Half in the Bag: The Hobbit – The Battle of the Five Armies

December 22, 2014696 Comments

Jay and Mike talk about The third and final Hobbit film…. while sitting in a house on the bottom of a lake…


Filed in: Half in the Bag

  • stryker1121

    Will Jay and Mike deep-six Peter Jackson’s latest or surprise the world by not hating it? Click the link for more!

  • Sully

    Merry Richmas Eve Eve Eve, you filthy animals!

  • Wang Hungjer

    such movie
    very orc
    wow

  • the_great_laertes

    Man I don’t want to defend this movie too much, cause it is full of problems, but Mike was correct in taking the blame for not knowing what was going on– almost all of the parts Mike & Jay said they found confusing in this review are pretty clearly explained. . . . . .

  • Kenen

    Merry Christmas, Assholes! Don’t forget to fill your holiday with the lovly voice of Mr. Plinkett!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Npb-wAhmXJo

    It’s the same as last year, Mike and Jay didn’t bother making a new one, because they don’t fucking care!

  • Guest

    They should have just said fuck it, and put Tom Bombadil.

  • John Luck Pickerd

    Way to ruin your credibility PJ. They should have just said fuck it, and put Tom Bombadil in the movie.

  • livvw

    The weirdest feeling I got from this film was that it was the shortest of any of the middle earth movies yet it was so exhausting..

  • Michael Collins

    Half in the BAAAAAAAAAG……ooh, will watch later…

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    10th! YES!

    First double-digit comment.

    Thank Evans for our base-10 number system.

  • Uncle Dan

    I had a choice today between going to see this movie, or having a girl over for a movie.

    Thank gods I could watch Half in the Bag later to get the best of both worlds.

  • Mr. R

    Ah fuck it, sleep is for the weak anyway

  • the_great_laertes

    Well, mostly.

  • Qui-Gon Booze

    god damn it, i had xmas stuff to do tomorrow morning.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Aww. Jay’s hair looks so nice in this video.

  • Sully

    I was about to say the same thing. Something about being submerged for days on end has really done wonders.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Best of the Worlds

    A new show from RLM featuring Uncle Dan!

  • Whoa, buddy! Easy on the tonic!

  • Jegsimmons

    the mention that the orcs wanted it as a fortress so they had some ground in the north to wage their WAAAAAAR.

  • troof

    good episode guys. thanks! like dorothy gish said: “young man, you have got it!”

  • Let’s all go and watch Braindead instead.

  • Robby

    They should have just watched Heavenly Creatures twice. It would have been far more pleasurable.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I think the only way The Hobbit films can be compared to the Star Wars Prequels is the directors:

    George Lucas cares too little.
    Peter Jackson cares too much.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    on the third day of Richmas RLM gave to me….

  • Michael Collins

    Spoiler alert!
    North Korea could never have seen Mr Plinket’s post cause Obomba nuked their webzone.

    HA!!!

  • Uncle Dan

    Is it creepy to know the Plinkett reviews so well that even subtle references like “The elves cut them down like butter, so they’re pretty useless” and “It’s working, it’s WORKING!” aren’t lost on me?

    I write this here because the rest of you are probably the same.

  • Boehm

    So did anyone see this in high frame rate? What did you think?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I know the references so well that they generate an eye roll at this point.

  • Uncle Dan

    Half in the Best of the Worst?

  • stryker1121

    Well I’m going to have see this shitheap this week.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Don’t. We were ‘forced’ to watch it in HFR because a whole bunch of kids on a school field trip were watching The Battle of the Five Armies in regular 2D. Even with IMAX, there’s just so much that you can’t really focus on. All the dwarves have this weird golden glow to them, even when they’re no where near the gold. Large fields turn into giant blurs because the cameras jerk around so fast. Sauron’s eye seizures were too much for me to take and I had to look away. It’s just not worth it for the money spent.

  • Joss

    A fairly entertaining but mostly pointless review. They didn’t rewatch the first two films which established the characters and the plot, of course they had no idea what was going on and weren’t invested in any of it. At the end of the day they just don’t like these films (and fair enough, a 9 hour movie about a bunch of dwarves walking to a mountain isn’t going to be to everyone’s taste) so there is very little for them to say about it; I’d struggle to say anything interesting about Failure to Launch or Halloween 7 for the same reasons. But it’s clear this review was made because they had to say something, not because they had anything to say.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Did you ask her to join your Hobbit hole? I mean, it says that line works on the back of the box!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    “Failure to Launch” is actually the prequel to “Interstellar”. Matthew McConaughey plays the same character. In fact, in Interstellar, he has nightmares of the crash that happens in Failure to Launch.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Well, do we need them all the time for this? Let em drink some Gin splashed with Tonic and take a breather. What did everyone here think of these movies?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I think I’ll be sad if my friends force me to watch them. I can see their appeal, but they definitely don’t lie within my range of interests.

  • Where’s Paul Verhoeven?

    Its gonna be great?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    generate an eye roll
    an eye roll
    eye roll
    roll
    spin
    spinning
    try spinning
    I’ll try spinning
    “I’ll try spinning – that’s a good trick!”

  • Where’s Paul Verhoeven?

    Also by awful studio execs trying to grind every penny from the series, why make two movies that make two billion, when you can make three?

  • Where’s Paul Verhoeven?

    Its working, its working.

  • Uncle Dan

    Cinema prices in Switzerland are pretty ridiculous, so I only go to them when it seems really, really worth it. I find it hard to care enough to go see this in the cinema even though it certainly has the kind of scale and visuals to justify it. So… I’ll wait.

  • Michael Collins

    My daughter wanted me to take her, but someone told her yesterday that one of her fav characters died, so now she’s not interested.

    Death has it’s rewards.

  • Vengeful Eagle

    $15.72 says that the torpedo will be a dud and they’ll finally end up using that hot air balloon.

  • I agree with you to some extent. I mean, as a fan of the book, these movies really missed the mark in some places, mainly because it has a bunch of unnecessary stuff shoehorned into the plot to make it a trilogy. Mike and Jay would have more to say if they cared about the source material, which it appears they do not.

    In the book Bilbo sits out the battle and points out how pointless and awful war is. Turning it into a 45 minute long spectacle for the audience’s entertainment seems like Jackson shitting on Tolkien’s message, even if he was forced to do so to fill out a third film.

    It may be nostalgia talking, but the animated film seems to do a better job of telling this children’s story – and let’s be honest, The Hobbit is a book for children, not a wannabe LOTR style epic. A fan edit that’s 2 hours long and removes the excess could indeed make for a great film. Can’t say that about the Star Wars prequels.

  • Uncle Dan

    That is so the one line that I did not try.

  • Where’s Paul Verhoeven?

    Gollum was great, Smaug was great, this could have been one great movie.

    Mike side-eyeing Jay’s Middle Earth nerdism was sadly ironic, apparently he’s never seen his Star Trek reviews, those invalidate any side eye in perpetuity.

  • Anthony D.

    I still think the first was the worst and the second was the best. I do agree that del Toro’s version would have been crazy interesting and would have been even better as two films.

  • Anthony D.

    It’s gonna be great.

  • stryker1121

    And that’s the origin of that.

  • Where’s Paul Verhoeven?

    They should have given Roger Corman the script and a cool million bucks.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Honestly, the special features for Smaug are more interesting than this 5 armies movie, and the reason for that is Jackson openly admits to drama with the studios. There are effects people crying due to deadline stress. Pick ups require entire sets to be rebuilt and people are openly upset about it. Actors joke that they don’t know what film they’re working on that day. It’s a bit of a documentary on how studios give fuck all to the creative needs of their crew.

  • castlemonster

    The internet is out in NorK, anyway.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    “You DICK.”
    –Jack Packard

  • Where’s Paul Verhoeven?

    Sounds like a train wreck, its a shame, there is some truly good stuff in these movies. The prequel comparison is just beyond off base.

  • Uncle Dan

    “MOVIE!”

    – Jack Packard

  • Mohamad Taufiq Morshidi

    Splitting into three films was a BIG mistake.

  • Where’s Paul Verhoeven?

    “I dislike 2001: A Space Odyssey”

    – Jack Packard.

  • castlemonster

    Meh, who cares about the Hobbit? I’m still holding out for the Tom Bombadil trilogy.

  • Uncle Dan

    “Skip cutscene, take a drink.”
    – Jack Packard

  • Kieran Vincent Rowley

    All I can think of is Guardians of the Galaxy. People CAN do scope and scale and stakes and huge confrontations without losing sight of their characters, the trick is to have settings and characters with enough, well, *character* to sustain interest.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Ooh. How bad is it? An Imax 3D ticket here for an evening showing is $15 USD.

  • Sully

    Isn’t $15.72 the exact annual military budget of NK?

    Pound Sign: 14148.00NorthKoreanWon

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    its lucky they disabled Gifs, cause the GOP would have flooded the comments like Kathy.

  • Uncle Dan

    As a student, on Monday, 2D viewing, lowest price is 13 Francs. most expensive I’ve paid, though granted I don’t go that often, is probably 18-20.

  • Where’s Paul Verhoeven?

    “I’ve never seen Sophie’s Choice, that’s about space aliens right?”

    – Pack Hackard

  • Mohamad Taufiq Morshidi

    For me, The Hobbit should have never been three movies.

    It’s a huge mistake that really ruined the third film for me.

    If they wanted to make three more Tolkien films, why not make The Hobbit, a story from The Silmarillon and Children of Hurin?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    All 2 of their computers are suffering, and Kim can’t access his Steam account.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    i think it would have worked better as character study of people under siege waiting for a WAAAAR! rather than all the war.

  • NotRickBerman

    I’d buy that for a dollar.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    “There are effects people crying due to deadline stress.”

    I imagine some of the stress comes from working in high frame rate, which is twice as many frames, and 3D, which means you’ll need to make sure it looks good from at least two angles, and apparently the films are shot in very high definition/quality cameras [I forget which camera since I read about it a while back], meaning there’s all that extra detail you have to include in your special effects and CGI.

    Heck, this even makes it harder for the makeup crews and the people making miniatures since the camera can pick up minute details.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    “Remember all the great quotes we’ve made? Like that one time I said ‘Shut Up’?”

    –Jay “Nice Hair” Bauman

  • Uncle Dan

    “We’re gonna need just a few more Nukie tapes”
    – Jay “Great Facial Hair” Bauman

  • IsolateMutate

    I almost wish you would’ve delved more into the mystery of why these movies are so uninteresting to you. Perhaps that question can just be answered with “The Lord of the Rings movies are far more interesting”, but still, I think there’s room for some discussion there.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Just wait until omitted sees Jay’s new ‘do!

  • Uncle Dan

    I would love to see what that guy plays.

  • Where’s Paul Verhoeven?

    It is not gonna be great.

  • Where’s Paul Verhoeven?

    I remember reading once that Kim Jong Il spent one million a year on cognac.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I could see that, but for this particular instance it was sound design. Peter and friends were still working on the film the night it needed to be sent to LA. Like the LA offices needed the film to distribute to theaters, and they’re still working on sound editing. The sound guys were working on this for 24+ hours, and Peter’s sitting there going “Lets cut the sound after Smoog says “Death.”” Four hours after it’s due, the producer finally comes in and says something like “Peter, we gotta stop.”

    It’s probably just as much an all-around clusterfuck as watching the Prequel behind-the-scenes filmmaking.

  • rizla

    why should i REwatch previous films just to be able to understand a fucking movie?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Are you saying they may have gone too far in a few places?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I think this might have been the only option because of rights issues for those stories. The Tolkien family has never sold the rights for the Silmarillon or Children of Hurin, and The Hobbit was split between 2 studios, which is part of the reason why Guillermo del Toro left the franchise.

  • “they had to say something, not because they had anything to say.”
    Yeah that’s basically Half in the Bag.

  • Jay is looking clean cut. He doing more movie interviews on other websites?

  • Jack P. Coleman

    Percocet…tercocet…mercocet…

  • Uncle Dan

    I’m pretty sure that it’s not poetry, because it doesn’t rhyme.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I’m saying there weren’t enough Ricks making this movie.

  • Sully

    Wait till Omitted hears that Jay’s looking for something to fill his hobbit hole.

  • bassbait

    Because it’s been so long since you’ve seen the previous ones that you forgot what happened in them. But that’s the trilogy’s fault, not yours.

  • Where’s Paul Verhoeven?

    Its stylistically designed to be that way.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    “Just 4 or 5 more tapes.”
    – Jay “Great Face, Too!” Bauman

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    It’s either humidity or hair depression. What the fuck does his hair have to be depressed about?

  • Studio Executive

    I’m starting to think that the idea of an “epic prequel” is a inherently a paradox: if you already know what happens after the prequel (e.g., the original film), there’s no possibility for an audience to feel there’s any real dramatic stakes. So from now on, it’s comedy prequels all the way. Remember “Dumb and Dumberer, When Harry met Lloyd?” That’s the new template.

  • castlemonster

    So am I to understand there’s some hot dwarf-on-elf action in this movie? I thought they liked their chicks with beards.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    But the fat dwarf lived. That’s her favorite character, right? RIGHT?!

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    its a long story…
    in the 90’s when LotR was still a twinkle in Peter Jackson’s pantaloons. my girlfriend took me to see the stage adaptation of ‘The Hobbit”
    http://youtu.be/sl6xXgRIJ3Y

    it was 3 hours with an intermission. it was one of the most entertaining things i have ever seen.
    i love The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings. but i own more copys of the books than DVD’s (I have a first edition set of the 70’s illustrated version.)
    but now we get to the terrible truth…. I HAVEN’T SEEN ANY OF THE HOBBIT MOVIES!… the shame of it is i just dont care anymore. i have Chronic BlockBuster Movie Fatigue Syndrome…

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Too [sic] things…

    1. Jay said, “I wanted to fill my hobbit hole,” and omitted exploded in a way that would’ve sent any sunken house out of any lake and to the moon.
    2. “Elves cut ’em down like butter, so they’re basically useless.” Um, try eating your pancakes without butter. Butter is never useless. It’s cows’ gift to all of us.
    3. WORE!

    OK, that’s an extra thing.

  • Uncle Dan

    After all, it finally outshines his facial hair.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Is it when Harry meets Lloyd in a daycare center, like as little babies? It could called “Look who’s Dumberer, two.”

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    You mean The Bombadil Quadrilogy!

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Well, yes, and, um, STAR WARS.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Is it food?

    It could be.

  • Flaw Filial

    Something about this review left me feeling kind of… drained. I don’t know how to explain it.
    It’s not Mike and Jay. It’s more the fact that they were SO disengaged from this movie that I was disengaged from the review. It was two degrees of not giving a fuck. I kind of felt the same way during their review of the new Robocop.
    And it’s not Mike and Jay, it’s the movie. These bland, bombastic movies are being pushed out there and they’re leaving audiences feeling nothing at all.
    “Emotional numbness” isn’t really what I need right now.
    But, thanks for the review, Mike and Jay. Thanks for at least trying to make it interesting.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    You beat me.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Because, green screen.

  • Palpatine

    Jay’s right about the whole Hobbit Prequel trilogy comparison. You can tell that Jackson is in to what he’s making. Unlike that other guy who just sat in the chair.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    All I can think of is that there are no huge confrontations in GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY.

    “Don’t touch the glowy thingie.”

    “Oh. Somebody touched the glowy thingie.”

    Banter, banter.

  • Sully

    For the most part, their opinion was explained during the SW Prequel reviews.
    Prequels are inherently doomed from the beginning, because people generally know what’s going to happen. For instance, we know that Bilbo isn’t going to die in The Hobbit, because he’s still around in LOTR. We know that Gandalf isn’t going to die, as well as Legolas, and Elrond, and Galadriel, Sauroman, etc. And because we know these character still exist in LOTR, the drama, the sense of danger, is immediately sapped from the story. This immediately turns turmoil into an along for the ride type of movie, and those aren’t typically very awesome.
    The approaching doom (Sauron) also loses much of his intensity because we’ve already seen him destroyed, so what’s the point of building up his character in ways beyond the book?

    Peter should’ve began his Tolkien Saga with the Hobbit if he wanted to create a compelling complete universe, and who knows, maybe kids will later watch these films in the order that Tolkien intended and it will have a different impact on them, but for (most of) the rest of us, it’s all just a painting by the numbers adventure, making sure everything ties in to what’s already been established, and that’s just not very awesome.

  • Jack P. Coleman

    Do I hear a Plinkett review on its way?

  • Sully

    It’s not on Rich’s head?

  • castlemonster

    An epic Bombadil series that makes Game of Thrones look like community theater.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    $28.00AUD. thats about $21-22.00U.S. and popcorn and coke.. you’re looking at $30U.S. and the Melbourne Imax cinema is 300km’s away.

  • Jack P. Coleman

    Movies these days suffer from an unfortunate case of “epic” syndrome.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Wow. It’s, like, if you’re a noob, go fyuck yourself, cause you’ll never understand ¼th.

  • Palpatine

    I heard about that. I guess it wasn’t announced by an overenthusiastic news reporter who’s acting like she’s having an orgasm.

  • lawra Weltreich

    did anyone else notice that Sony Vaio blatant product placement?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Sees “Canada Dry”.
    Feels a small sense of pride … that we enable Mike’s alcoholism.

  • Studio Executive

    Get me a 20 page treatment by the end of December, and we’ll crap it into theaters by the third week of January!

  • Jack P. Coleman

    You don’t need Topher Grace!
    I’M EDITING IT AS WE SPEAK!

  • Where’s Paul Verhoeven?

    Better of never understanding, its like the mountains of madness.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    they should get Disney to do it. all the jolly songs…. it could be the next Frozen.. *starts cutting wrists*

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Well, maybe, but EVERYONE needs Topher Grace.

  • Where’s Paul Verhoeven?

    The Star Wars I understand at least.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    OK, but I don’t. There have been two good movies out of 6. get over it, already.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    look at what happened to scrubs after he left.
    Edit: I demand an irony font!

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    The rent for Rich’s head is too damn high.

    . . .

    Take that however you want.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    brando…

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    WORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! ! ! !

  • Sully
  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I was gonna say fuck you, but it’s not January yet.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    i want to make a movie using *Insert Reference* and the drive would be *Recycled Plot* and the end is *HEART WARMING PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!!!* all i need from you is $100 million and Adam Sandler.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    eeeew!

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    humidity?

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Meanwhile, Norrean citizens wonder if the internet is something they can eat.

    #HermitKingdom

  • The series probably should have been called ,”Middle Earth” and Peter Jackson should have said:
    “We are going to use ‘The Hobbit’ as a framing device, but since this will likely be the last set of movies in this universe for this generation of film makers I saw it as both fun and necessary to explore other aspects of the world. Lots of characters exist, and a lot of magic, action, and world is there and if I don’t put it in here, then it won’t fit in anywhere.”

    That way people would look at the expansions and see it as a gain, rather than an unwelcome intrusion.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Because, torture.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Nobody would’ve seen this as a gain. No matter what.

  • Harry Palm

    They shouldn’t have had to rewatch the other movies to know what’s going on. You shouldn’t have to do homework to watch a movie and understand it. They watched the movie and it was boring as shit so their review is ‘this movie is boring as shit’. What did you want them to do? Not review it just because the movie is boring? They’re letting people know that it’s boring. That’s what a review is for or, at least, that’s what reviews are SUPPOSED to be for. Now a days, they’re just for people to get their opinion validated, but reviews are meant to be seen BEFORE you watch the movie so you know if it’s worth the money. This piece of crap isn’t worth the money.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    The BOMBADILOGY, dawg!

    Your’e The Man, now.

  • Harry Palm

    Jay repeatedly says that he’s a fan of the ‘Lord of the Rings’ movies. It’s not his fault that these Hobbit movies are shitty. Besides, someone doesn’t have to be an epic, delusional fanboy to review something. They’re movie critics. They’re job is to criticize movies. They don’t have to watch only movies that they like.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Can Topher Grace edit himself out of Into Stella?

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    someone should pound them?

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    Alien: Isolation.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    I’m gonna upvote you for splitting nowadays into three separate words, you Lil Peter Jackson, you.

    However, I don’t know if I agree that reviews are supposed to be little public service announcements that make up your movie-going mind for you. I think reviews — except for the preening ones you see so much of on the interzones these days — can have an utility of their own for people who enjoy cinema and the discussion of cinema.

    But, yet, Yay, you.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I remember one time I inflated a balloon too big and it popped.

    Lesson of Life.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    i remember he was Ronery… so ronery….

  • Sully

    Peter Jackson would’ve done better just to do the Silmarillion as a Mini-series. Have each episode being done by a different Director (think Band of Brothers), and then just filmed The Hobbit as it was written, a one film set up for LOTR, designed for true Tolkien fans.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    You know your life sucks when even your hair is depressed!

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    I probably would’ve seen THE HOBBIT if it had been one movie. As soon as they told me I’d have to sit through three more Middle Earth movies, I was out.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Did that happen…at band camp?

  • Mike Magnum

    I don’t know if say anything or not. My problem with Jackson is his movies are way too long. Hell i cant watch King Kong without fast forwarding the first hour. And while i think the Lord of the Ring movies are better. I would say that while the Hobbit movies are 3 hours long. For the most part they don’t feel 3 hour long.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    i want to send them some Australian rum… But that might be bad.
    http://youtu.be/zHmw0u2G9kw

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    The world is a better place simply because there’s an adult dude named Topher in it who survived all the bullying.

    And that inspires all the precious snowflakes.

    #ItGetsBetter

  • Edhel

    Now that the third one is out, I finally watched the first two:
    http://www.reddit.com/r/lotr/comments/24k1ot/we_edited_the_first_two_hobbit_movies_together/ch8qo7z
    Some frauds cut the two movies into one 2-hour movie. It’s still available on torrent.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    WORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! ! ! !

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    You fucks! You got those graphics you used in the end sequence from The Amazing Bulk store! I know because I sold them to yooouuuu.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Which one is Lonesome Dave?

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    they will do that now you said it. AMC and Netflix started a bidding war the moment you posted that.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    fucked if i know americans all look the same to me.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    things only can.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Apparently, “Grace chose to use the name Topher because he did not want his full name abbreviated to Chris at school.”

    This is from Wikipedia, though, and as we just saw these last few days it can be edited quite easily … 😉

    PS – I followed the link this info supposedly came from and unless there’s an embedded video that has since gone missing, I don’t see where this information is contained.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Good choice, Gopher.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    you spelt Richmas wrong.

  • Warlord X

    My reaction to this film: “Every scene is so dense, every shot has so many things going on.”

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    How can the aliens store anything up there with all the isolation all over the place?

    (It’s a world I’m building.)

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Pure instince.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    and from there Gopher Rapes. to Gopher Rapist. and now we know his high school nickname.

  • Joe Syxpac

    TIm Dong Whatever got a torpedo into Lake Michigan?

    I am also looking forward to the fan edit. The Hobbit was my favorite book as a child and even I didn’t want to see a three part version of it. It was just overindulgent to do that.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    “Fairly entertaining but mostly pointless.”

    This sums up mainstream movies nicely and could be THE review of every blockbuster thing from now on, forever.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    thats great.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    It’s gonna be great.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    i hate isolation… i should stop hiding in walls and roofs.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Peter Jackson: Ruining Childhoods Since (Whenever His KING KONG Came Out)

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    you have CBBMFS too?

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    ???

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    Chronic BlockBuster Movie Fatigue Syndrome.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Yeah, but The Hobbit wasn’t written to set up Lord of the Rings. Tolkien went back later and altered it so it would be. That’s why the two stories have such vastly different flavors. The Hobbit was this cute little adventure about a little person, LOTR is supposed to be epic.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    There’s been one of these each of the last three years. You can’t remember three years ago? Yeah, that’s because it’s all been unmemorable.

    #WhatAmISaying,ICan’tRememberMuchOfLastWeek

  • el_diperto

    did anyone thought the action scenes where some videogame ass shit?, i remember watching Legolas jump from tile to tile while the stone bridge was falling and feeling “that is fucking mario bros” seriously, i know mike and jay had mentioned that Legolas can do anything, but the final scenes with him where so unrestrained that made the longass action scenes unbearable. I really felt this was the worst movie of all the hobbit trilogy. WTF with the opening and Smaug dying so early in the film, not even the titles for the movie where shown and the fucking dragon was dead.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    What is it with Riches?

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    No. I never liked blockbusters, much. Nothing chronic about it.

    Well, except JAWS and Burton’s BATMAN. I dug those.

  • Steven Simmons

    The orcs, goblins, and Sauron don’t give a crap about the gold. They say so much several times in the film. They want the fortress because of its position.

    The elves want the jewels and the dwarves and humans want the gold.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Every time Legolas does anything “actiony”, it’s video-game-crappy. That was also the case in RETURN OF THE KING. His elephant trunk surfing is the epitome of suck-ass CGI.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    North Korea is trying to bomb Plinkett’s house because Jay’s hairstyle is now beating out Kim Jong Un for least desirable hairstyle.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    Jaws is one of the best things the human race has accomplished. and there is only one truly good batman movie(In its context.) and its Birdman.

  • Joe Syxpac

    If he hadn’t made LOTR I’d prolly hate him almost as much as I hate Michael Bay.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    And I, for one, probably wouldn’t fault you for that, even though you’re begging for an awful lot of haters.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    BIRDMAN is excellent, but Batman isn’t even in it.

    Just like the Nolan movies.

    #ExceptNOTTheExcellentPart

  • In The Court Of The Evans King

    Better than a CGI war.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    WORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! ! ! !

  • In The Court Of The Evans King

    Yes! Sorry.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Nobody hates me except for that Kim chick that runs North Korea.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Right?

    At least drop a lime into that bitch!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    “His elephant trunk surfing”

    I came back from the bathroom just as that shit was happening. I thought to myself, “I didn’t really miss anything.”

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    heath ledger pulling a brandon lee helped.

  • The scenes mostly looked good, but I agree that there were a 2-3 times when it started to get into Star Wars Prequels levels of fake looking CGI.

    Also, the scenes with Sauron really just felt like filler to increase the running time. It was painfully obvious that they didn’t have enough material to work with for 3 full-length Hobbit movies.

  • How does that have anything to do with what I said? I’m a fan and I don’t like these movies. Of course you don’t need to be a delusional fanboy to review something, but it helps to know at least something about the source material, particularly when discussing a movie that’s based on a book. Part of the reason Mike doesn’t understand why Tolkien fans compare The Hobbit trollogy to the Star Wars prequels is because he’s not as invested in Tolkien’s books as he was in the original Star Wars trilogy. If he actually gave a shit about the source material he’d have a lot more to say about why these movies missed the mark.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    And that Kim guy hates everybody except for Dennis Rodman, and nobody really likes Dennis Rodman.

    So really, Kim’s hatred for you is immaterial.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    But. Devil. In. The. Sky. And. Ghosts.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Nobody’s even mentioned the post-credits scene where Frodo meets Bat-fleck and Harry Potter gives them both a reach-around, simultaneously. ‘Cause he’s a wizard. And, he’s got two hands.

    Warner Brothers got this extended universe thing down.

    #PhuckMarvel

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    or maybe the ‘Fat cripple’ rant… but that was hysterical.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    there is a clear downward spiral from Fellowship. i think someone bought peter jackson a copy of 300 and he missed the joke. .

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    My favorite one was the one with the most Gollum in it.

    Unfortunately, that one also had talking, walking trees.

  • Phillie Em

    “The Elves cut them down like butter, so they’re really quite useless.” That’s gonna be great it’s gonna be great it’s gonna be great

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    hats grate.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Cheese, Louise.

  • Phillie Em

    Well, those are more or less references to The Phantom Menace and it’s DVD extras, the Plinkett reviews just cite them.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    the entmoot is the best bit! its like boyhood. but… LLLLLLOOOOOONNNNNGGGGGEERERER.

  • Phillie Em
  • Hank_Henshaw

    300 was ace. Did I say “ace”? Ass, I meant ass.

  • fix your disqus pics guys

  • Sully

    I was referencing Tolkien’s rewrite. In the original the ring was just a magic ring that made the wearer invisible. Nothing more. Gollum was much less menacing in that original book as well. Riddles in the Dark wasn’t a life or death game in that initial version. Also Gandalf was just a wizard, and not some ancient ethereal being.
    The Hobbit was simple, quaint, and preferable to what it became, especially in what Jackson turned it into.

    As glad as I am that LOTR was made into actual decent movies, I can’t really give much of the credit to Jackson. You ever hear how he wanted to rewrite the ending of ROTK? Christ on a cracker!
    Luckily there were people on set (I believe Christopher Lee was one of them) that kept Jackson relatively in line, otherwise LOTR might’ve been something else entirely.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Iiiiiiiiiii

    Aaaaaaaam

    Aaaaaaa

    nnnnnnnnnnnnn

    Ennnnnnnnntttttttt

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    Ghopher Grace shout edit that down.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    they aint broke.

  • Seeing Grown Ups 2 never gets old.

  • Sully

    Middle Earth is in serious need of Jesus.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    Peter Jackson: “Thats great, can you do it slower and deeper?”

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    WORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! ! ! !

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    i still want to burn jackson alive for changing denathors death just because he had a new fire effect. fucking new zealanders.

  • Sully

    “What is it good for?” ~Bilbo

  • JohnBigbooty

    Peter Jackson took some time out from making big, dumb, bloated blockbusters in an interview to lament the big, dumb, bloated blockbuster.

    “I don’t really like the Hollywood blockbuster bandwagon that exists right now,” Jackson told Moviefone. “The industry and the advent of all the technology has kind of lost its way. It’s become very franchise driven and superhero driven.”

    I’m now going to state that Peter Jackson is good for nothing more than throwing tons of special effects into a movie, annoyingly endless sweeping vista shots, and uncomfortable closeups.

    And thanks for putting those posters side by side. Take the titles off and I couldn’t tell the difference. I mean really. If they put an old poster up in theaters with the new title, would anyone notice?

  • Conquerbeard

    Hate when frogs try to take my rings.

  • diehounderdoggen

    Holy fuck, Jay read my mind about re-editing these movies. Waiting for the inevitable extended editions then straight to the cutting room.
    My hit list:
    1. Most of the barrel chase/goblin town chase/spiders/3 trolls/Erebor chase. Less overblown dorf action means more hobbit adventure time.
    2. Legolas’ gymnastics shenanigans. It was bullshit and goofy in LotR, it’s twice as bullshit and 6 times as goofy in these.
    3. Most of everything involving Love Interest. Love Interest is barely a character.

  • He’s a neckbearded hack!

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    productivity, gun sales, camping, male bonding, and SPLOSIONS!

  • Uncle Dan

    Blockbuster movies in general don’t have terribly creative posters regardless. Much as I enjoy the Marvel movies these days, for example, all the posters are just people standing looking off-camera.

  • Sully

    The fact that he actually wanted to bring Sauron back just because he thought “audiences will want to see Aragorn battle it out with this character.” shows that he doesn’t have a fucking clue what he’s talking about.
    The whole point of the story was, if Sauron comes back, IT’S FUCKING GAME OVER FOR MIDDLE EARTH, ASSHOLE!!
    If he can be bested by some random ranger with a sword, why was everyone shitting their pants about his return? I mean seriously. They even shot that scene for the film, but in post he was protested by the cast and crew until he changed it. That shot material still exist though, he merely changed Sauron into a cave troll.

    Also, Saruman’s death in the film is dumb. The scouring of the Shire was a seriously important part of the ROTK. Jackson could’ve cut 15min from his battle to put that sequence in. I mean, f’real.

  • dick_the_bday_boy

    I care more about the conclusion to the Pinkett’s House is Underwater Arc than Hobbits 3: Rise of the Silver Surfer.
    Also Jay’s hair is on fuckin point in this video.

  • JohnBigbooty

    Generally. But a couple of the Cap America Winter Soldier posters were pretty cool. Others, not so much.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    I wouldn’t be surprised if there are more LOTR movies after this. “Lord of the Rings Episode VII: The Eye of Sauron Reawakens”. Just add “inspired by the works of JRR Tolkien” and you are set to go.

    That, or a remake. Sooner than anyone expects. Fellowship came out in 2001, right? It’s almost 14 years ago! Way overdue for a remake.

  • Sully

    Jay, your hair was an obvious distraction this ‘sode. Might wanna curb your metrosexual tendencies in the future.

    Pound Sign: Don’tLetTheDoBecomeADiva

  • Jason Ross

    “““““`_A
    ““““`.’“”`’.
    ““““/`’`,`,’“` MERRY CHRISTMAS, ya bloomin’ wankers.
    “““`|`’`|
    “““`|“<`(_)`|
    “““'/===
    “““(.—–._`’_.-.)
    “““`|/“`a“a|“
    “““`(“““_|“
    ““““““__’;
    ““““|“`.`’/
    ““““;`’—-;’
    `’““`.-“`’V’//””-.
    `’““/`,“|//“,`
    `’“`/`/|’Ll”//’Ll’|`
    `’“/`/`|__//“’|`_
    ‘““”|==[]==|`/`/
    `’“`//“`|“`//
    ““`|/’_Ll`|`Ll_|
    ‘“““|`^”””^`|
    ‘“““|“`|“`|
    ‘“““|“`|“`|
    ‘“““|“`|“`|
    ‘“““|“`|“`|
    ‘“““|“`|“`|
    ‘“““L___l___J
    ‘“““`|_`|`_|
    ‘“““(___|___)

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    no, thats what comes next. Peter JACKSONS! ‘The Scouring of the shire trilogy’ the last movie is them fighting warg-bats to get to the Grey Havens to stop the re-return of Souron.

  • Sully

    Is that a british bobby or an elf?

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    you spelt Richmas wrong.

  • Captain Turbo

    It’s a Festivus miracle!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Who exactly is that supposed to be?

  • CJ

    WAR BATS!!!

    That’s my next band name.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    It’s hard to explain why the marketing people haven’t tried to recreate the vibe of action-packed comic book covers for any of the superhero movies. And I’m not talking recent covers, which 95% of the time are the heroes “posing for the camera” aping movie posters.

  • Sully

    I’d rather watch Ainulindalë made into a movie.

  • I would actually prefer them to just take the world and write an original story in the world. Let’s have Del Toro make a movie about the Blue Wizards adventuring in the East. Total blank canvas to work from.

  • Sully
  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.
  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    i think Rlm generates about 10 band names a minute on average.

  • CJ

    The most distracting element of these movies is the noticeably thicker Orlando Bloom playing a much younger version of himself.

  • Sully

    It’s kinda like this:
    People who alter or destroy works of art and our cultural heritage for profit or as an exercise of power are barbarians. ~ George Lucas

  • CJ

    You may be right.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    That’s one skinny Santa. Is that meant to be the mall Santa pervert that got killed in Elves?

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    i am going to carve that on Georges tombstone… i’m making one at home as a form of therapy.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    It certainly isn’t a careboar.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    i cant wait for Richmas day! the first thing i’m doing is watching Careboars.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Yes.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    i think my spell check is becoming self aware…. its accepted Richmas as a real word and its correcting Gopher Rapist to Topher Grace.
    Edit: its still not fixing my poor grammar.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Annabelle is already a movie. It came out a couple months ago. Remember?

  • Hank_Henshaw

    If you really have accepted Rich Evans in your heart, every day is Richmas.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    For he is the love and the light. the holy trinity of RLM sustains us. In the name of the Mike, and the Jay and the holy Evans. Amen.

  • Rene Belloq 12 inch Figure

    wow, this review was as short as a hobbit, the creature not the movie.

  • Uncle Dan

    Actually that’s a really good point. If anything, comic book movies should be changing it up with posters because of their source material.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    and just my thought on Nkorea ‘going dark’. obamas sitting in the white house saying: “switch it back on… wait… now switch it back off.” remember when you were a kid switching lights on and off to annoy a sibling. its just like that… but Nkorea has autism.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    thats taller than you. just kidding i love you Doctor Who.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    is the length of his hair a clever reference to the length of the vid?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    What a bunch of twats! Don’t don’t about things you don’t like, Mic and Jake!

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    So many comments about a mans hair?… is Jays new look.. in the dangerzone!?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siwpn14IE7E

  • radicalfce

    I was half expecting them to pull a Mario 2 on everyone and make everything past the toxic gas leak a dream sequence. Hearing Plinkett tear into Kim Jong Un was far more rewarding.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    i was trying to start “Mich and James.” then i remembered you’re name… that would have gotten confusing.

  • GayForJay

    Going into the movie, I thought that even as bad as the Hobbit movies have been, it was going to at least be an enjoyable capstone on a series that’s been running for 13 years.

    Instead I was embarrassed and bored the whole fucking movie.

  • GayForJay

    No dude, it’s very sexy.

  • Marvin Falz

    I was going to suggest a new rule, the rule being “only review movies from which your interest hasn’t completely disengaged” but then I’ve read your comment and I must scrap my suggestion. Nobody has to agree with Mike and Jay or any other reviewer and one of the engaging things to do is reading and giving opinions and explaining impressions and such. I guess it is unwise to depend on the view of just one or two reviewers. It is like buying on Amazon. If you want to know if a product is of any worth go straight to the negative comments to find out about its flaws. Maybe the Hobbit is a fantastic product and maybe some people want to know about its flaws before they decide to go watch it. You just can’t please them all. Them people I mean.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    wow. being gay for jay is the new gay thing. i think there will be a Jay float at next years gay pride parades.

  • JohnBigbooty

    I’ve seen a couple of nice ones for Avengers 2 that are in the same vein as comic book covers, and they look great. But I don’t know if they’re official posters or just fan art. But I agree. It would be good idea to go that way.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Confirmed for Jay

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    “”Emotional numbness” isn’t really what I need right now.”

    This part caught my attention. How you feeling, buddy?

  • Flaw Filial

    I’m doing a lot better.
    I recognize that depression is a “thing” and that it’s there, but I’m pushing against it and it’s not *controlling* me anymore.
    I’ve got the month off for college and that’s helpful, too. It gives me time to marathon all three of Peter Jackson’s groundbreaking ‘Hobbit’ movies.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    so your Peter jackson? Edit: no one else should be embarrassed.

  • Probably mentioned this before, but I seriously love that fucking username…

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    its a different one.
    Edit: Heshe however they self identify. is not the other gay for jay.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    “nothing at all”

    Stupid sexy Flanders!

  • Joshua Marchant

    It feels like they had to write things into the script for Bilbo to do and say. Yeah, he has a couple bits of business in the film but was it important? Do you remember anything he did? I don’t.

    The Dragon dies in the first 10 minutes, people then fight over gold for two hours and the Hobbit goes home afterwards. Doesn’t sound like ‘the defining chapter of the Middle Earth legend to me.

  • iobdoi

    Some care and craft did go into the prequels, so I don’t think the comparisons are that crazy. Apart from just being a prequel you also see so much of the same shit. Tension-less videogame action, weird attempts at humor aimed at 8 year olds, jarring tonal shifts, a very similar love story (They’re looking at each other lovingly, they’re in love!), shoe-horned pandering to nostalgia. These just benefit from much better acting and CGI.

    I’m surprised you didn’t mention Bilbo throwing rocks at the orcs and straight up knocking them off their feet. Quite the right arm on the little guy.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    i know its hard to poor drinks at the bottom of lake milwaukee, but Mike drown that G&T.

  • Marvin Falz

    Now that I’m watching this HitB I don’t see that Mike and Jay are disengaged. Transformers 4 left them disengaged. At least the two have some fun, they bring up good points and Mike even explains why he doesn’t know what’s going on.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Glad you’re doing better, Fil, and that you’re fighting the silent beast. It’s not the easiest keeping that stuff in check.

    Hope your Richmas runs smoothly.

  • JohnBigbooty

    One vote up for Jet Jaguar.

  • Well whatever…The name (‘s/was) witty and it reflects my own deep carnal (huh huh huh) urges so I like it even if it’s aped from someone else…though thanks for letting me know. We all know how important protecting intellectual rights/credit is in the digital age…

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    i thought they were arguing about a shiny crystal.

  • Stardog Champion

    “Fuck you”

    -Mr Plinkett

  • I literally JUST finished a fan edit of “Unexpected Journey” that clocks-in at 1h48m without really missing anything. Without all the bloat it feels much more like “Fellowship”.

  • RoCr

    Doge is still a thing?

  • Stardog Champion

    I hope to god this is the last J. R. R. Tolkien esque film from Peter Jackson. I think it’s safe to say that Jackson has already started showing some of his hackness like Lucas. Although the Hobbit is not as worst as the prequel Star Wars, but it was not great and it’s more of a rental film. The trilogy is plague with nonsense about necromancers, ghost, pointless appearance from Legolas, and a pointless love subplot that did nothing but drag the movie down. The Hobbit should have been a simple adventure movie starting Bibo! Like Stars Wars Episode 1, who was the main character of the Hobbit? I can tell you it’s not Bilbo as Mr. Plinkett would say. I respect Jackson for his LOTR trilogy but that is as far as I will go. Either he starts directing original movies like his earlier projects or just retire with that other hack fraud
    George Lucus.

  • El_Runko

    “…Bilbo throwing rocks at the orcs and straight up knocking them off their feet. Quite the arm on the little guy.”

    Something that is actually taken from the books.

  • ytterligheten

    I do think this film’s script problems were worse than mentioned here. I remembered most of the other films, but this one was so extremely confusing and badly written.

    What happened to the Arkenstone? Why did I not give a fuck about the part in the Shire at the end? Why did the film look like shit? Why does a comparison with the physicality, aesthetics, build up and execution of the Battle of Helm’s Deep really show how bad the battle sequence in five armies is? Why did it feel so small and geographically confusing? Why did I not give a fuck when the main evil orc thing fought the main good guy? And when the second in command ‘who gives a fuck’ evil orc fought the secondary good gal? Who cares when Thoren dies? Who the FUCK cares about Legolas’ mom? He was never an emotional character, and the attempt to make us care about him in that way was laughable.

    Sure there is care put into it, but I would not call it competent movie making. It’s a series of allrightly shot and nicely crafted scenes (mise-an-scene-wise more than anything) mashed together into an emotionally disconnecting mess. Saying it’s the best of the three… really? I found very few redeeming elements in this, and the ones that existed were lost in the context of shit.

    Why was the love “”triangle”” so poorly executed compared to it’s establishment in smauwg (which I had no problem with)? Why do we only see like one sequence of dwarf + kate caring about each other here? And yes, why is Bilbo even in this? And why can he suddenly kill orcs like a badass? Why did this film make me feel queezy and want to leave the cinema? Character development? Character arcs? Thorin became a good guy? I never felt like he did? Was the sequence of Legolas + Kate going to Mordorplacey only there for Legolas to tell us about his maaawmy? blabla eawgles, Gandalf smoking a pipe, confusing battle no one cares who wins, yawn. No you were not being cynical, yes you could have elaborated more on why you did not like it. Who cares about the fanboys, Terrible terrible film that people seem to be ok with because lotr and peter jackson.

  • ModernDayMinstrel

    I’ll have to watch this later today as I desperately need sleep, but did anyone else decide to skip this installment in this unnecessary trilogy? I thought that The Desolation of Smaaaaugh left a lot to be desired.

  • Fartastic

    Hey, it’s ten in the morning, who’s been drinking.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    it 19:26 here. but i started drinkering at 10:00. its Richmas!

  • Stardog Champion

    I still haven’t seen the new Hobbit movie yet. I probably will go see it. It’s like going to my future daughter’s college graduation. I know it’s going to suck but I’m going to see it just to get it over with.

  • Anders Hass

    I haven’t watched the 3rd movie but there was more problems with the plot being coherent in the Star Wars prequels than in the Hobbit movies. But the Star Wars prequels are individual movies which the Hobbit movies definitely isn’t.

    But you got a point regarding the books, animated movie and fan edit.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    Peter Hackson is trying to get the rights to Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman’s ‘Good Omens.’

  • Joshua Marchant

    Equally as thrilling! Squabbling over a shiny.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Justin Lin is directing Star Trek 3.

    Welp, there goes my excitement after Orci left. Do you guys remember how good Tokyo Drift was? Remember?

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    i love japanese cars. i have two RB-30e R-31 Ti Nissan Skylines… even i hate that movie.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    i loved guardians of the galaxy!

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Chaching!

  • Michael Collins

    The guy is like that kid that says or does something slightly amusing that the grown-ups give an indulgent chuckle, so then he continues doing it into infinity, like the little twat he is..

    Merry richmas, ffs!!!!

  • Jillian

    I’ll tell you why this movie failed to connect with the audience, if you don’t mind a slightly longer explanation. In my opinion it was caused by a combination of factors:

    1) TONE – The tone of this movie is all over the place, which causes the emotional disconnect for the audience. The movie doesn’t know what it wants to be – a dramatic epic? A tragic portrayal of the horrors of war? A slapstick comedy? When you intercut the death of a beloved character with Legolas’s pratfalls, the death is going to fall completely flat. You can’t cry over someone dying when half a minute ago you were laughing at Legolas hanging upside down from a bat. Human emotions don’t work this fast. A lot of the movie is cut this way (also, there’s a lot of awkward slapstick), with a lot of quick shifts in tone that only end up confusing you. This effectively kills all the emotions you might have felt.

    2) THE CHARACTERS – The characters are woefully underdeveloped. We spend three movies watching a band of dwarves walk towards a mountain and when yet the third movie ends, the vast majority of audience members wouldn’t be able to tell you the names of all the dwarves. We’ve watched 9 hours of dwarf antics, but can’t even tell them apart. In contrast – everyone knew the names of the Fellowship members at the end of the LOTR movie, because they took the time to let us get to know them. The Hobbit movies do no such thing. Most of the dwarves barely have two lines in the whole movie, and apart from the final battle, they have nothing to do.

    As a result, we just don’t give a shit about any of them. They could all die and nobody would give a crap because we have zero emotional connection with them. The movies didn’t even try to make us care about them – instead of letting us get to know them, we have endless battle sequences and pointless filler that adds nothing to the final result.

    3) IMPORTANT STUFF/FILLER: These movies have a hard time balancing out the important stuff with the pointless crap. The dwarves that aren’t Thorin have very little screen time, yet in the third movie we have several long, completely pointless scenes with Alfrid, the aide of the corrupted Laketown Mayor. He adds nothing to the movie and doesn’t even have a proper arc – he’s just taking up space that could have been used somewhere else. It’s Radagast all over again. The same with the orcs, and the stupid love triangle.

    I could go on, but the comment is long enough as it is.

  • tOmy`

    Now you actually got me wondering whether I would be dying to see it or not.

    Especially when it comes to Pratchett, I was always wondering which book (or if) would work on the silver screen. However I just finished re-reading Soul Music and that is the prime example of one of those that could actually pull it off. I can already see the trailer:
    Dark rainy night / cut / shot of the golden field of the Reapers household / cut / all the other darker elements (preferably accompanied by the *WHAM* sound effect).
    Then we cut to the mages, when the horrible sound rumbles through the university. They comment on it, one of them runs away and the dialogue takes place: “You said it is comming from downstairs? Why are you running upstairs?” “Because I am not an idiot.”
    * cue the rock music *
    And after the trailer is over and we see the Soul Music name on the screen, all music stops and we can hear the roaring of a motorcycle.

    Crap, now I wanna see that.

  • Kirke

    While I loved BOFA (haters gonna fuck you haters) and overall, very much enjoyed the whole trilogy, I think it’s obvious it should have been two films. Those who claim it could have been “one good film” don’t really know what they are talking about, no way it would make a good one film but it would gave been perfect as two.

  • Michael Collins

    Well I thought it made “one good book”, don’t really think there was a movie to be had from it tho, and no where near 2 or 3, so we almost agree.

  • I Shot J.R

    “Good point Rich”
    -Jack Packard

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    Yeah and the motorcycle is made of bones and… DEATH!!!! fuck you Ghost Rider!

  • Harmy

    First of all, let me say that after the first two films I went into this one with super low expectations and yet it still managed to disappoint me bitterly – I just couldn’t believe how boring it was.

    As expected, three quarters of the film are comprised of megalomanic battle shots of immense armies of generic CGI figures and since the previous films didn’t manage to build any kind of real affection or even sympathy in me for any of the sides fighting in the battle, I didn’t care at all about who’d win and who’d lose.

    The only character I was at least a little bit emotionally invested in was Bilbo, who however gets so little screen-time that the title of the film isn’t even justified. There is no clear protagonist in this movie – you may think it’s Thorin but he didn’t manage to win my sympathies in the previous films and while he does have a last minute change of heart towards the end of this one, he spends most of it acting like a first class a-hole and actually in a way, the closest thing to a protagonist this movie has is the character of Bard, who at least has a righteous claim in this battle and tries to resolve things peacefully but is denied by Thorin, which sort of makes Thorin one of the many villains of this movie rather than the hero.

    Perhaps the best that can be said about the movie is that it has quite a few moments that made me chuckle, some of them even intentionally. The moments which were supposed to be the most emotional and sad were conveyed with such pathos that they were actually rather humorous and the fights between the “heroes” and the main villains once again looked like a video-game and totally ignored the laws of physics and because I either didn’t really care about the people in those fights or I knew they would survive, the stakes were almost as low as in the battles of the faceless CGI fighters.

    The cherry on the top of the sh*t-pile was when I noticed that the dwarf Dain (Thorin’s cousin) inexplicably seemed to be CGI and looked like the characters from the CGI animated Beowulf movie – that was the moment I seriously considered walking out of the theater.

    All-in-all it was the weakest of the three Hobbit films and that is saying something. I have been watching the extensive extras from the extended edition of Desolation of Smaug over the last week and it makes me kind of sad to see how much work and love and care was poured into these films – especially into designing the world – only to end up with something which is beautifully designed and crafted but painfully mediocre in all its other aspects. In my book Peter Jackson can go ishkh khakfe andu null.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    to long!

  • Stephen R

    They made 3 (much) longer books into single movies so this could have easily been 1 film instead of a massive cash grab.

  • ytterligheten

    Haha I completely agree with everything. And on the chuckling I started laughing like a madman as the battle went on, and when those chickens came flying I was so disconnected, bewildered and confounded that it just did not matter.

  • I dunno how anyone does it…frankly as polished as it was I was burt out on these films 2/3rds through the first franchise…I just can’t muster enough energy to care about flimflam and flimshaw….

  • Zarathustrian

    The lighting in this episode sucks. Hack frauds!

  • shuura84

    I think while watching this movie, I went through the 3 Mr. H.Plinkett grief stages.

    After 20 minutes I was like “Number Six: Invasion ! …of boring”.
    After 40 minutes it degenerated in “Number Eight: I’m gonna slit my wrists”.
    After 60 minutes it finally reached “Number Eleven: Please God make it stop make it end”.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    its a recognised medical condition. Chronic BlockBuster Movie Fatigue Syndrome.

  • nocussing

    add in the mayors sidekick who for some reason has like 5 scenes all to himself. what the fuck was that?

  • Mick Travis

    I still think my favorite Jackson film is THE FRIGHTENERS (1996), very underrated, but I did love his take on KING KONG as well.

  • Alex

    Armand Assante couldn’t have said “Waaaaarr” better.

  • Zarathustrian

    Are you shitting me? And people pay that yet they complain about prices on pretty much everything? Hell, they expect most things to be free today…

  • nocussing

    and a happy new year

  • Zarathustrian

    rofl

  • Benzo

    As a Tolkein fan, I was seething when you complained about not being able to follow the story and feeling no emotion for the characters… but from a regular movie-going perspective, I suppose you’re right…

  • Zarathustrian

    In the meanwhile, someone with a brain conquered the rest of Middle-Earth while all those retards decided to march their armies to Erebor and duke it out.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    so you changed the last word but didnt fix BURT!?

  • tiffanylouise

    why would you give false information to me? , but because you finally I found a link that actually showed me a place where I can watch the film , please you click on the link below >>> http://xx-x.in/cq5w4

    I hope you repent and stop deceiving them with false information

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    FUCK OFF! ILLEGAL SPAM CUNTZ!!!!!!

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    dont be homophobic. Burt and Ernie dont need to be fixed.

  • You’re fulla shit cunt!

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    its a spam account on its last legs. even facebook banned it. report it and wait for the admin goodness to smash its ass.

  • WhatPlanetAmIOn

    I was okay with the lenght of the battle, but Battle of Five Armies being the first Hobbit film I saw, I didn’t expect the battle scenes to be so greenscreeny. I actually remember trying to look into the faces of elves and dwarfs and waiting for some human element, you know. “I want to connect to this, why are you not letting me be emotionally involved?” By the end of the movie I was kinda rooting for the ork general, cause he had the most characterisation – he’s like a clever ruthless warlord with quite a bit of savageness to him.”He is fucking evil and he loves it.”

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    Fellowship of the rings was all “Look how little we use CGI.”
    two towers was “look how well we blended actors, models and CGI.”
    the revenge of the king was “stop looking at my Cgi!!! its cold! SHRINKAGE!!”

  • WhatPlanetAmIOn

    “REVENGE” of the king? Were you doing, like, a thing?

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    i was… but i was hoping for a CGI=TINY penis vibe… and star wars… but if you have to explain the joke its dead… yay for joke autopsies…..

  • im in love with jay

    there is something about jays haircut in this that distracted me way too much. what was this episode about?

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    I Think we should take bets on the next thing Hollywood is going to hold down on a pinball machine.
    5:1 Michael Bays: Machine Men.
    10:1 Peter Hacksons: Enid Blyton’s: Famous Five(the 20ish books should make 900 movies.)
    1:1 *Fuck You! its january!*

  • Sully

    He started showing that when he decided King Kong needed a 4 hour remake.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    Jays haircut?

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    i also want to apologize. i confused “gay for jay” and yourself. it was not homophobic but the result of dyslexia and underlying alcoholism…. STOP PUTTING WATER IN YOUR DRINKS MIKE!!!!!

  • dollar store cashier wife

    lol.the characters in GOTG have the exact same level of depth as the ones in Hobbit movies.

  • Marvin Falz

    Okay, okay, I spoke too soon. Should have watched the whole episode before answering.

  • im in love with jay

    yeah. its different than usual, in some subtle and yet obvious way that tickles my brain into submission

  • Sully

    New video going up later today confirmed! The season of giving is truly upon us.

    It’s a Richmas miracle!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTu00FCLgPs

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    And on the 2nd day of Richmas Rlm gave to me…? the other Bestwheel? confirmed for what?

  • Palpatine

    It’s going to be a new Plinkett: The Animated Series. I have foreseen it.

  • dollar store cashier wife

    I think they went too easy on this p.o.s. movie(just like on the first two hobbit movies basically).The love subplot is cringe inducing filler,the frikkin one hour long battle was the epitome of excess devoid of any meaningful stakes or characters we care about,the tonal inconsistency was off the charts and Bilbo received about 5 minutes of screentime total.As a LOTR fan these Hobbit movies was like seeing an antithesis of everything that made LOTR good.

    “this one was the best of the three”??? Jay you ignorant slut…

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    haven’t seen any of them.

  • David Martin

    LOTR sucked too, maybe you just grew up.

  • dollar store cashier wife

    Good for you.You saved 9 hours of your life.

  • David Martin

    Tolkien didn’t write the script. (he’s dead)

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    i read my illustrated copy of The Hobbit every Richmas as a penance. and cause its a great book.

  • Sully

    It’s Richmas Eve Eve here (8:17 EST).

  • Sully

    If so I hope that kept the receipt.

  • dollar store cashier wife

    LOTR is really lightning in a bottle.There are many elements about it that shoudn’t work but they do.And regardless of subjective opinions it will always have it’s place in movie history just for innovations in special effects department and paving the way in fantasy movie genre just like Tolkien books did when they were released.

  • Sully

    I’d give credit for the way it was filmed as well, seeing that without shooting all 3 films at once, it would’ve been nigh impossible to pull off a trilogy of that scale.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    0:19(edst)(AU) 24/12/14

  • Bhazor

    Peter Jackson transformation into a hobbit is 90% complete.

  • sepiajack

    I for the most part agreed with Mike and Jay; specifically that the one big change they should have made is to lop the first 10 min off with Smaug & Laketown and made that the ending to Desolation of Smaug, they could have cut out that 30min Dwarf mine battle/chase which was obviously added in when they switched from 2 to 3 movies because you can see the exact spots that used to connect between Bilbo talking to Smaug, and smaug leaving to destroy Laketown. If the Laketown burning had been at the end of film 2 that film would have felt more satisfying as a whole, and then part 3 would have been very concise in just focusing on the aftermath.

    I liked this trilogy as a whole, as Jay and Mike said it doesn’t have quite the meat or meaning of the LotR trilogy, but I think it was a lot of fun and had its own charm.

  • Bhazor

    The Colour of Magic as a nine hour action trilogy.

  • sepiajack

    Also: I will except Jay’s challenge to fan edit these movies into ONE movie! Have actually already started on condensing parts 1 and 2. I think at the very least it could be made into 2 very solid movies, or 1 very long movie but we shall see.

  • Palpatine

    Why bother watching 9 hours worth of film when can see the whole Hobbit story in over one hour:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6m0l3Yr1B50

  • sepiajack

    One thing I did find funny is I’m pretty sure that Alfred the wormy assistant to Stephen Fry’s character has more screen time and dialogue in this movie than either Martin Freeman’s Bilbo or Ian McKellan’s Gandalf or any of the non-Thorin Oakenshield dwarves.

    It seemed like Kate from Lost, Ronan the Accuser from GotG and Alfred the wormy guy had the most screentime, yet somehow that didn’t detract my enjoyment.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    not another evil empire… from a long time ago…

  • Sully

    Lol Gollum.

    I think I’ve seen an english dubbed version of this before, and it felt like it was 9hrs long.

  • sepiajack

    I actually think Toyko Drift is a very solid movie. I like Justin Lin, I was hoping for a director who is a bit less action focused, but Lin is a very good director. I must admit I am a fan of all his F&F movies, despite not being a ‘car guy’ at all. The guy knows how to construct a sequence and uses minimal CGI.

    He is DEFINITELY an improvement over Orci. It will just come down to script, if the script is good, then this movie will be great, if the script is bad, it will be like the last one: a well directed messy story.

  • sepiajack

    This is the last Tolkien story they have movie rights too, so this is it.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    i hate Captain Darling!!! wait, what are you talking about?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17fafupOKOE

  • sepiajack

    The SW prequels are incompetent on almost every level, say what you will about the Hobbit trilogy, but its not even remotely close to being the same mess those movies were.

  • Grant Armstrong

    The Raid is a movie that works even though it’s has an almost experimental amount of action in it, how would you compare Five Armies to it?

    And if you haven’t watched The Raid, make sure to watch the subtitled, the dub is awful.

  • Uncle Dan

    I really thought Going Postal was the most cinematic Discworld book of them all. Then I ended up really disappointed with the Sky One TV movie.

  • Earth

    I actually enjoyed this movie, but that’s because I’m a big fan of schlock Resident Evil style. Stuff like Legolas stepping from falling rock to falling rock was infinitely amusing for me, as was the fact that the orcs had apparently unlimited armies (as well as trolls, bats and worm monsters) and yet somehow lost.

    As a fan of the books and LOTR movies, this trilogy was kinda baffling to me in a number of ways. It probably was Peter Jackson’s fault that these films weren’t as great as they could’ve been, but I just get the vibe that there was a LOT of studio meddling by the producers.

    Here’s the conflict for me. While I love action schlock, I also want to see The Hobbit done justice in film, so I look forward to the fanedit. I really wish this had just been one or two movies long. There was no reason for a third film other than that either Jackson or the studio execs love money.

    Lastly, to Jay, love the hair.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    damn it! the descriptions from people are pushing this into so bad its good territory. i might have to watch it! for irony.

  • blau

    This is not the end of the Lord of the Rings series. Now we need to see three movies about how Sauromon became a bad guy. I see it as, he starts as a plucky wizard that everyone likes, then he befriends a clumsy Orc with a speech impediment. Then he meets Sauron and is tricked into believing dark magic can save his wife from dying in childbirth. This would make a much more compelling movie than just summing up his entire story with the sentence, “Sauromon had been seduced by Sauron.”

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Butt-hurt – tt-hu = BURT

    Better than “burnt.” No reason to edit.

    Approved and accepted.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Except that’s Bert.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    wow and i thought i never slept…

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    are you an Ex-Burt… yeah i got nothing.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    I’ve skipped them all.

  • Sully
  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Nicely done.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Everyone experiments in college.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    needs more dragons.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Jeebus, what hubris!

    “I hate that movies have become what I have helped make them,” Peter Jackson.
    “It’s our cultural heritage. I mean, it’s my cultural heritage. I mean, fyuck you. I’ll do what I want,” George Lucas.
    “I wanted instead to make a Bond movie,” Christopher Nolan.
    “If you need me, I’m at Oprah’s house,” Steven Spielberg.
    “There are going to be NINE Avatar sequels!,” James Cameron.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    ♪ ♫ Good Gawd, y’all ♫ ♪

  • Daniel

    “WHYDAWHYDOWH”….Best Mike moment in this video.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    *Stares up at the ceiling and yells* NO!!!!!!!!!! ! ! !! !

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    WORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! ! ! !

  • ytterligheten

    I’d like to see a sequence of the dwaves being squashed all goreylike. I am sure mr. Jackson could pull that off at least. it could and should have been a marvel style “easter egg” after the credits. splash!

  • Robby

    Saruman*

  • Guest

    WOAR!

  • Duckler

    Are these things still happening..?!

  • Palpatine

    Yeah, and we could also use a remake of “Halloween” where we learn that Michael Myers kills because he grew up in a broken home as a kid. That too would make a more compelling backstory than Donald Pleasence’s whole “devil’s eyes” speech… oh wait.

  • Robby

    There’s a dub of The Raid? Lord have mercy. I feel like the first one could even be watched without subtitles. There’s so much action, and the plot is very easy to follow (and there isn’t a whole lot of it). The visuals tell you pretty much all you need to know. Man, that action though…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uI-V0rrlZBo

  • Earth

    Rather than comparing the Hobbit to the Star Wars Prequels, I think Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Macguffin is a closer comparison. They’re movies that no one wanted to make (as seen through the difficulty of finding a director for the Hobbit), but they’re also movies that everybody wanted to see. And in the end everybody lost.

    Both Kingdom and Hobbit were disappointing followups to films that were universally acclaimed and popular. The difference between Kingdom and the Hobbit from the Prequels is that it’s harder to pinpoint exactly what was wrong with them (whereas with the Prequels it was painfully clear) but similar points to why they were disliked do shine through:

    Too many characters making it difficult for the audience to care about any of them, while also making it difficult for the director to give them something to do. Way too much action schlock forced in negating the storytelling, too much pandering and “well, we’ve gotta put that in too” (the number of times they referenced the ring being evil, and Legolas being in the movie), and of course the horrible overuse of CGI in the movies, destroying the realistic magic of the original films (while in LOTR you get lots of closeups of the awesome orc makeup and faces, I don’t think you see a single individual orc face in the Hobbit). Even Orlando Bloom was like Karen Allen in no longer having to work in a toll booth.

    Sadly, it’s just yet another chapter of What Could of been Great currently being written by George Lucas.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    My husband saw this video this morning, and the first thing he said was “He’s no longer the J in Phillip J Fry.”

  • Navon Sensei

    Blip.tv is broken for months. I can’t watch new videos on your page. Either I have to use a third party provider or have to wait for your youtube upload. This is frustrating. And it prevents me from commenting here.

  • WhatPlanetAmIOn

    As I said below, I was hoping for at least some close-ups of people fighting. You know, to see them struggling aganist opposition, feel the stakes and so on. In that sence some of the scenes of battle were somewhat similar to (this might be a bit of a stretch) Transformers movies: too much, too fast, hard to tell everyone apart. A bunch of stuff happening that is hard for you to care about or concentrate on.
    (Also, WhatPlanetImOn – Earth thing again)

  • dennett316

    and I wanna see the origins of Maggie’s pacifier.

  • dennett316

    I think 2 movies would be the sweet spot…one would be too bloated.

  • dollar store cashier wife

    Nah I can easily pinpoint from where most if not all issues of The Hobbit arise-it’s about taking a 200 page book for children and giving it the exact same cinematic treatment as a trilogy of books intended for an older audience with incomparable stakes and scope.

  • WhatPlanetAmIOn

    Didn’t mean to kill anything. Hope this completely non-photoshopped picture will help bring closure.
    (I took the liberty of making background betterer and more intense)

    http://i61.tinypic.com/25g6p3s.jpg

  • pp

    WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH

  • Sully

    I remember some Indy fans were irked by the UFO storyline. I personally didn’t see an issue with it. I mean, if you’re buying into hearts being ripped out, people’s faces melting off via ghost stares, and some dude being turned to dust because he took a sip from JC’s special cup, then the possibilty of interdimensional beings shouldn’t bother you.
    I wasn’t even bothered by the lost son of Indy storyline, nor the Cold War era time period. Some people were actually pissed that it wasn’t still Nazis.

    No it wasn’t any of that. T’was needless CGI that killed KOTCS.

    For the sake of comparison, everyone remembers the vehicle chase scenes in both Raiders andCrusade, and both were done 90% practically.

    I don’t think 1 practical shot made it into the jungle chase in Kingdom. It’s hard to get excited over cartoon monkeys and digital Shias. The 30sec sequence in Raiders when Indy takes control of the truck carrying the Ark is infinitely more exciting than ANY sequence in the whole of Kingdom.

    And then there’s this…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bwep_FFRwY

    Pound Sign: ET…PhoningItIn

  • pp

    I was going to write something unbelievably wry and clever about this stupid film but instead I’m drowning in my own saliva over jay’s new look… he’s so handsome I want all his fingernails

  • Sully

    Blip.tv isn’t broken, brah. Works fine from my end.

  • Where’s Paul Verhoeven?

    A 320 page book into a nine hour movie?

    Hollywood exec: “That’s a great idea, we need to Rasta up the main character by 35% though.”

    Hobbit 1 – Worldwide: $1,017,003,568

    Hobbit 2 – Worldwide: $958,366,855

  • Earth

    My name paid off in ways I could never have imagined.

  • Where’s Paul Verhoeven?

    Never!

  • pp

    I completely agree, the story was about as good as any of the other indie movies (except for maybe temple of doom? dunno, I’ve never liked that one), which are all very outlandish.

  • Sully

    Temple is the weakest of the original 3. I think it has to do with child sidekicks and, again, needless effects sequences.

  • pp

    Yeah, all that technical brilliance, and they missed the point of the story entirely.

  • Palpatine

    Well Temple is my personal favorite because, like Plinkett said, it took the most risks out of any of the other films.

  • Earth

    “What matters is the movies. I ain’t never read one them Star Wars books,
    or any books in general for that matter, and I ain’t about to start.”

    While I agree that they shouldn’t have made The Hobbit in the same way as the LOTR films, the fact that these movies were based on a 200 page book is irrelevant.

  • pp

    I also felt very confined in that movie, like the other indie flicks feel so expansive and full of mystery and adventure, like Corto Maltese or a Salgari novel, but this one made me feel claustrophobic, which was the point I guess, but isn’t what I like about the franchise.

  • pp

    while I can agree that the intention and hard work that went into it are both noble and laudable, the final product is what’s most important.

  • Sully

    It’s not a bad movie, it just isn’t my favorite in the series. My issue is I hate heroic kids in these kinds of movies. When Short Round was kicking those guards, all I could think was, “Dudes, there’s no fucking way that had any affect on any of you. Man up!”
    It’s like the little girl in Lost World.

  • MarioMCP

    Ugh. This episode was pretty bad by you guys.

    Now, before I say anything, I didn’t like this movie either. I didn’t enjoy it very much, and it just made me want to go watch the original LoTR trilogy.

    However, all you guys do this episode is say “I DON’T REMEMBER X!” or “WHY ARE THEY DOING Y!?” (and Y was clearly fucking told to you in the movie). Don’t criticize decisions in the movie when you’re literally not paying any fucking attention. Just for example, asking why the orcs need to go to the mountain. One of the characters asks “Why are the orcs coming here?” and Gandalf fucking tells them. If you actually watched the movie instead of killing your wi-I mean stealing plinkett’s life savin-I mean drinking, you might have known that.

    You guys do have some real complaints and obviously I’m not a fan of this movie, its just I can’t stand listening to you two literally tell eachother “I don’t remember this” ‘Yeah, I don’t remember it either, what was that?’

    Oh, and to say, even if this was a bad HitB, its still better than 99% of the internet. So keep on trucking… but please, pay attention to the movies you watch, and if you don’t want to, don’t complain about how you don’t know whats going on. I can watch the original starwas trilogy, with each movie a year or so apart, and go “WAIT, WHO IS THIS HAN SOLO GUY? WHY IS HE IN CARBONITE? WHY IS LUKE USING A LASER SWORD? WHO IS THE EMPEROR? IS THIS ROME? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DEATH STAR? THERE ARE TWO?!” and I’ll just look like a retard. Not to say I don’t already (considering I wrote three paragraphs of this shit) but still.

  • pp

    I’m not sure… maybe the fact that the book itself is different from the movie is irrelevant (in the sense that it is bound to be), but in my opinion what failed was the translation from one medium to the other, and that’s what DSCW was referring to, I think.

  • pp

    I reckon they are half joking most of the time, those “I forget about x” comments are meant to illustrate how ridiculously overwrought the story is, and also how sadly forgettable over half of its contents are.

  • Sully

    I want a six film epic about Shire living. Think Downton Abbey, but with short, furry footed assholes.

  • MarioMCP

    I don’t honestly think that. Jay may be joking a bit, but Mike has the look of a senile old man when talking about some of the shit in this movie.

  • Earth

    Fair enough. I’ll agree that these movies failed to capture the book in film. I guess what I was trying to say was that taking a 200 page book and making it into three films doesn’t necessarily make the movie bad (it’s just in this case it did)

  • pp

    YES HAVEN’T YOU HEARD!? THERE’S WOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!

  • Earth

    Personally I really love Temple of Doom. For me it’s the most visually exciting of the trilogy. You get a Shanghai car chase, the Himalayas and cool Indian landscapes. There’s devil worshipers, a fight on a bridge, a railway cart chase, fire and sacrifice, and little Indian kids.

  • pp

    But that’s because Mike is a senile old man.

  • pp

    stupid sexy little indian kids!

  • Palpatine

    Yeah, Temple does have it’s fair share of stupid moments, like this dumb scene:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuh8nrhAqhQ

  • pp

    Can confirm, the boyfriend and I actually sat down to watch The Raid sans substitles last week and it worked perfectly! Have you seen that monochromatic Soderbergh version of Raiders of the lost ark which replaces all the audio for like some awful german techno sonic vomit? It’s great!

  • Sully

    Just to experiment, you should walk the streets and ask people questions about the movie. You could ask things like:

    -What’s the actual name of the “Pale Orc?”
    -Name all the Dwarves in Thorin’s company? (Hint: I just named one)
    -We had Orcs, Elves, Dwarves, and Men. Who was the 5th army?

  • pp

    This is beautiful and perfect and now I am become Bliss the bedazzler of worlds

  • RLMkeepitup

    Battle of five armies? Talk about a cluster. I liked the battles in the LOTR films but the journey and characters were why people care. The battles were kinda there to support the story not become it. Too much battle actually be a distraction and numbing experience.

  • Dallas Cowboys For Life

    I didn’t lose because I like all of them and the LOTR.

  • Sully
  • Hank_Henshaw

    5th army was either ghosts or goblins.

  • instant relief

    I reckon Jay’s new expensive looking hairstyle was paid with Patreon money?! :O

  • Joss

    Here’s the thing though. If the dwarves released Smaug and the film showed zero attempt to stop it, I don’t think we could sympathise with these characters any more. They’re pretty selfish as it is, but if they wrought all that destruction and were just like, meh, fuckem, I don’t think we’d care about their gold, monarchy, or daddy issues, etc.

  • pp

    you shut your filthy whore mouth!

  • Hank_Henshaw

    UFO choice, while questionable, I wouldn’t name in my “Top 10 Problems with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” list. CGI is certainly in my top 10, but not in my top 5.

  • pp

    whatever it is, it’s working IT’S WORKING!!

  • jeff brady

    That bit about these not being so bad as the prequels spoke to me. I convinced myself to watch the first (Jackson “Hobbit” movie) on this basis. I couldn’t trick myself into watching a second, though.

  • sepiajack

    The Eagles

  • sepiajack

    I found the Raid boring.

  • pp

    WHY DON’T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU RACIST

  • sepiajack

    Yeah and the ending of movie 1 with the dragon eye opening was a pretty great way to end it. I would cut out all that stuff with them in the burning trees and the white orc though, just go straight from the caves under the mountain to them looking out in the distance.
    The white orc plot definitely feels like it was added in when they decided to pad out the running time to 3 films.

  • sepiajack

    Fair point, I still think I would prefer it that way, and I don’t think the Dwarf plight is very sympathetic anyways.

  • Earth

    Personally I enjoyed them (for the most part), but I can understand why people were frustrated or disappointed by these movies.

  • Indiana

    It’s the movie’s job to capture the audiences attention, and to keep said audience in the palm of its hand for the duration.

  • Samson

    The orcs’ motivation would have been more memorable if it was shown and built up, instead of mentioned once by a wizard.

  • Indiana

    Or ghouls and ghosts.

  • Joss

    You make an awful lot of assumptions. Firstly: “They shouldn’t have had to rewatch the other movies to know what’s going on”. Not only would this rule out an awful lot of critically acclaimed sequels (Godfather Part 2, Empire Strikes Back, how about Return of the goddamned King!) but it’s a pretty poor understanding of the organic nature of media consumption. We live in the information age, media is no longer made to be unitary. If you tuned into Breaking Bad or Community during the last season you wouldn’t know what was going on, you wouldn’t watch Captain America 2 if you didn’t know who Captain America was, and you’d be very confused if you hadn’t seen the other Marvel films. Most importantly though, you completely miss the point of Battle of the Five Armies, which exists as the final film in the Hobbit trilogy and as a bridge to the LOTR films. If you haven’t seen, or don’t remember any of them, then this film just isn’t made for you and you’re going to get very little out of it.

    Secondly, “That’s what a review is for or, at least, that’s what reviews are SUPPOSED to be for”. There are many different kinds of reviewers and they all tackle the job in different ways, only a small part of that job is to “tell you whether you should see the film or not”. You have to be pretty slow witted to decide whether to go to the cinema or not because a stranger on the internet told you to do it. Reviewers generally analyse films in different ways. Jeremy Jahns gives quite a simple summary of what he thought was cool and what he liked, Chris Stuckman is similar but he talks slightly more from the perspective of a film-maker. Mark Kermode, as a trained critic, often analyses the themes and substance of a movie. Oliver Harper reviews films giving away their entire plot and discussing the making-of, tie in media, etc, while Yourmoviesucks.org critiques the whole film. Red Letter Media got their break because of Star Wars, the Plinkett reviews are for people who have already seen the films and enjoy listening to an analysis of those movies, and Half in the Bag brings a similar vibe. Mike analyses the films from a broader perspective, Jay is more intuitive. Reviewers like Jeremy Jahns and, to an extent Mark Kermode, are quite good to help you decide whether a film is worth seeing, but the majority of people watch the other reviewers after they have already seen the film in order to hear an interesting analysis and find out what the reviewers, who they like personally, thought of the film.

    Basically you’re assumptions are pretty outdated, they come from when TV had 5 channels and the only way to watch a film was to borrow it from blockbuster, or when you’d watch Ebert and Siskel or Jonathan Ross on a Friday night to decide whether to go to the pictures. That’s not our world any more, it’s not how film and media are consumed or created.

  • diehounderdoggen

    I don’t even remember that. These movies have fuckled my brain.

  • Like Icare

    I don’t know if it is three hours of sleep I got last night, being dead tired from all that walking I did today hunting for a decent screwdriver, the level of carbon monoxide in the air… but I just lost it when Mike giggled and said “Yeah.” on the electricity question.

  • Joss

    I have the privileged position of having not read the book, so I am able to view the films entirely on their own terms. It is clear though, from both interviews with PJ and the films themselves, that the intention was never simply to adapt the Hobbit story into a movie but to build on what they had already established in the LOTR films. Obviously this was never a part of the book, but on the whole I think it works.

    I find the world-building in The Hobbit much better than in LOTR because every place they visit feels alive, it feels inhabited. Middle Earth in LOTR felt empty, it entirely consisted of the main characters all performing their central missions, and nameless extras (CGI or otherwise) running around fields with the occasional CGI castle or waterfall in the background. In The Hobbit everywhere they visit breathes with life, the elaborate sets (which are beautifully integrated with the backdrops) are overflowing with characters who eat, sing, laugh, fight and generally burst out of their roles. I think the reason for this is because there is so little necessary story for the films to follow that they are allowed to develop in a completely natural way. Not everyone will agree with me, but I don’t feel like a single scene in the nine hours of (extended) Hobbit movies goes on too long – except perhaps some of the action scenes, but to be honest I do get caught up in those so I don’t really mind.

    I can’t really talk about Battle of the Five Armies as it feels totally incomplete. Seriously, about half the film seemed to be missing, so I generally found it quite confusing. Rather than seeing it again at the cinema I will wait for the complete extended edition to be released next year before I can really judge the final film, I have to say I find it terrible that such a butchered cut can be released as a theatrical version but hey, audiences seem to like it so what do I know.

    As for the book being childish, I don’t know, but I think you can tell a children’s tale in an adult way if you develop interesting, complex characters and tell the story well. The Hobbit films are filled with humour that I imagine children find entertaining, but very little of it would I consider childish.

  • Caped Crusader

    Gundabad goblins I’d say.

  • Caped Crusader

    What movie did you see? Return of the King had the Army of the Dead.
    Battle of the Five Armies didn’t have anything at all like that though…

  • VvdD

    I think we are missing the point here, they are at the bottom of a lake. Clearly Plinkett used to be a talented barber somewhere in the 1920’s.

  • Charon

    Mmmm…New Amsterdam gin. Almost as good as Bombay Sapphire.

  • Caped Crusader

    I enjoyed all the Hobbit movies, though not as much as LOTR. I also enjoyed the 3rd Hobbit (BOTFA) the most among the three of them.

    LOTR was so good and ground-breaking (not to mention this whole “Middle Earth” thing was new and fresh to the casual viewer — now it’s old hat), compared to the Hobbit where a lot of the same tricks and elements were used, although not always as effectively.

    I don’t want to bash it though, as I felt it was good and will certainly add the Extended Edition to my collection to watch again once that comes out.
    I’ve also read the books (LOTR and The Hobbit, among other Tolkien works) and believe that they can be enjoyed independently from the books, despite not being literal carbon-copies of the book to the screen. (which I don’t think I’d want anyway)

  • Chewbacca

    Rooorrrr roooarrr roompf (Translation:)

    Yeah, sorry to be the nerd/nerf here.
    – Azog

    – Balin, Dwalin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Ori, Dori, Nori, Oin, Gloin, Fili, Kili and Thorin.

    – Eagles certainly were the fifth army, though one couldn’t really tell from the movie.
    I promise that was written without looking it up. But I get what you mean.

    Another point: To be honest, I also didn’t enjoy this episode very much. There might have been some interesting things to say, but these guys felt burned out. They somehow had to do a half in bag (which might be a drag for them, lately considering their releases) and do the third hobbit. Others might have had enough material to get a full Plinkett out of it, but I really can’t blame them for not doing so if it just isn’t their teritory. I really like the way these dwarfes were portrayed, since they didn’t had much to do in the book. I am not 100% sure I can give out the character traits by heart, from every dwarf… but most of them, I guess. Jackson succeeded in some points and failed in others I would gladly elaborate, but I know no one cares.
    Roooar rofl rompppf

  • Caped Crusader

    agreed.
    The order of best to worst (IMO) is:
    Raiders
    Lost Crusade
    Temple
    Kingdom

    And for Kingdom to be below Temple means it was pretty bad.

  • Sully

    Points for knowing your shit, but I suspect, Chewie, that you’re hardly the average filmgoer.

  • Benzo

    Some of the Tolkienses are still alive.

  • Caped Crusader

    It would actually be closer to 10 or 11 hours if you’re watching all three LOTR extended versions.
    ….and you missed out.

  • Chewbacca

    Come on, man. You try sitting in a movie theatre being 8 ft tall. Also getting constantly attacked by popcorn isn’t great either. That shit sticks in the fur…

  • Caped Crusader

    Yet you felt the need to come tell us that you didn’t watch them.

  • Caped Crusader

    You thought the battle was confusing?
    hmmm. interesting.

  • Thanatos2k

    Pretty much my views about the movie. You knew which characters had plot armor, so it had a “I know what’s going to happen” vibe going for it which isn’t usually good. The battle sequence was “epic” but rather boring. Making this movie felt like an obligation rather than trying to do something interesting.

    I disagree with Jay that this was the best of the Hobbit movies, I’d go with the second one.

  • Caped Crusader

    helped in no small part by the excellent voice and acting ability of Benedict Cumberbatch.

  • Thanatos2k

    Not really. Why WERE they keeping Gandalf in a cage instead of just killing him?

  • Sully

    I’m a fox, brah. I’m constantly getting shit for my ears.

  • ytterligheten

    more than anything it was boring. since the characters and content in general led me to not care about what was going on lol. my mild confusion mostly surrounded the spatial elements “where are they now in relation to what now?” and also trying to figure out which the fifth army was lol.

    but yeah, I should replace “confusing” with “tedious shlocky screen clutter”

  • Thanatos2k

    Wrong! “It’s working!” comes from the actual movie, but is lampooned on the Phantom Menace Plinkett Commentary track!

  • Thanatos2k

    It’s only been like 11 months! If the movies are so unmemorable they’re out of your brain in less than a year….

  • Thanatos2k

    I’ve asked this question to my friends and no one really has a good answer.

    If someone hadn’t seen any of the LOTR/Hobbit movies and knew nothing about LOTR, would you recommend they watch the Hobbit trilogy first?

  • ytterligheten

    Well yes, it was boring more than confusing. I should replace “confusing” with “tedious shlocky screen clutter”.

  • Thanatos2k

    I ate at Denny’s yesterday. They did NOT have the Hobbit menu!

  • Thanatos2k

    At least this movie had a good “Things that starts the movie off at the beginning”

  • Caped Crusader

    That’s just what happens when you shoot LOTR when Orlando Bloom is barely over 20 (he turned 21 in 1998), versus The Hobbit movies when he was more like 34-35 (he’s 37 now).
    They probably could have done a better job with makeup or whatever, as I agree that he looked strange throughout The Hobbit series, like too CGI’d and his eyes weren’t quite right.
    But part of it is just natural and expected comparison of a guy in his early 20s vs a guy in his mid 30s.

  • david dallas

    In my opinion, each Hobbit movie has gotten progressively worse. I
    thought the second one was almost unwatchable. This one was just one
    long ending to a movie. Poor Beron. Blink and you miss him. Much
    better character in the novel.

  • Thanatos2k

    Clearly Plinkett was behind the Sony hack.

  • Thanatos2k

    To be fair, Sauron is originally defeated by some guy on his back desperately flailing his sword. Kind of weak for a godlike guy to go out in the first place, so Aragorn going toe to toe for a little bit isn’t that far fetched.

  • Thanatos2k

    No, because this movie out did it. You know when he’s jumping off the falling rocks as the bridge collapses? Ok, theoretically possible to push down on the rock hard enough in mid air to propel yourself upwards a little, but doing so would cause that rock to move downwards a lot faster, yes? Because you pushed down on it harder than other rocks which are just falling because of gravity?

    Didn’t happen in the movie. I was watching closely. It’s just CGI garbage.

  • Thanatos2k

    Shit, I didn’t stay after the credits. I missed it!

  • Thanatos2k

    It’s Rise of the Cobra Surfer.

  • Thanatos2k

    Yeah a shiny crystal that does….something.

    Oh yeah, after Bard puts the crystal into his shirt after their negotiations at the gate, it’s NEVER SEEN AGAIN! I guess it wasn’t that important after all.

  • Thanatos2k

    Yeah but they’re in like…full armor with helmets.

  • Thanatos2k

    Not really. Because they’re using that 200 book to market the movie.

    I would actually have WAY more respect for them if they had just created an entirely new Middle Earth scenario with new characters and a new story that had nothing to do with LOTR or the Hobbit.

    LOTR fans would flip the fuck out, but at least they wouldn’t have been chained down by the story of the book.

  • Thanatos2k

    Mysticism vs Science. Indiana Jones was about mysticism and religion. Aliens are on the science fiction part of the spectrum.

    They don’t go together at all. At ALL.

  • Thanatos2k

    So what the fuck happened to the Arkenstone? After Bard slips it into his shirt pocket after their negotiations it’s never seen or heard from again. Wasn’t it supposed to be super important? Guess not!

  • Caped Crusader

    The fifth army was the goblins. Or, more specifically, the Gundabad goblins.
    I think the only potentially confusing spatial aspect was perhaps that the orcs attacked Erebor from two different fronts. The white orc/Azog ordered his army to attack from different location after the initial wave of attacks. This, I suppose, was a little confusing, but nothing that was doomed to leave viewers in the dark.

  • Philip Shafer

    I haven’t watched a single Hobbit movie yet. I don’t I ever will.

  • Caped Crusader

    He was the “Wormtongue” of The Hobbit movies (2 & 3 anyway…), except Wormtongue was a better villain, and more interesting.

  • Caped Crusader

    seriously? I saw it twice and didn’t stay until the very end of the credits either time.

  • Caped Crusader

    I agree that it looked great. The sweeping landscapes, the Shire at the end, Smaug torching Laketown…..it all looked great.
    What I didn’t really like was the CGI-heavy look that Legolas’ face had…..as well as Dain. OMG! He didn’t even look real.

  • Caped Crusader

    Exactly. it’s a strategic position for anyone (or army) looking for dominion over Middle Earth.

    While it’s clearer in the books, they never really mention in the movie what happens to the Arkenstone, or the necklace with gems “of pure starlight”.
    So, did Thranduil get the necklace? This wasn’t shown or stated that I recall.

  • Caped Crusader

    Gandalf is as close to Jesus as it’s going to get.

  • Caped Crusader

    The dragon died in the beginning because that’s what happened in the book!
    Did you even read the book? Because if you didn’t, that’s what happens.
    Smaug escapes Erebor and torches Laketown.
    Bard kills Smaug.
    Battle of the Five Armies ensues at Erebor.

  • Caped Crusader

    This is a fantasy world, not real life.
    Elves are extremely light-footed and graceful.
    Remember the scene in LOTR when they turned away from Misty Mountains to go into Moria? Remember that Legolas didn’t leave any footprints in the snow when everyone else did?
    That’s why.

  • Caped Crusader

    Yep, they’re called Ents and they were in Tolkien’s works.

  • Caped Crusader

    Isn’t Kim a girl? I can’t really tell.

  • Caped Crusader

    The Frighteners was pretty good.
    Didn’t see King Kong. DIdn’t interest me and it got crappy reviews.

    A good campy movie he made a while back was “Dead Alive”. Can’t get enough of zombie monkey-thing. Cult classic thoroughly enjoyed many a night by friends and I in college.

  • Brack to the Future

    Oh crap, all this time I thought Hobbit was a verb meaning a certain form of subway frottage.

    Thanks to Jay and Mike I now know it’s a thing. I have spent the last few hours enduring the reading of the Silmarillion and the Rings books, and I’m pretty sure Exeter’s going to dock my paycheck for this last Earth cycle. And I needed that money for Brylcreem.

    Curse you, Stoklasa and Baumann.

  • Caped Crusader

    Ohhhh I’m sure you’re right.
    Just wait for Disney to buy the rights and they’ll knock out another 3-4 movies in five years.
    And it would be an even bigger, steaming pile of refuse.

  • Caped Crusader

    I remember an interview with Christopher Lee (might have seen it on the appendices of one of the movies) that he reads LOTR about once a year.
    So, yeah, he’s a huge fan and I’m sure enough of a Tolkien purist to keep Jackson in-line.

  • Brack to the Future

    Have you ever been or are you now a complete nerd? Also, thanks to the Great Studio Hack of 2014 we know (because Sony Pics talked about it) that there is another Tolkien in the works, and thanks to The Hyping Hype Of The Bardhype™ The Bard™ is probably the subject of the next movie. Think of it as The Return Of The Soapstone™ Copyright © 2015.

  • Brack to the Future

    >>>I don’t I ever will.<<<
    You shouldn't start. The last time I ever willed, I awoke on a ferry returning from Mackinac Island with a hangover and a serious case of what you humans call "crotch rot."

    Thankfully, I'd also bought a lovely piece of scrimshaw and silver that adorns my florg to this day, improving my erections and also eradicating the infection.

  • sepiajack

    How is that racist?

  • koyaa

    i didn’t think it was a bad movie at all, but i thought this one was the weakest, like in every franchise the third movie tends to be the weakest (back to the future 3, the godfather 3, return of the jedi, etc).

  • Sully

    Lee was also the only person who worked on the saga that had actually met Tolkien.

  • Thanatos2k

    If Elves were weightless, the bridge would never have collapsed under his weight in the first place!

  • Sully

    Depends. The way the aliens were portrayed in KOTCS was more mystical than scientific. Magnets that attract gold, detached crystal bones that possess mind-control capabilities and can separate and combine at will? That’s some pretty mystical shit, even by Sci-fi standards, plus these particular aliens were worshipped as gods, so…

  • Sully

    True, but that was a lucky swipe of the sword. I’m sure Isildur went around all like “I did that shit on purpose, yo.” But we all know what’s up. That was a blind panic swing.
    Sauron isn’t going to make that mistake twice.

  • Sully

    If they hadn’t seen LOTR nor read any of the books? Yes definitely. Good sword and sorcery films are few and far between, and as bloated as the Hobbit became, they’re still not terrible movies.

    IMHO, they’re fun to watch whether one has read the books or not, so yeah… I would.

  • eon davidson

    Mike is awesome at giving haircuts. Come do me, I mean mine, Mike.

  • Sully

    What about the Matrix? Both sequels were subpar, but which was worse? Reloaded or Revolutions?

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Aw. And you wanted to fill your hobbit hole.

  • Brack to the Future

    Neither. I just think most people misunderstood they were one story, the second part of which (Rev.) successfully parodied CG to its own detriment.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    I was answering a direct question, douche.

  • Joshua CW

    He’s being facetious.

  • Sully

    Are you saying Revolutions can’t be compared to Reloaded because they’re supposed to be one continued story? What kind of shit is that?
    So we can’t compare Fellowship to Towers to Return? They’re one continued story. What about Back to the Future? It was setup as one long continued story?

    And you think the CG in the Matrix was done as a “parody?” Like… on purpose?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Might I suggest the subtext or the video, or the real criticism they’re presenting, is that the film doesn’t actually make you care about the details that are happening nor make you that invested in the story.

    I’m pretty sure Jay followed along easily in the LotR films, yet it seems those were about as dense plot-wise as these films. They’re trying to highlight that the film doesn’t give you much of a reason to care. It’s the same with how they’ve mentioned before a good film still has plotholes but it’s good enough that you either don’t notice them or don’t care about said plotholes.

    Also, they do take some responsibility to forgetting these things. They explicitly mention this in the review, but then say there’s just something about the films that isn’t very engaging.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    “Now this is franchise building!”

  • pp

    I was just fucking with you, sepiajack.

  • eon davidson

    Plinkett house exploded up to surface by North Korean missile. I called this, like, two months ago.

  • Caped Crusader

    Well, I admit that’s a silly inconsistency.
    Maybe we are talking about video games here and he went into some sort of uber/god mode when he started his jumping.

  • dick_the_bday_boy

    I am filled with shame.

  • el_diperto

    yeah man, i read it a longtime ago, i was only referring to the fact that the “reason” (the pseudo cliffhanger) was resolved in less than five minutes into the movie and thought it was quite dull for that reason.

  • Caped Crusader

    That’s amazing, and I can certainly believe it. Lee has been in Hollywood movies dating all the way back to the 50’s and 60’s with the “Hammer” Dracula films and the like.

    And Lee is 92, so even though Tolkien died in 1973, Christopher Lee was 51 at the time.

  • Brack to the Future

    Reloaded is a new story, about the Construct. Revolutions is a simple “chain-gun at the sky” continuation. Consider Elizabeth Bishop’s The Armadillo for precedence, an impotent shaking of a fist at God.

    Rev is the cementing of the idea of multiple realities within the perceived reality of misery under the world, eating mush and fighting crime in the Nebuchadnezzar. Even Zion was a fallacy.

    And in the end, it’s an old black lady and a white asshole sitting on a bench, earning 20 percent.

  • Caped Crusader

    Again, you skipped all the movies, yet still find it necessary to go talk about it on a thread specifically about said movie(s)?

    Do you have a life?
    #winning

  • playdude92 .

    This is not the end to Middle Earth movies. At best, it´s the end to Peter Jackson directed Middle Earth movies.

    They´ll make more LotR, just as they´re making more Star Wars. No wonder Zombies are so popular these days. An Undead industry.

  • Milton Dammers

    I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m going to invest in the technology just to give these three movies the fan edit they need. I reckon I can get part 2 down to 40 minutes.

  • Wizard Phoenix

    I don’t care about the film to comment. Go see Wild, it’s better.

  • Mike Magnum

    On Top of not re-watching the movies. I wonder if they re-watch their own reviews. It seems like they were a lot more charitable the last time.

  • Big McLargehuge

    Yes, but is this year’s The Hobbit™: The Battle of the Five Armies™ special-edition menu at Denny’s™ any good?

  • Big McLargehuge

    fuck, shouldn’t have said that before watching

  • marcedward

    Hey, you still have the cup that soda came in.

  • marcedward

    If were to hire a dude to film battles or make creepy giant sets or horrific monsters, I’d sure hire Peter Jackson. OTOH, if I needed a script for a Cat Litter or Tampon commercial, I wouldn’t hire Peter Jackson if you put a gun to my head. He butchers an original manuscript worse than Dino Dilaurentis did with DUNE. If he did a cat litter commercial there’d be too many characters and at no point would the many plots actually converge on cat litter. His tampon commercial would be a series of arching stories involving a love triangle, monsters and a long battle involving dangerous leaps and falling from great heights, all shot in 3-D

  • Thanatos2k

    Orrrrrr you can just admit the CGI frauds fucked up.

  • sepiajack

    Oh I see. Sorry it’s the internet, I’m condition to expect the absolute worst from people so I often take ‘dumb’ comments at face value, and still nobody has invented a sarcasm font…

  • pp

    😉

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    That’s actually pretty clever. Good find, Domo [except for the Christmas pool incident].

  • Bob Borries

    With today’s industry the LotR reboot is just a few years away.

  • nd4spd

    I agree. Plus the tone was off, why wasn’t Indy shooting cunts?

  • nd4spd

    Shots fired

  • nd4spd

    I love L8wrtr’s Prequel fanedits. Not masterpieces, and can’t ever fix every complaint but great movies imo.

  • Admiral Bone-to-Pick

    Congratulations, RLM has more guts than Sony.

  • Like Icare

    It’s not a single thing. Most cases, it never is a single thing.
    UNLESS… It’s the script.
    And even that one has a caveat – everyone must accept the shitty script.

    Pirates of the Caribbean is an example of “saved by a NO” – with Depp creating the character that made the franchise.
    Original Star Wars trilogy…

    CGI alone would not have been the problem any more than it was with… “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy”.
    That movie has HORRIBLE, POINTLESS CGI for things like a shot of people sitting in a car. Or two guys walking out to a street.
    It’s below TV quality.

    But, everything else (mostly actors and the story) worked so nobody rants about that.

    Crystal Skull had script issues, pointless scenes of gophers and fridges and monkeys and ants, various editing nonsense, several pointless characters which made for superfluous characters around the main character who’s supposed to be a lone wolf adventurer, sanitizing of the franchise (that’s a big one), ridiculously non-threatening villains… THEN the CGI.

    And you can’t even blame the script on the pussyfication of the franchise which had people’s faces melting, Indy killing people left and right, hearts being ripped out of people’s chests, decapitations, people crushed, pierced…

    They just don’t make them as they used to…

  • The PwnUltimate

    It’s true. It seems like half of the movies’ critics dislike them for not being faithful enough to the book, and the other half dislike them for general problems… which are there because they were in the book. This is an unwinnable scenario for PJ.

  • The PwnUltimate

    Exactly. Gandalf spells out pretty clearly that the Orcs want to capture the mountain for its strategic location. I know that “The movie bored me, so I didn’t pay attention to the details” is a valid complaint, but there’s no point in complaining about those details in that case; just complain about the larger problems and leave it at that.

    And the whole “I don’t remember the previous movies, but it shouldn’t matter” point isn’t really fair. Return of the King’s plot is much more complex than this film, and it contains just as much recap.

  • The PwnUltimate

    Azog has a torture fetish.

  • The PwnUltimate

    They take down a dragon, and it culminates in a massive battle between 4 species plus gigantic talking Eagles and a were-bear. I don’t know what edition of The Hobbit you read, but my copy was pretty gosh-darn epic – even if Tolkien had a habit of saying “Oh, by the way, Bilbo, while you were asleep 200 epic things happened.” and “Yeah, I was having an awesome fight with Sauron this whole time. Not going to tell you about it, though.”

  • Tommy Cullen

    I would really, really love to see Plinkett reviews of these Hobbit films. I know this video dismisses comparisons to the Star Wars prequels, but I promise you that from the standpoint of a huge LOTR fan they are EXACTLY alike. All the key elements are there, including woefully underdeveloped characters, a straightforward story bloated beyond belief and stretched painfully thin over three movies, endless laboured references to the original trilogy (they rhyme!), shoehorning in familiar characters that have no place in the story being told, an over-reliance on digital FX that look infinitely worse than the practical ones used years before, and a distinct lack of care from a director who seemingly doesn’t give a shit anymore. Sure, Peter Jackson’s motivation for making these movies may have been less “I’m the King of the World and deserve all the money therein” and more “Noone will leave me alone until I make these movies, might as well give it a shot” but the end result is roughly the same. Fuck you, Rick Berman.

  • Like Icare

    Fuck that shit!

    We need a Game of Thrones rip off, chronicling the fall of men and rise of Nazgul.
    There are SEASONS of court intrigue and backstabbing at various kingdoms of men to be dragged on for years, while dropping a character mention here and there to remind us that it’s all happening in Middle Earth.
    And they could even bring on a sexy Sauron and show us how he lost his sexy human look and became the smoke monster.

    From the Island.

    Of Numenor.

    And how Beorn became the bear.

  • Mr.Fister

    I like the Frankenstein reference at the end of the movie: “Its wooorkiiiing!”

  • Jason

    I just realized Mike and Jay might be a little jaded and cynical when it comes to moopies.

  • My ex wife

    Too long, did not watch.

  • My ex wife

    “Fairly entertaining but mostly pointless.”

    This sums up mainstream movies nicely and could be THE review of every blockbuster thing from now on, forever. life.

  • My ex wife

    But they were both drinking coffee, coincidence?

  • My ex wife

    We’re here to listen to Mike and Jay chat about stuff because they are entertaining. Most of the time I couldn’t care less what film they are talking about.

    #LionBrain

  • Mugato1

    The Star Wars prequels have more of a story than the Hobbit films.

  • guy

    I don’t think they’re really being that cynical. Jump-the-shark “additions” to the story and bad CGI aside, much of the Hobbit’s charm is in its simplicity and “bedside fairy tale” style. This trilogy misses the forest for its trees. Not even terrible enough to remember.

    But who cares? It’s pretty and overacted and people will watch it. You can’t get upset about these things. That’s what the VOICES want you to do.

  • Bahareh Khosravi

    That’s the perfect metaphor for the Hobbit movies, that Hobbit soda cup right tharr! minimum tonic required to still technically be called gin and tonic, shit load of gin to make you forget that this ain’t no gin and tonic.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Yeah, but compared to LOTR the stakes aren’t that high. If Bilbo failed the worst that happens is some lake men die and Smooouug keeps all the gold. Plus I can sit down and read The Hobbit in it’s entirety in a few hours, I can’t do that with LOTR.

    Perhaps my expectation of “epic” is higher than it should be.

  • NicholasRibcage

    I laughed out loud at the BATS OF WAR!

  • NicholasRibcage

    Your opinion is wrong. The movies suck.

  • NicholasRibcage

    Are you serious? You cared about the journey and characters in LOTR…? Jesus Christ.

  • NicholasRibcage

    LOTR was good?

  • NicholasRibcage

    It’s ’cause they’re underwater, fraud.

  • 24601

    I thought Thranduil’s battle moose was beyond absurd…. That’s saying something considering all the other stuff packed into this flick….

    And whatever happened with the arcenstone? Did they just kind of drop it somewhere?

  • Kawaii as Fuck

    waaaaaar!

  • Kawaii as Fuck

    Yaaaaa think? Can’t say I blame them though.

  • Phillie Em

    I’m right, as I said the references are from The Phantom Menace (movie) AND it’s DVD extras. Read carefully before you attempt to troll, please.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.
  • The PwnUltimate

    Of course. I was just saying that The Hobbit is not a leisurely hike around the countryside, and the ‘epic’ tone doesn’t feel inappropriate.

    I’m impressed that you can read 300+ pages in just a few hours, though!

  • Wicked Ricky

    I see it was so uninteresting that they couldn’t be bothered to review it for most of the episode.

    That’s about how I feel about it.

  • koyaa

    ok

  • It’s me

    *facepalm* …they were referencing Star Wars 1

  • Mr.Fister

    what is star wars 1? I remember only a new hope and there no body said that!

  • playdude92 .

    “Saruman?” “Sauron” “Sorkin?” “Sauron” “Serkis?” “Sauron” “Moron?” “Close enough”

  • Thanatos2k

    Ah, but the fact that they used the line inappropriately to the actions and tone on screen IS the joke explained in the Phantom Menace Plinkett Commentary track! It’s quite clearly a reference to that.

  • yrulaughing418

    This episode had the same cliffhanger ending as Desolation of Smaug!

  • futurebrain

    The special effects are magical.

  • Graceless

    hey mike prepares his gin and tonic just like i do

  • Frunobulax

    If I recall correctly from the book, they buried Thorin with the Arkenstone. There’s probably footage that will be added in the extended edition Blu-Ray.

  • Jon Fite

    You know what I noticed? The Elf army never fired a single arrow.

  • Welcome Back Otter

    It’s always harder to have an entertaining opinion when you’re opinion is ‘meh’. Love and hate, that’s what makes for the best reviews (which is why BotW is so great … It’s almost entirely ‘hate’)

  • Welcome Back Otter

    I believe Tolkien’s son holds the rights to everything else, and he hates all the movies. Otherwise it would be: ‘Coming 2016: The Silmarillion!’

  • Welcome Back Otter

    I think the issue was more that there was nothing surprising or new about being aliens – it was just ‘oh aliens yet again’ like in a million other films . I still think they should have made Fate of Atlantis, as the game had a great story and kept the tone of the originals beautifully.

  • Welcome Back Otter

    I kept thinking about the TV series Vikings during the movie and about how well shot the battles in that are. Smaller scale, but you always have a great sense of who is doing what to whom, on both a personal and group level.

  • Marvin Falz

    True. Indifference makes you not care and when you don’t care you don’t think about it. I’m a sucker for ‘hate’ comedy which is why I thoroughly enjoy(ed) sitcoms like Married with Children and Cheers or comics like Lewis Black and Bill Hicks. And of course Red Letter Media. They all make light of what is bad in real life and since I don’t care for being taught a lesson when it comes to entertainment value, dark comedy gives me a chance to hear, see and laugh at taboos and which outright madness. Thank Rich for dark comedy.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Aw, bubbie.

  • My ex wife

    😀

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    “Can’t forget da dragon, Smeee-aaa-ewwwgh.” — Coach Z

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    Like The Bard? William Shakesman? Shatner?

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    “Did someone say battle moose?” — Sarah Palin

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    If I was at the bottom of a lake, I’d be cynical too.

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    Time to re-boot Ralph Bakshi’s dead heart!

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    Would you consider The Book of Mormon to be The Bible 3? Because that’s definitely the weakest entry in the trilogy.

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    It became a New Age musician.

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    Why sully it with tonic?

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    He got the money giving handjobs to pigeons. It’s HITB canon.

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    They tarried five leagues and then sang six verses about trees and shit. Repeat for 500 pages.

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference
  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    Or Jack White.

  • koyaa

    LOL

  • koyaa

    i’m surprised they didn’t mention the ridiculous scene where legolas runs mid air on stones that form a disintegrating stair

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    yeah but wood-elves are useless drunken bastards. they dont even put tonic in their gin.

  • the corpse of Andrew Thompson.

    they really dont.

  • Jack

    disclaimer…I’m not a lord of the rings fan boy IN THE LEAST, I enjoyed the movies and also just saw each of these hobbit movies only once, and I gotta say I had no problem understanding what was going on. It was a pretty simple story to be honest. And the Orcs didn’t want the gold they wanted the mountain for its strategic position in the Sauron’s upcoming attempt to take over middle earth again. They said that pretty clearly at least twice. The battle started off being about the gold between the dwarves and the elves but it ended up being about stopping Sauron’s forces from taking the mountain. It was pretty much full blown lord of the rings prequel at this point

  • yodgonbooze

    around the time of Empire, somebody after watching the Holy Grail, thinking about the script mentioned, ”swords while cool, kind of really are just hacking weapons, designed basically to hack off limbs”,he said, and the reply was fast and condescending, ”but we can’t have blood gushing out of people in a kids movie, that was a comedy, this is a serious moment”, they said, rather bemused, ”but the script requires an amputation” he argued, ”well cut away no problem, it’s amazing what editing can do” the director exclaimed, ”but the wound, won’t people wonder why he isn’t gushing blood?”. And that conundrum plagued the board meeting all that afternoon. Later that night Lucas, tossing and turning in the wee hours, suddenly dawned on him, ”we shall have no blood”, he said to himself, ”my laser sword will severe the limb and then melt the wound instantaneously, genius!” he proclaimed himself. Cut to a few years later and at the production meeting of the Hobbit, a similar moment takes place, some guy says, ”like everybody has a sword in this movie, should we pull a Lucas and say that our swords not only glow, but…”, and the reply was fast and condescending, ”forget about it, this is the age of the tent pole blockbuster, we don’t need high drama”, they said, ”people see battles all the time now in like every other movie, people are dumb these days they really just go to the movies now for the popcorn, besides, we already got the Oscars, this crap is just shits and giggles, caviar anybody?”,”true dat”, everybody exclaimed in unison, and they made a toast, ”to us!” they said chortling, and polishing their gold teeth in the reflections of the champagne flutes.

  • Robby

    “I can see The Lonely Mountain from my living room!”
    -Sarah Palin

  • Craig

    No. The Scouring of the Shire always felt out of place even in the book and I never liked it. It comes off as an excuse for Tolkien to use the word “ruffian” as many times as possible.

    And in the book, Sauron already was “back” in that he had a physical form at the time of the war of the Ring.

  • Sully

    Sauron was definitely a stronger presence than he’d been since losing the ring, but he was far from “back.”
    And I rather liked the Scouring. It showed the pettiness of malice.

  • yodgonbooze

    The Hobbit, The Battle of the Nobody Really Cares That Much. ”Pete, mate, you simply can’t go from bunny sleds to doom and gloom, I know you’re in love with this whole slapstick thing, believe me that’s all you’ve done lately, and now you want to chuck in the bloody Three Stooges, in every fucking frame. Listen Pete, stop polishing those Academy Awards for one second will you, and please for the love of God, enough with the Three Stooges already, you almost poked my bloody eyes out.

  • yodgonbooze

    Time now to return to ‘Life on Tatooine’, on today’s program we’ll be taking a closer look at the under belly of Mos Eisley Cantina, where you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy, George Lucas in drag, doing his best impression of Bea Arthur.

  • So basically, like King Kong, you’re sitting there for 144 minutes watching Peter Jackson jerk off.

  • bb-15

    Battle of the Five Armies is a typical action movie. It’s not trying to be an all time great film.
    Like Avatar or the new Star Trek, the Hobbit movies are just trying to entertain and make a buck.

    RLM; Thanks for the topical ending.
    Looking forward to the HITB review of The Interview.

  • Drakeslayer Anmon

    Surprise Star Wars reference! Only it’s from a bad Star Wars film…now I’m sad…

  • yodgonbooze

    the hobbit gets completely lost, which basically means while watching this crap, you are constantly yelling at the movie, no not this, this is NOT the plot, WTF is going on, why are we watching this shit that isn’t the main story, oh i’m bored, so fucking bored…

  • yodgonbooze

    the idea is the dragon is the balls of the story, when you focus on the battle, and allow the dragon to die in the first act, you deflate the importance of the whole point, which is true in the book, so tolkien had bilbo get knocked on the head and he passes out and we dont have to read a thousand pages of fight scenes, because they are not important to bilbos quest, anything that is not directly revolving around bilbos quest takes away from bilbos quest, and it is not bilbos quest anymore, it is like a story about a ww2 soldier, a personal story, but the movie decides to tell the whole fucking war, and every batttle in it, and then we cut to the soldier, by this point we dont give a fuck cause we cant remember who he is, all we see is carnage, that is a different story peter jackson hello

  • yodgonbooze

    war death destruction a dragon setting people on fire the whole town is in flames, then we cut to people riding around on a bunny sled being chased by a cartoon bad guy with a twig for a hand with the benny hill theme tune playing in the back ground, as we walk out the theatre, the people all say dayam that peter jackson has lost his dam fool mind

  • Uncouth Angel

    This one felt like watching the second half of another movie, which is what it was supposed to be originally, and what it probably should have been. I would be very interested in seeing the extended edition of this movie, as some key scenes in the book were left out in lieu of the nonsense involving Legolas and Tauriel, etc.

  • I liked the first movie _so_ much. The second was acceptable and the third was not. However I think my expectations did all that. I have no interest in a 3 hour action scene. Or elf-on-dwarf romance written so badly it’s almost a direct lift from Senator-on-Jedi. “But we can’t be in love, I’m a racist!” “All I said was ‘hi.'”

  • I am not interested in watching the extended edition precisely because the movie itself was so bad. This is the one and only Peter Jackson Middle Earth movie that I thought was a failure.

  • And Alfrid the transvestite’s quest.

  • A spread-out heroic cast like that could be done well IMO but it wasn’t done well here. +1M regarding Bilbo’s unconsciousness in the novel sparing us from that novel becoming a war story. This felt nothing like the almost-mundane fairy tale it should have been. I kinda suspect this trilogy is just an advertisement to make people cry out for a better try. More of the new Hollywood methodology, where people go to the theater and it’s like a scratch off ticket, you might get a movie, or you might get a very expensive ad for a movie…

  • I had to leave the theater, go outside, and have a 5 minute WTF fit where the friend who bought my ticket, wouldn’t see it. Then they stayed for the credits and I decided freezing outside was better.

  • I almost left the theater entirely – not out of anger – out of sheer boredom. I decided to be fair to the movie and stick it out, but I wish I hadn’t… I’d rather be able to just live with my own imagination of how the final chapters of the book could have been adapted.

    When I left the theater as the credits rolled, I just thought, “Hmmmm, well, THAT happened.”

  • hybridm0ments

    I think the big ork sinking on the ice with the large chunk of concrete was a good metaphor for the Hobbit films.

    Sinking under their own weight.

    The first 30 min was cringe inducing cliches.

    I was really, really pissed… as I set through the whole 7-8 hour
    ordeal to see the Dwarves wearing their giant masks at the battle of the
    five armies…probably the biggest detail in the book about the Dwarves
    in the battle for the five armies.

    I just wanted to see that in 3D detail, as it was my favorite part of the book… and they left it out.

    They included a bunch of bullshit that didn’t happen, but the left out the masks.

  • Zach McDonald

    Elves have crazy dexterity and are very graceful though, even in the books and according to Tolkien, so when watching it I was able to suspend my disbelief. It sure looked silly but I mean, whatever.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Only a Fuck You, it’s January miracle can save them now!

  • Freak #1

    There was a part in this where Bilbo was throwing rocks at Goblins, and these giant goblins were dying one by one when getting hit with rocks. And it’s like… What the fuck is happening right now?

  • Freak #1

    The difficulty with a super-cut will be musical cues. You can chop out all of the Sauron/Saruman/Legolas/Galadriel/Tauriel/Radagast stuff fairly easily, but it’ll be jarring to have the music cut out and in so often.

  • yodgonbooze

    bilbo ”no i didnt fumble in the dark and accidentally find the one ring, i saw it fall of gollum’s finger, yah i just got good timing like that, no the lord of the rings movie got it wrong, the hobbit is right, so what if the story doesnt match up, peter jackson knows best”

  • Reasor

    Jarring, or hilarious?

  • Idl

    In the book he throws rocks at giant spiders and kills them. Jackson must’ve thought….goblins….spiders…potato..potahto I suppose.

  • Asmodeusz

    I actually went to the movie for a Battle. Who really cares how plot ends? We knew that dragon would die and that Bilbo and Gandalf would survive, And I really didn’t care about anyone else. I liked Radagast character, but I didn’t even know that he would be in a movie.
    So I wanted to see battle with elves and dwarfs. I was sure that I’ll see amazing elf archers and I was curious how they will show dwarfs fighting. I don’t actually remember anyone shooting with a bow and dwarf king hitting everyone with his head was riddiculous to the point of pathetic. I was shocked when elves jumped over dwarfs and attacked orcs. Why?! They should just shoot with arrows. It was ideal situation for this, cause they really didn’t care that much how many dwarfs will die and this way their loses would be minimal.
    I would propably partly enjoy the movie either way, but Alfrid character killed any joy I could get out of this movie. I actually prefer to watch half hour long Jar-Jar compilation than a single scene with Alfrid (after death of human king). He was usefull character in a movie for children to tell about city politics, but only to a point of king death. After that I couldn’t stand a single scene with him.
    For me it was the worst movie in a trilogy. I like second the most, mostly cause I felt that they did the best they could with the material they had. The second one also had the least “stupid to the point of pathetic” moments.

  • Mads Bolding Fenger Poulsen

    Well, it’s certainly pointing!

  • Mads Bolding Fenger Poulsen

    In all technicality, The Hobbit-trilogy is leaps beyond the prequels. Can they be compared? Sure, but you don’t have a stereotypical cartoon that steps in poop or static camera angles from two fixed cameras inside completely green rooms in either of Peter Jackson’s films. They are shot with an attention to detail, which is never seen in any of the SW-prequels, in either well built sets with some green screen if necessary or beautiful locations. Almost all dialogue in them is shot in shot, reverse-shot soap opera-style camera work, while in The Hobbit, the visuals, characters and themes are much more diverse. I don’t love what Peter Jackson has done, but I enjoy them for what they are: Well made, well acted action films based on an adventure-book, which was written by an English professor a few generations ago. Could I think of things to remedy some of the problems with the films? Yup! Am I thankful and appreciative for what I have been given? Absolutely. Should the elves have become the main characters? Never! Should more screen time be devoted to Bilbo and the individual dwarves (particularly in this third one)? In my opinion, yes. I will, though, stand by my statement: the changes, although not completely justified, are at least well made.

  • Idl

    I saw this thing last night and , hey, it didn’t suck! There were some cringe inducing spots of course. The White Council driving Sauron and the Ring Wraiths out of Dol Guldur springs to mind. ( That’s 80’s game Galadriel and the devil and the “ghosts” for non-nerds.) I gotta side with Jay and Mike on another point: if I didn’t know the books very well, I would’ve had a lot of trouble figuring out what was going on.

  • Idl

    Like somebody said below; it’s probably in the extended version. Bard lays it on Thorin’s chest in his tomb in Erebor. Thranduil puts Orcrist (the sword) on top of his tomb. In case you’re still interested.

  • SGS

    I was thinking about these movies the other day after seeing them, and on top of a lot of things that Mike and Jay said I think it would have been really beneficial to tell the movies from particular points of view, i.e. the first one from Bilbo’s POV, the second one from Bard’s POV (including killing Smaug in the second one) and finally from Thorin’s POV in the Third one. This would make the (arguable) villain of the third one, Thorin, the main character, so you would have seen him being awesome in the first one and then explore it more with flashbacks or something else, and it could be about his illness taking over, and him coming to terms with having to risk his home again to fight with his friends, which doesn’t come across at all in this movie (as Jay says, he’s an asshole until the movie stops him requiring to be that). I think that’d be a much more elegant solution to bringing this story about a little Hobbit to “the big screen” because then you’re actually exploring the world a bit more through other characters eyes, rather than trying to make the little hobbit movie about huge fights that, although pretty, ultimately nobody cares about. Just an idea.

  • yodgonbooze

    ”it’s the best of the three”, hmm where have i heard that before…

  • Jon Kay

    I thought it was the worst of the three. Some of the CGI I felt was poorly done, there were a fair few cliched things (e.g. Thorin v White Orc) and I felt the battle went on for far too long. I certainly agree with Jay that I won’t be revisiting these movies again and I felt disconnected from the movie.

    I’m also one of those fans who was somewhat disappointed with how the story unfolded in The Hobbit and how it deviated from the text, but oh well…it’s been made and I don’t have to watch it again.

  • Jon Kay

    Yes, I laughed when that happened. I’m sure elves have great agility, but it all looked rather silly.

  • Tommy Cullen

    I don’t know about “more story”, but since the Hobbit films already had a classic book for reference there’s really no excuse for how hard they sucked.

  • Tommy Cullen

    I was certainly shocked after seeing this last one, despite having virtually no expectations after the disappointments that were the previous two. Still didn’t expect it to be this awful. The only character arc I noticed was Thorin’s, which was actually just Boromir’s again. He even sounded like Sean Bean. In fact, it’s ridiculous how frequently these films mirrored the LotR trilogy for no reason whatsoever. When Not-Aragorn jumped in to save Not-Gríma from the Laketown mob I knew the film was a lost cause. You’re right about the dwarves, I know there’s a lot of them but if we’re going to spend three giant movies watching their journey it’d be nice for them to have at least some semblance of character. That’s one way they could’ve actually put all those extra hours to good use, but I guess they didn’t.

  • Tommy Cullen

    Ok, Jar Jar steps in poop, but Radagast has poop on his head. He has poop on his head for the entire story and he makes hilarious faces when he smokes pipeWEED har har! Also, these Hobbit films did very little location work compared to LotR. There’s an incredible amount of greenscreen, and CG characters, and it shows. Too often I felt like I was watching 300, especially in this last one with all those big naked monster baby things with swords for arms which… What were they anyway? They weren’t trolls… I’m sure it’s fair to say the characters and themes are superior to the prequels, but that should be a given since they’re based on a great book. I’m not necessarily saying that the Hobbit films are exactly as bad as the prequels, but they are bad. In fact, they’re very bad, and so I personally am not grateful for being “given” this LotR prequel trilogy. I’m disappointed, that’s all.

  • Tommy Cullen

    On the ball.

  • Mads Bolding Fenger Poulsen

    I will acknowledge your points, although I won’t agree – your opinion is valid and as such beyond argument, and I won’t attempt to sway you. I was disappointed to some extend as well, especially with the third one (need I say that the narrative probably would have made more sense in two films, as originally intended?), but, for me, it still does not take away from the craftsmanship involved in making them.

  • Joe Syxpac

    “It’s the darkest of the three.”

  • Tommy Cullen

    Ah you’re far too reasonable altogether! Thanks for the friendly debate 🙂

  • Mads Bolding Fenger Poulsen

    You’re so welcome that it warms the cockles of my… dwarf!
    Fare you well in this winter 🙂

  • Phillie Em

    My STOOL is dark, and doctor says that’s bad. I don’t know why he thinks he knows so much about interior decorating, though.

  • Phillie Em

    Quite clearly a reference and quote directly taken from TPM, just because they’ve referenced it before doesn’t make it a reference of a reference.

  • Elsa

    can anyone tell me what the end credits song is from?

  • Prins Bernhard

    This… Precisely this (plus some more, but I’ll get to that). This (comment) needs to be brought under the attention of RLM. I find it unbelievable that the guys who surgically criticized every single thing of the Prequels, don’t find the same flaws in these movies.

    Peter Jackson falls for the exact same traps George Lucas did. Thinking the audience loved the scenery and the action, the world that is Middle-Earth was and is foolish. People loved the Lord of the Rings because of its emotion and their indepth portrayal of the characters and their motives/emotions.

    I’ve seen no such thing in The Hobbit films. It was just a show-off of the current technical prowess of film-making (which SUCKED by the way). God I still have headaches. What was up with all the lighting? It looked like everyone was shining, the same way those Twilight-vampires did. Having rewatched the Lord of the Rings recently, it looked so much better.

  • yodgonbooze

    ”Now we return to ‘Life on Middle Earth’. On today’s program we’ll be taking a closer look at the mysterious happenings of Mirkwood Forest, where Bilbo and his wacky dwarf buddys will be taking us for the ride of a lifetime on board their very own bunny sled. Oh and there’s a dragon too, but whatever, we got bunnies!”

  • DemiMOAR

    The entire trilogy is the most forgettable thing I’ve ever seen.

    I don’t remember anything at all about any of the movies and I just saw the screener for this newest one yesterday.

    What are these movies even about? I have no idea, they were so boring I drifted off mentally and just started thinking about random stuff.

    9 hours worth of total film, and NOTHING happens.

  • DemiMOAR

    An extended edition!?

    9 hours wasn’t enough for you?

  • DemiMOAR

    I do remember one thing about the movie. I actually laughed out loud at the end when the elf (or dwarf) was blowing on that comically large horn.

    It was supposed to be poignant, but looked ridiculous.

  • Asmodeusz

    I wish that Jakcson would do the same as Lucas did with his final part. This movie should be more serious. How we should moarn deaths of Kili, Fili and Thorin after seeing Alfrid running away with gold in his bra?

  • Paul Johnson

    I’m getting tired of seeing the “it’s not trying to be an all time great film” argument to defend bad storytelling. Die Hard was designed to just be an entertaining action flick, but it’s well crafted. There’s no reason whatsoever that you can’t have a brainless action flick and still have it have a good storyline. Not every movie has to be Citizen Kane, but not every movie has to be Transformers either.

    I’d argue, though, The Hobbit should be anything but a brainless action flick designed solely to entertain. The Hobbit should really have been just one movie. They could have done two films, but only if each one was around two hours in length.

  • Paul Johnson

    Basically, yeah. I don’t think Jackson has made a good film since Return of the King. While RotK was an amazing film (obviously), I think it was also the beginning of the end for Jackson as a film maker. Kind of like how Star Trek II undeniably saved the franchise, it also doomed it. The rest of the films would follow the same crew vs villain formula, the only arguable exception being Star Trek IV. By Into Darkness, it’s just become tiresome.

    In that same vein, Return of the King displayed all the hallmarks of where the focus of his direction would eventually go; spectacle, production, acting and CGI. Whilst they’re not necessarily bad things, acting certainly not, all of those could be the best you could ever make them, but if it’s a thin story, the film is going to feel hollow.

    Almost every film he made after Return of the King has had the same pattern. King Kong; good on FX and acting, bad on story and editing. The Lovely Bones; good on FX and acting, bad on story. Unexpected Journey; largely good on FX and acting, bad on story and editing….you get the idea.

  • Paul Johnson

    I had to restrain myself from yelling; “WHAT?!” in hilarious so-bad-it’s-funny disbelief when I saw that.

  • Paul Johnson

    “It was pretty much full blown lord of the rings prequel at this point” – I think that’s the problem. I agree that the story isn’t hard to follow, but then there’s not much of a story to begin with. The story near enough stops the moment the battle begins, and from then on it’s just one enormous battle sequence, but I digress.

    This trilogy, for me, had the same problem as Prometheus – it doesn’t know what it wants to be. Prometheus felt like a film with split personality disorder – half of it wanted to be an alien prequel, and half of it wanted to be a stand-alone film. As a result it was shit at both of them.

    The Hobbit trilogy can’t decide whether it wants to be a light-hearted fun adventure series about a Hobbit and his Dwarf friends, or a gritty, dark series about tragedy and war that is more interested in being a Rings prequel than a Hobbit film. As a result, it’s shit at both of them.

    The light-hearted moments (in this film) just came off as completely juvenile and not funny in the slightest. Put that right in the middle of a story about revenge, death and war, and it just became jarring. Same problem the first film had really – the tone kept shifting dramatically between The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings.

  • I agree. I just think Jackson misinterpreted the audience’s love for his films as love for him as an “artist”, thereby opening him up to ridiculous amounts of “look what I can do!”

  • Makkon Farstriders

    Graphics sucked bad. All the fake CGI killed the movie. What happened to using practical effects and sets?

    Smaug scene should have been in the 2nd.

    Should have only been 2 films not 3. So much bloat.

    These films are actually exactly like the Star Wars prequels- flat characters, boring fight scenes, computer graphics overload (and still look like shit), terrible fakey love story… How can anyone defend this shit?

  • Sam

    Hey now, Justin Lin directed the first paintball episode of “Community,” which if you haven’t seen, is pretty fantastic as a mini action movie. The two other episodes of Community he directed are some of the strongest of the first season, despite being totally unrelated to action. I feel like as long as he has a solid script and a little oversight from someone with a vision who actually cares about the finished product, he’s got some chops.

  • Uncouth Angel

    Not when some of the more important denouement of the book was left out of the last film.

  • yodgonbooze

    hey jrr tolkien, hollywood has made your hobbit book into a movie, well three movies actually, why 3 movies?, well they felt that the hobbit character wasnt enough, so they added in a few of their own, well kili has the hots for tauriel, who’s tauriel?, she’s an elf, and then, get this, they all runaway from azog on a bunny sled that radagast made for them, whos azog? well im not quite sure, a goblin i think, or maybe an orc, no really a BUNNY SLED ….tolkien? hey hey put that gun down im just the messenger… tolkien? …omg they just killed tolkien, (you bastards)

  • Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabadoo

    Hehe. Somebody has already recut the trilogy into a four-hour movie: https://tolkieneditor.wordpress.com/

  • yodgonbooze

    nice try i’d even agree with just about everything he did, but its hard to edit out the fact the barrel lids aren’t closed, for so many reasons, least of all the barrel would fill up with water, you would fall out, you would be seen out in the open, yelling and carrying on, and you do not want a skirmish with the orcs, although the battle is played for fun in the movie, in reality of the lord of the rings universe that is a life threatening mistake, think about it, as tolkien did, he made sure that the closing of the lids on the barrels, was important, very important, bilbo was the only one whos lid wasnt shut, and its even more frightening when the lid is shut, small but important and ya cant edit that shit out, the movie sux ass and theres nothing you can do about it, exactly like the star wars prequels, movies made for dummies

  • Kyle

    Jay thinks this was the best Hobbit movie?

    The Battle of the Five Armies is easily the worst of all six Middle Earth films, and is also the least Tolkien. The book was practically finished up in the second film, meaning this film had the most made-up filler of any of them. None of this crap was in the book. And it sucked.

  • Drjimbo32

    You say this as a joke but…holy shit I want it

  • DeColonise

    Personally I think the CGI in these movies are pretty cheesy and stand out way too much. There were a few scenes in the lord of the rings movies in which they should just have cut out due to horrible CGI but they never come off as videogames to me.
    The hobbit movies does so way to often an I get totally unintrested in what happens in the action scenes.

  • omgnoway

    If only there wasn’t dialogue in Peter Jackson films… I personally liked the Hobbit movies more than LotRs. I know probably 2% of people think that but I couldn’t stand Frodo and Sam at all or Jackson’s shitty directing and the terrible acting. I did care for the dwarves, and was waiting for the Dragon, but that was a big let down, and the head dwarf moping around went on way too long. After seeing all the “Best Picture” nominees it was nice to just shut off my brain and watch senseless CGI violence.

  • Earth

    Anyone else get this vibe that Jackson had just grown bored of Middle Earth? The movie felt like, meh, just throw this in, whatever, who gives a fuck?

    I’d be very interested to see the inside politics of this trilogy. It’d be interesting to discover who was really to blame for it being so bloated. Maybe it was Jackson, maybe it was the producers. Who knows?

  • Kyle

    Not only is the line “it is an army bred for a single purpose: war” one of the dumbest lines ever because what else would you breed an army for, it is a dumber version of a line from The Two Towers. Something like “It is an army bred for a single purpose: to destroy the free people of Middle Earth.”

  • DeColonise

    “it is an army bred for a single purpose: vacation”

  • Gift Card

    New Amsterdam, nice.

  • SkaMP

    Tunnel bear

  • SkaMP

    Peter Jackson makes popcorn movies, he loves popcorn movies and when he has such a passion for the films he makes there is a possibility it’ll rub off.

  • Sam
  • Mehhhhh

    Not everyone was there for gold. That’s really dishonest and shows you guys need to study your lore a bit more….That or actually pay attention to the movies. Gandalf says numerous times it’s a strategic point for the battle of Middle Earth that he PREDICTS is coming (That we finally see in LOTR). The Elves aren’t there for gold either – They are wanting their old ancient gems made of moonlight that date back thousands of years in their Elf lineage. The only people there for Gold is literally the dwarves. You guys really glanced over this. Good review though for the most part. Erebor, the Lonely Mountain, serves as a launching point for the armies of Sauron to take back MIddle Earth.

  • Justin Ratcliff

    lol, I stopped watching after the first film, and started listening to everyone bitching about the final two. The savings in money is negligible, but the 19 hours of my life not wasted on the final two movies? Sheeeeeit

  • harry

    The only thing I would have changed (besides making PJ stop using so much goddamn CGI for all the orcs) the only thing I would have changed is to cut the first five or ten minutes of the movie and stick onto the 2nd movie. It was basically five minutes where Bard, spoilers I guess, but the only thing that happened is bard killed the dragon, and then boom it’s over and it’s the next morning. It seemed pretty clear to my whole family that they included it to just so they could stick Smaug into all the trailers, considering how much that takes up like half of every add for the movie

  • Earth

    It was wonderful. That scene broke a friend of mine. He couldn’t stop laughing.

  • Anders Hass

    Youtube version if RedLetterMedia haven’t changed it before blip has been shut down https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WefwhnZB10&index=15&list=PL34C1F26D03F5F9B8

  • The Wicker Man (BWF)

    What a nerd comment. What’s dishonest is defending a movie that took so many dumb liberties with a book for kids. This movie looked like a crappy video game. Sound and fury…

  • The Wicker Man (BWF)

    2 was the best of this trilogy.

  • The Wicker Man (BWF)

    In retrospect, The Hobbit really needed Guilermo to direct. It should have been two films done as a dark and quirky fairytale, his forte.

  • Foreman 371

    jackson magic. in the books orcs were quite able to kill elves and dwarfs. And I talk about whole cities.

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