Half in the Bag: Battleship and Dark Shadows

May 25, 2012319 Comments

Continuing their journey to the VCR repair shop, Mike and Jay take a break to discuss the latest Hollywood flops Battleship starring Johnny Depp and Dark Shadows starring Rihanna.

Filed in: General UpdatesHalf in the Bag

  • golspie

    A new Red letter Media Review! Thank fuck!

  • Joe_wells32

    I totally agree with your opinion on Battleship being so dumb it’s awesome. Everyone else just seems to hate it.

  • jamesbigbangtheory

    I haven’t watched the episode yet but I’m really hoping for a bad review of Battleship, it looks all kinds of Michael Bayish.

  •  Reversed audio: “Hey, don’t you got anything better to do?”

  • Alisgarten

    The video description says:”
    Battleship starring Johnny Depp and Dark Shadows starring Rihanna.”


  • alnitelong

    Get to some new Plinkett reviews instead of being assholes

  • Skiptastic

    Can you put this up on the RSS feed? I can’t download it if you don’t. 🙁

  • PraoMeta

    C’mon guys Dark Shadows was complete garbage…Eva Green was the lone bright spot, Michelle Pfiefer is a great actress but her and Depp seemed like they weren’t even in the same room for their scenes ZERO chemistry…time to hang em up tim burton before you butcher anything else

  • I can’t hear Thunderstruck without thinking of 

  • debaser

    okay, burton’s movies looks nice but fuck, every one of them looks exactly the same. gothic, depp with a crazy haircut and white skin and of course HBC. so boring.

  • Swmnne1

    Battle Ship sounds kind of amazing. I’ll have to rent it and watch it with some friends in a few months.

  • I can’t hear Thunderstruck without thinking of 

  • me

    I could listen to you guys talk all day. So, get on that.

  • Great episode and epic outro guys !

  • Guess they were just making use of the ‘Action Essentials 2’ stock footage at the end there.

  • Love you guys! 

  • The Asylum has done something incredible. American Battleship actually looks better than the movie it’s ripping off.

  • Most of the mock-busters star C. Thomas Howell. 

  • Cyvaris

    Explosion fatigue….my girlfriend gets that sometimes if you know what I mean.

  • Winn

    I very much enjoyed this episode. Thank you.

  • Adam Cleverley


  • Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was a great movie. I prefer it to the Willy Wonka movie. I know that sets some people off, but I really thought it had a better message, and it stuck to the book more.

  • Rawrmonsters

    I see what you did there

  • ouij

    No beers?  Reversed positions?


  • Volle

    ….talking about digging down to the bottom of the idea barrel, ALF the movie is very possibly going into production soon…..

  • Kingnor

    Cant watch on mobile… Sad face.

  • Oh man I can’t get enough of their screams. Mike, Jay, and the fat guy from gamestation all scream the same way when they are “in pain”.

  • She Fights Like A Girl

    Everything about Mike Stoklasa is funny. Everything.

  • Burton

    Or how about Battleship, this very Patriotic film, ending with CCR’s “Fortunate Son”? Why do that?

  • Detective Fingerling

    Get the Plinkett App.

  • Tom

    I liked Gene Wilder’s Wonka and the kid alot better in the old one, but I liked the songs and tone in the new one better.

  • So really it si more of your own personal biases this time and not just the badness of Transformers with its badness!

  • Viehlipp

    It really is most fun watching “Half In The Bag”, when you’re half in the bag . . . . .
    I’m your biggest fan out there, you fucks. Give me some beer bottles for free goddammit.
    Peez, Viehlipp and shit


  • Dashmaul

    There is a thread on the IMDB message boards saying that Battleship is meant to be seen as an anti war movie. if you watch the movie again with this in mind, the script makes a lot more sense. the aliens never attack first , and only retaliate when absolutely neccesary etc. This also explains the Fortunate Son song at the credits.

  • Max Wylde

    There’s a lot of stuff at the bottom of the barrel.  Just wait; someone will make a Manimal movie.  

  • Since Hollywood is adapting everything now, I’m on the edge of my seat waiting for Michael Bay’s Street Sharks.

  • Tim Burton is a hack…who made what maybe 2 decent movies 20 years ago? 

    And Johnny Depp is a sell out to Disney, and his only acting ability now, is his ability to dress up like he was some sort of girl’s little doll….

    Again a great actor turned into a sellout, his early work shows his true talent.

  • I was actually surprised you guys didn’t pick up on ambiguity of the aliens hostility…

  • cole1114

    I would love to see you guys do reviews for old “so bad they’re good movies” like Judge Dredd.

  • Infinitedongs

    The scenes before and after the reviews are just getting more and more funny. And your reviews are glorious. And Mike’s walk is hilarious.

  • Hey guys i´ve watched all episodes of half in the back and enjoyed every one of them. This is my first comment overall and just for one reason.
    Mike due to the lighting and your growing facial hair it looks like you have a tiny “Hitlerbeard” on your upper lip witch makes me laughing tears 🙂 Haven´t you guys noticed that while editing the Episode? Just curious and again, i am still laughing while writing my comment.
    A German fan, not of the mentioned maniac but of redletter media.

  • Lol


  • Beyondinfinate


  • TheMage

    What’s a rental…

  • Guest

    I am claiming 1st comment status, yep 50 fake comments are before mine. 

  • Hbboldizsar

    Please Mr. Plinkett, if you could heed my call, I’ve sacreficed many hookers in my basement where my Plinkett altar stands in order to ensure the coming of your glorious review. It is coming. It is inevitable, I can feel it beyond Taco Bell salad.

  • I was sooo Hoping you guys would do Battleship!  YES! 

  • tFighterPilot

    His name is Rich Evans, and yeah it’s kinda weird.

  • RoeCocoa

     It’s that thing you do with Netflix, or Red Box if you’re lame.

  • guest

    batman is fine movie it’s very entertaining but it has alot problems like how there is more joker than batman and the fact batman kills almost unforgiveable but as you guys say its not really a timburton movie batman returns is closer but not very good in fact tim should probably stay away from liscence properties

  • Roecocoa

    The Asylum version of War of the Worlds was better than the “real” version in every way except its CGI effects. Seriously, you should watch it, it’s really good.

  • Guest

    OJ’s son murdered those two Mike, OJ was just covering up for him. Or so the news said, just recently…
    And no, I don’t have anything better to do.

  • Guest

    Oh, fuck! I completely forgot about Street Sharks. That show was fantastic.

  • Moira

    The Half in the Bag Drinking Game:

    Drink every time there’s a list of three things, drink two more drinks if the third item on the  list is absurd.
    Drink every time there’s the sound of glass breaking.
    Drink every time either mike or jay drink (beer or water doesn’t matter).
    Drink every time they come to a consensus on a film, take another drink if they disagree.
    Take a little drink every time there’s an allusion to pedophilia.
    Take two drinks if there’s a guest star.
    Take two drinks if there’s a reference to George Lucas or Star Wars.
    Finish your drink every time someone is killed.
    every time they reference themselves making movies, take two more
    drinks if they end what they said with “as VCR repair men”.
    Drink every time plinkett gets out of his wheelchair and starts walking around.
    Take two drinks if a film they are reviewing you haven’t heard of beforehand.
    Drink every time Mike or Jay walk in place, take another drink if it makes you laugh.

  • NAH


  • Guest

    Ha, my dad is so dumb he always goes for the mockbusters!

  • Guest

     I could watch the original more, new one’s boring

  • pangtangtitty

    hey, folks gotta make a living. you had to wait like a minute. plus this shit is free. so fuck off

  • pangtangtitty

    did you guys write Battleship starring Johnny Depp and Dark Shadows starring Rihanna.
    as a joke just for fun? sometimes i cant tell with you two

  • Robby

    I love you guys. The two mock promos for Battleship were amazing.

    “Less painful than you would expect!”
    -Mike Stoklasa

  • Guest

    You two look overly happy and successful now. Bring back the angst and bitterness and disappointment so I can relate better. 

  • Guest

    Batman ushered in fifteen years of poorly lit movies.

  • Fatpie42

    Quick correction: Nightmare Before Christmas isn’t a Tim Burton movie. Sure, he created the story (though not the final script it should be noted), but the director was Henry Selick (who went on to make “Coraline” which has absolutely no Tim Burton connection whatsoever).

  • That scream at the beginning of the clips had me rolling.

  • mtr4216

    I am currently playing

  • Trentonmarbon


    Ads during the show now?

    Space Cop better be the greatest movie ever, you fucking pricks.

  • Shureshot24


  • Crosko23

    I’m surprised that you could have such praise for Avengers (full of explosions and summer blockbuster cliches, terrible dialogue, a lot like transformer movies, would’ve been better at 90min, Scarlett Johansson) and then be back to your old selves hating Battleship for doing the same, just without costumed heroes wasting 45 min wingeing.

  • Rongkai

    I couldnt enjoy Battleship. The only “dumb until it was funny” part is the veteran scenes and watching them try to act, it had me laughing like a maniac.

    Not worth enduring the other agonising 2 and half hours. Just watch a clip on youtube or something.

  • Guest

     The devil’s in the details as they say. Also, if you can’t understand the difference between the execution of The Avengers and the execution of Battleship, then you should probably stop watching movies all together.

  • ann rain

     Yeah, Crosko23 is a dumb ass!

  • ann rain

    I think Mike liked Battleship because it flopped and nobody likes it = Awesome to Mike! lolz

  • ann rain

     NAH is such a dumbass!!!

  • ann rain

     You watch the Big Bang Theory so you know must know a lot about dumb crap.

  • Frackenshlacken

    Hey subject 603-IDIOT, a sell out is someone who sacrifices their artistic integrity for money and fame.

    This is two fucking commercials on a free web video, surely more than enough time for you to jerk it to a picture of a 40 year old woman in pajamas in the online Sears catalog.

  • Leicabot

    I see that you guys mirrored your shot @ 0:24s. :).

  • Mid video ads… I am so close to abandoning RLM…

  • Guest


  • Guest

    So Dark Shadows doesnt’ go anywhere and is a product? And what about the Avengers? Is it an art film, full of consequences? I say both films are products, but Dark Shadows, although clumsy from a more bureocratic point of view, at least has a thread to follow, one that I couldn’t find in The Avengers. Don’t get me wrong. I thought The Avengers was a cute little movie, full of action figures and even more predictable than Avatar, although also more enjoyable than Avatar (I didn’t even need to watch the Avengers trailer to know the entire movie beforehand), but people are blowing this out of proportion. I’d like to know why your parameters change from film to film, and something that is pointed out as a mistake in one movie is not a mistake in another movie. Huuummmm… is it because you like one of them and are biased against the other? I can see you’re biased against Tim Burton, very clearly.

  • Guest

    I think the magic word here is “works”. You can get away with anything in a movie as long as it “works”. For example The Avengers doesn’t need a complex plot, but in a family drama/comedy it might be needed. Of course this differs from person to person and what they look for in a movie.
    Their standards don’t change and you can see kind of what things they look for, but they judge a movie on his own terms.

  • DanceK

    I have to hand it to you, Jay. Your acting has improved enormously since the first Half in the Bag.

  • S G

     It’s about expectations/potential. Avengers is a popcorn-flick by design. After all: it’s based on a comic book that features a flying man in a metal-suit and a norse god with a secret human identity and a winged helmet. You don’t expect anything deep or revolutionary there (expect in the FX-department). But: I’d expect a bit more from the pairing of Tim Burton and Johnny Depp. I may be expecting too much, but I’d say Ed Wood should be the yardstick of what these guys can achieve when they’re collaborating.
    As far as bias against Tim Burton goes: Why is it bias to point out that you haven’t liked any of his movies in ages? While I don’t agree completely (I really like Sleepy Hollow for instance), I do think they’re right about that tendency: He really has made a habit out of taking existing material and turning it into a “Tim Burton-looking” film. You know: Throw in Johnny Depp, Helena, some stripy socks and pale make-up, and you’re done. I’d love to see him do something more original (story-wise) *and* dialling back on his visual trademark-elements. Kinda like what he did with Ed Wood.

  • David Martin

    This is the best and funniest fucking show on the internet. Still not a single bad episode!

  • David Martin

    Perish the thought you have to watch an ad break! What the fuck is it with people and their grossly swollen sense of entitlement. The show is free and top-quality entertainment, fuck off and stop watching then, no one needs you lol.

  • Guest

    Have you already abandoned ever watching television or listening to the radio? You do realize that ads are what allow people to continue to afford to create the content you enjoy, right? Have fun working at Taco Bell.

  • Guest

    Did you really end that paragraph saying “is it because you like one of them?” Gee, yeah I wonder if they gave a movie a positive review because they liked it. You’re a fucking idiot.

  • Boo

    I hope Mike and Jay don’t actually read all the comments posted here. Most of the people that leave them appear to be morons lol

  • M_grieve

    You guys forgot about Edward Scissorhands, my second favorite TB movie outside of Ed Wood. Original, dark, gothic, funny but with a very serene sadness at it’s core. I love that movie…

  • MatthewMelange

    Oh, you guys didn’t have the “directed by” part of your credits

  • Guest

    Well, your opinion is that, your opinion. I can not tell you if youre right or wrong.

    my feelings are this though.

    as a audience member for the show HITB, I feel let down because you broke your precedence for movies like these. As a audience member I have come to expect your opinions to be X and then enjoy how you explain X but in this review you went with Y.

    Like I said before your experience, opinions are of course your own, I was taken aback by how you had praise for a certain type of movie.

    Are you now getting paid by the studios?

  • Guest

    You know they’re just a couple of guys talking about movies on the internet right? If their thoughts on a movie shatters your worldview, then you must have a pretty empty life.

  • Guest

     never once did i allude to my world view being shattered.

    i guess i used to many big words and ideals for you to get the message clearly.

    so ill dumb it down.

    Mike and Jay have opinions.

    I have opinions.

    Mike and Jay have expectations for movies.

    I have expectations for movies.

    Mike and Jay get let down by movies.

    I get let down by movies.

    To further help you out,

    “You know they’re just a couple of guys talking about movies on the internet right?”

    Thank you for pointing that out, I missed that fact.

    Since you so elegantly pointed that out, then this becomes a show, a piece of entertainment, much like a movie.

    so ill help you out again,

    Mike and Jay have opinions.

    I have opinions.

    Mike and Jay have expectations for movies.

    I have expectations for movies.

    Mike and Jay get let down by movies.

    I get let down by movies.

    but your right, my world view is completely ruined, i just read USA today, there apparently is a war in the middle east. When did this happen?
    Did you ever hear of a place called Vietnam? My dad said he went there and got in a fight with a guy named charlie.
    I had soup from Vietnam one time, it was called pho, it was so good I could never imagine a military superpower fighting in a country that makes such good soup!
    Oh god! I just saw the film called Loose Change! did you know that New York got attacked, oh my!!
    My world view! what happened to it????
    Oh god, my perceptions!

    Waiiiiit there is more! there is this thing called the internet, where people honor and respect others opinions.

    Waiiiit the only opinion that matters is yours, and you must show how youre dominant over every one else.

    Oh my world view! come back to me!!!

    My life is so empty!!

  • Si7i

     dear god what the fuck are you talking about??? take your meds

  • Bigbang


  • Boo

     They found things to like in a movie that you didn’t. So fucking what?

  • FuckYouMatthew

    A 30-minute episode for the price of two 15-30 second ads. That’s about 30 seconds of show for every second of ad, this is assuming both ads are 30 seconds long (the ones I watched were 15 seconds long)… Honestly, you’re a whiny little shit who should pull the stick out of his ass. Unless it isn’t a stick that’s up your ass and you have an asshole the size of your head.

    Just be thankful you have access to the internet and a meal on your table and leave the complaining up to people who actually have real problems… Bitch.

  • Hi there, Mike! Hi there, Jake! This is the first time I leave a comment here, and I’d like to say, first of all, that I really enjoy your video reviews. They leave more room for thinking while you’re talking, as you seem to have no hurry to express your opinions and points of view, and they seem to be coming from a place, not just from being grumpy, as I feel most critics are these days. Talking about this particular episode, I really liked Dark Shadows, (I’m not blind to its flaws, though) and I had a feeling you guys wouldn’t like it. This part of the review wasn’t as funny as the one on Battleship, but it was just as interesting. Do you guys have any plan of reviewing a Brazilian film? I ask you because I am Brazilian. Have you ever seen a film from my country? We have some great ones and some unbelievably terrible ones that I’m sure you’d love! Well, gotta go. Keep up the great work!

  • Tiptoed around the “Am I perverted for thinking Chloe Moretz is hot?” thing..  btw she is

  •  Sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hi, JAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where the hell did I take JAKE from?????????????????????? Somebody is fucking with my medication!!!!!!

  • wtf bro why 2 advertisement for 1 video! 

  • Within Reason

    Oh, shut up.

  • Urtiga

    The good or bad criticism, during the show are not an mandatory order, it is not “Execute the Half in the Bag 66” stop watching every movie because they did not like.

    I’m sure they do not receive money from the studios, by the way, the visceral type of criticism here, it hardly applies for example, in the course of journalism. If you focus on the entertainment industry as a way of life, without starving.

    Battleship is horrible, I agree with the sarcasm and criticism completely. It seems that the Lucas Films, the effects division (ILM), only recycle the  effects of Transformers and Red Tails, and sell to the  director of Battleship.

    Regarding about Tim Burton, someone had a chance to see the book, dvd, from the movie “Alice in Wonderland” here? an expensive book, with pendrive in form of a key, large photos.. is like the box of the game Diablo 3, with book, dvd, pendrive in form of a crystal, the head of Diablo… in short, cash!

    Tim Burton today, is about make things visually nice for consumption, profitable to the next line of action figures, books, etc.. Over the past 10 years he has not released  a new vision.

    Today is the consumer way, everything for create a more profitable product. The movie sux? well, the videogame is awesome, etc.

  • Fat Homo Room Trashing

    Why would aliens send more ships if the first ones never even contacted them after coming to Earth?  They would think the first wave got crushed and stay away.
    “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure” is a great movie that makes mw Phil Hartman, who co-wrote it.

  • Fat Homo Room Trashing

    mw meant “me miss”.   mw the right keys.

  • Dravinian

    Can I just say, adverts in the middle of it….that is annoying, and it have an impact on my returning to the site.  I love you guys, but I hate being irritated even more.
    You whine on about the irritating factor of the Transformers movies, but fail to realise that your own site is recreating that exact feeling in your fan base?  Adverts yes, adverts that interrupt that review…no.

  • Suspiro

    Google Chrome + AdBlock – no ads here.

  • benjamin

    i want one of those head devices 

  • benjamin

    good show as always guys 

  • guest

    oh relax. They put out a product you enjoy and they are trying to get funding for a project. Is sitting through an extra 30 seconds really that off-putting for you?

  • Guest

     yes, yes it is.

  • Sheik Yerbouti

    The only reason people didn’t like Dark Shadows is because they’re probably too young to remember the soap opera and were upset that Barnabas didn’t sparkle.

    I thought the HITB review was spot on.  Great characters, great visuals, great performances, silly and rather convoluted story (like any good soap opera).

    I have not seen Battleship yet.

  • KHMac

    You don’t have to get into the science of it to explain why the film Battleship is  ridiculous.  How about that the US Navy hasn’t had active battleships in their navy for over 20 years.

  • ann rain

     Just download it with a stream download program. There are plenty free ones on the web, just search download youtube videos and they work for the stream site HITB uses. I started doing this because the videos don’t load properly for me from blip.

  • ann rain

     Dude has schizophrenia me thinks.

  • “Less painful than you expect!” is singlehandedly the best review quote I’ve ever seen poorly photoshopped onto a poster… ever. 

  • Guest

     Then you should probably stop watching any media in any format.

    Or grow up.

  • Guest

    ad blocker plus, it works for me.

  • Guest

    ^ha, they didn’t get it!

  • Guest

     Whining about free video reviews.  I bet you don’t even donate to their site.

  • I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the battleship was NOT named after Led Zeppelin’s bassist.

  • “So I’m fighting with my insurance company to get breast reduction surgery, but they won’t do it because I’m not a lady. Well shit, I got bigger tits than Miley Ray Cyrus and I seen hers on an Internet porno site” -Mike

  • Guest

    I like how they enter through a glass door hinged on their right hand that turns into a solid door that’s hinged on their left.

  • Dvweb

    You know if you play what plinkett says I the opening backwards it says what his next review will be.

  • Mr Bubbles

    I’m not gonna lie, I was expecting a reference to the next Plinkett review at the end

  • dickturd

    a couple of beguiling movies.

  • Bronilex

    I love all this- but remember next time you question the logic of casting and production, you have a faux plinket when the real guy is there!!

  • Guest

     You’re an idiot.

  • Gregg

    “Battleship starring Johnny

    “Dark Shadows starring Rihanna.”

  •  I wasn’t really expecting it, but now that you mentioned, Mr. Bubbles, that would have been GREAT!

  • So the last giant alien ship was shot to pieces and the bubble shield  collapsed. Seeing that opening, the Admiral immediately ordered for every plane on the carrier to be launched into the fray.

    OK, nothing weird about that…except

    He was on the flight deck and shouting those orders on a noisy place with no one near him. Shouldn’t he be on the bridge or the CIS if he wanted to give that order quickly to everyone? What business does he has to be on the flight deck anyway?

  • KC1287

    Although I agree with most of the review, I wholeheartedly disagree with the way you criticize the real life veterans in the movie.  They were cast as a tribute to American Veterans who have sacrificed much for this country, including your right to provide a critique.  You should put on a uniform and make a meaningful sacrifice for this nation that has provided for you and your family a way of life unlike any other country could.

  • Guest

     They’re not making fun of vets, they’re making fun of bad acting. Should they never mention if a female gives a bad performance because that would be considered sexist?

  • Robby

    Yes, he is.

  • Lort

     Criticizing women is part of our way of life, even though without them we wouldn’t have one.

  • Guest

    are you Grandpa Simpson

  • AstralWang

     I know! It totally ruined the immersion!

  • Guest

     No, that’s not how it works. If we killed a bunch of their fellow aliens, the likely large amount of surviving aliens wouldn’t just say “Oh well, guess we’re just gonna forget about all that.”. That’s really stupid.

  • Guest

     Because it’s a huge video. Typical Youtube videos come with a 15-30 second advertisement than maybe four minutes of video (and they buffer much slower there). Typical good videos, that is. There are plenty of shitty ones that come without ads.

  • Desert

     What morons liked this comment?
    “Waiiiiit there is more! there is this thing called the internet, where people honor and respect others opinions.”
    Are you insane? “…where people honor and respect others opinions.” No they don’t. That’s the dumbest thing in your entire post. By the way, you still didn’t explain why you were disappointed in their opinion. I’m just guessing you were mad they praised Battleship for being funny and recommending it despite it being awful. They made it pretty clear that it was a dumb action movie, and that you should only see it if you really want action or if you want to laugh at the awful script.

  • Guest

     No. There’s an excess of that shit. I enjoyed the early episodes as well, but the less strife and depression I have to deal with in a comical internet review show, the better.

  • The Nightmare Before Christmas isn’t a Tim Burton movie. It’s a Henrick Selick Film. Tim Burton wrote the original poem it was based on and did some character design. Represent motherfuckers!

  • He actually says “Hey, don’t you got anything better to do?”.  That’s right. I went through the trouble of actually reversing the audio. Was really disappointed there were no clues about the next Plinkett review.

  • I saw Dark Shadows with my family, and one thing I can say was that it was definitely not a 12a.  There were two sex scenes and a fair bit of blood, and theoretically a child of any age could go and see this film.  The teenieboppers surrounding us certainly couldn’t handle it, going into fits of giggles whenever anything vaguely sexual came up, as well as talking throughout, whooping and hollering and farting.  It seems to me that the BBFC were pressured into giving this film a rating roughly equivalent to what the MPAA gave it, which I assume was a PG-13 in order to let the 14-year-old girls who make up the primary audience for Burton, Depp and Carter Movies go and see it.
    The film was 5 years of TV show compressed into 2 hours of film, and it shows.  Plot threads came up for ten minutes then hid quietly away again – the Barnabas/Nanny love angle got all of what, two scenes to develop?  The whole porcelain witch thing got no explanation, and that ridiculous plot point with the daughter right at the very end was just abysmal, almost as much as Alice Cooper’s appearance.
    Depp’s performance (and neckwear) was by far the best aspect of this film, though I preferred his brief appearance in 21 Jump Street.  What was really strange, though, and perhaps this was because we arrived late and had to sit on some bean bags at the front of the seats, straining our necks, was the first shot of the Collins daughter.  The low angle and skirt combined to create a very voyeuristic feeling – I felt like a paparazzo for ‘Kid-Fuckers Weekly’, trying to get an upskirt shot of a girl stepping out of a Fisher Price car.

  • Kang

    You don’t mention that the aliens in question are hostile invaders looking to conquer our planet.  They probably don’t place much value on life, and seem like the sort that respect brute force over diplomacy.  This is because they’re special effects passed off as characters, with no depth.
    You know.  Stupid. 

  • You guys are getting soft.  Come on and hate on a movie already.

    “The only people I can see hating this movie are like, I dunno, movie snobs?”  Brilliant.

  • They’re still shitty actors. That was their point.

  • GuyintheHat

    I don’t mean to defend the movie, but that’s why the vets are the ones that man the only functional Battleship at the end of the film. Still stupid but at least the film acknowledges the fact that the Battleship has been out of service. 

  • Bj12

     You’re mis-quoting. He’s talking about the type of audience these types of movies appeal to, not who will like this specific one. That’s a big difference.

    Also, I find it a breath of fresh air that they aren’t just filled with hate and anger for every movie. There’s way too much of that negativity online.

  • Kittywuvhcn

    You stupid bitch. Its not the paying tribute that is wrong, its the way they go about it. The film makers created such a disastrous scene it made the veterans look like assholes. If anything the film makers should be blamed.

    If i offered to pay tribute to your dead grandma during her funeral by hiring a gay clown to go piss on her corpse would that be ok because i was just trying to “pay tribute”?

  • I think Mike and Jay summed up Tim Burton’s movie career since he started doing only remakes perfectly. Although I think Big Fish was original? Or was it based off of something? Regardless, his remakes are basically just him putting his Burton visual style into it, without them having any other substance to hold them up as a solid film. 

    For instance, I had such high hopes for Alice in Wonderland since it was a story I loved so much as a kid, and I thought maybe, just maybe Tim Burton could redeem himself and make it a good film, but nope. Huge disappointment.

    It’s a shame because some of my favorite films from the 90s are Burton films.

    It will be interesting to see if his next film, Frankenweenie, a stop motion film, based off of Frankenweenie, a live action short Burton did in 84. SO yes, another remake, but maybe it’ll be good…

  • i want to know the name of that website he was looking at

  • Guest

     Someone should go through the trouble of producing the poster and stealthily swapping it for the official one at a movie theater.

  • Jay’s dialogue and opinions are getting better every week!

  • aisbauer

     Actually, this is the only webzone where I’m not using AdBlock.

  • ILM – Irrational Labor Machine

    People say – lack of respect with the veterans in the review? no way!

    The real lack of respect with the veterans, is invites them to act in a movie, just making video game shit… i think Battleship is the worst movie of 2012. In resume, Avatar is a grotesque caricature of the modern military, Battleship a caricature more dumb.

    Fuck… how much time with stupid movies? is not more a decade with some shit, and good stuff, now i think is a millenium of garbage.. my favorite directors start recycle her own stuff, to relaunch as “new”.

    This torment never ends.

  • Wasn’t the TV series in the late sixties? So, you’d be pushing 60 yourself to remember the show?

  • Waaait… these guys are trying to pay their bills?! Those scum bags!

  • Boo

     Jesus Christ I hate fucking entitled idiots like you. I know you think you’re clever for pointing out some sort of hypocrisy in their use of advertising, but you have no clue what you’re talking about. How is having an advertisement in the middle of their video the same as horrible out-of-place product placement in a film? I guess you never watch television or listen to the radio either, right? Why should the people who create content you admit to loving be allowed to make money so they can afford to create MORE content for you?

    You’re an idiot.

  • Guest

    go home you nazi, people in uniform are murderers and rapist especially WW2 soldiers …

  • Eagle

     Why do you hate the troops?

  • “The trouble”? Took me two minutes.

  • Ricky

    Yeeeeeaaaahhhh SPLOSIONS be fun

  • ~~ HeY HeY you can MAKE $$$$ for Have Good Woman every TIME ~~  My FRIEND got RICH in 3 Days BeCaUsE HE saw Bernie ~  haVe 2 SAY it waS LinkLATER’s beSt WORK in $ Years $ ! ! ! ! LooKed LIKE the Typical Run of the Mill ‘darK ComedY about A moRticiaN’ and ! ! ! ~~~~~  ~ ~ jAcK Black’s shTICK is PrettY TIRED at This POINT but ! ! ! ! HoNeSStly the FILM is amaZing ~ ~ ~ $$$$

  • You missed my point, BJ, though I am happy that a literate person responded to me.

    I think that what made them amazing in the first place is the stringent criticism they had; Mike Stoklasa giving a “See-it!” review to a piece-of-shit schlockfest like Battleship?  

  • cajaquarius

    I like how the two guys hide in a room that has a garage type door that, according to the scene before it, was facing an alley too small to make use of it. 

  • I’ve also cried myself on Battleship. The scene with veterans walking towards camera in slow motion is just hilarious.

  • Sharktopus!

    They also open a glass door and close a metal one.

    “It’s a kind of magic.” – Highlander

  • Guest

    Yeah mang, why people gotta hate on dem vets mang. Dey da shit. Dis country aint free, if you want to have an opinion, go somewhere else you hataz.

  • Kyle_delaney

    Does anyone know what Plinkett was saying backwards at the beginning? It sounded like the last word was “Ya” meaning forwards the first word would be “I”.

  • Jacques

     Get a life. -Your mom

  • Luke

    Mike and Jay’s IQ levels were lowered 50 points when they put on the helmets and received the Battleship and Dark Shadows transmission.

  • Hold on. You professional film reviewer guys think “The Brady Bunch” was bigger than “Dark Shadows” in its time? Homework people, homework. In terms of intellectual weight, the former barely registered on the culture and the only reason a remake of “The Brady Bunch” might earn more than this film is because it fit a more low brow aesthetic. Than again, Twilight was a low brow politically correct remake of Dark Shadows.

    Why would professional film reviewers not take the time to watch a few episodes of the original series and 1970 spinoff movie on Netflix? I don’t get that. And “based on some gd soap opera”? You gotta be kidding. Boys, including Depp, would run home from school and watch this with their baseball bats and gloves before going out to play ball. Technically it was a soap and it didn’t go “all in” with the supernatural theme until episode 205 (the heartbeat coming out of the Barnabas painting), but the idea of an American vampire was brand new back then and, because it seemed to be taped live like a reality show, those coffins in the mausoleum were deemed real by the public. It’s too bad if a new generation has grown sick of all the Barnabas ripoffs like Twilight and Vampire Diaries before seeing the original American icon.15 million Americans still think in the back of their minds that Collinsport, ME exists and the mausoleum at Eagle Point Cemetery still at least houses the coffins of Sarah, Naomi and Joshua Collins (sister, mother and father of Barnabas).This Depp movie was non-stop Inside Jokes. You really had to be familiar with the gist of the original material to get a lot of it and there’s nothing wrong with that. It made the movie better. You probably didn’t get why the girl on the train said “My name is Maggie Evans…I mean Victoria, Victoria Winters”. That’s because the actresses in the soaps kept getting preggers and quitting.The series was all over the place and made up as it went along. They didn’t have tape editing back then so bloopers were shown as if it was a live performance…which made the story seem that much more real.Angelique was invented in episode 368 (after viewers would have watched 134 hours of the show). And between Marsha Brady and Angelique, no contest for male viewers. That witch had men mesmerized and still does. The original Angelique, Lara Parker, is over 60 now but she’s better looking in 2012 than any actress I know of today.So you have to give credit to Burton for reducing 612.5 hours of cult status material into 90 minutes and adding a fun “remember the 70s” parallel theme while spoofing the original material.And you used that “Top of the World” sequence with “Come out tiny songstress” as a way of panning the film? Are you serious? That sequence was alone worth the price of 3 admission tickets as I saw it in 3 languages. Of course, you had to appreciate the way the Carpenters once dominated the charts and maybe know how Karen Carpenter died of anorexia after that.You guys just made me want to see Battleship after all. If you missed the mark on Dark Shadows, maybe you missed it on the other one. =)It’s OK to be cynical in reviewing movies but please know enough to compare the original source material.Speaking of that, the first movie with the cast of the TV series was a bomb that killed the series because they stupidly had Barnabas killed by a nobody, whom the nanny didn’t love, with a stake through his heart. The producers foolishly thought the audience would identify with the personality-free dude because he had a pulse.

    The new movie wasn’t as politically correct as the first one. 

  • Guest

    And you call yourself a fan.

  • Prittirose

     Big Fish was based of a book. It was one of the rare instances that the movie was better. Way better.

  • Boo

    Too long, dude. Way too fucking long. If you have this much to say on the matter, you should probably start your own website instead of cluttering up another’s comment section. But a couple of things:

    1.  They’re NOT professional film reviewers.

    2. The Brady Bunch IS more well-known to a mainstream audience than Dark Shadows

    3. Nobody should have to “study up” on source material in order to see and enjoy a film that’s based on something else.

    4. A person’s OPINION on a film can’t “miss the mark.”

    5. You’re a fool.

  • misterT0AST

    Fighting for your country doesn’t make you a good film actor.
    Just like discovering a cure for cancer doesn’t make you a good tap dancer.
    It’s apples and oranges.

  • Battletits the Dark Boring

    zzzz….. wait! what?

  • CudeQuem?

    I’ve been sleeping in every film… no more $ for this.

  • In its time, the Brady Bunch may have been 8PM Fridays with Dark Shadows on at 4PM Eastern Monday through Friday, but both were solid mainstream hits along with “The Partridge Family” and “Columbo” and apparently the former got marketed better than the others to a new generation. Money and a good PR agency will do that. Columbo should be well known enough these days. If the Brady Bunch is better known than that, we’re all in trouble. =)
    Anyway, I meant the above in fun and didn’t mean to personally insult Brady Bunch fans (or, for that matter, anyone who would have preferred to see flying super heroes last weekend) nor would I go so far as to say “You’re a fool” to those who aren’t interested in hopping on Netflix to see at least one episode of the original even though the original Angelique rocked. Check out episode 368. You won’t be disappointed.

  • Gamegod1990

    Mike started off by being the funny weird one with Jay acting more of a normal person. Now Mike has fallen so deep into Flandardizing himself that he’s barely a coherent person. I think Mike thinks it’s funny. But his on screen character is getting out of control in terms of full on retardation that I’m worried I wont think it’s funny anymore soon

    http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/remarks.php?trope=Main.Flanderization (What Flandarizing is)

  • Gamegod1990


    http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Flanderization (correct link for Flanderization.)

  • Tim

    How do you guys feel about “Big Fish”?

  • Boooooo

     Oh no, you might not find Mike funny any more! I’m sure everyone else that visits this site is incredibly concerned about what you specifically find funny!

  • Reimball

    Why are your ears so red?  Is it due to
    actual alcohol?

  • Reimball

    Three stooges review. BTW 

  • Catttt

    The last original live action Tim Burton movie was Edward Scissorhands, that was more than 20 years ago. 

  • Hafabee

    Good reviews I love watching you guys you’re hilarious, can’t wait for Prometheus, both to see it and it to see RLM’s review of it!

  • Caiden

    No offense, but it’s hard to imagine the type of boys who would race home to watch Dark Shadows also liked to play baseball.  I saw a few episodes YEARS ago, and while my memory may be spotty I remember it being extremely low budget, like a Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie.

      Inside jokes are fine, but a good movie is more then inside jokes.   As large as the fan base for DS is, it’s tiny compared to the rest of the Western world.  So a joke a few thousand would get and millions missed isn’t really a selling point.  “You got to see this it has references noone will get!  You wont know when they’re being made or why they’re funny!”

      The movie is seperate from the series.  Throw in some nods and winks, sure, that’s expected.  But it’s stupid to think millions of people are going to have to watch a few years worth of an old low budget 70s soap opera just to enjoy a 2 hour movie.

  • Caiden

    That’s the only reason?   Everyone who went to see the movie and didn’t like it were 16 year old girls?  What about people not born in the 50s to watch a crudey soap opera during the 60s or people not born in the 90s? 

         What about people who hate Twilight, aren’t we allowed to realize Burton is now a soulless hack turning out the same pale gothic cloths wearing protaganist movie after movie after movie?  Can’t we look at Dark Shadows and say “Bullshit”?

  • CB

     Who cares about “in its time”?  Today — or rather the time period encompassing both the Brady Bunch and Dark Shadows movies — which do you think is more widely recognized in pop culture?  That’s right, the Brady Bunch by a landslide.  [If you said Dark Shadows then try again until the previous sentence makes sense] 

    And in-jokes are nice for fans of the original, but that example you gave about the girl changing her name (in the movie, because she was running from her past) as a reference to how the actress playing the character changed?  THAT’S NOT A JOKE, IN- OR OTHERWISE.  It’s just a reference to something that happened that you recognize.  Just like “Hey, lava lamps existed!  How kitschy were they?” is not a joke no matter how many of them decorated your dorm room.  That was the big problem with this movie once you get past the incoherent mess of tonal whiplash.  “Jokes” that weren’t in fact jokes.

    But I’ll give the benefit of the doubt and assume that had I been a fan of Dark Shadows, I would have been able to appreciate at least a few of the Inside Actual-Jokes-Not-Just-References that slipped past me, perhaps *quadrupaling* the amount of humor in the movie from “virtually non-existent” to “anemic”. 

  • As a matter of fact, Depp and a generation of young males, from the most popular to the nerds, did race home to see the hot women on the show running away from werewolves and vampires. And it was like a reality show so it didn’t come across as third rate and more than the show “Survivor” was panned for it’s flaws in 2000. Everyone knew it was practically taped live so there would be bloopers. Hey, they were human, and it was the child actors who made the most mistakes.

    It came across like Collinwood and its graveyard existed.The show was cool like the movie “Kelly’s Heroes” was (one of the better World War Two films) and 15 million were watching every day for about two of the five years of the show.And The Brady Bunch was considered a girly show (boys watched that because Marsha was pretty and Jan wasn’t so bad herself as she got older). Nonetheless, it wasn’t cool either than nor now for a boy to say he liked the Brady Bunch. =)Yes, I agree that the Dark Shadows movie was separate from the series and I was sticking up for the series mostly. And this all isn’t that serious a subject. My friendly shout out to the reviewers above was based on their reference to a “GD soap opera” they’d never heard of and that they incorrectly judged had not been as much or more culturally influential than the Brady Bunch, the girly show boys wouldn’t admit to watching at the time.
    The other reviewers I rebutted all agreed with me that they should have seen an episode or two of the original before seeing or reviewing this.Dark Shadows, with its first American vampire, probably influenced Buffy, Twilight and the other American vampire spinoffs.Now regarding the 15 million who watched Dark Shadows: Even at companies, people were sneaking in their old TV sets to surreptiously turn on Dark Shadows at 16:00 to 16:30.So the new film wasn’t aimed at “a few thousand”. It just wasn’t aimed at Millennials apparently.Yes, there were more references than jokes.

  • “More widely recognized didn’t influence me to see the remake of “The Brady Bunch” and I think the lasting cultural influence of that show was that, whenever we meet a woman named Marsha, someone tries to imitate Jan by repeating Marsha’s name three times. =) Dark Shadows at least spawned Buffy and Twilight which were inferior to it despite their higher budgets (and ability to shoot more than one take) but all of which are more widely recognized in (and influential on) popular culture than The Brady Bunch. Of all the shows I just mentioned, DS was the only one that males would admit to watching. It actually tried to appeal to guys.

  • guest

    at 24:15 (h.b.c blowjob) um . . .as hot as that sounds, that seems a little bit too adult for a movie selling itself as a goofy comedy

  • MatthewMelange

    I think it’s funny that you guys walk through a glass door but in the next scene the door is solid

  • Malvert

    Maybe it would be interesting to add some retro spin-off where you would talk about some old classic movies and how you see them now. I mean of course I would love to see Plinkett reviews of The Matrix sequels but I would like to know you opinion about the first movie as well. You talked about Rocketeer in Captain America episode but you were only scratching the surface with old Tim Burton movies in this episode.

  • Steven Cross

    Regarding Battleships I saw it and yeah its dumb but its a really enjoyable dumb.  I’m ex navy and I was chuckling away when I saw them get the Iowa back in action in a hour with several dozen people and fight its armament and get the machinery working, pure handwaivium.

    But if you’re going to see this kind of movie and expect it to be realistic, you’re either very dumb or very hopeful.  Its like going to see Doom at the cinema and expecting it to have a deep, thoughtful storyline and well written plot.  Its doom, its not going to have one. Now sit down and enjoy the dumb acting and ‘splosions.

    I’m also English. What the hell’s Dark Shadows?

  • Viehlipp

    True word spoken!!!
    And that was a nice one.

  • CarlinWasRight

    The Matrix sequels were so bad that I’ve already forgotten them. The
    Start Wars prequels were so bad that it is hard to look at Yoda or Vader, in any context, anymore without thinking of the prequels. Or for
    that matter, Chewbacca in Taco Bell commercials, and so on

    So no, don’t waste your time on putting together a Matrix review – the movies are forgettable shit and are already long gone

  • Dinga

    Today, has become a strong negative, pay to watch crap. That’s the point.

  • Brendan_cathcart

    i thought Big Fish was the last good tim burton film. nice to see a movie that isn’t monochromatic come from his camera. i doubt we will see much worth from him ever again.

  • Holy Shit! A SEPTERRA CORE refernece!

  • Plisket

     Boy did I miss something from that movie, everyone who told me to watch it said it was fantastic, I was bored to tears, and I like movies that aren`t filled with action too, I loved the straight story, so I`m not sure what I missed with this one

  • Plistek

    What was that reaction a little after 27:28?

  • Factualnatural

    Well George Lucas retired today, I’m sure you guys had nothing to do with it.

  • Becky

    i have to say that i found battleship to be hilarious.  my husband and i were laughing our asses off when the remaining navy captained by taylor kitsch shows up at the USS Missouri with women and the Japanese captain.  i almost pissed myself laughing and i said, “what, is this the USS Tolerance?” 

  • Film

    lol, you must not have a life to post multi-page rants, multiple times which few people will ever see..

  • Case Stigman

    I love Red Letter Media but I wish the guy posing as Plinkett would work a little harder :

  • Dinga

    ILM continues its legacy X)

  • Guest

    You haven’t watched The Grabowskis.

  • Guest

     You haven’t met the Brady Bunch fanclub, that’s just how things are today. I know one person who knows of Dark Shadows. I’ve seen zero episodes of the Brady Bunch, yet I know it exists and so does everybody else. It just -is- more well known. If 15 million Americans today know of Dark Shadows, something like 180 million probably know about the Brady Bunch, even if they’ve never watched it.

  • Guest

    Battle: Los Angeles then Battleship? WTF?

  • Did you just compare Battleship to Pieces? o_O The latter one is pure campy geniousness, Battleship mostly meh-rated. Thanks about the Asylum tip, American Battleship seems worth seeing!

  • Guesto

    Why is it that whenever they make an inside-outside transition, the doors NEVER ever match up? Plinkett’s house doesn’t have a brick wall on the front porch, and the glass door they open in this review turns into a metal one when inside!

    It’s craaaazy!

  • thomas040

    is there a way to subscribe to the “half in the bag” show?? i keep refreshing the page numerous times a day, just to see if the new one is up yet… and what is the usual cycle? 2-3 weeks? Can’t you make some more money on ads, so you can churn out an episode a week?

    I FREAKING love this show!!! to death… keep it up guys. you are awesome….

  • LOL !

  • The_house_guest

    Touching and witty as always. I think you guys are at your best when breaking down movies that are a hot mess. That being said, I think you need to review “What to expect when you are expecting”. It’s the Citizen Kane of pregnancy comedies. 

  • DarthVaderHappyMeal

    Thoroughly enjoyed your review of
    “Battleship” and “Dark Shadows.”  Sorry I’m late with a comment but I was
    trying to think of something funny to say. 
    At last I found something – here goes: 
    “This super intelligent alien walks into a bar with his pet giraffe
    and  …,” ah, hell !,… it’s so late
    no one’s left to read these comments anymore.

  • stephen carrillo

    I have a question, You guys never review or even mention animated films. You Even go as far as using the term “cartoon” as an insulting term to describe films. Are they below you? Do you see them as a lesser medium? Or am I reading too much into it?

  • Kyle_delaney

    Yes, you are reading too much into it. They don’t use cartoon as an insulting term. They use it to mean cartoon. Something that’s wild and crazy and ridiculous that’s obviously not meant to be taken seriously. They also use the term schlock. Schlock could be considered insulting but they’re obviously fans of schlock when it’s appropriate.

    These people are experts in terrible movies. They attend the B movie festival every year. I don’t know how you could think any type of movie is below them.

    Animated films are just different. That doesn’t mean they’re worse. Red Letter Media has actually made some stop-motion films if that counts.

  • Eathmysheint

    JAY IS STARTING TO LOOK LIKE A MAN beard looks good bro

  • Shitheather

    HOLY SHITTY PLINKETTE sounds like ellen degeneres

  • Cohnwrithe

    Continuity… you guys entered the building through a glass door, and cut to you entering through a metal door.  WTF to that.

  • MatthewMelange

    i also wish they would review anime films like the secret world of arriety, but i really can’t blame them for what they do or don’t review, they review what they want, we just watch

  • MatthewMelange

    as a 23 year old, i didn’t even know about dark shadows until this movie started showing trailers, the brady bunch i did know from syndication

  • MatthewMelange

    i’m still enjoying this show, i think they’re getting a better rhythm in terms of comedy

  • MatthewMelange

    ACTUALLY, there was the corpse bride, but if you want to go live action, big fish was his last original ip

  • Johnny Depp was a massive performance in Dark Shadows cause the movie was written around him – like almost any Tim Burton movie is. What a waste of the great cast.

  • Crosko23

    Hey Jerks. I didn’t go and see Battleship BECAUSE I immediately knew it would be crap as soon as I saw the title of the movie. I DID see Avengers, because I enjoyed all the movies leading up to it, and felt like I was tricked into finally coughing up $ for a crappy summer blockbuster, poorly directed, over written, and poorly acted by pros phoning it in. 
    Its not a question of movie execution, but review consistency.
    What I couldn’t understand was why one movie was excused in these reviews for having the same basic elements as another, less “big deal” movie. Also, I don’t know what you are referring to with your opening line, Guest. Avengers DID make me consider giving up comics and movies altogether.And ann rain is a dumb ass!

  • Underwaterbimbo

    So the chicken Burrito was the Mcguffin in Battleship right? 

  • Danny

    Did Jay enjoy his Target brand bottled water that was apparently found on the floor of this abounded warehouse?

  • I agree.

  • Willyc87

    i almost kill my self after seen Battleship,.

  • Can we get this as an audio podcast?

  • Adam

    I almost killed myself after reading your comment.

  • did anyone noting that the aliens in Battleship tried very hard not to hurt anyone. they just want to go home. they only had one weapon. the where more like lost miners

  • Fuck_Commercials

    What is it with this fucking commercials?
    This is fuckin annoying!

  • g-town

    ah, fuck you.

  • deckameter

    So they overdub mr. evans voice when “mike” and “jay” scream in pain? Or do they all just screams in similar cadences?

  • sum1else4

    my friend accidentally rented transmorphers believing it was transformers. so, it happens

  • M.H.

    The cut-off date you guys are listing (Beetlejuice) for the last truly Tim Burtonish Tim Burton movie is set way too early.
    Batman Returns and Edward Scissorhands are about as Tim Burtonish as you can get in movies.


  • person

    the reason the movie flopped is that people knew it would be shit

  • pokey mcgee

    …what commercials? Where? I never saw any commercials.

  • Bryan Ekers

    I learned about Asylum’s knockoff “American Battleship” (now retitled “American Warships”) from this review and let me say – it’s a much better movie.

  • Steve

    you forgot to mention edward scissorhands

  • go_robo

    no. not fantastic… it’s JAWSOME!!!

  • DarklyDreamingDayln

    I’m still holding out for a film version of Brawny Paper Towels.

  • dapur

    I am currently dead.

  • Christopher Kulik

    I just take a shot every time I hear the ding in the background.

  • savas101

    Battleship wasn’t as dumb as you guys thought. Look closely and it leaves the question whether the navy is the aggressors. The aliens never fire first and they are constantly on the defensive. The aliens create the barrier then take out any aggressive/offensive positions. The kid is spared the scientist walks into the area the alien engineers are and walks out freely.. The aliens constantly determine if a target is friendly or not, even the destroyer is allowed to live once it turns around, even if it was easily taken out, then the aliens send one man in to simply disable the engines. I can go on and on. The only defence the navy has is it’s right to defend itself against the hostile force.

  • savas101

    The movie is a bit stupid and the dialogue is really dull and I honestly had the same opinion as Mike and wasn’t sure what the deal was, but this side of the movie makes me enjoy it. Maybe the director actually meant this and he’s a genius, by following orders and doing a dumb movie while at the same time intriguing those who actually look at it properly.

  • I felt the same way about both those (well with Mike on Battleship). Battleship is incredibly stupid but enjoyable schlock, at least if you can get pass the first act which is pretty intolerable. And Dark Shadows has its moments but has little to no focus or drive until there’s only like 40 minutes left and by then it’s kind of too late. I really like H B C in it though.

  • Calm Down Everyone

    I kinda agree with Matty here. I hate ads. Bill Hicks anyone…”kill yourself, seriously”. I don’t have a Facebook ect. because they shove ads down your throat and steal your info to sell to make more ads. No cable TV or commercial radio for me either. I’ve donated to RLM for Star Wars and I wish there was a pay alternative on this site. They would make more than the .002 cents they get per ad. And people do this kinda stuff for free and the love of art all the time. You don’t HAVE to make a profit off it. I would pay for the hosting cost personally if they would take down the ads.

    Finally for all you people out there getting all hostile towards Matt’s simple, short stated opinion should take a deep breath and relax. U guys are the dicks who are doing 98% of the bitching here. Attacking his opinion like he’s a horrible person for mentioning the adds on this site. I HATE the adds on this site now they are all sad shit like “She was killed on impact”. Fuckin buzz kill!!!

  • SnowBall

    that’s not the same doors in the beginning..!
    you hacks! <33

  • Trayan Iliev

    I like Half in the Bag, though I’m not crazy about it, but this one here… this one was a masterpiece!

  • urrrborrr

    “Brawny Paper Towels” = the very essence of “brand recognition,” Hollywood’s muse. “Outside the box.”

  • you guys didn’t like “big fish” with ewok mcgiver?

  • Obfuscationist

    Learned just yesterday that Asano Tadanobu was in “Battleship.” Combine that with his being in the upcoming “Chuushingura” remake which stars Keanu Reeves, and I think I’d better watch “Last Life in the Universe” next, to . . . y’know . . . get in the mood for my own suicide.

    Just hope I can hold on long enough to catch the next Plinkett review.

  • Turtle

    I bet there is a script sitting on someone’s desk.

  • Robby

    The ironic thing about Battleship is it probably could have played to a wider audience had they not associate themselves with the Hasbro game. Since it runs almost two and a half hours and only maybe five minutes is actual Battleship-the-game type stuff. If they had just tweaked it slightly and made a dumb action movie it might have been a bigger movie.

    They also could have renamed it Lens Flares: The Movie and no one would have questioned it. I thought Star Trek ’09 had a lot of lens flares but holy hell.

  • proghead777

    I watched the first episode of this series and I was like, “meh”, and forgot about it. “Just give me another Plinkett review, thank you very much”. Somewhere in the intervening episodes, it became something really good. Or, at least, it became something that my admittedly limited faculties could recognize as just as good as the Plinkett reviews. Why do I suck at predicting these things? Now I have to go back and watch every single episode. AWESOME.

  • proghead777

    Oh, dear sweet Christ, that is the future of movies, isn’t it? Chick flicks will be shit like, “Tampax: The Absorbening”. And we’ll have to watch them! KILL ME!!

  • ForwardEarth

    Rich strait up forgot to talk like Plinkett in this one, and no one noticed.

  • 2:57 looks like iron man hit the bottle again…

  • Duckler

    That spot on the wall behind Jay has made me try to wipe my screen three times now…

  • Famguy210

    The scene where the combat played out like an actual game of battleship was so dumb it was funny, but the scene that really pissed me off was the one where they DRIFTED THE FUCKING BATTLESHIP!

  • ASS

    Dark Shadows was fun; your review was vague and made you seem way too cynical.

    How could you not mention the werewolf subplot that came straight out of left field?!

  • Borous

    Why couldn’t Battleship just be a big budget naval warfare action/thriller movie?
    No aliens, no shitty characters, just two naval forces in a tense standoff maybe in a huge fog blind or something.

  • I’m one of those fans of the original show. I didn’t care for the movie though. The show was terrible but charming. It was like old Dr. Who for monster lovers. I can’t tell you exactly why the movie didn’t work–which is why Mike and Jay seemed vague in their critique. It’s hard to point at exactly what went wrong.

  • Because they pussed out on picking a contemporary bad guy. They can’t do Russia anymore and North Korea doesn’t have much of a navy. It HAD to be aliens. It was the only thing left.

  • Myself

    Well apart from Ed wood he has also been in fear and loathing in las Vegas, wich I think is worth a watch.

  • runciter

    sleepy hollow was a pretty good movie.

  • capnmorgan5150

    “I want Battleship out of my head!”

    You and me both, brother!

  • AlcaldeEste

    I enjoyed it, but you have to admit that it’s very much in the same category as Sweeney Todd, Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, Planet of the Apes, Alice in Wonderland and now Dark Shadows. “Take this story that already exists and make it look like a Tim Burton-movie.”

  • Ben

    We never found out why Plinkett left in the first place all he said was he was going to “figure things out.” wtf?

  • Patrick

    Dark Shadows was “watchable”? That’s stretching it a bit. I guess it didn’t bore me like Phantom Menace or Transformers, but I was cringing the entire movie with how pointless everything was. There was no build-up to anything, and none of the scenes led to anything else.

  • Sully

    Enter building through glass door. Metal door closes behind them.

  • YouAreStupid

    Which is what directors like Christopher Nolan, Zack Snyder, Guillermo Del Toro, Peter Jackson, and even now Steven Spielberg are doing.

  • YouAreStupid

    Which is what directors like Christopher Nolan, Zack Snyder, Guillermo Del Toro, Peter Jackson, and even now Steven Spielberg are doing.

  • williamsn411

    I just caught “Battleship” on HBO today and I have to say that I completely hated it. I agree with Jay that the guy with no legs was just horrible in the movie. The script was also horrible.

  • williamsn411

    I can’t believe Mike gave “Battleship” a positive review. Shame on you, Mike.

  • Sully

    Speaking of “mock-busters”, Amazon suggested THIS little gem to me today.

  • Eric Monaghan

    i really like the lighting on this set

  • Gregory Roth

    AC/DC was a long time ago.. it kind of is Grampa music now.

  • omgnoway

    I love when they have their reviews on the movie posters like “It’s not as painful as you’d think!”

  • geoff

    Very, very similar to my experience.

  • Tyber Zann

    especially when they didnt add it.

    “And then someone farts”

  • Tommy O.

    Making everything look like Tim Burton made it ?

  • Patrick

    They could always go back in time to when the Battleship game was first made. I guess they just wanted to make something similar to Transformers to mooch off someone else’s success.

  • Alex Lee

    Such as it is. It is as dumb as can be expected.

  • Joshua Barkdull

    Everything the guys said about Dark Shadows was true. But they left out one very important element. It had lots of payoffs with no build up, and lots of buildups with no real payoff.

    Two examples: (spoilers?)

    1) At the end of the movie the teenage girl is suddenly, out of nowhere a werewolf. For apparently no reason other than she was probably one on the show. As for teh audience we get to see that shes rebellious. We see that she is a bit of hippie. But throughout the whole movie there are no clues that she is a werewolf. It just comes out of nowhere because the filmmakers were bored of the already too long action sequence.

    Yet it’s treated as this big reveal. As if everyone watching is suddenly going to put all the pieces together in their head and be like “oooooh I see!” and get excited and invested anew in this fight sequence. But because it had no build up, no clues to piece together, the payoff just doesn’t work.

    2) Throughout the whole movie we get teased by the powers the little boy might have. He often talks about his dead mother. He seems oddly dark and mysterious. Even disturbed. He can communicate with the dead apparently. The whole reason the love interest girl is even at the mansion and thus in the movie is to take care of this kid who clearly has a lot going on.

    You get way more build up than typical for this sort of a character and then the “pay off” is he asks his moms ghost to chase a guy through the house for about 5 seconds. That’s it. He doesn’t shoot lighting from his fingers. He doesn’t float 3 feet above the floor and zip around the room. He doesn’t use his mind to toss lamps at the witches head. He just cries out to his mom.

    The teenage girl with the big “reveal” has no setup and the kid with all the setup has no payoff. Were these two characters once the same character in some earlier draft? Was the boy supposed to be a werewolf and had kept it a secret because werewolves and vampires are enemies? Then again this is based on a show, so was the kid with the super power of being a huge disappointment on the show?

    I would have been okay with them taking artistic liberties with that one.

    Then you have the totally predictable ending of HBC underwater at the end. So predictable of an ending in fact that people who haven’t even seen the trailer let alone the movie probably saw that one coming.

  • Jakefrom state farm

    Mike delivered the line “Lord why have forsaken me!?” as comically as a line out of Red Tails.

  • Zero Sum

    Why did they name their ship after the bass player from Led Zeppelin? This movie is so confusing!

  • AndyAce83

    What I think about asylum movies and other cheap movies is that if you skip trough the film you see just endless talking scenes. I have skimed trough a bunch of these films on Netflix and its talking, talking, talking. I may have skimmed the wrong movies but that is what I see.

  • capnmorgan5150

    “I want Battleship out of my head!”

    We ALL want Battleship out of our head!

  • Duckler

    It left mine about 17 minutes after I watched it. I do remember laughing at it a lot though.

  • capnmorgan5150

    I guess Jay didn’t find any half dranks beers in the dumpster.

  • Greg Toombs

    Russia’s back as a bad guy. Unless you want them to take back the Crimea and shit on Obama.

  • Leo Silva

    why Lord, why have you forsaken me?

  • dungeon master

    Del Toro? Really?

  • Jack Park

    Oh lord, why have you forsaken us? AAAAARRRRHHHHHHHH!!!

  • Jennifer Elise Bunnell

    Battleship definitely did feel like the palatable version of a Transformers film for me. There were a lot of parallels in tropes and visual style, but it never made me angry or have to suppress vomiting, and I did get some chuckles out of a few scenes.
    It’s a weird movie to champion, but it really does irk me that it did so much worse than its far more heinous cousins. In a nonsensical way, it makes me want to tell people “Watch Battleship! No really! Watch it. Watch it.”

  • The only thing more surprising than mike being “okay” with Battleship (an opinion i share completely by the way) is that they both liked Dark shadows…can’t make any sense of that, that movie was pure garbage.

  • Peter Berg is an alright director, I liked The Kingdom, and I really really like The Rundown…but thats everything of his that I’ve seen. He’s definitely a “‘Splosions” kinda director but somehow manages to escape being gratingly stupid.

  • sonicjrjr14 .

    Not really.

  • sonicjrjr14 .

    I didn’t care much for Dark Shadows, but I also view Tim Burton differently than you guys. I love his recent films for the most part: Big Fish, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (like it more than the 71 movie), Alice in Wonderland, Sweeney Todd, Corpse Bride, and Frankenweenie. Planet of the Apes and Dark Shadows fall more in the ‘meh but not awful’ category of Burton movies for me.

  • No, really!

  • Paulus Cañamonjas

    The intro segment, where Mike is talking about his breast reduction surgery…omg. I’m in tears.

  • Richard Thomas

    I like Dark Shadows as a Halloween type of feel movie. It’s not the greatest movie, but my favorite holiday is Halloween and with all the characters Vampire, ghost, witch etc puts a smile on face

  • Let me weigh in on something here…as much as I would enjoy sticking any one of my fingers in Eva Green’s poophole…Michelle has her beat by a country mile on hotness…

  • mcdanieldrew

    did you see the shitfest that was ‘9’?

  • Guest

    This review was 50% longer than the damne special was.

  • The Badger

    I watched DS and the first ten (non Depp) moments started out as an intriguing film in it’s own right, with some interesting character development and foreshadowing. But then it seemed they could not rush Depp onto screen fast enough which totally changed the tone. No intrigue. Then in the end they shoehorned a bunch of monsters of the week and…ending. There was a good film here. Tim Burton could not build it.

  • harry

    look up forgettable in the dictionary and instead of an entry it’s just a tiny picture of 9’s poster

  • Sp0ckr0ck

    You guys should make an episode about the Act of Valor. You’ll love its script and acting.

  • It’s less painful than you’d expect!

  • disqus_fnwCMQDX7u

    No mention of Edward Scissorhands?

  • Marc Wilds

    I actually enjoyed ‘Battleship’ it’s just a big dumb simple action movie with as much basis in reality as a 1950’s B-movie. I kinda like that, it’s refreshing that it doesn’t aspire to be more than that. I mean you can tell it’s ment to be campy given all the non-actors cast in it. I rather watch this 4 times than watching those 4 incoherent Transformer movies, the ones with big chrome piles of junk you can’t tell apart punching each other over and over again.

    It reminds me of another movie made ‘with the loving help and support of (insert Armed Service name here)’ called ‘Final Countdown’ (1980) [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080736/] where a modern day aircraft carrier get set back in time to the same day as the attack on Pearl Harbor by a mysterious storm because MOVIE.

    It’s all just an excuse to see Navy ships and sailors doing cool Navy stuff. I’m fine with that as long as it’s done well, and is goofy fun, ‘Battleship’ is.

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