are so prevalent these days. If I grew up watching these shitty movies, I wouldn’t be able to sit still or focus on anything either, and I’d probably have PTSD too.
It’s okay though kiddo! It’s time to take your Ritalin AND Adderall. You’ll be okay, and someday when you’re a grownup, you’ll come to your senses and realize how much George Lucas raped the beloved original series in every orifice, all to take parents like yours for a proverbial “ride”.
Next you’ll be telling everyone how you like the new Indiana Jones over the original trilogy too, am I right?
You obviously didn’t read the part where I said “I remember owning Darth Vader and Boba Fett action figures as a kid and renting the original trilogy from the video store. I became a Star Wars fan before The Phantom Menace was released. So, I actually did see the original trilogy first.”
As a matter of fact, I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, but that was BEFORE I SAW EPISODE I. Maybe you have ADHD as well.
Everything you said in that description makes me want to watch that movie.
You jest, but Watto’s moment of realization that it’s Anakin (“…Ani?”) is much more realistic acting than any of the humans in the movie is able to do. So no, don’t kill him, give him his own series, on the Discovery channel, “Watto’s Junk Raiders” or something.
I think a part which annoys me a lot about the prequels is that Owen and Peru aren’t more central to the story. Owen and Peru in A New Hope seem to act as if they knew Anakin fairly well, which is completely contradictory of them in Attack of the Clones and the whole prequel trilogy in general because they only met Anakin once. When Aunt Peru says “he (Luke) has too much of his father in him” it made me feel as if she had known Anakin fairly well before he turned into Vader, as a person with an eye for adventure, one who is rebellious and not tied down to one place. The rebuttle of Uncle Owen “That’s what I’m afraid of” suggested that he was close to Anakin before he turned to the dark side, and that he had witnessed Anakin’s progression into Darth Vader and felt a sense of regret and guilt because he couldn’t prevent it from happening. Another part was the way Owen referred to Obi-Wan Kenobi as a “Crazy Old Wizard” acted as if he:
1. Thought it was his duty to try and stop Luke going down the Jedi pathway.
2. Felt that the Jedi were a huge contributor to Anakin’s demise,
3. Disliked Obi-Wan because he was Anakin’s mentor and considered him responsible for Anakin’s decent into darkness.
Perhaps I read into this too much but even so I think it would have been good to delve deeper into the relationship between Peru, Owen and Anakin in the prequels.
The prequels are a load of crap anyway.
Jar Jar Blinks being the reason for the Empire’s rise to power has got to be the joke of itself. Seriously people let’s think about this just moment. I wouldn’t be surprise if Jar Jar becomes president of space in episode 7.
I agree with your comment. If Disney were to reboot the prequel trilogy then have episode one start off 2 years into the Clone War. I think the movie would be A LOT better if the story focus on the friendship between Anakin, Owen, Obi Wan, and maybe aunt Peru. Have Anakin be the guy who advocates war against the Sepertist and wanted to join the Jedi while Owen plays the role of a pacifist. Maybe have Obi Wan be the guy to convince Anakin to join Jedi and this would give Owen reason to hate Obi Wan.
you and 4 others have no clue about special effects or filming lightsabers. Hint: the shiny part isn’t real.
You do realize it’s a joke, right?
Agreed, I can’t blame the actors. Not even the irritating little kid actors because, geez, they’re kids, they’re only doing what the adults tell them to do. If you’ve seen any of the behind the scenes bits with Lucas directing the actors, he basically treats them like CGI robots and doesn’t give them any artistic freedom at all. And I recall from the publicity back when Phantom Menace came out that Lucas was bragging about how he could take a facial expression from an actor in one shot and put it on the same actor in another shot. So the upshot is that the performances in the film are exactly how Lucas wanted them: shallow, dull, uninspired, but very pretty.
Hi, feminist here. Violence against women is not presented in these reviews in any kind of flippant way that implies it is okay. It is used as part of Plinkett’s characterization as a crazy psychopath, the underlying theme being that you can build distinctive, interesting characters in tiny buffer snippets of a movie review video, so there’s no excuse for the shitty characterizations in the prequels. He sexually assaults a cat too, but the video is not saying that cat rape is okay. And besides, Nadine is hardly some powerless, voiceless, damsel in distress.
Why do you guys keep calling her Peru? Is it an auto correct thing or something? Peru is a country Beru is Luke’s auntie.
LMAO! Oh man I can’t tell you how many times I’ve ended an debate with my nephew when he tires to explain to me about why, in his opinion, the prequels were flawless in leading up to the original films; by citing that Jar Jar nonsense. Jar Jar gave the Emperor his power base, puh-lease. Personally, I think Plinkett has it right, any and everything Jar Jar did after TPM was just a big middle finger from Lucas to the world for saying what a dumb-fuck Jar Jar was and how much we’d all like to see him executed as an enemy to the franchise. The only useful thing JJ can do with Jar Jar is have him bee bop his way into the exhaust of the Falcon and provide Chewie and Han with some roasted hasenpfeffer for dinner.
Jar Jar President of Space? The time has passed for a George W. Bush parody in Star Wars.
Said how the mass left wing media has played Bush, and that you fell for it.
not to mention a great dirty sex joke if you think about it
give it time There are many shows and movie I loved as a Kid that I cant watch now but know there are shows and movie I hated as a kid that I love . . . The same will happen to you
I thought you guys might get a kick our of this. The story goes that when one of their films was out-grossed by the other, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg would take out an ad in the paper. After Titanic blew them both away, George reached out to James Cameron in the same way:
Seems to me that George expected his prequels to be huge hits that would crush Cameron, and he was hoping Cameron would have to respond with an ad of his own.
I always thought that was her name lol, I guess thats my bad for not double checking all this time but it always sounded like they said Peru, and I’ve never once looked up her character. I do know that there is a country named Peru.
LOL, wasn’t trying to be a bonehead about the country thing, just being textually humorous. I thought it was kind of funny and wasn’t sure if it was just a writing error or a subtle Plinkett interpretation; how he misquotes things on purpose for comedic effect.
Actually, the actors using light sabers in the films have physical sticks on the end of the hilts to assist the CGI department. So, joke or not your response is quite mistaken burt.
Nope completely unintentional haha.
IIRC the Children of the Producers did actually turn up in the Original Trilogy. They just had the good sense to cram them in Jawa costumes and not give them any dialogue whatsoever.
These reviews are a mixture of criticising tone, direction, use of CGI etc, and pointing out plotholes
If you were George Lucas you might reply by saying that every movie has plotholes, and you would be right
However a movie that is enjoyable and engaging makes you not care about plotholes, because you recognise that its a fictional story/universe and some stuff might seem a bit far-fetched. Take Harry Potter as an example; the Time-Turner being introduced in Prisoner of Azkaban and then never being used again is a HUGE plothole, but I never cared about it because I was too busy enjoying a kids story about magic and stuff.
The Star Wars prequels are so uniformly awful, so flat, so bland, so boring and unengaging that the plotholes not only become noticeable, they become ludicrous. Characters inexplicably do bizarre things for apparently no reason, the real reason being that Lucas wanted to get characters to the next big CGI scene where he can show off his special effects. Characters don’t progress in any meaningful way until the last second (i.e. Anakin agreeing to murder the younglings). No-one has a brain, or independent thought, or any semblance of being a real person; they glide around like robots inevitably moving towards the next scene for no reason.
In Part 1, can anybody tell me what film(s?) those clips beginning at 8:23 are from? Starting with that brunet guy? (I know the Star Trek ones, but I don’t recognize any of the others.)
The Last Starfighter
Whenever I fuck up in life, I say, “hey, at least I didn’t create the Star Wars prequels.”
Are you kidding?
I’d love to have made the star wars prequels, george lucas got to spend five minutes writing and script and directing and is still making millions off of the shitty scripts and toys and games.
LMAO! Mike V you were funny. This was better.
Hey you went back and fixed it, good on you Phil.
“People getting jacked in this movie” (yeesh…) Painful
Say what you want about the Empire, at least they were proactive and had higher aspirations than consumer fraud. Leia said it best: “If money is all [he] want[s], then money is all [he’ll] get.”
Okay, ladies and gentlemen of the internet, you want a
better plot for an episode two, which has continuity with the originals and
explains the phrase “the Clone Wars” without making all the
stormtroopers clones (or not? By a New Hope, they’re just normal guys, right?),
here you go:
Following an Episode One in which we meet the teenaged Anakin on his father’s
moisture farm, an Obi Wan Kenobi who discovers the potential Jedi and lures him
away from his brother, and a galaxy on the brink of a civil war; we open on
episode two. In the opening act, out of fear of the growing threat posed by
separtist systems, the Republic forces the Jedi to relocate to Coruscant from
their ancient jungle temple (the Rebel base from the original film). The Jedi
are pissed off about being forced to relocate from a serene, pastoral, remote
location to a planet-sized mega-city where nature has been destroyed, and as
such they are weaker and less in tuned with the force (this happened at the end
of my imaginary episode one). The person in charge can still be a Chancellor
Palpatine, who is secretly evil (that role makes sense, it was just executed
beyond badly) and uses his increasing control of the Republic to weaken the
Jedi. He sends them off on dangerous, cinematically interesting missions, to
assassinate opponents, bribe officials, and act as soldiers, knowing that
either they will either accomplish their missions, or get killed in the process
which he also likes, because he is a Sith, and dead Jedi are fine by him. The
Jedi being coerced into serving the Republic in increasingly dubious and
un-hippie ways makes them even angrier, leading to a confrontation (verbal)
between Yoda and Palpatine in which Yoda gives a predicate-lead speech about the
Force, and how the Jedi will no longer carry out immoral tasks in the name of
the Republic and the greater good. Palpatine replies, okay, if you won’t serve
the Republic, the Republic will find others who will. The next day Palpatine
addresses the Senate (the set design looked neat, so we’ll go with the one in
the prequels) that the Republic will create a clone army to fight the rebel
systems. The Jedi (whose religion holds that there is a mystical Force uniting
all life) refuse to have anything to do with the idea of life created only to
be used to kill, call it heretical, and leave Coruscant en masse for their old
temple. The Republic then declares the Jedi outlaws and traitors to be
destroyed on sight. Now with two threats, the Jedi and the separtists,
Palpatine is allowed to conscript soldiers from systems throughout the Republic
(i.e. stormtroopers) to fight them both. Thus start the Clone Wars, wars not
fought by clones, but over clones and the threat of cloning.
In my imaginary version of the prequels, those are the larger events of the
universe, Anakin, Owen, Obi Wan, and Luke and Leia’s mother (she can be called
Padme, whatever) are characters scurrying around during these events, but
they’re not driving the plot. The are parts of a larger story, to quote the
Plinkett. Anakin isn’t destined to anything, there is no prophesy (whatever the
fuck that was, besides never properly explained, and yet the whole driving
force of Lucas’ prequels). At the end of act two of my imaginary episode three,
Anakin gets pissed off at Obi Wan because he thinks that Obi Wan knocked up his
girlfriend (hence why he doesn’t know that Luke and Leia are his kids in the
original film until the Emperor tells him), and goes to the Emperor to tell him
where all the outlaw (in my version) Jedi are, leading to the massacre of the
Jedi, and his fall from grace. You don’t really need a lava planet for Anakin
to burn in. My episode three begins with him doing some heroic space piloting,
saving the Jedi from Republic forces, loosing limbs in the process, then
getting recrimination for something or not getting credit for his bravery from
Yoda. It could be that Yoda believed that there could have been a peaceful
resolution to my action set-piece, and that Anakin was being unnecessarily and
un-Jedi-y violent. Then thirty minutes into the third movie, Anakin is pissed
off, with relatable motivation for being dissatisfied with the Jedi, which
doesn’t just involve him wanting more power. Then thinking that Obi Wan knocked
Padme up would be what caused him to snap. That would also make Yoda’s
character deeper, and for the first time make the audience have second thoughts
about Yoda. My interpretation of the Clone Wars and synopsis of the second film
would also make Uncle Owen’s motivation in A New Hope even stronger. In my
head, episode two would end with Anakin returning home to Tatooine, and seeing
his brother (whom he still loves) for the first time since episode one (my
version), only to have his brother spit in his face calling him a traitor,
gun-for-hire, heretic, because Owen believes what Palpatine has told the
galaxy. The irony being that at the end of (my) episode two, he isn’t those
things, and at the end of (my) episode three, he is.
Sorry that took almost nine-hundred words, but I like the rest of you am still hurting, and that was like therapy.
He means the audience.
I just noticed this. That machine you pointed out, the one with the red beams that is in The Last Starfighter and also Star Trek…. it’s also in Airplane II. Bonus points: William Shatner points it out.
Pardon if I’m commenting under the wrong review. It either appears in II or III. I’ve watched these all countless times so you think I would remember but…
My one serious disagreement with Plinkett is the apologist piece on Hayden Christensen. I see no evidence of acting proficiency from this guy. Like defenders who refer to something like Shattered Glass is to me like saying Keanu Reeves is a proficient actor by referencing the Matrix. The reality is Keanu’s limitations simply complimented the material in that instance. I do agree that the scripted material was such utter garbage that no one could elevate it but to say Hayden is a fine actor goes too far.
If Plinkett ever goes the Lucas route and Special Edition’s these he should revise this. I see it as a chink in the armor of an otherwise solid critique.
I do not recall seeing Mister Christensen in anything other than Star Wars. But Plinkett’s statement about him, and it is offered simply as his opinion, could apply just as much to pretty much the entire cast. Everyone who plays a major role in these prequels has a body of work that demonstrates them to be capable of much better.
Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Liam Neeson, hell, even those guys who play “security chiefs” for Portman’s character. I defy you to show me one actor who is in front of the camera in these prequels for more than five seconds, and has not put in a better performance in something else. Even the man who voices “Boss Nass”, Brian Blessed (proper pronunciation being ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡BRIAN BLESSED!!!!!!!!!) is notorious for having been in much better things. Look up the first season of Blackadder if you do not believe me. Or “Brian Blessed does snooker commentary” on YouChoob.
What I would think Plinkett is really saying when he says “Christensen is a good actor” is more that George Lucas’ direction sucks so bad that he could have the best actors in the world and they will still turn in unbelievably shitty performances. Ray Park’s performance in X-Men, whilst by no means a nuanced performance, does strengthen that theory quite nicely. (Better still, look at Christopher Lee’s appearance in Howling II.)
I saw that film myself as a little boy. Sydneydude is selling it short. It is an engaging film that highlights everything wrong with modern filmmaking. People suffer and die in it, crisis is depicted in a very real way, and in the end we have to contemplate that the victors have paid a very real price.
It shits on TPM from a great height, but it also shits on pretty much every other saga-film we have borne witness to these past few years. Hungry Games, Harry Potty, you name it.
It also makes no secret of the fact that it is basically a porting of Seven Samurai into outer space. And you can get it on Blu-ray Disc, too. I highly recommend that you do.
You’re missing my point which is specifically about Hayden.
For the record Natalie Portman is an abysmal actress. Similarly though, her performance in Black Swan proves even crap thespians can shine given the right material and direction. Doesn’t change the fact that she’s generally a crap artist. It’s the same as Mike’s general criticism of Leonardo DiCaprio (which I whole-heartedly concur with) with an allowance that his limitations worked well within Django Unchained.
In this case Hayden’s gross limitations made his casting just as inappropriate as Jake Lloyd’s. Hayden Christensen IS a bad actor. Even if George can’t control for his own directorial flaws he could mitigate them to a degree with sound casting.
PS I love Brian Blessed.
Huh, it’s also on Amazon Prime streaming, HD, so it’s (sort of) free. I’ll check it out!
I understand your point. I am not trying to sidestep it or ignore it, or anything like that.
My “counter” if you can call it that was basically about two things. That Plinkett was just basically saying “Christensen is a better actor than this” as his opinion in order to get a ball rolling. And that what he likely intended with that short opinion piece was to say “Lucas’ writing and direction sucks so bad that Michael Fassbender could not have put in a good performance here”. Or similar.
If I were in Plinkett’s shoes and doing this review over again, the only thing I would change is to make that comment about Hayden’s acting a lot longer. Maybe ten or so minutes, even. And I would go over how even Ahmed Best is capable of much better. You might notice I have a tendency to give actors the benefit of the doubt.
In my opinion, all of Star Wars prequels’ problems can be distilled down into two major problems. One, the writer/director is very bad at his job. Two, nobody else in production was brave enough to say anything about that. You could really make the most powerful and compelling review based on those two problems alone. But it would not make a very funny comedy piece, most likely.
I don’t see it that way at all. I’ll have to rewatch it (yet again) but I believe Plinkett made a point to say Hayden was a fine actor. He made other points regarding Hayden, yes, to include it’s not Hayden’s fault that the direction and script sucked and I have no beef with those points.
My interest is not in blaming Hayden for the failure of the film(s). I’m merely suggesting a refinement of a particular point in an otherwise solid critique. This could be achieved simply by omitting any judgement on Hayden’s acting ability. Or he could just as easily illustrate that like Samuel L. Jackson, he was seriously miscast due to his limitations.
The part of Ben Kenobi is bafflingly bad in the prequels but I don’t ever hear anyone complaining that Ewan’s a bad actor. Same with Qui Gon and Liam. I think that’s because despite the flaws of these movies there’s a sense that these guys if not able to elevate the material are at least attempting to make the most of it. Hayden’s performance is just as shot with incompetence as Jake Lloyd’s. He seems to have no instincts as to how to give his role any shape or humanity.
Well, yeah, it’s not like Hayden was trying to elevate the script in anyway. He just did exactly as told by Lucas. Probably was sick of the old fuck by then and just wanted to get it over with.
So he’s defeated and a terrible actor? I could see that.
That is fair enough, and I respect your judgement. My take on this whole thing is warped around the fact that I am used to people saying (for example) fukk when they mean shit, and so on. So there is that weakness on my part where I think Plinkett might say “Hayden is a good actor” and mean “this material is so awful that Robert Downey junior could not save it”.
I also tend to default to blaming the director. I vaguely recall seeing two minutes of Jake Lloyd in Jingle All The Way and thinking he was much better there than in TPM.
Lucas has gotten on the bandwagon that Hollywood and media in general has that I like to refer to as “baby-fication”. That is, all the content is watered down to the point where you would have to be a baby to think it was in any way shocking or confronting. I tend to see that babification everywhere, including Harry Potty, Twitlight, and so forth. People argue that it is to get bottoms on seats, but I think it goes way beyond that. I think that people like Rupert Murdoch et al want future generations to think it normal that people think the same way when they are 21 as they do when they are 2.
Lucas is on that bandwagon, riding it and blowing the trumpet on it like there is no tomorrow. That is what Jake Lloyd is doing in TPM. A child that has raised in slavery on a world where water would clearly be more expensive than gold does not yell “yippeeeee” constantly or idolise the people who are clearly uncaring or unaware of his plight. Lucas thinks such a child does. That is what I am talking about when I call Lucas a baby-fier.
And it is not merely Jake’s character that was babified in the prequels, either. That babification is the reason why the “romance” in Attack Of The Clods looked more like a contest to see who could look more awkward. Because Lucas is clearly unaware or unwilling to acknowledge that there are nineteen year olds in the real world who know what it feels like to have a well-lubricated pineapple put into your bottom. It is like Plinkett says in one review. Where is Paul Verhoeven when you need him?
I do not feel there was any genuinely bad acting in the films in the sense that the actors had no idea how to perform. When Anakin is force-choking Padme, for example, Natalie is at least able to make faces that communicate “my love, why are you doing this?” or similar. That is a lot better than what “actors” in some films accomplish. But I will allow this much. Even if they are not incompetent, there are actors who would have fit the roles much better than them.
The reason I lay this at the feet of Lucas, well, really there are a whole bunch of reasons. Making Anakin in TPM a nine year old boy smacks of desperation to connect with a child audience and at the same time screams babification like the sounds of those horns we hear at the end of TPM. Were I making the decisions on that film, Anakin would be fourteen years old at the very youngest, Tattooine would have been the planet seized and blockaded by a force that does not resemble offensive Chinese stereotyping, and the Jedi would have arrived just in time to fail to save Anakin’s mother whilst Anakin is desperately trying to defend her with Force powers he never knew he had. And failing. Padme, if she existed at all in this film, would be more or less the exact same age, and just be some slave girl found on Tattooine that Anakin bawls out his eyes into the arms of whilst we transition from massacre on Tattooine to the wider arc part.
I would not have cast Hayden in that part, based on his performance in Clods. But I would have at least screen-tested him with some material other than what Lucas farted at the page after pigging out at McDonald’s.
But again, everything I have said I would have done differently, with perhaps one exception, that is all on Lucas.
I have half-read, half-skimmed your prequel treatment and indeed believe it is much preferable to what we got. I would advise that a few more paragraph breaks would have helped the presentation.
For what it is worth, when Boba Fett was written about during the 1980s, his armour was specifically described as being that of the Mandalorians, a group of warriors that were defeated in the Clone Wars. It is too long ago to be sure, but I would venture that if the descriptions I read were not exactly like that, they were not far off. A little while ago I wrote some modifications to TPM in a response above here.
Well, the Mandalorians are the force that I would have invading Tattooine and being defeated by the Jedi. And they would be clones, but not perfect ones, and not all entirely look-alikes. In short, I would avoid what Lucas did regarding cloning. That is, I would not broadcast to an audience full of people who could stand to benefit from cloned cells or related medicine that I have absolutely no idea how cloning really works.
My Mandalorians would have been clones of maybe a dozen or two dozen people, and with variations that show that all is not idyllic for a clone. Deformities, obvious diseases that suggest a loss of genetic diversity, and so on. And the first film, other than Anakin failing to save his mother from them and thus being “adopted” by Obi-Wan, would be about how Jedi defeat the Mandalorian army. Anakin, the Padme I might not have in the story, and Obi-Wan would be just a few characters in a story where others turn up and do interesting things, too.
To a large extent the prequels suffer from the exact same problem that Star Trek always has. Why must every important or exciting event in the canon’s universe involve these particular characters? The additional Jedi, such as Mace Windu or whatever the other council members were called, would serve the purpose of alleviating that. Anakin and Padme are left at a place where they can “fall in love” (also very differently to what we got), and Obi-Wan goes and spends the final 30 or so minutes fighting the decisive battle against the Mandalorians.
This is why when people like Lucas insist on writing or “approving” bad screenplays, writers who need work get annoyed. I am just one of many, many thousands of writers who could have turned out a better Phantom Menace than Lucas.
“He did a fine job with the material given to him. He’s not a bad actor kids leave him alone.” Plinkett
I finally got to checking the exact language. (It was in the III review.)
I disagree on both counts. Yes the deck was stacked against the guy but all I see is poor poor handling of the admittedly terrible material and (opinion but strong one) a terrible actor.
Dean, appreciate the real dialogue. I sometimes visit comments sections like this and AV Club e.g. for mere yucks but often the cleverer than thou brinksmanship starts to wear. It’s always refreshing when there’s some straight back and forth.
Agreed on the “baby-fication” of SW and much media in general. I’m a bit jaded about it and long self-insulated against it but it struck me (and clearly others) hard when the prequels caved to it. It’s not as if the OT was perfect on this front (too much key info regarding the force is poorly thought out blather to me e.g.) but it was all forgivable given the overall quality of the series. Like Plinkett says, we’re stuck with this crap PT “forever”. It’s so bad faneditors are unable to do anything more than tone down it’s offenses.
Okay, having read in text form what Plinkett actually said, I see now why you take issue with it. For what it is worth, I do, too. I admitted earlier that I had not seen Hayden in anything else (that I remember), so I could not point the finger at him and say he is a lousy actor. I will stick to that position. But you are right when you cite poor handling of terrible material.
For example, if I had been in his place and Lucas asked me to deliver the lines that are in Clods, I would be saying to him “Well, George, my career is at stake to a far greater degree than yours, would you at least do me a favour and let me try a few takes with what I think would be coming out of my mouth if I were an awkward boy who wants to know what the inside of this other character feels like?”. Or something very close to that. Very possibly, Hayden did in fact say something like that. But I would have fought a lot harder for it. But in the end, when one is Lucas, if he makes up his mind that Padme is going to fall in love with Anakin in spite of Anakin acting less “fall in love with me” than Steve “I’m wearing you down” Urkel, nobody is going to tell him no. I remember Mr. Cranky asking in his review when the last time someone told Lucas no was.
For what it is worth, writing dialogue that is smooth-flowing and advances the story whilst being organic is not as easy as it sounds. The fictions that I write, I will do just about anything to avoid writing actual dialogue. I prefer to write locations, actions, and descriptions. But I promise you I can still write better dialogue than what turned up in Clods.
I also fantasise that one day my writing might get widely distributed and I will be in a position where I can have films made based on my writing. I would do films based on original material, too. Things like a biopic of Paul Verhoeven (“this is it, this is the film I will be remembered for” whilst at the premiere of RoboCop). Or remakes of the PT. My reply to Pop Rivets below about my story idea for TPM is a good idea of the direction my PT remake would be going in.
I just want to thank that guy whoever made this because this is basicly exactly the same thing what i always preached about Episode II what i think about Lucas and Star Wars and why the old trilogiy is better. Not only because of the story and the more realistic charakters, also due to its looks. I mean if you take a robot for example, a robot always looks more real when its made out of real material, so why in the hell computer animate it then? A spaceship also, if you have a real life model its so perfect, because it has the real feeling. Even those animated creatures in the special edition are looking so fake, it really bothers me. Its like having that monster inc. guy in the movie for a special appereance. They could at least tried to maintain the look of the old star wars trilogy, but no cgi this cgi that, till it sucks out every little bit of reality and whats left is some guys in front of a bluescreen jumping around like in the most cheapest scifi productions. Real models are superior when it comes to create a realistic look but the prequels came out the wrong time, when everybody was hyped about the new technological possibilites, and forget about the rest. Like THIS guy says they have put so much effort into trying to load as much shit as possible in every single shot as possible that they completly forget about whats relevant.
Yeah i could go on and on, but someday i will watch this again or show it to others and i am glad somebody made this. Thank you.
I know you hate people saying “this or that is in this book” or whatever, Plinkett. But I want to point something out that can be used to further demonstrate how much Lucas’ writing sucks.
In the novelisation of The Phantom Menace, several sand people attack whatever Mos it is that Anakin and Shmi are slaves in. Anakin discovers a wounded sand person out in the outskirts. He cares for, helps, and waits whilst the other sand people come to claim, this sand person.
I point this out because this scene in TPM would have done two things. One, it would have gone a long way to show the “good” in Anakin that we are told he has. And two, it would have given the sand people murdering scene a great deal more impact.
It really speaks to Lucas’ poverty as a storyteller that people who adapt his work into other forms do the things that he should be doing himself.
He knows that, he’s making a point (i.e. Jango is just a way to shoehorn in the imagery of Boba from “Empire”, just like all the rest of the callbacks to that movie).
No, it’s Boba. As in, yet another element borrowed from Empire and shoehorned in this movie in as awkward a way as possible. There is literally no difference between the two characters and there is no good reason for any Fetts to be involved in the new movies at all, except as another pointless callback to nostalgia. That’s the whole point in repeatedly misnaming him in these reviews.
“I’m just proud to be able to enjoy them all!”
Why is that something to be proud of?
Just look at that burning hatred of Lucas.
Why the fuck did Obi Wan jump through the window to grab the droid anyways? He could have just force pulled the droid towards him. We see from Empire Strikes Back that Jedi are easily able to use the force to move droids.
I think kids are in it because he wanted to stroke his own ego more by creating an even larger universe. It also reflects the lore established in other media. I am not endorsing that–a more focused story is better, but I think there is more reason to it than “children will buy toys”–he probably already knew that. It may of been an attempt to make the movies seem more kid friendly, too, since new standards have arrived.
It seems that Jango is hitting Obi’s ship, but it goes back to the problem with the shields. Why is he even trying if he can’t hit the shield generator that is under the shields? Eh.
I know Plinkett makes this point in the Episode 3 review, but the scene with the little kids with the lightsabers just really bothers me visually. Once again the scene presents to us the limitations of doing EVERYTHING in front of a blue screen. As Plinkett says they should be in a gym, far away from each other as they twirl their lightsabers around. No child would ever stand around like they do in the movie. It’s also frustrating considering how awesome a scene of Jedis-in-training jumping around in an awesome technological gym would have been. But no, instead we just get another scene with lightsabers, while ripping off something else from the original films.
He was only the beginning.
Because that would make sense, which would really stand out in these movies.
There are so many examples of characters, saying things and then contradicting themselves. We’re keepers of the peace… We will get to the bottom of this affair… etc.
But one I never noticed until now. The whole prequel trilogy is about the evils of attachment, and how Jedi have to learn to let go of everything they fear to lose.
But then they get half the Jedi order killed and start the clone wars, because they drop into a situation where they are outnumbered a thousand to one to save the lives of three people.
Wouldn’t monks who are disciplined against taking rash action over attachment just figure losing three lives is better than dozens?
Jocelyn is so good in this stuff, it’s a shame we don’t see more of her… I mean see her in more stuff.
But really, she’s great.
No kidding. Rewatching this, she’s so good at the quiet moments and not just the crying. Her “… what?” is perfect. GETCHA REVENGE, BABY!
But it’s the CHOSEN ONE, Anakin, who’s prophesied to do…something, or other… ;D
”O’ Anakin, Anakin! wherefore art thou Anakin? Deny thy father, and refuse thy name; Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I will no longer be a Senator.”,”I don’t like sand”,”Huh?”.”It’s course and rough and it gets everywhere”,”Oh.. um.. I got to go, bye!”
Mike Crotchless sounds like Dr. Zoidberg at times. most of the time.
Would anyone else totally play the hypothetical jedi game Plinkett parodied?
“Who the fuck are these people?”
What if Mr. Plinkett is Robert Durst, and that’s why he’s not been making reviews in a while.
You’re whole section in Part 2 about how Anakin could possibly win the heart of Padme is unbelievably accurate in comparison to real life.
To bring balance to my nuts.
Yeah, better to just go full retard! 😉
“every movie is good if you’re a true star wars fan”
Wow, never heard such zealous defense of the prequels.
Well I guess all the “true star wars fans” were born after 1990 then…
If those two are not super horny in those scenes Anakin would creep the fuck out of Padme in rl. Imagine kids see this and go “ah…that’s how I will get my girlfriend”. Guess police will have a lots to do in the future because of “stalking”…
To the reviewer: You sir, are a fine human being!! I just spent 2 hours watching 2 of your Star Wars reviews…..time well spent!
In my experience, supporting fascism, telling women they shouldn’t vote, and other similar things works wonders. You just need to do it with a twinkle in your eye.
How did he know the window would break? This is a futuristic alien society with advanced, vastly superior technology, so it wouldn’t be made of glass. It would be completely immune to blunt force trauma that a human could do. Obi Wan would smash into it, and the window wouldn’t budge or be damaged at all.
Keep in mind that Empire is the part which Lucas had barely anything to do with.
Hence, it’s the best one.
Yeah, that too. Padme’s apartment was in a skyscraper 90000 feet above the ground, the windows in skyscrapers are extra thick to PREVENT someone from smashing through them.
ha ha this guy is awesome
Compare the opening chase scene in Attack of the Clones with that in The French Connection. In The French Connection it’s basically just a stunt man driving from one end of the street to the other, and another man in a train. Yet it’s 100 times better than all the hijinks that Lucas’ computers could make, and one of the most famous chase scenes in cinema history. That’s because in The French Connection, we are invested in what’s happening because the plot has been building for an hour, because it looks real rather than the loony-toons enviroment in AOTC (in fact parts of it were), and because of what it tells us about the characters.
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