Half in the Bag: Twilight – Breaking Dawn Part 2

November 21, 2012346 Comments

Yep. We saw the new Twilight movie.


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Filed in: General UpdatesHalf in the Bag

  • jason

    My favorite filme

  • http://www.facebook.com/SamOku Samet Offthechain

    made my day :D thx mike and jay !

  • Don

    Dear Mr. Plinkett,

    All I want for the Holidays are more Half in the Bag & Plinkett Reviews and Audio Commentaries tracks :)

    PS: Have I missed anything?

  • Copyright1991

    he’s dead
    so he has rigor mortis
    constant boner
    bam!

    • splimis

      They must have fucked a LOT when rigor mortis hit because that shit lasts about 72 hours.

      • http://www.sunnystrangers.blogspot.com/ Bryan M. White

        If your rigor mortis lasts more than 72 hours, consult your physician.

    • http://www.facebook.com/shane.nolan.338 Shane Nolan

      but that still doesnt explain how he coud have sex with kirsten stewart

      • Kyran

        Vampiragra

  • http://en-pi.facebook.com/people/Justin-Castleberry/1310361080 Justin Castleberry

    In my opinion, the books are actually worse, because the actors in the movies are intentionally bad, and have that redeeming quality. The books have awful descriptions, too much time focused on the wrong thing, and have worse dialogue (usually)

  • strongbob25

    Mike… Jay…I’m so sorry you saw Twilight. If there’s anything I can do for you guys, just let me know.

    • http://twitter.com/madhi19 John G

      That 2 hours of your life you never get back! Now stop screwing around and release the next Plinkett review!

      • Dalad Jelly

        Legend of the Galactic Heroes > Star Wars

        • http://www.facebook.com/deejaytaufiq Mohamad Taufiq Morshidi

          This.

          LOGH is what the Star Wars prequels should have looked like.

          The dialogue in LoGH is nuanced and well-written. The character dynamics in the series is what the Prequels should have. You connect with characters like Yang Wen-Li, Oliver Poplan, Dusty Attenbrough and Walt Schenkopp because they are written as characters that gave a shit and thus, you care about them. Also, you know everything about them and you tend to know each character personally.

          I wish Lucas had made the Prequels written with characters that you care about. I know everything about Julian Minci throughout the entire series, yet i don’t even know anything about Anakin Skywalker in the three prequel films.

          • DukeTogo

            There are a few youtube mashups of LOGH and Star Wars.

          • guest

            Glad you guys mentioned LOGH. Grew up on Star Blazers and Robotech (only to discover they were Space Battleship Yamoto and Macross) Also Captain Harlock. Never heard of LOGH before but it’s great, making my way through it right now. Considering how Lucas intended to make the prequels for children, watching some classic Japanese space opera cartoons couldn’t have hurt his efforts.

          • Mark Bisone

            Yeah, watching 937 hours of stilted dialogue, genderless characters, and 4-frame Japanese animation couldn’t have hurt George’s efforts. Just his heart, his brain and his immortal soul.

            Now, let’s all sing the National Anthem of Aspergia:
            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44MyrH4jwOQ&feature=player_embedded

          • guest

            Didn’t know you had an anthem.

            Your problem might be affecting your ability to recognize this, but let me help you out here – you’re sharing a lil bit too much information with that one.

            As for Lucas, a heart, a brain, a soul? I suspect if you cut him open, sawdust would pour out. Or lava. Or snakes and bugs. Or something.

          • Mark Bisone

            Ah, I see you’re falling back on the “I’m rubber and your glue” defense. A retarded classic. Well played, weeaboo manchild.

          • guest

            Your problem with asbergers probably prevents you from modeling the thinking of others, but I assure you the more you post the worse you look to any onlookers. …and your big comeback is “u iz retarded u iz child” …demonstrating your total lack of imagination for all to see. I wouldn’t have sniped at you but for your dull, humorless posts.

          • Mark Bisone

            I dunno… From the looks of things here, people seem to like me and think that you are a giant brain-damaged Anime faggot. Some of my best friends are giant faggots, but they have functioning brains, and therefore hate ponderous Jap Anime bullshit.

            Now, run on back to Livejournal and write a 10,000 word screed about how some guy named Mark “othered” you on a webzone, you degenerate autistic otaku freak. Either that or grow a pair and sign up for an account, so I can smack you around on a regular basis }:-)

          • http://www.facebook.com/deejaytaufiq Mohamad Taufiq Morshidi

            Why did my comment start a flamewar?

          • Steve B.

            Because internet.

          • Adam Warlock

            Anime bundle of sticks? Anime cigarette? I’m not sure where your going with this.

          • gust

            did someone say weeaboo?

          • theawesome

            Perhaps the best response to a troll ever conceived (even if Mark really just walked into that one)!

        • Mark Bisone

          Asperger’s Syndrome is a horrifying disease.

          • guest

            We sympathize. Hopefully one day there will be a cure to your awful affliction.

      • http://www.facebook.com/masonww Mason Wiszniewski-Whitebean

        here here!

    • http://www.facebook.com/deejaytaufiq Mohamad Taufiq Morshidi

      They may have gone too far in a few places

      • http://profiles.google.com/charlesp2009 Charles Petrosky

        Well, stylistically it’s designed to be that way, and you can’t undo that, but you can diminish the effects of it.

        • Rick McCallum

          *Sitting frozen and utter shock*

          • Steven Spielberg

            ‘s gonna be great.

          • George Lucas

            Kinda like poetry

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mads-Bolding-Fenger-Poulsen/1513209391 Mads Bolding Fenger Poulsen

            Each stanza rhymes with the last one… hopefully it will make Martin Sheen hammy.

          • Rick something

            its so dense.

          • George Lucas

            it’s gonna be great

          • Steven Spielberg

            ‘s gonna be great.

          • George Lucas

            That’s gonna be great.

  • asdf

    still waiting for that plinkett review!

  • dontpokethebear3893

    i love you guys

  • PwnPocalypse

    Mt g/f made me go see this with her. I was the only one in the theater who was in sheer agony…These movies really are terrible.

  • Ezekiel

    That point you had about the leads having no chemistry, despite dating in real life, is really funny to me because I’ve always assumed that the real life relationship was contractually obligated until a few months after the last movie releases in theaters. It’s just a huge publicity thing, and the whole cheating fiasco was just one of them having a real relationship outside the fake one. It’s a stupid theory, but it’s at least slightly plausible, right?

  • Bloodopera

    TROLOLOL the joke is a uninformed review. Wait, you guys understand that you end up watching an uninformed review. Wich isnt that fun.

    • chud

      Who the hell cares? Why should they give a proper, well-informed review of fucking Twilight?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Anthony-Golding/788454806 Anthony Golding

      Ohhhhh looks like we have ourselves a twi-hard! Notice the spelling and grammar used to defend a terrible, terrible story.

    • http://twitter.com/DeeTheMagician Dee

      That’s what they do: they review a movie based on its merits as a MOVIE and not how well it translated whatever it was based upon. That’s why “it’s better/different/explained in a book” is not a valid argument – we’re not reviewing the book, we’re reviewing the movie. The movie should be able to stand on its own merits if it’s well done.

    • zero_miles_per_hour

      They’re informed in the sense that they know a lot about movies, which I would argue is more fun than if they were informed in the sense of knowing a lot about Twilight drama and canon.

  • Khaled

    Blip is fucking pathetic, I can’t watch the video without having to pause and wait every few second.

    • chud

      That’s your computer/internet connection’s problem, not Blip.

    • Andy S

      It’s your computer. Delete the System32 folder and all will be well.

  • FunHater

    Vampire Baby

    • Leo Ladenson

      I’ll see your “Vampire Baby” and raise you two “Giant Death Robes.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/shane.nolan.338 Shane Nolan

    does this mean there is never going to be a plinkett dissection of the entire twilight series?

    • Leo Ladenson

      Thankfully, yes.

    • zero_miles_per_hour

      more like vivisection

    • Andy S

      No need, we know what killed it and why.

  • http://twitter.com/upsettingshorts Gary Alexander

    The Twilight movies have some of the best Rifftrax, at least, and I’ve seen them all several times with those tracks over it. That’s going to be my excuse for knowing answers to various Twilight questions. God help me.

    • JoeJoe

      The Rifftrax versions make it _extremely_ palatable. Those guys really can’t hide their hate for those pebble sized unflushable turd movies.

    • Tom Craig

      I highly recommend watching these with Rifftrax. It helps to showcase that these movies are actually comedies. And are way funnier than any Adam Sandler movie.

      • General Grievance

        Red Letter Media, Screen Junkies, and now I’ve just been introduced to Rifftrax! My life is complete, thanks Tom! :D

  • http://twitter.com/EvielKhon Rom Ponce

    When is the next Plinkett’s Review?

    • Robby

      I may be mistaken, but I believe they released one last year just before Christmas. My guess would be we still have about another month to go.

      • Ianuarius

        Yup… there’s definately a schedule.

        • ASSHOLE

          But when is the next Plinkett review?

  • Moff

    I don’t even wanna know how many pizza rolls, hookers, and cats it will take them to recover. :(

  • Pizza Roll

    As a fucking asshole who dislikes everything, I’m disappointed you can no longer dislike without having to sign up.

    • proterozoic

      I disliked this comment just to see if it was possible.

  • Pete

    Hope you guys review The Hobbit!

  • http://twitter.com/upsettingshorts Gary Alexander

    Breaking Dawn Part 1 has the sharpest tonal shift in film history. It goes from a movie about a wedding and honeymoon to anti-abortion body horror with Bella looking like she had just been liberated from Dachau. It has to be seen to be believed.

    • http://wrongsirwrong.blogspot.com/ Magic Xylophone

      That sounds like a positive.

  • jt

    Could you guys shove in any more fucking popups and commercials in a 20 minute review??

    • Ezekiel

      Donate some money and then get adblock, if it bothers you so much. They need to make money some way.

    • DeuceKathrynBigelow

      It’s less than a fucking episode of TV, you ungrateful shit. “Wah wah this free content that I like is being kept alive by advertisements I don’t like wah wah.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Olejko/1097421544 Chris Olejko

    Scccreeewwwww this shit, give me more Gamestation 2.0!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001000782571 Brogan Cordova

    Those aren’t…..questions people who have watched the other movies can answer. Those are legit plot holes.

  • pandaman

    I’m so surprised at the lack of Rich Evans in this episode. The president of the Rich Evans fan club will hear about this.

    • Johnay

      It’s the ‘Rich Evans’ Laugh Fan Club’. Rich Evans himself has no fans

  • http://www.facebook.com/nicktheofficeninja Nicholas Collins

    The thing that’s most baffling is; they know the movie will be a fucking huge mega hit but it looks like they made it on an Ed Wood budget. I mean I hate Transformers but at least with those movies you can see they at least put some effort in the movie, I mean you can see where the 150 fucking million dollars went. Twilight looks like a fucking money laundering scam, did Adam Sandler produce it?

    • http://twitter.com/Tea557 Tea557

      The budgets have been pretty low on them as a whole, the first one cost about 36 and the second 50ish, which is crazy considering they made so much.

    • http://wrongsirwrong.blogspot.com/ Magic Xylophone

      Breaking Dawn Part II cost 136,000,000 fucking dollars to make. Think of what Neill Blomkamp managed to do with $30 million in District 9.

    • Adam Warlock

      This why this production company is brilliant. Minimal effort + star struck tweens = $$$$$$$$$.

  • jubalbiggs

    Ok; I have officially never seen any Twi-book or Twi-flik. I am therefore perfectly qualified to answer all your questions. Ready?
    1 He gets a boner because… It’s his special power; like that other dude can move water, he can move his willie. (He can also make it sing and dance, but that’s not in the film).
    2 How they run around the world; you don’t realize this, but half of the upper decks of all Virgin Air 747s are reserved for Vampys. They have a special deal with the airline. Sometimes the pretty vampys have to work as stewardesses to pay for their flight though.
    3 Why they brought so many people to kill one vampire baby. Because last time they had to go through this rigamarole, it turned out to be Hellboy.
    4 there was lava 100 feet down because the author was making a metaphysical reference to Earth bleeding (hence; vampires), which is actually a veiled reference to ecological destruction as a result of human activity.
    5 The vampys developed X-Man powers like Tinkerbell in the Peter Pan play comes back to life; the audience has to clap if they believe in fairies, and she resurrects on stage. Similarly, if enough stupid 14 year old girls dress all “goth” and stuff, the vampys develop massive X man powers. Theoretically, if every human on Earth shopped at Hot Topic, their top-end power potential is pretty much godlike.
    There; answered all the questions I can remember. This is official canon, coming from someone who has never seen any of the books or movies.
    You’re welcome.

  • Robert Dickmuncher

    As always, an awesome episode of “Not a Plinkett review”!

  • Mark Bisone

    The key to understanding the franchise is that, while the Star Wars prequels were films for babies, the Twilight movies are films “by” babies. Babies are now writing bestselling literature, directing major studio pictures, designing CGI special effects and running for high political office. You’ve come a long way, babies!

    • http://www.facebook.com/deejaytaufiq Mohamad Taufiq Morshidi

      Well, the writer is a Mormon and thus, everything awkward about the series is based on Mormon imagery.

      Every single time KStew bites her lip, it reflects well on the story of how every one of Brigham Young’s wives bite their lips when they met him for the first time.

      • Mark Bisone

        What the fuck has this got to do with babies? Stay on topic, please.

        • Andy S

          Vampire baby.

          • Mark Bisone

            Bless your heart.

    • Christopher Kulik

      Mike Judge’s IDIOCRACY has officially come true.

      • http://www.facebook.com/gene.parmesan.927 Gene Parmesan

        Hopefully “Extract” doesn’t come true too, or else everybody would be in a constant state of boredom.

  • BenjaminW

    The scars you have inflicted upon yourselves in the viewing of this movie shall not be forgotten. You guys rock!

    • Andy S

      I think we should erect statues in their honour, bearing the legend “They watched so we did not have to”.

      • 555film

        Right, they’re are watching them over there so we don’t have to watch them over here.

        Fortunately, they’ll be able to send unmanned drones to watch any future Twilight sequels. Just try not to accidentally take any collateral Lars Von Trier videos if you feel you have to use the hellfires next time.

      • snooglegoo

        They sacrificed so that we may live. Mike and Jay we salute you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/james.auld.169 James Auld

    It’s interesting that you mentioned how much Michael Sheen hammed it up in this movie. I thought he was WAY over the top in ‘Tron: Legacy’ as well; like his performance just didn’t fit into that movie. What is it with him and his hammy performances??

  • No Seriously

    Anyone else think that spit take was extraordinarily realistic? better acting there than the entirety of the twilight films

    • http://wrongsirwrong.blogspot.com/ Magic Xylophone

      In Twilight, the challenge was to not do a spit take when they read the script.

  • Ron Burgundy

    Well that escalated quickly…

  • http://twitter.com/bbhaver2 bbhaver

    Even the trailer made me cringe.

  • Erik

    You didn’t say if I should go see it. I have no idea what to do now.

    • http://www.facebook.com/deejaytaufiq Mohamad Taufiq Morshidi

      Wait for the Rifftrax of the movie.

      It’s the only thing that makes Twilight bearable.

      • Tom Craig

        THIS.

      • Cuberly

        With the rifftrax is the only way PERIOD to watch this dreck. The first two rifftrax are pretty much classics. But I have to admit the most recent one, the first part of the two-parter.The movie was so bad, and not in a good way, that I was distracted too much by just how horrendous it was. My friends and I where literally freaking the hell out at how horrible it was.
        Have to admit though that I’ll be seeing this with the rifftrax as well. With lots of beer.

        • http://www.facebook.com/john.yaple.3 John Yaple

          My girlfriend forced me to watch the first 2 twilight films. Literally every scene I was out of my seat screaming at the TV. I understand the TV won’t answer me, but it did little to help the mindfuck I was experiencing.

  • S G

    Great to see you guys finally biting the bullet and doing Twilight. Still hoping for a Plinkett-review on the series, but I guess those films are just too damn boring and the “story” is so thin that they simply don’t deserve it.

    Seriously: I didn’t quite get the Harry Potter-craze either, but those films at least *had* individual stories, some halfway interesting characters and a through story. Read: They’re halfway entertaining. Twilight OTOH just looks like a giant, pretentious snooze-fest with boring, self-obsessed teens staring at each other (love?) or stammering bad dialogue (drama?). Plus it has the lamest, softest, gayest vampires ever (sparkling? “vegetarian” vampires??). In this universe, there really seems to be no downside to being a vampire.

    I’m proud to say I haven’t seen any of them. I did however see snippets of the Rifftrax-versions on youtube and on that basis, I’m seriously considering buying the entire fucking “saga” along with those commentaries.

    Almost forgot: How is it that vampires in Twilight can talk, when it’s established that they don’t breathe?

    • zero_miles_per_hour

      In mythology vampires are spectral beings, basically like visible ghosts. You can see and hear them but they’re not really there. I think Twilight vampires are different though, more akin to zombies which don’t have any particular need or inclination to breathe but are still able to physically contract and expand their lungs to force air through their larynges.

      • braaaaaaaains

        Sparkling zombies? Count me in.

      • S G

        Err nope.. as far as I’m aware, vampires were originally imagined as living corpses in folklore – blood-sucking zombies, rising from the grave. People in the Balkans would open up graves and decapitate corpses if they thought they were vampires. But sparkling zombies sound like an interesting concept.. are you listening, George Romero?

  • desktoppriest

    I think it’s gotten to the point where we all need Lightning Fast VCR Repair work shirts.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_4Y3RYPSAUMM5SQ4NB24BUS5GXE Edward

      They should sell them in the store.

  • enemysprout

    Can’t help thinking this episode is as close as the guys will ever come to doing a Jack and Jill.

    • guest

      What does that even mean?

  • JarJarEarlJones

    Talk about low-hanging fruit

  • VCR>DVD

    Mike looks so sad to have seen this movie. I’ve never seen him say “yeah” so many times in such a defeated voice before. Particularly from 18:00 to 18:30, it’s hilarious!

  • Leo Ladenson

    I’m too busy typing up answers to the Twilight Questions to comment here.

  • Zachery Ware

    I don’t think you guys understand, these films are terrible (would be a great plinket review in my opinion). I have seen all the films, and I can saw this film was by far the best one, and I mean BY FAR the best twilight film. You can’t imagine how TERRIBLE! the other films are, this one at least at a plot, and characters taking action and doing something. The other films, fail to even do that. You guys should really at least attempt to watch one of the other films, you’ll be AMAZED by how bad they are.

    • Ricardo Hernández Vega

      Sinner, repent!

      Financing evil… lowly you are.

  • Maraselah

    I read that these movies are top grossers not just because of the audience but the abnormally low cost. They economize with the whole thing.

    • S G

      There are definetly plenty of people watching this shit. $141 million isn’t exactly small change.. and that’s just what the movie made on its first weekend. Skyfall (which had the best start of any Bond-film) “only” made $88 million on its opening weekend.

  • rossco

    The funniest opening to HITB is the Transformers review where you stare into the camera in absolute bored horror.

  • playdude92

    I like movies?

  • hm?

    Wait… what the heck are you guys doing back at Plinkett’s house?

  • Ralph

    All the movies are horrible. As for your questions, I can’t answer any of them because the movies are so fucking bad they bring shit up out of nowhere and constantly break their own rules. Fuck Twilight.

  • Picky?

    Why does the lighting in this episode seem off?

  • ChadHuskins

    How do vampires travel? A blood vessel, silly!

  • Guest

    Where is Plinkett? Why are you in his house?

    WHAT A PLOT HOLE!

    • Obligatoryboss

      I’m pretty sure that this was just a premonition put in their heads by a magic vampire of the hell they’d have to go through if they actually did see the movie.

  • Meester Smeeth

    Vampires used to be so cool. So cool. Why did this have to happen? Why did any of this have to happen? : (

  • Bob

    I like how so many movies the days are nothing but scams

    fuck the pain away

  • Daniel Sokoloff

    C’mon guys, really? Don’t encourage this Twilight crap.

    • http://wrongsirwrong.blogspot.com/ Magic Xylophone

      Yeah, because this is really what’s going to turn the tide.

  • BusinessMonkeyFilms

    Just want to say that this episode and especially the joke about ‘fucking the baby’ and the creepy laugh made my day. I’ve been having a very crappy day in the editing room, and coming home to this simply changed my mood completely. Thank you so much for making this hilarious (and even informative) review!

  • azuma

    “There’s not enough material in this movie for one movie, let alone two.” Wuh?

    • guest

      What’s confusing about that?

      • 555film

        I think it was an oblique point that babies ruin everything in TV and film – also a subtle reference to that tale of Solomon’ solution to the two women fighting over one baby – to offer to cut it into two. Problem solved, bam. Not only for them but for the film! Well, okay there was not enough material in the one baby to make two babies…

        That would make for an interesting montage sometime in a plinkett review – Babies Ruin Everything – show all the tv shows and movies babies have ruined.

      • azuma

        It’s confusing because they haven’t seen the first part of the movie, which means Jay couldn’t have been talking about there being enough material for the whole, two-part movie, and on the other hand, nobody’s suggesting that the second part should have been split into two as well. Slip of the mind, that.

  • George Berman

    more like Twilight: Breaking Wind

  • Dumb asshole

    Where is Part 1 of the review?

    • Dickhole

      Hahahahahahahaha~ Shut up.

  • CP

    Now Twilight is a series I’d hope they’d never seen before – too bad they acknowledged the existence of this series…

  • Robby

    So if you’re going to answer questions about Twilight in the next review, will it be called Half in the Bag: Twilight – Breaking Dawn Part 2 Part 2?

  • http://www.facebook.com/TimeToChewBubbleGum Jason Argus Matthew

    Mike and Jay, I commend you both for being brave enough to weather this disaster for the rest of us. You are true heroes. I shall make a holiday in your honor.

  • http://twitter.com/friar_zero Friar Zero

    Didn’t Anne Rice do the x-men powers for vampires first? It’s a long tradition amongst bullshit vampires.

    • Andy

      Nah, Anne Rice’s vampires were still pretty traditional vampires, even if they were super pretty. They didn’t have X-men powers.

      • http://twitter.com/friar_zero Friar Zero

        Lestat had telepathy and someone else had pyromancy, and flight, and telekinesis It’s even in one of the movies (Queen of the Damned?)

  • jiold

    Also, Happy Thanksgiving!

  • Robby

    Baby Insurance

  • Guest

    Hard to believe you were baffled by going to the final part of a serial without seeing the rest.

  • Skagboy

    wow! I know everybody knows that Twilight sucks, but your review series just wouldn’t be complete if you, guys wouldn’t talk about it.

  • Doriknsonsnsn

    Where is the “Vampire babies!” quote from?

  • http://twitter.com/MikeJakermen Mike Jakermen

    Im surprised you guys haven’t watch Twilight before. I mean its bad. But if watch it with Rifftrax. Its actually hilarious.

  • duckler

    That damn radio looks like a District 9 alien, that’s all I ever see!

  • Karl Hungus

    The X-Men powers come from the fact that the Twilight and X-Men movies are all shot in Vancouver. Script pages get mixed up, nobody notices, boom.

  • Screwby

    I’m only going to see this for Rami Malek. God, the shit I sit through to see my favourite actors…

  • misterclock

    Hi RLM crew, I was wondering which film series will still be talked about in ten years? Michael Bay’s Transformers or the Twilight saga?

    • Tom

      neither hopefully

  • http://www.facebook.com/jared.king.1257 Jared King

    Can you release a 5 second YouTube clip of Robert Patterson saying “Vam-Pire Bay-Bee”?

  • nobodycares

    That was very funny. It was very good.

    And now bedtime.

  • Robby

    I have an answer for all your Twilight questions: Who gives a fuck?

  • http://www.facebook.com/MaaShinn Matthew Shannon

    I really don’t get why the twilight movies are popular… the books are okish i guess, but seriously, wtf.

  • vicomtepicabia

    It’s a good thing they put in the huge epic battle even though it was a gyp and not real, cuz otherwise it would have been exactly like the ending of Monty Python and the Holy Grail except played seriously instead of as a joke.

    • dennett316

      I actually think the movie approach is worse than the books approach. The movie gives you this big daft action sequence with characters getting their heads ripped off and idiotic super powers, so you think “Finally, something’s happening in this shit pile, at least it was building to something”. But no, it was all bullshit…it’s like the movie is rubbing it in at that point with just how much time you’ve wasted. It could have had that bad-ass stuff in it, but nah, here’s what you really get.

  • fuck movies

    plinkett review wont be up until december 15th

    • General Grievance

      I need my heroin, I mean Plinkett fix much sooner than December 15th…i hope u r wrong about that date!

  • Xerxes

    All these movies are like, Meyer flipped through a Vampire: The Masquerade book when bored in a bookstore once and decided she outdo it by making it stupid and boring.

  • Ozy

    i dont see how anyone can find kristen stewart attractive.. i remember watching panic room and it was about 45 mins in when jodie foster said something like “my daughter needs her insulin”… i honestly turned to the person i was watching it with and said “what the fuck? thats a girl?” true story

    • dennett316

      She’s an attractive woman in certain photos, but most of the time she just has a look of smugness about her that makes her extremely easy to dislike. I was going to say she has a punchable face – you just see a person and instantly want to smack them – but didn’t want people to take it to mean I advocate beating up women….you know how the internet gets.

  • http://www.facebook.com/raphael.goettenauer.1 Raphael Goettenauer

    Even the review of ir is boring….

  • http://twitter.com/MFalz01 Marvin Falz

    Don’t get me wrong: I like Rich Evans’ boobery and all the stories in the Half in the Bag universe. But I was pleasantly surprised that the whole show consisted of 25 minutes of pure movie review talk.

    • http://twitter.com/FACLC FACLC

      That was the ‘meta’ part of this review: in this episode of Half in the Bag, just like in the movie, NOTHING HAPPENED.

  • lord voldemort

    you guys really took a hardcore bullet in seeing this movie… thank you so much for giving me the heads up that this movie inst the fantastic & timeless story that i thought it was going to be… in no way did i think this movie was going to be a big pile of smash testicle shit before your review… not just a real fucking pile of garbage… not just a really really really big disastrous gathering of twats and despair… this review should have been similar to what you did for that shitty dancing movie (?) a while ago… 3 seconds long… also, i still enjoyed spending 25 minutes watching you be baffled by how bad it was :) also, plinket review?

  • http://www.facebook.com/robynavich Robyn Boynton Muth

    oh my god I lost track of time, I’m totally going to be late for work

  • derp

    Wanna know what happens in Part 1? Marriage They fuck They fuck They fuck They fuck They fuck MONTAGE They fuck They fuck, BELLAS PREGNANT, What do we do now? Bella dies, munch munch munch she’s a vampire the end. Right a werewolf wants to fuck a baby to.

  • Halek

    Answers to questions

    - Erections: vampire ‘venom’ takes the place of blood and can move to different parts of the body without a heartbeart. (Note: lymph moves around the human body through muscle contraction.)
    - The baby was CGI because Renesmee is described as having a full set of teeth as well as intelligence and awareness that is far advanced for her age.
    - Only the Cullen family – which has nine members – lives in that house permanently (the house is not secret; they hide their vampirism from local humans who know them). The rest of the vampires were recruited for the confrontation with the Volturi, the self-proclaimed enforcers of vampire law.
    - Vampires sometimes take airplanes, including private and chartered aircraft. However, the Amazonians may have ran there.
    (Note: the Volturi have vast financial resources and human minions, like the vampires in the Blade series.)
    - The Volturi didn’t gather so many allies just to kill the baby but in order to overwhelm the Cullen family’s allies. Aro’s real motivation was to forcibly claim Alice because of her ability to see the future; the mysterious child was just a pretext.
    - Benjamin has control over elements (folkloric four elements, not modern chemical elements), including earth, so perhaps he converted solid rock to magma or summoned magma from deeper down.
    - Becoming a vampire often awakens latent abilities; vampire special powers were present all along in the series.

    • Halek

      In addition, Jacob is not sexually attracted to baby or child Renesmee and will not be until she is grown up, as in Alice’s vision of Edward, Bella, Jacob and adult Renesmee after the confrontation. Obviously the situation would still be unacceptable in the real world, but so would certain scenarios in other fantasy films, such as The Time Traveler’s Wife.

  • Pace202

    Cant you guys review real movies? Like why not review Lincoln? Or Cloud Atlas? I’d be curious to know your thoughts on “decent” films…rather than always reviewing trash films.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=5010261 Matthew Bearry

      They just reviewed Skyfall last week.

      • Mister_Misinformed

        Did they review it or sit there and make petty sarcastic comments about anyone who didn’t like it? I tuned out after five minutes of that.

        • guest

          They liked it a lot. Maybe you should watch the whole thing instead of complaining about the fact that they complain, thus missing the whole point.

      • Pace202

        Id hardly call a James Bond flick a real film.

        • dennett316

          Oh wow…pretentious much?

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=5010261 Matthew Bearry

          Well I’m terribly sorry that a new Citizen Kane isn’t released every other week. If such a thing could happen, then Jay and Mike could review it (for free, by the way) and you could sit comfortably in your high-speed internet connected home and watch a great review of a critically acclaimed movie. Otherwise, who knows what you could do with your life…douche.

          • Pace202

            There are movies out there released even amidst the overwhelming trash, that dont involve convoluted plot lines, big explosions, sex, cliche character portrayals, and marketing tricks designed to convince people what their watching is good. I’m sorry if you think Skyfall (or any James Bond flick) serves to be nothing more than a popcorn blockbuster flick.

            What I am talking about is ACTUAL films. This is no insult to Jay and Mike, I love what they do. But I thought it would be nice to see once in awhile them review those real films that come out every so often, instead of just reviewing the next blockbuster crap that comes out every week.

            I’ll refrain from replying to your attempt at insulting me, when there was absolutely no warrant for you to do so. I support Jay and Mike, I commend what they do, it was merely a suggestion I was proposing. Are you telling me you wouldnt want to see reviews on films like: Argo, Cloud Atlas, Lincoln, Coriolanus, The Grey, Moonrise Kingdom, The Master…

            You know…movies actually trying to be movies, and not just blockbuster hits? Where dialogue, cinematography, story, and acting are the center pieces of the film. Just a suggestion…

          • Pace202

            I just need to add, that list of films is not indicative of what I think is good. Its merely a list of films that dont follow Hollywood’s current method of production line assembly crap spewing.

          • Simon Beefheart

            They seldom review art movies (I can only remember ‘He Who Lives At Home’; they didn’t think much of it). They are most interested in the storytelling of commercial or money movies, i.e. movies that are made to make a big profit. (All movies hope to make a profit, of course, but some are expected to make more of a profit than others, eg Twilight, Spiderman, Star Wars etc.) Their speciality is examining the big money movies which use the basics of film storytelling well or poorly, and why.

          • Alex Lee

            And it is pretty bizarre how these big, expensive movies succeed despite their obvious, glaring flaws.

          • Craggy Knob

            You remind me of Sarah Palin when she talks of “Real America”. I hate such kinds of distinction. Skyfall was a fine, dumb action flick. I think tonally it took itself too serious, therefore I couldn’t excuse a lot of the plotholes, but the cinematography was beautiful, the action adrenaline pumping and the acting great fun to watch.

  • Stick

    Thanks RLM, for giving me something to do on a Thanksgiving without family…

  • (insert funny name here)

    Mike, Jay stop making this damn Half in the Bag or the Plinkett reviews!!
    You know what we ALL relly want is the Dude Bros.

  • SqwadWad

    You promised you would some day talk about ‘Things’ . . . . . I need to know what could possibly compete with zaat

  • zabba

    Thanks, great episode

  • yssenneh

    So did you guys like it?

  • Guest

    Even the poster for this turd looks like a joke.

    • http://wrongsirwrong.blogspot.com/ Magic Xylophone

      In fairness, with the state of promotional art these days, a lot of great movies also look terrible in posters.

  • supernorbert

    where is mr. plinkett, and what are you doing in his house anyway?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Shafer/100000152122541 Chris Shafer

    VAMPIRE BABY

  • Diogenes

    Agreed with the previous commenter who stated that you guys should really start reviewing actual movies, say Lincoln, I think the bitching about terrible but high-grossing films is getting stale; or, at least, have that type of review no longer be the norm.

    • debaser

      what are you talking about? they review a lot of movies which they actually like. maybe you should watch some of the episodes.

      • 555film

        better yet, watch all their episodes. I came across a few movies I really enjoyed that I wouldn’t have watched otherwise and the reviews are entertaining by themselves – and due to the ads you will be in some small way helping to fund the next plinkett review

  • Shannon S

    Your theory that they may work better as novels than as movies… tried reading them and it’s even worse. The books are terribly written drivel.

  • AnxiousHyrax

    Five questions, one answer: because the writer said so.

  • General Grievance

    And I thought the next Plinkett review would be Twilight! How wrong I was, they haven’t even seen any of the Twilight movies except this one!

  • hurk

    did they died?

  • domremy03

    Truth is, when you’re making an installment of Twilight or, say, Transformers, you don’t have to make a good product. The money will flow in, regardless. Sad, I know.

  • JM

    BABY
    INSURANCE

  • haxor911

    Should have called this “Half in the Bag: Twilight – Breaking Dawn Part 2 Part 1″

    • debaser

      breaking down breaking dawn part 2 part 1

  • octo7

    This was a great episode. A lot funnier and more entertaining than Spoony’s fucking 6-part cash-in ,three-hour review.

  • http://twitter.com/Tsoojkovski Tsoojkovski

    don’t vampires travel by turning into bats? you know, like in the cartoons?

  • holyshat

    I almost shat myself when i saw another hitb w/in a week and a half of the prior one. If you keep this up you’ll rob me of my favorite past time of criticizing the lack of reviews!

  • Heci

    Adam Sandler would be proud with this whorish Stella Artois placement.
    And yes I am being sarcastic.

    But then again, that’s where my eyes were this whole time.
    Also it could have been beer thirst.

  • ASSHOLE

    When is the nest Plinkett review?

  • Cosmopolis

    these kinds of a reviews are getting tedious, why even bother?

    • mark

      What kind of reviews? Reviews of shitty studio movies? They give positive reviews pretty regularly too.

  • JC Denton

    holy shit that was fast, fucking awesome, I get to see more of my favorite hobos.

  • fcuk movies

    Oh my days! Why would You watch Twilight movie? I understand that You’d wank to the

    Kristen Stewart, but she’s not worth it.

  • playdude92

    Wait, you´re saying a movie about lethargic young people vegetating in the woods is boring, except when it tricks you into thinking it´s not?

  • Noah Dove

    The Rigor Mortis explanation doesn’t work. Rigor Mortis is a hypertension of the muscles which occurs after death due to unregulated release of calcium ions, causing the muscles to constantly contract. It’s like flexing all of your muscles really hard at the same time, it makes you more stiff. However, there are no muscles in your dick, just erectile tissue. A boner happens when your dick fills a lot of blood and inflates until the tissue is under so much pressure that it becomes stiff (note that this process takes blood away from your brain). Since your dick has no muscles, Rigor Mortis won’t affect it. In short, there is no logical way a dead person could have a boner, especially a vampire, because you need a lot of blood and it needs to go to the right places. Fuck Twilight.

    • zeitguest

      but tensing all muscles as hard as possible woud push blood elsewhere. fighter pilots use exactly that technique to push blood back into the brain at high g.

  • http://www.facebook.com/douglas.jackson.984 Douglas Jackson

    hhh

  • http://www.facebook.com/douglas.jackson.984 Douglas Jackson

    i typed in twilightquestions and nothing showed up :(

  • http://www.facebook.com/matthew.r.barry1 Mongo

    Everyone who saw you two in that theatre thought you were gay.

    • Kyran

      YES! This comment for President!!! Now I feel dirty for even talking to you. You gave me internet aids.

  • Matthew

    This shit is getting too dark.

  • Daniel

    This is one of the funniest reviews I’ve seen in a while

  • CorbeauNoir

    My only experience with this movie was seeing the trailer for it before… Harry Potter maybe? Can’t remember, but the whole theater was howling with laughter when the chick started zipping about all vampirish, it just looked so corny and ridiculous.

  • Dr.Nylme7

    The head evil vampire looks like Pee Wee Herman.

    • duckler

      … Which was done so much better by the real Mr. Reubens in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Maybe this was an homage?

  • http://twitter.com/Tea557 Tea557

    You really need to go back and watch the other 4 twilight movies lol.

  • :(

    still no cloud atlas? god damn you guys! nah i guess its okay, cant wait for future reviews.

    • zeitguest

      My two cents, just saw it, is that I liked it. I think if you go in seeing it as essentially a scifi Pulp Fiction, you can enjoy it. It isn’t coherent in a super-analytical cereberal way but its ethos is coherent if that makes sense.

  • Malevolence

    What a crappy movie. The movie gives me the impression that the writer was that insecure fat girl who got picked on and wrote these fantasy novels of herself falling in love with a vampire to escape from reality sort of thing. Sorry you two had to watch it.

  • jovrick

    It seems like the answer to most of these questions is simply the author doesn’t know how something works or doesn’t care.

    Stephenie Meyer doesn’t know how the human body works, or how long distance travel works. Her audience doesn’t know either. And of course neither party knows because they’re stupid.

  • Twilight-Expert

    1)They are basically a family. They bought them their own house because vampires have super-hearing and they didn’t want to hear them fuck.

    2)That is a good question, maybe he has a doll-fetish.

    3)Vampire-gods have probably their own planes.

    4)Vampires have super-powers, but they always mind related (read minds, mind-control, see future, creating illusions, etc) the Egyptian-guy is the only exception that ever existed.

    5)The vampire-gods don’t want to kill the vampire child, they want to erase a vampire-family that became too powerful. They’ll use any excuse to do that.

  • siriusds89

    I don’t know how it is in America but in the UK we have an incredibly
    deranged Paedophilia/Scare culture in paranoid parents and the media.
    Parents are not allowed to film their kids in school plays or at sports
    games in case they’re a paedo and if a man hangs out in a park within
    100 metres of a kid he’ll be questioned by police.

    My point is they are paranoid about child sex offenders being everywhere.

    So
    someone please explain why a series of movies, aimed at young teenage
    girls, features as the main plot point a love affair between a 16 year
    old girl and a 111 year old vampire, then add in a sub-plot about a
    werewolf in love with their baby, and no parent bats an eye, no protest
    group form outside cinemas showing these films and no news channel or
    paper seems to report it?

    As an outside observer the subtext of
    the Twilight series seems to be entirely about Paedophilia and appears
    to be in favour of it.

    An argument could even be made for the
    female lead being brainwashed into seeing the normally bad guys side of
    the story. “Vampires are demonised by the media but no, they are really
    misunderstood.” And in the end they ‘convert’ her to one of them.

    That’s scary… and it’s made £2 billion in profit…

    • randomhandle

      16 Is the age of consent, and the wolf makes a point about saying that
      he cant control it and he doesnt actually want to fuck her. It’s still
      creepy, but it gets past the standards here in the uk.

      Why its
      ok in the us when their age of consent is 18 is beyond me, probably
      because for all intents and purposes hes the same ages as her to the
      censors.

  • Devil_Dinosaur

    I recommend the Rifftrax versions. These films were made to be heckled, and those guys are professionals.

  • Stella Artois

    hey hack frauds :) Product placement much :) Stella Artois :)

    • Stella Artois

      Bye the way you had me at: It sucked

      • Stella Artois

        Also where the frack is my poster I like ordered it 5 months ago

  • Dubious Sleuth

    Can you put a clip of Pattinson saying “vampire baby” on Youtube? Because that cracks me up errytime.

  • http://www.facebook.com/shane.nolan.338 Shane Nolan

    07:28 – “Whats wrong with your faaaaaace?”

  • TwilightFanz2x7

    RLM Twilight parody? Starring Rich Evans as Bella, Jay as Edward, and Mike as Jacob/Lord Voldemort. It’ll still be significantly better than the Twilight schlock.

  • duckler

    I knew the battle was all just a dream when, half way through, one of the centuries-old vampires yelled “Now this is pod racing!”

    • Plinkett

      No, this is Twilight. Pod racing was back in-
      Oh, you were doing like a thing

  • rangodango

    vampire baby

  • http://twitter.com/Louiscipher Alex

    Just a note: Robert Pattinson was horrible in Cosmopolis.

  • Mynock

    I once took a shit so big that when I flushed, it stood on end and thrashed about like one of the worms in Dune. This movie makes me think of that turd…

  • fsafdf

    NEW PLINKETT REVIEW NOW. I DEMAND IT NOW.

  • Caroline

    Any idea whether or not they were serious about answering their questions? I know that’s not something to be proud of but I guess I’d be able to do that.

  • cole1114

    Huh… no skit with nega-Plinkett this time. I’ve gotten so used to them. I mean you guys on your own are great, your insight on movies is why I watch, but you’re also very good at skits.

  • Gavin Bowd

    I need to see the SCHLOCK

  • JarJarEarlJones

    231 comments about Twilight? You ‘non-fans’ sure are interested in this movie

    • Guest

      How does that indicate interest?

      • JarJarEarlJones

        Ha – I thought you were going to make the joke about me being one of the people who commented

  • Guest

    It’s do dense, Every single image has so many things going on.

  • Gooilt

    The only thing poetic about this dialouge is that I was vomiting in stanzas. I don’t even know what that means.

  • http://www.facebook.com/thomas.manson Thomas Manson

    Let me guess… “twilightquestions@redlettermedia.com” isn’t really a legitimate email address. Is it?

  • marneteen

    You two are just adorable!

  • adamsandlersmum

    When is the next Plinkett review?

  • ASSHOLE

    Why are you back at fake Plinkett’s house?

  • buttjockey

    I don’t like Plinkett reviews much anymore so when is the next Plinkett review?

  • http://www.facebook.com/wendy.woodhead71 Wendy Woodhead

    It’s only YOUR opinion, which doesn’t make it right….IDIOTS…& that goes for all movies…everyone has the right to like what they choose without being “held to ransom” by know-all; know f*ck alls

    • DeuceKathrynBigelow

      Wait, what? “Held to ransom” isn’t even a) a thing human people say and b) not what anybody is doing. Also, you misused a semi-colon so badly that I can’t possibly think you’re a real person.

  • http://twitter.com/LongBoxMemory LAScott

    So sorry you guys had to suffer like that. A shot of vodka should ease the pain. Somewhat.

  • Malevolence

    I wold like them to talk about Lucas selling Star Wars to Disney in a half in the bag sometime

  • Reaper

    Guys–I finally had to drop you a line: Please don’t stop. Please don’t get any bigger(tv, cartoon, etc.). Don’t change a damn thing–just keep doing what you’re doing, and keep those laughs coming my way–
    PS: Would you ever consider reviewing some other older flicks? Something from the Superman, Rocky or Jaws series come to mind–Or what about the Elm Street and Friday the 13th films? Anyway: Keep up the GREAT work, schooling and comedy–

  • nc

    After watching your review I had to see it, like when you guys reviewed Battleship. It was fucking hilarious, seriously this movie is so funny I was dying at the end.

  • http://www.facebook.com/tiffy.jones.908 Tiffy Jones

    <3 you guys a ton and all but get the slider off the home page, remember your critique of Star Wars:

    "Cluttering up the frame with a bunch of shit doesn't make a good…"… website.

    That being said, I'm actually going to look at your store and buy some of your shit. I got feeding frenzy and I want to spend more money to support you hack frauds.

  • Richard

    I still laugh uncontrollably everytime i see the “WHAAT?!!?” clip.

  • StarTripper

    It may have been intended for teenage girls but a coworker who was trapped by her daughters to take them to this said she was surprised by how many 40 something women were in the audience…and not accompanying teenagers. So I guess it was made for teenage girls…of all ages.

  • mc

    Honestly, at the end of this review I was convinced that you were fucking with us and making everything up about all of the horrible things in this movie because it just sounded too horrible to be a real movie. I still can’t believe that movie is real.

  • vamp expert

    when vampire drinks fresh blood, his sausage gets hard for a second…

  • YankeeLIVEpunk3Million

    lmao almost died of laughing when he said, “mabye the parents didnt want their child featured on a film where taylor locknor wanted to fuck a baby”. . . hahahahha almost died of laughing because it’s just fucken true so damn sick and true!!!

  • Flaccid

    I can’t believe you cunts went and saw this instead of seven psychopaths. Don’t you get sick of reviewing shit movies?

  • http://www.facebook.com/boxerthehorse James Henry

    Someone thinks your demographic is the bra buying crowd?!?

    • Alex Lee

      More like the training bra crowd.

  • Yay.

    So Jay and Mike! Would you recommend Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2? See, I was waiting for that one question but then they didn’t ask the one question. I don’t like things that are different.

    • Alex Lee

      They said at the beginning that it sucked, and is a failure in every conceivable way.

  • http://twitter.com/jRam90 Joel Ramirez

    I remember having the misfortune of seeing the first or whatever part of this trilogy, I was on an interprovincial bus and they had to put it ¬¬.

    I slept over the first part, it was so tedious… so painfully tedious, god.
    And later when I was awake, I mean, the acting was so bad, so bad, a kid could act better.
    The characters were like emotionless beings with the shape of humans, their dialogs were plain and absurd, so emotionless and the sorrundings/scenarios felt really fake.

    I’m glad this piece of crap it’s finally done.

  • unk

    at least the beer is sweating

  • http://twitter.com/IcelandicHossi Hossi Blumengaarten

    holy shit, TRUE how does Edward get a boner?

  • creepyskeletorhand

    I havent seen the other twilight movies either, but thought the whole series was about “2 guys 1 cup”? So is the bare chested guy now in love with a baby?

    • Alex Lee

      “2 guy, 1 cup”…that’s sounds like the basic premise of the Twilight Saga.

  • Adam Warlock

    Robert Pattinson redeems himself, for at least one of the craptacular movies, in Cosmopolis. I’ve never watched any Twilight movies so I didn’t make the connection right away. It was more like, Hmmmm he kind’a looks like that guy from the Twilight movies- that I’ve seen in trailers, that are hard to avoid- but can’t be because he is doing a stellar job in this movie adaptation. (I’ve read Cosmopolis and enjoyed the movie as much as the book.)

  • Thomas Jefferson

    Come on guys, it’s been two weeks since you posted this review! I need my fix! I’ve watched all of the Mr. Plinkett reviews 3 times each! Withdrawal!!!! AAAAARGHALFINTHEBAG

  • ygoraphobic

    My god, he’s looking at her shoes for crying out loud!

  • will

    excellent like always.

  • Danielle Alexandra

    … i can’t believe you guys bothered with this movie… The beers…Why just one Stella?

  • retartarsauce

    the Bella Legosi part was awesome lmao

  • Jakoporeeno

    There’s so much decapitation cause the vampires cut’em down like they’re butter. And they really are pretty useless

  • jjjj

    In Meyer’s version of vampires, their blood is replaced by venom, so he could get an erection via venom filling the tissue in his penis. I had the same question so I looked it up.

    • Alex Lee

      But his heart isn’t pumping, so how can fluid fill his penis?

  • Mk Ultra

    Do Cloud Atlas next. Thanks!

  • mrsjane

    Hey! I really enjoyed this review! Seeing this review just had me laughing the entire time. I saw the first Twilight movie; all I can say is that the movie is a complete joke. The plot I can conclude is Bella gets into some kind of trouble, and Edward does some weird CGI stunts and rescues her. It goes on for the entire movie. For this one, it looked like none of the scenes made any sense from the previous. Everything looked confusing. I almost get the impression that the characters have no idea why they are in the movie anyway. The line deliveries are horrible,and there is no relation or connections to any of the characters.

    Thank you for the laughs!

    P.S. VAMPIRE BABY!

  • mrsjane

    Hey Mike and Jay, I saw the first Twilight movie; like this one it is dreadfully awful. In the first one, all that happens is Bella runs into trouble; then Edward goes to rescue her from EVERY situation, and there’s CGI stuff. This is the plot, nothing more to it. The scenes that you guys displayed to us here look extremely funny. The movies scenes do not connect with each other. The so called plot is all over the place, and the characters are lost on their acting. I understand the way you guys are feeling after this dreadful movie. Don’t feel too bad :).

  • Just another guy

    Great stuff. I hope you’d review Harry Potter sometime. I don’t feel those are very good movies.

  • pigsass

    man, that’s so funny, when you guys were talking about the green-screen car-scenes i immediately thought of seinfeld, low ‘n behold… ! man i love you guys!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jasper-Ball-Baggins/100001823420683 Jasper Ball-Baggins

    I never would have been able to watch this shit – but couldn’t resist watching Half in the Bag review it. So, you guys mention the ridiculous laugh at the battle scene. Had to find it. Did find it. And thought, yeah…what the fuck!! Great stuff! Here you go if you want to see “the laugh” – it’s around the 45 second mark…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujPWYFKGH9o

  • http://twitter.com/NoNameBeef Moog Lee

    What the hell is with the one bottle of Stella? Nobody should be drinking that shit.

    • Serge

      Fuck yeah… that’s a Stela Artois bottle !
      We’ve got a few hundreds of different beers in Belgium and the only shitty brand you’ve tried is Stella ? It’s even worse than Twilight… Try a Rochefort 10, a Gueuze Lambic, a blue Chimay or even Kwak or if you prefer more subtle experiences à Mort Subite. But please, drop the Stella, it’s just pissing beer.

      • Name

        There is no GOOD ‘Murican beer for comparison, so forgive them their ignorance. They know not what they do.

  • deerstop

    You did right taking beer with you before watching this godawful movie. I so regretted not buying any =_=

  • http://www.facebook.com/tdmhoole Tom Hoole

    Coppola’s Dracula is so beautiful visually. Gary Oldman is so good that I often forget about he existence of Keanu reeves in that film.

  • volchbro

    vampire baby

  • Fortress Guy

    That fight scene… almost happened. Or
    did it?

    Here’s our take with (some) humor and
    pictures if you’re interested:

    http://fortresstakes.wordpress.com/2013/01/31/the-twilight-saga-breaking-dawn-part-2-2012/

  • Nick

    So … you guys gonna respond to these answers …?

  • Memoman

    I found a silver lining! On Cuevana there’s a girl who wrote in the comments:

    “Pésima película, malos efectos, mala trama… acepto que la primera me gustó pero esto es demasiado…”

    Which means:
    “Horrible movie, bad special effects, bad plot… I admit I enjoyed the first one, but this is too much…”

    There’s is such thing as too much cynicism, and now this person cares more about what she sees. She thinks about it. And demands respect.

  • JohnnyBravo

    There’s just no possible way he couldn’t know what/who harry potter is

  • NjD

    Did Jay ever see Cosmopolis? I wonder what he thought of the 100 minutes of boring pretentious dialogue shot on cheap video with horrible green screen effects?

  • Joao Marcos de Aquino

    How they go into an airplane dressed like that? Simple, they tell everyone they’re going to a Star Wars Convention.

  • King Arthur

    How would “baby insurance” work? Would they, like, reimburse the baby if someone dropped it and it died?

    • Alex Lee

      It’s probably similar to life insurance.

  • Maraselah

    That one vampire looks like pee wee herman from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

  • williamsn411

    “Vampire baby” FTW

  • Al

    After I watched Twilight 4, I got in a car accident and my car was totaled. God didn’t work in a mysterious way that time.

  • Guest

    Plinkett, you fuck! You never used the answers to the questions you asked! I know because I EMAILED THEM TO YOU!

    • Martín Galarza Flores

      You didn’t really, did you?

  • doom

    ALRIGHT you bastards, I just gave you 1.99 for your app, but i will still not run ads on the site. Thank you.

  • SUPERSOUP

    BABY INSURANCE

  • AlcaldeEste

    I would love to have watched Twillight … in a packed cinema … with Rich Evans.

  • Rick Berman

    This movie was so terrible that I loved it.

  • Andrew Herlihy

    There’s a lot of movies I see when I’m so hammered I can’t remember them. The prequel was one of them. Sparkles.

  • Justin Wood

    I don’t know if anyone has shared this yet, but here’s the ‘Making of Creepy Baby Face’ feature from the DVD. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bucPNTpiwY

    • Mel B Toast

      Little girl: “Every day, [Taylor Lautner] would want to play games with me.” Let’s hope he wasn’t method acting.

  • Cameron Vale

    The first Twilight book was published in 2005 and Vampire The Masquerade Bloodlines was released in 2004. Coincidence?

    • Borf Dorf

      Yes.

    • TapewormBike

      “Dracula” was published in 1897 and 2008 Obama gets elected? I think you can clearly see my point.

  • Yukonses

    “Eat this character.” Classic. This should be the name of a new reality game show.

  • StopThinkingBrainUrGoingToHurt

    No Mike, Twilight does not mainly appeal to 14 year old teenage girls. Twilight is escapist, vicarious entertainment for middle-aged women who’s life-long fantasy is to be pursued by two attractive teenage boys while being sub-par in appearance and personality. If you write something that involves a less than average woman being loved and pursued by a handsome, rich, and caring man, it will be a best seller, no matter how horribly superficial and unrealistic it is. Now excuse me, I’m off to continue work on my latest romantic novel; Fifty Shades of Rich Evans.

    • stripeyunderpants

      Is Rich going to sparkle in the sunlight? ‘Cause if he is, I’m buying it!

  • Yukonses

    They mention how nothing happens in this movie. I’ve seen 3 films of this series (not this one) and that is the exact reaction I’ve had every time. It’s amazing just how much nothing can happen in a movie.

    And I don’t mean ‘Seinfield’ nothing, I mean NOTHING nothing.

    I’m serious. NOTHING happens. I can’t explain it. It’s just… just nothing.

    • TapewormBike

      Dude, why have you seen 3 of these, especially if you clearly see what is going on (nada).

      • Yukonses

        Because I love them so much. And I love the true vampire: sparkly.

        No, fool. I saw one because a fan made me agree to sit down and watch one. Another because that same person swore that they get better. The other because that same person swore that they get better.

        Not only was the first one a turd, but 2 more were also turds, giving me enough empirical evidence to conclude that ALL of them are crap. I kept saying “Why isn’t anything happening? Am I supposed to be feeling something? Because I feel that nothing is happening. More happens on one trip to the toilet than is happening right now.”

        But I will try to explain: These movies fail because the story is dependent upon the viewer feeling for the characters. But since the actors and script ultimately fail to communicate those emotions, nothing happens. The story never explains WHY these characters care for each other or why we should care for them. Rather it just says “Trust me, this is love. Pay no attention to the nothing behind the curtain.”

        • Elaine Murdy Trucke

          Well said. A movie, in some way, should be good enough that you can suspend your belief. A Vampire’s Kiss is a better movie than this!

  • Tommy Wiseau

    They just don’t write good romance like I do. Right, Mike and Jay? They are such cool guys, I wish we could be friends forever.

  • Bahareh Khosravi

    bella and Bela Lugosi was genius.

  • shouji

    it’s a pretty common technique in fantasy style books to have these huge spans of pages where nothing happens. so it probably is the books fault the movie is like that. even some pretty good fantasy books do this, the farseer trilogy for example.

  • Elaine Murdy Trucke

    I just can’t join the Twilight throbbing fans. These movies are unmemorable and the acting almost painful. I was forced, at gun point, to watch every single one by my sister. After three hours of me making fart noises she realized I was not going to be a converted fan. Stephanie Meyer certainly has a style that some people truly enjoy. Thanks for reviewing this movie guys!

  • Pissernacht

    Ironic, since watching those movies made me want to cut myself! Bit of a shame too, since there is something to the whole in-story universe that is compelling. If only they’d have explored that universe beyond; “Edward!” “Bella!” “Jacob!” followed by wolf-men walking around in khakis and cut-offs eyeing effete vampires from across the town…a town inexplicably too stupid to see the obvious…

  • jonathan

    The pixie dust radiating off Bella is because they shine in the sun light. I’m pretty sure, if I’m imagining what you’re talking about right.

    • Pissernacht

      Oh no! It’s been a few months since I’ve seen this movie, but that sparkly pixie dust sex scene takes place indoors and at night to boot…

  • Jason

    According to IMDB this movie cost $120m to make and grossed $829m worldwide.
    I perceive now that these things are impossible except in a dream, that they are pure and puerile insanities, the silly creations of an imagination that is not conscious of its freaks–in a word, that they are a dream, and I am the maker of it. The dream-marks are all present; I should have recognized them earlier. There is no God, no universe, no human race, no earthly life, no heaven, no hell. It is all a dream–a grotesque and foolish dream. Nothing exists but me. And I am but a thought–a vagrant thought, a useless thought, a homeless thought, wandering forlorn among the empty eternities….

    • Guest

      .

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Where is Part one of this review?

    • Stupid Wizard

      *long fart*

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