Half in the Bag: Transcendence and The Amazing Spider-Man 2

May 7, 20141,242 Comments

Mike, Jay, and their new friend Rich Evans check out the most critically praised movie of the year, Transcendence, as well as the obligatory sequel to The Amazing Spider-Man.

Other Formats: YouTube


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Filed in: Half in the Bag

  • TJ

    …So does this mean you guys are making a Space Cop comic book?

    • sepiajack

      What about an official novelization?

      • FilmFlimFlam

        What about a broadway show?

        • SuppenkaZper

          What about a point&click adventure in the style of the old Lucas Arts ones?

          • Allan Jensen

            How about an interactive lunchbox?

          • Like Icare

            Sorry. Anything to do with boxes of any kind is an Abrams-Lindelof-Kurzman-Orci racket. They have a patent or some such thing.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            What about a simple PowerPoint presentation. Is that so fucking difficult?!

          • Leo Silva

            What about action figures and a prequel?

          • WrongWithYourFace

            What about a re-release with added CG effects to create the definitive edition of the movie?

          • Meester Smeeth
    • G Hypolite

      What about the goddamn movie!

  • zxlkho

    o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

  • Zepaw

    I kinda loved the first Amazing Spiderman so I had high hopes for this one. It was one of the worst movies I’ve seen in years. A disjointed hamfisted mess.

  • moleman124

    ^_^ I hope RLM do a half in the bag of their own movies…. Better yet, let Len and any other special guests they’ve had come in and review them!

  • thatsrightjay

    when’s the next fat guy, fatter guy, chemo guy and boobs

    • Manioc

      Hey now, the fat guys have boobs too.

    • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

      I miss other boobs

      • Percy Gryce

        Stand-up comic boobs or undercover hooker boobs?

        • Domo_Konnichiwa

          They all look the same to him.

        • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

          Stand-up…. [swoons]

          • Percy Gryce

            I figured that was the case. G. is a cutie.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      Hey, AIDS Moby has a name, you fuck!

      • Percy Gryce

        Taco, be careful using the italics–you might pinch yourself.

      • Memoman

        He prefers Alopecia Kermit! For god’s sake, THE MAN IS AN ALPACA!

    • catnep

      Bewwwbs!

  • sepiajack

    I’m going to practice some uncharacteristic self restraint and save this to watch tonight, this will be my reward for having a productive day of writing.

    A good motivator!

    • Percy Gryce

      I did the same thing. Finished my work first. Then came out to plaaaaa-aaa-aaaay.

      • WrongWithYourFace

        You’re referencing things I know!

  • Burn

    Thank you for making me laugh!

  • Nukleon

    I think Jay’s mic is broken. It echoes when he laughs, it did it too on the previous Best of the Worst.

    • chibidw

      It’s called foreshadowing. Don’t you know the real-villain-behind-the-scenes character always has something that slightly gives them away before the big reveal?

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

      Could also be that the other mics are to sensitive and picking up sound.

      • Gene Parmesan

        How would a goonga know about sound equipment?

        • Domo_Konnichiwa

          Gungan.

          • Gene Parmesan

            Does anyone know, what’s happening, in this movie?

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

          You racist….

  • faelnor

    Rich, forget about Mass Effect. Transcendence is Deus Ex without the zany conspiracies and bad FPS/RPG mechanics, only boring.

    • Gene Parmesan

      Deus Ex: The Invisible Snore.

  • Tabasco Jones

    I like how in Amazing Spider-Man, Spidey beat up a guy with one arm.

    Then in Amazing Spider-Man 2 they take it up a notch and have him beat up the first black guy we meet (Electro) the first homosexual (Harry) and the first retard (that Russian guy they gave the rhino suit to.)

    I am really looking forward to Amazing Spider-Man 3 where he beats up starving women and children in Myanmar.

    • Vegas

      I like yoga too, yoss.

      • Tabasco Jones

        If I knew how to post pics here…I’d yoga this bitch out. But learning how to post pics here isn’t a skill I’m interested in learning.

        • Domo_Konnichiwa

          You just press one little button, and it adds pictures for you.

          • Kenlin Bros

            Don’t rush the man!

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            That wasn’t the right answer, you fool! Someone was supposed to respond with “That sounds like A LOT of work.”

            Now I know why it’s so much easier to just have conversations with myself.

          • Kenlin Bros

            Tell you about it!

    • Alex Lee

      Sorry, I read “Spidey beat off a guy with one arm.” I guess I’m just inserting a story that’s better than The Amazing Spiderman 2.

    • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

      A starving woman accidentally eats some government cheese that’s tainted with strange radiation and becomes Welfare-O, with the power to depress the hell out anyone she encounters.

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        I’m getting a bit fed up with your constant attacks at my mother’s expense.

        • Domo_Konnichiwa

          It’s a subplot to “Don’t Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood.” Is your mother a menace, from South Central, or Juiced?

        • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

          Sorry, Dad.

    • Maya Angelo

      Spiderman beating up black people for committing crimes in a city is much more believable than a black scientist.

      • LelouchtheFilial

        Yeah, just ask Neil DeGrasse Tyson.
        Were you doing a thing? If not, you’re a COLOSSAL douchebag.

      • Tabasco Jones

        This isn’t exactly what I meant.

    • faraday

      Haha I totally read this in the Plinkett voice. (I’m so sorry)

  • Chadhulhu

    I am glad they said, and I can agree with them.Hollywood just shits on everything.

  • moleman124

    i’m with Mike on the Web hands, Creative licence

    • Jason

      it was the will of the force…

  • Dippo

    half in the baaaaaaaaaaa

  • Brad Smoley

    Rich Evans sitting on his chable.

    • Jason

      “A” cambra, “B” cambra. Shot, ververse-shot

  • DoctorKillpatient

    TASM feels like a checklist that is spliced together from previous movies by the people who think that viewers have a memory of an infant.

    Spider-man brakes up with his girlfriend because he is afraid that she’ll come to harm because of him. CHECK. Done in Spider-man 1.

    Aunt May has financial problems. CHECK. Done in Spider-man 2.

    Aunt May and Peter have a tear-jerker of a conversation about his uncle. CHECK. Done in Spider-man 2.

    Harry Osborn wants Peter to grant him access to Spider-man. CHECK. In Spider-man 2 Harry blamed Peter for protecting Spider-man because he wanted revenge for his father. Here Harry wants Spider-man’s blood, because he has been watching Star Trek: Into Darkness and thinks it can heal him.

    Harry becomes a villain. CHECK. Done in Spider-man 3.

    A misunderstood villain who tries to do the right thing, but circumstances force him on the bad path. CHECK. Sandman in Spider-man 3, Electro in here.

    Villain is “born” after falling into a scientific contraption. CHECK. Sandman falls into one in Spider-man 3, Electro falls into one in here.

    Spider-man uses water to subdue a villain. CHECK. Sandman in Spider-man 3, Electro here.

    Spider-man has to attend a funeral. CHECK. Done in Spider-man 1.

    Spider-man “hangs up his cape”. CHECK. Done in Spider-man 2.

    Police cars pile up comically. CHECK. Done in Blues Brothers.

    It would be an OK movie if Raimi’s SM movies wouldn’t exist. Spider-man 3 looks like a masterpiece next to this.

    • Pissernacht

      No, what’s amazing is how many times they’ve gotten away with this shit…

      And seriously, look up the screenwriters and see what else they’ve done. Things start to fall into place, my friend…

      • Alex Lee

        That’s a more legitimate conspiracy theory than 9/11

        • Like Icare

          As usual, when there is no actual conspiracy, it is not a conspiracy but philosophy.
          I.e. It’s what they do.

        • Gene Parmesan

          My balls causing tsunamis is a more legitimate conspiracy than 9/11.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            Is it a tsunami made of testicles, or a testicle made of tsunami?

          • Gene Parmesan

            It’s one giant ball sack that plops into the ocean somewhere and forces out a tidal wave.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            Is the tidal wave a little higher on the left or right? I must know for science!

          • Percy Gryce

            Hmmpf, I never felt the need to request this information.

            Seriously, though, see how I responded over at patreon. You made me feel bad for caring about RLM too much.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            I’m sorry! /gives Princess Crayon.

          • Percy Gryce

            Thank you. /takes and eats Princess Crayon.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            It’s made with real Princesses. Frog saliva may or may have been used as a binding agent.

          • Percy Gryce

            So I’ll take it that frog saliva was used.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            May or may have. I studied law by watching Night Court.

          • Percy Gryce

            On VHS?

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            I’m the Doogie Howser of Law. I learned by watching Night Court while it was still on NBC.

          • Alex Lee

            Yes. Yes it is.

        • Pissernacht

          Oh my God!

          Hollywood was an inside job! Hollywood was an INSIDE JOB!

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      “Police cars pile up comically. CHECK. Done in Blues Brothers.”

      I should thank you for this killer laugh and for these now killer abs. ;)

  • AceRay

    Mike sounds like he got the idea of Horse from Ninja III: The Domination.

  • Fartastic

    STOP SUCKING MARVEL’S DICK!

    • Like Icare

      It’s not Marvel, it’s Stony.

  • https://twitter.com/theericlarson Obscure Cactus

    IS JAY WEARING A FIT SMART BRACELET THING TO HELP YOU TRACK STATISTICS OR GLUTEN OR WHATEVER TO MAKE YOU MORE FIT AND HEALTHY???

  • Gordon Chapman-Fox

    When can I buy tickets for Horse Ninja: The Movie?

    • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

      Directed by Michael Bray

      • Domo_Konnichiwa

        Includes a promo of Mane n Tail Horse shampoo.

      • Percy Gryce

        Written by Roberto Horci.

  • Memoman

    The best analogy I’ve heard for the “humans just use 10% or the brain” crap is that at any given moment a street light only uses 33% percent of its potential.

    And if that isn’t obvious enough for you, I got just the condo to sell you. How do you feel about Del Boca Vista?

    • Like Icare

      For most people out there, that is a completely nonunderstandable analogy. Sadly.

  • rikkibarnes

    I want Horse Ninja and Black Ninja to team-up.

    • Pissernacht

      Ooooooooo oooooo ooooooooo, the Black Ninja!

    • Rick_Berman

      Oooo ooOOo Horse Ninja.

  • Allan Jensen

    So what you’re saying is… Marlon Wayans is a comedic genius.

  • durhay

    The movie should have ended with Spidey giving that kid in a spider-man costume a “web fist-bump”

  • Grimhound

    Just want to point this out, but if you look into the backstory through The Animatrix, the humans in The Matrix sort of deserved it. The AI had set up their own nation out in the uninhabitable wasteland, and it ended up becoming an economic superpower wanting only to co-exist after horrific instances of anti-machine racism and genocide. The response from the rest of the world was to repeatedly nuke them, and then when that didn’t work to seed the atmosphere of the Earth with black shit and permanently block out the sun so the machines couldn’t operate via solar power. They were comic book levels of evil.

    I wrote a paragraph based off of one sentence that referenced The Matrix. Shit.

    • Pissernacht

      In all honesty, we can’t trust that The Animatrix’s story was the original backstory to The Matrix.

      • Leo Silva

        The Wachowski Brothers wrote The Second Reinassence screenplay

        • Like Icare

          He’s not questioning the source of the screenplay but the reliability of the narrator IN the story.

          Remember – nobody knows that the Zion had been wiped out five times before.
          And yet… there is a story about how the war started in Zion archives.

          • Leo Silva

            Yeah, like you care.

        • Pissernacht

          …so you haven’t went back and changed your own ideas ever before?

          They probably were just like; “whoa! Let’s have a full on robot war! But it’s gotta be different from the Terminator movies…I know! Let’s make the robots nice dudes while humans are all bigoted, murderous assholes!!1!”

          So yeah, I still don’t trust it.

  • Rick_Berman

    Mike has been having a bad year for “worst movies ever seen”. Don’t worry TMNT will help.

    • Dr. Blake Downs

      Fuck you Rick Berman!

      • faraday

        What is it with Rick’s?

  • Burn

    Made by “BS” comics and it’s just Horsetacular!

    • Joe Syxpac

      One thing for certain, Len Kabasinski owns three copies of it.

    • http://about.me/hexeno Hexeno

      Bronies will love it

      • Orion Burns

        EVERYONE will love it.

        If you don’t love it, you’re a terrorist.

        TERRORIST, I SAY!

    • Striker, Ted

      Coming Soon from Stony pictures.

    • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

      It must be really hard to throw a shuriken with hooves.

      • Domo_Konnichiwa

        Technically, a horse shouldn’t be able to hold a sword, either. His front legs are backward. Maybe if it was a Thord, it’d be easier for him.

        • LelouchtheFilial

          I want horth ninja to go to outer spathe.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            Tho much Horth Semen, Exploshuns and Horth Semen.

            Manduren.

    • Percy Gryce

      I thought it said “Testicular First Issue.”

      My eyesight is failing.

      From too much masturbation.

      • ident

        Mrs. Gryce not pulling her weight? Ah, the joys of so on and so forth.

        • Percy Gryce

          She has uterine cancer. Thanks for asking.

          • ident

            If true, I’m sorry to hear that. If not, is sodomy completely off the table then? So I guess pick your Boolean and pretend I didn’t say the other thing.

          • Percy Gryce

            You made laugh during this sad, sad time.

    • Stardog Champion

      There needs to be a kickstarter campaign to get this comic novel publish. I’ll buy it FULL PRICE!

  • http://delusionallosers.wordpress.com/ Anthony Donovan Stokes

    Johnny Depp has been a pretty good actor as a straight man occasionally he just needs a better writer, Rango was good btw.

    But my problem with this movie is what they brought up. Even as someone whose not a scientist has this bitch never seen The Matrix or I, Robot?

    • WrongWithYourFace

      Yea, but he’s terrible as a gay man.

      For some reason i can’t take Depp as a scientist seriously.

      • Now I Get It

        I know. It’s like watching Tim Robbins play a man in uniform.

        • Gene Parmesan

          Or watching Bruce Willis play a human.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

    Horse Ninja by Stony pictures!

  • Joe Syxpac

    So… you guys went to New York to see a comic book guy and watch some movies, then took a train all the way back to Milwaukee to discuss it in your shop?

  • Daniel Bellfield

    WRATH!!!

  • JacobHunnter

    The more I think about The Amazing Spider-Man 2, the more I hate it. The Stony product placement in particular was distracting. Literally the only reason that laptop didn’t fly out of the plane was so they could flash the front of the Vaio at the screen. Breaking the logic of the movie just to force product placement down the audience’s throats. Stony you hacks!

    • Domo_Konnichiwa

      Ya. Fuck Stony.

    • Thanatos2k

      The hilarious thing is Sony’s laptop division was responsible for most of their quarterly loss last quarter, AND they’ve since sold the PC division off. Why are they still doing product placement for it!?

      • Domo_Konnichiwa

        Would they want an Apple logo in a Sony movie? Is it symbolic of Sony’s failure as a whole if another computer company was promoted in that way?

  • http://www.pewpewpew.de/ PewPewPew

    Rich–
    Look up the first episode of the second season of Black Mirror. It’s about a relationship between a grieving wife and her robot/computer-husband. It’s great.

  • Kaingerc

    hey, at least Jim Carrey’s Riddler had motivation for hating Bruce Wayne(because he rejected his brain sucking machine idea) what the hell was Electro’s problem(and did you notice he just randomly started calling himself that).

    also, I don’t think i ever saw a black guy with a comb-over before.

    • Joe Syxpac

      Jamie Foxx’s hair is probably the best part of the movie.

  • dollar store cashier wife

    video games jokes again rich?

    WHENS THE NEXT EPIZODE OF PRE-REC YOU FUCK?!?

  • Leo Silva

    Half in the baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag!

  • Jeremy Davis

    Rich Evans looks like he is losing some weight! Keep it up, Rich and soon all the poon and penis on the internet will be yours for the taking.

    • Alex Lee

      Hmmm, is it Rich losing weight or Len gaining weight? I can’t tell the difference.

    • dollar store cashier wife

      implying it wasn’t his for taking already

  • Otto Torrens

    They supposedly told Paul Giamati to act like that :|

    • Kaingerc

      In soviet Russia, Rhino overacts you!

  • diehounderdoggen

    Can we prosecute Orci and Kurtzman for crimes against cinema?

    • Domo_Konnichiwa

      Only if it’s in the hack fraud script for Space Cop.

    • Gene Parmesan

      My screenwriting teacher in college actually told a story about meeting those two and expecting to be blinded by their stupidity. The sad thing was that they are actually really smart guys who knew exactly what they were doing. He said that was the moment he lost hope for the industry, realizing that it’s just manipulative assholes capitalizing on terrible content.

      • diehounderdoggen

        Jesus christ that’s WORSE!

      • Alex Lee

        Yeah, that much worse.

      • http://www.facebook.com/matthew.r.barry1 Mongo

        I guess it shouldn’t come as a surprise that Orci is a 9/11 Truther.

        • Domo_Konnichiwa

          Oh really? Well he can go fuck himself with his tinfoil hat.

      • Studio Executive

        Truly an inspiration for the children!

    • Mark Bisone

      No, they’re outside our jurisdiction.

      But Horse Ninja has no jurisdiction. He’ll make them squeal.

  • Charon

    “Hey, I liked that new Peter Parker.”

    *crickets chirping*

  • Noah Roalson

    I can’t believe they even felt the need to make these new Spiderman movies. The series with Toby Maguire were great, these just lack depth, likable characters, more dynamic character relationships, all emotion etc….

    Also, congrats on your Patreon success :)

  • Leo Silva

    watching TASM2 made Mike grow old more.

  • Jason

    You know, RLM pumping out all this amazing (get it?) content makes me feel something for not donating to them. gill….gill-twy? gull-twee? I don’t know. It’ll pass.

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

      Yea, goeuil… goult? It’s ok, it will pass.

      • Domo_Konnichiwa

        Guilt? No that’s not right.

    • catnep

      Quilty. It’s giving you chills.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      Are you referring to one of these? I feel like this all the time.

      http://boisdejustice.com/History/Brugge1862.JPG

      • Percy Gryce

        A mohel?

  • Eric Moreland

    Mike has great cooking skills.

  • Leo Silva

    I’m hearing echo.

  • Wasperheimer

    Orci & Kurtzman are hacks, I’ll try to avoid anything related to them in the future.

    • faelnor

      Don’t forget to also avoid anything related to Lindelof! Wouldn’t want to get this one through your net.

      • Wasperheimer

        Cowboys & Aliens seem to be only decent movie that these three has brought us, but maybe that’s the result of four other writers fixing the plot holes in their wake.

      • Memoman

        And Goyer!

        • Gene Parmesan

          Ugh, when I heard he was the one attached to make a Metal Gear Solid movie my heart sank. Fuck that asshole.

  • diehounderdoggen

    Every time I think “OK, that was horrible, but it can’t get any worse!” I get proven wrong. I’ve begun to doubt that the hypothetical barrel even has a bottom at this point. Maybe TMNT will be the breaking point.

    • Thanatos2k

      Please don’t actually pay money to see TMNT.

  • volbla

    Depp in Transcendance sounds like the Family Guy parody of Captain Kirk.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XP-krMn5k4E

  • John

    When are you lazy hacks going to call Phil???

  • Alex Lee

    “It’s going to be Scarlett Johansen fucking a horse!”

    Actually, I do want to see that.

    • Now I Get It

      Or at least riding bareback.

  • Leo Silva

    My wraaaaaaaaaaaaath!

  • Rustin Cohle

    Finally, we get to see some actual VCR fixing!

    • Percy Gryce

      At least, Mike didn’t knock the VCR repair book that I sent them off the counter. That’s all that matters.

      • omitted

        But he almost knocked up that VCR with his banging

  • Steven Santana

    I enjoyed Transcendance though yeah there was alot that was just “what? why?”

  • Memoman

    Horse Ninja is just a ripoff of Ninja III The Domination.

    • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

      Oooooooooh oooohh oooohh, Horse Ninja!

  • Mark Bisone

    Sounds like Orci and Kurtzman should have brought along third amigo Damon Lindelof for the ride. No one knows taught, coherent plotting, consistent characterization and logical storytelling better than The Big DL.

    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_5cBhGehmTVs/S_MmIIv_TLI/AAAAAAAADKA/CJNvRUOiGVM/s1600/800px-6x15_TheHeartOfTheIsland.jpg

    • Meester Smeeth

      You leave LOST out of this, Bisone! It all made perfect sense! You just didn’t understand it!

      • WrongWithYourFace

        That picture is from LOST?

        • Meester Smeeth

          Yeah, from the episode “Across The Sea” from season 6.

        • omitted

          No, it’s the portal Mike & Jay use to travel between Milwaukee and New York, duh

      • Gene Parmesan

        Oh that’s what you have to tell yourself? When are you just going to admit that SEASON SIX WAS A HOAX! THEY’RE WAITING TO RELEASE THE REAL SEASON SIX AND BLOW OUR MINDS.

        • Meester Smeeth

          LA LA LA LA LA I’M NOT LISTENING LA LA LA LA LA

    • Domo_Konnichiwa

      I’m sad No one’s made a JC Penney Spring catalog joke.

      Browns and Beige.

      • Mark Bisone

        Earth tones, people!

        • LelouchtheFilial

          I saw Domo’s “Browns and Beige” and was going to make the Earth Tones reference.
          Godammit. You beat me to it. By an hour.

          • Percy Gryce

            Celerity is the soul of wit.

    • ident

      It’s taut. Pretend I said something clever and ironic so I don’t look like such a busybody prick, offering pointless criticism and contributing nothing.

      • Mark Bisone

        I’ll try my best, but I lost my imagination in the Culture Wars. Everyone looks like pricks now.

      • Mark Bisone

        Oh shit! I just now realized you caught/caut my typo.

        While you’re at it, could you fetch me a fucking coffee, Gladys? Thanks, dollface.

        • ident

          I answer only to “Toots” or “Jigglebottom”.

  • http://www.twitter.com/kzap333 Andrew Coleman

    If
    you want to see something good that deals with the same ideas as
    Transcendence but does it well you should watch the Black Mirror episode
    ‘Be Right Back’.

  • http://delusionallosers.wordpress.com/ Anthony Donovan Stokes

    I love this movie because it finally made me understand what a movie with no plot is. The closer you look at this movie the worse it gets, this is basically man of steel all over.

  • http://delusionallosers.wordpress.com/ Anthony Donovan Stokes

    I can’t put my finger on how this movies tone is so fucked because the Sam Raimi movies had moments of lighthearted hyper fun and moments of melancholy and depression and that did it so much better.

    • JacobHunnter

      I think the score has a lot to do with it. It was totally anaemic in ASM 1. In ASM 2 it was straight up bad. Electro’s themes both pre and post-eeling(!) were so bad they were actually distracting.

      • dollar store cashier wife

        you mean you didn’t liked pseudo dubstep?

        watch out skrillex-hans zimmer is coming for you!!!

        • JacobHunnter

          He lied to me
          virginity
          and now you are MY ENEMY.
          Give Hans Zimmer and Pharrell Williams ALL the Oscars!

    • Zach LaChance

      The tonally shifts weren’t jarringly out of place in the Raimi movies. They were built up to rather than shoved in.

      • Jason

        it’s essentially the difference between foreplay and rape.

        • Domo_Konnichiwa

          Good anal-gy.

      • http://delusionallosers.wordpress.com/ Anthony Donovan Stokes

        okay yeah that makes sense.

  • Meester Smeeth

    Still can’t understand why they replaced Tobey Maguire with a 50 year old crack-head.

    • Micah 李 文 Jung

      First one was good second one oh my god as Higgins would say

      • Meester Smeeth

        I haven’t seen the second one yet. Can’t see myself rushing out to see it any time soon. Not because of the review, I just haven’t been interested in it from the start. I’ve seen the first one once, never felt the need to watch it again. I think, somehow, I’m even less interested in seeing a follow-up.

      • Percy Gryce

        Upvoted for the first Magnum P.I. reference on RLM.

    • Captain Turbo

      Worse than that, he’s British. Which I guess is a thing now.

      • Meester Smeeth

        It’s not his fault he’s British. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Blame his mother.

      • Percy Gryce

        Who isn’t fucking British? I mean, Stringer Bell was British. Dr. House was British. Rick Grimes is British. WTF!

        • Captain Turbo

          Really? I only heard about British people two years ago. I just figured it was a fad.

  • Jason

    The way Rich says “…fuck everything.” damn.

    Cheer up, big fella. Hope is not lost, here I’ll prove it

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YDYL6oECjU

    • Jason

      No upvote love for Adi Shankar? You philistines.

  • http://delusionallosers.wordpress.com/ Anthony Donovan Stokes

    Did anybody notice that Harry’s loft was identical to Harry’s loft in the spiderman trilogy. This entire relationship is identical to Harry in spiderman 2.

  • Xeraf

    Give chair to Rich already!

  • http://delusionallosers.wordpress.com/ Anthony Donovan Stokes

    This movie was fucking awful, it’s derivative of every spiderman movie, it rips off Avengers, Batman Begins, Watchmen and a lot of other shit. It wastes every great actor in it and everybody involved could be off making something better.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    OH, MY GAAAAAAWD! Mike was playing with his phone in a movie theater?? They’re not only hack frauds, but also hypocrites! You hack frauds!

    • omitted

      Damn right. He should have been playing with himself. Or me

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        You’re making Jay jealous…

        • omitted

          Shuhs now, that’s my new plan. Do you think it’s going to work?

  • Now I Get It

    Well, it was bagged in BoPET, so, yes, it is real, and, no, it’s the last one ever.

  • junkevil

    the audio for this episode was handled by wizard, who cast an echo spell on jay just before filming. what a dick.

    • WrongWithYourFace

      >insert innuendo-like Omitted comment<

    • Domo_Konnichiwa

      It’s because Wizard wore a plain top in the previous BoTW (Actually, a white button-down dress shirt with a plain sweater over it) and no one noticed.

      Len took the spotlight, and now it’s payback time.

    • omitted

      Darn it, I knew I shouldn’t have put so much sperm into the love potion. But when watching Jay it just keeps coming…

    • Memoman

      Well, he is sitting in between two monumental pillars of movie critique!

  • stryker1121

    Lawnmower Man is a great bad movie. Do not mock!

    • Gorrister

      Now the second one, however…

      • stryker1121

        Well, yeah…for some reason I remember the Maxx Headroom guy as the last guest on Letterman pitching the film and looking completely embarrassed.

    • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

      …. Real talk? I actually sorta love that horrible fucking film. I DON’T KNOW WHY.

      • stryker1121

        For real…LM has a certain idiotic charm, and it does have so cool ideas. Plus as a Stephen King fan I like how it has nothing to do with the King story of the same name, but does include Kingian elements like The Shop. It’s just a bizarre mash-up of a movie and lots of fun.

        • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

          Plus I love that it’s a perfect time capsule of that juuuuuust pre-internet days age when everyone thought that virtual reality was the next big thing and that it would, of course, destroy us all. I think the further we get down the road from it, looking back on it in, say, 20 years from now, it’ll be even more hilarious.

          • stryker1121

            Yes those terrifying VR sequences..visions of a horrific future!

  • Zach LaChance

    I don’t suppose you guys could make a audio commentary track for Spider-man 3?

    • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

      This totally needs to happen :O

    • Domo_Konnichiwa

      That is so cruel to make them watch that a second time. It must be done.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      I can’t even process how awesome that would be! :D I very much wish this would happen!

    • LelouchtheFilial

      THIS audio commentary would actually mean a lot to me.

    • Kenlin Bros

      I can’t wait to hear Mike snoring!

    • Percy Gryce

      I would welcome more commentary tracks–particularly for movies featured on BOTW. I have no friends to watch those movies with and Mrs. Gryce won’t watch anything made after 1965, so I can pretend that Mike & Jay and Rich Evans are talking directly to me.

  • Rustin Cohle

    Rich Evans: “Fuck this movie. Fuck everything.”

    My thoughts exactly.

    • stryker1121

      You’ll change your tune eventually, trust me.

      • Micah 李 文 Jung

        You thought spiderman 2 was amazing?!?!?!?

        • http://delusionallosers.wordpress.com/ Anthony Donovan Stokes

          Sam raimi’s spiderman 2 was amazing i thought

          • LelouchtheFilial

            I saw it first as a child. It became soooo ingrained in my memory– it was like my ‘Empire Strikes Back.’
            I’ve watched it again recently and… it held up. Really. It did.

            Spiderman 2 set the bar for superhero movies in my opinion. I could never get into The Avengers because, for all of its wonder and escaspism and (yes) corniness, it didn’t have the same relatability and soul to it. I LIKED Peter Parker– he was corny, he was awkward and, occasionally, even though he wasn’t the Wiseass-5000 that everyone wanted him to be, he actually WAS funny.
            Spiderman 2 was the ideal Superhero movie, in my opinion, and I’ll always see it as such.

          • ident

            ‘Give me a child for his first seven years and I will give you the man.’ – Sam Raimi

    • Striker, Ted
  • Gene Parmesan

    So they just found some guy and told him, “you’re going to be the vulture”. Sounds like a case of life imitating art.

  • Meester Smeeth

    Rich Evans will return in the X-Men: Days Of Future Past review… hopefully.

  • Memoman

    “A Cop Car that she stole”, “Dennis Leary’s ghost” ….. are they going next with a spin off of “Cop Car”?

  • Zach LaChance

    I think the opening with the plane was put in there because the screenwriters saw that The Dark Knight Rises was a big movie.

    • Uncle Sporkums

      I was thinking the exact same thing!

  • Boehm

    Finally,I’ve been waiting for another Half-in-the-bag for so long that its now time for my pon farr. *Slide Whistle*

  • Gene Parmesan

    OK everyone, the first order of business now that Len Kabisinski is done mediating the the comment section is to start bashing him behind his back again. You know, like when we were doing it before we knew he was cool, back when it felt good.

    • Meester Smeeth

      No chance. Len Kabisinski is a warrior, a gentleman and an artiste. You should respect and fear him. You owe him awe.

    • Domo_Konnichiwa

      I can’t make myself do that. He might figure out where I live and kick my dog as punishment.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      We can dislike his movies yet still enjoy and respect him as a person.

  • http://bit.ly/cnX6ad Bazzzinga

    You know it’s bad when your movies hack writing team gets so lazy they actually start ripping off themselves…
    Hey Orci, we need a big heart tugging emotion filled opening for this movie to really cheaply manipulate the audience into caring about our crappy characters, any ideas?
    Uhhhhh, what did we do in Star Trek again?
    We had the protagonists dad nobly sacrifice himself by exploding on board a spaceship
    Okay lets do that, but lets have it be both his parents and on a plane this time… oh and we need to try to fit in a Sony Vaio into the scene as well
    Done!

    • Gene Parmesan

      I really hope that your name is sarcastic.

      • http://bit.ly/cnX6ad Bazzzinga

        It is.

  • Gene Parmesan

    I was just looking at those two hack writers on IMDB and I was shocked to find out that Hollywood is trying Van Helsing once again. This time with Tom Cruise! And with these two assholes attached to it I just can’t wait.

    • Jason

      Why? Why did you entice me to look at their IMDB pages? I’ll be having nightmares for weeks.

    • Captain Turbo

      Are you any relation to Phil Camembert?

    • Thanatos2k

      You know, I kinda liked the first one. Which means a new one can only be worse.

  • Mark Bisone

    Everyone knows the first “Horse Ninja” will be a big pile of crap. That’s why I’m holding out for J.J. Abraham’s gritty reboot next summer.

    • Meester Smeeth

      Fuck that, Abrams ruins everything. Len Kabasinski should do the Horse Ninja reboot. Because he was on Best Of The Worst that one time.

      • Domo_Konnichiwa

        Nono. This is an alternate timeline. J.J. Abrahams has already won 6 Razzies and guarantees great B-Movie Schlock entertainment.

        • Meester Smeeth

          It doesn’t count though because he does it on purpose.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            Does he get any respect for at least admitting to being bad?

            I think I might know the answer…

          • Meester Smeeth

            Haha, aw, did he really admit to being bad? Or is this in an alternate reality? I actually like J.J.Abrams and his work quite a bit, actually.

          • ident

            Actually, actually? Or just kind of actually?

          • Meester Smeeth

            Actually actually, actually… I think.

          • Now I Get It

            Cut the poor twonk some slack. Turns out he’s Engrish.

          • Meester Smeeth

            Thank you for your support.

          • Now I Get It

            I got your bag, jag.

          • Meester Smeeth

            I knew I felt something tugging.

          • Now I Get It

            Strictly speaking, this one is for cow tits. The other one will give you some relief, too, but it’s formulated so the dog won’t lick it off, and I figure anyone who knows what a pizzle is probably wants (sometimes) the dog to lick it off. I mean, why let a little redness get in the way of, uh…

            http://www.sheckys.com/files/2011/01/012411_BagBalm.jpg

            anyway, let me know when you’re up for another tug.

          • Meester Smeeth

            Well. I… I don’t quite know what to say.
            If you’d just like to wrap your cock in a ten pound note, we can begin.

          • Now I Get It

            Wait, there’s money in online what now? I think I got an idea…

            http://www.patreon.com/images/logo_p.png

            I bet no one’s ever done this before.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            He’s a good director with the right script. I don’t think he’s the type to elevate a movie beyond a bad script.

          • Meester Smeeth

            No. I’d like to see him write and direct more of his own, more original stuff in the future, because he has a shitload of potential in both areas.

    • Jason

      wait, does that say “Oightmare”? Ah, whatever, print the poster. We’ll just say it’s a clever pun and people will pretend they get it.

      • Mark Bisone

        In the reboot continuity Horse Ninja is Jewish. That’s why he only throws six-pointed stars and never ninjas on a Saturday.

        • Now I Get It

          That’s why he needs a comical sidekick, say, a jockey from his past, who carries him around town during Shabbat. A horse riding a jockey, get it? Action figures and horse-meat happy meals by McDonald’s. …Just spit-balling.

          • Meester Smeeth

            Maybe Sarah Jessica Parker could play the jockey in a nice little twist that references the original, or maybe they could get the Gal Gadot. Starring Englebert Thundercats as Ninja Horse, Martin Freeman as Rich Evans and Morgan Freeman as what the fuck is happening.

          • Now I Get It

            Yes, to SJP if, I say if, all the comedy comes from the fact that, back in their racetrack days, Horse Ninja was the one who gave her the kick to the face that ended her racing career in the first place.

            And, BTW, isn’t Gal Gadot the one all you Bat News maniacs wanted kicked off Wonder Woman or something? I’m not sure Horse Ninja needs your damaged goods, no matter how good her arms look.

          • Meester Smeeth

            Are you implying that I WANT Gal Gadot in HorseNinja2.0?

          • Now I Get It

            No, I’m implying that you’re trying to save your own cherished franchise, by fobbing off an inferior actress on a promising new one. That’s what I’m implying.

          • Meester Smeeth

            Good God! What have I become??

          • Now I Get It

            A monster from beyond the edge of the known world, obviously, unless this Gadot gal – heh-heh – is good, in which case you’re, you know, a Godsend and thanks ever so much.

          • Meester Smeeth

            DON’T YOU PUT THAT EVIL ON ME, NOW I GET IT, DON’T YOU PUT THAT EVIL ON ME!

          • Now I Get It
          • Meester Smeeth

            That’s gotta be the one, hasn’t it?

          • Now I Get It

            Mmmaybe.

          • Mark Bisone

            I blame myself. And Jewish ninjas.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            Jewjas.

          • Mark Bisone

            Jawas?

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            Isn’t there a Wailing Wall by the Mos Eisley Cantina?

          • Mark Bisone

            Does the Pope shit in the woods?

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            Are Wookies Catholic?

          • Now I Get It

            Is Rabbi Montoya?

            http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mayf0qwLEk1qbpemno10_500.jpg

            Oops, wrong film. Still, Jews are everywhere.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            Can we have scene with coconuts? I think this movie could really use a coconuts reference.

          • Meester Smeeth

            There’s always room for coconuts.

      • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

        I read it as Oat-mare, and then… then I laughed

    • Gene Parmesan

      That rein pun is so subtle it’s brilliant.

    • Studio Executive

      That poster will sell tickets… my secretary will schedule a meeting.

      • Jason

        You mean your Secretariat will schedule a meeting?

        • ident

          Too soon.

    • Junkie

      Don’t forget to check out next year’s buddy cop sequel, where Horse Ninja moves to the Big Apple to take on Mayor de Blasio’s night-mareish horse carriage bans!

    • Charon

      LENS FLARE BRAHJ

  • Eric Moreland

    Rich…not the scenery!!!

  • Ben

    I tagged along with my friends to see Spiderman 2 and it pissed me off because they thought it was “badass.”

    I want to fucking punch this movie in the face. It is possibly the most poorly written high budget movie I’ve ever seen, it had NO story structure, it was fucking boring, the cgi sucked my balls, the “dramatic” scenes went on for hours, the acting sucked ass, and the product placement literally made me laugh out loud in an otherwise quiet movie theater. I actually agree with Mike; this may well be the worst high budget movie ever made.

    Just fucking awful. I’m literally mad at myself for paying to see it.

    • Noah Roalson

      I feel ya, everybody thinks the action is so “cool”. They fail to realize how shitty every other aspect is lol :)

      • Percy Gryce

        Kids, if a Wookiee “feels ya,” be sure to tell your parents or another responsible adult.

        • Domo_Konnichiwa

          And be sure to make a video recording for “evidence” of Wookie assault. Post on Facebook and Twitter since the cops will lose it.

        • Noah Roalson

          Hey now, I already explained a Wookies lust for Goodwill women ;)

          • Kenlin Bros

            Busted! You’re not a real Wookiee! What next? Spelling Kashyyyk with only two Ys?

          • Noah Roalson

            Excuse me, Wookiees have to use phones to type comments sometimes too ;)

      • ident

        “Everybody”? Why do I keep delaying my suicide? It doesn’t get better. It doesn’t.

    • Studio Executive

      Thanks for the money!

      • Percy Gryce

        Where have you been? Counting your money or raping other beloved intellectual properties?

        • Studio Executive

          First of all, “raping” is a bit strong. Those intellectual properties were all above the age of consent, and I paid them good money. So, you know, maybe metaphorically hiring metaphorical prostitutes at worst…

          Secondly, yes, I’ve been hard at work on Mr. Michael Bay’s forthcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. There was a problem at the merchandising factory in Shanghai: the toy turtle molds had a defect that wasn’t discovered until the first production run was complete. So we had to either live with toy turtles with weird faces, or we spend $15,000 to replace them. Ultimately we found it was much cheaper to change the turtle faces in the movie to match what the factory had already produced. As a bonus these “new and improved” turtles make the classic turtle toys obsolete and should consequently boost sales, so win-win.

          On the plus side, we’ve worked in a great change for the movie so that the turtles will love lasagna instead of pizza: this change sets the stage for a TMNT/Garfield crossover sequel we’re all very excited about, provided Jim Davis’s people don’t screw us over at the 11th hour…

          • Mitchell Taco Nash

            I love seeing your comments [and you probably love seeing my money go towards that god awful The Amazing Spider-Man 2, you fuck!].

    • ident

      *Dancing pizza roll* You know what to do. Make the world a better place. Murder your friends. Smother them with their Ed Hardy t-shirts. Waterboard them with their own Axe body spray. You know what to do.

  • lysergic43

    I’m a Phd Neuroscientist. To say tou only use 10% of your brain is retarded. Vision alone accounts for 30% of your constant brainpower.
    Thank you.

    • Tabasco Jones

      I, for one, absolutely love the fact that a Neuroscientist used the word “retarded.”

      • Eleos

        As someone who works in the mental health field, the word “retarded” has been phased out of official use. While some individuals may still use the term to refer to a handicap featuring a low IQ, the word itself will eventually become antiquated. Idiot used to be professionally used as well and now it is a common insult. The new replacement term for someone with a low IQ is: Intellectual Disability which has a low chance of becoming a slur as it sounds clinical and doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.

        The more you know!

        • Guest

          Well fuck sir/mam, I ain’t exactly writing a paper here

          • Its_So_Dense

            Certainly not if you’re “righting” like that! ;-p

            I think the misunderstanding most people seem to have is that the notion that we only use a particular percentage range of our brain is in reference to any one, given instance (or sets and subsets of instances)—whereas most understand it to be referencing the brain in totality, which is preposterous.

        • Mitchell Taco Nash

          Hmm…

    • Jason

      Funny thing is most people probably learned that in school of all places. I can remember multiple times teachers and guest speakers saying this in middle school and even highschool. Even as a kid I thought it sounded like bullshit.
      I guess the lesson is that if you love your kids, homeschool them. Or at least don’t send them to Canadian public school.

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        hai noaw i want to candadian publik skool annd i can ashure yuo tha t i youse onli 10 perscent ove my brane

        • Domo_Konnichiwa

          Stop imitating Bane. No one can understand you.

          • Mitchell Taco Nash

            “Nowish naught thet ime furrf ear. Thetcum schlater.”

            Speech Impediment Bane from The Dark Knight Surprises

          • WrongWithYourFace

            That’s one of my favorite hobbies when I go read a book in my room… by myself.

    • Captain Turbo

      Is that pronounced “fud”?

      • lysergic43

        Yes, that’s exactly how it’s pronounced.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    Why is Rich the comic book guy’s office in the Chrysler building? Is it because it’s in New York City?

    • Captain Turbo

      In the movies all NYC offices are depicted as being in either the Chrysler Building or Empire State Building. Despite the fact that both structures are actually in New Jersey!

    • catnep

      Gotham reference I think!

  • lysergic43

    half in the baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

  • Gene Parmesan

    Why hasn’t anyone trashed Transcendence for the worst protagonist name ever in a movie? Will Caster?! That’s worse than Jack Reacher.

    • Captain Turbo

      That Will Caster is no Holden McGroin.

    • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

      [rolls a d20] I cast an attack against will!

    • Ant2206

      Forrest Taft, Frank Dux, Cypher Raige, Mutt Williams, John Spartan, Jack Saxon, and Frank Shatter would like a word.

    • catnep

      Totally agree. I yearn for the simple days of Jack Example.

  • Noah Roalson
    • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud
      • Noah Roalson

        Perfect :)

        • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

          Not my own creation, but it’ll do. I’m at work right now and don’t have access to my evil gif-making laboratory.

          • WrongWithYourFace

            But I thought gif-making was your full-time job!

          • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

            Yeah, since I arrived on this planet as a baby, everyone keeps telling me “You were meant to make great gifs, Faddlechud… to give the people something to giggle towards.”

          • dollar store cashier wife

            when we can go to the sun together space jesus?

          • Mitchell Taco Nash

            In time, you will help them accomplish blunders…

          • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

            “My son was ON the forum… he SAW what Faddle did.”

          • Percy Gryce

            I thought making gifs was your job.

          • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

            Of course, my good man.

  • Gene Parmesan

    Don’t forget: so they could have a fight scene. The only thing that’s important anymore are fight scenes.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    Today’s Evansisms:
    Jay Baulman, Stony and the return of the chable.

    • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

      It’s like Zen Koan. Let us ponder the mystery of the Evans.

      • Pissernacht

        I’d seek enlightenment under that idol!

        Amen.

  • Vegas

    So…they liked TASM2?!

    • Pissernacht

      …methinks we watched different videos…

    • dollar store cashier wife

      roger ebert gave it 5 stars yes.

  • Fartastic

    Jeez, you’re right, now I’m gonna look like some obstinate nerd who’s unable to perceive the obvious.

  • BRASH

    The only half decent excuse for him to be enemies with Spider Man was because he showed clear signs of being mentally unsound/handicapped. But even that is dumb.

  • DannyCBrennan

    Rich’s idea for a movie JUST revolving around a woman dealing with a simulation of her dead husband is pretty much played out in an episode of the British anthology series ‘Black Mirror’. As Rich suggests, it’s actually a very touching and human story, MUCH more worthy of your time than Transcendence.
    Episode’s called ‘Be Right Back’, check it out if you have the time.

  • CyborgUnicorn

    Batman Forever aside,

    • Percy Gryce

      In Living Color, the incubator of comic-book movie villains.

  • bongodoug

    ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Horse Ninja!

    • NotRickBerman

      Noo!

  • LukeMM95

    I think I have to go see Amazing Spider-man 2 now that I’ve seen this review. I mean I thought it was going to be bad, but THAT bad?

    • Anthony D.

      It really is that bad.

    • Uncle Sporkums

      Don’t forget to sneak in and substitute booze for popcorn.

      • LukeMM95

        Of course.

    • Percy Gryce

      You might be disappointed. I finally watched Man of Steel and was too bored to see the bad in such detail and with such passion as the boys did.

      • LukeMM95

        Man of Steel was the absolute worst thing thing ever. I so glad I didn’t pay for that trash. Even worse is the fact that people actually defend it.

  • Noah Roalson

    Haha, yeah :)

  • http://flesheatingbug.deviantart.com/ Som

    I’m so glad I’m not the only one who think that Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci are terrible. They should be shot …. out of a cannon …. into the sun

    • Bacchus

      That’s how they’d write it, with no discernible plot leading up to the event.

      • Domo_Konnichiwa

        It’d be like Star Trek: Generations, where they get from the cannon to the sun in 5 seconds because real-time would just take too damn long.

        Oooh look! A pretty space ribbon.

        • ident

          I know you’re being ironic but I’m going to take this moment
          to vent anyway to no one. You can excuse the time from firing the missile to
          detonation in the sun as “it would take too long”, but that’s lazy.
          Let’s say the missile had a propulsion unity capable of warp 1 and it would
          take 8 minutes to reach the sun and rewrite the scene. Picard gets down to the
          launch area, he tries to talk Sauron out of his crazy plan (“think of all
          the droogs on that planet!”), and, just when the audience is thinking that
          maybe Alex is seeing reason, he fires the missile. Picard watches the missile
          fly up, pained expression on his face, the audience thinks all is lost.

          Cut to the Enterprise, the saucer section is already starting it’s descent,
          chaos and sparks everywhere. Warf and Riker get an alert that a missile has
          left the planet and track it on screen. Riker orders Warf to shoot it down.
          Warf gives a triumphant sneer like this shit is going to be cake. He fires.

          Cut to the missile in space. We see the phaser hit, but (oh no!) the missile is
          shielded.

          Cut back to Warf, shock on his face. Riker asks what happened. Warf urgently
          pushes some buttons and reports that the missile is heavily shielded. Riker
          tells him to use photon torpedoes but Warf says the missile is moving too fast.
          The torpedoes could never catch it. (Alternately, there may be no photo
          torpedoes on the saucer section, can’t remember) Riker yells to keep burning it
          with phasers but Warf tells him its already out of range. Zoom on Riker’s face,
          disbelief melts into stoic resolve as, on the screen behind him, the planet
          gets rapidly closer.

          Cut to Picard on planet, his eyes on the sky. Far, far away, he sees a
          fireball, the saucer shape is discernible. Picard knows the Enterprise can’t
          stop the missile. It’s all up to him. He looks at Saruman. John Henry Eden has
          his back to Picard and is watching the fireball. We see Picard eyeball the weak
          point in the force field he noticed earlier and slowly moving towards it, not
          taking his eyes from Gangster 55. The camera cuts to Malcom McGregor and we
          lose track of Picard. He points out the fireball to Picard, mocks him, gloats a
          bit. Then he hears the telltale sound of footsteps on iron grate. His head
          whips toward the sound and he sees Picard on the other side of the platform. He
          reaches for his weapon, it’s not there. He quickly looks at the control station
          and notices two things at once: he left the weapon on top of the control
          station and he and Picard are roughly the same distance from it. Immediately
          both dash towards it. Ewan McDowell gets to the weapon a moment before Picard
          does and gets a shot off as Picard tackles him. They struggle for the weapon,
          mass confusion, the weapon fires again. There is the barest moment of suspense
          before we see Caligula slide limp to the floor. Picard grabs the edge of the
          control station to push himself up and it is finally revealed to the audience
          the outcome of the first shot. There is a burned and black entry wound in his
          chest, one lung is collapsing, blood covering his tunic. He struggles to get to
          his feet. He’s coughing blood, struggling to breath. He can see the console,
          he’s searching for the right button but which one? He coughs, blood sprays
          across the console, obscuring the buttons. He starts pressing buttons in a panic,
          life fading. Finally, as his strength fails and he begins to slide from the
          console down to the floor, a prompt appears: “Disarm Payload?” with a
          computer voice saying the same. We see sudden awareness in his eyes,
          determination, as he slips from the console he uses the last of his strength to
          thrust his arm to press the button. He falls short. A millimeter short. His
          hand, clawing to hold to anything, leaves a bloody streak on the control
          station. The camera settles on Picard’s face, fear and failure all over it,
          tears start in his eyes. Still on his face, the light on it flashes blinding
          white and fades to orange, then red, then black.

          To summarize the rest, he is in the Nexus, recruits Kirk,
          they come back. (In my version, there would be a reason why you could only
          return within an hour or so of you entering the Nexus) We see everything play
          out the same on the Enterprise and on the planet except Kirk has replaced
          Picard on the other side of the platform. Soran sees Kirk, looks for his weapon,
          hears the grate behind him and spins around to meet Picard’s punch in the face.
          Soran is unconscious, Picard and Kirk sprint to the control station. They
          discover that Picard doesn’t know how he got the prompt to disarm it. They each
          push some buttons, quibble and snipe at each other in a light hearted way. The
          prompt appears and the computer voice, once again, says “Disarm
          Payload?” and before Picard can push the button a “NO!” is
          screamed and a phaser blast scorches the edge of the console, startling them.
          Picard and Kirk turn to see Soran holding a very small phaser weapon in his
          hand (previously hidden in his boot as set up in an earlier scene). Picard
          quickly reaches for the phaser weapon on top of the console, Soran moves to fire,
          Kirk thrusts himself between Picard and Soran. Soran fires and hits Kirk, a
          half second later Picard gets his shot off and hits Soran, sending him tumbling
          off the platform to the rocks below. In the death scene, we see that Kirk has
          been wounded in precisely the same place as Picard was. This creates a dramatic
          parallel. Kirk doesn’t die for some faceless planet, he sacrifices himself for
          Picard by taking the death meant for Picard.

          Finally, we don’t leave Kirk to be eaten by wild animals. We
          take him on to the ship and fire him off into space in a scene meant to
          parallel the Spock “burial” scene from Wrath of Khan.

          • Percy Gryce

            TL; DR.

          • ident

            No one should. I’m surprised Disqus would even allow a post so long.

    • Captain Turbo

      The sad part is those two are the real hack frauds and they’re stinking rich.

  • Gobshite

    What’s this? A new HITB? Well it’s about time, you hack frauds. Now I’m off to check to see if it isn’t a mirage.

  • Anthony D.

    Bravo, gentlemen. I thought Transcendence was an okay film, I liked the ideas behind it and thought it was well-made in terms of the effects and everything. Plus, it was shot on film so the look of everything was really good. It was way better than Spider-Man, at least, that’s for sure.

  • omitted

    Although I’m totally confirmed for Jay, Mike’s grunting and groaning while he pounded that VCR at the beginning did make me consider a threesome. Oh what I wouldn’t give to be the meat in that manwich!

    Speaking of meat, Jay said that he wasn’t about to let Transcandence beat him, but maybe he could let me beat his? Pretty please?

    I also root for a pillow and a blanket anytime I’m watching Jay… for him to share them with me!

    • Meester Smeeth

      I don’t even know who you are anymore.

      • WrongWithYourFace

        He’s behavior has changed somehow? It’s all in his profile picture.

        • Meester Smeeth

          Give me a break. I usually only read my own comments.

          • omitted

            … said the producers of Amazing Spider-Man 2

          • Meester Smeeth

            Oh snap!

          • omitted

            Hey, I call shenanigans on you for editing your previous comment. Or is it something you also ‘usually’ do?

          • Meester Smeeth

            You weren’t supposed to see that.

          • omitted

            “These are not the adverbs you’re looking for”

          • Meester Smeeth

            No refunds!

          • LelouchtheFilial

            Amazing Spider-Man 2 ain’t all that and a bag of potato chips!

          • Meester Smeeth

            You knowaaamsaaayin’? Sheeeeeeeit.

          • Gene Parmesan

            They also said 3D about 80 times

          • omitted

            Wouldn’t that make it 240D?

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      Aha. Seems we both enjoyed that opening sequence.

      Who said you can’t have a climax at the beginning of a film? HEY-O! ;)

      • omitted

        It seems Transcendence did just that

  • Eric Christopher Sharp

    I actually thought this was the best Spiderman yet. I know I’m in the minority… But Spidey was actually clever and sarcastic, and they finally got the look and tone right. It was silly as all fuck and, yes, written horribly, but… isn’t everything with the name “Spiderman” attached to it?

    • Orion Burns

      Shouldn’t Peter Parker face the consequences of his actions?

      That’s the most important part of Spider-Man. Sam Raimi got that. Orci and Kurtzman fucked it up royally.

      • LelouchtheFilial

        I doubt that he has an argument for you. Saying that it was okay for Spider-Man to be shitty is like saying, “GEEZ, GUYS! It was just a movie! Take your thinking caps and rub it on your crotch!”

        • Uncle Sporkums

          That’s a Roger.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      “Spidey was actually clever and sarcastic”

      I didn’t know calling someone “sparkles” was considered clever or sarcastic. I prefer my superheroes to treat an unknown threat with a certain degree of caution/respect before pulling out witty lines, especially if you’re trying to calm that threat down. Most of what Spider-Man said was lame, and not the good kind of lame. Also, movie Spider-Man saying “yo” is awful, as well as his mannerisms giving off a wannabe-gangsta vibe.

      • Now I Get It

        Spider-Man can’t say “yo.” It’s like when presumptive heir and, latterly, co-owner of the estate Matthew Reginald Crawley said, “I’ve been on a steep learning curve…” I don’t know what Julian Fellowes was thinking, but apparently we’re to believe that Downton Abbey is the “hood” now.

      • LelouchtheFilial

        Very, very, very well-said.
        Everyone could have just read that.
        (Obscure reference to Man of Steel review.)

    • Orion Burns

      Oh, and Raimi Spider-Man quipped too. He just solely did it to anger his opponents so they might make a mistake.

      You know, like the Spider-Man from the comics.

    • Zach LaChance

      Coming from a comic book is no excuse for your movie to be garbage. Just look at the Sam Raimi Spider-man 2. It has a relatable character who has a clear motivation and character arc at the end, and it’s not horribly stupid and offensive.

    • LelouchtheFilial

      “It was silly as all fuck and, yes, written horribly, but… isn’t everything with the name “Spiderman” attached to it?”

      I have never seen someone so pleased by the bar being lowered.

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        Where’s James Cameron when you need him?

        “James Cameron doesn’t do what James Cameron does for James Cameron. James Cameron does what James Cameron does because James Cameron is… James Cameron.”

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67MRiMT9cnE

        • LelouchtheFilial

          “COME ON, YOU BIIIIIIIIIIITCH!”

    • Eric Christopher Sharp

      I didn’t want to vomit while watching this movie. I actually laughed a few times and enjoyed the cartoony vibe of it. Yes, it’s not the best movie, or even particularly memorable. But it’s the best Spiderman movie. The Raimi ones are awful and the first Amazing was a lamer version of this new one.

      *cracks knuckles* Come at me bros.

      • Orion Burns

        Please explain how the Raimi ones are awful. The moment you mention tangible details rather than intrinsic ones, you lose.

        GO!

        • Eric Christopher Sharp
          • Orion Burns

            Aaaaaaaaaaaand the first thing you mention is a tangible detail instead of an intrinsic one.

            I mean, COME ON. You’re not even trying!

          • Mitchell Taco Nash

            A meme is not an argument. Should we post how Peter as Spider-Man in TASM2 was stalking Gwen?

            “I think I have a superhero stalker.” This made sense in Spider-Man [2002] as he was around her as Peter when she’d get into trouble and at least he saved her. In this one he stalked her for about a month without interacting with her and she was fine.

            Spider-Creep.

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        “Come at me bros.”

        Dude, I’ll all jizzed out from the opening of this episode. Maybe later.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    It almost feels like if I scroll down to read comments while it plays, each second becomes 10 seconds, then when I scroll back up, the commercial is on its best behavior.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Maybe the share to compare protein intake.

  • Captain Turbo

    Said in the most nasal voice you can muster.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    This is one of the hammiest things in the fucking movie.
    “Don’t you know? I’m Electro!

    https://31.media.tumblr.com/670d974c8775dbfbf71c3ad2b65ab0a4/tumblr_inline_my1d3rMmEm1qb415x.gif

    Here’s the IMDB quote:

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1872181/quotes?item=qt1990808

    • omitted

      Guess no one at my local grocery store reads RLM comments, since me shouting “Don’t you know? I’m Omitted!” between the aisles garnered the exact same response

      • Domo_Konnichiwa

        You should have said “I’m Omitted! Hot and Horny!” Then you’d get some restraining orders.

        • omitted

          Well I did get arrested for public indecency

          • Now I Get It

            You misspelled “pubic.”

      • Captain Turbo

        Every other Saturday I run around Walmart saying “Name’s Ash. Housewares.” No one gets the joke.

    • Uncle Sporkums

      And who can forget this little gem… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zE5KXlg4iUY Because.. You know, internet parody videos make for great film dialogue.

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        At least here he is actually known as ‘The Juggernaut’. In TASM2, Max gave himself that name without telling anyone else, yet he said, “Don’t you know?” No, I don’t know.

        • Uncle Sporkums

          Ah, I gotcha. Sorry.

      • Orion Burns

        The moment when audiences realized that memes are not inherently funny, everyone!

    • Jack Colby

      It was silly, and I also wondered why he got to name himself so late in the game. Why didn’t the media dub him “Blackout” right after his first public display?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I haven’t watched this yet, but I sincerely hope they disliked The Amazing Spider-Man 2 as much as I did.

    • LelouchtheFilial

      Well, don’t watch, then, because they gave the film a glowing review and Rich Evans retroactively praised Amazing Spiderman 1.
      Jay admitted aloud that Sam Raimi is a shit director and burst into tears as Mike and Rich burned his ‘Evil Dead’ collection in front of him.
      Things picked up a little when Mike and Rich forced Jay to strip naked and dance around in circles as they poured beer on him. That was omitted fanservice.
      Anyway, everyone in the WORLD loved Amazing Spiderman 2, and you’re just a spoil-sport.
      You come to this comments section again saying mean things about my new favorite movie and I’m telling mom.

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        That was @omitted:disqus fanservice*

      • Domo_Konnichiwa

        Your mom was killed while jaywalking this morning. I’m so sorry.

        • LelouchtheFilial

          She was killed while walking with Jay?
          Good for her.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            I think Jay tripped her in an attempt to help fix her deviated septum without expensive surgery, and just wasn’t paying attention to the ice cream truck coming down the street. his intentions were good, I swear.

          • omitted

            Sorry, I have to admit it was me driving the ice cream truck on my usual rounds creeping on Jay. It seemed to me that she was getting a bit too handsy with my man

          • LelouchtheFilial

            Oh, driving around in an ICE CREAM TRUCK to be a creep seems a little passe, doesn’t it?

          • omitted

            But, but… I’m still waiting for Jay to fall for my “Don’t you wanna lick my cone?” -bit

          • LelouchtheFilial

            Mike and Jay are pretty pedantic and detail-oritented (“They don’t tell jokes in the circus!”) so Jay would probably laugh and say, “Like your CONE? I’d rather lick the ICE CREAM!”
            And then you can offer Jay your cream.

          • omitted

            Gasp! Are you implying that Mike and Jay are a bit… anal?

          • LelouchtheFilial

            I can’t believe I used every synonym for “anal” and didn’t even think of using the word itself.
            Not even as a Freudian slip.
            Cunting down.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            Is your company called “Jay screams for my cream!”

          • omitted

            That would be way too obvious. Of course it’s “Ice Horse Cream Ninja”

          • LelouchtheFilial

            Given his voice, I’d say that Jay knows a thing or two about deviated septums.
            I kidd– I want Jay to tuck me in and read me bedtime stories with that sweet, lilting tone of his.
            Or, at least, wacky kids’ jokes.

        • Mitchell Taco Nash

          Jaywalking is pretty sexy, but Jay slow fake-running the sexiest thing.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            I see Omitted got to up-vote you before I could. That bastard!

          • omitted

            The one time I’m not like 12 hours late to the party…

          • LelouchtheFilial

            So, when you say “Jaywalking,” do you mean that she did that little shuffle that Mike and Jay do when they’re off to watch a bad movie?
            Yeah, I always knew she needed a walker, but I spent all my money on a rocket-powered wheelchair for myself that I don’t even need.
            It’s in preparation for the new X-Men movie.
            HOLY SHIT– ANOTHER COMIC BOOK MOVIE!

          • Percy Gryce

            Don’t bother with verbs. We know what you’re trying to say.

      • omitted

        Not enough up-votes for that mental image of Jay. Thanks man

        • LelouchtheFilial

          “Yeees… DANCE!”

  • LelouchtheFilial

    Okay, as it turns out, when they posted a new Half in the Bag on Facebook, I felt that it was time to end my two day RLM hiatus.
    Anyway, this was the best episode of Half in the Bag I’ve ever seen. I’ve never seen them so animated with their frustration before.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      “I’ve never seen them so animated with their frustration before.”

      Are you implying the meticulously and universally praised Animated Plinkett videos couldn’t quite capture Mark and Jake’s frustration like this episode could?

      Shenanigans, I say!

      • LelouchtheFilial

        It captures their numerous deformities, but not much else.

      • fskn

        You mean Mark and Jack, right? And the comic book guy that was played by Rick Evians…

  • Lionel Bee

    I watch these for the plot.

    • NotRickBerman

      It’s gonna be great.

      • Uncle Sporkums

        That’s gonna be great.

        • Percy Gryce

          N.G.O.

          No, not some cosmopolitan do-gooder organization, but my usual refrain: “never gets old.”

          • Joe Syxpac

            Goongas.

        • Captain Turbo

          It’s like poetry, it rhymes.

        • NotRickBerman

          It’s gonna be great.

  • George

    I didn’t hate the movie, but I have no reason to defend it either. I’m tired of superhero movies in general, either Marvel or DC or Sony, etc.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Mike’s guttural sounds in the opening of this episode is the most erotic thing I’ve ever experienced in my life.

    This must be what losing my virginity will feel like.

    • LelouchtheFilial

      WILL be like?
      So hopeful, we creatures are.

    • omitted

      Tru-dat!

    • Now I Get It

      I’m going to tell you what George Orwell told his son, appearing to him from beyond the grave, on the same occasion: “Four legs good, two legs bad.”

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Holy shit… it seems my wish came truuuuuuedat!

    In some weird, cosmic coincidence sort of way, we’ve gotten Rich Evans Draws!

    • omitted

      Now you’re gonna delete this double post and make me look like a buffoon above, aren’t ya?

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        Blame Disqus and their shitty comment system.

        • omitted

          It is a bitch to keep track of

        • Percy Gryce

          It all went downhill when they stopped letting me downvote you–I mean use downvotes in general and not directed against any particular member of the RLM fan community.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            This is why you’re in second place. You spend too much time down-voting and not enough time commenting.

          • omitted

            Yeah, do it like King Taco: post everything twice!

    • Percy Gryce

      Should have been an ellipsis.

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        Just because it’s one-third the length of an ellipsis doesn’t mean it’s any less important.

        Honestly, sometimes people’s high standards on here worry me.

        • WrongWithYourFace

          To quote Aristotle: “size matters not”.

      • Captain Turbo

        An ellipsis is just a period with pretensions.

        • Joe Syxpac

          I thought it was a period with a stutter.

  • Zach LaChance

    Like Captain America The Winter Soldier right?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Holy shit… it seems my wish came truuuuuuedat!

    In some weird, cosmic-coincidence sort of way, we’ve gotten Rich Evans Draws!

    • omitted

      Hold your horses, man! I usually come twice when seeing Jay but this is just ridiculous

      • TJ

        Hold your Ninja Horses, man!

        • omitted

          Ninja Horses can’t be held

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    He should watch it on Betacam like the rest of us did.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I should have known Rich was a Stony fanboy! eX-Boks for lyfe, FUCKERS!

    • WrongWithYourFace

      Mike seemed particularly Stony when he defended the web hand.

  • Gabe Calderon

    My heart skipped a beat when Jay called Transcendence the anti-Her, that’s exactly what I was thinking the whole time I watched it. Lots of neat ideas, but executed in a pretty dumb way… It’s too bad I was rooting for that movie :/

  • Rancakes

    They didn’t even touch on how many people were KILLED in all the traffic accidents of spider-man 2!! hahaha

  • AnalogyShark

    I usually agree with the RLM guys, but I really feel like they went into this movie (Spiderman) wanting to hate it.

    I actually liked Amazing Spiderman 2 quite a lot. It’s by far the best Spiderman movie to date in my opinion. If you think the first 2 Sam Raimi films were good, go back and watch them again. They did not stand up to time at all.

    If the dramatic scenes had been cut, they would’ve complained that ‘they didn’t even try to develop emotional depth for Peter.’ As Rich points out, the source material they’re drawing from isn’t exactly the best written in the first place, so trying to have any motivation for these characters at all is stronger motivation than they had back in the comic books of ‘just thugs who want to rob banks’. (An aside: Despite being the resident ‘comic book buff’ Rich didn’t even realize/point out that Harry is Hobgoblin, not Green Goblin.)

    The movie definitely shines during the action sequences and Spidey’s quips are spot on in my opinion and some of the most fun scenes in comic book films thus far.

    I feel like if you go into the movie with an open mind, you’ll enjoy it a lot (like I did). Much like the Dark Side Cave, you will find only what you take with you.

    • Orion Burns

      Hey, I just watched both of them last night.

      They seemed to have aged gracefully and beautifully, like fine wine.

      Seriously, though, J. Jonah Jameson’s big emotional scene in Spider-Man 2 shows how perfect Sam Raimi was for the franchise, because he GOT IT.

      • Gabe Calderon

        People don’t seem to remember how much fun those movies are!

        • Orion Burns

          Revisionist history.

    • Gabe Calderon

      The point of a script writer when it comes to characters though is no only to flesh out their personalities but to give them proper motivation to carry out the events of the film. Just because something in a comic is bad doesn’t mean it has to be bad in it’s movie too.
      I would suggest you think about that with Spiderman 2. That villain had great motivation. And both of those first two movies did a great job focusing their narrative to the point that it wasn’t just a conglomeration of scenes without any context, they were movies that had a focused plot, adequate enough characters, and a solid emotional core. I get if you don’t like the movies because of the cornball, cheesy, Sam Raimi stuff, or because of the way they adapt the characters, I GET that, but you can’t honestly say that they were less well made than the Amazing Spiderman 2, it’s just not true from a technical perspective… And I would even argue that Spiderman 2 is a great movie

      • AnalogyShark

        I’ll agree with you that from a technical standpoint, Sam Raimi’s films are better. But these films to me are a lot more fun, and that’s what I want from a Spiderman film. Spiderman is a fun-loving, immature little shit in the comic books (and this is very much highlighted any time they have him interacting with other Marvel characters), and I feel that Andrew Garfield captures that much better than Toby ever did.

        If I want a solid emotionally driven film that leaves me pondering the deepest qualities of the human condition, I’ll watch a movie that is designed from the ground up to deliver that experience. From a Spiderman film all I basically want is webslinging, a girl you can’t be with, and snarky one liners during life and death situations. I loved when Spiderman bested Electro the first time with the fire hose, he had the fireman’s helmet on, and knew the other firefighters on a first name basis and took time to give them highfives. That’s just so spot on for Ultimate Spiderman (the canon they’re drawing from for these films).

        The Amazing Spiderman films just hit all of those notes spot on for me.

        tl;dr: The Amazing films aren’t better, but I really feel they’re more fun, which is what I want from Spiderman.

        • Orion Burns

          Must we include everything? Why not include only the best parts? Isn’t that what an adaptation is supposed to do?

        • Gabe Calderon

          I will agree I like Andrew Garfield in the role a little better, he was pretty great in that other Amazing Spiderman movie… I’ll admit I really enjoy that first one, sort of as a guilty pleasure. I think Toby definitely brought it when it came to the nerdy Peter Parker, but Garfield is way more likable as Peter, and Emma Stone is great as Gwen.
          Just for me, the substance of those other films was enough for me to get behind it, and I guess that’s just what I’m missing with this movie, but to each his own!

        • Gabe Calderon

          Oh and Spiderman’s actual character in the movie, I will agree was great. The stuff with the firehouse, all the quips, yeah a lot of fun, and it really brought me back to the comics.

        • sepiajack

          Really? I had the exact opposite reaction. The raimi ones are cheesy, and heartfelt and funny, and charming, and the Amazing Spiderman is exactly what Mike and Jay said, trying to be TDK of spiderman movies, its dreary, sullen, joyless and Andrew Garfield is a terrible actor with no charisma or likeability.

    • sepiajack

      I’ve recently rewatched all 3 Raimi spiderman movies, and I think they ALL hold up really well.

      • Memoman

        I just saw number 3, which I had never seen. It really isn’t all that bad. Emo Peter makes sense as some symbiote/dweeb’s version of cool. And Ash’s cameo was too good. My biggest gripe with it is that Kirsten Dunst clearly doesn’t give a fuck about it anymore. But on the other hand, she is gorgeous and I am sexually attracted to her. Which is incidentally what I like the most about the rebooted franchise. Emma Stone’s gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh.

        • sepiajack

          Well said Memoman. I think both X3 and Spiderman3 have their flaws, they also follow up part2s that are tough acts to follow, but I’ve never felt either is deserves as much scorn as they both get. It’s possible for a movie to be not perfect but still pretty good. 5 small changes would make Spiderman3 10 times better than it is, but it still has a lot going for it.

          • Jack Colby

            I agree, Spidey 3 is flawed, but not horrible. And I do blame the studio essentially forcing Raimi to add the Venom plotline for some of that. Three villains was probably two too many, and Sandman’s storyline never really went anywhere. That film was the start of what we now see in the ASM series; movie by committee.

      • ident

        None of them hold up for me. 3 least of all. Just terribly written, all of them. 3, though, is a special kind of awful. I won’t waste anyone’s time, we all know the arguments. Either you can’t endure it and hate it, or you can and don’t.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      “If the dramatic scenes had been cut, they would’ve complained that ‘they didn’t even try to develop emotional depth for Peter.’”

      Your logical fallacy is showing.

      Also, having watched Spider-Man fairly recently and got roughly halfway through Spider-Man 2 last night [I was watching it really late and needed to go to bed], I would argue that they’ve aged wonderfully.

      The characters are still relatable even though the events take place about a decade ago, the characters have arcs and motivations, the stories are tight and well paced, the action [while rather goofy in the first film] still holds up and they have weight and they don’t become a giant clusterfuck of CGI overload [you can tell what's happening and care about the outcomes of the action sequences], the special effects in Spider-Man 2 won them an Oscar [fat chance for these new films], Peter was an underdog dork that you really cared about and wanted to win in the end whereas this new Peter is kind of a hipster douche and sometimes walks and talks as if he has swagger or wants to be a gangsta, and the dramatic, emotional, action, and goofy scenes all seem to fit together very well and the different tones of the film flow naturally from scene to scene [the grim opening of this new one-- that felt like some odd spy film action movie-- went straight into the Spidey logo and an upbeat Spider-Man swinging through NY; the tonal shift was so jarring that I ended up laughing].

      When talking about the structure of the film after watching it with a friend, I mentioned that this film tries to have a bunch of pay-offs without first investing you in proper set-ups; Spider-Man defeating those two villains [or three if you're willing to count 'Rhino'] doesn’t have much of an impact because we’re unsure of their motivations or even what their end-goals might be. Why would Harry suddenly become a murdering psychopath and try to kill Gwen? You need to give him a clear motivation aside from just wanting to harm Peter or else you question his actions. Also, Gwen’s death was a hollow thud. Their relationship is so rocky and all their encounters in this film were awkward run-ins or were cut short that it felt like their relationship had no arc aside from breaking up and getting back together; it felt like a stereotypical high school romance or some Twilight-esque drama.

      Even on a technical side the lighting, framing, character beats, camera movements, editing, set design, composition, and costumes are all superior of the first two Raimi films and seem to be be part of a unified vision rather than one that was designed by committee. You can tell that Webb doesn’t have nearly as much creative control on the project as Raimi did and it suffers [not that it will inherently do so, but in this specific case it did].

      Oh, also, there’s no beating Danny Elfman’s iconic score for the Raimi films. The new films have gone through two composers already and neither really capture the character of the hero the same way Elfman did.

      Perhaps certain aspects of this film are closer to the source material, but that doesn’t mean it’s a better film for it.

      • AnalogyShark

        I guess I did have an appeal to probability, and my aside at Rich is an ad hominem, so I apologize for those.

        Meh, I’m clearly not going to change any opinions here, so yup, Amazing Spiderman 2 was awful, and there’s no way anyone could enjoy it ever, and I’m a huge asshole for trying to paint the movie in a better light.

        (sorry, but having 7 people beating up on me at once just isn’t fun to argue against. You win internet. And yes I realize throwing in the towel like this is probably a logical fallacy.)

        • Mitchell Taco Nash

          Dude, you’re in the RLM comments section.

          By default we’re ALL huge assholes.

        • Gabe Calderon

          Hey man I definitely wasn’t trying to beat up on you. We all have our opinions and as fans of movies, it’s good for all of us to discuss why we agree or disagree. No one is saying you should change what you think, and in the end I can completely understand why you enjoy it!

      • Gabe Calderon

        Yeah I agree with all this, but one thing people aren’t really pointing out is that it’s not Webb’s fault… I think he did the best possible job with the studio mandated script given to him… I don’t think anyone could really make a good movie out of that script. Maybe there’s a good Spiderman movie out there in the future directed by Webb, but it will only come to be when sony stops sticking their noses into everything the writers are doing and lets them do their thing like the first two spidey movies.

      • Stardog Champion

        Did Mr.Plinkett typed this? did he posses you? Your response was AWESOME!

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      You know, even though I disagree with you, I’m glad that you stated your own opinion on the matter. Sometimes it’s difficult to voice your dissenting opinion. My long post below [or above... wherever the fuck Disqus decides to put it...] was nothing personal and was mostly about my love for the Raimi films [Spider-Man 3 aside] and my dislike of these newer films.

      • AnalogyShark

        It’s cool, I just got flustered. Each time I was about to finish a response, I saw that I had more notifications of people telling me that I was wrong. I was just sort of hoping for at least one commentator to take my side.

    • Keldroc

      “Much like the Dark Side Cave, you will find only what you take with you.”

      I think this is a very apt statement, but probably not for the reasons you think. As with so many Orci/Kurtzman scripts, there really is nothing there to hang anything on in terms of theme, character or narrative. Most of the people who liked ASM2 (or Revenge of the Fallen, or Into Darkness, or The Island, etc. etc.) cite a lot of things that, frankly aren’t really there. It’s a dark mirror that either reflects what you want to see or simply shows you a void of infinite yawning nothing where there should be craft and creativity.

      To be fair, you seem to have just liked the action sequences, which is fine, but that’s hardly praise of a film. It’s not an effects reel, it’s a story being told, and when that story is told poorly, all the effects magic in the damn world isn’t going to matter to someone who holds a film, any film, to the most basic standards of competent narrative and character craft. I mean, your post is also an effective defense of the Star Wars prequels in their day, which I’m pretty sure most RLM viewers are united in saying don’t get a pass just because they’re nice to look at most of the time. Why should ASM2 get that pass when it doesn’t do any of the things that really matter any better than the prequels?

      • AnalogyShark

        I didn’t so much like the action sequences directly, as much as I liked them due to circumstance. Basically, the movie shines anytime Peter is in the suit, getting his webslinging on, which just so happens to only be during action sequences. It’s the quips and the humor more than the special effects that really did it for me.

        The main reason why this movie gets a pass, and the prequels do not, is because ASM2 has a solid protagonist and villains with motivations I can understand. To go off the checklist for the ‘why the prequels suck’ videos: I find myself caring about Andrew Garfield’s portrayal of Spiderman. He’s immature, cocksure and doesn’t plan very far ahead. I want his character to succeed and overcome the obstacles placed in front of him, and want him to get the girl at the end, and the tension of the film comes from me rooting for him to ‘win’.

        Even the villains have motivations that I understand: Electro has lived his whole life being ignored/picked on/bullied by everyone. The one person who pays attention to him, he begins to worship, only to find that he really didn’t matter to him in the first place, which drives him into perception that he truly doesn’t matter and that no one will ever pay attention to him. Honestly, it’s the same motivation that has lead many real life people to things like school shootings.

        Harry on the other hand, is dying of some ailment, and comes to the conclusion that only Spiderman can save his life (the technobabble that leads him to the conclusion is a bit weak, but I understand the motivation from that point out.) The urge to survive is one of the strongest primal instincts that lifeforms have. If you were certain that I (and only I) had the way to save your life, but was simply letting you die because I was too greedy/scared to help you, wouldn’t you try and find a way to coerce me into helping you?

        Compared to the prequels, that has 2 stoic characters who I don’t care about at all and a kid who has no concept of what’s going on or what’s at stake, and a villainous Trade Federation that never gives us a single ounce of motivation ever (in fact, all of their actions seem to be counter-intuitive to their goals).

        • ident

          You said you understood the motivations of the villains and RLM made much of their inability to do so. Why do think that is?

          • AnalogyShark

            I feel like the RLM guys went into this movie with the preconception that they wouldn’t like it. As I mentioned, the technobabble that leads Harry to the conclusion that he needs Spiderman’s blood is a bit weak (that’s what they focused on “OH! I NEEDS THE MAGIC BLOODS”), but once he has that knowledge, he’s pretty clearly motivated. I don’t think they could get passed the ‘magic blood’ concept. Their complaints were that they didn’t know why the blood would help Harry.

          • ident

            And Electro?

          • Jack Colby

            Harry’s survival instinct is still a poor motivation for him (as in ‘we don’t care’) if the setup for it doesn’t work or make sense, right?

      • sepiajack

        I would add that Orci et al usually cover up their lack of complexity with over complication, which is always glued together with waaaaaay too much exposition.

        There’s also a sense in a lot of these movies; Into Darkness, Cowboys and Aliens, Prometheus, Super 8, etc where anyone with experience writing a screenplay can notice how different scenes throughout are relics and carry overs from different drafts. In some parts of Super 8, the monster is the baddie, like Predator, in other parts its a tragic sympathetic alien like ET.

        Or like the example Rich gave of an intern dropping all the different drafts and then just shuffling them together. That is really apparent. Prometheus’ main issues stem from this, Lindeloff did the new draft, but there are things that were left in from the Spaitts draft that no longer make any sense with the changes that were made. These guys movies are never more than the sum of their parts, its really the same issue the Star Wars prequels had, they aren’t movies just collections of scenes, they just have much slicker presentation then Lucas did.

  • Percy Gryce

    When Mike recommended Transcendence to “nerd dads,” why did I have the feeling he was talking to me?

    • omitted

      Did his stare spear right through your soul? It does that sometimes

      • Percy Gryce

        Your fixation on Mike’s spear is disturbing.

    • sepiajack

      I knew EXACTLY the kind of dad he means, my friend’s dad to a tea, had to set up one vcr in the basement, and one in the living room so he could make sure to tape both babylon 5, AND Stargate SG1 on a saturday night.

      • ident

        To a tea? I always thought it was “to a T”? One of us has a date with a grammar nazi oven.

        • sepiajack

          Yikes! Apparently its me!

          • Jason

            it’s*. Kappa
            Video game joke!

  • Gabe Calderon

    Oh I love the Amazing Spiderman 2 though, it was such a crappy…. thing… I don’t think we can even count it as a movie, can we…
    My emotions were all over the place during it cause, in contrast to these guys, I really love Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone in their roles, and I like the plot thread with their relationship but eeeeverything eeeelse was just terrible, and the way it was all put together was completely baffling. Hey, I was fascinated enough by what I was watching that I enjoyed it. The sad thing is, they could have done just a few things to make it better: Delete the whole Parker family lineage, spider experiment, viao computer storyline completely, instead of making Harry Osborne a villain in this movie, just take time to set up his character and friendship with Peter, and that’s it! Now there’s more time to set up, whatever the goofy electrician as an actual bad guy with actual motivations, and everything isn’t so cluttered.
    Oh for what it was though, I loved it, it was such a marvelous mess(pun intended).

  • Percy Gryce

    Why was there no discussion of how hot Rebecca Hall is? Ahh, Rebecca Hall–or, as I call her, the second Mrs. Gryce.

    • sepiajack

      Sorry Percy, I’m not willing to share her…

      • Percy Gryce

        Jack, I’m not sure your transparent teapot is enough to wow her.

        • Mark Bisone

          Teapot? I thought he was a fossilized crock of shit.

          • WrongWithYourFace

            I thought it was pudding that’s passed its “best before” date.

          • Percy Gryce

            I’ll let Jack explain his own totally obscure avatar.

          • sepiajack

            Here’s a closer look at it, the bottom of the frame is the thingy that sits under the tea pot, the round disc in the middle is the reflection of the bottom of the tea strainer thing you see in the top middle of frame, the shiney circle around it is the reflection on the bottom of the glass tea pot of the sky outside my window, and you can see all the little bubbles because it’s freshly boiled.

            My one and only attempt at an artsy ‘what is this?’ photo.

          • sepiajack

            Here’s a slightly different angle

          • sepiajack

            Whoops, stupid disqus won’t let me delete a photo when I edit a post, I was trying to post the exact image that is in my avatar but grabbed the wrong file, this is the right one. Anyways, this concludes my Much Ado About Nothing for the evening…

          • Percy Gryce

            That’s borderline experimental.

          • sepiajack

            Yes, my experiment to lure in Rebecca Hall. I suppose you can have her if I can have Eva Green, she’s my one and only where creepy crushes on famous actresses I’ll never meet are concerned.

          • Percy Gryce

            Ah-ha, you’ve definitely lost Rebecca now that you’ve told her that she’s your second choice!

          • sepiajack

            It was worth it for Eva.

          • Mitchell Taco Nash

            When I clicked “see more”, I was pleasantly surprised with cleavage.

            My day just got a little bit brighter… oh shit, that’s the sun coming out! I’ve stayed up all night?!

        • sepiajack

          On the contrary, she’s English, so my teapot will get me ALL of Rebecca’s HALL…

          • Percy Gryce

            Dammit. Foiled by a transparent teapot.

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        I wonder if they’ll reuse you again in X-Men: Days of Future Past?

        The wheelbarrow isn’t going to wheelbarrow itself!

        • sepiajack

          I feel lucky already they reused that shot for First Class, but I keep waiting for that call to reprise my character…

        • sepiajack

          Wolverine goes back in time and prevents kid Magneto from seeing my arm, based on this he never learns the true meaning of predjudice, and thus never becomes Magneto, and then none of the X-men movies happen because everyone gets along.

          • Mitchell Taco Nash

            So, what you’re saying, is that you’re the key to all this? Every frame of you wheeling that wheelbarrow is so… dense.

          • sepiajack

            Yes I am, much like George McFly; it is my density.

            I remember Bryan Singer saying to the FX guys; “Wheelbarrow man is the key to all this, because he’s a funnier character than we’ve tried before, but if we can get Wheelbarrowman working…”

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      Her cleavage doesn’t have nearly enough of my baby-making juice on it.

      • Domo_Konnichiwa

        That’s because they Photoshopped it out with everything else that was real about her.

        • Percy Gryce

          Me-ow!

    • Captain Turbo

      She reminds me of Scarlett Johansson only pretty.

    • Kenlin Bros

      My brother snogged her little sister. Then he got weirded out by her Adam’s apple, and now whenever I see Rebecca Hall, I can’t stop looking at her throat.

  • Svas Tara

    aaaamaaaaaaaaaziiiiiiiinnnggggg!!!! :)))

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Mike: “Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.”

    I love it when they quickly flash an image that goes with what they’re saying. It’s so Rich. Every single frame has so many things going on.

    • sepiajack

      Including the return of CHABLE

      • WrongWithYourFace

        I called it first!

        • Percy Gryce

          Now, now, boys, don’t fight. There’s enough Rich Evanescence to go around.

          • WrongWithYourFace

            Evanscendence?

          • Percy Gryce

            Evanescence is the unique quality of awesomeness of Richevans, which is so strong that it permeates the atmosphere around him and is perceptible by mere humans.

            Evanscendence is the state of elevated consciousness that Richevans occupies–it is a realm of existence above that of mere humans.

            So while we can perceive Evanescence, we can only aspire to Evanscendence, never hoping to actually achieve it.

          • sepiajack

            What about TransEvandence?

          • Percy Gryce

            Who told you about that?

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            Not who, but what (It was his tea pot.)

    • Joe Syxpac

      “That was like a film student shot that.”

  • castlemonster

    Dude, do you guys even lift? You guys need to put on some massive bulking muscles and flex them a lot during the reviews.

    • Orion Burns

      …If that’s an oblique reference to Peter Parker in Raimi’s Spider-Man 1 when he sees his spider-given pecs for the first time, and immediately starts flexing, then kudos.

      Otherwise, what does that have to do with ANYTHING?

      • castlemonster

        This show would be ideal for promoting a line of extreme bodybuilding supplements.

        • Orion Burns

          …Whatever you say, pal.

          *slowly backs away*

        • Mitchell Taco Nash

          RichEvans is an ideal body standard.

          In fact, it’s so ideal that here in Canada we have sizes labelled:

          S
          M
          L
          XL
          RE

          • castlemonster

            Mike and Jay could toss him back and forth like a medicine ball while skewering Hercules or Beverly Hills Cop 4 or some other upcoming Brett Ratner movie.

          • ident

            Since the Richevans body type is the apex of male masculinity I’m sure you are reading those wrong.

            XXS
            XS
            S
            RE
            RE+
            RE^2

          • Joe Syxpac

            You can’t have RE+ or RE^2. That would imply that there is something greater than RE. We all know such a thing is impossible.

          • Thanatos2k

            He meant these sizes instead:

            RE
            FP (Fake Plinkett)
            SC (Space Cop)

          • Joe Syxpac

            Yeah, that works much better.

    • Captain Turbo

      I got my pump on watching this episode. Seriously.

      • castlemonster

        Mike: “That movie may have been a BOMB, but check out these GUNS!” *flexes massive arms*

    • Taft you FUCK

      Taft approves of your protein-enhanced vernacular. It’s a theme this one would like to incorporate in his daily activit– DONUTS!

  • sepiajack

    That was great! And a rare use of flashbacks to a previous episode

    • Memoman

      Yeah that was pretty neat. I recently revisited the review for the first TASM so I had it fresh in my mind.

      It was a pretty good episode too; now with added value thanks to this new episode’s funny way of reinterpreting events and expanding on the RLM lore. You kind of get the idea that they’re trying to say something about cleverly building up on previously laid foundations through witty writing and having fun with the material without having to resort to cynical franchise building and mercantile oriented cash-grabbing, at the detriment of the movie itself. But then again, they’re just soulless hacks, right?

    • Percy Gryce

      Didn’t they just do a flashback in BOTW #15 to BOTW #11?

  • McDuck

    Wait a sec….

    • WrongWithYourFace

      I think you mean “hold your horses”.

  • Geahk Burchill

    EXCELLENT! I loved the special effect at the end where Jay and Mike melted Rich with phasers. That was amaze-balls!

  • Lizzie

    So fucking keen for Horse Ninja

  • KonradZell

    Glad to that the Evans agrees with me on ME3′s ending. Smart, sexy, AND he has good taste in games.

    • Orion Burns

      Play Spec Ops: The Line to see that kind of shit done RIGHT.

      • KonradZell

        Word, son.

  • John Krzeminski

    Spiderman’s magic blood to heal someone? I’m surprised you guys didn’t remember that was the basic plot to the Wolverine movie with the Silver Samurai.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      At least it somewhat makes sense in that one as we know some of Wolverine’s abilities is that he hardly ages and that he can heal very quickly.

      In this film Harry just guesses that Spider-Man was bitten by one of the spiders, even though I thought they said were all destroyed [except their venom was kept], but then if they were all destroyed what were the spiders in the first film that bit Peter? Where did those spiders go? Why did Harry get so sick so quickly? His father said that the symptoms started showing up around Harry’s age, but he still lived until what seems to be his 50s before dying. Why was Harry in such a rush? Also, how did Harry known that the suit would save him once he got really sick after getting injected with the spider venom? Where the hell did the suit even come from? Why does Oscorp have a bunch of random suits and stuff for future super villains? Is Norman Osborn a secret asshole?

      Whyyyyyyyy?

      • Uncle Sporkums

        Why do you have to be a hater? XD

        • LelouchtheFilial

          Amazing Spider-Man 2 was AWESOME, bro! What do you know?

          • Uncle Sporkums

            Tho many exthplosionth.. You Thee how many buildinth fell down? Mandarin..

          • Taft you FUCK

            I got chocolate wasted watching this movie…

            Does anybody else hear crickets? And a ringing? I’m blacking out.

      • http://hardycases.com/ Hale

        They saved the spiders’ VENOM?

        Ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh that’s some clever foreshadowing right there.

        • Uncle Sporkums

          And with the Tentacles and wings in the background, they’re just bludgeoning you to death with it. Is that factory going to be raided and then you see Doc Ock and The Vulture, etc. attacking the city all at the same time like in DKR, or something? Or are they going to whore it out any further and have the “stolen bionics” appear one by one in each movie. UGH…

      • CyborgUnicorn

        I thought they had meant they destroyed the spiders after Connors turned into the Lizard in the first film. Also, I remember Harry finding specs of the “healing suit” in the computer in the office before getting thrown out.

        • Mitchell Taco Nash

          Perhaps I misunderstood, didn’t notice, or forgot a few things. Looking back they did say what Dr. Connors was working on was destroyed to restore investor confidence, which would have included those spiders I guess.

          We did see a quick glimpse of Harry checking out the suit, but that kind of makes me wonder why there’s a healing suit, though. Did his father use it? Was is specifically designed to heal Harry’s ailment or does it heal more than that? Why is it an exoskeleton suit? Why does it have the ability to both heal AND make someone really strong? What’s the purpose of the glider? How was Harry able to fly out of a secured section of Oscorp, which we can assume is underground somewhere, with his glider? Why can Harry handle direct punches to his face from Spider-Man, who’s a superhero with super strength? Shouldn’t he keep his space helmet on? I’d keep my helmet on just in case. What does the Green Goblin goo do? Why is no one surprised when it’s revealed that Norman Osborn is alive?

          Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?

          http://cdn.rickey.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Prometheus-Questions-from-Red-Letter-Media-Video.jpg

          • CyborgUnicorn

            Wow was scrolling around, looks like you’ve really been making the rounds on this pace, Props to ya. Perhaps the suit was his dad’s, or an experiment, or a “Military Contract” like the Raimi version or Batman’s in Begins. They could have fleshed that out a little more I guess.
            How did Harry get out of Oscorp with the glider? Well, technically all they really need with that is a FTB but I’m guessing from the additional footage not in the movie, they shot that and left it out because he might have encountered Felicia. Or maybe he just snuck out, or subdued anyone in his way. My impression of the suit was not that it gave him strength, just that it helped heal injuries while it was worn. If Harry was injected by a bunch of the same spider-venom(the green goblin goo) that Peter got bitten by, then I don’t see any reason Harry wouldn’t have some super strength or be able to take a punch in the face from spider-man. Should Harry have taken his helmet off? Well no, you should always wear a helmet :P lest he “hit his head fighting peter and get amnesia” but hes an actor so he has to show his face on screen. And why was noone surprised about Osborn being alive? Do you mean his head being stored? I think I might have read that somewhere but I didn’t see anything about it so maybe people just don’t know, but its hardly a surprise Marvel bringing characters back to life.

            I gotta take a breath.. By the way, thinking about what the guys said about ASM2 having no plot, I think it does have a plot but it is convoluted. Got to thinking though, does Pulp Fiction have a plot? I would say Pulp Fiction, as great a movie as it is, is just a collection of scenes

      • catnep

        You could cut yourself on the point of his ear!

    • ident

      There was a lot of dumb in that movie, but perhaps the dumbest was the premise that a genetic mutation could be “stolen” from someone. Wait…maybe that’s why white people don’t have sickle cell. The black people stole it from them!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I was more emotinally invested in the ending of this episode with the toy space guns than I was during the ending of The Amazing CGI-Man 2: Electro Boogaloo.

    • Memoman

      What’s funny, in a sort of “Oh the humanity!” kind of way, is that I’m guessing that the people who say this movie was great don’t even realize that the stuff they liked about it were the sequences that had no humans in them. They liked the extremely high res, über expensive cartoon sequences.

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        A lot of scenes from Horse Ninja doesn’t have humans in them but that won’t stop me from enjoying those!

        • Memoman

          Clearly you’re not referring to the love scene, right?

          • Mitchell Taco Nash

            Those love scenes are the bestiaity!

  • WrongWithYourFace

    I think there’s something horribly wrong with the review because now I really want to see The Amazin Taco Nash 2: Electric Boogieman.

    • Memoman

      I heard great things about the Sepia Goblin and The Bison!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    “It’s as unsettling as Rich Evan’s laugh.”

    You spelled ‘transcending’ wrong.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    No one else noticed, but our brains did.

  • Alex Lee

    I think that Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman will run Sci-Fi/Fantasy into the ground and make it absolutely untouchable by anyone.

    At least I can’t point the finger at any one person for the fall of Westerns, that was done by cultural sensitivity.

    • Orion Burns

      Maybe Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely can prevent that from happening.

      Hell, they’re basically miracle workers, because they achieved the impossible.

      They got the average moviegoer to care about Captain America.

      • Alex Lee

        I sure hope so. Well, anybody really.

        What’s really aggravating is how there is no way for the movie-goer to really voice their dissatisfaction with a movie in a way that the executives will understand. They just see bar graphs going up and that’s good enough for them, and they have no reason to change the way they net revenue because it’s more risk with less reward.

  • http://www.plasticpals.com/ Robotbling

    Is that little robot on the shelf in the background Hi-Q the Intellibot?

  • Orion Burns

    It’s my birthday.

    TIME TO LIGHT THE CANDLES.

  • Remy

    Is it just me, or do the shots with Rich and Jay look like digital zoom?

  • Chris Webb

    Lawnmower man and the Sub-par Spiderman

  • ClanPsi

    Hey! The Island was a great movie!! >_<

    • Captain Turbo

      Could we define “great”?

      • http://hardycases.com/ Hale

        Well it was a great rip-off of a no-budget sci-fi film.

        • ident

          A great example of shameless plagiarism.

  • Captain Turbo

    I’ve been drinking a whole lot of coffee late at night recently. Does that mean I’m a vampire?

  • Kenshiroh

    And he ripped off his schtick from Matt Frewer (Max Headroom).

    • Now I Get It

      Watching “Community”, I’ve had the same thought about Jim Rash, whose “Dean Pelton” seems a lot like old Martin Short characters, especially when I watch his mouth move and listen to his wildly inflecting voice. Here, though, “ripped off” might be too strong a term.

  • Gavin Wright

    Rich getting called out for mispronouncing words is my new favorite thing. I kind of wish my name was “Stony Chable”.

  • Jim Curran

    Longest advertisement in fucking history, Jesus FUCK! Guys…I know the site costs money but FUCK…

  • Jim Curran

    28 seconds my ass…

  • William Lee Twitch

    Epileptics use 100% of their brains? I have hit the genius jackpot! Fetch me my metal mask and my World Dominatorplex ZX25001. I have a 1000 year empire to make!

  • Canadian Guy

    Can you guys please put together a “worst fucking movie I ever seen” list and do a segment where you put them in order from 1 to 300, or into buckets like “shit”, “bad shit”, “turkey” or whatever. I’m getting confused.

    • Thanatos2k

      I assume 300 will be at the bottom of the list in the 300th spot? Then the list will be from 1 to 300.

  • http://hardycases.com/ Hale

    Oh. Damn it all. I was really looking forward to “Spider-Man vs. Mr. Freeze and Sting”.

    • Mk Ultra

      Sting was ahead of the game most of the time. You know why.. don’t make me sing it

      • catnep

        Raaawxanne

    • CyborgUnicorn

      I got more of a Dr Manhattan vibe off Electro

  • UCHUBomb

    “The whole story is connected! I won’t even bother to explain how but it definitely is!!”

  • Chingotchcook

    Mike ‘fixing’ the VCR is my favorite part & I haven’t even finished it yet…

    • Noah Roalson

      His manly grunting is unbeatable, even by a Wookiee ;)

      • Chingotchcook

        I especially like his reaction to the cup spilling.

  • Percy Gryce

    “Effective”–that’s how I describe all of my favorite movies.

  • Alex Lee

    09 was in the context of what was considered a dead franchise. That was a movie that needed to play it safe, and what people really wanted was the characters, which meant the plot had to take a back seat. He said it himself, it’s “a guilty pleasure.” It’s dumb, but it didn’t need to be that smart.

    So, no, I don’t think he’s retracting that view exactly. I suspect (because I am) that he’s disappointed in the waste of potential that movie created. It’s revealed that Orci and Kurtzman will not take the time it takes to make a story that makes sense, or grow the characters they created into something more than what we had before.

  • Leo Silva

    Not to mention the fact they both (Mike and Jay) liked Cowboys & Aliens, and gave it a positive review.

    • Memoman

      I watched that crap based on their review… I hated it.

  • Alex Lee

    Eh, that’s TV/Netflix/Redbox. People would just be dissatisfied with that kind of run time.

    Maybe movie prices should be proportionally related to the budget. A ticket could cost ten-millionth of the total budget (0.0000001).

    So, a $200 million movie would cost 20 dollars, and a $50 million movie be worth $5. It would give the smaller films a chance to thrive because the movie would be more accessible to a wider group of people and larger films can benefit from the “prestige” of being a so-called premium film.

    • moleman124

      .. how about you let the audiance decide what they want to pay AFTER seeing the movie. $5 for shit, $10 for average $15 for good $20 for excellent, $0 for transcendence… works much better this way , rather than inflating the budget just to hype up the prices….

      • Alex Lee

        Too much dine and ditch can go on in such a system.

  • Bahareh Khosravi

    I fell asleep with this on a loop (I’m not the only one who does that, am I?) and dreamed that Mike was interviewing the cast and crew of TASM in a talk show setting. Rich and I were in the audience and we kept talking about the circle jerkian, garbagian nature of the thing and asking him to nail these guys and he kept shushing us! Then we drove back home and I kissed Jay’s ear, to which he didn’t take too kindly.

    • Taft you FUCK

      You better apologize for dreaming about Jay. I didn’t extend Presidential privilege to you to enjoy his chiseled facial scruff. Only I am allowed such fancies in dreamland. APOLOGIZE.

      • Bahareh Khosravi

        Taft you FUCK! You bought your Jay blowup doll on ebay! I know it cuz YOU OUTBID ME FOR IT!

        • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

          [uproarious applause]

          that was excellent

        • ident

          Now I know you’re a guy because that was funny.

    • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

      I sometimes put on Plinkett reviews to fall asleep to… his voice is actually kind of soothing to me, the way he just keeps talking in one long incredibly unbroken sentence, moving from topic to topic, so that no one has a chance to interrupt… it’s really quite hypnotic.

      • Domo_Konnichiwa
      • Thanatos2k

        The Plinkett movie commentaries are much better for that, they even have soothing music and long periods of silence at certain points, it’s perfect.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      “Then we drove back home and I kissed Jay’s ear”

      Don’t let @omitted:disqus see that!

  • Mike Jakermen

    I think the reason i hate these movies . Is there just being made just to keep the rights. I mean say whatever you want about Raimi Spider-man Trilogy. But the reason he wanted to make a spider-man movie was because he was a fan. Web is making these movies because he is being paid. Even when comes to someone like Christopher Nolan. He made Batman movies because he thought there was a story worth telling. The Amazing Spider-man movies just seem like passionless by the numbers filmmaking.

  • Lost in the Morridor

    Oh, it hurts… I am laughing so hard it hurts… At the ending, with the phaser and disrupter… Look at how the skin is melting off his face… Oh god… Thank you! I needed this, oh god I needed this. Thank you… ;.D

  • Jordan

    Please keep Rich Evans on this show as himself permanently. He knows just enough about movies and is a great personality.

    Thanks.

    • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

      Please ignore this man, he hasn’t taken his brain mebdisin. Rich Evans should play every character who is not Mike or Jay or a pretty lady.

      • Percy Gryce

        Or Jack or Wizard or undercover hookers or paranormal investigators or Alexandre O. Philippe or . . . .

  • http://kyleclements.com/ Kyle Clements

    My favourite part about this episode: I have both of those toy phasers.

    • Thanatos2k

      Only one of them is a phaser!

  • backwards7

    Watching a James Brown show in his twilight years would sometimes entail waiting around while the elements of his band filed-out and were introduced at length by a compère who would periodically ask the audience to confirm that they were feeling funky. Only after a considerable period of time had elapsed and the funk had been raised to an acceptable level, would Brown appear and, somewhat stiffly, do his thing.

    That mentality seems to have crossed-over into the genre of the comic book Superhero movie. I suppose it shouldn’t come as a surprise: If you put your head around the door of your local comic book shop one thing that is immediately obvious is the crossover between the fans of Green Lantern and the aficionados of energetic soul-funk.

    In the last Batman film it took over half an hour for Batman to show up. It was like agreeing to meet a friend in a bar at a certain time and them arriving 30 minutes later leaving you cast in the objectionable role of ‘creepy looking guy who stands on his own in the corner.’

    Now Spiderman has upped the ante. It just seems to take longer and longer to get these guys with super powers to come out of their trailers. How long will it be before there’s a Superman movie where he turns up in the last five minutes, warns kids not to do drugs (part of his community order for killing all those people in Man of Steel) and then flies off into the sunset and punches the sun?

    Now that these movies are speculatively conceived as trilogies it’s like the producers are trying to imitate TV with the kind of complex and convoluted storylines that might better play out over 13 or so episodes. When you condense that into two hours the scenes become disjointed and don’t make sense. There is either limited explanation with regard to what’s going on, huge jumps in the narrative, or the exposition is painful and doesn’t make any sense when you think about it later.

    I would happily watch a parred down 90 or so minutes of high-density entertainment with a simple, engaging plot. And just one villain: The Rabbit – A man who fell on sex toy at the exact same moment that it was struck by a bolt of magic lightning. Now all he wants to do is rob banks. Makers of Spiderman, the Rabbit is my gift to you.

  • bluehawk222

    They didn’t address the biggest plothole with Spider-man. What’s to stop Harry from just telling the Rhyno and future Doc Ock and Vulture Peter is Spider-man and they just attack him at his house? I’m surprised they just didn’t give us convenient amnesia to conclude that

    • Kjellmand

      Didn’t even think about that… They are really setting themselves up for some major plotholes there.

    • irastev

      You can only have a plot hole if you have an actual plot. This is Orci and Kurtzman we’re talking about. They don’t do plots. They scribble scenes and then the directors film these scenes and try to figure out the least illogical way to assembly them in the post.

  • Aurini

    His name is not “Rich”. HE IS THE RICH EVANS!!!

    • catnep

      Or “The Evans” when giving proper deference.

  • bb-15

    Thanks guys. Because if you I won’t waste my time seeing these two bombs in a theater.
    Also, great beginning and ending to the show.

  • Guest

    I don’t care what convoluted plot reason you have to come up with can you PLEASE go back to doing reviews at Mr. Plinkett’s house?? Something about that place is

  • Guest

    I don’t care what convoluted plot reason you have to come up with but can you PLEASEgo back to doing reviews at Mr. Plinkett’s house?? Something
    about that place is super comfortable. You’re in recliners instead of barstools, there isn’t that harsh fluorescent lighting, the furniture constantly being destroyed.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      January is now Guest?

      Well, at least she’s out of the X-Men films. Got that was awful.

  • Taft you FUCK

    This is just more reason for me to lament the fact that Marvel Studios doesn’t own two if its greatest comic book pillars: X-Men and Spider-Man. Imagine what they could have done with the SM source material?

    Granted, Spider-Man 2 (Raimi) is still one of my top-five favorite comic book movies of all time, but the level of quality since then has very rapidly disintegrated. And it saddens my jowls to see it come to this, because the Spider-man character can be done on a movie screen with maturity, class, and excitement.

    • Pa Kent Says Maybe

      Yeah, just imagine. More generic superhero sh!t for malformed thirty year-olds to salivate all over.

      Stand there, say something quippy. Stand there, say something sad. Stand there, say something quippy again. Now you’ve got a helmet. Now you don’t. Now you do again. Say something quippy. THING CRASHES INTO OTHER THING. End credits. Wait for it… Wait for it… Ooh, that’s some guy’s thing! You know, from that other comic book? Oooh.

      Marvel, the fanboy’s go-to since Pixar started to suck.™

      • Pa Kent Says Maybe

        Oops. I forgot.

        “Say something stupid about science that isn’t at all scientific” comes before “Say something sad” in all Marvel movie scripts.

        And, there should be another “Say something quippy” in there as well.

  • Stardog Champion

    A movie where a ninja spirit posses a horse…Then goes off to assassinate some evil corporate or whatever and Scarlett Johansson have sex with a horse?…Damn that sounds like an Oscar worthy movie. I’ll pay full price to see it.

  • Stardog Champion

    Batman Forever had a cohesive plot. At least Batman, Robin and Riddler had motivation for their actions. Except for Two-Face…I never get why he wanted Batman dead in the film.

    • Mijk

      I also never understood the motiviation of him just pulling stupid faces, while the riddler explaining his elaborate plans and goofs about like Jim Carrey.
      Also the motivation why Nicole Kidman wants to bang Batman in his costume, was only semi-answered…

      • catnep

        Because of the old cliche: a woman likes a man in uniform? I wouldn’t be surprised if it was that and no further thought went into it.

        • Mijk

          Also chicks dig the car…

        • Fartastic

          But how can a unique costume be considered a uniform? It’s actually the very opposite.

          • catnep

            Well, he wears it whenever he goes to work, or when duty calls, so it is a uniform to my way of thinking.

  • Bort

    …if i was writing the script to a spiderman movie.. a rebooted spiderman that is… i would have just rebooted venom.. ya know? and just have venom as the antagonist and no one else… just craft one simple story… one deep intriguing story about possession.. and addiction.. and the temptation of selfishness.. something that doesnt involve electric eels…

  • Roger Sterlings Lucky Strikes

    I like when they review movies that I have no interest in seeing so that I don’t have to wait to watch HitB!

    • Memoman

      Which is really like 99% of movies! The good movies never get around the multiplex around here in Fuckwad county, they’re busy showing Spiderman on all available screens….

      • Pa Kent Says Maybe

        Right? I live within five minutes of 30 screens. THIRTY!!! 28 of them showing THOR’S BULGE or whatever. The nearest theater that shows the films I’m interested in is fifty-five minutes away.

  • Now I Get It

    Carey might have been involved in some competition we don’t know about…in his mind.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4Vf9QMROCQ

    • Percy Gryce

      In Jay’s Journal of Anomalies, Ricky Jay has a great chapter on the history of “Grinners, Gurners, and Grimaciers.” It just goes to show that these show-biz traditions go back centuries.

  • Joe Syxpac

    I can understand why Mike is such a cynic. I mean, every single week he sees the worst movie he’s ever seen.

    • Percy Gryce

      And yet still he was willing to make allowance for “web hands” and other instances of artistic license.

      He’s the very model of a modern major-appliance repairman.

      • ident

        Allowances? From his spirited defense of it against all comers, the “web hand” is clearly the most creative thing he has ever seen. Aside from V-World Matrix and the guitar scene in Rebootcop, of course.

      • Joe Syxpac

        Truly, truly, he is a saint among sinners.

  • joey

    yeah, pls stay like that you three!

  • BTNband

    Dont worry Rich Evans, i share your pain about the Mass Effect 3 ending. You are not alone Rich Evans.

    • Noah Roalson

      He never was, nor will he ever be alone!

  • http://kingengrishkube.deviantart.com/ kube Duke of Anjou

    and he is always right about that…

    • Domo_Konnichiwa

      Short term memory loss does have its positives.

      • http://kingengrishkube.deviantart.com/ kube Duke of Anjou

        thats like the best super power for the modern world

  • http://kingengrishkube.deviantart.com/ kube Duke of Anjou

    best quote from the best space man; “Fuck evrything!” Chris Evans.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      Thanks for the inspiration.

      • http://kingengrishkube.deviantart.com/ kube Duke of Anjou

        this is so great!!!

      • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

        Is this the “I cant believe I got aids face”? (OMG how did I know that, I don’t believe I have a life)

      • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

        Reminds me of one of my previous works… hey Taco, you wanna start a tumblr with me where we make pictures of Avengers characters with the heads of RLM regulars? :D

        • Mitchell Taco Nash

          I was with you until you said ‘tumblr’.

          That webzone if so awful they should call it ‘dumblr’.

          I’m here all week, folks.

          • http://faddlechud.tumblr.com/ Faddlechud

            Alright, like… a MySpace then? Xanga? I don’t know what you kids do these days goddamnit get off my lawn

  • Meester Smeeth

    I have to disagree with you there. I’d say Burton has been a part of the problem for a good few years now. It’s a shame because Depp really was an interesting actor. He could have been great but somewhere along the line he started taking Marlon Brando’s advice a little too seriously. Now he only seems to go for the money – why else would he be in Jack & Jill, Pirates Of The Caribbean 5 and Alice In Wonderland 2?
    As for him only shining when directed by Tim Burton, he’s great in Blow and Terry Gilliam’s Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas. He’s wonderful in Fear & Loathing, much better than anything he’s done with Tim Burton post-Ed Wood. In fact, I’d be hard put to think of one film they’ve made together post-Ed Wood that was genuinely worthwhile and not just Arbitrary Depp Freak In Tim Burtonland.

    • Hieronymus Friedrich von Münch

      did you intentionally reference on the waterfront there when you mentioned brando or was it a coincidence?

      • Meester Smeeth

        Coincidence, though I am now tempted to edit it to, “He could have been a contender but…” but someone might be watching.

    • Cameron Vale

      His performances can greatly increase the watchability of a movie when he tries, which hasn’t happened for about ten years. I don’t think he takes roles only for money, it’s more like PotC gave him more money than he will ever need, so he’s unofficially retired and only takes roles when people beg him to. Also, I don’t understand why his performances in the PotC movies are all lumped together, he was good in the first one and immediately went to shit thereafter.

      • Meester Smeeth

        Yeah, I liked him in the first Pirates and I’ll even say, though I’ve only seen it once and that was when it first came out, I remember quite enjoying the second one.
        I don’t know, if he was unofficially retired and was only doing films he was begged to do I doubt he’d be in these, more often than not, big movies nearly every year, and if it wasn’t really about the money i think he’d take more risks than he does.

  • Coridan Kendrick Miller

    Wasn’t it established that the video repair shop is in New Jersey where Plinkett lives?

    • Percy Gryce

      No, this embodiment of Plinkettude lives in Milwaukee and the greater Waukesha area. That’s been well established for years.

      • Cameron Vale

        Didn’t Plinkett identify his location as New Jersey in the ‘Jack and Jill’ episode?

  • Kjellmand

    I’m a sucker for Spider-Man so I enjoyed it as well. I kind of just brushed everything aside as “yeah, whatever” and enjoined it. Just some great looking, fun action.
    I don’t really disagree with any of the points being raised in this review, they just didn’t bother me.
    I thought Electro’s motivation was fine though… Max Dillon was perhaps a bit too cartoony but him being a solitary man having severe self-esteem and self-worth issues, thinking he has a friend and then feels betrayed, causing him to snap worked fine for me. I liked the idea of a villain as a misunderstood guy instead of someone bent on money, power and domination.

    Harry was way too rushed and under-developed though…

  • Fuck Me I’m January

    What I was trying to say earlier but my internet was being weird:

    I don’t care what convoluted plot reason you have to come up with but can you go back to doing reviews at Mr. Plinkett’s house?? I know it sounds weird but something about that set is super comfortable. You’re in recliners instead of stools, there isn’t that harsh fluorescent lighting, the furniture is constantly being destroyed, etc. Please don’t be a youtube and change for the sake of it.

    Best,
    January

    • Thanatos2k

      Give it time. Unlike Amazing Spider Man 2, they aren’t going to just jump there. The plot will actually lead them there.

      • Fuck Me I’m January

        True true. Somehow I missed it the first time I watched this but Jay says something about the government rebuilding Plinketts house.

  • Fuck Me I’m January

    Richard Parker (at 22:40) sounds a lot like this guy

    • sepiajack

      Sawlpatine!?

  • Admiral Mildly Irritated

    I love how in TASM2, water kills electricity the same way water extinguishes fire. You’d think this would have been a problem for the electric eels. Must have been difficult evolving electricity power when your environment kills electricity.

    Also that airplane close-call thing at the end, in addition to being superfluous to what was going on in what I guess was supposed to pass for the real plot, was so freaking stupid and contrived in every conceivable way.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      At first I was thinking it was going to be cool as we got to see the effects the blackout is having on the city and it’s not just contained to the area of the main battle. I thought that a few characters from narrative were going to get a moment to shine in the darkness [bad pun], but really, the scenarios they covered were shit.

      I have a feeling that both airports and hospitals have backup generators as many lives are depending on those places operating. On top of that, there are absolutely no consequences of the power going out for Aunt May at the hospital and we aren’t even given enough time to really know what the stakes are there for her. There are probably two or three quick cuts showing her struggling at the hospital and then it’s never mentioned again. Why even bother?

      The plane situation features a bunch of strangers. Who the fuck cares? I understand Spider-Man getting the electricity back on is important, but having it so that two planes might collide in 4 minutes? Yeah, rather contrived and insignificant to the plot of the characters. No one we know is at that airport or on those planes.

      Also, the way they avoid each other is comical. Instead of one plane ascending and the other descending, which is far quicker and easier for giant planes like that as the main forces for flight are in the up/down direction, they decide to tilt and turn, which is a slower manoeuvre and risks injury of the passengers as you turn sharply then pull up, basically. On top of that, you need to clear the tilted wingspans of the two planes; planes are a lot wider than they are tall, so ascending/descending would have made far more sense as it offered a lot more roof for error and wouldn’t make my eyes hurt from rolling into the back of my head.

      It almost feels as if Gwen was supposed to be on those planes heading to England [she was heading to her flight before Electro cut the power], and perhaps they had done quite a bit of the scene up to that point, but then decided that she needed to die so then changed the script yet needed to keep the scene as they put a lot of money and time into it already, just editing out the parts with Gwen.

      tl;dr

      Fuck those scenes so hard.

  • Stardog Champion

    The day these two hack frauds(or Plinkett) review the new Star Wars film is the day of big celebrations.

    • ident

      Judging by their reaction to Star Trek, they will both like and dislike it, they will shrug, and then they will recommend it. As time passes and their misguided generosity wanes, what they liked about it will be overshadowed by what they have come to hate about it and they will periodically reference it in the same breath as Transformers and The Phantom Menace.

  • The Summer of George

    The most passionately-hated movies always make for the best Half in the Bags.

  • Pebkio Nomare

    Yeah, I watched Transcendence. Didn’t like it very much but I did like the slow and plodding story telling. We need more slow, especially in character-study stories.

    The movie had two main problems, though.

    1. Needed to focus on only one of the two themes we say through the movie. Either focus on the “can the AI acts in a beneficial way” or “is that really the man” concepts. Doing both didn’t give much time to appreciate either.

    2. Don’t do the flashforward bullshit. What the hell. That sucked. I can only surmise that it was just for pretentiousness. It especially sucked because they did have the “is he a good AI or a bad AI” thing going on and you constantly say to yourself “it doesn’t matter, it all fails anyway”. You end up turning your character study into a whodunit.

    • Pebkio Nomare

      Oh, yeah, and I hated those terrorist people. Throughout the whole movie.

  • DeColonise

    Great episode guys!

  • http://filmrunner.wordpress.com/ Film Runner

    After being disappointed in Transcendence myself I found a copy of the script which had been featured on the hollywood blacklist for a while and it does actually have a lot more action that wasn’t in the finished film, including a big climactic stand-off between Depp’s army of cyborgs, a ‘sea of nanobots’ and the military. I’m really not sure why they decided to dial the film back given that they had $100 million to make the thing which would have covered it all easily. The finished film feels like it was made for half that, part of which is down to Pfister’s inability to convey scale. The early script’s still shit, don’t get me wrong, but it had a lot more going on in it than the shooting version.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      I’m glad they showed restraint with regards to the climax, but they probably should have shown restraint in the budget as well. Some recent sci-fi films that seem to tackle narratives on a relatively similar narrative scope have been made for about $40 million or so. $100 million is ridiculous, especially for a first time director [and even more-so when you're not even going to promote the fact that Christopher Nolan is one of the producers on the film].

  • Bahareh Khosravi

    ooooh, those are the best…

  • SeekerLancer

    Not only is Roberto Orci a terrible writer but he’s kind of a douche. He crapped all over people who were critical of Star Trek: Into Darkness calling them nerds and proclaiming his script the best Star Trek movie ever made (based purely on box office numbers).

    • ident

      He’s a cunt completely unaware that his movies are successful in spite of him, not because of him. A random word generator could have written Into Darkness and it would have made the same amount of money.

      • Bort

        oh my god he actually called people nerds? what?? wow… how harsh… yah thats the like the all time put down isnt it? neeerrrdddd! yah oh oh oh my whole esteem was crushed with that one al time mighty comeback.. you dont like my movie youre..a…aa nerd! hahaha … dam thats about as prissy and immature as it gets… in other words.. cunt .. agreed

        • Mitchell Taco Nash

          It’s not the word he used, it’s the intention behind those words. He just used ‘nerd’ as a way to dismiss criticism of his film and deflect the criticism back toward the people who enjoy and love Star Trek. It’s also ironic since he’s responsible for writing scripts to classic ‘nerd’ properties, then seemingly dismisses their input.

          I won’t even get into how stupid your reply to ident is.

          • Pa Kent Says Maybe

            I think you might have misinterpreted. The aim of his sarcasm was not directed at ident; it was at Orci. He’s agreeing with ident. Perhaps clumsily, but we can’t all be 100% brilliant 100% of the time.

    • Cameron Vale

      Step aside Roddenberry, time for Orci to show you how it’s done.

    • Thanatos2k

      Marketing is the only thing that made that movie popular, not his script.

  • Robby

    I almost always hate it when TV show episodes or movies start at the end and then flash back. No matter how much drama you throw in, we all know where it’s going to end up.

  • Noah Roalson

    Oh God….

  • Noah Roalson

    http://cdn.themetapicture.com/media/funny-spiderman-crying-Toby-Maguire.jpg

    In all honesty though, I did enjoy the original trilogy of Spider-Man movies much more. I just can’t get over this picture :)

    • omitted

      Only thing amazing about Andrew Garfield’s Spiderman is dat ass

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        I signed in just to tell you how much I dislike Andrew Garfield’s butt in these films. It’s too skinny and it looks weird. Tobey has a rounder tushy and it filled out the costume better. Didn’t have those indents on the side that make it look like they’re being pinched by a giant invisible hand.

        Yes, I realize I’m talking about a male superhero’s ass in a film, butt whatever.

        • Noah Roalson

          I’m a fan of the bulge ;) It makes me feel like I’m at a 70′s rock concert! (Robert Plant I’m looking at you)

          • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

            Is it because he also has Wookie hair?

          • Noah Roalson

            I wouldn’t know ;)

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

          Umm, I just find it distracting. I dont hate it in general but for me its allways comical, ex. Shumachers Battnipples kinda thing. (I also dont know why Im commenting on this).

          • Mitchell Taco Nash

            You know something’s wrong with your film when even Boss Nass is distracted by your heroes odd looking ass.

            What’s wrong with your aaasssssss?

          • omitted

            and yet you guys can’t stop talking about it…

        • LelouchtheFilial

          The costume sort of rode up on the crotch, though.

        • Its_So_Dense

          Nobody assed for your opinion.

        • Domo_Konnichiwa
          • Mitchell Taco Nash

            Honestly, you can see the difference [Tobey's are the 3 top, Andrew's are the 5 bottom]. Not only does Tobey’s bottom fill out the costume better, butt he also has more muscle definition and his legs are thicker. Andrew has an odd bum and skinny legs. Tobey has a more well proportioned body with some curves and Andrew is just kinda flat. This is probably the most superficial shit I’ve talked about in a long time, butt it bothered me. The first Andrew image you can see what I mean about the giant-invisible-hand-bum-pinch.

            I won’t even admit what I had to go through and how long it took me to compile these pictures…

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            The only thing Andrew’s got going for him is nice broad shoulders, Tobey’s all-around muscle, but considering the current climate where action stars have to be ripped compared to early 2000s, Andrew looks like a vegan who lives for yoga and pilates. I also wonder how much the suit contributes to their asses looking good. Tobey’s design appears to gives definition by shadowing, whereas Andrew’s backside almost looks like a butt lifter because of seam placement.

  • JacobHunnter

    I’d buy that for a dollar!

  • LelouchtheFilial

    Okay, okay, so we know that there’ll never be an original movie again. I’m cool with that.
    But since JJ Abrams will be busy directing the “Spacy Mutiny” (or whatever) movies for the next two decades or so, how about we let Mr. Len Kabasinski take the helm of the Star Trek movies?
    “Len’s Flares.”
    I like it.

    • Noah Roalson

      Get back to your studying young man ;)

    • TJ

      You know a pun is good when it makes you scream “God fucking dammit”

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      Isn’t it past your bedtime?

      • LelouchtheFilial

        The Care Boars keep me up.
        It as though, whenever my eyes close, theirs open.

  • Uncle Sporkums

    D’you guys think Jim Cameron’s version of Electro would’ve been any better had his Spidey movie been made?

    • http://www.plasticpals.com/ Robotbling

      I can’t see it being any worse. The guy directed two of the best sequels of all time, Aliens and T2. I’m pretty sure he could make a sick Spider-Man if he really wanted to.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      Yes, absolutely. Even the special effects would have been groundbreaking instead of just marginally acceptable. He’s constantly pushing the limits of special effects and technology for movie making. Arguing about whether or not his recent films are good or not is debatable, though, as that’s more subjective, but him having pushed the boundaries of what is possible to do in a film is objectively true as is usually amazing.

      From the T-800 in The Terminator, to the water noodle [not sure how else to describe it] in The Abyss, to the liquid metal robot T-1000 in Terminator 2, to bringing the ship back to life and re-sinking it in Titanic, and then finally somehow making a film about 10 foot tall blue alien humanoid things into the highest grossing film of all time the nearly photo-realistic CGI world of Avatar that was mostly able to break past the uncanny valley, it’s undeniable that he puts a lot of time and effort into his craft and I doubt he’d make Electro look nearly as stupid as they did in TASM2.

      I’d even argue that his character would have a clear motivation and you would be able to actually sympathize with him as a villain, much like he was able to make the audience care for a robot in Terminator 2. He’s also very good with action, having sequences that have a nice flow, rhythm, and

    • Pa Kent Says Maybe

      No. James Cameron doesn’t even get credit from me for ALIENS anymore.

      • Uncle Sporkums

        Agreed.

  • TJ

    This might just be fanboy conspiracy theory bullshit, but Mike talks about The Matrix when referring to technology taking over. He could have mentioned a lot of different films, and perhaps more modern/relevant ones, but he specifically chose this one.

    The next Plinkett review is obviously Lenny the Wonder Dog

    • Percy Gryce

      TJ, from your keyboard to Richevans’s ear. I think the entire Wachowski Bros. oeuvre is ripe for the Plinketting. Bound and The Matrix were so good and the rest of their movies have been so disappointing. I mean, they raped my childhood with their weird Speed Racer–I was a Speed Racer fan before I ever heard of Jorge Lucas. So have at ‘em, boys.

      • Orion Burns

        And in my opinion, Speed Racer is the greatest blockbuster of the 21st Century so far.

        To quote Film Crit Hulk, it is “a movie that races on air”. Seriously though, it’s the only truly great film the Wachowski Starship has ever made.

        • Memoman

          Agreed Speed Racer is an excellent movie. It’s such a spectacle and a technical marvel. The final scene is gripping and always has me rooting for the good guy’s moral and racing triumph. All the main actors are great in their roles, the plot is simple and enthralling, it also moves along cleverly without bogging down. It’s one of my favorite spectacle movies. It was unfairly pelleted by the media when it came out so it never stood a chance in front of regular audiences, but a movie it’s hard to fault it for what it is: A fun, earnest, cartoon come to life.

          • Orion Burns

            Funnily enough, during that final scene, I always find my self not only crying, but actually pulling a Leopold Stokowski as I pretend to conduct Michael Giacchino’s music with my hands.

        • Memoman

          Also, Brazil is fucking fantastic! One of those movies that cruises on a higher level elevating the whole genre of film all by itself.

          Just for a brief second, carefully, compare in your brain the passion, intelligence, design, message and motivation of Brazil with The Amazing Spider Man 2. More than one second of dwelling in such a comparison and your brain might kill itself. Justifiably, too.

          • Orion Burns

            So, which do you prefer for the end credits of Brazil, staying on the image of the driven insane Sam Lowry, or said image slowly fading to the clouds from the opening?

          • Memoman

            Oh man, what a bleak, bleak ending. So fitting with a joyless asshole like myself. I was smiling when our happy couple rode lovingly into the hills. But the pessimist that I am was nagging from within, such joy after such turmoil was itchy and iffy to my soul. Thankfully the final shot comforted my fundamental malaise, appeased the perpetual, uncertain unease in my brain.

          • Orion Burns

            You didn’t answer my question. Also, Terry Gilliam considers that the happy ending. Or, at least, the happiest possible ending in that scenario.

            Sam Lowry won. Not physically, but morally. Winston Smith was weak, so he couldn’t even manage the latter.

          • Memoman

            I have a penchant to dwell in the darkness. So the final scene, insane, bound and hopeless, literally in a pit of despair feels warm and cozy to me. I assume, much in the same way that makes Terry Gilliam say that that is “the happiest possible ending in that scenario”, which is not to say that it is happy per se.

          • Orion Burns

            It’s practically fairy-tale, considering the setting. Perspective!

            Also, considering your philosophy, I’m surprised you love Speed Racer. It seems like the type of movie that guys like you would hate.

          • Memoman

            Well in the end my pessimism stems from man made structures and society. How it encourages and rewards superficiality, deceiving, greed, betraying and lying. How nations thrive promoting war, nationalism, tribalism, and ethnocentrism.

            Once in a while a movie comes where the hero is above that, and strives for what is right, to be fair. For universal values of honesty, camaraderie, equality. And in a world of deadly competition to gut your rival, your brother, its rather touching and moving to see such dedication to justice, to stand against an unrelenting gust of callowness and cannibalism. The essence of courage thriving for freedom and fairness. That gets me deep. And when its done well, in a movie or song, or painting or poem, when its done with heart and brains, I’m moved deep down to my soul.

            Speed Racer touches those themes, and it does it in a very fun, exciting way. It’s a great movie!

        • Percy Gryce

          Speed Racer (2008) was so weird and boring, I gave up after about 20 minutes.

          Before you say anything, I was watching the original Speed Racer before you were born.

          • Orion Burns

            I watched it too. That movie you hated without even giving it a real chance is probably the best possible movie you could get out of Speed Racer, just like how Raimi’s Spider-Man 2 is apparently the best possible movie you could get from the Spider-Man comics.

          • Percy Gryce

            That’s like saying that the Star Wars prequels were the best possible movies you could get out of Jorge Lucas’s fat head. If that’s the case, then the movie probably shouldn’t have been made.

            Also how do you consider a box-office bomb like Speed Racer a “blockbuster”?

          • Orion Burns

            I’m talking about budget, not box office success.

            I’m personally glad that the Speed Racer movie got made. It did for me as an adult what the original Star Wars did for me as a child.

            Dismissing Speed Racer, for me, is like dismissing the original Star Wars. I can’t do it.

          • Percy Gryce

            All right, well, I’m open-minded enough to give it a second chance at some point. It’s just that after John Carter, based on books that meant a HUGE amount to me as a youngster, I can’t take the further battering of my childhood favorites.

            Here’s the John Carter trailer. If only the movie had lived up to this:

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8xblwyKtfo

          • Orion Burns

            See, Andrew Stanton didn’t trust the material when he made the John Carter movie, to the point where he gave John Carter himself a pointless, convoluted backstory and forced the Therns into the already convoluted narrative of A Princess Of Mars.

            Instead of streamlining it, he made it bloated.

            The Wachowski Starship, meanwhile, actually trusted the material enough to streamline it, making it all about Family v. Business (the overarching theme of the cartoon, anyway), while discarding anything that didn’t directly tie into that theme. It’s sort of like what Peter Jackson did with the Lord of the Rings movies, and what he then failed to do with the Hobbit movies.

          • Percy Gryce

            I take your point. Before the movie came out, I actually talked to Michael Chabon, who co-wrote John Carter, and, after I waxed nostalgic about ERB’s Barsoomian Tales, he said that he had reread them as prep for his writing and found that “they don’t hold up.” That may be, but it was, I should have seen, a bad sign.

          • Pa Kent Says Maybe

            Shame, too. Because Chabon can write.

            Maybe he should stick to novels. You know, sometimes you just gotta settle for art instead of the million-bucks paycheck.

          • Now I Get It

            This title from someone I follow…in case you missed it:

            http://jabootu.net/?p=10789#comment-1397623999

          • Percy Gryce

            Thank you, sir, you’re a prince. I’ve ordered the book. It will be interesting to see how far back the author goes, i.e., there is a long back story of the many attempts to make that movie. I like his optimism that a really good John Carter movies is still possible.

          • Pa Kent Says Maybe

            See? This is exactly what I say about the Noloyder Conspiracy that effed up Batman and Superman. They never trusted the material.

            The Bat-Suit is silly. Body armor!
            Naive principles of heroism are out! Snap a fucking neck!

          • Mitchell Taco Nash

            I heard they tried making a feature length movie based on this trailer but it failed to live up to expectations. ;)

            Also, it cost Disney somewhere in the hundred million dollar range after it underwhelmed terribly at the box office. I’d call it a flop but it did make $284.1 million worldwide, it’s just the budget was too fucking huge at $250 million for the production and I’d say $100 million plus for advertising.

            Stony did something similar when trying to base a film on this short teaser trailer for Spider-Man 3. While they were far more successful financially, I’d say that this film was my biggest cinematic disappointment yet [as a teenager when this was coming out, I had put a lot of time and energy into many aspects of this film only to get royally burned].

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Zkz7NU6f4I

          • Mitchell Taco Nash

            Blockbuster =/= large budget.

            Blockbuster is specifically referring to the number of people who rush out to see a film in theatres, where the sheer number of people waiting outside the theatre to see the film can ‘bust the block’. It’s nearly synonymous with a high grossing film, like Star Wars, E.T., Titanic, or Avatar [for recent examples in the past 4 decades], and not at all related to the budget of a film.

            I doubt many would say R.I.P.D. was a blockbuster because it cost $130 million. That film only made $78.3 million worldwide and cost Universal quite a bit of money, which is similar to the damage done by Speed Racer [$120 million budget but only grossed $93.9 million worldwide].

            That said, the racing scenes in Speed Racer are a guilty pleasure for me as I really enjoyed the pacing, unique visuals, and the dynamic of the action. Everything else in the film basically just got in the way of those racing scenes and were silly beyond reason, but that moment when Speed stalled and got back into the race at the end gave me goosebumps.

          • Pa Kent Says Maybe

            Correct.

            But, there has developed, over the decades since the original blockbusters (THE PLANET OF THE APES, THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, THE EXORCIST, JAWS, STAR WARS), what’s known as “Blockbuster Mentality,” and that is where things like R.I.P.D. (or AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #) come from. I’d argue SPEED RACER comes from that very same place

            There are no longer any real blockbusters. There is simply blockbuster-style marketing. And, a population of sheeple who all want to “share” the next, um, “big” thing so they can think of themselves as contemporary.

          • fuckstick

            I was being bored by the original Speed Racer since I was born.

          • Percy Gryce

            All right, I’ll admit it. I bought the deluxe DVD set of the original Speed Racer and found–despite its being one of my childhood favorites–it did nothing for me. It’s a little bit like Magnum P.I. Loved that show. Always hoped that they would make a feature film (Tom Clancy expressed interest in writing it). But I caught an episode recently on one of those godforsaken upper-cable channels that do nothing but run reruns from the ’70s and ’80s, and it was so slow and boring that I couldn’t stand it.

          • Cameron Vale

            I like the cartoon a lot, and neither like nor hate the movie, but I will say that it’s profoundly unimaginative. The style is like a hybrid of live-action and animation, but in this cop-out way where neither aspect is strongly directed, and the plot is so generic that I can’t even imagine how it could be made more so.

      • Orion Burns

        Speed Racer is the Raimi Spider-Man 2 of movies based on anime.

    • OzymandiasAeonis

      They also take a moment to dump all over Mass Effect 3 complete with Mike saying one of Plinkett’s favorite lines.

      Game Station 3.0

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

      Lenny the Wonder Dog? Ohno, the german Arnold dog and misc crappy voice acting movie. I thought hollywood murdered all people that had knowlage of its existence!

      • Noah Roalson

        Boss Nass, you slimy bastard! Nobody wants you here, even a Wookiee ;)

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

          Whaaat! You dirty ape. Someone should give you a shave and flush you down the planet core.

  • panzi

    What does “just a copy” mean anyway? I mean, after a couple of years every atom in your body is exchanged (maybe except some of the bones?). So in a way you are only a (lossy) copy of “yourself”. The question is not if something/someone is a copy, the question is if he/she/it is a sentient being. But before that we need a good definition of “sentient”, because I never heard one.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      I’ll go one step further and say ‘sapient’, which I feel is something only humans have gained in the animal kingdom [and when I say 'feel', I'm almost certain it's a verified fact, but I'm too lazy to go back and try to find everything I've read on the matter... for now, anyway].

  • panzi

    We use 100% of our brains, but not at the same time. Different parts of the brain do different things. Using all at once seems not right, it probably *is* something like epilepsy.

  • panzi

    Mass Effect 3 wasn’t the most poorly received video game ever. But it might have had the most poorly received video game ending ever.

    • Patrick

      That’s what they said.

  • panzi

    I haven’t seen Transcendence, but when talking about slow paced scifi movies: Have you seen Solaris? The original movie, not the George Clooney version.

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

      No, I havent. Any good? For me when I looked it up, it seemed to much of a “sixties movie” not scifi. Ex. Intense orchestrall music, ,typical 60:s emotional expressions, cryptic scenes mixed with early attempts of “mysterious scifi spacepowers”. Though I love slow-scifi, Leaves more time to get engaged in the plot/message wich usually asks a deep human question. That I really miss in scifi!

      • panzi

        I haven’t finished it because I didn’t expect it going on for THAT long and I had to catch a train (the last train home – it was an open air screening). It has the asking deep human (or inter species) questions down. But yes, it is “russian phantastic” (is that the correct translation? it’s “Russische Phantastik” in German) and not what most people understand of science fiction (Star Trek/-Wars/-gate). What I saw was certainly interesting, if you can handle the ultimate slow-ness, but I can’t give a final conclusion, because I haven’t finished it.

        • Culture Vulture

          Ah you must finish it. Solaris is one of my favorite movies. Slow moving sci-fi is the very best sci-fi and Solaris does a great job building up the suspense and the atmosphere inherent in the situation. I think that it’s slowness and length have something to do with Russian culture. Many of their films (and novels) are slow and lengthy but give you time to really ruminate on the philosophical problems inherent in their work. Just wait until you finish it. It will blow your mind. Solaris is definitely one of the best movies to come from the Soviet Union (closely followed by S.T.A.L.K.E.R and Idi i Smotri [Come and See]).

          • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

            OK, I guess I give it a shot aswell. Yea I agree with your point about Russians. They really have a deep culture of poets, writers, thinkers and composers. Atleast historywise. Problably got reflected at cinema aswell.

          • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

            Problably? …. I meant obviously. *drunk*

          • Culture Vulture

            I definitely believe that their culture is reflected in their cinema. I lived in Russia for two years. Before that I was interested in their cinema, literature and music, but when I came back I rewatched a lot of their films and gained such a greater appreciation for them. Knowing the culture definitely helps understand the art, and vice versa.

          • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

            Oh, cool. May I ask where you lived? And when?

          • Culture Vulture

            So I bounced around a lot. Saw a lot of the country. I lived in Nizhniy Novgorod, Smolensk, Moscow and Ryazan and also got to see Yaroslavl, Tver’ and Tula. I lived there from 2011-2013.

          • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

            Cool.

          • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

            I guess you’ve seen “Come and See” by the way? I don’t really know if I want to see it. Ive seen parts of it and it just seems so disturbingly real. The kind of movie that gets to you.

          • Culture Vulture

            Yeah it was very very unsettling. One of the more unsettling movies I have ever seen. Not for the faint of heart. But it is well filmed and sticks with you, for better or for worse.

          • panzi

            “It will blow your mind.”

            Well, I know what it’s about. :)

            I read Roadside Picnic (the novel the film Stalker is loosely based on). It was interesting but I couldn’t stand the main character.

          • Culture Vulture

            I’ve always wanted to read Roadside Picnic. It’s on my list.

            Maybe I shouldn’t have been as hyperbolic. I think even if you know about the ending, the execution of the scenes is just awesome.

        • Sulfur12

          Just read the fucking book. Author hated the movie. Both of them. If he was not closed in communist block for his life, he would fucking rape Asimov, Heinlein, Dick and other poor shlobs before breakfast. Before he started writing SF he was writing philosophical books about technology. In fucking 50′s he said everything what current fucktards from silicion valley are pondering, then he slammed it into feces and proclaimed its bullshit. 80 years ahead of his time-minimum.

          • panzi

            Your choice of words make me doubt anything you are saying.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      I’ve seen the George Clooney version and enjoyed it. How different is the original?

      Also, I wonder if Solaris takes place [spoiler] after Clooney floats away midway through Gravity?

      • panzi

        From what I’ve read about the Clooney version they have utterly missed the point.

      • Culture Vulture

        I actually don’t mind the George Clooney version as well. I think that when watching both Solaris movies, it is better to look at the 2002 version as an adaptation of the Stanislaw Lem story and not a remake of the Soviet film. From what I read this was the intention of the film makers as well.

        That being said, I think that the Soviet version does a better job building suspense and atmosphere. It also is better able to convey the theme of the source material. I like the 2002 version because it does streamline the story a little more (it cuts down the outstandingly long conversation scenes in the Soviet version) which is nice. They are just two different films. It is hard to compare them.

  • Dswynne

    I proud to say that I have never seen the Spider-Man films.

    • Fuck Me I’m January

      Being a cinephile means you watch everything, good or bad

      • Memoman

        How does that absolute statement apply in the age of “voting with your wallet”? When all that will stop a studio from making shit movies, is not embarrassment or shame but bottom line box office numbers?

        It’s a different ball game and your voice is only heard through your actions. I went to see Man Of Steel at a movie theater. I still feel ashamed of having supported that movie with my money, of having sent the wrong message. I won’t make that mistake again.

        Being a cinephile, with time, also gives you some sort of sixth sense about movies, you can smell which ones are soulless money grabbing, assembly line cons, and which ones are earnest attempts to convey a message or tell a story. So it’s a bit more complicated than watching everything.

        Also, watching everything is impossible. There’s no time or money to give every movie a fair shot, some you have to discard based on your gut. TASM franchise reeks of corporate meddling and hackery. Passing on those turds is a sign of proper, smart discretion to me.

        • Fuck Me I’m January

          Good point but mine was that you don’t not watch bc you think you won’t enjoy it.

          • Memoman

            Well, sometimes you follow your gut and end up dining a steaming pile of shit. Or sometimes you enjoy something that isn’t “good” in the rather general sense.

            The thing is, you shouldn’t feel obliged to watch everything, good or bad to call yourself a cinephile. My point is that the love for movies comes from different a place for each one of us.

            I hate the TASM franchise for what it means to movies as art. But some might love it for it means for spectacle. I’m not judging them for that. (Actually I am. I’m callow like that.)

          • Pa Kent Says Maybe

            If that was your point, then you should have said something that meant that apparently.

            Sorry. Done being a dick now. i just hate when people use words they don’t know the meanings of or insist language means something it doesn’t. After all, that’s where Neo-Conservative Republicanism comes from.

        • Mitchell Taco Nash

          “gives you some sort of sixth sense about movies”

          Did you know that we [humans] have more than just 5 senses? Even the traditional 5 senses that we identify, sight, hearing, touch, taste, and smell, can sometimes be broken down into more distinct senses.

          Our balance/equilibrium, kinesthetic, temperature, pain, etc. senses aren’t included in those 5 traditional senses even though they can have their own organs, receptors, and areas of the brain dedicated for them.

          Just figured I’d let you and others know, mostly so you can laugh next time you watch The Sixth Sense. “Wow… he can balance!”

          http://076dd0a50e0c1255009e-bd4b8aabaca29897bc751dfaf75b290c.r40.cf1.rackcdn.com/images/files/000/006/085/original/original.0

          • Memoman

            It’s just a figure of speech, professor Nash. Just a figure of speech.

      • Bort

        is that a cinephile or a cineaholic

        • omitted

          I’m a cinephobe

      • Pa Kent Says Maybe

        No. That’s what being a “movie fanboy” means.

        Being a “cinephile” means you’re devoted to film and you’ve studied it, almost obsessively. Which would of course lead to some development on your part of discernment, of personal taste. Once you can claim cinephelia, you most definitely have your own sense of good and bad, and you actively would try to avoid the bad.

        There isn’t a fucking cinephile in the solar system that watches superhero movies.

  • JWM

    I am watching Rich Evans’ rant at the end of the video over and over.
    Please add “Now the world will know my wrath!” to the HITB sound board!

    • Memoman

      That villainous soliloquy is the greatest acting thespian Evans has ever done! The inflection on “wrath”, “fuck a horse”, it’s Oscar worthy!

      Space Cop is going to trump even Cop Dog! Even Cop Out!

      • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

        If we send Rich to Hollywood will movie magic come back again?

        • Memoman

          And risk tarnishing our pristine pearl? I’m not a brave enough man to risk the corruption of Rich Evans at the hands of absolute evil.

          • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

            Your right. Our precious pearl must remain pure. What was I on…..

  • Charles Cohen

    The Audio sounds weird when they start review sometimes, there are some echoes from the Jay and Rich

    • Domo_Konnichiwa

      As long as the beer clinking at the beginning is unaffected, I’m fine with any sound issues.

  • Bort

    who was the director of transecendence willy fister? oh i read that wrong..

  • Patrick

    They really shouldn’t clump Mark Webb with directors like Michael Bay or Bret Ratner. He’s actually very talented and creative, he just happens to be tied down to a franchise that’s completely run by a studio that hires jobbing screenwriters responsible for tripe. , The direction of the action is fairly unique, he’s got a knack for getting good performances out of his actors (with some exceptions), and the way he inter-cuts music with the story being told in TASM2 amazed me. He’s actually leaving after this movie, and I’m certain a big part of it is the same thing that divided Sony and Sam Raimi: creative control over the story being told. The studio keeps making changes to the script while they are in the process of filming, and I can’t even imagine how frustrating that must be.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      Yeah, I felt it was unfair that they lumped him in with those other turds.

      If you’ve watched the trailer closely and/or you’ve followed the production of both TASM and TASM2, you’ll know that full scenes and sometimes full characters were cut from the final film at some point in the production. I feel like huge chunks of Peter’s parents were cut from TASM in order to put them into TASM2, making they advertisements of ‘the unknown story’ seem rather odd. It then makes it odd that they shoehorned the rest of the story into this one as it felt almost like an afterthought and doesn’t really have much bearing on the rest of the film. Mary Jane was also cut from TASM2 after her parts were filmed [Shailene Woodley, who is now part of those Divergent films]. We see a scene with Harry after he becomes the Green Goblin [or whoever the fuck he's become] in the trailer where he’s on his glider and facing his assistant Felicia through some damaged Oscorp glass, but it’s not in the final film. There are probably many more instances, but you get the picture.

      So, yeah, I agree. The studio meddling ruined Spider-Man 3 and I feel they’re going to ruin these Spidey films as well. I feel bad for Raimi and Webb who has to put up with Stony breathing down their neck. I mentioned before on here that it’s typically good when your film has a singular, cohesive vision and doesn’t feel like a film made by committee. Spider-Man 3, TASM2, and to a lesser degree TASM all felt like films made by committee and Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2 felt like they were handled with care by a director with a singular vision.

      • Connor

        I suspect there may have been an actual plot had the studio not cut half of what he filmed.

      • CyborgUnicorn

        Isn’t it just a little bit ironic that people were worried about overexposure due to trailers and advertisements, and then when in the theater they were shown something different, and still got angry because the scenes aren’t what they expected?

      • Pa Kent Says Maybe

        So. What you’re saying is we should feel sorry for Mark Webb because he’s a pussy who can’t stand up to the suits with an authentic, original artistic vision, which he may or may not have but he can technically “direct” because that’s on his resumé and he makes scenes that remind us of the first time we kissed a girl?

        Mark Webb gotta eat?

    • Cameron Vale

      I always assumed that Webb was chosen because the producers had a specific direction they wanted to take the series and they needed someone who wouldn’t get in their way. That seems like the best reason to hire a director of music videos and indie films for your superhero movie; see also Michel Gondry as director of The Green Hornet.

      • Alex Lee

        Also, his name is Mark Webb so it’s like poetry, I guess.

    • Bort

      mark webb has definitely got talent, some of his visuals, are fucking amazing.. lets be fair.. spidey jumpin around is pretty dam genius.. and THAT is a dam shame really, when as you said… the studio is telling him what to do.. i agree it does feel that way.. it just feels the problem is script – based.. all the visuals in the world cant make up for a shit script.. and RLM said that too.. the movie is so much better without the dialogue.. if ya have it on mute it looks pretty cool in spots.. SONY are the problem they are dictating the rules when they dont know what theyre doing.. it feels like they just wanna make cool lookin video game like footage. they are bank rolling it… but the decision to hire HACKS to write the screenplay was a major mistake.. surely we have good writers in the world.. imagine if the writers were as good as mark webb at capturing cool footage.. it could have been a good movie… the cast are oscar winners.. the footage is amazing.. but the story blew harder than an industrial vaccum cleaner

  • Johnny Depp

    I though you say you like Cowboy and Alien.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Bullshit like this makes me angry and I’m not sure where to rant about it, but since it’s somewhat relevant I’ll say it here. Apparently Shailene Woodley, who was cut as Mary Jane in The Amazin Taco Amazing Spider-Man 2, eats clay.

    Yep, fucking clay. She went on David Red LetterMediaman and mentioned it, saying it helps “your body excrete those materials that aren’t necessarily the best for you”. Ugh. I guess the dude who started this ‘fad’ [which I've only just heard of] states that it does a “full-body detoxification”.

    • Uncle Sporkums

      Oh, she’s one of those… LOL, Amazin Taco.

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        I also heard that if she tilts her head at a certain angle against the wind you can hear a whistling sound going through hear ears as air passes through the area which her brain should occupy.

        • Uncle Sporkums

          “Would you like me to wrap that Play-Doh for you, Miss Woodley?”

          “Oh, no thanks! I’ll eat it here!”

          “Security!”

    • Bort

      …and the number 1 reason not to watch the amazing spiderman… drum roll…”it helps your body excrete those materials that aren’t necessarily the best for you…” play me off paul….

    • catnep

      Eating clay has been around for ages. Not a fad!

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medicinal_clay

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        It’s worse than I imagined…

        Quick! To the Batcave!

        http://images.rapgenius.com/c6b46da26e0a15515529d689deb01c34.400x300x70.gif

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

          Why is Batmans pole thicker?

          • Mitchell Taco Nash

            Why wouldn’t Batman’s pole be thicker?

          • Pa Kent Says Maybe

            Another reason for the fucking sidekicks to pout.

            “Aw, he never lets me drive the Batmobile.”
            “Aw, he won’t let me have a gun.”
            “Aw, he makes me wear pixie boots.”
            “Aw, there’s a girl in the Bat-Cave.”

    • Domo_Konnichiwa

      Give it time, she’ll reach Alicia Silverstone/Gwyneth Paltrow levels of healthy.

    • My ex wife

      Why don’t we put her in charge…

      “and it apparently provides a negative charge, so it bonds to negative isotopes.”

      Those fucking negative isotopes always messing with me, were can i buy Shailene Woodley approved clay?

    • Joe Syxpac

      “helps your body excrete those materials that aren’t necessarily the best for you”

      You mean materials like clay?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash
  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    So, after watching this by myself in a library late at night, I decided I’d share the Spider-Man portion of this episode with the ‘female friend’ that I saw it with [yes, I've got a case of the not-gays and I haven't found a cure yet] as both her and I felt the film sucked.

    She really enjoyed it, saying the RLM crew were really funny. The best part, however, was how much she enjoyed RichEvans laughter. She laughed so hard that she cried and I had to pause the video because she needed to catch her breath and couldn’t really see because her eyes watered up so much.

    I can’t really describe the overwhelming sense of happiness I felt from that moment, but it was good, I tells ya! I had to come here it with you fellow hack frauds.

    Thank you, RichEvans, thy heavenly father, for bringing such happiness and joy into thy life.

    Amans.

    • Stardog Champion

      His laughter cures depression.

    • Connor

      I dunno man, you sound kinda gay

    • catnep

      She sounds like a keeper, Taco. Assuming she’s there of her own free will and hasn’t been “Plinketted” into submission.

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        Just because she’s constantly chained and I forcefully take her everywhere I go whilst she’s sedated doesn’t mean she wouldn’t do so of her own free will!

        • catnep

          Yes, yes, yes. Consenting adults!

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RnrCki4Cmzw

          • Mitchell Taco Nash

            Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘pussy whipped’.

          • Alex Lee

            The cat makes a better owner than some humans.

          • catnep

            Tru dat. At least the cat is gentle with him!

          • Now I Get It

            Lowest rung of the sex trade I’ve ever seen. But that staircase was gorgeous, so, at least they got to see Paris or Zagreb or Berlin or wherever it is Euros go for the final countdown..

            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3ZOKDmorj0

          • catnep

            Low rung just got a little lower!

            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjeMDvCdrtc

          • Now I Get It

            At least their roadie came out at 1:13, as if it was that one amp that was the problem. Take note all you girlfriends: it’s called support!

          • catnep

            Haha! I think that roadie moonlights as their dad. They won’t get girlfriends until they play bigger venues. (ask Coldplay)

    • LukeMM95

      Just get married already!

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

      The magic laugh. Soothing for women everywhere.

      • Domo_Konnichiwa

        No doubt.

    • WrongWithYourFace

      Did you get thrown out of the li-berry?

    • Striker, Ted

      Show her the Resident Evil episode aka Rich Evans laugh ground zero.

      • Booger

        Try episode fucking 2 you hack.

        • Striker, Ted

          I’ll check it out tomorrow when I hit the li-berry.

          • Booger

            Ep 2 is also kinda BotW ground zero.

          • Striker, Ted

            The Resident Evil Half in the Baaaaaag, is when he lost control of the Rich Evans laugh, like Akira, and nearly destroyed Mike and Jay.

            I think we can both agree, however, that Mike is a fat homo and needs to do another Plinkett review already.

          • Booger

            Agreed, however in ep. 2 they deliberately show clips of Rich laughing at Galaxy Invader in order to share it with the world for the first time.

    • WrongWithYourFace

      Really though, I know what you mean. Unfortunately I’ve so far only managed to convert my brother to Evansism.

      • Domo_Konnichiwa

        I’ve tried so many times to get friends into the RLM universe, and I just don’t have any luck. I’ve watched so many of their damn cat and “Baby’s First” videos, you’d think they could watch one freaking Avatar review. They groan at the thought of a 10 minute video and don’t make it past the first 30 seconds.

        • Mitchell Taco Nash

          Have you tried chaining them up? Works wonders for me.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            What I really need to do is keep their eyes open Clockwork style, but I’m just too lazy for that.

            Also, if you ever need friendly advice about what to do with your “lady friend”, the sweet people here at RLM can help! How to poison her food, dispose of bodies, cover up the smell, what flowers to get for her funeral – we can provide suggestions galore! Don’t be shy about asking!

        • Pa Kent Says Maybe

          Get new friends.

        • My ex wife

          I solved this problem by having no friends.

        • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

          They are tech addicts and need to get help. I bet they don’t even listen to you when you are talking.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            The sad thing is that’s oftentimes true. Was at a restaurant with 5 others, everyone was staring at their phones after dinner was done. I sent a group text asking what they wanted for dessert, hoping they’d get the hint, but nope! Everyone sent a text back telling me what they wanted, as if I was going to order for them.

          • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

            You gotta be kidding? How RUDE! Guess they weren’t taught any manners?

          • Mitchell Taco Nash

            How old are your friends, if you don’t mind me asking?

            I’m kind of curious about what age groups would do this. I’ve a few friends who are on their phones too much when I and others are trying to socialize with them in real life.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            This particular group was mid 20s, all female. It’s the worst in restaurant situations, because girls of course do the buddy system for bathroom visits, and they’ll all be in their stalls checking facebook while I’m freshened up and out the door before they even realize they were there to pee.

            The worst was a co-worker who could text without the need to see her keypad, and I learned really quick that she does this while driving. She wouldn’t stop, either, when I said it freaked me out. Told her to pull over, got out and called my husband to take me home, and I was mocked for months afterwards by other co-workers for being the crazy one.

            I really wish my parents didn’t raise me to be respectful of other people’s needs. It’s so much easier to be a thoughtless bitch who gives not one fuck about other people.

    • omitted

      “case of the not-gays”

      Tell that to Tobey Maquire’s round tushy!

      “I had to come here it with you fellow hack frauds”

      Why you never share these things with us?!

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        Well, I’m mostly not gay, butt when it comes to Tobey Maquire’s ass, my Spider Senses tingle. *Everybody groans.*

        Also, shit, you pointed out my error. Fixed. I’ve been having far too many fork in the brain moments in my comments. I thonk its time to taek my brian medasin.

        oh fuk thet was rat poisin!!!1

        • omitted

          No worries, mate. Remember what RLM has taught us (if anything): It’s all about quantity, not quality

  • Poopfeast420

    WHY THE TRANSCENDENCE POSTER LOOK LIKE A DICK IN JAPANESE PORN

    • Poopfeast420

      SORRY CAPS

    • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

      I don’t know. Maybe because most Japanese are porn acts?

  • http://kingengrishkube.deviantart.com/ kube Duke of Anjou

    822 comments since wednesday.. 2 more days and it will be definitely out of control and unloadable for good.. we have a Rich Evansforming situation here with a massive care boars invasion.. shall we try to stop it by sending a syphilitic hooker or all is just gonna be great?…

    • Domo_Konnichiwa

      It’s gonna be great.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    After watching this episode where they show the trailer for The Amazing Spider-Man 2, I can’t seem to remember Harry telling Peter that Oscorp was running surveillance on him and his family. The scene where they state this in the trailer is just him asking for Spider-Man’s blood in the film after showing him a brief video of Peter’s father with his father.

    Did they change the film between making the trailer and putting out the final film? How many different versions of scenes did they do just so they could later cut out and re-edit whole plot webs threads? I mean, that’s a pretty big reveal and it’s not just a simple omission from the film. This film honestly feels like Rich Evans scenario where the intern trips with the scripts in hand and reassembles them all.

    As I stated in comments on here before, it seemed these fucking films [the two most recent ones] get so shuffled around during production it’s no wonder they seem disjointed and convoluted when the final product comes out.

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

      What, awno. Its that bad(stupid)? I actually got my hopes up and changed my mind on on secuels since C A Winter Soldier and Thor whaterverhammer . Why does anyone even want their names in the credits?

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        Even Rich Evans isn’t putting Space Cop on his resume. *Slide whistle.*

        • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

          Looks like Space Cop was taken down by a cat!

    • AnalogyShark

      Nope, that scene didn’t make it to the theatrical release, despite still being in the final trailer. If you go all the way back to the first trailer, you also get dialogue between Harry and Norman; Harry: “What about Peter?” Norman: “Not everyone gets a happy ending.”

      I’m pretty sure in an older draft of the script, Oscorp was very aware that Peter was Spiderman. The fact that whole subplot was omitted to me shows how heavy the revisions were, very late in the production cycle (after all the principle footage had been shot)

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        I’m going to make an assumption and say that Norman Osborn is still alive even though we think he died. Prometheus and, more recently, Captain America: The Winter Soldier both did this. I mean, they got Chris Cooper just so he could be in a few videos for Harry to find and have him on his deathbed? Fat chance [unless, well, they make more revisions to these films].

        As times goes by, it’s going to get more and more difficult to make audiences believe that Oscorp and many people within Oscorp [hell, even Auny May] don’t know who Spider-Man is with all this evidence pointing directly to him, especially now that Harry knows he’s Spider-Man.

        Also, how many times was Peter going to just casually talk and hang out with Gwen as Spider-Man?

        • AnalogyShark

          I think they also weren’t sure if they would be able to get those actors back for the next movie. If you notice, the three biggest name actors (Jamie Foxx, Emma Stone and Chris Cooper) are the only three main characters who are presumed dead at the end of the movie.

          • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

            That’s fine with me. Kill off all the characters played by expensive actors and actresses. They can start by killing with Aunt May in the next movie.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Ahh, yes, that’s a better explanation for that scene and probably what they were intending. Thanks. :)

    When Harry swept up Gwen, I was wondering why Peter didn’t just web Harry’s glider right away. We see him try later when Harry is high above him, but initially Harry and Peter are rather close on the ground.

    That’s a rather minor nitpick, though. I think at this point I’m just angry that I wasted $11.50 on this turd. I’m glad I didn’t see it in 3D, though.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    To anyone who’s throwing their money at these hack frauds: how are the HiTB outtakes they’re supposed to have on their Patreon page?

    • Jason Ross

      black horse ninja dick

      • Pa Kent Says Maybe

        dick ninja black horse

        • WrongWithYourFace

          dick black ninja horse

    • Domo_Konnichiwa

      black ninja horse dick

    • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

      Are they really doing that? THAT’S A BRILLIANT GIMMICK! :)

      • WrongWithYourFace

        That’s right, Tree Rock! They will also have a bunch of production photos and project updates on Space Cop, as well as other really cool stuff! Coming real soon! Sign up to be a Patreon today!

        I would like to give a shoutout to my sponsor, RedLetterMedia, for making this post possible!

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

          It will be a whole new scam!

  • Aaron Dunn

    I’m so glad I never saw Spider-Man, just hope Godzilla turns out decent. Although seeing these guys rip into it would be funny.

    • Noah Roalson

      That’s what I was thinking :)

    • Domo_Konnichiwa

      I want them to do a Mary-Kate/Ashley theme with Godzilla since their sister is in it.

      • Pa Kent Says Maybe

        Mike, Jay, and Rich have a sister?

        I didn’t even know they were brothers.

        • Domo_Konnichiwa

          And it’s totally platonic.

      • Alex Lee

        “I can’t stop cumming! I blasted a hole in my TV!”

        Harry S. Plinkett

    • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

      You wanna see Godzilla? Hmmm…wonder what Godzilla’s dialogue will be? Godzilla says, “AHHHHH, HUHHHHHH, AHHHHHH! EEEEHHHHH!” Hell! I bet Alex Kurtzman will write the dialogue. LOL

    • Thanatos2k

      From all the trailers it looks like it’s going to be ruined by focusing too much on stupid characters and how horrible things are for them, instead of what we want to see.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    From a Collider article:

    Roberto Orci in Talks to Direct STAR TREK 3

    Well fuck…

    http://collider.com/star-trek-3-roberto-orci-director/

    http://i.minus.com/i4HAzivZt1J7j.gif

    • ident

      Please let it be so. The failure will be epic.

    • Mike Jakermen

      Yeah seems like a clusterf**K.

    • Bort

      so… the meeting at sony went like this… what was the worst thing about the movie? the screenplay.. oh god good lets get him to direct the next one… great idea.. :s …. not only that… deeper into the SAME article… his co writer for this movie.. is set to driect the spinoff movie ,,, venom… god help us all

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        The movies are by Paramint, not Stony.

        CHECK YOR FACTS!

        • Uncle Sporkums

          Unsubscribed!

        • Bort

          youre implying i use facts? lol

    • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

      I suddenly feel sick. I’ll not see this one. I’ve got better things to do.

      • Alex Lee

        Pretty much my reaction, considering how he treats criticism.

        The thing is, if he never got pissed off on Twitter, I’d probably be giving him a chance, but regardless of how good it is, I definitely won’t be seeing it in the theater. Just Netflix, if that.

  • Thom Stone

    what the hell are these 3 nerds talking about?

    • UCHUBomb

      bad movies

  • Thom Stone

    what the hell are these 3 nerds talking about?

  • Debra Wulvrestreats

    Look at Jay get all weirded out at the Mass Effect reference. “Oh no! People might not get that!” Relax Jay.

  • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

    Well, if your trying to sell Hollywood the rights to a comic book, don’t forget, you will still need a script. Oh, and don’t forget to kiss every agent’s ass so that you can get into their click. LOL Good luck!

  • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

    Redlettermedia website review

    http://youtu.be/u4Tk7sZFSFk

    • Jeremy Davis

      fail

      • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

        Thank you…you must be offended by the Law and Order references. LOL

    • Meester Smeeth
      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        Jay’s movements are so subtle that you didn’t notice he was moving.

        But your brain did.

        • omitted

          and my d*ck. It bounced

      • whip

        This was from the “Questions about Prometheus” right?

        I remember that video was the first time I saw Jay. I was familiar with the Plinkett reviews before then. But not Jay. And the first time I saw it, I was like wow.. who is this Amish guy? He’s really good at playing spaced out.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      I’m sorry to admit this…

      • omitted

        Jay often struggles to keep a straight face

  • Debra Wulvrestreats

    Rich Evans.com Rich Evans 100%. Rich Evans forever and ever.

    Lose weight though or grow a beard like George RR Martin and wear hats.

  • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

    Actually Mike, John Depp can act. He has proved this in the movies Donnie Brasco and Blow. Two movies that I guess you haven’t seen?

    • ident

      John Depp is brilliant, no question. Johnny Depp can barely remember where the camera is.

      Or we could have ourselves a Pacino situation: he was great once but after too many low effort movies, he’s forgotten how to act.

      • Meester Smeeth

        It really is like he’s gone the way DeNiro and Pacino have gone but in a fraction of the time. It’s depressing when you think how much potential he showed early on.

        • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

          Ident and Meester, yeah, I agree. DeNiro and Pacino were great. Even Clint Eastwood was great at one time.

          • Meester Smeeth

            I don’t see how Clint Eastwood even bears comparison. Clint Eastwood doesn’t pop up in dross all the time, he at least has some integrity.

          • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

            I don’t mind Clint directing, but some people just refuse to retire from acting, aka DeNiro and Pacino. I didn’t like seeing Clint in Grand Torino. I thought he was miscast. I don’t like seeing well known actors, who haven’t aged well, on screen. I understand that old actors need to be cast for certain roles. However, since Clint is known for so many roles and is loved by so many people, seeing how much he has aged, shrunk, just depresses me.

            In my opinion, he should have stepped aside and allowed some unknown actor to be cast in that role. But, then again, I guess the movie wouldn’t have gotten made since Hollywood needs bankable names.

          • Meester Smeeth

            I don’t know, I thought Eastwood was great in Gran Torino. His aging never bothered me, I thought he was perfect for the role.

          • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

            Does Pacino’s age bother you when you see him on screen? It bothers me. Pacino has shrunk so much that I can’t really take him seriously as threat to anything. And, because of all his smoking, he can’t even yell anymore. It’s like he is out of breath. Push him down, and he’s on the floor to stay. Yet, he still gets work because he is a bankable name.

          • Meester Smeeth

            To be honest, barring a few films, I’m not a big Pacino fan to begin with. I understand what you mean, though.

          • Uncle Sporkums

            Clint in Torino didn’t bother me either.

          • Meester Smeeth

            He was great in it.

          • Uncle Sporkums

            Indeed.

          • Uncle Sporkums

            “Continued Successsss..”

          • Paulus Cañamonjas

            Pacino hasn´t aged well, not only he is unthreatening, he looks funny (Dunkaccino!!) Jack Nicholson, same thing I couldn´t help but laugh with his role in The Departed ; what an overhyped movie. They look so out of place and role, which makes it funny. But even in that register they are awful; if I want some funny old man, I am gonna watch some Leslie Nielsen flick.

    • Captain Turbo

      Mike only watches Al Pacino movies in which he a plays a bombastic character who yells a lot.

      • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

        Oh, then why doesn’t he like all of Michael Bay’s films. All the characters in Michael’s films yell, all the time. LOL

  • Bort

    nice to see all three reviewers.. only problem i have is i wish it was a longer review .. but hey ya prob said what ya wanted to say… but i for one wouldnt get bored.. if ya went into some rambling.. cause its all good…

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Nolan cronyism and another stupid superhero movie.

    “Who gives a fuck?” they ask.

    Exactly.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    You could continue, but you’d have to eventually explain yourself instead of just listing words.

  • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

    Yeah, that’s the joke.

  • http://delusionallosers.wordpress.com/ Anthony Donovan Stokes

    i guess you haven’t seen this movie yet

  • Its_So_Dense

    The Plinkett review was more “accepting” and “understanding” than genuinely “liking” it as anything more than a generic space movie.

    • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

      I think Star Trek Into the Darkness really pissed him off. Who knows, he might update the Star Trek 2009 review in the future?

      • Alex Lee

        I’d rather he just make a full Into Darkness review, because there’s so much wrong with it on so many levels.

        • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

          I agree that.

      • whip

        This.

        A great many of us were not objective about Star Trek 2009 when it first hit. We wanted to like it. We were invested in liking it. We didn’t look at it objectively, and were suckered in by the dazzling spectacle and lens flares.

        Into Darkness is so bad it really snaps you back into line and makes you retroactively re-examine the first one. And realize it’s failings. And be honest to admit them.

        If you are an intellectually honest person that is, I guess. Some people argued very very harshly and vigorously about that movie when it was reviewed here.

        Objectivity is a term thrown around a lot that people don’t seem to understand fully. In my experience. Many of them are clearly biased and invested in something, but consider themselves objective.

        • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

          You’re right!

  • Chris

    Weh. There was a faint glimpse of a good movie in there somewhere. I actually smiled during Spidey’s opening action scene. But somewhere between emo Harry Osborn and that insufferable Hans Zimmer jingle that played every time Electro appeared on screen, I… ah, whatever.

    Also, I’m sure others in this thread have noticed this, but there are scenes and reveals in the trailer that were not in the film at all. And not just throwaway scenes, but scenes that seemed to setup what the plot was going to be. And then it just… wasn’t there.

  • Uncle Sporkums

    “That you, John Connor? Is this me?”

  • Uncle Sporkums

    Agreed.

  • Uncle Sporkums
    • Meester Smeeth

      Great, now we can look forward to the re-reboot, starring who the fuck cares, just so Stony can hold on to the rights.

      • Uncle Sporkums

        Sad, but true.. They think whenever a movie flops, “Duh.. We gotta reboot it again, hurr durr..”

        • Meester Smeeth

          You never know, maybe it’ll just be a case where they’re not willing to risk it again. Could they sell it back to Marvel? Or would Marvel just have to wait? I don’t know how this works.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            They could let the contract lapse, or sell.

            With Venom and Sinister Six in the works, though, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

          • Meester Smeeth

            Ah.

          • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

            Marvel can do the Venom and Sinister Six better than Stoney. I hope they do sell.

          • ChickenSandwich

            They never will stop, ever, until Spidey is dead!

          • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

            It depends on the contract. However, if Stoney is desperate for money, it will more than likely sell it back to Marvel.

          • Meester Smeeth

            That’d be great.

          • David

            The films from now on could make less and less every time, the franchise lose traction and in some years Sony could consider sell the rights back. But I consider we’ll see at least five more of these films before anything happens.

          • Meester Smeeth

            5? Really? Fuck! Damn you, Police Academy formula!

          • David

            Yes, sadly. But let’s remember Sony Pictures announced they wanted to put one Spider-man film per year… for better or worse.

          • Meester Smeeth

            Plus they’ve got spin-offs, it’s gonna take forever!

          • Alex Lee

            That sounds like an insane schedule, and it’ll probably suffer from the Policy Academy Affliction.

          • Meester Smeeth

            Hopefully it’s suffering from the Amazing Spider-Man 2 Affliction and the schedule is completely discarded.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      It’s even worse than that now. :P That’s a 71.3% drop [$35.2M to $10.1M], which is identical to the huge drop for Spider-Man 3. Thing is, Spider-Man 3 opened to a massive $59.8M on Friday for a $151.1M weekend [the record until TDK broke it a year later], so that large drop was expected and isn’t as bad. This new film seems to be dying quickly, which is not good for Stony as this is one of their key franchises to bring in money.

      Also, with these updated numbers, Neighbors looks to have an even larger opening weekend than people thought.

      http://www.boxofficemojo.com/showdowns/chart/?view=daily&id=alltimepenvs.htm

      http://www.deadline.com/2014/05/box-office-neighbors-vs-amazing-spiderman-2/

      • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

        I only wish there was a good movie beating The Amazing Spider-man 2. :)

      • Alex Lee

        I sure do miss being excited about going to a movie.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Actually, starting your comment off with ‘actually’ is annoying. It’s insinuating I was wrong about something even though your correction wasn’t even related to the point I was making. My comment only mentions Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2 for a comparison of what a singular, cohesive vision feels like against a film that’s made by committee as seen by all the various changes that are most liking forced upon Webb by the studio.

    The films being any good is moot for my argument [although I do feel that generally a director with a vision will deliver a better product]. You can have a film with a singular vision that sucks and a film made by committee that rocks.

    By to reply to your comment, I took the time to explain why the film felt like it was made by committee so my claims have some weight. Your claims are just, well, claims, and they’re in the minority when it comes to how most people felt about Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2.

    tl;dr

    Your comment is irrelevant.

    http://i.minus.com/iM1Q98N7cFwrs.gif

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Haha. Just before I read your post I was thinking the exact same thing. “Wow, these reboots are already Spider-Man 3-level bad and it’s only the second film.”

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I noticed that your other replies to me used the phrase “raimibieleber” and I realized that you’re just a troll who’s here to annoy people by taking jabs at the Raimi films by making rather baseless claims. If I was a “raimibieleber”, I wouldn’t have hated Spider-Man 3 so much, ya goof!

    Anyway, since you’re basically a troll, I’ll let Mike say something.

    http://i.minus.com/izJ9TKGxFiJRu.gif

    • 0mega140

      sorry raimibielber but spiderman 2 and 3 have the same level of medio same level of mediocrity and irritating and stupid characters with insulting plot holes

  • Fuck Me I’m January

    Jay is the only one who hasn’t aged since the first Spiderman episode.

    • WrongWithYourFace

      I was amazed to see how slim Rich Evans back then.

    • omitted

      2012 was the year Jay found out about the youthening effects of turning tricks in the alley

      • Fuck Me I’m January

        It’s definitely a great way to get youthenized

        • omitted

          As long as you don’t get euthanized

  • Studio Executive

    Well, at least RLM gave me the name for the next reboot:
    “The Transcendent Spiderman!”
    I wonder if Mr. Shia LaBeouf is available…

    • Guest

      …Turns out Mr. LaBeouf is free most Saturdays and eager for work.

      • Meester Smeeth

        But he’s not famous anymore.

    • Studio Executive

      …It turns out that Mr. LaBeouf is available most weekends and he’s eagerly looking for work!

    • Shane Von Russell

      The Transgendered Spider-Man?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I don’t know why, but in my head I see a Bizarro world where the pale guy is anorexic Rich Evans with a lot of hair, and the other guy is Jay if he was British.

  • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

    Jay, you think you can do a quick cut on the movie Palo Alto? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTqMUu1iTIo

  • Malevolence

    Jay was spot on on how I felt about Amazing Spiderman. It jumped from tone to tone as poorly and as often as the Phantom Menace did. it had the feeling behind it like it was Directed by a guy who specialized in Directing Romantic Comedies and that’s at the heart of the problem… as much as you may have felt with the break ups and get back togethers it caused Spiderman to be a crying silly weirdo through most the movie, nearly as bad as his Seabiscuit counterpart in Spiderman 3

  • Shane Von Russell

    This new guy, Rich Evans has moxie!

  • Zach LaChance

    English please

  • Thomas Hunt

    Sony apparently wants to emulate the success of the Avengers by making spin-off films for whatever supporting characters and villains from the Spider-Man mythos they have the rights to. The Venom and Sinister Six movies will supposedly be pumped into theaters before ASM 3, and after that I guess we can look forward to the Black Cat (Just conjecture). If we’re lucky they might start tapping below the bottom-of-the-barrel and churn out a Fabulous Frog-Man movie or a gritty Aunt May prequel that explores that sadomasochist relationship she had with Uncle Ben, but I don’t think God is that generous.

    The actor who played that weird dude from the post-credits scene in the first ASM (“Gustav Fiers” for those of you who saw the sequel) also played Funboy in Brandon Lee’s The Crow. All of these sequels and spin-offs might be worth it if Sony ultimately intends to set up a Spider-Man vs. Funboy movie.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXbzJ7xAVn4

    (The actor, Michael Massee, was incidentally the man who shot Lee by accident on set)

  • Alex Lee

    2:22 because it’s The Amazing Spiderman 2.

    That’s studio thinking for “This’ll be cute.” It’s just long.

  • Alex Lee

    The web-hand thing sounds like it needed to be set up properly. Like, there was a scene where Peter is modifying the web shooter to shoot out a hand shape for a better grip. It doesn’t even have to do it all the time either. Just that one scene and maybe one or two lines of “Oh, so now it works” during random parts of the movie.

    Eh, I’d like to think something like this was written in, but then got cut out in atrocious editing, but that gives the people who made this movie too much credit.

    • Its_So_Dense

      Don’t worry—the next film will explain not only this, but why all of the extras were doing what they were doing during the fight scenes. Don’t you get it? These films have SCOPE! “It’s a big movie…everybody”!

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      When the web-hand started forming my eyes rolled so far back that I was staring into my head and could see my brain cells dying.

  • Hayden

    I think it is time to get Rich off the chable and back in the Monkey Man suit. Going to have to let that suit out a little….

  • LelouchtheFilial

    I bet that Mr. Plinkett has a picture of Rich Evans’s black Little Orphan Annie hanging over his bed.
    Because Jesus can look like anything… because he lives in your heart.
    And in Mr. Plinkett’s heart, Jesus looks like a sexy little black girl.

  • LelouchtheFilial

    WaitwaitWAIT. If Rich Evans didn’t have a real phaser, then how did he rescue Mike and Jay from George Lucas’s assassins?
    Why did he even rescue them from George Lucas’s assassins in the first place if he was just going to turn them in to George Lucas?
    Oh my god… HALF IN THE BAG FUCKING SUCKS!

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHCOw3Y-VU Boss Nass

      Nobody seems to care. Jay also shot Rich just in time for the holiday season and btw don’t people usually die of aids?

      Time to reboot HiTB?

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uA-MoS9FZHQ

      • Poopfeast420

        aids is very manageable these days

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    The best thing about this expanded Spider-Man universe is some day we’ll finally get a film completely dedicated to that crane operator from the first film.

    You know, the one that helped Spider-Man swing toward Oscorp, not the one that crashed through Gwen Stacy’s photo shoot and nearly killed her.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      It’s gonna be great!

      • Noah Roalson

        It’s gonna be great!

      • Uncle Sporkums

        That’s gonna be great!

  • Thanatos2k

    That the standards in Hollywood are so low right now that even *I* can make a movie – a Space Cop movie!

  • Thom Stone

    after seeing the amazing spider-man 2, my life just feels so empty.

    it’s so sparse, every single second has so few things going on.

    • Noah Roalson

      We all know what happens when too many things try to get crammed onto the screen!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    It seems @0mega140:disqus is stuck on repeat in these comments. I think he/she/it only came here to tell us how much the Raimi films suck and how these reboot films are better. I wouldn’t care so much if they actually bothered to explain their points, but so far they’re basically troll material and recycle the same bullshit post to post. I’ll point out two reasons why Spider-Man (2002) is better than The Amazing Spider-Man (2012). ;)

    http://www.jsrpages.co.uk/scansd/dunst/kirsten_dunst-spiderman-%20(28).jpg

    • Bort

      haha meow

    • Bort

      you do have a point there in fact you have 2 points there n now i have a point there

    • omitted

      Tobey’s tushy I could get behind, but this… I don’t get it

    • whip

      Same thing happened with Man of Steel. People who are fanatics or fanboys really don’t think they are being fanboys. They think they are objective. Sadly.

      These people went into these things wanting to like them. Invested in liking them. And they project that onto others, suggesting they went in wanting to hate it. It’s all pretty clear cut and obvious.

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        I went into Man of Steel wanting to like it and originally I did, but, I can only kid myself for so long. Reflecting on it and thinking back on it, that film has a lot of problems. I ignored the things I disliked about the film while watching it. Now I can’t watch most scenes from the film without groaning.

        The cognitive dissonance was strong with me, but using the healing powers of Rich Evans’ laughter, I was able to beat my personal demons.

        • Alex Lee

          Me too. Now, I just remember the headache I got afterwards, and now the flaws are really obvious, where spectacle was worth more than the story.

  • Damian

    I pretty much agree with ever review mike and Jay do. Except this one on spiderman. People are being WAY too harsh on this movie. And mike, jay, and rich clearly went into it wanting to hate it. This movie is very entertaining. The chemistry between garfield, stone, and field is infectious. There are plenty of structural issues in the film but it doesn’t change the fact that it was damn entertaining. At first viewing the only problem I had was Jamie Fox as electro. I actually enjoyed him a lot more the second viewing. I thought maybe I was just viewing the film with rose colored glasses. Turns out, I actually ended up liking it more. The tonal shifts made more sense upon second viewing too. All of them character driven and not plot driven. Character work is Webs bread and butter. He knows how to make these characters feel like real people. I’m sorry but I watched spiderman 2 yesterday and while sam raimi knows how to put style and structure in a movie, Toby and Dunst, and Franco are TERRIBLE in it. They are soooo bland and one dimensional. And what the hell is the deal with raimi continuously wanted the character of Peter Parker to hate being spiderman. Every one of those movies is about how peter hates being spiderman. Even though the theme that is driven home is “with great power comes great responsibility.” In Webs version, they don’t even need to pound that theme over your head and peter completely embraces that idea in Webbs movies. He actually enjoys being spiderman and understands he has a responsibility. There are so many little character things like that that people are missing. Anyway, to each is own.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      Well, Mike did recommend X-Men Origins: Wolverine, which I’d argue is worse than TASM2. I don’t think they go into films wanting to hate them. They might have some idea of what the film might be like, but I think they generally want to be entertained when they see a film. I bet you if Adam Sandler ever makes/stars in a good film again and they see it, they’ll see so even though they despise pretty much all his previous material.

      At the end of your comment, why do you assume that people are missing all the little character things in this film? In Spider-Man 3, Peter generally loves being Spider-Man, so not every Raimi film has Peter hating being Spider-Man.

      I watched TASM2 and then Spider-Man 2 shortly after. I find it funny that both versions of Aunt May have a random spaz moment where they freak out at Peter and start crying, this one about his parents and that one about taking some birthday money.

      • Damian

        Like I said, to each is own. I guess I mention all those little character moments, because those are what made the film enjoyable to me. I don’t recall Spidey 3, to be honest. I do remember him lovin life while he was possessed by the symbiot. But most of the time being spiderman seemed to always be portrayed as being a crutch to peter Parker. Even in this movie, after his love passes, we don’t see him blame spiderman. He just mourns his loss. Also, I do think the random freak out by May in this movie was more grounded for me in this movie then in Spidey 2. However, those are both moments I enjoyed. In Spidey 2, that reminded me of my grandma so much. And Sally reminded me of my mother in this when she freaked out. But like i said, I feel Sally’s freak out was more grounded and felt much more emotional to me, seeing that you have two actors that really play well off each other, and not a good actor, and Toby McGuire. Again, this is just my opinion. There’s just so much hate for this film that I don’t understand. Most of it I can. But really, is it reeeeally THAT bad? I don’t think so, at least.

        • Alex Lee

          I get the feeling the 3rd movie will be about Peter giving up the Spiderman costume for a bit before resolving to put it back on. Why? Because that’s what The Dark Knight Rises did, and studios are going slavishly follow that formula forever.

      • Alex Lee

        I think he only recommended the Origins movie in a bad movie kind of way, where you laugh at how cheap it is.

    • Sulfur12

      “I pretty much agree with ever review mike and Jay do” mkay, Im reading….

      “Except this one on spiderman” Red alarm!

      “People are being WAY too harsh on this movie” Fuck you and fuck your opinion, because its bullshit! Go and portray first and second Spiderman so that they rhyme!

      • Damian

        Huh? I’m sorry this movie killed your puppy, sir.

        • Rick Jaeger

          He loved that puppy, and Space Cop did nothing!

          WHERE WERE YOU, SPACE COP?

          • Damian

            DAAAAAMN YOOOUUU SPAAAACE COP!!!

    • ChickenSandwich

      It seems Sony get about 50% of Spider-Man movies right each time. For every scene like Sandman beautifully regenerating himself after the accident there’s a scene of Peter Parker strutting like Travolta. They give with one hand and take with the other.

      There’s been five Spidey movies now and they do this every time.

      For example in this movie they get the Spidey-ness of the comic exactly right, but everything else is a mess and it’s the worst interpretation of Goblin to date. That’s really bad considering what they did with Goblin Jr in Spider-Man 3.

      Somewhere between all the Spidey films is an amazing and faithful adaptation but it’s muddied and diluted with executive crap.

      • Damian

        I actually loved the Goblin interpretation! He looked like a Goblin. Acted like a Goblin. Granted his motivation was off but as much as I would love to see the green rubber mask and the purple cowl I can’t see how they could make it work like they do in the comics.

        • ChickenSandwich

          I think they overthink the Green Goblin. Personally, and feel free to disagree, but I’d love to see Green Goblin just as the comic. I honestly think it would work. If Loki can work then anything is possible.

          Norman Osborn, tests a serum on himself, it either turns him into a hulking demon like in Ultimate Spider-Man or it’s a failed Captain America serum that drives him insane and he wears a hideous Halloween costume. You could look at The Joker as an example as to how to go from comic to gritty realism. But what I think would work is that Norman CHOOSES his Goblin persona and his use of technology is for weapons and flight. He doesn’t wear armour because he has powers and is a crazy person.

          Honestly, I never thought Green Goblin would be this difficult to get right and I thought Amazing Spider-Man 2 would have rebooted it more thoroughly since they got Spider-Man himself so close to the comic.

          Norman needs to be the arch nemesis really, since he represents the demonic father figure tempting the hero into corruption and the Gwen murder cemented his role as the daddy of Spidey villains. None of that is really possible now.

          • Damian

            Oh no, I completely agree with you, about the mythology and how Norman definitely should be the arch nemesis and not Harry. Also, your descriptions of all the Goblins in live action movies so far are perfect. I especially love that you referenced Loki and the fact that if Marvel held full rights to its flagship character, we’d finally get a proper interpretation of a lot of these characters. I simply meant, that in this universe which Webb created, which I came to accept the extreme villain differences from the comics, I feel the goblin works. Visually. Meaning he looks like a monster, and sounds like a monster. Until were able to get a COMPLETE marvel owned spiderman, I’m happy with what I’m getting as a giant Spiderman fan. Hell, if I can love the 1970s live action Tv show, I can love this.

  • Thanatos2k

    He said the script sucks, which it sorta does.

  • Thanatos2k

    Jesus Christ why are there so many comments

    • dollar store cashier wife

      some people call it spam.I’d like to call it…transcendence.

      • Domo_Konnichiwa

        Spamscendentialism.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      I have no life, that’s why.

      • omitted

        You’ve already copied your consciousness to the Internet, haven’t you, Nash?

      • Now I Get It

        When you see the one thing that all these many things you’ve been doing have in common, then from that one thing you will make something new, and you will know that the world has a place for you…

        or so I told Christ on the Cross. Please allow me to introduce myself.

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkXIYgsvO0c

    • WrongWithYourFace

      That’s why you don’t come late to the party. It’s easier to digest in small doses.

  • Bort

    ya would think since peter parker is a photographer, he could be out one day takin snaps.. ya could have where at first he didnt notice somethin in the photo, and only when he gets home and looks harder at the pic do we see somethin sinister in it.. ya know ya have that moment where he uses his comp to zoom in and clear up the pic.. yah its been done on csi.. but so what lol ..in these movies the crims just come out and say hi sidey im the bad man.. look kids im wearing a dam rhino meck suit.. can i be ANY MORE OBVIOUS? subtlety? whats that? oh i dont know man it has a silent b in it… looks like a wierd word to me bro.. hey look its a guy,, a grown man.. running around the street looking like a rhinoceros..

  • Jason Ross

    Horse wouldn’t last five minutes in a ninja pizza parlour.

  • Kirke

    Yeah, I was disappointed when I realised that in the film, her death is because Spidey didn’t catch her in time.

  • Kirke

    As I was sitting in the cinema watching TASM2, only one thought occupied my mind: I could had been watching Winter Soldier again but I chose this. I paid money to see this. My money. This is a mistake I’ll never fix.

    • ChickenSandwich

      I thought something similar. As I left the cinema I thought the film had some good moments, but I wanted it to get a move on several times through the dull ‘mystery’ bits (that bit about Peter’s ‘special’ DNA – what the Phantom Menace was that?), and by the end I didn’t – and still don’t – feel like watching it again.

      That was the opposite of Winter Soldier, where I not only loved every second of it, didn’t want it to end and left wanting more, I also wanted to immediately watch it again.

      The difference is astounding.

      Who would have ever imagined that by 2014 all of the superheroes would get movies and the best one is the one about Captain America?

      • Mitchell Taco Nash

        I found it odd that during the giant climax with all the gunships exploding and blowing up that I wanted for them to get that over with and just show us the conflict between Captain America and the Winter Soldier. Not even them fighting, but Cap trying to talk to him and see if he can reach out to him.

        You know you’re doing something right when people actually enjoy the slower bits of your film compared to other superhero films where you want to get over all the talking to get to some fun action bits. Here it felt like the slower parts actually meant something, whereas other films they feel forced and unnecessary to the narrative, like in TASM2.

        • ChickenSandwich

          I’ve been thinking about this and I think it’s all because Captain America is basically a straight up hero type in a cynical complicated world. He’s not moody, he should be, he has every right to be, but he’s better than that.

          I watched the film thinking his character was what Superman should have been in Man Of Steel, but what gives Cap the advantage is he’s an underdog with vulnerabilities.

          In every situation you are rooting for him, in every situation he does the right thing. Out of all the Marvel characters he has the most potential for growth. Roll on Cap 3.

          • Mitchell Taco Nash

            I wish they dedicated more time in MOS to making us care about Peter Parker Steve Rogers Tony Stark Bruce Wayne Clark Kent before they forced him into the suit [which was rather clumsy]. I agree, he should have been more like Captain America who, even though he’s given tough choices, he always chooses the right thing to do.

            Superman doesn’t have vulnerabilities like Cap, but they should have put more energy into his struggles with fitting into an alien society but still being positive and trying to be the best he can despite it. Instead they just used a few nonsensical flashbacks and made him a lonely drifter. Also, he should have better things to say when he’s Superman. You can be serious AND still have a grin on your face.

            I’m worried about the sequel. We’re going to see Batman in the hands of Snyder. Ugh…

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            Have you ever read “Kingdom Come”? It’s a graphic novel that expands a point Mike made in the MoS review; does the world really need Superman? We were fine and then you came along and brought problems to us, and now we totally rely on you. It pits the philosophies of Superman and Batman against each other and shows why their ideologies fundamentally clash, and why both need each other to keep their powers in check.

            I re-read it the other day, thinking it would be great if the MoS sequel focused on Superman/Batman in that way. The problem is Snyder doesn’t understand why these heroes work. He can take the Watchmen and replicate each frame in the novel, but doesn’t understand why it was framed that way, and what emotions were to be taken from it.

            Nolan conveyed Batman’s moral code beautifully, but only in the context of mortal people. Snyder is now throwing in Superman and potentially Wonder Woman, God-like people, with no foundation for how any deal with each other’s powers. Snyder thinks Superman is some sort of bad-ass who needed to be modernized, when that’s the last thing we really needed.

          • Mitchell Taco Nash

            “He can take the Watchmen and replicate each frame in the novel, but doesn’t understand why it was framed that way, and what emotions were to be taken from it.”

            Bam! You fucking nailed it, Domo, you fucking nailed it! He beautifully matched the panels from the comics and put them in motion, but he didn’t bring them to life; he left the subtext in the book and forgot to translate that to the screen. Honestly, I feel a less faithful adaptation of the book that kept the spirit intact would have been far superior. He hardly touched on any of the themes and seemed to just go for the ‘cool factor’. Have to admit it was nice seeing Rorschach move, though, especially his mask.

            I haven’t read Kingdom Come, no, but it sounds interesting. I don’t trust Snyder to do the Superman vs Batman film any justice league, but that sounds like a cool problem to base a good chunk of the film on. Again, though, I feel like he’ll go for the ‘cool factor’.

            Also, he needs a second unit. He didn’t have one on Man of Steel and it showed at times, especially when it comes to the jarring scene changes without a proper location setup and even within the shots in the scenes themselves.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            Imagine if Snyder was given The Avengers script; he would have The Avengers fully assembled, have the aliens and Loki be the bad guys, and blow shit up. Each team member, at worst, would be some lost soul wandering aimlessly until they found their dream team and just magically work wonders together. It’s part of the reason Captain America: The First Avenger, is so forgettable. Cap shows up. Team of many colors comes to help him! Lets go get Red Face! Yay!

            It takes a lot of time and work to make a team function. Everyone has their own issues, agendas, strengths and weaknesses that need to be worked out together to make the group successful. Without those conflicts, the conquest/victory is rarely satisfying. With comics, there’s an added level of issues, strengths, and moral codes that makes them so fun to be a part of. That’s what makes these stories so cool, not the explosions or the superhero powers.

          • sepiajack

            Very well said, I would upvote this 10 times if I could.

          • Domo_Konnichiwa

            Those 9 accounts aren’t going to make themselves! You need to have an army of teapot accounts to impress the ladies!

    • Thanatos2k

      The mistake is easy to fix – never pay money for another Stony Spiderman movie again. Caution others that it sucks and prevent them from spending money on it.

      • Kirke

        I didn’t want to see it but friend’s son wanted to so I agreed to take him. So yes, I actually paid for TWO tickets for this.

  • ChickenSandwich

    I’m so tired of agreeing with every single review. I come to the internet to be contrary and miserable, and here is Half In The Bag shining a light on all that is crap and being funny as hell while doing it.

    Sick of it.

    • Mitchell Taco Nash

      I had the chance to see Snowpiercer in Korea last summer while I was over there but I decided against it because I thought the film was going to be in Korean without any English subtitles or anything. Now that I see it most likely would have been in English with Korean subtitles, I feel like I really missed out.

    • Booger

      REALLY had to dig for a movie I disagreed on but here it goes…I think they were a little light on Hunger Games (I recall a decent but not glowing recommendation). I went in knowing nothing but it was a popular book. I was completely bored. I appreciate it’s directed with some competence but the script is pretty simple especially for being based off a book. I like Harry Potter, and it’s a pretty simple idea (good vs. evil), but it at least had some character development and light subtext like the Star Warp movies we love. I connected with no one in Hunger Games. Katnis was pretty, selflessly maternal, loved by all the boys, and wears a cool dress (wonder why girls like her). Poor isn’t a character flaw or dimension (i.e. Titanic review). Plus, Jennifer Somethin-or-Another looked bored herself and kinda stoic. Peeta loves Katnis and…yeah. Other handsome guy loves Katnis and…yeah. I did like Woody Haroldson as the hopeless and bothered but still positive father figure. But that’s all he was unfortunately. It was far to heavy-handed with “rich people bad, poor people good” to not have any further subtext. What was with the “bad guy” pack of kids tracking Kadnis, most of whom will die a horrible death against their will too? (eventually to each other) The games themselves should have been more morally gray (cause that gladiator shit happened!) rather than our protagonist getting ganged up on cuz drama. I remember the little black girl and her brother (racist!) not being evil but they were just “good guys”. Where was our third party whose allegiance and morality was unclear? I found it jarring that Peeta filled that role. And it was for such a short time and clearly out of character. Why was he not killed immediately just to find one other person? How would he know where she was hiding anyway? And when he found her, cuz plot, they should have killed him then and there. And why are ALL rich kids trained in combat PRIOR to being chosen. I thought it was a LARGE lottery, especially in those big city’s. And why are the poor people watching the games when they apparently hate this shit? No protesting? Handsome man didn’t watch, like a sensible person. Everyone else decides to watch the one TV show a year and it’s kids murdering each other? (I’d actually watch that). In fairness I did like that the sponsors didn’t so much sponsor as buy help for who they wanted to win, showing corporate sleaze n stuff. HOWEVER, Kabnis is the one helped by sponsors because she has a boyfriend (that’s a positive message for young girls) when the “mean rich kids” should have gotten help since the movie already set a “rich bad, poor good” tone. That adds drama and enforces the NOT HAVING MONEY BUT BEING COMPETENT THEME…*whew*
      If you bothered to read all this, all I have to say is: if you’re going to disagree with these guys, (if just to be the devil’s advocate) you gotta make your point. Hopefully I did. And I was bored.

      • dollar store cashier wife

        abso-fucking-lutely.THG is so mediocre it hurts.

      • Chinoiserie

        I think Hunger Gamer was very good but not perfect. I was quite disappointed that there was no Catching Fire review. That film actually was nearly perfect. And I read the books after the first film btw.

        • Booger

          Is this the same Catching Fire that used the tired “same but bigger” formula for dumb sequels? Never seen it, but doesn’t she just fight in the Hunger Games again but this time… “she fights other winners”. Whoa. And don’t come in hear wif you’re book shit. We can’t read. We watch moopies.

  • http://hardycases.com/ Hale

    So? That doesn’t mean they did it well.

    If they had done a better job, then Lizard’s face would have larger scales, his eyes would be wider and more serpentine, and he’d have no teeth in his gaping, wide mouth. That would actually be a really creepy design for a villain.

    But what we got was a Goomba.

  • AnthonyMcEdwards

    Is anyone else starting to think that these guys really don’t know how to fix a VCR?

    • Uncle Sporkums

      You don’t fix yours with a hammer?

      • Alex Lee

        Or an axe?

        • Pebkio Nomare

          Or a drill?

    • ident

      The problem may be their tools. Soldering irons typically don’t have sparklers on their tips.

  • ChickenSandwich

    Oh yes, personally I loved it. Some of my friends HATED it. I got that Gilliam vibe immediately. I would love to hear what these guys think of it.

  • Jack Park

    I really hope your joking.

  • Jack Park

    I agree this movie was shit

    • Thanatos2k

      But which one!?

      • Jack Park

        TASM2, but even though I haven’t seen transcendence, it seemed pretty shit too

  • Cy

    So the new Spider-man movie didn’t turn out very good. Who woulda thought?

    Everyone.

    Literally, everyone.

  • LelouchtheFilial

    I’m sure that Mr. Plinkett’s son would be celebrating Mothers’ Day with his mom, if both he and his mom weren’t dead.

    • Noah Roalson

      Don’t worry, Plinkett lives on as long as we believe in our hearts!

      • Domo_Konnichiwa

        Only if you’ve a triple bypass.

  • mikeohare

    In amazing Spiderman 3 some oscorp guy should be in a Wal-Mart and see that some cashier’s nametag says “Otto Octavius” and he should just be like, “dude, is that your real name? you gotta come work for us”

    • Uncle Sporkums

      I wouldn’t put it past them…

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    Where can I join the Church of Jesus Christ, Lawnmower Man?

  • Michael Hoobler

    In the wide shot where everyone is on screen, rich echos. Just sayin.

  • Stardog Champion

    I wouldn’t be surprise if Doc Ock is going to be a young British college fat guy.

    • Uncle Sporkums

      With Harry looking like a freaking emo and the new Lex Luthor looking like the teen burnout that works at 7-11, I wouldn’t be surprised either.

    • ChickenSandwich

      Otto Octavius will be an old school pal of Harry’s who he used to replace Peter as BFF in his teenage years. Otto dislikes Peter because Harry loves Peter more. He has a crush on Mary Jane and kidnaps her at some point. Otto will be 18 years old, but played by a 31 year old actor. The Vulture will appear near the end, and his origin will be changed so that he is bitten by a genetically engineered super vulture, and his one scene will be in the trailer. Vulture will be completely CG including the actor.

      • http://hardycases.com/ Hale

        It’d be hilarious if the next movie scraped the bottom of the barrel for antagonists rather than use any of his iconic villains. Like they go through the trouble establishing Vulture and Doc Ock and the rest of the Sinister Six in this film, but the next movie is about Big Wheel and Will-O-Whisp teaming up.

        • ChickenSandwich

          Billy Dee Williams will be introduced as Ottoman Octavian and Dylan Baker will be Victor Von Vulture, but neither one turn into actual super-villains and their plots are inexplicably dropped.

  • D’Avid Murphy

    some strange reverb in this…

    • sepiajack

      I noticed that too

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    **eating salsa**

    “New York City???”

  • http://macaulay559.deviantart.com/ Scottland559

    A very special episode of “Half in the Bag.”

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    If you haven’t read this, I would recommend it. It’s a rather in-depth interview with Red Letter Media [or more specifically, Mike and Jay] that I found months ago but didn’t have the time to finish reading. Today I decided to go back to try to find it again [I saved the link], but it went dead, so I used to title to pull up this from some internet archive. Hopefully the link works! :D It’s from January-March, 2012, so it’s a bit dated, but it’s still pretty sweet. Pretty nice find, eh?

    PS – Let me know if the link works or not. The title is “Brainstorms & Dream Jobs :: Exclusive Interview With Mike Stoklasa & Jay Bauman, Creators of Mr. Plinkett & Half in the Bag” if the link is buggy.

    http://archive.today/toD2b

    • LelouchtheFilial

      I was redirected to a Neo-Nazi website.
      The link works fine.

  • Mark

    A completely different take … http://blip.tv/confused-matthew/the-amazing-spider-man-2-first-impressions-6877110

    I like Confused Matthew a lot. His style is quite different from the Red Letter Media guys (who I love!) and he is focused mostly on plot. This was his initial thoughts upon seeing the movie once. I honestly am looking forward to him hashing out his thoughts fully when he has the movie at home and can make a complete review.

    • Alex Lee

      I have to wonder if this movie will have staying power after he views it multiple times. It’s hard to tell from a first impressions video.

      • Mark

        Yeah hard telling. I went from enjoying it and making excuses on behalf of the writers for the jumbled narrative to thinking the story was garbage in a matter of a couple hours of hashing it out. Confused Matthew changed his mind in a rather big way on The Dark Knight Rises. It wouldn’t stun me if another viewing does the same here.

  • asscrackconvictedfelon

    It should be called “The Dubstepmazing Spooderman”

    Fucking dubstep through all the action scenes for fucks sake.

    One day dubstep will destroy mankind mark my words.

    Oh yeah also this movie sucks ass, i cant even…

    • Alex Lee
      • Jack Park

        Dub step doesn’t just kill you, it beats you on the ground, spits on you and bazookas you to death.

      • asscrackconvictedfelon

        Indeed it can, you know what? I’ll see your key&peele and raise you a MOS Zod killing humans with Da Dubstep.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sge5sUNJkiY

        • A203

          it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s coming right for us… runnnnn
          …ummm i saw 911.. back in 2001.. i dont need a fucking movie about it… i saw the real thing… i would love to met zack snyder and shove this fuckin film up his ass… i really would

  • Duckler

    Half in the Bag: Worst Movie Since That Last One Edition

  • Duckler

    Wow, you can actually see Mike getting hairier during this episode.

  • Mojo

    from what I understand of Transcendence nerds wont like it either since it has way too much dumb pseudoscience

  • kenchun24

    Didn’t see Transcendence, but Sony’s “Amazing Subplot Man 2″ was more crap from Hollywood’s favorite hack writing duo of Kurtzman & Orci (Bayformers, Nu-Trek). I heard they “broke up” before the release of ASM2. Wanted my money back to see Cap 2 again.

    Oh well, at least Gojira is on deck now. I’m all in for more Kaiju meyhem as my favorite 2013 summer popcorn flick was Legendary’s other mecha/monster release Pacific Rim.

  • August

    Mass Effect 3 the most poorly received game? Give me a break. Great game. Lame ending.

    • Alex Lee

      Yeah, it just feels like the retake Earth sections were rushed into production, unlike the Tuchunka and Rannoch parts of the game, which are absolutely gorgeous.

    • dollar store cashier wife

      more like mediocre game with a cancer inducing ending

    • imaginaryGHOST

      ME3 was a shit game all the way through. The story, the new characters, the quest structures, all of it was lame and uninspired.

  • Robby

    There were actually four endings in Mass Effect 3. #CheckYourFacts

    • Thanatos2k

      The 4th one was released later. I don’t even consider it canon.

  • Uncle Sporkums

    35:05 The hack version of how Zemeckis and Gale wrote the Back to the Future script.
    Btw, shout-out to “My Ex-wife” for taking your username and avatar from the Hawk Jones vid I posted in the comments section of a vid months ago. Much appreciated!

  • ident

    Speaking of Internet assholes with poor grammar.

  • TurdFergusson

    Please never stop ridiculing Mass Effect 3. Biggest letdown piece of trash I’ve ever purchased.

    • ChickenSandwich

      Such a sad way to end what could have been a stunning trilogy. For me it degenerated steadily. I enjoyed the first immensely, quite enjoyed 2 but forgot a lot of it, and 3 is a blank.

      What is it with third instalments that makes everyone involved go completely off the rails?

  • ChickenSandwich

    That subway stuff….I have never not cared about a scene in any film so much before.

    All the bits about his dad are utterly boring, and seem to be in there to justify the reboot. They’re boring.

  • HeliopanND09

    So, I was bored and watched You’re Next on Epix last night. I was able to figure out the twist five minutes into the movie. Basically, right before an individual was offed
    during the dinner sequence. I think I was able to figure out the twist due to 1. Bad direction – the actors portraying certain characters were too obvious. 2. The script – there are two dialogue exchanges and one set-up that I felt was so on the nose that they should have flashed red lights and sounded sirens. I wonder if the dialogue was added right before or on the day of shooting because a producer felt they had to cater to the lowest common denominator? Also, the survivalist “booby traps” were basically lifted straight from Home Alone and Death Wish 3.

    In addition to this gag… the nails on the floor gag was also featured in DW3.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItPCrNddIHw

    It wasn’t a terrible movie. I have seen worse. But, I’m a bit baffled as to why it received so much positive buzz? I always try to find something positive in a movie. I would have to say the DP work by Palermo (using the Red) shined, especially on the budget. Also, I thought Sharni Vinson did a good job as the heroine.

    Am I the only one who felt this way?

  • A203

    ..Damn
    it Bones, you’re a doctor, you know that pain and guilt can’t be taken
    away with a wave of a magic wand, they’re the things we carry with us,
    the things that make us who we are, if we lose them we lose ourselves, I
    don’t want my pain taken away, I need my pain… id rather watch that than into darkness, least it had somethin to say.. see ya just cant beat shatner, sorry robert orci… ya just not doin it for me

  • Joshua Barkdull

    The guys HAVE TO DO Godzilla. What a load of crap that was.

    Aside from the dumb fight sequence that is absolutely mandatory for a Godzilla movie, here are just a few problems I had.

    CAUTION SPOILERS BELOW:

    Why does the lead actor look like Elijah Wood with Downs Syndrome?

    Why did they arrest Hal.. I mean Bryan Cranston for trespassing in the quarantine zone one night and send him to jail, but then the very next night when he is arrested again for doing the same thing in the same place they decide to bring him to the secret place with the monster egg? To further the plot of the movie?

    If the only plan they could come up with was to lure the monsters out to sea and so much was riding on those nuclear Warheads, why did they transport them on a slow moving train? We’re told they can’t take the risk of flying but then when the monster gets the warhead they fly high above the clouds in order to drop off the paratroopers. Couldn’t they have transported the warhead that way? Why would they take the risk of a slow moving train? To extend the length of the feature?

    Why did they introduce the subplot of the little Asian boy separated from his parents when ultimately it lead to nothing? Did I fall asleep?

    Why did they put so much time into creating a relatively deep back story for Hal only to kill him off 30mins into the film leaving us with Downs Syndrome Elijah, Asian man from Inception and a female love interest who spends the entire movie thousands of miles away from our incompetent male lead? And why did I continue watching past that point?

    Why did the director insist on filming the army general from behind? Was he in love with the back of that guys head? At first I thought filming from behind was building to some big reveal. But then they showed his face and it was just some guy. And then they continued to do the behind the head thing.

    Why were so many scenes of this movie ripped directly from other block busters like Jurassic Park, Independence Day and INSERT MICHAEL BAY FILM HERE?

    Why did they feel it was necessary to have overly dramatic, slow motion shots of Godzilla getting hurt when we don’t have any emotional attachment to the monster… or to any of the remaining human characters for that matter.

    Why doesn’t our hero have any emotional responses to the terrifying and frustrating events happening all around him? Is it because he’s a Terminator? Is it because he was staring at a green screen? Is it because he’s a bad actor? Is it because of the Downs Syndrome? And why is his son so fat and stupid? Was he dropped on his fucking head?

    How come the Asian doctor guy knew Godzilla would come and kill the bad monsters when for all he knew the military killed Godzilla in the 50s… or did they not kill him in the 50s after all? If they didn’t then where the hell was he for the last 60 years? Maybe he was in New York chasing Ferris Bueller.

    If Hal was such an important person in the nuclear plant before the melt down than why wasn’t he part of the cover up? How come he was cast out? He obviously wasn’t pushed away because he knew the truth and was hell bent on exposing them, he says himself that he spent the first 6 years thinking it was a natural disaster. So why isn’t he still there helping? Wouldn’t they want him containing the radiation? Wouldn’t he be in a great position to help cover up the mess? Why was an inside guy pushed out?

    This is the weirdest episode of Malcolm in the Middle ever.

    Knowing they had to have a stupid monster fight scene at the end of the film, how come the filmmakers weren’t motivated to do the best damn fight scene ever? They could have used this opportunity to show other films how it’s done. Ramp up some stakes, get the audience invested in the outcome, hint at the possibility of failure. At the very least do it better than Dragon Wars.

    OH MY GAWD THIS MOVIE WAS WORSE THAN DRAGON WARS!

    • Uncle Sporkums

      “Stop asking completely logical questions!” LOL! Seriously, though, I didn’t even bother with this turd. The crappy CGI in the latest trailer when he roared looked abysmal.

    • Quole1234 .

      You sound like such a bitch. Most of your problems are either nitpicking or just you creating problems where there are none. In fact many of the things you complained about are just plain wrong. It’s almost like you didnt even watch the movie, in fact, I’m betting you didn’t pay attention at all (or couldn’t). It also seems like you dont even like the genre anyway. Why the hell would you go see a movie you know you will hate? I can tell from all the bitching you did that you went into the movie with that mindset. Are you retarded?

      What’s really sad is that some idiots are going to see this joke of a post and actually allow it to deter them from seeing the movie. For once people, pay attention to RottenTomatoes and IMDB. IMO they got it right with this one.

      Godzilla accomplished what it set out to do and it did it well.

      • Thanatos2k

        There seem to be plenty of reviews on rottentomatoes suggesting major problems in the movie, so……

    • Mike Jakermen

      I would like too hear Mike and Jays take on Godzilla. But i really can’t say it was bad.

  • Jeremy Davis

    I want to feel Rich Evans’ wraaaath…. and by wraaath, I mean his erect prnis

  • Jeremy Davis

    I want to feel Rich Evans’ wraaaaaath

  • Pit-Pat

    That montage of Peter researching about his fathers science work was one of the worst things I think I’ve ever seen in a film. I don’t want to sound hyperbolic, but I really feel that strongly about it. Not only is it unmotivated by anything, but it doesn’t really amount to much in the long run of the film either. Also the song choice was way, way off, that song may have been may biggest issue with it. I don’t mean for that to sound really critical of that particular song, but that song could not have been more out of place in that scene

  • Poopfeast420

    I actually quite liked The Amazing Spiderman, it seemed like a nice lighthearted contrast to what was around at the time even if it was pretty simple, but thats how i always found marvel comics as well; kinda cheesy and simple but a bit of warm fun. RLM hated TAS 1 too, i’m trying to gauge if this will be a similar situation for me but i have a feeling ill agree with them this time.

    • HNSZ

      Nice try. I’m not taking the flame bait. ;)

  • HNSZ

    So you have cancer as well right, or didn’t you play it until the end?

  • joshua kit

    It’s not about making a good movie anymore. It’s about the big blockbuster weekend. That’s where the big money is. Also, these movies are now being marketed directly to the Chinese audience. What Western audiences think isn’t as important as it used to be.

    • Thanatos2k

      The sad thing is, the Chinese are like 20 years behind on movie knowledge and experience. They don’t know what is crap and what isn’t.

      It’s like television from the 80s – it completely sucked on a technical level, yet everyone watched it because they didn’t know what good TV was yet and there was no alternative.

      So the Chinese are really just funding these garbage mainstream movies and there’s no actual consequences to Hollywood making garbage.

  • ScottMintred

    Rich Evans has a face made for radio, and a voice made for telegrams.

    • http://www.treerockcreations.com Tree Rock Creations

      So, I guess you are not gonna watch the movie Space Cop when they release it?

  • hulkster

    As much as I can’t stand the writing duo of Orci/Kurtzman, I have to defend them and point out that none of the Spiderman movies have been very strong in the story/plot department. Starting with Raimi’s original. What’s Norman Osborn’s big diabolical scheme? Dunno, it seems to be just to pick on Spiderman and give him crap. Part 2) Why is Doc Ock building another fusion reactor? To help the Russians or Chinese? Nope, he’s just noodling around building a reactor in a perfectly discoverable waterfront warehouse while Peter ambles around trying to give up being Spiderman. Don’t have to bring up the aimlessness of Spiderman 3. So in that regard ASM 2 is following a time honored Spiderman movie tradition of terrible, lazy plot lines.

    • RawBeard

      I think Doc Ock’s motivation was alright… after the accident he was hell bent on building another fusion reactor to show that he was right and it does work, ignoring the fact building a bigger one could kill everyone. For me out of all the villains it was the better plot.

      • hulkster

        Well, “better” compared to those other lightweights is faint praise. I come from the school of thought that the villain should actually know what he’s doing.

  • RawBeard

    Amazing Spider-Man 2 had the best onscreen version of Spider-Man. He was perfectly portrayed and acted the way I wanted to see Spider-Man. But the god awful plot just ruined this film.

    • hulkster

      Agreed. I like how Webb portrayed Spidey as a believable NY institution. Unlike Raimi with his jack-hammer to the brain “Spider-Jesus” approach. (Though I could’ve done without ASM 2′s final scene with the kid and the Rhino. Yeesh that was bad.)

  • imahexagon

    That rich evans monologue was pure GOLD.

  • Veteran of the Psychic Wars

    Based on this review, Transcendence sounds exactly like a Nolan joint, right down to the forced twist. I know he didn’t direct this (just executive-produced it), and between this and Man of Steel, I guess Nolan is a brand now. Oh well. Could be worse, could be Shyamalan.

  • Derpship Down

    Mike is wearing a Spiderman shirt under his uniform, Brilliant Mike,,, brilliant. A man crush has begun, I’ve been watching for years and it has been a long time coming but it truly started at “Artistic license, come on now” The scrunched eyebrows sold it.
    I see you keeping the boys on the rails… drag those subplots back into play Mike. Love it, RLM needs the subplots, without them its like watching Spiderman itself. stick to your vision Mike… STICK TO YOUR VISION. Subplots make reviews worth watching. Plinket Star Wars review…. nuff said.

    I am amazed you went all the way to NYC and all you got was that crap stock footage though…. snickers

  • Derpship Down

    Director of Photography = DP
    Guy in charge of cameras.
    Clear?

  • TapewormBike

    Well, either the cinematography guy or Chris´s deep penetration pal. His name does include the word “fister”.

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  • 24601

    This is not knocking them — but when I saw the trailer for “not that” SpiderMan2, I thought of RedLetterMedia and what their review would be. I think I got pretty close. Dumb pointless action, stuff shoved in for no apparent reason, hokey artistic choices, etc etc etc

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  • https://twitter.com/FlapjackRiley FlapjackRiley

    That’s because Sony hasn’t become an eponym in the way that Apple products have. It’s commonplace these days for people to refer to all smartphones as iPhones or laptops as Macbooks whether they are the actual Apple product or not. That’s just how we as a society have adjusted to technology where Apple is one of the most dominate companies when it comes to phones and computers. In the same way that we refer to Kleenex as the word for tissues or Coke as a substitute for soda.

    Here, Sony wants to remind you that the film you’re watching is Sony by putting it’s studio/product name first and foremost before the opening credits of the movie and being the last thing at the end of the credits (this is true, I work in a movie theater and saw the credits for TASM2 many times).

    • Peterminator

      I have to disagree. Only the apple fanbase refers to smartphones as iphones and I have yet to witness someone calling any random notebook a macbook.
      I also don’t get your other point: Are you also complaining when WB or Universal slap their logo at the begining and ending of the movies they payed for?
      Of course Sony will put their own electronic devices in the movie they financed. Shure some of the placements were a little in your face but so is a glowing apple logo.
      You know that everytime you see the apple logo somewhere on screen apple payed for that to happen. If not the production company will cover it up with a sticker like I have seen sometimes allready. Apple is a product placement juggernaut when it comes to movies and tv-shows and I am often frustrated with that. I never heard the guys here complain about any apple product placement and I bet you at least half of the movies they reviewed have them in there.
      It seemed like they just wanted to give the movie a beating (best illustrated when they slam the web-hand thing where Mike seems to realize what is happening and backpeddals a little bit). Normally there is a bit of ambiguity opinionwise before the final verdict (sometimes it’s also in that), but here they are just shitting on it from start to finish. I didn’t like that at all.

      • https://twitter.com/FlapjackRiley FlapjackRiley

        Well the difference between Warner Bros and Universal is that those are exclusively movie studios whereas Sony has multiple divisions besides their movies. However there is no difference in seeing the Sony logo as there is seeing the Warner Bros logo, but it just came across as much more blatant placement. If Apple had an entertainment subsidiary, you bet your butt there would be Apple product placement all over the place. But I think in the case of this review, they were harping on Sony because they were already upset with the movie. Just more fuel to the fire. It seems like they went into the movie not expecting to like it and came out hating it even more. Which is unfair but that happens.

      • https://twitter.com/FlapjackRiley FlapjackRiley

        Well the difference between Warner Bros and Universal is that those are exclusively movie studios whereas Sony has multiple divisions besides their movies. However there is no difference in seeing the Sony logo as there is seeing the Warner Bros logo, but it just came across as much more blatant placement. If Apple had an entertainment subsidiary, you bet your butt there would be Apple product placement all over the place. But I think in the case of this review, they were harping on Sony because they were already upset with the movie. Just more fuel to the fire. It seems like they went into the movie not expecting to like it and came out hating it even more. Which is unfair but that happens.

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  • Alex Lee

    I wonder which one is The Best of the Worst. My vote is for Transcendence because it’s not insulting to its audience, just a mistake of Nolan’s DP. The Amazing Spiderman 2 is so slimy, stupid, and incoherent. Note that I didn’t even bother italicizing the title of movies that I don’t think of as movies.

  • Mike Jakermen

    I haven’t seen Transcendence. But i don’t mind Johnny Deep. He is very good at playing eccentric character. Which is why i think he was the best guy to play Ed Wood. Its probably my favorite Tim Burton Film.

  • Derpship Down

    I think you replied to the wrong person, yeah?

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  • ElCamino

    Hey Mike! I just thought I’d take a minute out of your busy schedule to let you know that Roberto Orci, that fucking hack douchbag writer of some of the worst movies of all time, is set to direct the third Star Trek movie! Enjoy, you hack-fraud! By which, I mean: don’t fucking watch the next Star Trek movie!

    • Alex Lee

      Or at least don’t pay to see it.

  • James Andersen

    I think Mike should have said “Paul Giamatti in his greatest role since Thunderpants.”

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  • bassbait

    Can we please just have a superhero movie that cuts out all the useless crap? Like, no more origin stories, no more “hey look we have 8 villains”, no more love interest or threatening of loved ones “OH MAN LOOK OUT THEY GOT MY GIRLFRIEND NOW IM MAD”. None of that. Let’s just see Spider-man take on a villain. My vote is Carnage. Carnage wreaks havoc because he’s crazy and evil and Spider-man tries to stop him. Make it a cat and mouse game I don’t care. Keep it fast and fun and coherent. No more dark crap, no more emotional crap, no more relationship crap.

    • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd
      • bassbait

        Nice try but I said no more dark crap!!! My stool is dark.

        • Alex Lee

          “I don’t know what he knows about interior decorating.”

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  • Pit-Pat

    Mike’s comments about Johnny Depp are, iffy to me. While I’m not sure how hard Depp has been pushing himself to test his acting range in the last decade or so, I think for Mike to say that he’s never been good in anything is not true. I’m sure that given more time to think about it he would agree that his comments regarding Johnny Depp were very impulse driven

    • ElCamino

      You could say that about many of Mike “This Is The Worst Movie I’ve Ever Seen” Stoklasa’s opinions

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  • Freak #1

    I’m surprised at how much they disliked Transcendence.
    The movie had problems. But most of those problems were due to either budget, or how deeply conceptual the script was. It is a little shocking that this movie ever got made.

    I’m going to make an assumption here. I think they, and most audiences, were so totally confused because most people aren’t aware of the theoretical potential of nano-technology. The idea is that if you can make small enough machines, they can devour existing molecules and re-order them into pretty much whatever you want. You can build microscopic motors and engines. Tiny nano-tubes can act like air jets and give things this size of dust motes the capability of guided flight. Crazy crap like that.

    They were smart enough to not try to explain this stuff to the audience, because once they started, the movie would have been 2 hours of exposition.

    Like I said the movie had problems. Trying to destroy a bunker 5 miles underground with mortars? Using mortars at all? Trying to wipe out such a serious threat to human existence with a force of about 10 people? When he suddenly **SPOLIERS** only has enough power to fix her or upload her, not both? This stuff was stupid. But the movie put across genuinely complex ideas.
    What would a human consciousness take with it to the next level? How much of what we think of as humanity would it retain? Would it still feel love or allegiance? What would be it’s sense of purpose? Could we ever be confident enough of its motives to allow it to wield such godlike power over us?

    This film doesn’t have heroes or villains, it just has a story. The majority of good Sci-fi is flawed in one way or another. If it isn’t, it’s usually pretty simplistic and action based. This isn’t a masterpiece, but it’s worth a watch.

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  • RRB

    So the first amazing Spider-Man film was made to keep the film rights from reverting back to Marvel and the 2nd one was about proving that Jamie Foxx ain’t a badass…right? The first one has identity issues, it wants to look like the dark knight yet have lots of Marvel fun but they still take the piss out of goofy things like having a villain called the lizard, why be ashamed? Least the Raimi ones had the press come up with the villains names, which is good way of making that work without being ashamed that you have goofy character names but the Raimi films are more silver age spidey than modern age, which is why Venom doesn’t belong in those. The reboot and it’s sequel are…pretty stupid! What with Peter Parker coming off as a asshole, who shouldn’t be able to afford new Sony electrical goods, to characters intentions being all over the place. The 2nd film has some nice spidey moments, I like it when he has a cold but overall the story is all mixed up. They should get Woody Allen to direct the next one and clone a young Tom Hanks to be Peter Parker and then resurrect Bruce Lee for when Spider-Man is on screen, they’ve got the money to do that kind of shit now, make it happen yo!

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  • PhantomDennis

    Hey Mike and Jay.

    Just because he’s your only friend doesn’t mean that you have to put Rich Evans in everything. You can always go out and make more friends.

    At the very least, and for the love of all that is goddamn holy, do a Google search for “sound recording phasing issues” and also pad Rich’s mic by about -10db so I don’t have to struggle to hear the two of you while getting my eardrums fucking shoved out the back of my skull by Rich.

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  • Bill Holt

    “we’re in New York now” music

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  • Alex Lee

    “Unfortunately, they have me drawing Little Orphan Annie. The black one.”

    That comic has also been made into a movie.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6IDBxKbsZU

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