Half in the Bag: Transformers: The Last Knight

June 23, 2017171 Comments

Mike and Jay see the latest Michael Bay disaster, Transformers 5: The Last Knight.

Filed in: Half in the Bag

  • Malachi

    Mike is looking a lot better. Surprised they liked this movie so much.

  • It is April in June.

  • Bubs

    More quality reviews from RLM. It’s good to show contempt for your audience.

  • Stephen Spurway

    Touche.

  • ccw_clan:rewired

    WOOT

  • This audience? Yes.
    Have you seen the comments sections on these things? Contempt is a natural reaction.

  • Marc Greene

    Best review yet

  • RLMkeepitup

    transformers 3 was near unwatchable, how the series continues I dunno. Yet I have a friend who praises the series. *transform sound* fade to black

  • Cakefarts

    I’m not paying for this!
    Rich was great in this one BTW

  • Stantz

    Normally I shy away from watching HitBs until I’ve seen the movie, but seeing as it took me 4 sittings to get through the previous Bay Bowel movement, I think I know what’s coming

  • Oh boy.

  • Vector

    It really is all the commentary about this movie you need.

  • Adez

    Neat… so anyway

    I remembered when the Dark Knight was getting release people were about the long running time, with meant less showtimes, not to mention bigger budget, even a shallow money perspective these movies make no sense to me

    Why can’t these just be like an hour and a half of explosions, cut the filler, like the terrible skits, and dull overly complicated exposition (that I’m sure practically NOBODY, not even the fans)

    These Transformers movies are basically made by jocks that beat up fans of the original series, or Michael Bay is more insane and has more contempt of humanity than the Joker, as shown with the pessimisitic almost misanthropic “Pain and Gain” and Bay laughing at fans of this movie making essentially dadism

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    I want you guys to watch all 5 Transformers movies at the same time, again; only this time you should leave the room so we don’t have to watch you all suffer again. That was depressing enough the first time around.

  • Neblogai

    LOL. It took a lot of watching of black screen to see the link flash.

  • RLMkeepitup

    that’s why mike and jay watched two halves of part 3. it was 3 godamn hours long. i do hope they eventually speak about this movie because there’s so much .. anthony hopkins, mark wahlberg hamming it up, dinobots???

  • DRP103

    There was an awkward moment of silence around 9:23 where I thought Jay and Mike might embrace in a loving kiss, but then Mr. Plinkett ruined the moment by farting. Jerk.

  • CJ Croberto

    God damn it I hate you guys sometimes but it just makes me love you even more like a girl with daddy issues who keeps lusting after jerks.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Ah, Michael Bay Transformer movies, the Donald Trump tweets of American cinema.

  • Carlos Bravo

    People in China ain’t forking over 55 yuan to watch 90 minutes of nothing, they want 150+ minutes of digital action for their money, muh boy.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    So it was like John Cage’s 4’33”?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Does that mean Tony Soprano is alive or dead?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    90 minutes of nothing sounds very Zen.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I recommend a Taco Bell burrito and a large cup of coffee.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    “how the series continues I dunno.” Because the human race is populated by sub-idiots who enjoy loud shiny things and ‘splosions.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Contempt is usually warranted and deserved. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

  • Tennhauser

    I watched 13 hours – it wasn’t nearly the shit stain everything else Michael Bay has done. Which begs the question – why? Why? He can make ok films, he just…chooses not to for some reason.

  • fuck you guys

  • Tennhauser

    Transformers 1 is nearly unwatchable. And yet…they keep getting worse. How is that possible? can’t they figure out how, in even the slightest way, to make anything better? I guess Mark Wahlberg was a step up over Shia…but sheesh.
    After five movies of Transformer invasions of Earth, how about having the Earth people build giant robot suits to fight them with? Then, you know, something…interesting might happen. At least the military guys could you know…do something.
    Or maybe we could clone dinosaurs and strap missiles to them or something.
    Or make the movie off Earth – on the transformer planet.
    Just not keep making the same shitty movie over and over…

  • BetterDeadThanRed

    thats so unfair to Trump and you know it

  • BetterDeadThanRed

    BEST TRANSFORMERS MOVIE YET!!!!!!

  • K.L

    I love Half in the bag videos where I don’t have to worry about spoilers since I am never going to watch the movies.

  • RLMkeepitup

    man me too, so i basically watch each video as its posted

  • K.L

    shit

  • Casey D. Mann

    Amazing review. When I first saw the update for this episode I thought “HOLY CRAP! They actually went to SEE IT!” – Not an hour earlier I thought about when you guys went and saw the third movie, and I wondered if the series has improved. Interesting take on this film!

  • MichaelKz

    They still haven’t realized that Transformers are actual characters. Bayformers is like taking the movie Predator, keeping all the existing characters, but keep following a bunch new characters that ruin the movie.

  • Turock

    machine sound, fade to black…

  • Strelnikov

    This is QUADRUPLE the hack-fraudery somehow!!!

  • Strelnikov

    They’re trying as hard as they can…..

  • Adez

    I’m sure of plently of the Chinese audience go to the bathroom whenever those robots stop blowing up, and boring white people talk about what essentially Ron L Hubbard would write on meth

  • DanceOfBirther

    TIL: That YouTube commenters are triggered by this on behalf of RLM’s patrons. Not at any of these commenters actually are patrons, they are triggered nonetheless.

  • Joe Syxpac

    God damnit!

    I warmed up pizza rolls for this!

  • Joe Syxpac

    On the bright side at least I didn’t have to sit through 20 minutes of Canadian guy and other Canadian guy.

  • Bubs

    Regardless of who it’s unfair to, everyone loses.

  • I love the Canadians!

  • ObeyMyBrain

    Wait, which one is the hobbit?

  • frankelee

    At least it wasn’t Pre-Rec.

  • Eucratides_Megas

    He’s not inherently un-talented. He knows how to do some cool shots and he can let actors act if they have material and talent to act with. He just usually ends up with shit actors working from shit scripts where his modest talents fail him. I honestly think he just doesn’t give a fuck most of the time. It’s just another paycheck to cash.

    13 hours felt more like he actually cared about what was going on as opposed to Transformers 5, where you are biologically incapable of caring if you’re a member of the human race.

  • metalraygear

    Wait are the canadians replacing the hack frauds?!

  • palaeomerus

    mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo .

  • LameSame

    I love how – even for what is largely a non-video – all of the commenters have moved over to this “entry”. That said (and as long as I share the soapbox): poopydoopy farts! Shithead-butt-farts! Fuckfarts! Fuckfarts! Fuckfarts! I’m gonna peeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

    Anyway, it’s exciting to know those Canadian guys will be back for something worthwhile soon. In the meantime… nice tease, you asshole fuckfarts. You poopydoopy heads. I feel jilted!

  • palaeomerus

    mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo mubba dubba maubou si doubbo .

  • LameSame

    Okay. Calm down, now.

  • palaeomerus

    mubba dubba maubou si doubbo .

  • LameSame

    Klaatu barada nikto?

  • LameSame

    Uh-oh.

  • LameSame

    Oh boy.

  • LameSame

    BURN

  • LameSame

    This was the easiest ball of Benjamins RLM has ever made… they didn’t even need to feature themselves in the video! They basically printed money with this one! They found the secret to free money!

  • LameSame

    “THE END…?”

  • Billy Ray

    If you think about it, all that dust on top of the tv is probably a combination of Mike, Jay and Rich’s skin flakes. A whirlpool of all of their DNA just sitting there, WAITING, no, YEAAARNING to be licked off the top of that tube tv….

  • Black Santa

    I fuck saw this update and though “wow, another HITB update! I’ll save it!”
    I waited like eight ours and this is what I got 🙁

  • Black Santa

    on the bright side, if these two were in town, they probably had a pretty fun botw ep

  • Strelnikov

    ….if you watched it while high on PCP.

  • Kaingerc

    does a Transformers movie really deserve such deep analysis?
    (also, did Mike lose some weight?! good on him)

  • So… over two hours of nothing then? I think we’re misaligning our blame – let’s not forget they also just have more people in their country. The numbers don’t necessarily mean “CHINESE PEOPLE LOVE ROBOTS”.

  • Sounds like turning a profit on providing a room for people to meditate in – not to be confused, though, with allowing your brain cells to be sucked out through your ears and eyes.

  • marko112kg

    Since they do special effects I half expected them to transform into Mike and Jaj after drinking enough.

  • Chomiq

    Who’s Jaj? Indian cousin of Jay?

  • Chomiq

    They get like 3k dislikes already? Oh those angry transmorphers fanboys.

  • Corwin

    Actually I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of those are from people like me- I didn’t “dislike” the video, because I love Half in the Bag, but this video kind of pissed me off. The fake video thing was funny the first time, and kind of funny the second time, but this time it comes across more like a lazy, mean move to everyone who has been waiting for more good Mike and Jay content. Even if it was a fake review, where Mike and Jay dance around the issue and never get around to reviewing it, that would be something. But to make us all excited and then laugh at us for having gotten excited, it’s kind of just shitty.

  • richardwicks

    but seeing as it took me 4 sittings to get through the previous Bay Bowel movement,

    Why would you watch it? You’re just encouraging them to make more.

    Nothing has to be good, entertaining, smart, anything – it’s just designed to get you to see it. That’s all they care about. Why are you giving them money and encouraging them to make more seeing something you hate?

    I just don’t get it.

  • Chomiq

    Look on the bright side, they probably spent entire day filming next BoTW. New wheel is already built.

  • What the fuck? Looks like another couple of guys turned left instead of right for the Methadone Clinic

  • Stantz

    I never said I paid for it, I borrowed it off a mate. What, you thought I paid to see this shit at the cinema 4 times?? I’m not a masochist!

  • Mendoza

    All the whiny babies in the YouTube comments are ace

  • Donaldo Knottso

    I can’t help but think Jim is secretly a comedic genius.

  • netcrave

    That’s what I expected and it would have been cool regardless (of me expecting it).

  • Oh no, Kathleen Kennedy fired Mike and Jay.

  • Slograman

    I’m not sure if there’s anything they can say about the franchise creatively at this point. It was either a fake-out like this, or they just don’t release any video at all.

  • ikdks

    So, Tony Soprano died again?

  • MichaelKz

    They were not in line with Disney’s corporate vision.

  • I knew in my gut that it was going to be a fakeout because they have clearly established that they don’t care for the franchise and consider it the epitome of cinematic noise. I said “Transformers?? The fuck could they say about that other than it sucks?” But alas, I still maximized the video and sat on the other end of my room very comfortably – and then had to get up again and find something else to watch after a short chuckle. Really I’m more relieved than anything because it means that whatever is coming next is probably already in the works and is going to be more entertaining than a Transformers review.

  • That’s fucking brilliant.

  • What’s going on here?

  • EJ

    Basically, every review I’ve read consists of the reviewer saying, “Yeah, of course it sucks, and in exactly the same way all the rest of them do” and somehow trying to pad that statement out to article length, so this is perfectly appropriate.

    At this point, Michael Bay isn’t going to do anything different with these movies, since whoever the hell the audience is for them apparently likes them just the way they are, judging by box office receipts. There’s nothing new anyone can say about them.

  • EJ

    Why wouldn’t they make the same shitty movie over and over? They all made money, and this one probably will too. I mean, I’m pretty sure I don’t know a single person who likes these movies, but they clearly have an audience.

    The nice thing is the original Transformers cartoon was just a bunch of cheaply made 30 minute toy commercials, so it’s not like they’re ruining some great franchise.

  • EJ

    I know a lot of people didn’t like “Pain and Gain” but I unironically really liked that movie. It was hilarious watching these characters given the usual Michael Bay heroic framing, while just generally being a bunch of evil idiots. I think Bay was in on the joke, too.

  • EJ

    Jim doesn’t have to read anything out loud in this episode. That’s always good for a laugh.

  • EJ

    Somebody got into the Snow Crash stash.

  • I do wonder how long it’ll take for them to stop being successful, though. There has to be a tipping point, unless we’re to assume the audience are a bunch of brainless schmucks who can be spoonfed anything with loud, clunky robots and explosions. I, however, am not making that generalization, merely posing a question: when will the Transformers audience tire of the Transformers movies? Is this going to be like some sort of ongoing endless series of movies for decades to come – kinda like James Bond? Or are we a few releases away from it sliding down the slope?

  • peterablex

    Could be January also

  • peterablex

    They should reboot Strange Brew and have Jim & Colin star in it

  • Marko Kujun

    Well, Jay does have some Indian in him…

  • peterablex

    Reporting live from Dayton, Ohio

  • kylemz

    I’ve always thought it is because there are always 10 year-old boys with no movie taste at any given moment of release.

  • I literally don’t know – I saw the first one and called it quits, and I definitely didn’t see it in the theaters. So I’ve no idea who the actual audience is.

  • richardwicks

    I never said I paid for it, I borrowed it off a mate. What, you thought I
    paid to see this shit at the cinema 4 times??

    OK, fair enough! I admit I was wrong to criticize based on faulty assumptions about how you came about to see the film.

  • BCFC25

    That beard really suits you mike also iam glad you have lost some weight.

    Not too sure about Jays new look though.

  • BCFC25

    There will always be prepubescent boys wanting to see explosions and robots clanging into each other and Megan Foxes ass.

  • Not when Megan Fox’s ass is 80 years old – but fair enough.

  • Bob

    Only at The Manhole.

  • RLMkeepitup

    she’s left the series already and Michael Bay claimed this would be his last one. so now it will git gud.. the expanded universe may even include a bumblebee origin story.

  • I CAN’T WAIT TO FIND OUT HOW HE GOT HIS YELLOW PAINT JOB

  • Dustin Scarsdale

    So wheres the goddam review?

    Seriously Jay and Mike, you GOTTA watch this pile of shit. It’s the absolute WORST of the entire franchise…I don’t know WTF happened but somebody fucked up BIG TIME with this…..HOLY SHIT its so bad its laughable.

  • Dustin Scarsdale

    But there were barely any robots in this fucking thing…..

  • RLMkeepitup

    you really watched it didn’t you.. wait, you watched them all? they just saw the mummy and need time to process modern film making before a proper analcyst

  • Luke Meredith

    In a few months when T5 comes out on on video I hope they set up 5 screens for a side by side by side by side by side comparison.

  • I keep hoping that Jim and Colin will bring bad Canadian movies for the Selection Series.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Is this episode still considered RLM canon?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Jay looks like a malnourished ferret.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Colin Mochrie?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    “unless we’re to assume the audience are a bunch of brainless schmucks
    who can be spoonfed anything with loud, clunky robots and explosions.”

    If we put all those brainless schmucks in a basket, they would be deplorable.
    **sees self out**

  • Pop Culture Reference

    He went to Russia and had a party–

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Sounds like a terrible round of blackjack.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Plenty of time to thaw out Jack from his cryo-chamber and get Wizard away from the craft services table.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    That’s your Big Bang Theory.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Covfefe?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Did someone leak an early draft of Trump’s resignation speech?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    You bet, eh. Fed only by the best poutine and single-payer healthcare. Hey look a re:View of Slapshot! Take off, hosers!

  • Popo Bawa

    I appalled it for being diffident!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I get my daily dose of Canadian wit from LoadingReadyRun.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    It’s how I watch CSPAN.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Unless you like the whole Electoral College thing. Then you’re probably a slave owner.

  • Thanatos

    Wow Mike is looking sleek.

  • Brett Burrett

    After five minutes of watching this it all blended into nothing. It was all loud noises and disappointment. I want my 21 minutes back.

  • Brett Burrett

    Obviously MB (That’s an acronym for Michael Bay, for those “in the know” like me, so we can use it all the time without having to use too many words) is going for the Frank Miller (herein referred to as ‘FM’) ‘dark reboot’ angle. Even the name sounds similar to “Return of the Dark Knight” (ROTDK)

  • Brett Burrett

    Fucking LOL

  • Brett Burrett

    wot

  • BCFC25

    ‘It was all loud noises and disappointment. I want my 21 minutes back.’ I think alot of people said something similar after walking out of the theatre!!

  • Joe Syxpac

    Congratulations, you managed to make me audibly gag while reading that.

  • Magnus Ironfist

    It’s turning out to be a box office disappointment—Projected to make $300–400 million, far short of the $1 billion + the last pile of shit made. Could this finally be the end of the franchise?

  • Joe Syxpac

    It would have to completely tank in order to sink the franchise. They know they can squeeze a billion dollars out of your ass wallet with this crap eventually so they’ll keep doing it. Too many people keep going to these movies out of an obligation. They saw the other 4 so they might as well see this one too.

    Plus the Chinese still think this crap is great. They keep saving garbage films over and over.

  • tiberius99

    Good job guys but we know you’re sublimating all your modern cinematic hate into the Transformers franchise. Nu-trek and nu-starwars are no better than this shlock.

  • Oh no, you saw it? How did you feel about it?

  • I don’t think we should be blaming everything on the Chinese. The fact of the matter is that people here eat those movies up too – but funny thing about China – they have more people than us. So that doesn’t mean that just because they put more money into Transformers movies that they *LOVE* Transformers movies. It could even mean they have the exact same ratio of regular consumers that we do for some things but that it’s just taken from a larger pool. The only reason people aren’t saying “America is ruining modern movies” is because foreign movies hardly ever play over here. That doesn’t make us smarter, better, or cooler, it just means that we are driving the big hollywood machine for obvious reasons (being that Hollywood is a place over here). A looooott of money goes into American movies, but it’s a safe bet that the things they bet on selling across seas are not made for Chinese people who have “bad” taste in movies – they are made for everyone who have “bad” taste in movies. It’s the lowest common denominator. Or just a common denominator if you want me to be completely inoffensive about it.

  • Or you know what the United States of America are.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Finally! RLM’s homage to John Cage’s 4’33”! But with more binge-drinking and self-loathing.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I found The Force Awakens to be a bit Korny. Before I saw the movie it was so crowded, I didn’t know where I would Linkin Park. But at least the space battle scenes Kid Rocked. Something something Insane Clown Posse.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    To be fair, 90% of the cheap mediocre schlock in retail stores is made in China. It seems like a fair trade agreement. We send them shitty Transformers movies, they send up poorly made American flags made by political prisoners.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Unless she will age like Betty White. I’ll be in my bunk.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Does that make Rich Evans his comare?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Audibly?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Isn’t the United States of America a singular noun?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Michael Bay is no Richard Bey.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    That’s why you put the vacuum cleaner away before seeing a Transformers movie.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Fuck you, it’s January. No wait–

  • Tennhauser

    Exactly. Which is what is so sad about it – he has some amount of talent that could be used to make something watchable. But I get the overwhelming sense from the transformer movies, from the directors, writers, producers, and actors, is fuck it – we’ll cash our checks.
    My secret theory is that when these are dubbed into Chinese they actually make more sense – they use terrific voice actors, and re-write the dialogue to make the movie great. Probably re-edit it to make a coherent, watchable movie. Maybe we could watch the Chinese version?

  • Joe Syxpac

    As opposed to just throwing up in my mind.

    I got a disorder. Brain bulimia.

  • Joe Syxpac

    No, it’s not entirely fair to blame it all on the Chinese, still, movies like Warcraft and Terminator: Genysis that were absolutely rejected by the US market now have opportunities for sequels.

    Although there is a Pacific Rim 2 coming out due to positive overseas reception of the first one. So I guess it’s a double edged sword.

  • Joe Syxpac

    I do like my American flags to be cheap. I may be a patriot, but I’m on a budget too.

  • Transformers movies are theatrical vacuums.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    American flags: Fuck yeah!
    American jobs: Fuck no!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Disney’s Marvel’s RedLetterMedia’s review of Transformers, a division of the Chubb Group.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I have nothing against Brian Bulimia. He’s a nice fellow.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    **throws up gang signs**
    Check yoself before you pre-rec yoself!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Or making Predator 2.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I only by hip hop albums for the filler and terrible skits.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I believe we’re more in a Schroedinger’s Vacuum Cleaner-type situation, since Transformers suck and blow at the same time.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Michael Bay drove up to Anthony Hopkins’ house with a dump truck full of money.

  • Adez

    Can’t wait for Bay’s Escape From New York esque satire of America

    Now that Bay doesn’t have to suck military dick

  • MonkeyKing1969

    I hear the RLM movie based on the book based on the web series will star Tom Cruise in the role of Mike Stoklasa and Shia Saide LaBeouf as Jay Bauman. In addition. while the production had it heart set on Jonathan Lipnicki (the precocious child actor from Jerry McGuire) to play Rich Evans he was unavailable and the role went to James Van Der Beek of Dawson’s Creek and Don’t Trust the B—- in Apartment 23 fame.

    This will be Jim Jarmusch’s 23 time in the director’s chair. The movie will center around the timer period when Mike Stoklasa was working on his famous Star Wars reviews and the creative challenges he had to face as a chronic alcoholic.

  • Chowderbatter

    Mikal and Je, yo hav to review TransfarmErs &: RevernGe of the LEgen.

    Robuts!@

  • Chowderbatter

    I live in China. People do love this shit. If you’ve been to China you know many here have a love for flashing random lights, incoherent loud shitty music, screeching, and totally schlocky dumb ass mayhem. You have to see it to believe it.

    Transformers is everything the Chinese love. All sizzle, no steak.

  • Spoiled Ants

    Relax everyone, if Canadian guy #1 and #2 are in a video, it means a WotW is on it’s way. You will get your fix soon.
    Damn junkies.

  • Brian Levine

    What we need now is a Best of the Worst featuring all 5 Transformer movies. I mean, why have 16 minutes of black screen when we can have 1 hour and 7 minutes of black screen.

  • endeyequote

    wait… are these two their brothers? I mean they both oddly resemble Mike and Jay…

  • Papa Figo

    I liked where this was going, but I expected for the video to be 15 minutes of unnedited binge drinking and transformer’s noise. That would have been brilliant! But then they pussed out, probably thinking that would be too much work. The hacks!

  • Aaron Breault

    So, for the record I am not a fan of the Transformers movies. But like, I was bored one night and I got a notification on my phone that RLM did a Half in the Bag on “The last knight”. So for the sole reason that I thought RLM did a legit review, I decided to see it for myself first, just incase there was anything of value and because I like juxtaposing my perspective with RLM’s. Nope. Nothing of value that I saw. RLM joked this shit. Which is hilarious, but for me, I paid money to see this garbage in the theatre. Which, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that RLM probably didnt want me to pay to see Tgay7 or whatever.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    This reminds me a lot of Samuel Beckett’s masterpiece, “Waiting for Godot.”

  • SkaMP

    it must be like looking at a fireworks show for them.

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