Half in the Bag: Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

July 18, 20142,144 Comments

After a year, Mike and Jay return to Mr. Plinkett’s house! Once they re-introduce themselves to chairs, the two discuss Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.


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Filed in: Half in the Bag

  • Jacob De Paz

    Yaya, I can’t wait for Andy Serkis to play the son of Jar Jar in Ep. 7!

  • Techee44

    Wow – hasn’t even been a week since the last one! You guys are on your game!

    I mean, uh. Fraud hacks, or something.

  • Alex Hilhorst

    Damn, mad tourettes, son.

  • Bill BobinJoe

    WHERE’S THE CARE BOARS SEQUEL?

  • z7gizzyz7

    nice to see the old house set back

  • picklebucket

    Sketches in the last two episodes have been uproarious. Excellent work, guys.

  • Robby

    All that Patreon money is going to these hackfrauds’ heads.

  • Fuck Me I’m January

    The video is longer than the amount of time it’s been up you hack

  • MasseffectFan

    8 comments already? You fucktards are fast. I bet you haven’t even watched the video yet.

  • MasseffectFan

    hi robby

  • chris

    Oh come on. This movie was terrible.

  • http://flesheatingbug.deviantart.com/ Som

    dammit i haven’t seen it yet ….. wwwwwhhhhyyyyyyyyy

  • picklebucket

    …and I posted that when the sketch part was over.

  • El_Runko

    #nostalgic

  • jthomasbailey

    Who the fuck is Josh Dumell

  • CJ Lack

    You fucks have been getting off too easy with these good movies lately. But don’t worry, soon enough you’ll get to watch Morgan Freeman fucking a dolphin soon enough.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Oh my god, you’re confusing me with all this content! I had just finished adjusting my system to the slow-burn… ; ;

  • omitted

    Jay – King of Sass

  • omitted

    There is a spoiler warning in the middle

  • Eric Moreland

    I can’t get past the idea that they’re CGI. I know they’re CGI, because they are CGI…XB They try too hard to make them look real. Oddly enough I don’t have that problem when I watch a movie like “Pacific Rim” 8B

  • Akercocke Jones

    Some stupid asshole from the Transformers series…. I’m tired of those ads too.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I’m so glad Andy Serkis got top-billing for this movie. He fucking deserves it.

  • salvor

    Oh my god its dangerous engine exhaust fumes!!! Oh my god its… slowly… coming at me.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Jay’s A-Poppin.

    Take that however you want.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I’m commenting before watching the entire review to complain about the review.

  • omitted

    Spoilers!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    When’s the next Plinkett review?

  • MarshmallowSaucers

    I might even call it a… conundrum.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    One doesn’t have to watch the video to know these fucking idiots are hack frauds of the highest caliber.

  • omitted

    I wish. To take Jay however I want, I mean.

    Also, I bet that is the expression he makes when (if) Jay reads any of my comments.

  • LelouchtheFilial

    I thought this episode would mark the return of CLIFF Grabowski

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    King Bee!

  • Noah Roalson

    Damn, you get here fast xD

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Why does every good show have to have gas covering the entire area?

    Batman Begins
    Batman: The Batman
    Blankman
    Half in the Bag

    The Amazing Spiderma-Oh wait. Nevermind.

  • Fartastic

    Filming in high altitude, impressive landscape shots, green mist – I see RLM puts all that patreon money to good use.

  • LelouchtheFilial

    So, really, it would seem as if every ad before RLM videos has reached the “Josh Duhamel point.”
    Because, like Jay said, “What ELSE is Josh Duhamel doing?”

  • omitted

    For some reason a movie with Stallone in it comes to mind. Don’t know why…

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    He’s the chroma key to all this.

  • LelouchtheFilial

    No excuses.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Shiiiiit. I’ve been refreshing for an hour, and the bugger still got here before me.

  • omitted

    Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Refreshing…

  • phillipkslick

    Is it just me or did the Black guy just disappear near the end in the movie? Maybe I missed something.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Why can’t Morgan Freeman’s career go down the toilet so we can get a shit ton of commercials by him instead?

    My parents had Dionne Warwick and Cher. And our generation is stuck with Josh Duhamel?! We deserve better.

  • Mark Andrew Edwards

    Thanks for the review.

    I always gotta side with my people, the humans. So, this movie is a hard sell for me.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    Yeah, jerk harder, you fucks!

  • Palpatine

    Sounds like someone needs to go on a virtual date with Josh Duhamel.

  • Thanatos2k

    I hate movies where I know exactly what’s going to happen by the end before I even walk in. See: Star Wars Prequels.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Oh damn. My culture is showing….

    I meant Riff-Raff! Whipper snappers! Varmints!

  • WrongWithYourFace

    I kind of want to see this now for monkeys and machine guns. I always say that I kinda wanna see something they recommend, but I never do.

  • omitted

    but will it be soon enough?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    You cannot turn me, Palpy. I will never join you and Josh Duhamel. Never!

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Well, now we’re stuck with the rapid-release formula :)

    Damned if they do, damned if they don’t.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    I expect an explanation to all this swearing.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Nah, you beat me.

    And you beat me.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Haven’t seen the movie either, but the spoiler bit wasn’t really anything that would make me mad for having known that information before. Hope that helps if you decide to watch the whole review.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Ya, they showed me that I, too, can conquer my ineptitude of sitting on a chair.

  • Roger Abramson

    Watched the review before posting. Spoiler: This is the only time I’ve been tempted to skip the spoilers.

  • http://www.youtube.com/ac1dchr15t ac1d

    Fuck I actually want to see this movie…this is one of those HitB episodes that I might have to wait until I see this movie in red box or ppv.

  • omitted

    Funny, “rapid-release formula” is what I call my RLM addicktion too

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    This is better than their last ‘review’.

    http://youtu.be/P-bDWmMmZ0I

  • Palpatine

    If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed! *zaps with lightning hands*

  • LelouchtheFilial

    And you know he does.
    Deep down.
    You know.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Ya, but you get more likes than me, or something.

    I can’t handle winning.

    /runs away screaming.

  • LelouchtheFilial

    Hi, Jay– I’m a huge fan.

  • omitted

    Had to go check what the fuss was all about. Damn that pad helmet is creepy

  • Markham

    Well well, my “drink beer and RLM is surely to deliver” didn’t fail… this time.

  • UnderBlackFlags

    The Resident Evil movies review is still the funniest episode ever. Its impossible to watch that episode without laughing as much as the gang does.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I’m glad you caught it. That was subtly meant for you.

  • jaymanxyz2

    Don’t worry. Soon the long winter of inactivity shall be upon us. Cherish these days while you can.

  • LelouchtheFilial

    Was your lightning the reason for Bea Arthur’s disfigurement?

  • omitted

    Do you loathe Titanic?

  • jaymanxyz2

    Passion of the Christ?

  • Palpatine

    Well Bea Arthur is my ex-wife, so I had to make her suffer somehow after she divorced me and took all my space bucks!

  • WrongWithYourFace

    You already posted that five days ago.

  • Иван Николчев

    Do you dislike every World War movie ever?

  • LelouchtheFilial

    It’s like pottery.

  • omitted

    It’s so dense

  • Meester Smeeth

    Okay, now you’re just spoiling us.

  • jaymanxyz2

    I’m commenting before watching the whole review to say that the end skit was hilarious!!!

  • Palpatine

    It ryhmes, every stanza sort of rhymes with the other. Hopefully it’ll work. *shrugs*

  • LelouchtheFilial

    They GAVE a fuckin’ spoiler warning, ya fuckin’ moron!

  • LelouchtheFilial

    Last Temptation of Christ?
    Killing American Style?

  • Palpatine

    Jesus Christ man, what the fuck is with all the fucking swearing?! Do you have fucking tourettes or something?! I mean goddamn!

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    You’re not doing this right. You’re supposed to say something really stupid and nonsensical about the review so Jay can come in and astutely correct you. Get your shit together.

  • LelouchtheFilial

    A-buzz! A-buzz!

  • WrongWithYourFace

    What’s your favorite Harry Poetr movie?

  • Kommerzschlampe

    At first I used to think: “Who’s that guy that is not Mike?!?” Now I’m constantly thinking: “Jay! Go, Jay! Go!”

  • omitted

    I’m the hugest fan.

    Were you referring to body mass? Because I was

  • Jillian

    A new Half in the Bag! And so soon after the last one! Awww, you guys are spoiling us. (Not that I complain. Keep ‘em coming.)

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    The one with Busta Rhymes in it.

  • omitted

    *has a childhood flashback*

    No papa, don’t hit me anymore!

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    The whole fucking a moose bit was hysterical!

  • omitted

    Confirmed for Jay!

  • WrongWithYourFace

    I knew the Adam Sandler script was in the shelf for a reason.

  • dollar store cashier wife

    GET YER FINGER OUT OF MY ASS WALLET!

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/TwiIight0ne Muscle Hedonist

    “Thanks, James Franco.”
    – Mike, after James Franco finally found that cure for Alzheimer’s

  • Time Cop Fan

    i love it where they end these episodes in hangovers!

  • JackMarco

    I guess he decided to live with his brothers in the forest

  • LelouchtheFilial

    LOL Jay u suck. U like CGI monkees now?! Wut, u some kind of homo? And I dunt meen HOMOSAPIEN!
    In all seriousness, Jay, what’s with you and your stupid hard-on for visual effects? You sold out. Go back to your obsession with cheap rubber suits and get of Mr. Colin “Visual Effects Artist” FromCanada’s dick.
    (Was, uhhh… was that nonsensical enough?)

  • dick_the_bday_boy

    I’m surprised Jay hasn’t ripped the sleeves off his Lightning Fast VCR Repair shirt yet.

  • omitted

    It’s all fun and games until the giraffe gets its head cut off

  • omitted

    Surprised… or disappointed?

  • omitted

    どうもありがとうございます

  • Stupid Wizard

    That’s right Jay!

  • rikkibarnes

    As soon as I saw Plinkett’s house, I shed a single tear drop.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Nono. You got it all confused because Adam Sandler doesn’t do gratuitous sex jokes.

    Sandler likes it when Bob Barker hits a moose with his delivery truck that contains Oreos and Sony products. Bob Barker complains that the stench from the dead moose is giving him heartburn, and reaches for the Pepto-Bismol for fast acting relief.

    Then he drives into a Dunkin Donuts drive-thru to grab a coffee and a new southwest breakfast burrito, only for the moose antlers to get stuck in the Drive-thru awning.

  • Malevolence

    lol, why? they only said a couple negative things about it, it was a great movie

  • Stupid Wizard

    So when did Tourettes Guy starting writing your scripts?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Why can’t Jay cuff his sleeves like all other sexy people do?

  • omitted

    Guess it’s not future yet

  • http://www.youtube.com/ac1dchr15t ac1d

    Yes, I saw the good reviews on IMDB/Rotten Tomatoes…I just really don’t want to know about the plot or story before I see it.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    Oh, I see. But at what part does Applebee’s come into all this?

  • omitted

    I expelled some other bodily fluid during this review

  • Sean Gall

    Mike, YOU HACK FRAUD, make another legitimate Plinkett review, the Into References was lazy.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Applebee’s declared bankruptcy and is now being replaced by TGIF Fridays, Chili’s, and Red Robin.

  • Stupid Wizard

    This is my favorite movie of the year, well it’s tied with Snowpiercer. My favorite part of the film is not having a black and white, good vs evil, clear cut good guy and bad guy story line. Matt Reeves and the people who wrote the movie have a great understanding that the world is grey, it’s very very grey. I saw the trailer and thought Gary Oldman was going to be like the Colonel from Avatar, who was the best part of that movie, but in the movie Oldman is just a man trying to protect what he knows could be the last of humanity, he’s not full of hatred towards the apes he just knows they’re trouble.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    Is that because of all the free stuff they had to send Mr. Plinkett for mentioning them in his reviews?

  • Sean Gall

    This movie should have been called Dawn of the planet of the cliches.
    It did what it did right but it didnt do anything new, at all, and it was bloated.
    Edge of Tomorrow was far better on many levels.

  • arcaneguyver .

    You’re obviously thinking of Demolition Man.

  • omitted

    The power of Jay’s beard compels you!

  • Stupid Wizard

    You guys have the right mindset for reviewing and understanding the film unlike YMS who created a really rushed review of the movie and all he did was complain about cliches, but while I like his reviews I don’t think he understands movies like Jay and Mike.

  • Cocktimus Prime

    Space Cop?

  • Meester Smeeth

    Shut up and put the fat fuck on the phone! He’s better at customer service, you lousy prick!

  • Sean Gall

    This movie did what it did right but it was cliched as all get out, the audience, at least the ones with a brain, are always 10 minutes ahead of the movie, if not more, at all times.
    Im not saying it was bad at all, it was a helluva lot better than “Rise of the pointless reboot of the apes.”
    It should have been called “Dawn of the planet of the cliches.”

  • Sean Gall

    Titanic was a terrible movie.

  • Meester Smeeth

    I guess there’s a green mist floating down your pants tonight, Rich Evans.

  • dollar store cashier wife

    he seems more nitpicky is all.watching his videos that don’t deal with overhyped blockbusters reveal that he has actual passion and knowledge about cinema

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Almost, Lelouch. It needs to be more subversive, like:

    “Those weren’t horses, Jay. They were shetland ponies because apes would be too small to really ride a horse. Check your facts.”

  • dollar store cashier wife

    diarrhea and rlm is a good match.

  • dollar store cashier wife

    How about you go fuck yourself instead.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    YMS?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    The Ten Commandments?
    Cleopatra?
    Now I Can Go Potty?

  • omitted

    But which one cums first?

  • Derek Cottle

    I’m half in the bag…watching Half in the Bag…starring people pretending to be half in the bag…who were inspired by being half in the bag…to make Half in the Bag.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    You mean women have more menstrual illnesses to worry about?!

  • Stupid Wizard

    YourMovieSucksDotOrg, he reviews movies in a Plinkett like fashion. He did a really great review of the Walking Dead and After Earth but he seems to be really nitpicky when it comes to hollywood moopies

  • Stupid Wizard

    But that’s because I think that he thinks that everything is unoriginal, which everything is if you ever taken High School drama you know that, however he forgets certain parts of to take in account for his reviews. He didn’t talk about the characters which for me make the film, especially the apes. He reminds me a lot of Spoony and his rants that can last over a hour long but that’s uncut and unscripted and you kinda see his opinion change has he talks with his girlfriend or brother.

  • omitted

    Your Mother’s Sexytime?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I thought this was inspired by The Honeymooners where a fat fuck and some skinny dude try to scheme people out of money through hilarious means instead of making a decent living.

    The wife (Rich Evans) shows up periodically for comedic effect.

  • Mr.Fister

    review her right in the…

  • dollar store cashier wife

    there is something pretentiousness involved but for the most part I find him one of the better reviewers internet has to offer.

  • Stupid Wizard

    Are you YourMovieSucksDotOrg?

  • Derek Cottle

    It is. BUT WITH DRUNKENNESS. Now shut the fuck up I’m trying to torrent Night Court.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    That green mist was more of an evergreen, and not a light TMNT puke green mist like Shrek 2.

    …Donkeh.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    I’m not fucking following you!

  • Stupid Wizard
  • Stupid Wizard
  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Night Court is just a ruse. Old people really like Murder She Wrote.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Night Court is just a ruse. Old people really like Murder She Wrote.

  • dollar store cashier wife

    the one with swole arms

  • dollar store cashier wife

    the one with swole arms

  • omitted

    And all this time I thought I needed to be more perversive

  • omitted

    And all this time I thought I needed to be more perversive

  • Sean Gall

    “he reviews movies in a Plinkett like fashion. ”

    YMS is his site/channel, his name is Adam and his reviews are nothing like Plinkett reviews. Also his Review was spot on, his criticism was legitimate and he still said that he liked the movie anyway.
    Stop being so defensive, the movie does a lot well but it WAS cliched and it was bloated.

  • LelouchtheFilial

    There should be yet ANOTHER Titanic remake. Directed by Brett Ratner.
    WHICH MEANS IT SINKS!

  • LelouchtheFilial

    There should be yet ANOTHER Titanic remake. Directed by Brett Ratner.
    WHICH MEANS IT SINKS!

  • Stupid Wizard

    I think what’s distracting about his review unlike Nostalgia Critic, Spoony, or Plinkett is that he’s playing himself and he’s not even playing a characterized version of himself.

  • Derek Cottle

    It just occurred to me that Matlock is a sex symbol.

  • Derek Cottle

    It just occurred to me that Matlock is a sex symbol.

  • omitted

    Who you gonna call?

  • omitted

    Who you gonna call?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    How much weight did Bale gain/lose to make this turd?

    I swear. Such a fraud.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    You fucking following me?!

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    My mom has a shrine of Matlock AND Higgins above her headboard.

  • omitted

    Is this a Civ5 expansion?

  • Stupid Wizard

    So who’s gonna get an Oscar first; Andy Serkis or Leonardo DiCaprio?

  • WrongWithYourFace

    Fine. Now I am.

  • LelouchtheFilial

    Tommy Wiseau.
    The panel gave him… pffft… “high marks” for his performance.

  • omitted

    Are you saying Plinkett never plays with himself?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Maybe it’s the forced sense of community that Applebees provides with wall-mounted props that have nothing to do with my local community.

  • Stupid Wizard

    Palpatine’s behind it all!

  • omitted

    Michael Bay

  • Stupid Wizard

    Whoa, that’s too far man too fucking far!

  • omitted

    Made me laugh… and cum… again

  • Stupid Wizard

    I watched Trick or Treat and there was no ShowBiz Pizza bear….

  • Stupid Wizard

    What do you want in the next Resident Evil movie?

  • LelouchtheFilial

    I aim to pleasure!

  • Stupid Wizard

    Is that why you shut down her cantina?

  • Palpatine

    I know right. The sequel should be live action this time, with the Care Boars played by guys in motion capture suits. And It should have Andy Serkis play Silly Boar, and co-star Jaden Smith as the lead kid.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Yay!

    Just be mindful. I use Disqus to try to talk to my dead grandmother all the time. It’s always about whether the Cubs have won the World Series or if the Golden Girls had a reunion special yet.

  • Stupid Wizard
  • LelouchtheFilial

    Shhhhh… The Ghost of George Lucas still haunts this webzone…
    We can’t remind him of the travesty that even HE’S embarrassed by.

  • Palpatine

    We were still married when she owned the cantina, but I shut it down because she wasn’t spending any time with me! It was only after Lord Vader threw me down the mine shaft did she leave me. Since I was no longer in power she didn’t want to be with me.

  • omitted

    I knew there was a reason I didn’t go to a gay bar tonight.

    It’s exciting to be here for the initial comments on a new video. The energy, the buzz. Like a pack of beasts of prey around a fresh kill

  • James

    You hack frauds didn’t mention the visual! This film was stunning. I haven’t seen a dystopia rendered in such devastating beauty since Children Of Men. Speaking of which, that film was absolutely an influence, if the two excellent tracking shots amidst action sequences are any indication.

  • Stupid Wizard

    In preparation for watching this film I watched the film that killed the franchise Tim Burton’s Planet of The Apes. The best way to describe it is imagine if an idiot wrote a Planet of The Apes movie with out understanding Planet of The Apes. Seriously, CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN THIS ENDING?!

    http://asseenby.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/aperaham-lincoln-630-751.jpg

  • Stupid Wizard

    Confirmed for gay

  • Stupid Wizard

    Fuck you, you stupid fucking asshole!

  • Michael Collins

    Fuck this episode of half in the fuckin bag ya fuck mongin fuckers!
    Wow, 2 good movies in a row?
    This year rocks.

  • Stupid Wizard

    So Bea Arthur was a trophy wife to you, Palpy?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa
  • Palpatine

    She was the only woman I ever truly loved. Oh Bea, you were such a handsome woman.

  • Stupid Wizard
  • Stupid Wizard

    Speaking of Chroma Key was there any of that used in the film? I barely noticed it.

  • LelouchtheFilial

    That’s been confirmed for a LONG time.
    The rest of us are more… ambiguous, I guess the word is.

  • omitted
  • omitted

    Admit it, all of you would go gay for Jay given the chance

  • phillipkslick

    I don’t know, seems like they could’ve just killed him off quickly or shown him just getting separated. Otherwise the movie felt pretty bland to me, but want it to make all the money it can, even though I didn’t like it, it was well written. Once again the human aspect proved boring like in Rise for me, though I may be judging these unfairly as a fan of the originals, minus Battle.

  • Stupid Wizard

    Why not Rich Evans, you fraud?

  • LelouchtheFilial

    Look, my ideal evening would be to curl up with Jay by the fireside and watch “Ghoulies go to College” while massaging his beard, but I wouldn’t call that GAY, necessarily.
    After all, it’s not a choice… I was BORN this Jay!

  • A.I.

    The lighting is different. It’s bright even TV lighting. It use to be darker. I dunno it just got different and I don’t like different.

  • omitted

    That would be blasphemous since Rich Evans is a deity

  • omitted

    Ah, to spend a night at Jay’s B&B, beard and biceps

  • Stupid Wizard
  • LelouchtheFilial

    You know… I was going to read a fucking book or something, but I guess I’ll just rewatch this episode.
    Fuck.

  • Mark Bisone

    Sounds pretty good for a prequel of a remake of a reboot. But this will always be my favorite apes with machine guns movie:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9ERNWGnDwI#t=479

  • LelouchtheFilial

    Where the fuck is the Jersey Shore cast?

    EDIT: oh. I see the apes. Never mind.

  • Stupid Wizard

    Fuck you, you lazy fucking asshole. Get off your fucking ass and a goddamn book.

  • Mark Bisone

    Tequila.

  • Palpatine

    Y’know, “The Prince of Egypt” did the whole brotherly relationship between Moses and Pharaoh, as well as the Exodus story, and did it a lot better. And that was a freaking cartoon! This just looks like a big dumb action movie. But then again it has Ridley Scott directing it, so who knows.

  • Percy Gryce

    I’ll just leave this here in case anyone needs some more masturbation material.

  • omitted

    Finally, the Hall of Shame

  • Stupid Wizard

    Well, it’s better to just rewatch DOTPOTA than the shit coming out this week

  • Mark Bisone

    The Wall of Lame in the Alcohol of Shame?

  • Stupid Wizard

    No, that’s explanation for Santa Claus

  • Percy Gryce

    You displaced Sir Leonard. You may have to answer to the Master of Meadville, Pa.

  • Mark Bisone

    Mint Julips, then. This is the South rising again.

  • Stupid Wizard

    Review with sixteen quotation marks around it

  • Captain Turbo

    Ape Lincoln! It’s a palindrome… or something.

  • Palpatine

    “Video Games: The Movie”? I first thought “what the fuck?”, but then I saw it was a documentary on the history of video games, and thought “okay, nevermind”. Maybe Jack and Rich Evans should handle that one.

  • Stupid Wizard

    Nothing like it? He openly admits that he ripped off the Plinkett style of reviewing

  • Captain Turbo

    Both wrong. Zombie Vincent Price for the win!

  • Captain Turbo

    You could have just said “HitB^5″ and saved a lot of characters…

  • Stupid Wizard

    Palpy, I hate white washing and I think films like Ten Commandments and Prince of Egypt are so great I don’t think they can be touched again. It’s why I hate the idea of an American Akira

  • Stupid Wizard

    Since you have a bunch of younger looking clones that you put your spirit in why don’t you try to get her back?

  • Captain Turbo

    Cher is still kind of bangable…

  • Captain Turbo

    Never. Plinkett is dead.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    Marky Mark finds the Ape Lincoln Monument because fuck you, that’s why.

  • omitted

    You named your pet moose?

  • Stupid Wizard

    I’m gonna beat you, asshole.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    If you like banging plastic and filler.

  • ModernDayMinstrel

    One again, real life interferes with my watching of an RLM video. *sigh*

  • Palpatine

    She died after losing the will to live.

  • Stupid Wizard

    It’s one of those crowd funded movies made by people that know how to make a documentary, I crowd fund documentaries like the Superman Lives one but I only give it to people that are actual filmmakers. It’s on demand I think but fuck I’d rather give my money to (insert joker here)

  • omitted

    I thought RLM stood for Real Life Masturbation

  • Hank_Henshaw

    It’s all the missing bottle of beers, them bottles would disperse light.

  • ModernDayMinstrel

    I’ve watched my fair share of that!
    *slide whistle*

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    You’re not missing much.
    Mike and Jay have tea with Andy Serkis.
    Rich Evans reveals that it was a monkey that almost burned down his Grandma’s house while trying to cook French Fries. He just didn’t want to get made fun of for having a pet monkey.
    Said pet monkey rips Jack’s face off.

  • Chris

    I had every intention of passing on this film. Now I’m going to see it. Thanks a-holes. Really.

  • ModernDayMinstrel

    SPOILERS!

  • sepiajack

    Oh the pain of a new HitB I can’t watch because its about a movie I genuinely want to see unspoiled and won’t get to see until tomorrow night!

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Look, RLM is so predictable the stories practically write themselves. How did you not see this coming?

  • Thanatos2k

    Yes. So very, very much.

  • JackMarco

    I don´t think you understood my wannabe funny racist comment

  • Percy Gryce

    Jack, I bet you and I are just waiting for that BOTW that they already have in the can. You point another reason why BOTW is superior: it doesn’t spoil anything currently in the theaters.

  • Thanatos2k

    No? Take Saving Private Ryan. Did you know how that ended before you went in? It could have gone either way. The point wasn’t “How the war ended.”

    Compare with a movie that’s instead about The Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Wonder how that ends?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Kurt Russell escapes LA and New York to save an orangutang named Gary Oldman.

    Hope that Helped.

  • Mark Bisone

    Personally, I’m holding out for “Movies: The Video Game”. I can’t wait to hawk Vita-Jex pills on the “Face in the Crowd” level.

  • omitted

    Oh, now I get it

  • RHCZ

    I know it’s a bit ridiculous here and there, but I genuinely enjoyed Land of the Dead.
    Strange enough, I didn’t think of it AT ALL when watching Dawn of the Planet of the Dead Apes.

    I might have to see both again, seeing either of those films right now seems more enjoyable than watching PLANES 2… Thanks guys. Also, great & funny review. Missed the ol’ Plinkett house, and nice little CliffClimber you left there. ;)

  • Stupid Wizard

    Am the only one that thought Jason Clark’s son in the film looked kinda stupid? He looked like a gender bend version of Ellie from The Last of Us. http://artistryingames.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/The-Last-of-Us-Ellie-1.jpg

  • Stupid Wizard

    Except for Deadliest Prey, I’ll never forgive them for that

  • Percy Gryce

    No, no, no, the other Sir Leonard.

  • RHCZ

    EH, I thought ParaNorman looked okay. He wasn’t too interesting, but he had a few okay moments with the Orangutan here and there and … yeah, just, whatever.

  • Percy Gryce

    That turd had a theatrical release?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Confirmed for Gray.

  • Stupid Wizard

    Turd? Deadliest Prey is the greatest sequel since Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    You fuck that room up Igor!

  • Patrick

    Two Half in the Bag episodes within a week? Is this real life?

    Whatever, I just wanted to mention that DotPotA feels like a smart man’s Avatar.

  • Stupid Wizard

    Children of Men was so great Naughty Dog ripped a lot of it off when they made the Last of Us

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    That puppet is using way too much Botox.

  • West .Raz

    God I thought the anti gun thing was SOOOOOOOOOOOO have handed in this one too me it seem like the message of this hole movie was every ok tell we give them (man or apes) guns! then every one is dead!

  • Stupid Wizard

    Does any one speak asian?

  • Stupid Wizard

    That’s a shame. Since both of you and her were Star Wars surely Shabby Blue drew a picture of you two, that way she’ll be in your heart for ever…..and yes I made a Shabby Blue reference….I feel dirty

  • omitted

    hefty palmed?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Well, that pad helmet is on the Sunset Strip, so it kinda fits in perfectly with the surroundings.

  • omitted

    They have one in the can? How do we get it out of there?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Watching the first HiTB episode and then switching to this episode to see the difference in lighting quality is like switch from low beams to high beams.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Your writing gave me AIIIIIIIIIDS!

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    NIGI isn’t here, man.

  • Mark Bisone

    You know, I’m not one of those soy vegan PETA pussies, but one thing I didn’t like was chimp-jail. I remember visiting chimp-jail at the Bronx Zoo about a dozen or so years ago. They were busy building some kind of glass enclosed monkey reserve for them, but in the meantime they had all the chimps locked up in these concrete cells. Looked awful. I remember watching one of them doing slow laps around the perimeter, dragging its head along the walls like that chick in “The Yellow Wallpaper”. If I recall correctly, they had a fire in chimp-jail the next summer, and it burned them all straight to Hell. Sad business, that was. Wish I’d busted his monkey-ass out, Papillion-style.

    On the other hand, fuck those goddamned sea lions. Obnoxious, tawny, showoff fucks!

  • omitted

    in spaaaaceeeeeeeeeee?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    55% is a passing grade, dude.

    C’s get degrees!

  • Hank_Henshaw

    Episode One can’t be that bad when you guys keep ripping off that scene where they pump gas in the room to kill the heroes. First in Gamestation 2.0, now this.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    NIGI, just sitting at 1000.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    More like Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!

    http://i.imgur.com/SzUuJ1b.png

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Yeah, Lelouch! Get off your ass AND get off your book!

  • Mark Bisone

    A planet where ape-comments evolved from men-comments?

  • LelouchtheFilial

    Jesus. I’m going to say that the movie was PRO-gun, just to contradict you.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash
  • Mark Bisone

    How the hell do you even know you’re contradicting him? Do you speak Bocce???

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Lincoln

    Starring Andy Serkis

    Directed by Steven Spielberg [who is also played by Serkis]

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Her pixels make me stiff.

  • Miguel Angel Teran

    Hay you ever heard of groundhog day? I loved both movies but neither of them did somthing new.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Baby Gaga?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Yes.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I always deflate a balloon in the middle of my jokes.

  • forkinthebrain

    My doctor told me I have a Half in the Bag addiction. To cure it, he reccomended removing the fork in my brain.

    I stuck a fork in his brain.

    Now he watches Half in the Bag.

  • LelouchtheFilial

    You’re the saddest clown I know.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    MORE CUTE PUPPY AVATARS PLZ!!!!!

  • Big Al

    I was actually thinking of Land of the Dead seventeen years ago! Great review. Was pleasantly surprised how much I enjoyed this film. Yay I got to use the word film in a sentence!

  • LelouchtheFilial

    I don’t think it really matters… Will he even be able to read this?

  • Furia Hardkur

    a mystery ! sweet !

  • Mark Bisone

    From the looks of it, he might be so drunk he’ll be able to read all three of this.

  • Thanatos2k

    I was baffled when I found out Planes: Fire and Rescue wasn’t a direct to DVD movie.

  • Mark Bisone

    On the other hand, Moll’s forehead looks like my wrinkly old scrotum. No wonder he’s such a sex magnet!

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Confess! How many of those 295 comments were about Jay??

  • Stupid Wizard

    Everyone has AIDS!

  • omitted

    and shit

  • LelouchtheFilial

    The Pope has got it and so do you!

  • LelouchtheFilial

    All three?
    All three?
    All three?
    All three?

    Well, shit, he’s drunk AND he sucks at counting!

  • Mark Bisone

    That lock of hair better be hiding a hideous scar or a glob of melting wax. It looks like the Photoshopper just kinda gave up on that side.

  • Percy Gryce

    I too have become increasingly ambivalent about zoos. Although you might not know that, at least at the National Zoo here in Washingtown, chimp-jail has been replaced by the “Think Tank,” where orangutans get iPads and practically roam free via a series of towers and wires. So that’s an improvement.

    On second thought, it looks like we’re actually prepping them for POTA. Damn you (and your sentimentalism) all to hell!!!!!!

  • omitted

    Probably about 99%. I just can’t help myself around that perfect male specimen.

    By the way, how are the preparations for the deathmatch determining Jay’s owner once and for all coming along?

  • Mark Bisone

    Like I always say, aim for the middle.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    R-r-r-r-review.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I’m glad you Cher’d that GIF with us.

  • Percy Gryce

    Talk to your boy, @redletterjay:disqus. He’s editing or rendering re-editing or rerendering or something.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    If I sit too long, my balls stick to the insides of my thighs.

    My friend calls this ‘bat wings’.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    That pun was so good you produced an audible groan.

  • Percy Gryce

    It’s like a second language to me.

  • Mark Bisone

    They’re probably just logging onto Daily Kos and HuffPo to fling their pearls of wisdom at the unwashed masses.

  • Mark Bisone

    You forgot to call me sir, so I’m going with the robot that look’s like a trash can at a Japanese airport.

  • Percy Gryce

    I wager 15 quatloos on the newcomer.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Jaden Smith?

    “How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren’t Real”

    http://img1.ndsstatic.com/wallpapers/375487f815b93f40830d79bddab9a9d8_large.jpeg

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I figured all wrinkly old scrotums looked like Treebeard’s face. Thanks for proving me wrong, Mark!

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    That’s how Bob Kane really got his idea for Batman, but was too embarrassed to admit it.

  • LelouchtheFilial

    Okay… okay… I’m taking a break from commenting.

    By which I mean, I’m waiting ’til the next video. I’m not pulling a full Ident-level extended hiatus.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    Funny, because the first one was original intended to be a DTV thing, while this one was always meant for theatrical release.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    If it makes you feel any better, no person can bump into you for staring at their smart phones with this exhibit. Instead they’re gonna smack you in the face while trying to get a good pic of the chimps with their smart phone instead.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Liar. You’ll be back.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Does anyone speak the language that is Asian?

  • LelouchtheFilial

    But will Ident?
    I’m… I’m starting to miss him.
    The levels of snarky-ness in the comments have been… so, so mild, lately.
    EDIT: Shit, I thought I was taking a break.

  • Stupid Wizard

    Guys, Tommy Wiseau’s shitcom- I mean sitcom Neighbors is real and it’s coming out in September

  • Herwig Riedl

    dar. cliffhangers

  • KonradZell

    Fun fact: years before the previous Apes film, Andy Serkis played a character named Monkey in a video game called Enslavement: Odyssey to the West, as well as the mocap for the Kong in Jackson’s King Kong. I don’t know why I’m posting this.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    You should aim high and become a raging alcoholic just to improve your odds.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Aw, I have to do all the preparations?? Gee whiz, this is worse than having to run a block-party… (BYOW at least!)

  • Mark Bisone

    Wait, I thought you were betting the ship?

  • Palpatine

    It’s official, Jaden Smith is a great philosopher, plain and simple. Oh Jaden, please give us more of your wisdom. Or he could be quoting the great Richard William Thomas Evans III, a man who has infinite wisdom.

  • Mark Bisone

    I’ve been waiting a long time for someone to make this joke. And now that my wait has ended, I must evacuate my bowels.

  • Mark Bisone

    You have to stop dating Scotsmen.

  • JohnBigbooty

    I didn’t care much for the previous movie, and I had even less hope for this one. But saying that Dawn isn’t like Land of the Dead is good enough for me. I’ll give it a try.

  • omitted

    Well, the whole thing was your idea. Feeling sorry you challended my claim to Jay? I’d be more than happy to accept your capitulation at this point

  • Tim D

    Jay “it’s amazing how far we’ve come from Tim Burton’s 2003 version”. Seriously? I know the Burton one gets a lot of hate, but the makeup in that film was incredible and 100X more realistic than this film. I’ll take amazing makeup over CGI anyday. “Don’t praise the machine”.

  • Alex Lee

    If only the 2003 version was better at telling a story…

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    YES!

  • Alex Lee

    Alright, he’s baaaaaacckkk! You fuck!

  • Sean Gall

    We could argue the semantics of what you said but I can already tell I would be better off banging my head against a wall.
    He never admitted to blatantly ripping off the style at all, and his YMS reviews are incredibly different from Plinketts, most notably that Adam isnt a character and Plinkett is. Just because he has a similar style doesnt make it a rip off.
    Ultimately, which is what you dont want to admit, is that he legitimately criticized something you liked. You take things like that as an insult to your intelligence and you wont have any of that, now would you.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I know right?! I’ve been waiting forever for Mike to start eating dog treats !

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Not enough A’s

  • Sean Gall

    What a lazy comparison, its apples and oranges. They are entirely different movies with different premises.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Then you get these idiots, except now they’re even MORE in your way.

    http://chicagodetours.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/picture-with-ipad.jpg

  • Sean Gall

    2001…………2001 is when Burtons “Apes” movies came out, just because Jay made a guess at the date doesnt mean you have to accept it as the actual date.
    Its laughable at best to suggest that the Burton effects were “amazing.” The Articulation of the mouth specifically was a HUGE flaw.

  • Guest

    meep meep (duplicated edited)

  • Sean Gall

    Ever hear of that little thing, whats it called again??? OH YEAH!!! PARODY!
    And yes, the prequels are dog shit.

  • omitted

    Just like Mr. Plinkett, I call Jay ‘little lady’.

    As long as he’s not re-imagining a gritty reboot of the series, we should be fine

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    It’s called Rediting [mix between the 'Red' in Red Letter Media and editing; I'm a genius].

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    You’re a bit off.

    Pet monkey ripped all Jack’s hair off. Difference.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    I-I-I-I will never give in! Jay For No One Forever!!
    This twinkie is staying in its wrapper, y’all. So says my mah-che-teh! *does weird flippy-hand-move*

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    The first ‘Planes’ had a budget of about $50 million yet somehow grossed $219.8 million worldwide, more than quadrupling its production budget.

    It’s a sad, sad state of affairs [plane pun].

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Aww. Your thumbnail is so cute now.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Is that how he was attempting to read it? Silly boy. You’re using the wrong end, Lulu!

  • Sean Gall

    Land of the Dead is pretty bad actually, mildly entertaining but Romero Kow towed to Hollywood and they ruined his franchise.
    Now that doesnt explain the abominations that were Diary and Survival of the Dead, Romero just lost his touch by that time.
    The original Trilogy are classic though, even though some people dog on Day I personally almost like it more than the others, I said almost.
    I saw Night for the first time when I was 15 and was scared shitless, B&W movies werent supposed to be that scary. I was a few years older when I saw Dawn and Day so I wasnt as disturbed by them but still Dawn has some imagery thats shocking.
    Sorry for rambling.

  • omitted

    Take your stinkin paws off my Jay, you damn dirty… GIRL!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    “If you don’t understand the book at first you should sit on it for a while.”

    Unfortunately, Lelouch takes things literally.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    I wish they’d dedicate an entire episode…of well something (plinkett review maybe?) to the rise and fall of Romero…

  • forkinthebrain

    You do realize there’s a fork in that puppies brain right

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I’m of the opinion that these are the best special effects I’ve seen in a film this year. Very realistic looking and the CGI apes almost perfectly matched the environment. Not just that, they didn’t treat them as some flashy thing to show off, it was just another part of the story and they used CGI as a tool to help tell the story. WETA just keeps pushing the envelope.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Oh, wait, that was actually my colostomy bag deflating!!

    Shit…

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    This seems to be in higher quality now.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    With or without that massive metal object lodged into the skull?

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Well, I’m not with you 100X, but, yeah, make-up and also choreography in Burton’s was really great.

    However, everything else was crap.

    EVERYTHING.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Now, all the geeks are gonna call you a snob.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Cute?

    The puppy has a fork. In. Its. Brain.

    Cute is weird in your house.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Either you’re making a lot of wild assumptions or you know Stupid Wizard far more intimately than you’re leading on.

    Either way, you’re being an asshole, which means you’ll probably fit right in here at RLM as long as you also crack some jokes.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Jesus. I’m just gonna say gun-nuts are fuck-wits and win the argument.

    Gun-nuts are fuck-wits.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Keep your comments off me, you damn, dirty guy who writes stuff on the internet!

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Meaning, AVATAR feels like a dumb man’s AVATAR?

    Yeah, that’s correct.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    But think of all the good the purge does.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    C’s are Republican Presidents.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    It’s only numbers, brah. That’s like admitting the length of your penis matters.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Not enough “fucks” in this message.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Apraham Lincoln.

  • CorbeauNoir

    There are times when you just really need to look to the locally-run single-screen places. One of them here is finally screening Snowpiercer, probably catching that tonight.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    What about her?

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Mike said the apes looked fake.

    Was he being sarcastic?

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    ♫ ♪ Doop doop doop. De-de doo-doo, doo-doo doop.

    Oh, yeah, baby.

    If there’s a smile on my face…♪ ♫

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Ooh. I didn’t like SNOWPIERCER, and I resent you associating that with this.

    Talk about black and white!

    The last human survivors are an Asian and a black kid, and they have to kill a big, WHITE bear.

    That movie was the opposite of smart.

  • wmooring

    I kind of love how the framing devices in Half in the Bag are constructed almost entirely out of non-existent fourth walls. It’s an impressive architectural feat!

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Yeah, like drop a bomb on her and see which pieces survive.

    BANG!

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Ooh, another really bad movie. Even worse than TITANIC.

    Neither one of them as bad as THE AVENGERS.

    Discuss…

  • Stupid Wizard

    It’s available on demand too, that’s how I watched it

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Fucking Christian Bale as Moses. This sh!t makes me laugh.

    Ridley Scott’s an idiot.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    I thought the messages was ultimately more about the genetically engrained mandate to destroy and create that is within all of us. There were also themes about the value of understanding and communication, and our propensity to dehumanize those with whom we engage in conflict. But then I was thinking about the whole movie and not one or two key scenes. The movie touched on guns, both on their dangers and the limitations in the effectiveness of gun control, though I thought it was handled maturely.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Nope. Nope you don’t.

    Your generation deserves sh!t.

  • Stupid Wizard

    CAPS LOCK MEANS I DISAGREE WITH YOU YOUR FUCKING OPINION IS WRONG! AAARRRGGHHHH

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Don’t make me smother you with my un-erotic girly bits!
    I will protect Jay’s purity… Ev-even if he is a sociopath with bizarre, perverse interests. ._.
    *scratches head absent-mindedly with machete*

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    I’m commenting after your comment to complain that your comments are usually better than this one was. But that was before I thought about, and, since I don’t wanna piss you off, I’ve decided not to comment.

    Wish I did things in the proper order.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    For real?

  • Pop Rivets

    So it’s basically The Wind that Shakes the Barley, but with monkeys… Okay… I’m in.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Look, puppies with compound skull fractures are so much more adorable than an avatar of a transparent teapot, Jack Nicholson’s lobotomy, Jar-Jar Binks, your face, and 1800s high society.

    So yes, in the context of this RLM universe, more cute puppies please.

  • Stupid Wizard

    WETA for me is the best visual effects company in the world. Their work on King Kong, Lord of The Rings, Man of Steel which I though was meh but visually great, and Avatar. Say what you want against the story of Avatar the visual effects are some of the greatest CG work in film history and it works well combine with the sets that WETA Workshop built. The first I saw Caesar in this movie I thought he was a real chimp and when I saw Gamora or whatever in Avatar I thought she was a puppet.

  • Stupid Wizard

    Of course he wasn’t, the apes look like shit and the sun is extremely cold

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    The list-making powers are strong with this one.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    OK I SEE HOW YOU DO

    SNOWPIERCER IS THE MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIE OF THE YEAR. THE WHOLE REASON WEINSTEIN FUDGED ITS DISTRIBUTION WAS TO CREATE A FALSE HYPERBOLE FOR GENERIC PRODUCT. THE FUCK-YOU TWIST IS LAZIER THAN ANYTHING SHYAMALAN HAS EVER DONE. “HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT WE SAID — IN THE VERY SCENE RIGHT BEFORE THIS ONE — WELL FUCK THAT, BECAUSE WE’RE GONNA CLIMAX THIS WAY, ON ACCOUNT OF WE’RE DICKS.”

    AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Thank you. I’ll wear a sweater.

  • Stupid Wizard

    Nah, he’s being too asshole-ish to be an RLM fan

  • Stupid Wizard

    In his review of Precious he said “I know I’d doing the redlettermedia style of reviewing but it works for me”

  • omitted

    Once again my horny devil has been omitted

  • Stupid Wizard

    You are the biggest a hole on this site

  • dennett316

    “Keep ripping off”? They’ve done it twice. If someone ate clam chowder twice in 10 years, would you say they kept eating clam chowder? Don’t be a knuckle-head!

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I thought it was a pyromaniac fox wearing a mask. My bad.

  • Stupid Wizard
  • Boehm

    George Lucas, George Romero, coincidence? I think not!!!!!!!!!!

  • Stupid Wizard

    “The human eye can detect fakeness”

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Yes, but even better because a chimp drives a tank in this one.

  • omitted

    This I could not foresee… An innocent soul willing to sacrifice herself for Jay, not to take him for herself but to protect him from my sick schemes… I must retreat to my lair and re-evaluate my strategy

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Chimps evolving overnight I can accept…but zombies? actual dead peopl? C’mon man! just what the fuck were you thinking?

  • omitted

    Length? How do you seperate it from the girth?

  • Captain Sheryl Crow

    This summer is turning out to be a real shock as far as good movies. A great X-Men movie, a fantastic Tom Cruise action sci fi movie, and an apparently great gritty reboot prequel starring cgi apes. I was not going to see this one, but now I’m excited. Could this be the return of good cinema? It’s safe to call it a mystery :O

  • Otto: Autopilot

    What did Shoji Tabuchi type your comment?

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    I am giving you an upvote for your use of that simpsons quote…but I gotta say the tim burton movie sucked terrible terrible ass…and the makeup and costumes were hugely distracting and more hideous than mark whalburgs performance.

  • Otto: Autopilot

    Together we can help keep RLM politics free.

  • Stupid Wizard
  • Stupid Wizard

    I LIKE SNOWPIERCER BECAUSE IT’S VISUALLY ENGAGING AND THE STORY TELLING WORKS BECAUSE OF IT’S REALISTIC YET HYPERUNREALISTIC WORLD! CAPSLOCKS MEANS YOU’RE WRONG!!!!

  • Stupid Wizard

    Giving Michael Bay more money is not good

  • Otto: Autopilot

    XxSWFan92 has been Taco Nash all along.

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    This episode is like a lowbrow riff on Waiting for Godot. Mike and Jay are Vladimir and Estragon. Mr. Plinkett and the Night Court VHS Tape are Pozzo and Lucky. Just go with it, people.

  • Stupid Wizard

    The end of the human race is here

    http://www.youtube.com/embed/ThfQTqNPiIA

  • sepiajack

    Definitely! This doesn’t happen very often where there’s a movie I want to see but the HitB manages to come out before I’ve seen it, but i had to skip seeing Apes opening night and won’t get a chance until saturday evening.

    Watched RISEotPotA tonight instead, forgot how sad this movie is, but really good. Also strangely in the mood to revisit the Tim Burton one, it’s not very good, but I love the make up effects for the apes, and Roth, HBC, Giametti and Clarke-Duncan are all excellent in it.

  • sepiajack

    Going to see Snowpiercer next week, it’s supposed to be great, although that premise is going to take a LOT of suspension of disbelief for me to come to grips with.

  • Dswynne

    “This is my riffle, this is my gun…”

  • Otto: Autopilot

    This won’t lead to monkey Terminators at all, good job Gryce!

  • CJ Lack

    Soon enough it will be.

  • dollar store cashier wife

    cinema was always good.it’s your own problem if your horizons stop at summer blockbusters.

  • Stupid Wizard

    The make up in that film lacks grit to it. For me it looks to polish to be realistic if you can it to things in the Lord of The Rings trilogy. And make up for me is great for creatures that aren’t meant to be played by actors. Motion Capture allows you to capture the entire performance of the actor and they are not covered up with tons of latex. Also motion capture is not all just CGI work, of course there is the actors but with these films they are to study apes to have the animation be believable and also in the Lord of The Rings films they had to physically create Gollum’s skin texture and design.

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    “Hail to the Chimp!” — Homer Simpson

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    I thought that was Rommel?

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    Tim, I think it’s time you begin a Butlerian Jihad against thinking machines.

    Also, it’s rather ironic, since this is posted on an Internet discussion thread.

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    Jay speaketh not gospel truth?

    Burn the witch!!!

  • Stupid Wizard
  • mk741

    I think a pair of Michael Bay productions this summer keep the Hollywood-quality spectrum in balance.

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    Snob? Me? Oh, right, my name.

  • Andrey Tarkovsky Reference

    At least it’s a relief they’ll all die from simian flu, since they are all anti-vaxxer fuckwits.

  • Alex Lee

    I’ve always wondered if apes though the entire franchise is like Birth of a Nation or Black-face to them.

  • Palpatine

    Nute Gunray must have Mike and Jay gassed, and then told his battle droids; “Dey must dead by now, destroy what’s left of dem”.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    You spelled “highbrow” wrong.

  • Alex Lee

    Not in my school. That’s just an F. Movies sure have a lenient grader than students.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    The world is grey.

    It’s very very grey.

    [I think I spent over an hour trying to figure out how to pull this one off ... went through the most convoluted bullshit; I should learn how to use Photoshop]

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Mark mentioned ‘Tequila’. I was asking, “What about Tequila?”

    I purposefully mixed what he was saying with something else for [apparently not-so] comedic effect.

  • Stupid Wizard

    Choreography? Like what? The stupid unrealistic jumping?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash
  • Stupid Wizard
  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Speaking of guns, have you seen Jay’s? Hard to imagine NOT being pro-gun after see those bad boys. ;) No, not that pistol in his hand, the ones on his arms.

    http://i2.minus.com/jISP612I2x0nE.jpg

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Yep.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    They’re APES!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I said grey, not gay.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Care to explain where you got your thumbnail from [yes, your internet thumbnail, not the ones on your thumbs]? I’d be interested in hearing what happened to this Forkshire Terrier dog.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Jay might have some Photoshop books at Carol’s house that you can use. The world is a nice backdrop for Jay’s face.

    And I don’t care how Captain Picard spells it. Riker probably spells it “Gray,” so I’m totally following his lead.

  • diehounderdoggen

    The vampire gas is back! They’re finally gonna get turned into vimpaars!

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd
  • moonvats

    BTW The meaning of ‘Koba’ or ‘Kobam’ in Sanskrit and most Indian languages is ‘anger’.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    I don’t know how to make the vid stop playing (but imp pretty sure there is a way) so just pause it on your own after 0:11.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    My avatar ["I see you"] is not of my face. It’s Martin LaSalle from the 1959 Robert Bresson film Pickpocket. It’s the film with the Natalie Portman lookalike Marika Green, who just so happens to be the aunt of actor Eva Green, whose most notable film performance could arguably be in Casino Royale, who also had Lasco Atkins as uncredited Airport Staff, who also was in X-Men: First Class as an uncredited Hellfire Club Patron, which starred …

    KEVIN BACON! Six degrees of Kevin Bacon. ;)

    Also, Lasco Atkins was in Avatar as an uncredited Trooper, going back to my first joke.

    Natalie Portman lookalike Marika Green:
    http://emiliux.files.wordpress.com/2007/09/captura0.png

    Image of Martin LaSalle I used for my avatar:
    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-46o27XmL8TU/TxzVl3TKm-I/AAAAAAAAE-c/UK_ykcTGY10/s400/pickpocketcap.jpeg

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Holy shit. She does look like Natalie Portman.
    I love Eva Green, too. Her “I’m the money” scene in Casino Royale was wonderful.

    Why do you like Pickpocket? I’ve not heard of it.

  • PoopyJoe

    “Exactly as it was. That was the agreement.”
    That sounds like it came from somewhere. Does it?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    “Seriously?”

    Yeah, I know. How could Jay say such a thing? Like, the film came out in 2001, not 2003! Thanks for pointing out the mistake.

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0133152/

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    I felt sorry for giamatti in that movie, guy had to ham his ham all the way to ham-town just to get a basic emotion across…

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Are you a Chinese mother looking at her child’s report card or something?

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    She’s a terrible actress, but I would like to stick my finger in her poophole.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Women have poopholes?

    God I’m so lonely…

  • Donny Lurch

    Whoa! Serkis played Monkey? I have that game, but I lost interest partway through and stopped playing. Does it get better?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    If I was a Tiger mother that quote would have been “Not enough A+”

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Didn’t you show other pictures of Eva Green on here as part of some anatomy lesson or something?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    It was a bit distracting how similar she looked to Natalie Portman when I watched the film.

    I’m not sure why exactly I enjoyed Pickpocket. I watched it for a film class and the film was very odd, to say the least. It was different. The soundtrack was very distinct in that the environment felt a bit muted and off but odd things like footsteps were at the forefront. The director specifically chose people who hadn’t acted before so he could get them to perform exactly how he wanted, like mannequins, and it showed. They had mostly blank expressions with little-to-no emotion throughout the film. Their motives are never really given and their actions never quite explained; we’re left to ponder why exactly the characters behaved how they did.

    I could ramble on about it, but I think late film critic Robert Eger does a good job of writing about it if you care to read more:

    http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/great-movie-pickpocket-1959

  • http://scruffynerfherderreviews.blogspot.ca/ Andrew Braid

    X-Men: Days of Future Past, Edge of Tomorrow, How to Train Your Dragon 2, 22 Jump Street, and now Dawn of the Planet of the Apes… man, there’s actually been some really awesome movies this summer (many of them awesome sequels, no less).

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    I always knew monkeys were unoriginal hacks. Stop re-appropriating our culture, jerks!!
    Something must be done about this right away… To the Tumbler-copter! <-_-/ *fwoooosh*

  • forkinthebrain

    I googled fork in the brain

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Tila Tequila, Rebecca Hall, accidentally posted one of Kirsten Dunst [damn you, Disqus!], and possibly a few others that I’m forgetting about.

    What does a female’s skin feel like? Would it feel like … like my own? Someone told me they don’t have penises but, like, ‘innies’. What does that even mean?

    *Cries.*

  • Hank_Henshaw

    What is it with Georges?

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Am I the only one here that didn’t really care for Xmen: Futurepants?

    :-/

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I wonder if there was a ape version of 9/11 as well? They stole our culture, but will they steal our tragedies?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I see…

  • Mitchell Taco Nash
  • Hank_Henshaw

    Eh, I guess it wasn’t clear. I wasn’t being serious in the slightest. I’m not even a fan of Star Wars in general, much less of the prequels.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    3 of those films are from Fox, too.

    Never would have seen that coming.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    Yup. I wasn’t being serious at all. Honestly, I’ve probably seen the OT maybe once each movie, and I’ve NEVER bothered with the prequels. I’m more of an Indiana Jones type of guy… except that fourth movie.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Not enough A+? Who are you, Lady Gaga?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9GVYl8Yj1M

  • KonradZell

    Well, MINOR SPOILER but you do get to see more close-up footage of Andy Serkis’ actual, real face at the end than any normal human could possibly want.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Jokes are hard.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    If they do it again in Best Of The Worst… then what will you say to defend those hack frauds?

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    (adopts an angelic pose, emitting rays of holy light)
    ……….*facial twitch*
    No seriously. I will murder anyone who tries to make our Jay Bauman happy. #NoSexForJay2014
    #TheBeardMustStayUnsullied
    #IHaveAMacheteYouHaveBeenWarned

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Speaking of Fox….

    Let’s talk about Fantastic Four: Chronicle 2: Framily Matters.

  • Harry Palm

    Apes aren’t monkeys. Monkeys have tails. Apes don’t.

  • Harry Palm

    I thought it sucked and was nothing but a lame excuse to do a reboot without actually doing a reboot.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Probably wouldn’t have said it “sucked” just…you know…meh.

    it was alright.

    but i’ve never liked any of the xmen movies and it’s not really anything I could even put my finger on, so its probably something wrong with me personally.

  • Palpatine

    This comment sponsored by Applebees, proudly serving shitty food and weak alcoholic drinks to fat middle aged moms everywhere. MOTHERFUCKER!!!

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    XD

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I don’t particularly like Xmen, can’t get into the comics, but it felt nice to see Xavier/Magneto in a different light. The plot is a what-if scenario without all the confusion. And the creators of this movie felt like they cared.

    I would be really hard pressed to purchase this movie when it comes to dvd, as I’m content with one viewing, but I personally liked Winter Soldier much more for reasons I can’t really explain, either.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    And how do you know so much about this, eh?? I bet you’re one of those dirty, hairy statue-copiers, aren’t you?? *…cocks shotgun*

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I have a tail, except it’s in the front.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Ill grant that it was competent and that there wasn’t anything glaringly terrible about it. having a time travel plot is certainly a particular challenge that these guys met and overcame…so good for them on that. but i just couldnt get into any of the characters…maybe because the plot was spreading itself kinda thin trying to give a good amount of screen time to wolv, mistique, mags, xavier, future xavier, futuer mags, and dink or maybe im just looking for excuses i dont fucking know…I do know i won’t be buying the dvd though.

  • guest

    So when are you hacks going to review snowpiercer?

  • CorbeauNoir

    Just got back from it. I enjoyed it a lot but I can definitely see why it would be a polarizing movie. I would say if you liked The Host you’d probably like Snowpiercer a fair
    bit, it has a lot of the same kind of eccentric interjection of humor.

    I’ll annotate that I’m a big fan of French science-fiction comics, which the movie is an adaptation of. A healthy dose of parable-laden surrealism and some, admittedly, ham-fisted political/social commentary are very common tropes of the genre, so I was generally able to roll with the premise and the messages more than I imagine other people might.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    What characters would you have wanted taken out? I really loved Quiksilver, but could’ve lived without Beast.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    I dunno, probably just the xmen and brotherhood ones…and all the ones who teamed up in the future…

  • Cameron Vale

    The word for ‘tail’ in Latin is ‘penis.’

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Which is the ep where jay and mike get attacked by hundreds of slide whistles?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Quicksilver was one of the highlights. A total blast.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Okay, @percygryce2:disqus, fess up. Did you send them one [or both] of these books?

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Amendment: If the movie had just been Dink and quicksilver
    doing stuff, inter-cut by scenes of Magneto kicking people in the ass with giant purple metal boots sans of any coherent plot or development I think i’d have enjoyed that a lot more…

    and cable…where the fuck was cable?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    “I need you to come over to my brand new old house that they just fucking built…”

    Rich Evans delivered those lines beautifully The real fake Mr. Plinkett is funny.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    Well, technically they’re called Na’vis because avatars are not the real inhabitants of Pandora.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    They’ve been away from Plinkett’s house so long that they forgot how to use chairs.

    http://i.minus.com/i9Kh0oVOwTXNr.gif

  • bassbait

    The great thing about this review is that a new movie came out that’s good. The bad thing about it is I don’t care. Can we please just have a NEW movie come out? Like someone creates a movie from their own idea, and it’s good, and it makes a lot of money?

  • bassbait

    I’ve seen Xmen 2 800 times and I don’t remember a single part in it. I’ve seen Xmen 3 I think twice and I remember there’s a scene where a house gets vaporized and some guy is the juggernaut, bitch. I remember another guy is a prick (the least clever joke ever told) and uh, the golden gate bridge or something.

    Since I remember Xmen 3 more than 2 or 1, that makes it the best in the series so far. My opinion is invalid but you all know I’m right!!!

  • Joe Syxpac

    All that work on the floorboards and it still looks wrong.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    “It’s gonna be great.”

    Mike Stoklasa quoting Jay Bauman quoting George Lucas

  • WrongWithYourFace

    Now more worthy of its name than ever. Also, you kicked Len off the charts, you monster.

  • Thanatos2k

    Turtles comes out later this year, so no.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Gotta spread that simian flu somehow.

  • Thanatos2k

    A character study, perhaps?

  • bassbait

    You’ve committed Red Letter Media suicide by claiming to not be big on the OT. I’d give you my copy of Empire to help you before it’s too late but you’d have to scrape the dried up sperm out of it first. Don’t ask how it got there.

  • Thanatos2k

    You mean mysteries.

  • bassbait

    I’ve seen his guns. In fact I see them every day when I pleasure myself. My plan is to build my own guns by masturbating to pictures of Jay’s guns.

  • Thanatos2k

    Yeah but unlike the Jedi who immediately hold their breath, Jay and Mike happily breathe in the obviously deadly gas.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Can posters experience shrinkage?

  • bassbait

    No, you’ve failed!!! Rediting is too close to “redditing” which is approximately the worst thing that can possibly be done on the internet, along with “tumblring”.

  • Thanatos2k

    What kind of school has 55% as passing? <69 = F

  • bassbait

    although I think I liked the stunt work better in Breakin 2

  • bassbait

    Care Boars

  • bassbait

    Wait they made a movie out of “video games”? What just like every video game ever?

  • bassbait

    so it’s sort of like a backwards Toy Story scenario? In the sense that Toy Story 1 and 2 are great and Planes is garbage?

  • Joe Syxpac

    What an enigma.

  • Joe Syxpac

    This poster certainly is.

  • bassbait

    295 just to be in? Jeez I got some catching up to do! I need to remove myself even further from society in order to focus more heavily on getting my name added to the hall of shame!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    When are you hacks going to review Boyhood? Huh?!

    The time-span of the film just barely takes up over half of my life so far. Jesus.

  • Mark Bisone

    He said “chimp” not “champ”.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Just don’t forget to switch hands once in a while.

  • backwards7

    How well will the nascent San-Franciscan ape colony cope with a natural disaster such as a sharknado? They apparently lack an organisation like FEMA that could provide a coordinated multi-tiered response to large-scale emergencies of this kind.

    What place, if any, will the song It’s Raining Men have in their society?

    What happens if one day the apes discover a mailbox that keeps filling up with letters that Keanu Reeves wrote in the past?

    At this point Reeves is dead, having succumbed to simian flu, but in the past he’s still writing them letters and there’s not a god-damn thing Caesar or any of the other apes can do about it. Some of these apes have lived in captivity for most of their lives. They are sensitive beings with limited exposure to the wider world. They don’t know how to deal with Reeves whose acting credits include films such as Johnny Mnemonic, The Last Time I Committed Suicide and The Matrix Revolutions.

    Will the travelling pants from the films The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants and The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2 adapt to an ape body type?

    What will Skynet do after it realises that it’s been wasting its time sending terminators into the past to kill John Conner (who died from an aggressive strain of the flu)?

    What is the likely outcome of a scenario in which a Predator arrives on Earth with an old guidebook that lists humans as the dominant species. The Predator didn’t come dressed to hunt apes. It may not even have the appropriate permits to hunt them. Should it go ahead anyway?

    If Truman Burbank from The Truman Show emerges from his dome to discover that everybody is an ape does this constitute a moral victory for M Night Shyamalan (even though by this time he will also have died in the flu pandemic)?

    So many questions.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Yes.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    19:43

    That ship isn’t in the film. NON-SPOILERS!

  • Annabelle

    Apes-A-Poppin’? “What is that, some kind of tube?”? Mike is turning this show into Spot the Simpsons Reference.

  • Palpatine

    The biggest question is; “Will there be an ape version of Half in the Bag?”

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    I remember that the first one was annoying and clunky and as a short man had a hard time accepting a 6 foot tall wolverine but i remember it being a wicked big fucking deal that the xmen where coming to the big screen, the only thing i really remember about the story was that it culminated on the Statue of liberty… and I saw it in theaters because that’s what you were supposed to do. Then X2 came out and people got a big ol pink boner for it because nightcrawler, and it was bigger and crazier (and yes better) than the first one…i remember they mentioned Hanscom afb which was cool because I had a job their once as a contractor and its cool because it was like i was in a movie (honk). it was fun and i enjoyed it at the time (though it wore thin after about the 3rd or fouth viewing for me). the only thing i remember about it is that it culminated on a Dam The third one was abysmal just stupid stacked on stupid stacked on who gives a fuck…the movie should have been just Fraisier in blue makeup doing science stuff and being condescending to badguys…the only thing i remember about it was that it culminated on the Golden Gate Bridge….

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Wait a minute…Statue of Liberty, A Dam, Golden Gate Bridge…THAT WAS
    OUR PLANET!!!! YOU BLEW IT UP!!! YOU ANIMALS!!!! DAMN YOU DAMN YOU ALL
    TOOO HEEELLLLLL!!!!

  • Joe Syxpac

    Did anyone else think that “The Truman Show” would have been better if Truman had turned out to be a serial killer that all the actors were stuck in the dome with and the producers were keeping it running anyway?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Nice touch there at the end. ;)

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    I think “hail to the chimp” would have been more topical…

  • Joe Syxpac

    I’d suck at that game. I haven’t watched Simpsons since it stopped being funny.

  • Joe Syxpac

    You mean “Care Boars Save Christmas”?

  • Annabelle

    First eight seasons never stopped being funny.

  • Guest

    You got Gravity last year and Her this year! What do you expect, good original movies more often than once a year?? And I bet you want Christmas to happen every day too, ya asshole!

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Im gutsy enough to suggest there are moments all the way into season 12 that hold some charm…but im a fucking nut like that.

    …seriously though the shows core is 3-7 everything else can rot in hell…

  • Phil Davis

    You spelled rectum wrong.

  • Phil Davis

    James Franco didn’t create a disease that spread around the world, he is the disease.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd
  • http://www.leelaughead.com/ Lee Laughead
  • Stupid Wizard

    James Franco needs to do that after he’s done playing Tommy Wiseau

  • Stupid Wizard

    Hey, guys, have you seen Prometheus?

  • Stupid Wizard

    Breakin’ 2 in all seriousness is probably the worse sequel in the history of cinema besides Highlander 2

  • Stupid Wizard

    There are infinite Elizabeths. Thank you, Fred Levine

  • Stupid Wizard

    That will be the spark of their revolution. Soon they will take Andy Serkis as the first casualty

  • Stupid Wizard

    STOP ASKING COMPLETELY LOGICAL QUESTIONS!

  • Stupid Wizard
  • Stupid Wizard

    They choose the name because it was a codename of Joseph Stalin. Get your fucking facts straight, you fucking dumbass!

  • Stupid Wizard

    He’s so fucking lazy he forgets his fucking book is under his fucking ass!

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    ive just copied that to my desktop with the inntent of randomly shopping that face onto pics people post on the site…

  • atheistconservative

    Sigh. You impress us by liking Edge of Tomorrow, and then drop the ball by saying the monkey movie is better. Seriously, it wasn’t even clever. Ape not kill ape, you are not ape. I can be killed by no man, I am no man. Stupid phrase inversions that are meant to justify obvious flaws in logic in building the plot and allow an escape hatch for the writers to get to the conclusion they want, rather than the one that naturally follows.

    I agree with The Filthy Critic on this one. It’s professionally made. Looks great. Terrible movie though.

  • Heinzy

    I like the new Simpsons the way I like arsenic in my food.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    The premise of peace, sustainable peace being deeply with flawed was the entire premise of the film…not a flaw in the films logic. Course I could be imprinting my own ideals on it, but that’s how I interpreted it. The film concluding with Caesar finally coming to grips with this was (in my opinion) what made the film so great.

  • I Shot J.R

    I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if that isn’t a tube, Mike!

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    There’s nothing redeemable about what that show has been doing for the past decade…

  • phillipkslick

    I think I may have to rewatch DotPotA to really judge, there were many aspects I liked, but my main problem I think was that it’s not like the originals.

  • omitted

    Jay = The World

    It’s like poetry.

  • Punkster

    I saw an episode called Eternal Sunshine on the Simpson Mind, or something like that. Which was recent.
    It was surprisingly good imo.
    Although they had to spoil it by following it up with the next lame episode about Lisa, which had barely any humour to it at all.
    My point is there are some exceptions… I think that was my point, I’ve forgotten already.
    Quickly make a RLM reference before anyone notices.
    “Every shot is so dense…”
    There we go, saved.

  • Captain Turbo

    …quoting Julius Caesar on March 15th, 44 BC.

  • James

    Agreed. I think, when people look back, this film will be regarded as a watershed moment for mo-cap. Not once did it ever turn to schlock (although, I will say it almost did at one point, but it saved itself) and they only ever used CGI to bring those characters to life, characters that advanced the story.

    It’s one of the true realisations of the George Lucas non-self-fulfilling prophecy, “Special effects are just a tool, a means of telling a story. People have a tendency to confuse them as an end to themselves. A Special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing.”

  • Captain Turbo

    If it likes bananas, it’s a monkey!

  • Captain Turbo

    The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute, that was our planet!

  • sepiajack

    The casting of the Ape characters was all great, its Walberg and the humans, the claustrophic sets that lack scope or the sense that they are outside, the script to me that are the duds, that movie is still a worthy entry though just for the apes themselves.

    At least for the $7 copy I found.

  • TekJansen

    … or as it will soon be known as: DOTPOTA.

  • sepiajack

    Cool thanks. I never actually saw the Host. I’m going with a big group to see Snowpiercer though and we’ve been watching the trailer at parties for the last few weeks and trying to make sense of it, so I believe it will be an enjoyable outing in one way or another.

  • Meester Smeeth

    Aw, I thought it was gonna be He-Man…

  • Palpatine

    Rich Evans: ” Is, gagda, di di there, spu spu, eye eh, I I I, I I li, a a good ja, I I you go, you’re fi..”. Rich Evans everybody!

  • Mr.Fister

    Dante Alighieri is turning in his own grave

  • John Cxx

    I went to this film not expecting much and came away with even less.
    Boring, boring, boring.
    Edge of Tomorrow was a masterpiece compared to this piece of steaming Simian crap.

  • John Cxx

    I went to this film not expecting much and came away with even less.
    Boring, boring, boring.
    Edge of Tomorrow was a masterpiece compared to this piece of steaming Simian crap.

  • Like Icare

    That looks so Jayded.

  • Connor

    You’re entitled to your opinion, but you’re wrong and should kill yourself

  • Connor

    “No Man can kill me” was said by a magical demon that literally meant a human couldn’t kill him, then was killed by a woman because feminism.

    “Ape not kill Ape” was a code of conduct, then one motherfucker broke the rules and led their society into war, “You are not Ape” was just a “fuck you”. He didn’t break some magical spell you retard.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    THE STORY-TELLING DOESN’T WORK BECAUSE IT CONTRADICTS ITSELF FROM SCENE TO SCENE. CAPS LOCKS MEANS NOTHING!!!!

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    Well, that, maybe, too, although I don’t think any geeks even know who that is. However, there’s a bit of a dumbass internet thing bubbling up where “movie” is the only correct term and “film” implies artsy, elitist wankery.

    Which just goes to show…a joke never works if one has to explain it.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/TwoAwfulGuys Liam Harrison

    Yes how dare they upset you with their opinions.

  • Jean-François Martel

    now that is good fucking customer service.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    No, the running on all fours.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Speaking of remakes and monkeys…they’re remaking 12 monkeys…and turning it into a syfy drama ass fuck. Terrific! I think I’ll go kill myself now.

  • Pa Kent Says Maybe

    How can we make a million dollars off of our dad’s talent, if our dad’s talent ain’t real?

  • Junkie

    HEY IDIOTS

    KEEP PUMPING IN MORE GAS

  • NotRickBerman

    Then shoot them in the face.

  • NotRickBerman

    What’s Prometheus?

  • Meester Smeeth

    Oh, my, that looks completely awful.

  • Leo Silva

    I guess you won’t find many people who shares that opinion.

  • Leo Silva

    I’ll watch this after the movie comes out in my country, I’m feeling like I’m getting to much information.

  • andypants1989

    I thought the message of the film was that peace, especially between groups with established animosities is a delicate balancing act, which can all go to shit thanks to just a couple of paranoid douchebags on either side

  • andypants1989

    This movie is surprisingly good for the sequel to a 2nd attempt of a reboot which I never gave a crap about and was so bored by that I turned it off halfway through. Like amazingly improbably good. I thought the movie was great and had plenty of originality all things considered.

  • andypants1989

    22 Jump Street was a bland slice of tossed off blandness

  • Nerf-Herder

    I see the plognosticator is on the fritz again..

  • Otto: Autopilot

    Way to point out a major plot hole

    https://i.imgflip.com/afvf1.jpg

  • Junkie

    Fuck you, Rick Berman.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    I respect the OT, but not my favorite movies. I’m just not a big fan of fantasy adventures in general. Yeah, to most Star Wars is science-fiction, but to me it’s more like fantasy with a sci-fi paint coat.

  • Jean-François Martel

    isn’t passing grade 60?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Quick! Someone call Koba Qwyjibo! For the funny!

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Phew. When customers call me and start cursing me out over pricing, I just scream “Have a great day!” and hang up on them. I wonder if I should just curse right back.

  • Otto: Autopilot

    Respectfully disagree, if Eva Green can make a scene with Josh Hartnet interesting, she can do anything.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I thought you were telling me the chorus to S.O.S.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Have you read the graphic novel of SnowPiercer? It’s a good read. Well drawn, too.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Maybe Yahoo can hire the Orangutans so we can finally get well-written articles.

  • Jason Ross

    Hated this review and I’m a Spanish-speaker and also a lover of Eastern Europe, so I know what I’m talking about. Fuck movies.

    Should have been called “Dawn in the Apes: Half of the Bag of the Planet”

  • Coridan Kendrick Miller

    They have had four best movies this year already. Winter Soldier, XMen, Edge of Tomorrow and now this

  • Angel

    Yes. Significant shrinkage.

  • Fuck Me I’m January

    That’s…that’s NotRickBerman…….

  • Anonymous Coward

    Man I really feel like the odd man out right now, I’m not getting all the excitement about this movie. I thought it was absolute garbage. I get the argument about there being a far more nuanced than usual treatment of conflict compared to what we usually see but that was the only thing I thought the movie had going for it. All the humans roles were horrendously acted, I honestly thought that even Oldman’s performance was pretty corny. And honestly, I did enjoy the dialogue delivery by Andy Serkis but I feel like we missed half of his performance because of how fucking awful the apes looked. I was just really bored by the whole thing

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I was half expecting a droid to come into frame, delivering them some drinks, only for Mike and Jay to quickly stand up and whip out their lightsabers when the gas starts coming in.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Then they’ll make a sequel called … 13 Monkeys.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I thought Kiss Saved Christmas?

    No, wait, they save Santa.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    rat poison*

  • Derek Cottle

    No

  • Mitchell Taco Nash
  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Inaudible groans aren’t nearly as fun.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    “plastic and filler”

    I can’t even recognize Cher anymore.

    http://static.fleshlight.com/images/homepage_promo_boxes/499.png?lang=en

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Disqus*

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Ooh. Shiny and gold!

  • Ady

    We are already living on the planet of the apes. Humans are Apes!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I wonder where he got the idea for ‘the batcave’. ;)

  • Chuck Chuck Razool

    DIOXICIN!!!

  • Jeremy Davis

    i had the same thought

  • Jeremy Davis

    oh yeah? well, i am entitled to my opinion and it is my opinion that you are not entitled to your opinion.

  • HE1NZ

    Mike doesn’t look particularly impressed.

  • Stupid Wizard

    “They must be dead by now. Destroy what’s left of them”

  • Mo Jo

    When’s the last PRO capitalism message you’ve seen at the movies? The reason? Capitalism has more negatives than positives. Film makers don’t need to tell us capitalism has big problems, capitalism does a great job of that all on it’s own. Wait till Wall St and The Banks rip us all off again, as they do every 20 years or so. If people can’t understand that, no message from Hollywood is ever going to reach them.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    It’s like poetry … it assassinates.

  • Stupid Wizard

    YES IT DOES!

  • doc

    Says the guy with the attention span of an Ape.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    Fuck-Bot 5000? “Whipping out one’s lightsaber” suddenly got a new meaning.

    No one’s ever made that joke before.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I honestly thought he was called Fuck-Bot “SOOO” when I first saw him because the 5 on his chest looked like an S.

    His ‘5’ stands for dope.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Because that’s relevant.

  • omitted

    “Oh dang, it must be my birthday, ’cause I found some white boys”

  • http://www.plasticpals.com/ Robotbling

    Actually you’ll find chimpanzees have a surprisingly good attention span. They can watch and memorize numbers flashing on a screen better than humans.

  • doc

    While throwing poop at each other, now that’s impressive.

  • http://www.plasticpals.com/ Robotbling

    You’ll find the line from Lord of the Rings is something of a tribute to Macbeth (along with the walking tree Ents), one of the witches tricks Macbeth into thinking he is invincible by telling him “no man born of a woman will ever defeat you”. He ends up being killed by a man who was delivered by caesarian section.

  • Percy Gryce

    Both. I just hadn’t gotten around to claiming credit for them. Again.

  • Percy Gryce

    *chiars

  • Percy Gryce

    I was going to say, don’t take business advice from Lightning Fast, but then I just looked at Patreon again and they’re at $94,770 p.a. So maybe you should imitate them exactly in all things.

  • http://www.plasticpals.com/ Robotbling

    I wouldn’t say it’s 100x more realistic. They’re both equally bad in their own ways.

  • Mark Bisone

    To modify Churchill: Capitalism is indeed the worst economic system in the world, except for all the other ones.

  • Percy Gryce
  • Thanatos2k

    That’s white, not green.

  • Thanatos2k

    Right after Plinkett’s pick up truck explodes in the parking lot outside?

  • Thanatos2k

    We waste it by throwing it in the toilet. They at least put it to good use.

  • Thanatos2k

    And he thinks he keeps getting away with it but they all know he’s doing it, but they can’t break the illusion because they’re contractually obligated not to?

  • Palpatine

    Quick, someone make a remix video with the chorus from SOS and Rich Evans stammering!

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Especially if it involves at least one of my fingers…and her poophole…

  • Like Icare

    Atlas Shrugged?

    Which is on the verge of finally becoming a trilogy.
    Despite the audience, the critics, its own philosophy…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59U5DQNL9-s

  • Palpatine

    I love that one. My favorite part is when Busta saves the day and beats up Sauron and says; “Treak or Treat, motherfucka!”

  • Like Icare

    Once you go chable… chairs get unstable.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Disagree. If the film were making the message that peace was possible but difficult once all the roadblocks had been removed “Old guy”, “walking dead guy”, “Koba” we’d have Caesar talking with the nice man about how nice it was that since they got rid of the bad eggs they could get back to trying to find a way to get along. But he doesn’t hegrown up and he realizes that lifes fucked up. The nice guy even tries to make the arguement, “if you guys run away you can have our perfect society again right?” Caesar knows better. War and conflict over-coming the weaker built into the very core of every living organism on earth. Now there may be a time when we are able to best this need but it’s going to take a hell of a lot more than just a balancing act.

  • Like Icare

    Wasn’t that shields?

    http://spartaneducation.ytmnd.com/

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Also while we’re removing characters lets remove the nice man and now the movie’s just about an Old-man gathering up every weapon he can put his hands on and marching into a hippy commune and massacring everyone within.

  • Jason Ross

    Listen here you shaved ape

  • Tim Brawn

    I saw parallels between Koda’s actions and the rise of Nazi Germany and Communist Russia…the least subtle was the fire, reminded me of the burning of the Reichstag

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Laura Linny was in Congo, there’s your Ape connection!

  • Alex Lee

    These are some rich assholes, to bankroll a series of movies that no one wants to watch and get no profit out of.

  • Epifanes

    Jeezuz, you really live up to your handle. Now end with a Camus quote.

  • Stupid Wizard

    Transformers Age of Snoozing earned worldwide on it’s opening weekend earned 100 Million, then it earned 37 million which is a 63% drop, then it earned the last week as DOTPOTA it earned 16 million which is a 56% drop. I think that this movie just killed anyone’s interests in watching that piece of fucking shit.

  • Epifanes

    It was his day job that inspired him to write Divina Commedia.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd
  • Epifanes

    There ought to be a fucking law. Something like “thou shall not remake Gilliam”.

  • andypants1989

    Well I think that’s a very immature and myopic reading of it to be honest

  • andypants1989

    Her? Seems to have been saying that increasing invasive personal technology is awesome and even better than having a relationship with a real human-being. The whole thing was practically an apple advertisement.

    Honestly it’s hard for films to be pro-anything. Films are usually anti-something. It’s easier to depict something that doesn’t work than something that does and it makes for better drama.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    I’m not usually bothered by a brand maintaining it’s integrity, but this is Terry Fucking Gilliam. *sigh*. Fuck Hollywood. It appears as though they’ve stripped it of its ambiguity, its atmosphere, its investment in good story telling and Jeffrey Goines (which is probably just as well). Why would anyone watch this shit?

  • andypants1989

    I hear Tranformers 4 has some exciting splosions in it. Maybe you should have seen that instead of a movie that wastes time on boring things like dialogue and storyline.

  • Palpatine

    You took the words right out of my old wrinkled mouth.

  • Captain Turbo

    This is gonna be great…

  • Captain Turbo

    Or 12 Monkeys Part 2: The Monkeying

  • Alex Lee

    And when it’s pro anything, it’s called propoganda.

  • Palpatine

    Kim Jong il was such a good friend of mine and a valued member of the Dictator’s Club.

  • darkfall13

    Yup women aren’t humans last I checked, thanks for verifying.

  • darkfall13

    Considering they didin’t shoe-horn an anti-gun message in the movie but they did anti-gun the crap out of it in an interview tells me this movie is a shoe-horned anti-gun message.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Says the guy who used the word “douchbags” in his description of the plot…

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd
  • andypants1989

    Do you really care about this argument or is this an example of the conflict ‘built into the core of every living organism on earth’?

    Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you’re always getting into conflict with people because you’re just an asshole. I suppose not, people like you never do come to that realisation do they?

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    “people like me”? I thought we were having a simple discussion, no reason to demonize one another. And yeah of course I care about my argument and my opinion about the movie but not enough to ruin anyone’s fucking day about it. I’m happy to continue the “conflict” if you’ll just relax a little bit, they’re just ideas bro, this reflects very little on you and I as people.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    What’s with the one guy carrying a purse? And black vinyl? CLASH ALERT! HELLL-O!

  • Percy Gryce

    Somebody should do this with Jack’s face. It would be much more appropriate.

    (I’ll send 50 space bucks to the first Plinkette to tell me why.)

  • Jeremy Davis

    I would watch that movie

  • Percy Gryce

    I’m watching ROTPOTA too. I saw the ending on HBO but not the rest.

    I’m also not offended by the Tim Burton reimagining either. It has nothing to do with the original idea–that something goes wrong on Earth that leads to Ape Civilization–but I kind of liked the explanation for the planet with intelligent apes (if I remember correctly, it was a kind of space ark/science ship with animal experiments that crashed on another planet). The ending served both as a classic surprise and also as an attempt to tie the story back into the original POTA idea.

  • Noah Roalson
  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    The ‘5’ starts with a 5, you dope.

  • Mark Bisone

    Look, he’s just another noble commie trying to immanentize a non-gender-specific eschaton. Stop mansplaining, you yankee imperialist dog!

  • Noah Roalson

    Capitalism in theory, and as it was in its early stages is a great system. The Capitalism we have today, a system that big businesses and government take advantage of, is shit.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    They really are the only truly free people on earth aren’t they?

  • Mark Bisone

    It’s not even recognizable as “capitalism”. It’s straight-up cronyism, with a rent-seeking political class that forces private businesses to operate like cartels through via a regimen of bribes and threats. But most of these internet quacks would rather address the symptoms than the disease.

    It puts me in mind of the Great RLM Freetard Uprising of 2011. So many bleeding hearts bled dry on that day, and then went right back to surfing Japanese pornos.

  • Xor

    How does he know that? Maybe he just take a small sniff?

  • Xor

    What?

  • Xor

    What is it with Ricks?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Disk us*

  • Alex

    Now That’s how you pitch a movie.

  • Xor

    They should re-cast Bruce Willis and CGI him so that it looks like he gives a shit.

  • CorbeauNoir

    I’d be really interested in seeing the original comic. I’m a big fan of B-Ds but unfortunately I don’t read nearly as many as I’d like since they’re so difficult to reliably find/expensive outside of France.

  • VEF

    What’s better than capitalism? Socialism?

  • Alex Lee

    “Fuck you” also applies to the original DMC games. They take a goofy, over-the-top smart ass and turn him into boring jerk.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    If only there were an economic philosophy as innate and decent as Japanese porn…

  • Stupid Wizard
  • Stupid Wizard

    Wrinkled? I thought you were electrocuted or some shit

  • Stupid Wizard

    It’s all just a dream

  • Jason Ross

    Rediculus. It is a Poseidon Adventure thread until I say otherwise.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Unfortunately I’ve got bad news [in-depth analysis on the way]…

    It grossed $100.0 million domestically on its opening weekend, not worldwide. The worldwide opening weekend was $302.1 million. To put those numbers into perspective, its domestic opening weekend is good enough for 27th place of all-time, its worldwide opening was good enough for 13th all-time, and its overseas/foreign opening was good enough for 8th all-time.

    As shitty as the movie probably is, it will become one of the few films to pass the $1 billion mark and could even get as high as $1.1 billion, that mark only being passed by 9 other films. In fact, it’s doing exceedingly well overseas and might even be able to finish 6th all-time on the foreign/overseas charts.

    Back to domestic, Godzilla, which many people would agree is a much better film even with its flaws, dropped harder than Trans4mers in its first two weekends, dropping 66.8% and 61.2% compared with the 63% and 56% you mentioned. While Trans4mers drops are a bit steep, they’re currently right in line with the drops of The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Godzilla, and X-Men: Days of Future Past [I thought Spidey was bad, but it's probably not Bay-bad].

    In fact, it’s so far holding better and has made a larger percentage of gross after opening weekend than Spidey, Godzilla, of X-Men [because of the summer weekdays]. It will be the lowest grossing Transformers film domestically for sure, having dropped a steep 30% from Transform3rs domestically, but it could be the highest grossing overseas and second highest grossing worldwide, being a major win for the studio, especially in China where its far out-pacing the domestic gross [it is already the highest ever grossing Chinese film, beating every other film within roughly 12 days of release]. Basically, the film is a smash hit worldwide even if the domestic grosses are lagging.

    This is the part where you sit there and realize that this film is doing gangbusters and you lose a considerable amount of hope for humanity’s taste in films. I am sorry that I used my knowledge of box office to bring you this harrowing and depressing news, but I feel the truth needs to be told. Knowledge is one of our weapons against the masses.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    “Great RLM Freetard Uprising of 2011″

    What happened? Did I miss something crazy?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Was this before or after they won the World Cup without letting a single goal in?

  • Mo Jo

    Maybe parts of it, yes. That’s the problem with ‘isms, it’s all or nothing and that’s why all these systems suck, capitalism included.

  • Mo Jo

    Like any system, it favors one side over another. Capitalism has done good things and bad but we stay locked in it cause of who it benefits.

  • Mo Jo

    Capitalism has always been cronyism and always will be. It’s run by us humans, so it will never be the fantasy the capitalism cheerleaders wish it would be. It’s not possible, to easy to game the system.

  • Mo Jo

    Good point

  • Mo Jo

    Another good point

  • Mo Jo

    Atlas Shrugged….. and then I did.

    I quote John Rogers
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged.
    One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession
    with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted,
    socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The
    other, of course, involves orcs.”

  • Mo Jo

    Yes, that might indeed be correct. However, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t evolve.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    “people like you”

    Hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa. You read a few of his comments and you’ve already summed him up as being a certain ‘type of person’?

    Oh, I just realized you were the same person who wrote this 2 months ago in reply to me. This was after I called you out about being wrong about a main character’s death in Godzilla and it being vague [when the death happened on screen and was very explicit]. All starting to make sense now. I guess you’re still very touchy.

    http://redlettermedia.com/half-in-the-bag-godzilla-98-and-godzilla-2014/#comment-1403226595

    “Also I really don’t appreciate your fucking interrogatory tone. I was sharing my personal opinion in the hopes it might help people make a decision about whether they wanted to see a fun blockbuster action movie or not. I’m sorry you took it so personally and got so angry about it. Chill the fuck out man. It’s just a fucking movie, you didn’t make it. It’s not your mother. Jesus christ, you must be a really unpleasant person to be around in real life.”

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Are you saying I’m a monkey?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I spotted your contribution. ;)

  • Palpatine

    No, that’s what my face really looked like from being all evil and stuff. I used the dark side to make me look good looking, but then Samuel L. Jackson melted my mask off. Or maybe my lightning melted my face, I really don’t know. Take it up with the idiot wrote the Prequels.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Can I get that 50 space bucks before I guess?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    You bleed out of your anus too?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    That reminds me of Mike’s little bit about future pants. “I guess everyone has future pants. The one’s they’ll wear tomorrow and the day after that.”

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    He keeps his Batman voice, too.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I was trying to make a ‘shrugged’ joke work but you beat me to it.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    *Ahem.*

    Feminism.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    You spelled Poseidon correctly but fucked up ‘ridiculous’.

    I am amused.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Wait, GREEN MIST?!

    Oh my gaaaawwwwd!

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    okay nobody laugh…i just got that joke.

  • Palpatine

    Lock your doors and windows, HE is coming.

  • Palpatine

    Lock your doors and windows. HE is coming.

  • Markham
  • Jean-François Martel

    I guess you could if you want to risk losing your job (yelly customers can be vindictive little shits).

  • Joe Syxpac

    Exactly. It would ruin the show.

  • Stupid Wizard
  • Joe Syxpac

    I prefer Machoism.

  • Mark Bisone

    Personally, I think we should evolve towards Venezuela’s Bolivarian model. Leaves and newspaper are a bargain compared to toilet paper, and consistent power grids are for fucking sissies.

    http://www.stumptuous.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/pray_for_mojo.png

  • Joe Syxpac

    The power of positive persuasion. The Dark Side’s greatest weapon.

  • Sean Gall

    Zing, If Im the biggest “A” hole on the site (a site of which I only recently started commenting on) Id hate to have to tell you what you are.

  • Joe Syxpac

    A monkey riding a horse and shooting machine guns.

    The best way to showcase how evil guns are is to make them look AWESOME!!!!

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    You know, I used to believe a lot of thought and consideration went into making the prequels with a real close eye towards filling a functioning world with an interesting and coherent story. All while paying homage to the originals and taking special care to ensure continuity and interesting, believable character arcs…after reading your post though…I don’t know what to think…

  • Palpatine

    Exactly. Going out character for a moment, Episode III doesn’t tell us why Palpy’s face is the way it is. Did he get deformed from the lightning, or did it show his true form? Who knows.

  • HE1NZ

    Koba is a nickname of Stalin.

  • Michael Collins

    This comment section reminds about something if Shakespeare’s monkey or 5 or 6 regulars made a million comments or something?
    Complete works…is it?

  • Bacchus

    Great Plinkett bit, cheered me up. I do feel a bit used and dirty after hearing his Night Court ritual. But then I always feel like that. Maybe reading the comments section will cleanse me.

  • Guest

    The beatings will continue until morale improves…

  • son of pluto

    Fatality

  • Red Rowz

    When this started, I thought “Is this a reboot?”… Not Planet of the Apes, HB!

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    Anyone home……..?

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    Wrong Rick. Lay off the boose Qui-Gon Jin.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    That’s the benefit of having your own business :D

    Yelly customers are fine, but when they start cursing or threatening and cursing, then it’s a major bummer.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    There was gas in Blankman?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Jinny*

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    That actually makes me sad and don’t worry, we wont shoot the messenger. The bullet is saved for someone else.

  • Alex

    That shot with the house on the cliff reminded me so much of Guesthouse Paradiso. I don’t think it was their intention, so I’ll give the shout-out to Rik Mayall.
    RIP, mate.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    I dunno, day is kinda insufferable isn’t it? I mean, I dunno. Did it do anything that dawn hadn’t already and better?
    Perhaps its just a question of perspective stacked next to Night and Dawn lots of good movies suck so I dunno.

    I saw bits and pieces (honk) of night when I was about 8 switching between channels that scene with the little girl eating her parents in the basement? Yeah, scarred for life. Saw it again a few years back, didn’t have nearly the same impact but it’s still a terrific movie and an cultural ground-breaker (obviously).

  • Now I Get It
  • Like Icare

    It gets better.

    The movie that “tells the story of real heroes amongst men and their entirely unique and inspiring battle for independence and freedom” was partially funded by asking for contributions from the fans.

    https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/atlasshrugged/atlas-shrugged-movie-who-is-john-galt

    Very independent and self-sufficient there.
    Also, considering how the first two movies fared, it isn’t a very “rational” investment by the fans.

    And isn’t it almost as if the movie was financed from each according to their ability, to satisfy their personal need for the final movie in the trilogy?

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Do you suppose the bear is on its knees or is that just how petyr dinklage got his start?

  • Jigsaw

    They aren’t monkeys! They are apes (it says so in the title!). Monkeys have tails, apes (chimpanzees, orangutangs, gorillas etc.) don’t!

  • Epifanes

    Soon the day will come when they’ll remake Brazil but make it cheerful and life affirming. With a happy ending. And puppies.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    The ending *was* cheerful and life affirming.

  • Palpatine

    Dick Evans either was tall for a kid, or he’s standing on a chair. Then again there’s what you said about the bear kneeling or being short. Either way, the picture can scare little kids more than I can.

  • Palpatine

    Meesa take-a dump-a in me pants-a. Blblblblblblblblblbl!

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd
  • Hank_Henshaw

    Don’t you mean William Shakesman?

  • Jason Ross

    Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is too verbose, and does not reach the 20-35 suburban demographic for this franchise

    I’d settle for

    Bruisin G-Unit Killaz on the Loose

    Seems to be more in tune with the poster

  • Percy Gryce

    No. And since no one wants to play my game, I’ll just give the answer:

    Jack is said to look like musician Richard Melville Hall, aka Moby.

    Moby is a collector of globes and orreries.

    http://www.moby.com/journal/2013-02-06/my-strange-obsession-weird-old-globes.html#.U8vyiCiiuM8

    Q.E.D.

  • Fuck Me I’m January

    The tv stand is facing the wrong way you hacks. The damaged end should be facing the cabinet that broke it. Also why is there “sunlight” coming the whole with the pipe but it looks like nighttime out the window?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    You’re speaking of the Infinite Monkey Theorem. Allow me to geek out for a moment. :)

    From the Wikipedia article [if people have problems with Wikipedia then I guess you also have problems with the Encyclopedia Britannica; also, they can check the references/citations/links to make sure themselves], even typing the word ‘banana’ a random sequence of 6 keystrokes has a probability of about 1 out of 15.6 BILLION.

    “The relevance of the theorem is questionable—the probability of a universe full of monkeys typing a complete work such as Shakespeare’s Hamlet is so tiny that the chance of it occurring during a period of time hundreds of thousands of orders of magnitude longer than the age of the universe is extremely low (but technically not zero).”

    It gets crazier from there. If anyone out there cares about this crap, this might interest you [like it interests me]. I’d summarize it, but I don’t feel I’d do it proper justice, so I’ll just quote the cool bits. This is also for anyone who thinks a crap-load of monkeys could write Shakesman; they’re wrong, very, very wrong, unless the number of monkeys is unfathomably huge [ unless it's Caesar writing, then, well, it wouldn't be a monkey and it wouldn't be random ;) ].

    “If there were as many monkeys as there are atoms in theobservable universe typing extremely fast for trillions of times the life of the universe, the probability of the monkeys replicating even a single page of Shakespeare is unfathomably minute.

    Ignoring punctuation, spacing, and capitalization, a monkey typing letters uniformly at random has a chance of one in 26 of correctly typing the first letter of Hamlet. It has a chance of one in 676 (26 × 26) of typing the first two letters. Because the probability shrinks exponentially, at 20 letters it already has only a chance of one in 26^20 = 19,928,148,895,209,409,152,340,197,376 (almost 2 × 1028). In the case of the entire text of Hamlet, the probabilities are so vanishingly small they can barely be conceived in human terms. The text of Hamlet contains approximately 130,000 letters. Thus there is a probability of one in 3.4 × 10^183,946 to get the text right at the first trial. The average number of letters that needs to be typed until the text appears is also 3.4 × 10^183,946, or including punctuation, 4.4 × 10^360,783.

    Even if every proton in the observable universe were a monkey with a typewriter, typing from the Big Bang until the end of the universe (when protons no longer exist), they would still need a ridiculously longer time – more than three hundred and sixty thousand orders of magnitude longer – to have even a 1 in 10^500 chance of success. To put it another way, for a one in a trillion chance of success, there would need to be 10^360,641 universes made of atomic monkeys. As Kittel and Kroemer put it, “The probability of Hamlet is therefore zero in any operational sense of an event…”, and the statement that the monkeys must eventually succeed “gives a misleading conclusion about very, very large numbers.” This is from their textbook on thermodynamics, the field whose statistical foundations motivated the first known expositions of typing monkeys.

    In fact there is less than a one in a trillion chance of success that such a universe made of monkeys could type any particular document a mere 79 characters long.”

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    The exterior shot of the house on the cliff was daylight as well.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Palpy 2: Electric Boogaloo

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I prefer Nachoism.

    Goes well with my name.

  • Fuck Me I’m January

    This is environmentally friendly dioxicin

  • Fuck Me I’m January

    FUCK BOT
    SOOO

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Caesar-Man, Caesar-Man,
    Does whatever a Caesar can,
    Becomes a ruler, then he dies,
    Just like that Roman guy,
    Look out!
    Here comes Koba’s plan!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    you took the swords* right out of my mouth

    Get it, because they’re using swords. Laser swords. I like thwords.

  • Fuck Me I’m January

    Tacoism

  • Palpatine

    Even though over though I’m over 100 years old, I can still kick ass with my red laser sword. You know I’m a bad guy when I have a red laser sword.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I don’t recall what the Japanese trashcans looked like at the airport I was at, but I do remember they followed me around and then sneakily scooped the garbage out of my bag for me.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I watched RotPotA [it's more fun when you pronounce it phonetically ... ROT-POTA!] right before sees DOT-POTA in theatres. Good times were had by all involved. The films felt like they had a vision, much less like films made by studio committees.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I was quite bored with The Host, yet I did watch it in my mid-teens and was just confused by it as I think I had different expectations. May re-watch it sometimes in the future now that I’ve actually been to South Korea. In fact, I think I took a bike ride along the river past the bridge they filmed the first attack at when the monster takes the girl [not a spoiler since it's in the advertising and the poster].

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    That’s common knowledge. I’m angry at myself for not being able to connect the two.

    With that said, I guess everyone needs a hobby when they’re battling AIDS.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I need to buy that URL before someone else does.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    Transformers: Age of Stinksion making considerably less money inside the U.S. is a good sign. It hopefully means the next one makes even less, and the rest of the world catches up in realizing how stupid these movies are. It will get to the point where spending 210 million in Transformers wont make sense for the studio.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I thought you were kidding, but I looked into it and it seems you were actually adulting.

  • Fuck Me I’m January

    I’d buy that for a $

    (compulsive RLM refernece *twitch*)

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I’d like to thank all involved with this triumph of humanity [well, at least of RLM fans]. We did it! We mathed so hard! The pattern is complete.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Nono. If I remember right, Rich Evans said as part of that little stretch “What about Blankman? Was there gas in Blankman?” And Mike and Jay laughed along with him in the Amazing Spiderman HiTB. I was doing, like, a thing.

  • Fuck Me I’m January

    Pardon?

  • Stupid Wizard
  • Alex Lee

    Err, no. All it means is that the market will shift towards the Asian market. Now, I don’t think it’ll be the death of cinema because it’s really just changing into something else. Unfortunately, it’s into something that lacks humanity or logic. Movie theaters will become sound and picture boxes where you can beat the heat for two hours in an air-conditioned place. Essentially indoor circuses with editing.

    I think the 17th century nobility might have had the right idea in catering to a select few. At least classical literature consisted of spectacle, story, and characters instead of just spectacle.

  • Stupid Wizard

    I’m not a hole, I know that already. Don’t state the obvious, it makes you more of an asshole

  • omitted

    This is the reason you are the top top commenter here

  • Alex Lee

    It would certainly take care of the ape problem.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Quality of my posts of the quantity of them?

    Please, omitted, reply,
    I need to know if I should smile or cry.

  • Stupid Wizard

    What else does the Summer Movie Season have in store? Well, we have a film that critics love called Guardians of The Galaxy but fuck that this year we have three Michael Bay produced movies! Transformers 4 which will put you to sleep, The Purge Anarchy which is a sequel to the most generic film ever and it has one of the Nazi bad guys from Captain America 2. And finally we have Children Rape also known as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Do you like Ninjas Turtles from the 80’s, 90’s, and the 2000’s with the only good 4Kids Show? Well, fuck you, you’re not getting any of that!! Shredder is not white but he’s not asian and he’s more like Iron Man than a fucking ninja, the turtles are making references to things that could lead to potential copyright infringement with Batman references, and the biggest insult to your childhood, Megan Fox.

    Thanks, Michael Bay, I hope some one shoves a club up your ass!

  • WrongWithYourFace

    Take notes, everyone. This is how you get most comments on RLM.

  • mikeohare

    Do you pretentious hacks feel like fools for treating the planet of the apes as if it were a smart movie? I recall three years ago you guys getting all uppidy about rise reminding everyone that any praise you gave the movie was in context of summer movies alone, and Rise was not to be mistaken as an actual good movie.

    Seriously though, anyone who loved this movie should check out “Battle for the planet of the apes” 1973, the ultra low budget planet of the apes sequel that this movie is sort of a reimagining of. Times sure have changed.

  • mikeohare

    For the better, in this case.

  • omitted

    Both

  • Fuck Me I’m January

    Chairs. How do they work?

  • Mark Bisone

    Every system is a fantasy system, except for GURPS and possibly Cthulhu Live. But cronyism and rent-seeking doesn’t have anything to do with a specific economic system. Commies have business cronies, too; its just they slap badges on them and call them “The People’s Minister of Revolutionary Such-and-So”. Cronyism is a political plague; cronies only become cronies when politicians are amply empowered to sell them goodies in exchange for helping them enshrine and expand their own power (campaign cash, vote buys, goon squads, etc).

    Powerful governments in “capitalist” economies can use their lawmaking and enforcement powers to rig market advantages for compliant cronies, lend them fiat money, price out potential upstart competitors, bail their asses out when they flop and pimp slap them with onerous regs and unfavorable bills if they don’t keep the campaign chest stocked with loot. No business wants to fork over their money to toothless politician who has little in the way of favors to sell them.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7S6vk9K2Cwo

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Practice makes virgin.

    I mean perfect.

  • Noah Roalson

    I’m sure Mr. Plinkett will loan you a Fleshlight if you are feeling a bit feisty xD

  • Stupid Wizard

    But, JudgeDredd, you’re eating Chunky’s Chicken. Isn’t that already a slow form of suicide?

  • My ex wife

    All of that is true, but it’s called the Infinite Monkey Theorem. So isn’t trying to assign a probability to the likelihood of monkeys typing Shakesman, missing the point somewhat? Is it not the case that in an infinite amount of monkeys in an infinite universe, anything, no matter how improbable will happen. Not only that, but it would happen an infinite amount of times. Even very, very large numbers are tiny compaired to infinity, or something.

  • My ex wife

    It’s this kind of comment that makes me spell check almost every word.

    I am paranoid.

  • Baramos x

    You could almost say these apes went completely…batshit.

  • Baramos x

    I hope someone was fired for that blunder.

  • Baramos x

    Gorillaz in the Midst of the Planet of the Apes?

  • Baramos x

    The worldwide numbers are ridiculous. Like 700 million.

    So unfortunately there will be a Trans5mers. The Asian markets are becoming increasingly more important in deciding a film’s financial success (whereas DVD and Blu-ray sales have gone down in importance, so the long-term quality of the film isn’t as important as the opening weekend numbers–you can release a piece of crap as long as it gets enough people in the seats the first couple of weeks).

  • My ex wife

    You know, it’s never going to beat Titanic. Nobody can.

  • My ex wife

    Wait for the sign, then all prisoners will be released!

  • Stupid Wizard
  • My ex wife

    whhhhhhyyyyyyyyyy………………

  • Michael Collins

    Wow, that post was almost a Shakespearean tl:dr, a bloomin tragedy when you consider all the Ctrl/c’s it must have taken..

    So, did James Franco get dropped from this one for spanking the monkey?

  • My ex wife

    I wonder what mentat generated imagery would look like.

    It is by will alone i set my mind in motion.

  • Percy Gryce

    Mike said that he wasn’t very interested in the subject matter of DOTPOTA. Maybe if the chimp had been possessed by a demon, he would have been a little more enthusiastic.

    Bell, Book, and Candle for Bonzo: The Last Apes-orcism . . . based on true events.
    .

  • Captain Turbo

    Looks like my prom date…

  • Percy Gryce

    Or maybe when posting on RLM, the correct orthography is “rediculus.” Didn’t think of that, did ya?

  • Percy Gryce

    Feminism is best when it sucks.
    .

  • Percy Gryce

    You got to go to your prom?

  • Captain Turbo

    And yet if you get a handful of monkeys together, they can run a movie studio. Go figure…

  • Captain Turbo

    It’s like some bizarre version of Poltergeist. He’s heeeere…

  • Stupid Wizard

    You didn’t?

  • Fuck Me I’m January

    If blood isn’t shed I’m unsubscribing.

  • mikeohare

    Yeah, one that can take the original star trek seriously, should be open to the original planet of the apes, I think it still holds up really well for a science fiction movie almost fifty years old. The sequels are schlock though

  • Percy Gryce

    I’m commenting on this board on the weekend. What do you think?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I thought Rediculus meant he was casting a Harry Potter spell.

  • Mark Bisone

    Maybe it was 2012. One of those years that ends with a number.

  • ModernDayMinstrel

    Looks like Len has a new film to direct!

  • Mark Bisone

    A better question is, how will you get laid?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I’ve already been laid by my mother. ;)

    Get it? Because I’m actually a bird and I hatched from a laid egg?

    Go out and see Birdman in theatres, coming out October 17th nationwide!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    ‘Spank the Monkey’ is my favourite Peter Gabriel song.

    Also, that’s Shakesmanian*, since his name is Shakesman.

  • Thanatos2k

    Now do fibonacci.

  • Like Icare

    Infinity doesn’t matter.
    It only seems to matter because it’s OMG! INFINITY and eventually all possible combinations lalalalala…

    But actually, it’s saying that given infinity of attempts 1+1 will turn out to be greater than 2+2.
    Then it will be greater than 3+3.
    Then 4+4… etc.

    Cause that’s basically what should be happening.
    A single monkey with a typewriter and infinite time has to keep beating ever greater odds with each new letter it types, its chance for error ever increasing while its chance to get the next letter right ever decreasing.

    And as the chance of hitting the right letter decreases exponentially – it keeps hitting zero chance to get it right much (MUCH) sooner than it takes to reach infinite number of attempts. At which point it has to start again from the beginning.
    And you don’t even need zero chance, like MTN said above, for mere 2 letters it’s 1:676.

    Or, to put it in another way…

    1st letter – 1 monkey, has to hit 1 right letter out of 26, on 1 typewriter.
    2nd letter – 1 monkey, has to hit 1 right letter out of 26 – but now there are 26 typewriters and the letter must be typed on the exact same typewriter like the last one. After randomly choosing a typewriter.
    3rd letter – 1 monkey, 1 letter out of 26, but with 676 typewriters.
    4th letter – 17576 typewriters…

    1:676 means that the monkey has a chance of 0.00147% to type 2 letters.
    1:17576 – it’s 0.000056% chance to type 3 letters.
    1:456976 – it’s 0.0000021% chance to type 4 letters…

    And as soon as it hits a wrong key, it’s back to 1 monkey, 1 typewriter, 26 letters.

    And the same rules apply with infinite monkeys.
    They still have to beat ever increasing odds with each letter, getting much closer to 0% chance much sooner than reaching infinity.
    They are basically trying to count to infinity while only being able to count to 3. And that’s being VERY generous.

    Now… if your goal is simply to have infinite number of monkeys typing up complete works of Shakespeare that CAN be done.
    Just have your infinite number of monkeys type a single letter on a single typewriter and then find the sequence of monkeys whose output matches the complete works of Shakespeare typed 1 character per page.

    Buuuut… that’s not monkeys typing for an eternity. That’s infinite monkeys typing a single character.

    And since you’re assigning the sequence AFTER THE FACT, so it matches the result you’re aiming for, it’s also a Texas sharpshooter fallacy.
    You could just as well just type it yourself, one letter at a time, while comparing your output to complete works of Shakespeare – i.e. by copying it.

  • Captain Turbo

    I got to go near my prom.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd
  • Thanatos2k

    The Asians don’t know any better, they’ll watch anything. They’ve been deprived good movies for so long they don’t even know what one is.

  • Thanatos2k

    You’d buy that for a dollar sign….?

  • Like Icare

    A simpler way to explain it (cause people don’t really GET numbers beyond 5 or so) is to point out that the number of correct letters resets to zero every time the monkey hits a wrong key.

    Then just compare the probabilities of hitting the right key (1 in 26) to hitting the wrong key (25 to 1) and thus having to start all over again – and ask which is greater.
    By the third letter it should be glaringly obvious.

    Also, it helps to replace the monkey and the typewriter with something that does not appear to have intelligence and intent.

    Like a monkey with a bag of marbles with letters on them.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    0.00147%
    0.000056%.
    0.0000021%

    Numbers are right if you remove the percent sign. You forgot to multiply by 100 to get the percentages. :P Other than that, you get it.

    My point was that the numbers get staggeringly large even after seemingly few characters need to be typed correctly. I like this sort of stuff and so I jumped at the opportunity to talk about it on here.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd
  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I left out the part where it explains that the ‘monkey’ is just a colourful metaphor for some device that could spit out a random [i.e. independently random] series of characters. I think I’ll go back and add that in.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    So I live in Bangkok, I went to the theaters like 3 weeks ago I am not even shitting you, 12 screens 12 fucking screens all playing “rock-‘em sock-‘em robots” I was fucking beside myself.

  • Like Icare

    Yeah… I know. It’s 4 AM here. (Nope… Almost 5 AM)
    I was paying to much attention to the number of zeroes, the fact that it’s 1 and not 100 completely slipped my mind. :P

    But like I said above… showing how big the numbers get doesn’t really work.
    There’s no point of reference for most people.

    But almost everyone will get it right away when you compare the chances of getting the right letter twice in a row with chances of getting the wrong letter.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    It’s called the Infinite Monkey Theorem because it was a monkey typing on a typewriter for an infinitely long amount of time. I assume they were merely trying to figure out what sorts of timescales would be needed for different lengths of text that needed to be right. The numbers become ridiculously large even when the number of characters is rather small. They went further and tried to put those numbers into perspective by making the numbers of monkeys very large and the numbers of keys typed per second very large, but they’re so grand they fail to really give an idea as to how ridiculously titanic they are.

    They’re simply trying to put the numbers into context to show just how remote these possibilities are in the context of the observable universe. Saying that it will reach it given an infinite amount of time/attempts doesn’t tell them much. Anyway, I thought it was something neat to Disqus discuss.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash
  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I am not worthy.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    That means you have internet access.

    Not sure what else to take away from this riddle.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Well, what took place in this event?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I got all excited and check for reviews for Guardians of the Galaxy, but found none.

    I can’t wait until Mike and Jay review that one. It looks weird and funny, but someone seems to be working. It’s like it’s embracing it’s zaniness and loving it. Their review should be entertaining.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I god damn love that clip.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Well, aren’t many of them suddenly getting access to something they hardly, if ever, experienced before?

    Also, I would argue that big, dumb, spectacle films lose less in translation than other films might.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    I was pissed I walked out…it was that or see “Hulk gets a record contract for Sabe…” or whaever the fuck

  • jason

    Loooooooooooooove!

  • Palpatine

    I never heard of Guardians of the Galaxy until recently, and from what I’ve seen, it looks good. Let’s just hope that Bradley Cooper as a talking raccoon doesn’t act like you know how from you know what.

  • jason

    I discovered Rich Evans’ exact double….and a dog with a puffy tail!

  • Stupid Wizard

    Well, I watch AMC Mailbag yesterday and the guy who hosts it gave his real quick thoughts because there is an embargo on reviews and said it everything the film promised, a fun, funny, sci fi adventure that ties in well with the Marvel movies.

  • Stupid Wizard

    I think that um…I think um….hey there’s my ride!*runs away quickly*

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Meesa hope not.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Awesome! I know very little about Guardians of the Galaxy and before the trailer I was rather indifferent about the whole thing. Now that I’ve seen the trailers, though, I’m rather excited.

  • Palpatine

    Hopefully it’ll make money seeing as how “Childhood Rape: the Movie”, and “Generic Disaster Movie” come out around the same time.

  • J from Raleigh

    Solid film. This might be in contention for one of the best handled reboots of a film series. Though, I do worry what the hell they are going to do once the apes take control. The dynamics of both these films rest heavily on both sides being unsure of what’s happening, so when one side has the upper hand it could go south.

    The main Hoooman didn’t do much for me. I’m glad it wasn’t Franco, but I felt no feelings for him one way or another. I just thought, he was the stand-in for the guy from the first film.

    Also.. if blowing up the base of the tower was such a big deal… it didn’t do a whole fuck of a lot other than trash up the place.

    Also, I was rather disappointed that there was very little Gorilla action. I paid to see a giant Gorilla smash shit.

    I didn’t think the apes looked that bad, to be honest.

    I did think of Land of The Dead because of the fencing and the towerish set-up. I also thought of the third Planet of the Ape film when the apes storm the capital city.

    That scene where the Camera is go pro’d on the tank turret was awesome.

  • Stupid Wizard

    Liar, you heard of it before. You’re still just pissed at Disney and you’ll pan it on your internet blog

  • Stupid Wizard

    That’s creepier than my resemblance to Adam Levine

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Agreed on all counts especially on the tank thing scene that really stuck out to me as being well done. The blowing up the tower thing was weird that they bothered to set that up just to not knock it down (honk)…weird too that they waited till the thrid act to even mention the thing existed (didn’t they?). Didn’t take away any of enjoyment of the film for me, just seemed odd from a literary standpoint…I mean I guess they had to have the Old-man threaten somthing to build tension and to show that the humans still had a hand in things but…it just kinda clunked didn’t it?
    I share your concerns about another sequel. I dont think a shitty third one would take much away from the joy I got of this one, but frankly (and yes I recognize the irony of saying this about a twice rebooted sequel of a franchise that spun countless sequels and a thudded tv series) I don’t know if they even need to do a sequel this fucker stands on its own.

  • J from Raleigh

    I’d like to keep going and finally see the Planet of the Apes, maybe have the humans start crawling back. Who knows. I just worry about them losing the dynamics that made these films work.

    Yeah, the humans were generally an afterthought, which works for me.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    What’s wrong with his face?

  • Fuck Me I’m January

    A true test to separate the hacks from the frauds

  • BYH

    I don’t get how the tank was able to break through the fortress. Koba jumped on it, tossed out the gunner and the driver, and then it magically steered itself into the fortress. Also, the Hero should not have survived all the C4 exploding. That was ridiculous. I also don’t know why the humans didn’t raise an alarm and move the armory inside the fort (where it should ave been in the first place) when they found the two dead guards earlier in the day. NO ONE came to check up on the two guys in the armory ALL DAY?

  • J from Raleigh

    Yeah. I had a passing thought that they would be found and the humans would know they were coming, but I forgot about it. Maybe they were just off shooting on their own and nobody bothered them. Didn’t think much about the tank. Maybe it was just stuck on go? haha idk. I guess if you can ride a horse and shoot an automatic weapon, you can drive a tank.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    all very good points, guess I neglected to think about that. All I can think to say is that a wizard did it…

  • Mo Jo

    Communism was just a system, like capitalism and all the other ‘ism’s. Both trying fix what’s broken in humans. Then we humans inevitably turn it to personal gain above much else. That’s why it must always change toward a better human kind, not a worse one. It’s all just systems undergoing change.

  • Mo Jo

    Why does it always have to be a single MODEL, that is just a lack of imagination. Even the Nazi started the rocket program and gave us the VW bug. Baby and bath water, you know.

  • Mo Jo

    Feminism is a needed one, at least for now but that will change, like everything else.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    Oh yeah now that you mention it I remember. I’ll rewatch that rightaway just because it’s summer and tomorrow does not matter.

    And sorry I ruined your thing…….. I must be piunished!

  • Stupid Wizard

    I wouldn’t say in terms of summer movies this is smart just in movies in general. This is movie has a smarter script than the first because you had Brian Cox and Draco playing clear cut douche bags in the first, in this film nothing is clear cut except for Koba but he’s given a great background so that gives an excuse for that character to be clear cut.

  • Mo Jo

    Yeah but mine was stolen from Mike/Plinkett “Obi wan get’s mad, then I do.” And a John Rogers quote. I’m a thief.

  • Stupid Wizard
  • Palpatine

    No, I said I’m just gonna pan the new Star Wars movies. And even the Guardians looks good, I will never forgive Disney for firing me! Those bastards will pay. You’ll see.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    Jar Jar, change my diper!

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    How’s life without you powers Palpy?

  • Palpatine

    I did regain some of my powers as seen in some of the videos made by the hack frauds of this site. How have you been you fat frog with down syndrome?

  • andypants1989

    A lot of people argue that Rand is actually the best argument against the pro-capitalist (actually anti-socialist and anti-government) ideals she’s meant to represent. One of her books literally has a character rape a woman and get away with it, because he was rich and therefore entitled to do so.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    There may be cat hair in it that may add a bit of friction.

  • Duckler

    882 comments behind.. I’m sure it was all worth it.

  • Duckler

    Did they talk about the obvious Frazetta horse..?!

  • Duckler

    When does Mike break the studio light again..? -OOOOH!-

  • dirk beefhammer

    When will these hack frauds be replaced by CGI monkeys?

  • Captain Turbo

    They have to finish paying off the Rich Evans animatronic first.

  • Hank

    Aw fuck, I thought this was the long awaited review for “Planet of the Grapes.”

    What the fuck am I gonna drink if I don’t know shit about my red wines, huh RLM?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Off to the Castle Anthrax with you, then.

  • Tommy Karlsson

    The tank was heading towards the gate when it arrived so it didn’t steer at all, just kept going the same direction.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Don’t be silly!

    They can’t be apes. Apes can’t talk.

    Or ride horses.

    Or shoot machine guns.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Nachocheeseism?

  • Joe Syxpac

    Batteries not included.

  • Joe Syxpac

    What’s the chance that one will cut and paste an article from Wikipedia?

  • Miguel Angel Teran

    it’s the very same thing you are doing mate.

  • Joe Syxpac

    You misspelled “paranoid”.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Hell, I’d buy it for an ampersand.

  • The Summer of George

    We close-out this trilogy with: Planet of the Rapes, filmed entirely on Uranus.

  • Fuck Me I’m January

    I can’t remember exactly but I think someone has made that comment on this site before. Be careful, that Taco guy might call you out on it.

  • Mark Bisone

    Freetards demanding an end to the capitalistic oppression of 30 second Blip ads. Let’s just say it was a “finishing event”, and it left behind plenty of well-worn donut holes.

  • Stef Sarch

    Patreon?

  • Admiral Robocop

    Your video keeps interrupting my date with Josh Duhamel.

  • Rootfish

    Planet of the rapes of grath.

  • Alex

    You’re right, it should’ve been night time.
    Ed Wood is probabbly spinning in his grave right now, you hack-frauds!

  • Real Quantum
  • atheistconservative

    A million times no. The situation we have now is not ‘capitalism’, it is ‘corporatism’. Big business and government are in bed together.

    I don’t think capitalism works 100% and I don’t think socialism works 100% (although I have greater faith in capitalism). But when people mischaracterize one or the other it just destroys meaningful conversation.

    No person who truly believes in capitalism thinks the situation we have right now is correct.

  • Pablumatic

    Oh hey its Harris Yulin. Better known to RLM fans as the judge in Ghostbusters II.

    It’ll be interesting to see Rich evolve into that character.

  • atheistconservative

    The fact that you got upvoted for this non-response just makes me sad.

    “No man can kill me” meant that no human could kill him. And as much fun as it is to argue about ‘breaking magical spells’ when discussing superintelligent CGI apes and Lord of the Rings, that’s not up for debate or even mystical: it was written when we were sane and could accept ‘man’ as the general pronoun. The glib inversion was just for glibness’ sake, and because people are stupid and will feel good any time you make them feel smart. Oh and yes because feminism.

    But even that didn’t bug me as much as “Ape not kill Ape”. Again, it’s not a matter of magic. It’s a code of conduct: man not kill man. So I can just say “you are no man” and shoot you in the face, all for a feel-good moment (because believe me that shit would feel good).

  • atheistconservative

    The ‘no man / I am no man’ line does not appear in Tolkien. It was added as a sop and a cheer line by the filmmakers.

  • atheistconservative

    You’re nagging me. So I’ll say: nagger, please. I posted reasons I disagree with their opinion. It’s called a discussion forum. Would you feel better if I repeated one of their catch phrases like the other mouth-breathers? PIZZA ROLL!

  • atheistconservative

    Perhaps. But could he not have said something intelligent to that effect, rather than use the simple inversion/cheer trope?

  • Real Quantum
  • Thom Stone

    when’s the next quick cuts?

  • Jason Ross

    He’s a bozo deluxe

  • Ogrot

    I fucking hate mystery endings!

    Stick to making documentaries about The Great Eugenics War you fat homos!

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Well first keep in mind, you’re talking about an ape. The fact that he’s able to say anything at all is a sign of intelligence. second, I thought that “Koba not ape” perfectly summed up what happens when humans combat one another and that is to dehumanize those they disagree with (again I could be imprinting here). I went in just as the Israel Palestine thing was kicking off again so this shit was fresh in my mind. And things seemed to match up fairly well. Lastly as much as the whole inversion thing might bug you there are countless examples throughout history of great minds using this Kennedy, Roosevelt, Lincoln when put in this perspective perhaps it doesnt seem quite so clunky?

  • Nick

    Who the hell is Josh Duhamel??

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/TwoAwfulGuys Liam Harrison

    Dude please, you’re blinding me with your righteousness.

  • Fuck Me I’m January

    Patron? Shots?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Ahh, yes. I do remember that, then.

    Also, in Canada we call those Timbits.

    http://trp.ca/photos/large/Timbits-003.jpg

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    42

  • Fuck Me I’m January

    Best I can do is 2 semicolons.

  • Aluminum Foil

    Dioxis, hold your breath!

  • JackgarPrime

    It seems like Land of the Dead gets a lot of talk on Half in the Bag. Clearly Land of the Dead is the inspiration for every movie in the universe.

  • Stupid Wizard
  • Guest

    Another Rich Evans clone sighting…

  • jason

    Another Rich Evans clone sighting…

  • ModernDayMinstrel

    And another!

  • Mark Bisone

    In America, we call them bitches. #culturalexchange

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I wonder if it’s best for someone who knows nothing of GotG to go in blind. I’ve been a big fan of the GotG comic series for some time and am worried that I’m either going to be super nitpicky about the story, or too blind by fandom to see its faults. I kinda wish now that I could just go in and enjoy the story instead of being so overly excited about it.

    There was a free IMAX screening for a small clip of the movie, and the big issues with a movie like this (5 new characters that no one’s ever heard of, and world-building) seem to be solid. We’ll see!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    He seems a bit cross in this one.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    “NO ONE CARES ABOUT FUCKING HALF IN THE BAG!”

    Them’s fightin’ words, except I’m Canadian, so … sorry for bothering you.

  • Ugh

    I got the reference, Kurt Cobain (if I recall correctly) scribbled down somewhere that Al was a “lyrical genius” and Al took it as this huge compliment and… shit, I’m…..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9qYF9DZPdw

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    XxSWFan92? This dude?

    http://redlettermedia.com/george-lucas-kills-star-wars/#comment-640281449

    And this dude?

    https://plus.google.com/116269736812940210070/posts

    I had to look him up because I didn’t get the joke … still don’t.

  • Stupid Wizard
  • Stupid Wizard

    Oh Palpy, did you see the ””””leaked”””” ””””plot”””” of Star Wars Episode VII. It’s gonna great

  • Greg G Gould

    Best first-few-minutes of Half in the Bag, ever.

  • Joe Syxpac

    I like those odds.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Too soon.

  • Sean Gall

    Whatever you say champ.

  • Sean Gall

    Do you even realize that what you said makes no sense in correlation with what I said. Im guessing not.
    Hey, here is an idea, why dont you go fuck yourself!!!

  • Kamil El Azzi

    Is it me or does Mike sound like he is not enthusiastic about this movie.

  • Palpatine

    A severed hand?! Maybe it’s the one Lord Vader cut off of Mace Windu in Episode III.

  • taxman10m

    The beginning movie made me think of Endor. RoJ would have been awesome with apes.

  • Captain Sheryl Crow

    youtube.com/watch?v=p0OVD0_YJnU

    Gorillaz and the boss dog, planet of the apes?

  • Now I Get It

    I’ve still got to go with a young Neal Gabler…and good luck finding that picture.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    I think it’s remarkable he wrote anything at all…

  • Otto: Autopilot

    Look at the beginning of the Indy Review, Mike changed it to “No one cares about half in the bag when the next Plinkett review”

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Mike’s not really enthusiastic about anything.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Why does Jesus have a forked beard?

  • Alex Lee

    Indeed. Midgets in ugly bear costumes was stupid.

  • taxman10m

    If that were the case my reaction to RoJ wouldn’t be “Wow, it’s surprising those teddy bear looking things are kicking the ass of storm troopers.” It would be, “Of course those ape things are kicking the ass of the storm troopers.”

  • Real Quantum

    My reaction to RoJ was “at least the other two were good”.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    ah the far less known but most caismatic of the Wilson brothers…”the some guy who wrote a book about wine or something but isnt completely grating and douche…or maybe he is but at least hes not owen or luke wilson” wilson brother.

  • Matt Brown

    I can’t post on NickC’s blog because he blocked me, so I
    had to find another one of your blog posts to respond.

    And for the ninth time, this kind of argument doesn’t
    support The Christ Myth Theory because the historical datum that Paul mentions
    is happening at the same time with the supernatural datum about Jesus. And this
    is not what mythicists want to argue. They want to argue that Paul, in fact,
    never talks about or has any interest in a historical Jesus, and that Paul’s
    Jesus was divine and then Mark all the way to John, Jesus is portrayed as being
    more human. However, this isn’t what the datum shows. There is too much in Paul’s
    epistles that defeat the mythicist case; especially when Paul himself is not
    even claiming that this information came from him but he himself claims to have
    inherited it. And in fact, he mentions two biblical figures that were relatives
    or closest to Jesus: Peter, Jesus’ Chief disciple and James, Jesus’ brother.

    Ehrman’s opinion on the matter in no way supports your
    case because it shows Jesus divinity and humanity. I don’t have to prove
    anything except that there is historical datum about Jesus. You’re setting up a
    non-historical standard by which you yourself don’t really understand.

    Read Acts 14 and you will see that the Gentiles that Paul
    and Barnabas were preaching to thought they were from the Pagan gods.

    Moses is disputed and you can’t compare the OT material
    about him to the NT material, when the latter is far more better attested and
    historically certain than the former. You’re skepticism is too extreme and is
    fueled by an anti-religious agenda.

    You cited one book based off one scholar. Scholars in
    general agree that the genre of the gospels are history not mythology. They are
    of the genre of greco-roman biographies. They are not of myth, folkolore, or legendary
    material like Plutarch’s Romulus. Myth is a genre of text. It’s called “fiction”.

    Historians don’t dismiss sources that contain mostly
    miracles if the sources have valuable core historical material like the NT.
    However, mythicits like yourself say to just deny everything we have and accept
    extremely implaussible and problematic ideas.

  • My ex wife

    I stand corrected. I should know better than to go near maths by now.

  • notenough

    Interesting thing about the villain is that Koba was a Joseph Stalin’s nickname. The more you know!

  • Patrick

    Awesome review. Went and saw it after watching this…it was o.k but I think RLM liked it more than I did. Main complaint: uninteresting human characters staring Blandy McBlandenbland.

    Also, it would be awesome if y’all did a Lego Movie review.

  • Thanatos2k

    If you just ignore all of the Endor parts the end of RoJ is great.

  • Thanatos2k

    Should have chosen Verizon then.

  • Guest

    My friend had to go take a piss; right before the scene where Koba betrays Caesar and wages war on the humans. A few seconds later he came back to see my hands buried in my scalp; “So, what happened?

  • fred

    The problem with the movie is that my eyes get dry from lack of blinking, since I can’t afford to not look at the screen for even a few milliseconds; and there’s not enough emotionally resonating moments to keep the tears coming, only ten to twelve.

  • Admiral Robocop

    Goddamn hack frauds only offer Patreon. What the hell is a Patreon?

  • Admiral Robocop

    I believe you mean ‘stairring Blandy McBlandenbland’. As in ‘he was the stair of the show.’

  • Real Quantum

    I agree, I was just exaggerating for the sake of a dumb joke.

    It was the first Star Wars movie I’ve seen, back in 1987, and it blew me away. I really bought into the tension of the throne room, amongst the rest of the awesomeness.

    But even then the ewoks were the weak link – they had the “kermit” effect Lucas feared Yoda could have.

    Later, I watched Star Wars – the effects looked dated, but great origin story – albeit I was confused by Vader taking orders from some guy and being ridiculed by others.

    Finally, I watched Empire: even then I thought it was, without a doubt, the best movie I’ve ever seen.

    I know you didn’t ask for my life story and sorry for the long text, but I felt the need to clarify that I wasn’t being serious.

    Thanks!

  • Stupid Wizard

    No, it’s Luke’s, and for some reason it’s space even though Cloud City is in the fucking clouds and not in the middle of space.

  • Stupid Wizard

    Man, you’re coming a pure asshole

  • Stupid Wizard

    “He had the power to get nailed to a cross”

  • Stupid Wizard

    I just watched it last night and boy was it a bad documentary worst one I’ve seen since the One Direction documentary

  • LelouchtheFilial

    Kill him Canadian Style.
    With kindness.
    ….

    …Yeah, Domo was right. I came back.

  • Stupid Wizard

    I found this on Know Your Meme and I go to this theater all the time

    http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/797/861/b65.png

  • InPrivate

    Why does everyone here think they’re smart and witty like Mike and Jay? Stop it, and just bitch about the review in these comments, m’kay!?

  • stryker1121

    The hypothetical negatives the guys are describing could all be ascribed to Avatar.

  • Percy Gryce

    There is only one thing in the world worse than being witty–and that is not being witty.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxXW6tfl2Y0

  • Now I Get It

    Not so of The Fountainhead. That character, Howard Roark, was working in a quarry at the time, and living in a boarding house, because he couldn’t break into architecture in New York.

    Roark was never rich in the novel; in fact, economics is immaterial in the story, as is politics. The novel’s subject is actually independence, and its theme – what it has to say about independence – is demonstated through the conflict of Roark’s creativity vs. Ellsworth Toohey’s nihilism.

    Their conflict is as artfully detailed as anything dramatised in “Mad Men”, HBO’s novelistic series that has the exact same theme. The main difference is that Don Draper is at war with himself, whereas Roark isn’t. Roark has no inner conflicts, whereas Draper is an alcoholic, which is the form that story’s nihilism takes, as opposed to Fountainhead, which gets it from Toohey’s string-pulling behind the scenes.

    Rand’s Fountainhead is one of the all-time great stories about what it means to be an artist, along with Pixar’s “Ratatouille”. They differ in that the food critic in “Ratatouille” relents in the end, whereas the cultural critic in Fountainhead persists. Toohey is the bug that survives the bomb.

    In both stories, however, the hero triumphs, which brings us back to your allegation that Roark raped Domique Francon, the daughter of one of Roark’s fading professional rivals, and an architecture critic in her own right.

    Before their first encounter, Dominique has a latent nihilist bent to her that Roark brings out on sight, much as he brings it out in Toohey. And, so, in their climactic encounter, the sex from which neither can pull back, Rand has Roark and Dominique locking eyes for about 18 pages, over many days and in many settings, but for what is just a single, desolate, existential moment. And to shorten that story, being that close to Roark did not straighten Dominique’s bent – indeed, it only stiffened it – but it was not rape.

  • Stupid Wizard

    Also you can be this moronic asshole

    http://www.youtube.com/embed/gW9dmpR94J0

  • Stupid Wizard

    I’ve been reading them on Comixology and it’s awesome and extremely underrated. It’s my favorite series right now besides Scott Snyder’s Batman

  • Mark Bisone

    It’s like a cautionary fable in 1080p. Thank you, kind stranger.

  • Palpatine

    Well thankfully that rumor is false. That’s one less thing I get to pan about the movie on my internet blog.

  • Xor

    Well that’s ok then (sorry folks a real serious discussion on whether Jesus existed as a historical person going on here). JudgeDredd if this is giving you notifications we can go somewhere else.

    Look, I’m going to assume you can use logic. So you know that if A occurs and then B and then C after both of those; A, B and C did not happen at the same time right?

    So if Paul’s Jesus was first an angel, second became a human and third, became an equal to god, he was not all those things at the same time. Unless you’re saying Ehrman is wrong, your argument is literally insane.

    “You’re setting up a non-historical standard by which you yourself don’t really understand.”

    That is the standard historians rely on. If we don’t have independent evidence (we don’t in this case) we look at similar cases to see how likely it was. Not only is it less likely, but there are no cases of historical people thought to be angels.

    Can you name a single biblical scholar who thinks that has any historicity to it?

    Moses’s status as mythical is not disputed by any serious scholar (not even McGrath) and I should say that all those standards are not “hyper-skeptical” they are the same for every historical figure.

    You’re mixing up scholars assuming that there are elements of history in the NT with it being used as history. No one but fundamentalists think that is the case. And again, mythology is not a genre, both the NT and Plutarch’s accounts were written exactly like a history book.

    Yes they do! Do you think that any historian uses the Alexander Romance as a reliable source? No, they use ancient histories with few miracles and independent evidence like archeology. We don’t have anything close to that for Jesus.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Is that Sather Gate? Oh dear… (pulls hood over head in embarrassment…)

  • Joe Syxpac

    “That’s why you’re not on the show.”

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    That’s a fascinating review, my hideous young friend! Rare it is that I have heard a film appraised purely on the basis of eye-dryness.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell
  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell
  • Percy Gryce

    Hectoring, self-righteous, ignorant, and barefoot.

    That’s no way to go through life, son.

  • Mark Bisone

    Especially not barefoot. If you’re going to make a damn fool of yourself in public, wear some fucking Dockers.

  • Mark Bisone

    YOO MEAN KU KLUX KLAN HOOD, DON’T YOO!

    (Sorry, just trying to channel Sir Blondie McDickbag here’s social justicenessosity)

  • Alex Lee

    It still is pretty weird that Vader was this guy that got bossed around by people that are not Force sensitive.

  • Stupid Wizard

    Well, Bay’s Ninja Turtles movie has not only insulted childhoods, movie goer’s intelligence, and the art of making a good trailer but now rap

    http://www.youtube.com/embed/zss1EHSuT1A

    Fuck you, Michael Bay. You guys better tear this movie a new asshole when it comes out.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    3 days, 23 hours, 17 minutes.

    Resistence is … impolité?

    http://i.imgur.com/o1RsYCS.jpg

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Sometimes I surf the internet pants-less.

    It’s videos like these that make me regret those decisions.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Sometimes I surf the internet pants-less.

    It’s videos like these that make me regret those decisions.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    My deaf friend loves this song.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    My deaf friend loves this song.

  • jaymanxyz2

    That video was great. I should watch more Monty Python…

  • jaymanxyz2

    That video was great. I should watch more Monty Python…

  • Stupid Wizard

    I wonder what made them deaf

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I’m about 40 second into the video, which is about 40 seconds too long to my tastes.

    Proof that being an atheist doesn’t mean you’re smart. ;)

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I’d ask them but they can’t … yeah.

  • jaymanxyz2

    I got to around the same mark, and am now suspecting that this guy is joking. But I can’t be bothered to watch the whole video to find out, so, oh well.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash
  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    I’d submit your name for the National Sex Offender Registry… if you weren’t a darn Canadian!! … Evaded! Sacre bleu~!

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Oh ya~, I always pull out my novelty KKK robes when I’m trying to blend into a crowd here in the Bay Area. Works wonders, donchaknow! :)

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Have a good view of the simian flu?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Sounds like exactly the opposite of trying to blend in. Like, I feel you’d stand out a lot MORE doing something like that.

    My friend just leaned over my shoulder and said that sarcasm must escape me. I was like, “I’m not even trying to be sarcastic.” Then he face-palmed and walked away.

    I’m just wondering if he noticed I was pants-less.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    I don’t know… I spend most of my time hiding inside from all the shouting people. ; ;

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Hey, it stayed soft, so I’d still be in the clear, right?

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    tl;dr

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    They’re probably shouting because of the ape uprising.

    Thanks, Obama Franco.

  • Stupid Wizard

    I swear this guy is Jeff Daniels

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Kgkgkgkgkggkgkglgkgkgkfkgkgkfjrrjgkkfkgjgkgk.

  • Stupid Wizard

    This guy doesn’t understand that Hitler just wanted to cross breed all of humanity with two foot tall trolls

  • Ugh

    Damn dude, I can read.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Dockers are simply a tool of Christian hetero oppression. Not to mention bare feet make it SO much easier to bound about during a hardcore endurance-run tirade.

    I think he dressed pretty well for the occasion actually. :x

  • Stupid Wizard

    Your mother named you Ugh?

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    You won me over with the accent mark. ^^ Have another vote-up you greedy Canadian bastȃrd!

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Oooh. My husband loves S.S.’s Batman, while I preferred his Swamp Thing run with the Green vs. Rot ultimate battle. Have you read the Annihilation Omnibus with GIffen’s Drax/Gamora? Would you prefer Giffen, Abnett, or Bendis’ style for the movie?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Two replies:

    1] I accidentally put ‘them/they’ instead of ‘him/he’, getting confused since Stu used a genderless term. I’m not talking about all deaf people, if that’s what you meant [this is the more cautious reply].

    2] I’m sorry, Ugh, I didn’t know any of my friends went on here … uh, how’s life? [See, going along with, what might be, your joke]

    Either way, I issue you a ©anadian Sorry.

    Sorry.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    “Force sensitive”… That sounds like a slogan for a SW condom. >.o (vomits spontaneously)

  • Ugh
  • Percy Gryce

    This song poses an important question:

    Is this a young Taco making a film that is borderline experimental?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-Rnl7Orxdk

  • Percy Gryce

    I miss Amish Jay.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    0:55

    Priceless [er ... pricey?].

  • Ugh

    It used to bother me, but in truth, now I realize it makes things easier. First impressions and all.

  • Stupid Wizard
  • Stupid Wizard

    Bendis might be the best bet but he isn’t the best writer. I actually met him by accident in NE Portland. He’s a very intelligent man but his writing style feels fitting for comics but not for film. Strange because DC’s writers, including Vertigo, write their comics like movies.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    All my brothers tryin to get some cheddar?

  • ModernDayMinstrel

    GO NINJA GO NINJA GO

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Oh goodness, you’re in the Bay area.

    I’m so sorry. So terribly sorry.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    No amount of marketing will make me see this. Bay has sunk to a new low.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I’ve read that comic book fans look at Bendis the way we Plinkettes look at JJ Abrams. Keep things simple, to Hell with continuity, characters can’t be terribly complex. Older writers of GotG are more like Peter Jackson, where complexity of character and continuity are really important.

    I’ve read interviews with GotG’s director where there seems to be more complexity to the characters and their intentions. I’m really excited about that. It definitely looks fun, and that’s always a great place to start.

    I don’t get much into Vertigo, as I prefer Image for non-superhero stories. Is there anything you recommend?

  • Stupid Wizard

    Well, yes many. The big two for me is Sandman and Fables. Sandman is a classic by Neil Gaiman, it’s currently being made into a film. Fables was the starting point from which the gritty or more realistic fairy shit came from but Fables is the best out of all that crap. It’s for mature audiences with themes of murder, sex, and spousal abuse. The reveal of the main villain is shocking and I will not dare spoiler it. If you want to read check out The Wolf Among Us which is based on Fables, but takes place 20 years before the comics.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    Had to look it up(I’m guessing Monty Python).
    Hmmm…. the place seems to be full of women….. but i’m just a toad. *sad*

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Not the nicest thing to say about the Japanese is it?

    FTR i did get the reference…

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    Now that’s a good toon most people can enjoy.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    The music industry had a yard sale and Michael just happened to pass by.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Vitriol like this poisons any chance for rational debate. This sort “you started this so we will fight you to the death” “logic” is the enteritis of any conflict in which ends lives

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    That guy was hot. But on the plus side he’s been working out.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    Thank’s admiral, you can go back to sleep now.

  • Real Quantum

    The noise of clanking metal must be unbearable!!

  • Real Quantum

    Wit is the lowest form of sarcasm.
    No, wait…

  • Real Quantum

    Religious or atheist…
    An asshole is always an asshole.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    The women in Castle Anthrax are so desperate they’d probably spank a toad.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtcSYPjJbgg

  • Real Quantum

    Agreed.
    That’s because he was not supposed to be the central part of the story: he wasn’t even supposed to be Luke’s father.

    Obi Wan told the truth in the first movie, and not “from a certain point of view”.

    Leia being Luke’s sister was a way of peacefully solving the love triangle.
    Still, in the context of the OT, it all evolved naturally and the pieces eventually fit.

    Then came the prequels and screwed it up with it’s obsession with Vader, Jedi and lightsabers left and right..

    I’m sure I’m paraphrasing Plinkett, but there you go.

  • Real Quantum

    “Ribbed for her pleasure… Ewww!”

  • Real Quantum

    Once, he was enthusiastic about a half in the bag.
    He almost shaved that morning.

  • Real Quantum

    AND he looks like Louis CK’s stupid brother.

  • Now I Get It

    Yeah, C.K. or Andrew Breitbart, who was one of the New Right’s most ambitious assassins, till he died in 2012, ostensibly from overwork.

  • Admiral Robocop
  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    Hey! That’s good news. Haven’t been this frikkin exited since latino Greta in Gremlins 2.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gX2y3tyyZzs

  • Captain Turbo

    That explains so many things about my childhood…

  • Joe Syxpac

    Is Vibrotron in this one?

    How about Inthebutt Prime?

    Certainly Tailblaster must be in it. Or was it Tailgunner? I forget.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Nope, nope. Needs more Star Wars puns!

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Pfffff.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    He’s not able to grow any facial hair, and he just over-does it with the Caboki hair loss concealer to compete with Jay. You’re such an inconsiderate asshole to think otherwise. Christ.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Unfortunately he has to hide all his enthusiasm under a bushel… Because it’s for things like “Grown Ups 2″.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Hey, the dot alien is back! And wouldn’t you know that stupid UT is on the fritz again. *kicks machinery*

  • Real Quantum

    “And I thought they smelled bad… On the outside”?

  • Real Quantum

    I’ve been called an asshole all my life, but “inconsiderate” is taking it too far, lady.
    I mean, I don’t even know what it means!

  • Real Quantum

    I liked Grown Ups 2!
    well, back to my Power Rangers movie…

  • Real Quantum

    Two thumbs up :D
    Man, this is funny

  • Palpatine

    I really hope they do an in depth “Jack and Jill” style analysis of this “movie”, or maybe they’ll just pull another “Grown Ups 2″ review and pretend to like and have the review be three minutes long, or they just won’t talk about it at all.

  • Real Quantum

    He gets no points for the conversations, but is great at finishing sentences.

  • Alex Lee

    Force Sensitives! For her pleasure, so he isn’t.

  • Alex Lee

    I say number 2. They transform into that one turtle that had tits.

  • Palpatine

    I’m not a huge expert on Ninja Turtles, but I do remember hearing something about some TMNT show that had a girl turtle that joined the boys.

  • Real Quantum

    Nah, “blurst” is unforgivable.

  • Mark Bisone

    Shot in the incredibly rare 2:5.39 aspect ratio.

  • Real Quantum

    Never heard of him.
    But a quick search led me to the Illuminati section of youtube.
    Why did you do this to me??

    Other than that, dead ringer.
    “overwork” – I saw what you did there..

  • taxman10m

    Overworking cocaine, am I right?

  • Real Quantum

    “Sometimes”… tsk.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    “i think it’s remarkable *I* wrote anything at all” is another simpsons monkey related gag…

  • Xor

    It mightbe #1 just because it’s somewhat unique and it’s the first of it’s kind. #2 and #3 are usually for sequels.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I thought being inconsiderate had something to do with whale vaginas, but I’m too lazy to go look. Glad I could help!

  • Palpatine

    And speaking of Ninja Turtles, check this piece of what the fuck that was made to help promote a transit system in Los Angeles. Even though it’s ten minutes long and has god-awful coustumes, it seems hell of a lot better then the new movie.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFP1KQpxqFQ

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Yeah, Amish Jay too.

    That was one weak pun.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Optimus Prime Cups.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Never tell me the odds.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I’m semi your colon, January. ;)

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Yeah, but can you translate the back of the SOS box?

    Thanks.

  • Palpatine

    I think the Samurai Cop is alive videos have replaced the Phantom Menace making of video quotes as the most seen thing in the comments.

  • Meester Smeeth

    Speaking of Samurai Cop, here he is alive and well in a video I still haven’t watched, despite the many times I’ve seen it posted here.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9SDZ_UjaNM

  • Freak #1

    Is he kidding about the apes looking fake? Those apes had more physical presence than I’ve ever seen from CG characters.

  • Meester Smeeth

    Whire you’re at it, could you transrate it into Engrish?

  • jason

    Great clip of Cameron Mitchell talking about Orson Welles…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8OKTemLxJA

  • Like Icare

    The song in the 1990 one wasn’t exactly high art either.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P96Ne_CkFuQ

  • Like Icare
  • Real Quantum

    Understandable.
    I, too, am lazy to look up whale vaginas.

  • Like Icare
  • Real Quantum

    My mistake, then.

  • Percy Gryce

    He who would make a pun would pick a pocket, Dr. Johnson is thought to have said.

  • Percy Gryce

    Andrew Breitbart was not part of the “New Right” (in any of its three manifestations):

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Right#United_States

    He would be more accurately described as a “Tea Party Conservative.”

  • Jar Jar Binks

    Meesa get right on that. Yousa bend over and take deep breath.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I Guest he wasn’t too sure of his comments.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    So, what you’re saying is that they may have gone too fa-

  • My ex wife

    Don’t you mean wit is the soul of brevity.

  • Meester Smeeth

    I say they’ll watch the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles trilogy… AT THE SAME TIME. And then give a 2-line review of Teenage Reboot Ninja Turtles.
    That’s a challenge, Stoklasa, Bauman and Evans.
    That’s how that’s done.

  • Palpatine

    Not at all. All I’m saying is the comments are so dense, every single comment has some many things going on.

  • Palpatine

    Holy shit, those hack frauds need to do that ASAP!

  • The Summer of George

    And singing is the lowest form of communication.
    -H. Simpson

  • Meester Smeeth

    Or…
    Jay: So, Mike, would you recommend Teenage Mutant Ninja Reboot?
    Mike: -NO! Jay, would you recommend Michael Bay’s Rise Of The Dawn Of The Turtles?
    Jay: NO!

  • Palpatine

    Or maybe a one line review. Here’s how it’ll go:
    Mike: Teenage Reboot Ninja Turtles fucking sucks, so don’t go see it.
    Speaking of which, didn’t they try to reboot the series in 2007, and that failed, or was that a sequel to the other TMNT movies?

  • Meester Smeeth

    As far as I know it was like a CG cartoon rebooty thingy, wasn’t it? I never saw it. I doubt I could care less but I did hear it wasn’t too bad.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    My Ex Wife… you were a dot alien all along?? :0

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Hm. I’m almost disappointed no one called me out for my completely nonsensical upper midwest accent. Oh well. *slinks back off to the hack-cave…*

  • Palpatine

    Yeah was a cgi cartoon, and it had Patrick Stewart as the bad guy, Sarah Michelle Gellar as April O’Neil, Chris Evans as Casey Jones, and famous Japanese actor Mako as Splinter.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    But how could you even tell who’s doing what to whom…? Worst sex tape ever! I give it two pendulous robot-bollocks downward.

  • My ex wife

    Yeah, I thought somebody said illegal alien and I signed up!

    Merely censoring my own crap comments, I’m not responsible for the others. The mystery continues.

  • Real Quantum

    Your point?

  • My ex wife

    …how could you even tell who’s doing what to whom…?

    There are some human sex tapes like that, not that I know anything about it you understand…

  • Real Quantum

    It wasn’t crap, I read it in the e-mail ;)
    It was witty.
    Don’t censor yourself, that’s what everyone is here for :)
    Cheers!

  • My ex wife

    Dam right it is, and you can’t have it!

  • My ex wife

    oh yeah, we get emails. shit! haha

  • Real Quantum

    :D

  • Real Quantum

    Wait a minute…
    Is this who I think it is???

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Uiheeheeheehee! …Your attempts at escape are futile.

  • Like Icare
  • Stupid Wizard

    Man I’m so excited that Samurai Cop is-
    http://37.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6e8rfR0vp1rsabxvo1_1280.png

  • Stupid Wizard

    Are you drunk engrish?

  • Percy Gryce

    SW, you’re working hard to get into the Hall of Shame, aren’t you?

    That said, this is an excellent pull–from one of my favorite episodes of HITB.

  • Stupid Wizard

    In actuality I’m really working on my review of a show called-

    http://i.imgur.com/GdDmXIn.png

  • Stupid Wizard

    The generic Samurai Cop is alive comment! One of my personal favorites!

    http://a.disquscdn.com/uploads/mediaembed/images/547/2336/original.jpg?w=600&h

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    That’s gonna be great.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Only if you speak the language.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Why couldn’t Shoji Tabuchi sing this song? People would be lined out the door to see it.

  • InPrivate

    Treasure it, cause they ain’t making a new episode for like … 5 weeks.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    “What’s a Tee Em En Tee?”

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    You should have your own symbol for when you delete your comments. Or some phrase.

  • Guest

    Whatever, the CGI in the Phantom Menace looked better.

  • Guest

    Michael Bay is an true artist. His explosion have a profound message behind them. He’s creating art, pure art, while everyone else in Hollywood is creating sequels and reboots; for example, this fucking ape movie. With all this said, GO SEE TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION, you’ll not only enjoy yourself immensely, but afterwards, you’ll realize you watched something more … something much more important than you, or life itself. You’ll be watching some next level shit.

  • Guest

    Mike and Jay are Illuminati. I can see it in their faces.

  • Stupid Wizard
  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Apparently Lucy is a really good movie … if you only use 10% of your brain.

  • Stupid Wizard

    So is the new Hercules movie…but fuck that Brett Ratner is the director

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Jay’s quote about MB is still one of my favorites “I don’t know if he knows how to read”…

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    Never mind. I’ll be down in the planetcore.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    What’s aspect ratio?

  • Joe Syxpac

    Is he wearing a windbreaker under a suit coat?

  • Joe Syxpac

    Luckily I only have 10% of my brain left.

  • Joe Syxpac

    What is wrong with your…

    Meh, it was funny the first 1000 times.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    That’s one of my personal favorites.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Resistance is … wait, I already made this joke.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    “asshole”

    RQ, we’re on the RLM forum. You need to use more specific language to help differentiate between the hundreds of asphodels [this was what spell-check changed my slightly misspelled 'assholes' to] on here.

  • Noah Roalson

    Well, some scientists say we only use 10% of our brain…so.. yeah xD

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Even more relevant when you consider that my avatar is a still from the film ‘Pickpocket’.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd
  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Was actually going to post this before when someone posted that terrible terrible review that the “black nerd” gave of Transformers $ (get ti because thats the character that comes up when you hit shift+4?) thats a little keyboard humor for you guys.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    No scientist says that…

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    I dunno, I think I might enjoy a sex object running around and blowing shit up…but yeah, it certainly won’t be a really good movie…

  • Hank

    I think that face may be offensive to Chinamen…

  • Joe Syxpac

    Not to mention skydivers.

  • Now I Get It
  • Like Icare

    Maybe the music doesn’t translate well to violin?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Does Vanilla Ice translate well to anything?

  • Now I Get It

    Hey, photoshopping horses is hard. Just ask… Oh, shit, sorry. This was supposed to be a poster of Daniel Radcliffe’s uncircumcised dick.

    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5pvoJY6kAcw/UYXHG3qVBDI/AAAAAAACUlU/tfOpqMukzss/s1600/imagens-engra%C3%A7adas-imagens+(1).jpg

    He rode horses in “Equus”, you know.

  • Stupid Wizard

    Only retarded babies say that

  • Palpatine

    Dunno, sounds like a vehicle my Stormtroopers used to use in battle. Also, I wonder if Rich Evans will join them for their review. Is he a big Tee Em En Tee fan?

  • Palpatine

    I may have gone too far in a few places.

  • omitted

    I remember having good times with Jay on that parking lot

  • omitted

    On your fraudmobile?

  • omitted

    A sword swallower through and through

  • omitted

    Finally a clip that captures my excitement for Guardians of the Galaxy

    http://youtu.be/DbHFSf47MIQ?t=3m

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Retarded babies make the worst scientists.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    more like they’d be lined up to get away am I right? In an unrelated matter does anyone have a link to the episode where mike and jay are attacked by slide whistles?

  • Joe Syxpac

    Was it the naked dude or the naked raccoon that did it for you?

  • omitted

    It was the torrent of V8 that took me over the edge

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass
  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    That’s not April Oniel. This is! I used to have such a crush on her when I was growing up/forming in the spawningpool.

    They don’t make babes like they used to,

    http://www.cosplayisland.co.uk/files/costumes/3021/34137/april_oneil.jpg

  • Jar Jar Binks

    okie day… meesa use una bongo to meet yousa in de planet core even though goen through de planet core is bad bombin.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    That was the non-animated show that came on 1997 right after the original cartoon TMNT ended. April was canned and replaced by another turtle, Venus. Shredder was also replaced by some reptile from space.

    Just google, Ninja Turtles The Next Mutation. *sad*

    That’s it for me today, getting blasted on bloodwine. Hopefully I can make it through these troublesome turtletimes. Glug glug glug.

  • Palpatine

    Yeah the Operation Blue Line April looks nothing the cartoon one, instead she looks more like the from 1990 movie. Also the villain from the video kind of looks like Mike, but skinnier. Wouldn’t you say?

  • Palpatine

    I guess the Gungans are good pals with the Ninja Turtles , huh?

  • Guest

    That orange shit is alien cum.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    Oh that Gridlock guy. Hmmm, I don’t know what he lookes like.
    There’s something wrong with his face.

  • Palpatine

    They need to make a video of Rich Evans watching the Blue Line video. But hey, at least they got the guys who were doing the voices for the Turtles at the time to be in this.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    We hire them to keep that Jarjar race to a minimum. They are ninjas.

  • Palpatine

    Also, this image sums it all up:

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    You could catch a show in HIS theatre! I guess he was not selling VHS tapes from his garage while drunk but getting rich while putting on show after show.

    I think qualifies as an evil empire. I’m leaving this planet.

    http://galenf.com/branson/1/2010-11-17_branson_0475.jpg

  • dollar store cashier wife

    What gave you that crazy idea m8?

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    I must be doing something wrong because I’m still not that amped for this shit…a bit curious sure…but green side boob, ‘splosions (think ill start calling them ‘sploosions from now on actually), sarcastic lead, and his rag tag bunch rag tagged together in a rag taggy tagg plot convenience…im sure it’ll be fun…but nothing about this fucker has really grabbed me ya know?

  • dollar store cashier wife

    just another mediocre comic book bullshit movie.ofc the internet will hype it up to be the new citizen kane.

  • Otto: Autopilot

    Part time.

    D’oh wrong review reference.

  • Otto: Autopilot

    Part time.

    D’oh wrong review reference.

  • Guest

    Caesar is my God!

  • Guest

    Caesar is my God!

  • Guest

    shows what you know bro Guardians is going be the bestest movie of 2041. I <3 rocket, hes so emotionally deep and utterly hilarious in the comics.

  • omitted

    It’s gonna be great

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd
  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    John C. Dangus, what are you doing not being Dr Steve Brule? Dingus.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQudjZpMuyo

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Yeah actually when I first saw the trailer the most exciting thing about it was the prospect of seeing SB…that and green side boob….Woah…SB…sideboob…SB…SideBoob…

    I could really use some sleep…

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Rich Evans doesn’t own a Tee Em En Tee T-Shirt, so he must be absolutely enthralled with them!

  • omitted
  • InPrivate
  • Mark Bisone

    You’re both wrong. The New New Right is the Old Left, and the New Left is the Old Old Old Right.

    Also, the Top is the New Bottom, not to be confused with the Old Bottom, which is this guy:

    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_P1YChrwWvOs/TOXW5M1MHUI/AAAAAAAADAU/A4ox0Het7D8/s1600/rip+taylor.jpg

  • Palpatine

    So you don’t live in the underwater bubble city right now?

  • omitted

    Cod? He is an ape!

  • Mark Bisone

    If the camera kept pulling back, we’d see he was also wearing pajama bottoms and scuba flippers.

  • Mark Bisone

    I’m sure there’s at least one who does…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fo4tzrxyXsA#t=33

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Not enough likes in the world for Mr show links friend.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Half in the Bag: The Wolf of Wall Street and 2013 re-cap.

    Go find the link yourself, you guinea fuck!

  • WrongWithYourFace
  • Fuck Me I’m January

    Shoji Tabuchi is like the Hospice of concerts

  • Fuck Me I’m January

    But what does aspect ratio mean?

  • WrongWithYourFace

    You may have gone too far in a few places…

  • Real Quantum

    *Puts on his jungle clothes and lights his pipe*

    Well, I wouldn’t want to become too technical, but this one, in a broader sense, belongs with the subspecies “assholus politicis” which, in turn, has it’s won set of subspecies, namely:

    – assholus politicis right wingus
    – assholus politicis left wingus
    … and it’s many derivatives.

    You’ve been to Youtube, right? :)

    To be specific, this specimen is an assholus politicis left wingus atheisticae, from the family of the morons.

    Then, who can forget the assholus feministae, the assholus misogynisticus, and so on.

    Anyway, a characteristic common to all assholes, the one that made me label him as such, could be summed up by his frame of mind – which goes something like this:

    “I’m better than you, so, agree with me or DIE, fucker!”

  • Fuck Me I’m January

    This only happens when we forget to take 90% of our brain medicine.

  • Charon

    Wow.

  • Charon

    That whole bit is one of the funniest comedy set-pieces I’ve ever seen. You gotta love those awkward-but-intentional transitions!

  • Charon

    I’m late to the party. I saw Apes a Poppin’ II yesterday. I liked it, but I have to admit that I laughed out loud at parts of the film that were supposed to be dramatic – especially the big Ape v. Human climax. Koba falling sideways off his horse while dual-wielding two Call of Duty guns, in slow motion? The imagery being presented to me was just absurd. It tickled me. The seven other people in the theater weren’t nearly as amused as I was.

    Thank Jeez for matinee pricing.

  • fred

    OPEN THOSE FUCKING DOORS!! (stares at airplane)

  • My ex wife

    Or in my case, resistance is furtive.

  • My ex wife

    Is it bad?

  • Guest

    I saw this movie yesterday at matinee pricing, too, yet I found little to laugh about with all those poor apes and Hollywood actors dying and shit. You have NO soul!

  • Real Quantum

    Wow, it’s like poetry…
    It rhymes.

  • Real Quantum

    It’s so dense, every fr…
    Ah, you know the words of this song.

  • Real Quantum

    In my language it translates to “baunilha gelada”.
    Which means something like the cornetto’s cones.
    So, yeah, maybe it does…?
    :)

  • fred

    Apes; with machine guns, on horses, in the apocalypse. What the fuck were you expecting? Go back to your Lars Von Trier shit.

  • fred

    What’s that from? Poetry doesn’t have to rhyme you know…

  • Real Quantum

    yeah, I might have gone too far in some places.

  • Alex Lee

    You’re new here, aren’t you?

  • Meester Smeeth

    Fuck you, Lars Von Trier, you ruined this webzone too??

  • Meester Smeeth

    Don’t worry, we can edit it.

  • Meester Smeeth

    WHOOOOOOAH!

  • Meester Smeeth

    No, it’s the guy who played Samurai Cops.

  • Meester Smeeth

    That sounds awful. Chris Evans isn’t anything like Robert De Niro.

  • Alex Lee

    “But soft, you are total boner food.”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kLQc9rXjRo8

  • Real Quantum

    Anyway, forget that.
    What’s wrong with your faaace?

  • Real Quantum

    I’m crapping my hands with deright in antecipation.

  • Meester Smeeth

    Now you’re just being sirry.

  • Meester Smeeth

    It fucking does. It’s the law.

  • Real Quantum

    You’le light, solly.

  • Real Quantum

    With flying colours, might I add.

  • Meester Smeeth

    Don’t wolly about it.

  • Mark Bisone

    All I wanna know is can a nigga get a chable dance?

  • Stupid Wizard

    Why was Jay in LA? Was he trying to be like Spike Jonze again? He copied his beard and voice!

  • Percy Gryce

    I’m dying here. Can we have something new, please? (Preferrably BOTW.)

  • Palpatine

    Space Cop should be one of the Guardians. Just sayin’.

  • Percy Gryce

    That’s the last easy move you’ll make.

  • Jason Ross

    I agree re: new BOTW.

    Additionally, durante los seis semanas posadas, Rich has been the cause of the suffering of the peoples of Palestine and also the Jew-friendly Donbass rebels in Ukraine.

    Way to play both sides, Rich.

    Eat more butter and/or bullets.

  • Jason Ross

    aLL yOU hAD tO dO wAS lOOK aT THE mOVIE pOSTER. wHAT dID yOU eXPECT? … iT lOOKED lIKE A hIP hOP vIDEO sTILL — mICHAEL bAY aPPROVED

  • StopThinkingBrainUrGoingToHurt

    It’s stylistically designed to be that way.
    Hopefully it’ll work.
    That’s gonna be great.
    It’s gonna be great.
    That’s gonna be.
    It’s gonna be great.
    Coruscant?

  • omitted

    Yup, now I’m against the true pros

  • omitted

    Anything with Jay in it

  • Percy Gryce

    Um, what’s happening in this comment?

  • Percy Gryce

    Is that Eminem?

  • Meester Smeeth

    No need to be greedy, Mr Gryce. They’ve been rather generous of late.
    Still, while we’re on the subject, where are Fake Plinkett’s Fake Plinkett Plinkett review’s of Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man moopies, and also his mini Fake Plinkett Plinkett reviews of Andrew Garfield’s The Amazing Spider-Man parts 4 and 5 reviews?

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    *put-put-put-put-put-put…*

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Nah, it’s not so bad. It’s got lots of stuff! It’s so dense. Every single intersection has so many things going on.
    Plus the rent is super high, so you know it’s gotta be good. :)
    I live in a gutter…

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Reading that gave me fork in the brain.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I guess some people didn’t read the part where you said you liked the film. I found some of those same moments rather amusing too, especially the ape of the trolley exploding. Not to say they were done poorly, just my sense of humour is like that.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Judge Dredd should have commented that.

  • Meester Smeeth

    FIRST!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    4:26

    “…and travelled over 15 miles per hour for over one quarter of an hour…”

    Fucking hilarious.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    I try not to be a sucker for cat/dog fluff on the internet, but that is so ADORABLE I’m going to have to curl up into a ball now.

    (Damn you, NIGI, damn you to heeeeeeeck… >_<)

  • Percy Gryce

    Actually, their pace this month is almost exactly what it’s been the last two years: two HITBs, one BOTW, and a couple of miscellaneous pieces per month.

    I was hoping Patreon would speed things up a bit.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I think Patreon has sped up Space Cop, notsomuch the other stuff. I’m fine with that. Hopefully when Space Cop is done other things can be done more frequently.

  • Stupid Wizard

    Holy shit, my friend has that VHS

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    A Cornetto cone sounded so good until I realized they’re in the shape of Vanilla Ice’s hairdo.

    Thanks for ruining it for me!!!

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    That’s just how people like Phil Davis talk, yo.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd
  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    If I forget to say Action or Cut, just step in and say Action or Cut.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Spoilers!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Spoilers!

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Oh, you mean the naked Raccoon at 3:21?

    Ya, that shit’s sexy.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Space Cop should be their janitor cleaning up the Guardians’ messes.

    No seriously Green Side Boob has a fecal urgency problem and that shit needs to be cleaned up by somebody.

  • Alex Lee

    I’m also super excited for Space Cop, way more than Days of Future Past.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Space Cop wears pants, though. And that’s just disappointing.

  • Joe Syxpac

    And sitting on a pig wearing a brassiere.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Hmmm… weird.

    Well, it was Groot that did it for me.

    I’d like to stick my stick in that stick if you know what I mean.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Citizen Kane sucked lol wtf u talking about.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa
  • Joe Syxpac

    The Phantom Menace had CGI?

  • Joe Syxpac

    I don’t remember ANY of that shit.

    Of course I was smoking crack with Pee-wee Herman through most of the 90s.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    I regret nothing.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Mike is way cuter.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Same…except for the smoking crack with peewee herman, and the not remembering intricate details about the turtles franchise phenomenon throughout the 90’s…

  • Now I Get It

    You fly south now, little Percy. Fly, fly, fly…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEBCS006HvA

  • agianagain

    For those of you too busy to watch the whole thing, here’s this episode’s Cliff Note:

  • Now I Get It
  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    Not while that Jar Jar and that dumpster protoge Portman are around. For generations my family has been transporting fireworks across the galaxy. My old profession before becoming a fully formed toadking! So I indulge myself from time to time a ‘vacation’ on your planet.

    Hey! Werent you thrown down a mineshaft in episode 6? Why are you on this planet? Get your own!

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    Oh a full GIF. Thank you thank you. I save them on my kompjuiter and watch them while Im not online. That modem internet is too expensive.

  • Real Quantum

    Okay, cut!

  • Real Quantum

    That’s a hairdo?
    I thought he fell asleep under a tree and that the birds had pooped in his head.

    Now, thank YOU for ruining it for me!

  • Real Quantum

    Eminem 0.5 Beta version, if I’m not mistaken.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Radagast ruined it for you, not me. Environmentalists ruin it for everybody.

  • Guest

    The butter makes the bullets go down easier.

  • Real Quantum

    Oh, sorry, then I take it back.
    That damned pot-smoking hippie scum.

  • Gordon Chapman-Fox

    You guys seem to have liked a surprising number of blockbusters this year – Captain America, X-Men, Apes, Edge of Tomorrow. What’s gone wrong? Why has Hollywood started making good films? Is it a consipracy, or just a freak occurrence?

  • omitted

    Like me

  • omitted

    I think any RLM content would benefit from fewer pants

  • Palpatine

    Does that mean that Space Cop is also going to have to clean out the raccoons litter box?

  • Palpatine

    Well truth be told, I faked my death. Since my whole army was destroyed, along with the new Death Star, I pretty much had nothing else to do, so I moved to Earth, and I currently live in an apartment in Milwaukee, as seen in one of the Half in the Bag episodes. Also, didn’t Natalie Portman die of a broken heart or some contrived bullshit?

  • omitted

    Nah, these hack frauds have just sold out

  • omitted
  • Captain Turbo

    Mike and Jay get ten bucks every time they praise a Hollywood film or say the phrase, “brought to you by Carl’s Jr.”

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    Yeah, Hollywood does not make any sense right now. Really enjoyable 6 months. not much to hate right now. Not even Godzilla was anything that caused womiting.

    But it’s going to be back to normal in January when they take out their garbage. Adam Sandler and Michael bay are still alive and ready to cause michief.

    The universe only allows for so much happines, enjoy the present: the sh**storm is coming. Palpatine has forseen it, he pans about it on his internetblog.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass
  • Palpatine

    You’re damn right I do!

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    MIKE: Were here to tell you we have a new teaser poster for our new film Space Cop and it’s available now in our store.
    JAY: That’s right Mike it’s the poster before the official poster.
    MIKE: Why are we selling a poster?
    JAY: To help us keep making the movie.
    MIKE: What movie?
    JAY: Space Cop!
    MIKE: Oh right, “Space Cop”.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    This just means Adam Sandler gets a personal audience with everyone in America for 8 straight hours, making retard, shit and incest jokes. Hope it was worth it you assholes.

  • My ex wife

    I went there once. Out of all the places in your land I visited, it was the nicest. It could always be worse, we could have to live in Wisconsin.*

    *To anybody reading this, I’m only joking of course. Wisconsin may or may not be a wonderful place to live, please don’t lay your Wisconsinite vengeance upon me. :)

  • Now I Get It

    And I tried not to be overly pleased when you didn’t split your infinitive.

    http://geocurrents.info/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/split_infinitive-224×300.jpg

  • Percy Gryce

    So obvious. So funny. So tru.

  • Percy Gryce
  • Guest

    GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY is at 100%, I repeat 100% with only 21 reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, and the reviews are GLOWING!

    Now, all you haters need to shut your whore mouths cause Star-Lord and his crew just entered the premises.

    http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/guardians_of_the_galaxy/

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    I’ll never stop being a faggot hipster contrarian…you hear me? nevar!…(he said while enjoying POTC:pt3 without the slightest hit of irony)

  • Real Quantum

    Do you have red hair and use to walk barefoot around parks, shouting against religion?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    *Ahem.*

    What was that about the Tomatometer again?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    This summer has had some high rated films yet the summer box office is doing very poorly.

  • Brian Levine

    When is Plinkett going to review The Langoliers?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    100% is good, but at only 21 reviews that number can still change quite a bit.

    What you SHOULD be excited about is that 8.3/10 average, which is pretty darn good. The Avengers ended with an 8/10, The Dark Knight Rises got an 8/10, Captain America: The Winter Soldier has a 7.6/10, DOTPOTA [pronouncing this phonetically still amuses me, it's like saying 'Rowsdower'] has a 7.8/10, X-Men: Days of Future Pants has a 7.6/10, etc. I could go on, but what I’m saying is that the Tomatometer probably isn’t as reliable as the average rating.

    Just look at The Wolf of Wall Street. It has a rather average 76% on RT, but its average rating is 7.7/10. Its average rating is actually HIGHER than its Tomatometer, which isn’t very frequent.

    So, if you enjoyed some of those other films I mentioned, you might just enjoy Guardians of the Galaxy as well. People obsessing over the Tomatometer score put far too much weight onto how much it matters.

  • Mark Bisone

    Yeah. I very nearly chose a Lynde pic, but then I remembered that no one knows who Bort Ward is.

    Circle gets the square.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    None of that matters…the only thing that should determine if you have a good reason to like or dislike a movie is boxoffice numbers.

  • StopThinkingBrainUrGoingToHurt

    *nods skeptically

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    As you can probably tell from some past posts I enjoy tracking box office numbers and I’ve honestly heard people make that argument. They weren’t being sarcastic or anything.

  • jaymanxyz2

    Anyone here ever read Animal Farm?

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    That’s where I met my wife!!! [honk]

  • Guest

    Which pig was she?

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    The one wearing lipstick…

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    What is this ‘read’ you speak of?

  • Mark Bisone

    Even fat internet scamsters need vacations, Gryce. I’m sure those slabs of pale, Milwaukee beef are cooking on a nice beach somewhere, while they fan themselves with stacks of Patreon cash.

    In the meantime, all of us RLM plenipotentiaries will need to find some other way of amusing ourselves. I suggest a rap-off, or perhaps some form of scavenger hunt that involves nubile young women and duct tape.

  • Alex Lee

    Err, Transformers make boatloads of money. I wouldn’t call that good though.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    On a beach somewhere?! Those hack frauds!

    I hope they suffocate when their greenscreened background falls on top of them!

  • InPrivate

    Well, when The Indepent critic Geoffrey Macnab gets his review logged it’s about to be gone.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    hmmm…that’s a good point. Exception that proves the rule maybe?

  • Alex Lee

    Maybe every professional reviewer on Rotten Tomatoes is actually a teenage girl wearing the skins of middle-aged men.

    Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I just noticed that I literally have almost 10 times [9.95] as many comments as you.

    I think I should go outside more often or something. This might be unhealthy.

  • omitted

    How about a fap-off to Jay’s beard and biceps? I may or may not have trained hard for this event…

    I might as well get a head start with the mental image of Jay sunbathing that you so kindly provided

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Cartman would approve.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Why didn’t you click the “Want to see it” button?! Why won’t you support Vampire Domination?!

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Mike: “It’s like McDonalds burgers. It looks like a burger. It tastes like a burger, but it’s not really a burger.”

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Womiting. Is that something the Russians do?

  • My ex wife

    No but I’ve watched the film (not that one) does that count?

    “The commenters online looked from Rich Evans to God, and from God to Rich Evans, and from Rich Evans to God again, but already it was impossible to say which was which.”

  • My ex wife

    Indeed. In reality its reconstituted rotting meat leftovers scrapped off of a Chinese processing factory floor, burgerfied and shipped half way around the world. It’s economics!

  • Northern Lights

    Please make a review for “The Raid 2″.

  • jaymanxyz2

    I’m no one to say whether that “counts” or not….but sure, I guess. I was just trying to point out that there are a lot of fundamental plot similarities between Animal Farm and DOTPOTAOAY.

  • omitted

    It only means that you have achieved a devotion to RLM rest of us can only strive for

  • Real Quantum

    I watched that one, does it not count?
    Now I’m confused.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    DOTPOTAOAY is really fun to say outloud! (And yes, I’m not contributing anything to this intellectual discussion.)

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Now now, don’t make excuses for Wisconsin. It’s a beer-soaked, cheese-smelling den of hacks and frauds. Plus I’d like to see what “Wisconsinite vengeance” would mean! *slaps Milwaukee with my riding-glove!*

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    I go both ways… grammatically.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    I never knew you knew so much about… cats, Omitted. *hat-and-cane dances out of view*

  • Matt Brown

    Yes, Xor, I understand logic very well, but I can tell
    your arguments don’t follow logic.

    Ehrman’s idea of Jesus doesn’t in anyway follow the case
    for mythicism. For Ehrman and all historians and scholars, agree that Paul and
    the Gospels contain too much historical core datum that can be recovered. Paul’s
    epistles show that historical Jesus and divine Jesus were both happening at the
    same time. His epistles don’t show a pure celestial figure, who was later
    transformed and shaped as a human figure in later gospels. Now you can disagree
    with me and claim typical mythicist cow manure, but you as well as Carrier,
    know that Paul does mention meeting and gathering information from eyewitnesses to Jesus’ life. Some of the
    informants are James, the brother of Jesus and Peter. He also includes several
    key pieces of Jesus’ biography like his teaching on divorce, The Last Supper,
    Crucifixion, and Resurrection. Either a)Paul was lying and made all that stuff
    up or b) Paul was being honest and claiming to have inherited information from
    eyewitness. There’s no middle position Xor. If Jesus was a myth, then Paul
    would have kept inventing sayings and
    teachings and information about Jesus and claimed to not have inherited
    it but that’s not what the evidence shows.
    If you’re asking me of historians and scholars who think
    that, then yes. Any historian of ancient history or NT studies can tell you all
    about historical figures who were considered divine before they existed. Just
    look at Augusts or any of the Caesars.

    Um no. The kind of standard you’re presenting is not the
    kind that historians use. Historians don’t deny everything because sources
    contain supernatural elements. Hyper-Skepticism is not history.
    Hyper-Skepticism is part of denialism. Denying evidence because it conveys an
    uncomfortable truth is not how history or science works. Whether you like it or
    not, Jesus existed. Period. Whether you like it or not, Evolution happened.
    Period. There are tons of independent records for Jesus. The NT contains
    independent material. The secular outside sources like Josephus and Tacitus.

    Whether or not Moses existed is not at all comparble to
    the historical Jesus. OT scholars don’t doubt or deny that every single figure
    in biblical history existed. They agree on some and doubt or possibly deny
    others. However, that’s not justification for thinking that Jesus didn’t exist,
    when the evidence is overwhelming.

    Is it your assertion that liberal scholars don’t think
    there is core historical facts about Jesus that can be recovered from the
    Gospels? If so, please list me scholars who think that no evidence can be
    recovered from the Gospel accounts. Mythology is a genre, it’s called “fiction.”
    History is called “non-fiction”.

    No, historians don’t Alexander Romulus because Romulus
    was a fiction. Historians do use the NT gospels as primary sources for the life
    of Jesus. Of course, there are tons of documents containing supernatural
    elements and yet contain historical material. I guess we must deny those
    figures too since they contain supernatural elements. What kind of
    archaeological evidence should we have for a historical figure from a backwater
    town?

  • Real Quantum

    Well, I’ve rewatched Team America two days ago, maybe it was a comment by osmosis ;)

  • Percy Gryce

    I’m Percy Gryce
    I’m twice as nice
    Other MCs
    End up on ice

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    I was going to nitpick your “could care less” in the usual pratty internet way, but then I realized it was used correctly… *pout*

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    None of us contribute anything of value. That’s why we’re in a comments section :)

  • omitted

    Oh I just love those furry little critters. The way they purr when you pet them gently… Wait a minute, am I ruining some perfectly good innuendo here?

  • omitted

    My name is omitted
    My comments perverted
    When I get my way
    Jay will be converted

  • Mark Bisone

    Oops, I think I misspelled “rape”.

  • omitted

    Oh, well in that case I can certainly get behind that

  • Mark Bisone

    My rhymes are Doug E. Fresh
    but my pizza roll is stale.
    Leave a comment on this webzone
    I’ll send it to you in the mail.

    (I’m human beat-boxing right now, but that’s kind of hard to translate phoenetically. Just imagine me farting through my mouth.)

  • Mark Bisone

    Ommited you better quit it with all this hideous id shit

    It’s liable get you committed or worse sliced and pitted

    Diced, dined on and shitted out like a strange fruit.

    You’re clearly deranged in the brain, insane

    You get crazed and rage all over the page

    playin’ Home on the Range on your skin flute

    every time Jay mounts the stage

    Hoping to catch his gayze, but ignoring the plain truth

    Face it, dog: Other Guy just ain’t all that into you.

  • Xor

    Well that is in fact what Ehrman is explicitly saying so then you’re saying he’s wrong. And unless you can find a lot of examples of historical pre-born angels (or angels in general thought to be historical) then it is a huge boost to mythicism.

    Uh no, the “middle position” (or how virtually every religion formed) is he hallucinated visions of Jesus and thought it was real, something we have evidence of:

    I did not receive it from any man, nor was I taught it; rather, I received it by revelation from Jesus Christ.”

    We also have a medical study showing he was likely an epileptic and suffered from epileptic hallucinations:

    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1032067/

    Again, historians don’t dismiss anything that “contains supernatural elements” it’s if it has MOSTLY (<— emphasis in case you skimmed through the bold and caps) miracles. Could you even name one mostly supernatural document (outside the NT) that historians think is reliable?

    Are you seriously bringing in the forged passage of Josephus and mistaken Christian accounts from Tacitus? Not even historicists think those count as "independent" sources, they rely on Paul.

    Like I said before, biblical scholars like Crossan and Thompson do think the NT is mythical which only negates the NT, not Jesus per se. And no it's not a genre, if someone writes a history book on unicorns with fake citations that is mythical even though it's not "written like a myth".

    The NT directly followed the OT, to say Moses's mythicism is not comparable is the same as saying nothing is comparable which would be an absurd standard.

    Ahem, it was Alexander Romance. That was a mostly supernatural work on Alexander the Great that is rejected by historians. For Jesus all we have are mostly supernatural works or celestial accounts based on hallucinations.

  • omitted

    So I am insane, well you should know it best

    Clearly you’re the one to fly over cuckoo’s nest

    My love is a fever, longing still

    For that which longer nurseth the disease

    Although it might be a bitter pill

    Just swallow it and shut up now, bitch please

  • Mark Bisone

    Well, get off your felt muppet duff and get involved in my rape contest down below!

  • Mark Bisone

    Why don’t you come on out of your dark closet and admit, omitted

    You talk a gritty mile of shit but don’t get in it to win it. I’ll get you fitted

    for a straight jacket or a curvy coffin. Your wack ass is often cracked but you never get off on it.

    You’re know you’re soft and you can’t waft in these toxic rhyme fumes I keep on coughing up.

    I’ll break bread on your head, crush your nuts like a pair of legumes and then keep on flossin’ it up.

    Just what’s-wrong-with-your-face it, you basehead

    My tail light’s in the distance, you can’t even chase it

    Got some mace in my glove compartment and I’ll make you taste it till your battery’s wasted.

    (drops mike)

  • omitted
  • Mark Bisone

    I wouldn’t suggest a rape-battle if I knew I couldn’t win it. I am a master battle-raper.

  • omitted

    Yup, my punk ass got pwned and not in the GOOD way

  • Palpatine

    Yo yo yo, the name is Palpy, and I.. you know what? Fuck it, I have no idea how to rap.

  • Palpatine

    Speaking of Jay, I was wondering when his workout video will be coming out. Maybe it’ll be called The Dance of Jay.

  • Percy Gryce

    Your flow is ill.

  • Mark Bisone

    That’s why they call me Dr. Bisone.

  • Matt Brown

    “Well that is in fact what Ehrman is explicitly saying so then you’re saying he’s wrong. And unless you can find a lot of examples of historical pre-born angels (or angels in general thought to be historical) then it is a huge boost to mythicism.”

    Yes. I’m saying he’s wrong, but that’s not the point there. The point is that Ehrman’s view of Jesus isn’t in anyway supportive of the Christ Myth Theory. It in no way “boosts” your argument. I’ve already given examples, of historical figures who were thought to have been divine and pre-existent. However, even if I don’t, that doesn’t mean you’ve won this argument, nor does that mean mythicism is true.

    “Uh no, the “middle position” (or how virtually every religion formed) is he hallucinated visions of Jesus and thought it was real, something we have evidence of:

    I did not receive it from any man, nor was I taught it; rather, I received it by revelation from Jesus Christ.”

    That’s not how Christianity started. Paul didn’t find the movement, Jesus did. Second, you misquote Paul’s revelation. He’s not talking about a revelation of the historical Jesus. He’s talking about the Gospel(The Good news of Salvation), which comes from Christ because Jesus is the gift of salvation.

    “We also have a medical study showing he was likely an epileptic and suffered from epileptic hallucinations:

    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pm…”

    How is this at all relevant to the argument?

    “Again, historians don’t dismiss anything that “contains supernatural elements” it’s if it has MOSTLY (<— emphasis in case you skimmed through the bold and caps) miracles. Could you even name one mostly supernatural document (outside the NT) that historians think is reliable?"

    I read your "Mostly" and I'm telling you that no matter whether it contains mostly supernatural elements or some supernatural elements, if it has core historical datum that can be accessed, then that's all that matters. The Bios, Lives of the Caesars, is a great example of a document that contains a supernatural narrative about a real figure(Augustus).

    "Are you seriously bringing in the forged passage of Josephus and mistaken Christian accounts from Tacitus? Not even historicists think those count as "independent" sources, they rely on Paul."

    The first passage of Josephus had an original authentic nucleus about Jesus' execution under Pilate, and his name being behind the Christian movement. However, historians agree that it was later re-worked with all the supernatural elements. Josephus' second passage on Jesus' brother James is valuable and independent and not forged or talking about another Jesus. Tacitus' account isn't forged at all. Virtually no historian thinks this. And all historians agree these are "independent" accounts for Jesus. None of them rely on Christian sources. What historian says they relied on Paul? Either you just made that up or you've been reading Carrier's crap blog.

    "Like I said before, biblical scholars like Crossan and Thompson do think the NT is mythical which only negates the NT, not Jesus per se. And no it's not a genre, if someone writes a history book on unicorns with fake citations that is mythical even though it's not "written like a myth"."

    Crossan doesn't think the NT is "mythical". He agrees that the NT is a genre of history like every historian. And why do you cite Thompson? Thompson isn't a NT scholar but an OT scholar. He is relevant to the conversation. Again, your analogy just doesn't support your argument. If someone writes a book of history, but either writes supernatural elements or makes something up, but there is a nucleus of infomration that is historical, then you can't rule it out as "myth". In that case, you must rule out an entire section of Roman/Greek historical documents that write about figures being divine and human.

    "The NT directly followed the OT, to say Moses's mythicism is not comparable is the same as saying nothing is comparable which would be an absurd standard."

    Whether or not the NT contains parallel from the OT doesn't rule out the existence of Jesus as a historical figure. In fact, the NT doesn't directly follow the OT. You can't compare the historical established certainty of one figure, to that of another character who has little evidence to his name and that we don't know much about. Moses is stil disputed, Jesus is not.

    "Ahem, it was Alexander Romance. That was a mostly supernatural work on Alexander the Great that is rejected by historians. For Jesus all we have are mostly supernatural works or celestial accounts based on hallucinations. "

    Alexander Romance is a late 3rd century document that is mythical in narrative and contains complete legendary material. If you really think the NT is like this, then you are either a) Very ignorant or b) Just believe everything Richard Carrier writes. Which one is it?

  • InPrivate

    “You know I got ya back, just like a turtle shell.”
    “With the nunchucks door and I’m pullin’ up slow.”
    “Bought the orange Lamborghini, call that Michelangelo.”
    “All this green in my pockets, you can call it turtle power.”
    “Give me the whole pie, real cheesy.”
    “Pass her off, Imma real team playa, bandana on my face like a gangsta.”

    And of course, “Knock knock, you about to get shell shock!” The lyricism in these verse is second to none.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zss1EHSuT1A

  • Jar Jar Binks
  • Jeremy Davis

    they made a book out of that movie?

  • Guest

    Go back to Nah-Boo and fuck Boss Nas, you retarded cartoon rabbit.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    OHH MY GAWWWWD.
    …Do I want to scroll down?

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    (nasal, snooty voice:) It wasn’t a PAAAARK, it was a CAAAMPUSSS.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    But it started off so good!!
    …Palpy rapping in the hood.
    (literally, teehee! oops, I just ruined my street-cred…)

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    I hope he’d do it just like this… only substitute “Jay” for “Zod” each time.
    Dominate me in the workout room, Jay! Sigh.
    (I know you’re really a submissive, but let’s just pretend. :p)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMbiLJ2aZuY

  • jaymanxyz2

    Yes. You should also look out for the novelizations of Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, and The Great Gatsby.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Well Taco, when a man really loves a book, and he puts his butt on it [...]

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    No, no… go on~ *pours some red wine*

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    (PEW! PEW! PEW!)

    …Ahh, just missed ‘em. :< Next time, dot aliens! Next time!
    ………. (pew)

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    You’ll start a fire that way… Be cool about — you know-

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    You misspelled O’Neil. But that’s cool. Just look at that face… <3 <3 <3

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    He uses an avatar of Vegeta and Goku arm wrestling?

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    They also wrote a book about some guy named Jesus after a movie with an eerily similar movie about a guy called Brian…not accusing anyone of plagiarism …just saying.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    *Pics mic back up.*

    It seems that nobody respects the sound technicians around here STILL!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I’m giving the commenters and ideal to strive against?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    You should be thankful that Rich Evans is allergic to pussy.

    Perhaps he’d be less hesitant to swinging your way.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I’m gonna blow you out of the water!

    “Walking up with my gals!
    Now listen up, I’m with my pals!
    This song ain’t no joke,
    Cause we’re all so stoked,
    Being with my friends is just the prize,
    On a day with no flies.
    We’ll have fun outside,
    When the sun’s nice and high,
    So get your cheeks off the seat,
    Let your body take the beat!

    Yo I’m John[?] and that’s my name,
    And I’m the boss of the song.
    I like to talk, on my phone,
    But today its just been gone.
    Playing jump rope is my thing,
    And yes, I really can sing!
    Spling[?], Spling[?] is just my bling,
    And having a ball is a hell of a thing!

    Swatting mosquitoes like we’re dumb,
    Trying to smack them is no fun.
    Spinning around in the sun,
    Getting a tan, just like Sam.
    Fooling around with water balloons,
    Picking them out, like a game,
    Even though, they’re all the same,
    Now 3, 2, 1…”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8jbSoCbnns

  • Mark Bisone

    Heads up! Pay attention to this shit my niggas

    Watch me burn up Nash’s bridges like a carton of ciggas

    This bitch who’s about to die went by the name of Mitchell,

    and any snitch’ll

    tell you his rhyme has a major glitch. You’ll

    see it plain;

    he’s got an inferior brain.

    His rhymes are spagetti-strained

    Mine flow like golden rains

    spraying all over the top

    of his Canadian cran-

    -ium, leaving a stain. Well

    I’ll tell you straight-up plain

    the particular strain of the RL-Aim rizzle-dizzle.

    Taco posted three-thousand-and-some cum less-than-laud comments

    But look at the averages, I disparage his crass laments

    and ravage him 5 to 1 when it comes down to

    who likes what, and who kisses who’s cyber-butt. Don’t you

    know this is Math Club, shlub, it’s not a Dramarama

    I get more likes per post than your Ca-nooky mamma

    Now Imma turn into a ghost, I’ll talk to your Canuck ass later

    “Peace out” to the Great White North.

    (“Get fucked” to all you haters.)

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    I love how ‘The new RTD Metro Blue Line’ just rolls off the tongue, as they say it over, and over, and over again! :D Turtle Power? Hey you big, green fucks, get off the bus! You’re scaring the old people!

  • Stupid Wizard

    Well, folks apparently Guardians of The Galaxy is awesome as all hell.

    http://www.youtube.com/embed/QupTPGVn1pM

  • Stupid Wizard

    Hey asshole I already posted that….wait no, did I create a stupid overused annoying running comment?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    “We didn’t start the fire. It was always burning since the world’s been turning.”

  • omitted

    Why else would I have used a video of Hitler, duh? Can’t you see the resemblance?

  • Mark Bisone

    No, you want to throw down.

    (human beat-box)

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Felt muppet duff is all of my trauma trigger words combined into one trigger phrase. Hope you’re proud of yourself.

  • jaymanxyz2

    Um….who is this? Besides “Chris Stuckmann?”

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Women don’t have the upper arm strength to throw like that. We prefer to scroll.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    The only thing I know about Russians is that they keep their guns on the floor. Everywhere. That’s facts I got from Russian expert Stoklasa.

    Wrong gif, but…. it’s still includes handsome man.

    http://img.4plebs.org/boards/tv/image/1377/78/1377787018502.gif

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    Oh heres an oldie but goodie. Can’t get enough.

    https://img.4plebs.org/boards/tv/image/1366/08/1366082681737.gif

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    Your right. Everything has to be perfect. Just like April.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    Hey, that’s good news. It looked well worth wathing from the get go. Glad that it holds up. What’s wrong with this movie year?! I’m feel…feeling…happy?

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass
  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass
  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    No, been looking for a chance to read it. Tried reading 1984 but I didn’t like it (don’t kill me). I’ve mostly read his essays.

    Why’d ya ask?

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    Patreon dollars wasted? Or just put out to let people know the joys of joinng the cult? Or whistleblowing insidejob leakage?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZb81kB9VAg&list=UUrTNhL_yO3tPTdQ5XgmmWjA

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    Shredder sound a little bit like Gilbert Gottfried.

  • omitted

    I wouldn’t mind blowing Jay’s whistle for some leakage

  • Palpatine

    Well they need to say the full name of the system in order to make sound good. I bet now most of the people on it are bat shit crazy screaming homeless people.

  • Joe Syxpac

    You are easily amused.

    Of course, you are a RLM fan.

  • Palpatine

    Jar Jar my old buddy, how you doing? Look, thanks again for the emergency powers you gave me, without you I would have never became Emperor and the whole galaxy would’ve nerver gone to shit. So thanks!

  • Now I Get It

    Those divisions are fine, but I use the term to refer to a new division in the Right that’s just beginning.

    Time was when a Leftist icon like David Suzuki called for, say, an end to logging, a Rightist critic would remark that issuing that demand in print depends on logging. But what the critic called an hypocrisy Suzuki reglossed as an irony, so that the critic, who thought that he’d won, became confused that Suzuki could continue on as if he hadn’t lost.

    All of that ended with Breitbart, who differed from his compatriots in the academy and journalism – Horowitz, Hanson, Krauthammer, Pipes, Greenfield, Tracinski – in that he not only outted those Leftists as nihilists but also hunted them without formality.

    http://www.hark.com/clips/hnwrtwcsgy-enough-of-this-running-shit

    Breitbart understood that politics is always about character and conduct. And well he should have, as his own character and conduct were ruined in his formative years, which he’d spent on the Left. Thus, his goal was, to use that gawdawful Post-modern phrase, “to change the narrative,” specifically, the wise-sounding myth foisted on us by the wizened cunt-ass James Carville, that “It’s the economy, stupid.” Because, of course, it’s never the economy, stupid, not if the government’s job is to stay out of the economy.

    But although Breitbart could prove the Left’s icons wrong, he could not prove himself right. He could not overcome his own nihilism, and died, thereby, overworking his assassin’s creed.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILZQSmE5Uu0

    Those wiki divisions are fine, in that they mark periods climaxed by the running of a superior candidate. Similarly, this new division will be complete when the Right grows past the false alternative of the Nihilist Assassin who can only prove his opponents wrong vs. the Happy Warrior who proves himself right using numbers. Only then will it run a candidate that the country will want to vote for and not just against that other wizened cunt-ass.

    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QnHjIZ2fJjg/T4LtP-JB1pI/AAAAAAAAAOE/0CKvRRzqic4/s1600/hillary-rodham-clinton-beautiful-ugly-demotivational-poster-1253554080.jpg

  • Joe Syxpac

    I donno, but he sure is sucking Stan Lee’s dick.

  • Joe Syxpac

    I’m wearing my teen girl skin right now.

    Gotta tuck to make it fit. Other than that, everything is good.

  • Joe Syxpac

    I played this for a group of overweight strippers and they came to one unanimous conclusion.

    If I promised not to play it again they would let me kill them.

  • Joe Syxpac

    They are future pants, so they’re just theoretical.

  • Joe Syxpac

    Gobs of that ooey gooey leakage!

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Fine. FINE. Vomiting stanzas.

    All these boys out here clowning acting like they’re all the shit.
    It’s pretty fucking obvious you’re a bunch of narcissists.

    Can’t come up with new comments to get all those likes.
    Pretending that you’re Plinkett will just land you all in Psych.

    Hey Jay don’t mind Omitted. His act is all a ruse.
    He’s too cheap to buy a FitBit and just wants to share with you.

    Taco Nash loves Rich Evans like a Savior of the Land,
    but he’d let you Rot in Hell even if he had free hands.

    Faddlechud’s not much for talking. He makes a bunch of gifs.
    Too bad no one’s told him the content still is shit.

    Percy Gryce’s got some stones taking photos with a moose.
    Send one more copy of fucking Nukie and you’ll end up in a noose.

    Stupid Wizard so damn desperate for an ounce of fame.
    He types up random garbage just to make the wall of shame.

    TapewormBike had all these puns too stupid not to use,
    but now he got all married and pretends to reproduce.

    It’s time to fuck some donuts and make fun of Michael Bay.
    Lets hope those bearded hack frauds review 50 Shades of Grey.

    /done.

  • Jar Jar Binks

    Yousa welcome, Palpy.

  • Joe Syxpac

    I don’t get why you guys opted for the rap option.

  • Palpatine

    You are the key to this after all.

  • omitted

    Because where is the fun with nubile young women?

  • omitted

    Yo dawg, this is the sith!

  • omitted

    I want Jay to shake his weight in my face!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2W0FfkaIEXE

  • WrongWithYourFace
  • Palpatine

    Even thought I can’t rap, I sure know how to dance as seen in this video. Dosen’t it add so much dignity to me?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwYxw21ZLzY

  • jaymanxyz2

    There are a lot of plot similarities between Animal Farm and DOTPOTA. For example, the animals in Animal Farm have a familiar commandment of animal society: “No animal shall kill any other animal.”

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    So, he’s Chris Suckmann?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Alright, I’m about to bust out some original rhymes up in ‘ere. Hit it!:

    Your head is so big it’s like the shape of an orange,
    And if you mess with me I …uh …

    FUCK!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    When’s the next Patreon funded turd, you hack frauds?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I’m afraid if I type it, I’ll get banned. It was a joke he said a few episodes back, so it’s easy to take it out of context.

  • Stef Sarch

    I like it when the goo just starts to come out

  • Stef Sarch

    So Mr. Plinkett is going to read the Bible?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    With nicely arranged bookshelves.

  • Mark Bisone

    Sick syllables, Domo.

    But why the heck would Jay ban you for having a good old-fashioned rape-off? Is he a secret asshole?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Credit to @da7e on twitter.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Do you remember something about this?

    Bisone, stop fapping with rock salt and sandpaper.
    Just add a little zest so Omitted’s got some flavor.

  • omitted

    “Teetah the Cat Lady, Cat Lady, Lady Teetah…”

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I Wonder which Woman you’re trying to make us aware of?

  • omitted

    Hey, I posted a fucking rule 34 pic and didn’t get banned. The comment was deleted though

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Scroll down :D

  • Mark Bisone

    …I’ll crush your face in my door hinge?

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    The brownish one.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I’m Canadian, not Optimus Prime.

  • omitted

    “How much for a blowjob, Jay?”
    “I can’t top Rich’s joke.”

    Because NO ONE tops Rich Evans!

  • omitted

    Yeah, as someone who has never given you guys a dime I demand some fresh entertainment!

  • Jason Ross

    ‘das raciss

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    They’re wasting my money before I’ve even signed up for Patreon!

    Preemptive robbery? Preemptive hack fraudery?

  • Mark Bisone

    Domo Arigato, you brown fanged Gestapo
    Thank very much for spittin’ that hip-hop flop, yo
    But time’s up. You’re stuck. It’s your turn to get stopped, ho.
    Doc Bisone’s here to give you a daily dose of the hot flow
    I’m part cannibal, part heartless mechanical shark
    You look like an animal that got lost in the dark
    on its way to Noah’s Ark
    singing “Me so solly I started shit with you Mark.”
    /sarc

  • omitted

    Premeditated skulduggery!

  • Jason Ross

    lulz were had.

  • Jason Ross

    I like the format of the earlier HtitsB episodes, when they would review a current release, but then also turn to an earlier B-Movie which, although billed as terrible, was normally a soothing salve after analyzing the crimes against humanity in the latest Michael Bay / Adam Sandler shit5how.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Dammit. Sorry! Sorry. I meant the clothes, but wasn’t paying full attention to what Nash said. Again, sorry.

  • Now I Get It

    I met him once on a Carnival Cruise. That little gypsy nigga had soul.

  • Mark Bisone

    What aboot Optimoose Prime?

    Oh god that was terrible. I think you gave me pun-AIDS.

  • Jason Ross

    Apology accepted. Next time, just say the jewish one.

  • Stupid Wizard

    The Suckth Sense

  • Mark Bisone

    Why the fuck did they make her so much smaller than the rest of them? She looks like a nine year old in S&M gear. Don’t ‘shoopers have respect for their art anymore?

  • omitted

    But now we have BotW for that shit

  • LelouchtheFilial

    “It’s like saying ‘Rowsdower.'”
    Ah-HA! You DO know MST3K!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    You said sorry 3 times in 1 post?

    I never knew you were a fellow Canadian. :)

  • Stupid Wizard

    The one that gives you a boner

  • Stupid Wizard

    At least he doesn’t show his drawers. I’m talking to you, Spoony!

  • Stupid Wizard

    Actually Disney doesn’t pay off critics as often as you think. But Sony on the other hand. Can you say bullshit?

  • Stupid Wizard

    I actually like the costume, not for reasons that might be connected to my avatar, and I’m glad Goyer is partially writing it and that Snyder isn’t. Zack, you can shoot a movie but you can’t tell a story.

  • Lieutenant Whaaat?

    ummmmm…. excuse me…. cough cough…. i have some questions.

  • Stupid Wizard

    Based on these pictures is there actual effort put into Dawn of Justice?
    http://instagram.com/p/q7Z8qDI7mJ/

  • jaymanxyz2

    I…can’t even tell what that is! Is that a guy standing in front of a screen?

  • Stupid Wizard

    I’m surprised WB hasn’t caught the person who took this photo. Usually if someone does take footage of their exclusive shit they will send their ninjas to go and kill them. That’s how I lost my brother in law sadly

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    No! Not sexy!! *throws wine bottle against the wall* NOO!!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XcX5dG4eJ4#t=1m10s

  • Real Quantum

    Did you catch a cold?

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    I didn’t know they showed gay-porn on network TV! Sweet!
    I assume that randy-sounding narrator was establishing the story and characters? I was a bit distracted… by those titillating… scientific charts. Yea, yea… you graph that pumping action~

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    He’s not doing the voice right. HACK!

  • Meester Smeeth

    Funny you should mention that. I was having a very interesting, similar conversation with someone about that myself the other day. I say very interesting. It wasn’t really that interesting.

  • Meester Smeeth

    It’s Robocop.

  • Meester Smeeth

    Exactly. And they say he knows about strong female characters.

  • Palpatine

    No. It’s Space Cop.

  • Alex Lee

    That was pretty seamless, and it’s actually worse than what Mike was thinking it would be.

  • Lieutenant Whaaat?

    Why is it that Luc Wilson also gets the hot love interest in movies? I just watched “The Internship” and it might as well have been called “Google Crashers” because the plot line was exactly the same.

  • Jar Jar Binks

    no, itsa Jar Jar Cop

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Was the camera okay???

  • Palpatine

    You’re a cop? Since when? I always thought you’d be a low payed security guard or a janitor at the Galactic Mall.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Well, based on Batman’s outfit, Snyder’s pulling from Miller’s Dark Knight Returns, where he fights Superman at the end.

    http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51PjOSGbEKL._SY300_.jpg

  • Mark Bisone

    You need to put a “mop” in there somewhere. I’m gonna teach you how to rhyme if it kills you.

  • Stupid Wizard

    The only way to get rid of this loathsome cunt is to sing the Anvil Song
    http://www.youtube.com/embed/VgD6E-LT9dg

  • Percy Gryce

    You just raped my childhood.

  • Percy Gryce

    Pun-AIDS is not transmitted by causal contact.

    Ohh . . . .

  • Alex Lee
  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    “CLICK HERE FULL RESOLUTION

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    This looks like it was taken in the editors booth er something.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    Bah, the one thing Snyder sorta gets right is capturing the “look” of the comics. Sometimes, not even that. His problem is everything else.

  • Hank_Henshaw

    Yes, it is.

  • LelouchtheFilial

    I turn my back on this comments section for ONE second…

    My back is turned to the comments section because my ass is on my computer screen.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Couldn’t she be wearing something a little more tasteful?

  • LelouchtheFilial

    Stop feeding us this mop slop.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Wait, Rich Evans is in the image?! :D

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Someone on here posted a compilation video of them saying Rowsdower. It was quite funny, especially because it was a bad Canadian film [which is the standard].

  • Stupid Wizard

    Why would you care about comics? You’re a character that was involve in a story line that could’ve destroyed comics.

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Shut yo mouth. grammar is ALWAYS interesting.

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    I dunno, he seems alright to me (though suckerpunch and 300 are indeed terrible nigh unwatchable movies). I sympathize with the geek rage on Watchmen. I shared a similar experience when I watched Akira for the first time and that whole project was helmed by the people who wrote the books. So for me it’s become a stark truth that movies are always going to struggle to capture all of the concepts put forth in a book. Obviously this isnt to excuse meat-heads like Zach (we did it because it’s cool) Snyder or to say it’s impossible to elevate the source material as there are (is?) example(s) of films surpassing their source. Fight Club is a great example, with respect to Chuck Palloack (who actually agrees with me here). Bur rather to highlight the difficulty in transferring a complex narrative across mediums.

    I am looking at IMDB right now and it appears as though ZS is indeed involved in the writing process of this movie which for me is a huge turnoff. If I knew he was just setting up shots and directing(?) actors I think i’d be okay with that. but after seeing most of the guy’s films I feel secure in saying the he’s actually a competent storyTELLER. but like the other directors that keep coming up (Bay, Lucas) given too much freedom they start escaping their niche. I’m sure I’ll end up seeing this film.

    I’m reluctant to give the guy too much shit as I did enjoy Dawn of the Dead and Watchmen. and I didn’t take issue with the themeatic departures Man of Steel took from its source material…mostly because I hate superman and everything the character is supposed to stand for. So it’s fair to say I enjoy his style as a director…as far as turn off your brain action movies go. And while many of you are likely to disagree I feel he’s able to hold my attention through the “bone-numbing, mindless action that the fanboys crave”. Dispite his struggles constructing what we might all agree as “good cinema”.

    Point is I needed something to do while I ate my noodles and now I’m realizing I’ve dedicated 4 paragraphs and about 30 minutes of my life to defending Zach Snider not three weeks after doing the same thing for Michael Bay…Maybe it’s time for me to just admit that I’m actually 13 years old and only care about thwords and ‘sploosions.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    I suppose I have to read it. I can’t really comment on any of it because ive not read the book and can’t make a comparison. Can only guess. So I’m guessing the Soviet Union Animal Farm and the unity of apes has alot in common. Ex. enough to cause paranoya to start a war.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lATk530jVOs Boss Nass

    Did anyony see that PATREON EXCLUSIVE clip on Youtube a day ago? They wathed Transformers. Or am I going crazy?

  • Joe Syxpac

    Wish I had thought of that.

  • guest

    Yeah no. Goyer is not only terrible at writing female leads, but he’s not even familiar with female superheroes and their history. He seriously thought that She-Hulk was nothing more than just being the fuck buddy to the Hulk (despite them being cousins). So I do not want him near Wonder Woman.

  • WrongWithYourFace

    *BtotsW.

  • Stupid Wizard

    The movie is co written by Chris Terrio, who has an oscar. Who was brought on by Affleck. Affleck as a director for me picks the right scripts, so him bringing one of his guys might make it better. At least it’s not written by Zak Penn

  • Stupid Wizard

    Zack Snyder is talented, Michael Bay is talented. The difference is Snyder can direct shit that isn’t explosions, Bay can’t. The scene when Doctor Manhattan reflects on his past and origin is one of the best pieces of cinema I have ever seen, it takes a fantastic scene from the comic and makes it a great adaptation and a great stand alone scene. Another difference is Bay’s films most people say are all shit, Snyder is divisive with his films, except Sucker Punch which sucks ass balls. I mean you say 300 is shit but I fucking enjoy the movie. Bay panders and gives what idiots what they want, Snyder tries and some times succeeds at giving what movie fans want and more. Bay doesn’t like to change things up with his films, Snyder based on Dawn of Justice is. He and Goyer are just writing the story and giving to an Oscar winning writer that was brought on by Affleck, that will make it better I think. Bay thinks “What’s that? Oh, a stupid story that teens and retards will like? Sign me up!”

  • Joe Syxpac

    I… I don’t know if I’m supposed to vote this down or up.

    I’m so confused!

  • Joe Syxpac

    Someone is having their period again.

  • Joe Syxpac

    So Ben Affleck is gonna have a heart attack and die in the end?

    Awesome!

  • Joe Syxpac

    Are you sure that isn’t from Robocop 2?

  • omitted

    Yes and yes

  • RHCZ

    Nah, rambling is fine. I disagree and still enjoy Land, but to each his own. Despite it’s flaws, I still found enjoyment out of it. Diary was terrible, I didn’t even bother with Survival.

    I honestly never really cared for Day that much, I dunno why. I honestly should give it another chance, I might’ve been harsh on it at the time, just some things kind of bugged me about it.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I agree with most of what you said except Snyder giving fans what they want. Based on interviews and such, he definitely gives what he wants to give with the story, and he’s comes across like a defensive jerk when he goes all “This is my vision.”

  • http://www.meatspin.com JudgeDredd

    Agree with most and hope youre right about the rest.

    PS Yeah 300 isn’t nearly as bad as SP and even has it’s moments, and while it’s a lousy movie I picked it mostly because two points balanced out my point better than just the one.

  • Captain Turbo

    I clicked it and I saw God, man… far out.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    To Snyder’s credit he didn’t have any fart, pee, or poop jokes in Man of Steel nor was there any unnecessary humping or zany drug use. Also, he didn’t use slow motion, something Snyder and Bay both enjoy using abundantly.

    I still have the same opinion I had before, though, that Michael Bay and Zack Snyder are really good at certain things but should stick to planning out shots and action sequences. They’d be great as a cinematographer/director of photography, but them in total creative control isn’t the greatest idea. Bay is a worse offender than Snyder and it isn’t fair to lump them together, but Snyder shouldn’t be excused merely because Bay is worse.

    Snyder still has his weaknesses. Man of Steel had a terrible narrative flow. The movie felt like it just jumped from scene to scene and at times didn’t feel like a natural progression at all. This could be because he didn’t get a second unit director and instead decided to film everything himself. On top of that he also delves into excess like Michael Bay, which I’ll go into here.

    The ending to Man of Steel was long and repetitive, with them flying around and punching each other over and over again. There’s only so many times god-like super powered aliens can punch each other in the face without any noticeable damage to each other before it becomes boring. He didn’t mix it up nearly enough. He could have had a very creative fight between them with their various powers, but it turned into some derivative DBZ style fight with hit-or-miss CGI.

    Superman didn’t even personally save anyone in that city until that last family, making the dramatic conclusion seem very unrewarding; they wanted a payoff without a proper setup. In fact, at one point during their Metropolis fight, Superman casually hops over a tanker truck that Zod pushed which then explodes behind him, destroying most of a large parking garage while many people look on frighteningly. He literally turns around, sees the large explosion, and has no reaction at all to the fireball. That kind of disinterest might be expected from other darker superheros, but coming from Superman it seems cold and distant, as if he could care less about the people in Metropolis and only cares about punching Zod’s CGI face to smithereens.

    The Amazing Spider-Man 2 was rather awful, but even then they knew that Spider-Man needed to save people from the bad guys and they did so in creative ways [whether or not they actually worked is debatable]. Man of Steel was punch, grab, fly, throw, laser eye, over and over. He used his X-Ray vision minimally and his super hearing didn’t really matter, especially during the climax when he’d keep losing track of where Zod was.

    A competent director would realize this would get repetitive and boring after a while and they’d mix things up every now and then or make it so that Superman would actually go out of his way to save people. That way we could see that even thought Superman should have an upper hand, he’s losing the fight because he feels a responsibility and duty to protect the lives of innocent people. That’s an interesting dynamic to explore and would have made the Smallville fight and the Metropolis fight much more satisfying without changing the story drastically. Not only that, but it would have been a much better setup for the conclusion and the payoff would have felt deserved and not tacked on. We would have understood his dilemma and knew that killing Zod was definitely the only action he could take.

    It’s funny, too, because as Clark Kent he’d go out of his way to save more people than when he was Superman. That don’t make no sense, yo!

    Taco Out!

  • Palpatine

    Jar Jar ain’t no cop, so he’s stuck all day usin’ a mop! How’s that?

  • Palpatine

    Don’t blame me man, it’s was Disne that made me do that. Isn’t it ironic that Disney’s doing the childhood raping?

  • Xor

    You gave one example (Paul) who was not celestial prior to being born. For you to disprove me, you would have to show that most pre-born celestial figures were thought to be historical.

    So Paul hallucinated a real person without ever knowing about him? He explicitly says, no one told him about Jesus and he never read about him before the vision.

    We can’t magically decipher which part was forged and which wasn’t and the second passage was about Jesus ben Damneus, not Christ. No one said Tacitus was forged, he relied on Christian accounts because he misidentified Pilate’s real rank (something only Christians did), the point is he’s not independent.

    Then you didn’t read The Power of Parable. Crossan’s point was the Synoptics were “parable rather than history,” that is, they were fictional/symbolic accounts, not done for history (something which myths also do). And Thompson wrote an entire book saying the NT is unreliable.

    Sure by itself it doesn’t but it helps the mythicist case since usually real people don’t parallel the events of mythical ones. And I’d advise you to ask McGrath how “disputed” he thinks Moses is.

    To the supernatural/Romance, Suetonius did not write mostly supernatural work so yes his can be used but, like you yourself said, the Romance can’t. I beleive Crossan and Thompson, especially when it abides a pretty obvious standard.

    It’s basic logic: if mostly supernatural then unusable, if not mostly supernatural then usable. You’re just asserting that the NT is an exception (that it’s mostly miracles but useable) without evidence.

  • Jason Ross

    Disqus seems to be taking longer than usual. Reload?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Wait, Owen Wilson was in the film Marley & Me, which prominently featured a Retriever!

    Coincidence?!

    Yes.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Upper arm strength? As opposed to what, lower arm strength?

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Jay cameo in Prometheus 2 confirmed!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Reading all these raps are really entertaining when you imagine a kazoo playing along to them.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Why you gotta bring my mom into this? Asshole.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Perhaps his wording confused you.

    He’s saying that the comments where people post the video of ‘Samurai Cop is Alive’ have become more prevalent than the comments where people post memes from behind the scenes clips of ‘The Phantom Menace’.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Tran$4mers.

    Boom.

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    I’m going through withdrawal. Better go back and check out some of their stuff. This one is still mint.

    http://youtu.be/8xpHS7_OpSk

  • dirk beefhammer

    When will Half in the Bagpipe review Under the Skin AKA Scarlett Johansson’s Naked Adventures in Scotland?

  • http://hardycases.com/ Hale

    Eh, I’m not getting my hopes up. I thoroughly disliked MoS and Snyder’s general approach to Superman. But I’m also not actively wishing that it’s a shitty movie. If it actually turns out to be a solid film, I’ll gladly see it.

  • omitted

    Are you from Botswana?

  • WrongWithYourFace

    No, I’m your backdoor neighbor.

  • omitted

    Tomorrow I’ll be going somewhere with questionable internet service for a while (weird place for a web stalker symposium, I know). So with the way my luck runs… expect the ‘Special Shirtless Edition of Quick Cuts available only for a limited time’ to be posted any day now!

  • omitted

    That’s okay, as long as your not my… Backdoor Mayor :o

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    Does the carpet match the drapes?

    I’m asking because I hear Scotland has odd home decorating. I have hardwood flooring so I can’t answer if that question were directed at me [and I don't have drapes].

  • omitted

    That’s right, Jay.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    I’m not sure if a “RLM Shirtless Edition” would produce more Patreon money for them, or if their funding would run off a cliff.

  • Stupid Wizard

    At least thematic Man of Steel was more interesting than Amazing Spider-Man 2. It’s a far better film, but that isn’t saying much to honest. Zod’s motivations made sense, Harry Osborn’s and Electro’s didn’t. I think a difference between the two films is that Man of Steel had great ideas on paper but the execution in most cases were meh. Amazing Spider-Man 2 was rushed. “Let’s rush things out, let’s get a cool looking villain. We don’t care about him but let’s get a cool looking villain!” Fuck you, Sony. At least WB is trying to do something with their property, not on the same level as Marvel but at least it’s more than what Sony is doing.

    No one is excited for Sinister Six because Amazing Spider-Man 2 sucked and everyone is going to come from OsCorp so fuck origins, why should we care? They should all come from the same damn place. They knew it was bad because the Uncharted movie took the next movie’s release spot. At least they’re giving the spot to something that people have care for.

  • Stupid Wizard

    I think what he means by that is visually it’s his vision.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    But ‘vision’ is all encompassing when you’re a director. It spreads from appearance to costume to how an actor is portrayed. Snyder doesn’t want kryptonite in his universe. He thinks it’s horseshit and doesn’t want it in his films. To me that’s as much his vision of how he wants Superman to be portrayed as it is visually. That’s all.

  • Jason Ross

    Don’t take that tone with me my good man! Now buttle off and tell
    Baron Brunwald that Lord Clarence McDonald and his lovely assistant are here to view the tapestries!

  • Mitchell Taco Nash

    The Lord Clarence McDonald, the namesake of that famous Scottish restaurant?!

  • Palpatine

    If you are Scottish lord, then I am Mickey Mouse!

  • Guest

    I went to this movie so I could masturbate to James Franco’s face, but too bad he was in it for like 2 seconds so I had to finish myself off fast!

  • Stupid Wizard

    Snyder’s bullshit is actually being challenged by the key to his next film, Ben Affleck. See Goyer and Snyder are writing the story but Chris Terrio, who was brought on by Affleck, is writing the screenplay. Goyer can craft a story, but he cannot write a screenplay. Hopefully with help of Affleck, who has two oscars, and Terrio, who has an oscar, he can gives us a solid movie.

  • Domo_Konnichiwa

    Originally I hated the idea of Affleck as Batman, mainly due to his voice, but now I think WB was really smart to hire him aboard, and I wonder if bigger plans/strategies are in play because of Terrio.

    I could completely see Affleck saying “I’ll join, but I want Terrio” to save Aff