Half in the Bag: The Mummy

June 10, 2017205 Comments

OMG Mike and Jay actually saw the Tom Cruise Mummy movie!


Filed in: Half in the Bag

  • Mike Magnum

    Im First, man. Im First.

    P.S. Adam West and Glenne Headly from the Warner Beatty’s Dick Tracy died today. Wow what a bummer.

  • This is one of the fastest turn arounds on a review ever for this site.
    Good work.

  • Bob

    So is it premature to say that The Mummy is a mashup of Lady Terminator and The Tomb?

  • DeL Keyes

    Screeners, or they’re doing thursday trips for immediate review banter.

  • Studio Executive

    Criticize the studio machinations all you want, but the bottom line is that this was easier than coming up with a new idea.

  • Luke

    Jesus. This movie isn’t THAT BAD! Tom Cruise elevates it. I think you guys just biasly hates Tom Cruise

  • Galactic Shawn

    I find that Tom “Apple Box” Cruise movies are hit or miss for me. I was hoping Mummy was more horror than action.

  • Kristaps Andrejsons

    I’m from Latvia. But I understand English well enough not to see this movie. You know, we “overseas” people, aren’t all idiots. Don’t blame this shit on us.

  • CyborgUnicorn

    Wasn’t the last Mummy film heavily marketed towards China as well? Does China really even like Mummy films?

    I will skip seeing this Mummy film in theaters looks a bit lackluster and I’m not a huge Cruise fan, The Mummy herself seems pretty cool though, what a shame. Dunno how I feel about Dr Jekyll being in it, also him being Nick Fury, wtf, I don’t even like Jekyll that much. Seems like they’re making the same mistake as Van Helsing trying to grow too quickly too interconnected. Plus wtf was up with that announcement that the Hunchback of Notre Dam and Phantom of the Opera are part of the group? That’s just too much. I had a great time at Dracula Untold and The Wolfman from a few years back with Benicio and Hopkins, as well as the 90’s Frankenstein and Dracula films along with all the rest so I’ll be reading about what Universal has going on for these horror icons, I’m especially curious about new Invisible Man and Creature of the Black Lagoon but, I make no promises. If they’re just gonna keep pumping out LXG level crap then they’re wasting time chasing phantom viewers imo.

  • ZB4e1

    Not enough “yeah”s in this video.

  • Casey D. Mann

    My friend went to see it last night. I refused to go. He hated it.

  • Holy crap I didn’t even hit refresh to see this one my friend linked it to me. Hell has frozen over.

  • Cirric Fylenco

    If the culture itself believed in curses and magic powers of the dead, how is it insulting to them to acknowledge that…and actually play like it was true? Besides that, who gives a damn about being racist towards a culture that doesn’t even exist anymore? Only white people give a damn about things like that, grow some balls. If the Muslims in Egypt care so much about the people whose land they stole that they might be offended, maybe they would have done the archaeology rather than wait for white people to come along and do it.

  • Devil_Dinosaur

    It was incoherent to you because you’re not very bright. That’s also why you’re defending this movie. You will never believe me, though, because you’re too stupid to know how stupid you are. Perhaps, if you accepted it, though, you’d have the humility to give things that are challenging a try, instead of praising garbage pitched to your level.

  • Devil_Dinosaur

    What kind of name is “Cirric?” I hope for your sake you made it up and people don’t actually have to call you that.

  • Chomiq

    Movies get dubbed over in many European countries, it’s cheaper to get one guy doing the voiceover in a scene with multiple redundant character than to arrange multiple actors to dub voices in that single scene. That’s it.
    Mike and Jay simply said that people oversees don’t know English that well, they didn’t say they are idiots.

  • schnook

    Explaining things over and over because of the foreign market doesn’t make any sense. Those who don’t speak engish and watch Hollywood movies watch them with subtitles or a dubbed version.

  • Michel

    What’s up with “Rich Evans” in the end titles? He wasn’t in the episode. You guys are like those corporate sellouts you so despise!

  • Chomiq

    He was, he was the Invisible Man.

  • I don’t think they were blaming it on people from other countries as much as blaming it on corporate committees run by old men thinking that they understand what other countries want to see. Just like mass American audiences will seemingly eat up certain types of material, it’s entirely possible that there’s a general audience market yet to be properly locked down in different cultures, and that they might respond differently to different things – and I think they are trying to get a handle on it without putting the actual effort into understanding their audience – which is apparently “the whole world” or at least every country with movie theaters in it. Evidence points to their perception of the matter to be incredibly reductive.

  • Michel

    Don’t confuse me with facts.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Are zombies anti-Catholic cuz they don’t burn their dead?

  • TitusAndronicusForever

    Jay beware!
    the cake is a lie.
    the cake is a lie.
    the cake is a lie.
    the cake is a lie

  • Mendoza

    I love the nervous laughter for every one of Mikes jokes and the silence for Jay’s efforts. It’s almost like a real life abusive relationship!

  • TitusAndronicusForever

    That plane crash sequence without propper sound effects reminds me of “musicless musicvideos” by Mario Wienerroither. These are hilarious, check out his youtube-channel!

  • Mendoza

    Dick Tracy is crying out for a fan edit, there is a solid movie in there somewhere

  • TrollPrince : White Sharia

    This movie was just as good as “Wonder Woman”, and slightly less safe and focus-grouped as Marvel movies. It more like a 60% and not 17%.

    You hack frauds are getting too meta about it all. Take the movie for what it is, not what it is a part of. If you want to get meta about it then go back and review TFA.

  • Kristaps Andrejsons

    Over here, only kids stuff, mostly animated movies, get dubbed. We have subs for everything else. Also, and I’d like to point this out: I pirated Space Cop because these hack frauds don’t ship to Latvia.

  • Urdus

    people considered it graverobbery. they know now they can make money by showing (and selling) artifacts of their ancient history but just imagine muslims or chinese people digging around on our graveyards.

  • Yeah.

  • Dracula Untold was a surprisingly watchable movie. I mean – it was essentially action schlock but I remember it being enjoyable schlock. It felt kind of like a comic book movie or something – so it probably would’ve been fitting for an action-adventure universe but apparently it’s unrelated?

  • sepiajack

    That’s in a nutshell – Terminator… whichever one was the last one, it tanked in North America but did big numbers in Asia. vice versa with the recent Star Wars – I remember back in 1989 when Batman was a big hit, reading how in NA it was out performing Indiana Jones and the last crusade, but internationally it’s the opposite. Hollywood will market garbage any way they can – and they know that NA audiences might be easier to trick into a certain kind of terrible, where as other countries may see through that but be enticed by another brand of terrible

  • sepiajack

    I like Jay’s suggestion a lot about how to make a low budget joined horror universe – I suppose another approach (or additional approach) they could have taken with rebooting the Mummy if they wanted to avoid the pitfalls Mike noted was to reverse the premise the way the newer Planet of the Apes movies have. The original PotA is mostly ‘an ordinary man, trapped by terrible talking apes!! oh my!” but the newer ones make the apes the heroes and POV characters, and the humans are the threat. There’s probably a way to make a Mummy movie where the Mummy is the POV character. Maybe if you want to play the same beats from this version of a lady Mummy who was supposed to be pharaoh but then got usurped by a younger brother, her father has buried alive and she awakens centuries later and has to fight evil British man or 1930s tomb raiders or something as a sort of superhero/horror movie monster hybrid? I dunno – but anything would have been more ambitious than the way this movie seems to be made

  • This seems more like the type of vehicle you’d give to Nicolas Cage – not that he’d be “good” in the role – but it’s just the sort of film you’d give to an aging actor with a low/non-existent standards for the part they play in this. Cruise seems a little odd because he was just in some pretty popular movies – Cage on the other hand basically takes anything anyone throws at him – which can mean anything from Redbox to a modestly budgeted wide-release.

  • sepiajack

    I mentioned this in the Patreon comments as well – but I think a factor here is that Tom Cruise was semi-attached to play Ironman/Tony Stark for many years, and then ultimately passed on the role and so Marvel had to look elsewhere and went with Robert Downey JR (who was mostly considered washed up at the time) it turned out to be a big mistake for Cruise (though one could easily argue that Ironman / MCU might not have taken off the way it did if Cruise had played Stark instead of RDjr) and I think he really regrets this decision, so this was a chance for him to get in on the ground floor of another cinematic universe, and as Mike suggested probably get a producer credit and piece of the larger pie.

  • sepiajack

    They’ve already reviewed TFA in mulitple formats – and addressed the point about it ‘ripping off ANH’ and that that is not the only consideration

  • TrollPrince : White Sharia

    Then it should have been for this movie. But a guess… LIGHTSTHABERZTH

  • Sounds a little bit like “Shredz”.

  • Spoiled Ants

    “You hack frauds are getting too meta about it all. Take the movie for what it is, not what it is a part of. ”

    There are probably hundreds of boring-ass Mummy reviews out of on Youtube, and here is one that dives a little bit deeper into the background surrounding the making of this picture. That’s exactly why most people here like Half in the Bag (that and their weird man-crush on some RLM members), so I don’t really get what your point is.

  • TrollPrince : White Sharia

    Is anyone unaware of the background of this movie?

    Were you? Do they get meta about Marvel?

    They seem to be selective about what they think is an acceptable level of cliche and recycling.

    And I’ve been watching this shit a lot longer than you, son. I promise you that.

  • Ret Marut

    Really guys? Why bother?

    Hey Jay, recall your comments in the Fire Walk With Me review regarding the great music form the Pink Room scene? What did you think of the scene in the Road House in Episode 5? Awesome eh? The music, the girls, Frank Booth Jr. Don’t lie Jay, I KNOW you loved it as much as I do.

  • Adez

    Just when did China give a crap about old 30s American horror movies? Universal might as well make a new franchise, because aside horror nerds, not much people care about these movies

  • Adez

    Jay too old to understand that reference

  • Spoiled Ants

    Well, the good thing about the Universal shared universe is that I finally am looking forward for a Johnny Depp performance.

    *slidewhistle*

    (While his last 15 years of acting consisted of randomly choosing a silly hat and getting drunk on set. This is finally it. He will push acting to the next level by impersonating a silly hat and nothing else. He’s gonna andyserkins’ the shit out of that Greenscreen performance.)

  • sepiajack

    It IS for this movie – that’s what they’re getting at, as they have consistently done for all reviews – if there’s nothing else to invest in a movie, most specifically characters that engage the viewer then all the other nitpicky stuff (plot holes, poor VFX, etc) rises to the surface and sticks out – a lot of that stuff is forgivable or irrelevant if a movie is sufficiently entertaining, and has characters we care about. Something just being ‘a ripoff’ of something else isn’t inherently bad if it has other virtues and is a proper movie – Mad Max Fury Road hardly re-invented the wheel in terms of mad max movie plots, but its execution is strong, and we care about whats going on.

  • Pulp

    This is actually also an issue in Europe, with archaeology viewing the Catholic Church and their legacy as something at their disposal.

  • TrollPrince : White Sharia

    TFA is on the same level. I just think they saw lightsabers for the first time in 10 years and lost their mind. I think they need to revisit.

  • Knight_ldr

    Susan: “Fuck mummies is what I say!”

    Susan’s MILF fetish confirmed!

  • Spoiled Ants

    Seriously, I didn’t know about the Universal shared universe thing. I don’t visit movie sites as often anymore as I used to, I just stopped caring about this shit a long time ago.
    What I do like is watching entertaining reviews like Mike & Jay’s. And if they go Meta, I just wish they would do it more often.

    I think they have to adress that Marvel created a new system of marketing films/creating franchises. Never do they say that they love Marvel movies or their methods. But it is a fact that Marvel is making a lot of money with it’s current business model. And it’s just a correct observation that other studios are trying to ape that same model with underwhelming results because they focus on quantity instead of quality. So yeah, that’s some interesting context, probably more interesting than the movie itself because I will never ever bother to watch it.

    PS: my mother has been watching this shit longer than you, son.
    So there, the dick contest is over.

  • TrollPrince : White Sharia

    Doubt your mother ever watch RLM. If so then that is weird.

    They loved GOTG2. Raved about it. And it’s much more generically recycled and stupid than “The Mummy”.

    Of course you’ll never watch it. They told you it sucked.

  • Endless Trash

    I’m hoping Jay and that other guy come back to review more Twin Peaks (Season 3, of course). Maybe in 3-4 episode chunks.

  • Spoiled Ants

    On blockbusters there’s rarely a case where a critic’s opinion changed my mind, either I’m interested in the topic or I ain’t. I never watched the old Universal films when I was a kid and the “new” ones look pretty derivative so I was never interested in it to begin with. On Jurassic World and Alien Covenant everybody was screaming from their lungs (critics and friends) that they are bad movies but I still went out to see them. Sometimes out of sheer curiosity or because I’m fond of the first movie of that franchise.
    On Guardians 2 most people said it was good, but since I hated the first one I didn’t see the point of watching it’s sequel.

    The only little gripe I have with Half in the Bag is that they should review more indie films/Netflix films etc. to bring more attention to those smaller films so we can support quality for once.

  • Spoiled Ants

    Did you guys make sure to get rid of any ghosts in the movie, this time?
    You gotta remove those pickles if you wanna serve the shit-sandwich to China.

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    ‘The Invisible Man’ will be 90 minutes of a goofy hat floating drunkenly from scene to scene.

    I’ll just rewatch the Chevy Chase ‘Invisible Man’ film, myself.

  • Kaingerc

    the third mummy film seemed to have been more geared towards China than this film.
    It had Chinese mummiesliving statues in it and an evil mummy Jet Li.

    though it didn’t have Rachel Weisz returning so it automatically sucked (I mean, why even bother without her?).

  • davidt

    Instead of Crowe/Jekel being the Jackson/Fury connector to the movies, maybe they should get Bob and Jay as Abbott and Costello.

  • sepiajack

    I agree, this is the case of the story behind the film being more interesting than the film itself

  • DRP103

    All these A-list actors have to either start acting in big dumb ridiculous franchise movies like Star Trek, Star Wars (the best one, not really dumb….yet), Marvel, DC, Etc. or NOT work at all. This is the environment now.

    If they want to be taken seriously as actors (they say they do but they don’t (money)), they’ll move over to TV – HBO Netflix AMC or the like. Brad Pitt was recently on Netflix with a new movie. Brian Cranston is a GOD because of TV. Robin Williams started out on TV before becoming a Screen Legend. Now the opposite is about to happen. Make your mark on TV (streaming) instead….

  • I liked Life Force when I was a kid – haven’t seen it in years though. Was actually kind of surprised to learn it was a Canon film – cause I don’t remember it being the type of terrible I’ve come to expect from them. I suppose they had a couple “classics” though other than that.

  • KarmikCykle

    Hey, that’s not entirely true. That’s an unfair generalization. In Fantastic Beasts, he had silly hair instead of a hat.

  • gopher00000

    Hey…I’m starting to think you guys enjoy making fun of bad movies!…

  • EJ

    Also Nic Cage can actually make super-corny dialogue fun.

    Especially now that he’s getting older, Cruise needs to play more sleazy villains. Magnolia, Interview with the Vampire, Tropic Thunder – he’s almost always great when he does that.

  • frankelee

    That they give Alex Kurtzman money is one of those things that we’ll look back and realize made it obvious this was a Ponzi scheme run by the reptile people from inside the Matrix all along.

  • Movie Wan Kenovie

    Three comments for you Facks:
    1) You had kind of a go at Johnny Depp. Good for you! Could it possibly be you are actually reading our comments???
    2) Tom Cruise should be playing Dorian Gray instead of the Mummy.
    3) Looking forward to watching The Bride of Plinkett.

  • sepiajack

    RLM first came to popular attention, and is still primarily known to a lot of people because of the Plinkett reviews of the prequels – it would have been the easiest and safest thing in the world for them to trash TFA to the nth degree to make malignant nerds happy

  • They’ve always made fun of Johnny Depp.

  • EJ

    I agree – it’s fairly corny and the vfx don’t really hold up, but it’s a step above the usual Cannon garbage.

  • sepiajack

    I rewatched it recently – it’s kind of a uniquely glorious mess – in some ways amazing, but it’s tone is so all over the place kind of rendering it a movie for nobody – too dark and violent for kids, too goofy and colorful to be taken seriously – it’s like the Sin City movie was turned inside out

  • sepiajack

    As noted in this video – it appears to be confirmed that this movie floundered at the NA box office this weekend, but has already recouped it’s budget overseas.

  • EJ

    The StSanders “shreds” videos are the best youtube videos ever made.

  • EJ

    They obviously watch more than just comic book blockbusters, but whenever they review one half the comments are “when are you hacks gonna review [latest Marvel/DC/Disney product]?!?!?” I think they main reason they review these things is they’re sadly aware their core audience is a bunch of irredeemable nerds.

  • EJ

    I think you’re confusing Catholicism with Hinduism. They’re pretty similar, it’s an easy mistake to make.

  • EJ

    I do think there’s a big market in Asia for loud, corny spectacle right now. I don’t mean in any way that Asian audiences are dumber than western ones, just that their tastes are different. A lot of my Desi friends love big-budget Bollywood movies, and it’s not that they don’t realize how over-the-top and silly they usually are, but for them the cheesy melodrama is in fact part of their charm.

  • Movie Wan Kenovie

    Methinks half-life in the bag…

  • EJ

    It’s more like it’s the lowest common denominator. It’s why American comedies rarely do well in Asia – it’s not that Asian audiences are dumb, it’s just that most humor, especially verbal humor, is just too culturally specific. Whereas anyone can understand basic action movie tropes.

  • EJ

    I’ve always found it funny that in German speaking countries, they don’t get Arnold Schwarzenneger to dub his characters into German, there’s another guy that regularly does it. Because Arnold is from a little town outside of Graz, Austria, and while to Americans his accent sounds tough and menacing, to German-speakers he just sounds like a hick.

  • Admiral Bone-to-Pick

    An excellent and entertaining review. Thank you.

  • DanceOfBirther

    Up past your bedtime, gramps?

  • Cirric Fylenco

    Its a college nickname. I doubt Devil Dinosaur is on your birth certificate son.

  • DanceOfBirther

    Lisa Palenica, director of Isis Rising: Curse of the Lady Mummy, should also sue for negative monies.

  • Admiral Bone-to-Pick

    Oh my god. Just googled it. That’s a real movie!!

  • Movie Wan Kenovie

    Sure, we all remember HITB Lone Ranger, but how could they possibly miss Pirates?

  • sepiajack

    It was the movie that year for me where every single time I went to the theatre I had that trailer… over and over and over again that even if I had had some interest in watching it I just felt sick of it by the time it came out.

    The trailer was also odd in that its the only one I can think of where the title card came up early in the trailer instead of at the end

  • TrollPrince : White Sharia

    Yes, because only old, uncool people notice inconsistencies.

  • DanceOfBirther

    A real, really bad movie. It’s not even BotW worthy; on the same level as D.B. Cooper vs. Bigfoot.

  • Stantz

    Question: I have a pass to my local cinema, meaning I can see as many films as I gosh-darned like as many times as I want, for the price of about 1.5 adult tickets a month. If I’ve got a spare 2 hours, a handful of tasty snacks and I’ve already seen everything else they’ve got on, should I go and see this anyway, just to say I’ve seen it?

  • Well they generally refer to him as “the man who wears funny hats” – it’s been a running joke for awhile. They admire him as a performer, not an actor. I think he’s got some chops but his choice of movies for the past decade or so have more or less been in the “silly hats” department, and that’s basically Pirates in a nutshell – so basically they already reviewed Pirates. It’s Johnny Depp acting eccentric and drunk in funny hats.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    It depends if you’re on a train going east at 45 mph vs. a train going west at 60 mph.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    At least Tom Cruise had the common courtesy to give moviegoers a Jack Reacher Round.
    **sees self out**

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I thought the man who wore silly hats was The Pope?
    **rim shot**

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Occam’s Razor FTW!

  • j main

    Stumbled across this site. Last time ever. These guys are so boring. Thanks for wasting 15 minutes of my life.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Do you go to rock concerts just to boo the band?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Hey look! A Mummy review by those chums on Collider!
    **puts nickel-plated Desert Eagle into mouth, fires**

  • Pop Culture Reference

    And the US Senate investigating intelligence leaks.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Zombies are anti-Catholic because they go after priests who abuse children.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Alternative facts?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Reminds of that famous poem:

    Here’s to dear old Boston,
    Home of the bean and the Cod,
    Where the Lowells speak only to Devil Dinosaurs,
    And the Devil Dinosaurs speak only to God.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Mock-

  • TrollPrince : White Sharia

    I don’t know what that means.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    What about the Latvian fake Twitter bots?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Of course you wouldn’t.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I’d make a joke about American politics, but that’s too easy at this point. Take it easy on Eric Trump. He doesn’t understand how words work.

  • TrollPrince : White Sharia

    Stow your smugness. It’s totally irrelevant to the conversation. You just want to talk about politics. But you don’t have enough material. Go watch TV.

  • It might actually be worse than Hollow Man. *shudder*

  • It takes you 15 minutes to realize you aren’t enjoying a 30 minute video? It’s not like watching a movie where you have to wait to see if the plot pays off.

  • Cirric Fylenco

    Famous poem? Famous from where?

  • Cirric Fylenco

    You cant portray an ancient culture in a bad light, unless its white people, Stoklasa? Since when did someone in the movie or writing business become pro-sensorship? You should be ashamed of yourself to come right out and say “you cant”. Its not even a law. Since when is walking on eggshells the American way?

  • j main

    Not if I like the band. Kind of a silly question. Normally only go to concerts where I like the band.

  • kylemz

    I’m guessing you’re not an American, or you haven’t lived here in the past 20 years?

  • Mike Magnum

    Yeah its not a great film. But i do like how they actually tried too recreated the looks to every villian as they appeared in the comic strip. I don’t know if they succeeded. But its interesting that they tried. Now a days they probably would have CGI everything. I kinda prefer the Dick Tracy movies from the 1940’s. The one with Boris Karloff is especially entertaining.

  • Thanatos

    Why is the intro cut short!?

  • Kristaps Andrejsons

    Mostly paid Russian trolls from St. Petersburg, meddling in our stuff. Been happening for years.

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    Wow, I totally forgot about that movie. I mean, it’s totally been blocked away inside my head. And now unearthed with the reading of your reply… like a mummy let out of a tomb of crap.

    And now I suddenly recall watching Hollow Man 2, with… Christian Slater? Is that right? Wow, it was a tomb full of crap.

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    He’ll impersonate a spouse-abusing floating hairpiece, then.

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    The Egyptians were white, though. Even before they were taken over by the Macedonians/Greeks.

  • That music is played by a one-off band called Trouble, and that noisy lead guitarist? Lynch’s son.

    Frank Booth Jr is a good nickname for the character we’re both thinking of, but in light of last night’s events maybe no longer accurate.

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    In 10 years, movies will be of two varieties: those made for China, and those made for American/West European audiences. Some films already have major edits, new scenes, new dialogue, etc. just to better suit the Chinese censors and market tastes.

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    It’s almost a Hammer film. If you’ve ever seen one of the various ‘Quatermass and the Pit’ films, it’s very similar thematically.

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    At least the clay soldier army is an actual thing, with some genuine archeological interest. Unlike crystal skulls….

  • MoaKaka

    Mr. Plinkett should do a full-length review of this movie.

  • BCFC25

    Did Jay and Mr Plinkett seal the deal? Or does Mike need to keep giving them more cake?

  • Spoiled Ants

    yeah, it generates the most clicks on YT.
    I’m also not a big fan of the Nerd Crew videos but I get why it’s popular.

  • Bubs

    Yeah sorry, their videos usually have well thought out content – rather than the typical youtube memefest designed to keep the drooling ADHD generation entertained with moving pictures, cuts every .3 seconds, and references to Beyonce. Your presence will be sorely missed here.

  • sepiajack

    I don’t think Mike is saying that’s true, he’s saying this is probably the thought process the studio exec was using

  • Robotpals

    Holy carp! That “action monster” trailer was a real thing? I thought you guys had cobbled one together real quick, and I laughed harder at that than anything else in the review. AND IT’S REAL?!?

  • Chomiq

    Still, they were specifically talking about Chinese market.

  • Tommy Wiseau

    Many people have compared Tommy to a mummy, must be Tommy’s perfect skin.

  • Robotpals

    The same way they “can’t” show an interracial couple (i.e., Fantastic Four) unless that’s the whole point of the movie, and they usually both die at the end anyway. “Progressive” Hollywood, folks.

  • Brian Levine

    Here’s what is going to happen: each of these movies is going to make okay to respectable (not great) money, enough to keep it going, and then by the 4th film, the director will actually get enough leeway to make a decent movie, and everyone will shout “they’ve saved the entire franchise!”

  • j main

    Your comment is much more interesting than what I saw. Thanks, but no thanks to these guys.

  • Jean-François Martel

    good writers might have been able to do something like what Mike is describing when talking about Temple of Doom… sadly, we got whoever was writing this trainwreck so whatever they ended up doing was gonna be a disaster.

  • EJ

    Fair enough, I forgot about Bloodsport.

  • Gerald Potterton

    So is The Mummy review coming nex.. oh nevermind.

  • Joe Syxpac

    No Plinkett in this episode.

  • Black Santa

    Victor Franken-fuckin-stein

  • Brian Levine

    Shut up, Rich Evans! Not their fault you had a Nintendo Convention to attend this weekend.

  • Brian Levine

    I loved “Finding Nevermind”.

  • Michel

    Dang! Some time ago everything led to Hitler soon, now it’s Trump.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Abbott and Costello are canon in the Universal Monsters ‘verse.

  • Get da fuck out den ya punkass fool

  • You just explained the irony he was hinting at. You felt the need to comment in this webzone.

  • RLMkeepitup

    hollywood has adopted the overall american model of corporate control risk prevention

  • No he’s just not into video games. People in their late 20s get it – why wouldn’t some people in their 30s?

  • j main

    Of course I commented. These guys are annoying. They are bland as fnck and I was waiting for something good.

  • j main

    Sorry snowflake. I’ll get you an ice cream cone and you can feel better.

  • j main

    What is a Nintendo Convention? And more importantly, who cares?

  • EJ

    The stories of all these charlatans in the 19th century making crystal skulls and passing them off as antiquities is more interesting than any supposed mystical quality they allegedly possess.

  • Officer Meow Meow Fuzzyface

    Tom Cruise should be PLAYING ‘The Mummy’ with how terribly he’s aged. Yikes.

  • EJ

    Nerd Crew was funny as a one-off. But they’ve made, what, 4 of them now? Yeah, we get it, Collider sucks. That’s why I watch RLM instead of them.

  • GlennBryant

    I’ll recommend sticking with the 1999 film, and continue playing the 1971 board game, Voice of The Mummy.

  • sepiajack

    I know! I rewatched the episode last night with my wife and when it got to the dark universe montage she turned to me and said “this can’t be real” and me thinking I knew what I was talking about shook my head and said ‘no, no this is just a cheap recreation RLM made to make fun of it, like Mike’s ‘no look, look’ recreation example.

    Than this morning I figured I should check youtube for the actual thing to compare it to and discovered that it IS the real thing and is beyond terrible! I actually feel embarrassed that somebody paid money to produce that.

  • Imesseduptheemail

    They could easily make a mummy movie set in Egypt if they just ignore those whiny college students who weren’t going to see it anyway. They’re more likely to whine about the Semitic nation not being black because some idiot on youtube told them they were against all evidence than they are about the mummies themselves, anyway.

  • Strelnikov

    Blame Xenu.

  • bernverdnardo

    Was it really necessary to hire anyone to play the invisible man?

  • Officer Meow Meow Fuzzyface

    i always do.

  • Joe Syxpac

    At the very least they could save money by hiring someone ugly.

    Oh, wait.

  • david dallas

    I thought it was RLM made too!

  • Urdus

    should have been like the “Bela Lugosi-Dracula Tribute”.

  • Doctor John Smith

    Meh.. the movie!

  • Now you’re repeating yourself.

  • What, no dinner?

  • j main

    You need to be told twice. Once more if you need it.

  • Two plus two does not equal five.

  • Tell me again I forgot already.

  • EJ

    Mickey Rourke in Sin City actually looks a lot like Dick Tracy in the comic strip. Much more so than Warren Beatty.

  • Whovian

    I’m not sure how The Mummy could be racist against a long dead race of people. Not many people out there are worshiping Set and Anubis and whatnot these days.

  • Beltorchika

    This movie made me want to kill myself, except then I’d become a mummy, what I hate most

  • RedLetterMediumsDotCorn

    Can I ask the fine community here a question? Is anyone having trouble posting any text containing “Miscavige” to review websites?
    More specifically as it relates to the Mummy.
    Thank you!

  • Isn’t that how they said the movie ends? He’s a mummy now? There was an alarming lack of jokes regarding exactly what you just said though.

  • Brian Levine

    Local radio station Contest Time! I’m dialing. And the prize is…a 4 pack of tickets to go see The Mummy!

  • Robotpals

    There are still ethnic Egyptians in Egypt, but they an oppressed minority, and their ancient religion is still observed somewhat (the “Eyes of Horus” found sometimes on Egyptian boats).

  • Urdus

    Maybe because his friends turn into psychopath maniacs when you just mention their hobby with a bit of doubt in your voice… Unitology is so much cooler anyway. Altman be praised!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I want to know details about Jay’s date with Mr. Plinkett.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Don’t look at me. I’m Verdukian.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Fools! The Horus Heresy will triumph over the Emperor! All hail the Chaos Gods!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    They should have cast Clint Howard as the Invisible Man.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Too Big To Fail: the Movie.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    What are you getting at exactly? Your post is unclear.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    According to that Ridley Scott movie, they were all British.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Star Whatnow? Homer bowled a perfect game? NEW Mexico?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    So Tarkovsky-esque with a wee tad bit of homoeroticism thrown in?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Abbott and Costello In A Cannon is one of their underrated classics.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Alec Baldwin: Always Be Closing.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I’m not the one with “troll” in my name, sir.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Except Hitler knew what he doing and his hair was real. Not that I like that Austrian piker, I’m just stating a comparison.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    -ing!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    It’s like when Donald Trump said, “Где находится туалет?”

    Amirite, Comrade Commissar?

  • TrollPrince : White Sharia

    This is a name my girlfriend gave me. It’s not informative. It was either this or Grond.

  • So is Universal basically trying to do “League of Extraordinary Gentleman” but doing it even worse?

  • DanceOfBirther

    Yes.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    This isn’t the Boyhood thread.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    In the nude?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I like ice cream cones!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Unless it’s a high school textbook printed in Texas.

  • EJ

    Boyhood was good. But I did get a kick out of RLM’s hatred of it. In fact those are my favorite HitB reviews in general, when they totally despise a movie that I Iike.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    “Now you’re just trolling me.” — Alan Moore

  • Pop Culture Reference

    It probably was good, but the hype surrounding it was off the charts. Plus Linklater telling everyone within earshot how long it took to make the movie.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Your post sounds whiney.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    That was a great Nirvana album.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I’m not sure which is more distracting: your inability to spell or your inability to have a coherent thought?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    If you don’t like it, go away. No one is forcing you to watch this.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Especially if they are filled with vodka.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    He already did a parody of “The Art of the Deal.”

  • j main

    Gone and forgotten. Dipshit.

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