Half in the Bag: Alien: Covenant

May 21, 2017167 Comments

Mike and Jay watch the new film from famed elderly filmmaker Ridley Scott.


Filed in: Half in the Bag

  • Andrew Edward Williams McKay

    Great job as always guys, love your stuff! 😀

  • I will an entire jar of pickled tomatoes if RLM gives a proper review to Cars 3 next month.

  • Steven Gibbs

    Jack, spikes?

  • Sans_Fi

    I would say that Prometheus irritated me more than Alien Covenant. They both were pretty dumb horror movies, but Prometheus pretended to be more than that. Prometheus tries to defend itself by saying that “you don’t understand it” by trying to be mysterious about their screwups.

  • Sans_Fi

    Also, this movie has what every prequel seems to do, that the original character/monster was SO awesome not because it just was, but because it was THE chosen one (Like Star Wars or Star Trek)

    The Alien was a cool monster, Ash even said that it was perfect, but I always thought he meant that as a hyperbolic complement. Now it seems that the Alien is THE objective of creating the perfect life form. It is not THAT perfect.

  • Orange_Wedge

    I liked this movie fine. Each act is kind of a different movie, but the first act is nice slowly paced sci-fi, the second act is a weird Dr. Frankenstein thing that kind of worked for me, the 3rd act is a kinda weak alien movie and probably the worst part. I’ve found a lot of people who have been hating on this movie are proud Alien fanboys/purists. Jay, I love you, but you’re an an Alien fanboy.

  • Havok Solo

    I want a Alien Movie without the Alien . . . wait let me explain I want see a movie in the universe with these visuals but dealing with some other space survival problem

  • Adez

    Well Ridley Scott no George Miller, with this dumbed down version of Promethus, which was an overly complicated version of Alien. Like how sad that Alien is so old but doesn’t feel like a cliche, yet this movie rehash slasher schlock

    Also sense when has explaing backstory of a horror character work, the Xenomorph were made by a bored robot? How was that cool, can we stop the weaponization of the Xenomorph plot, that’s getting old, they are too wild (not even the Space Jockeys can control them), also with Aliens, they seem to only want to reproduce with the Queen, they are not that grand or complex, but just animals

    Ridley Scott has such a sporadic career, he very technical but requires a great screenplay as he seem less interested, also rely on actors doing their jobs by themselves than work with them

  • Adez

    Why can’t the Xenomorph just be wild animals, the Space Jockeys can’t even control them, is there even a war that warrant these uncontrollable things, worse planning than Lex Luthor making Doomsday

  • Adez

    I’m of these Christopher Nolan wanking schlock by overly complicating the narrative with dull monologues

    The first two movies had subtext
    Alien was about rape
    Aliens was about Motherhood

    Done without a speech

  • Sans_Fi

    Or using Velociraptors for war.

  • A “Data’s Day” in the Alien universe? “David’s Day”. Perfect!

  • Leonsaint

    yes, i like it prometheus because that’s no alien in it.. the search for immortality and gods are the main plot

  • Geordi

    So tempted to watch but I haven’t seen the movie.. must be patient!

  • Donavon Bray

    Before I watch this, I have to say I loved “Alien Covenant”.
    No matter what happens here, I still love you!

    Actually, my biggest complaint about the movie is all the shit that’s not in it.
    I wanted more on the origin of David, the experiments on Dr. Shaw, and the death of the Engineers.

  • Donavon Bray

    There’s a laughably bad story in the comics about that alien at the end of “Prometheus”.
    Apparently it grew and mutated into a fucking mountain.
    WHAT THE FUUUUUCK?????

  • RPK

    Alien covenant was an abomination. They just said screw you to all the mysteries created from Prometheus because some whiny fans were complaining that there weren’t enough alien kills , so instead we get this dumb downed slasher movies filled with terrible cgi and terrible acting. They also decided that how the xenomorphs were created should be changed too, basically spitting in many fans eyes who actually remember alien and aliens . I can’t believe it’s the same Ridley Scott. Maybe he was on drugs? A Ridley Scott on crack is the only reasonable explanation.

  • Donavon Bray

    Okay. Now that I’m done with the video, here’s how I think the movie should have ended.
    They’re attempting to get to the origin of the Xenomorph, but they fucked up by actually SHOWING it!
    David should have stayed on the planet with the Engineer ship, converted Walter to his way of thinking, and have Walter smuggle the alien embryos onboard.
    After the fact, David would have been forced to leave the planet due to his creations turning against him after the violence that was shown to them.
    Have David take off in the ship, show that shot of Shaw on the table, pan the camera to the backroom with the eggs.
    The end.
    Wouldn’t even need another movie. It would be a logical conclusion that David ends up wrecked on the planet from the original Alien.
    There you go! That’s how the Xenomorph got made!

  • Donavon Bray

    I agree with everything you’re saying.
    They needed to leave the actual alien out of the movie.
    To be fair, Ridley Scott did the best he could with the screenplay. The directing is fine and the movie is visually great.
    It just falls apart from a story standpoint for about 50 percent of the movie.
    It felt like two movies; “Prometheus 2” and “Alien: Memberberries”.

  • What!!! I was just about to rewatch an old Half in the Bag to fall asleep! Now I have to watch this new one and stay awake for it.

  • Zek

    Jay got my biggest complaint and repeated it over and over because it’s true. There is no tension in this film. None at all. I could forgive a lot of it’s shortcomings if it created that tension for the audience but it failed so miserably at that.

    The Characters we just generic soulless husks that didn’t matter to me (outside of David/Walter and a little bit Tennessee).

    The film was a jumbled mess.

    I’ll do the fingering.

  • Donavon Bray

    That was my biggest complaint. It wasn’t scary at all.
    I loved all of the scenes with David, and Tennessee was a surprisingly likable character (not to mention, the only human character with any sort of motivation).
    Oh, and my wife and I laughed so hard at the “I’ll do the fingering” scene! lol
    Unfortunately, we were the only ones laughing.

    Living in Tennessee, I got the added bonus of hearing some guy in the audience experience some gay panic, though.
    When David kissed Walter, this guy in the back grunted loud as hell and screamed “NOW WHY THE FUCK THEY GOTTA GO SHOW THAT SHIT FER???”.
    It was hilarious.

  • Two Fastbenders… Too Furious. Now that’s a movie I would watch.

  • Donavon Bray

    I would like to see an Odd Couple style sitcom starring David and Walter.

  • Palpatine

    But obviously there will be another that will “explain” how the Engineer ship crashed on LV-427 with the Xenomorph eggs on it. And all that film is create even more plot holes! Oh, and a post-credits scene showing (a de-aged via CGI) Ripley is a given.

  • Donavon Bray

    lol Gotta have the CGI Ripley!
    In fact, I was preparing myself the entire movie for the embarrassing fan-service shot right at the end that never happened.
    I was expecting the entire time to get that one awful scene where they show the colonization pods and the camera lingers juuuuust long enough to show one that says “Ripley” or something stupid like that.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I would see the Odd Couple if it involved 4 shirtless dudes running around the forest looking for Bigfoot.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Was Mr. Plinkett getting a quote from … Rich’s House of Cakes?

  • Brian Levine

    You get the feeling that it’s 2am and Mike and Jay want to talk about the movie while it’s fresh on their minds even though they’re falling asleep.

    But I agree with Jay: been there done that. I have no desire to see yet another take on the same movie idea.

    Of course, this could be Ridley Scott giving the finger to everyone who complained about Prometheus.

  • Ret Marut

    Perhaps the most important topic is Scott’s interest in a PRISONER film. He’s been “attached” for a while now. Mike? Jay? Rich? Any thoughts? Be seeing you.

  • Donavon Bray

    DB Cooper versus the Odd Couple?

  • Jaws

    That sexy shower scene reminds me of that BotW EYE movie, if anybody remembers that. Where that tentacle thing rapes everybody.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    And Mike and Jay pulled that finger.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I agree. When Niles sleeps with Daphne the series loses tension.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I can’t wait to see Bladerunner 2049: Been There, Done That.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Will do what with a jar of pickles? You’re missing a verb.

  • frankelee

    Their borderline Prometheus apologetics makes me suspect that they are in fact two frauds, who lack real talent or depth, and just put out these videos as some sort of internet hack work.

  • The sad thing about this franchise was that its first sequel, even though a great film on its own, changed so much from the original that the series had lost its focus already then. As James Cameron pointed out in the making of, the creature is completely different, they had to change everything from look, behaviour and its very nature because the original was designed for a horrof ilm and he was making an action film.
    That and the Aliens script was originally meant as an Starship Troopers adaptation… thats why suddenly the xenomorph became a “bug” whereas before it had no insect characteristics in its behaviour.
    Sad that such a talented filmmaker does not have an eye for scripts anymore. Would love to see him do something with O’Bannon again if that were possible 🙁

  • Payback85

    “Oh, it’s a fully 3-d rendered Xenomorph, much like ones I’ve seen in all of the movies that I’ve seen.”

    OR…

    “When you have WARM NOSTALGIC feelings, you’re not experiencing horror.”

  • Ret Marut

    Da Vinci drawings. Nice, very nice Mike–you HACK.

  • Hank Schkorio

    24:06 Hmm that part of the trailer wasn’t in the movie at all…. wtf

  • Hank Schkorio

    Why does a robot need to draw? Did run out of internal memory?

  • Hank Schkorio

    What is the significance of the wheat? They make such a fuss about it, and it goes nowhere.

  • Hank Schkorio

    Didley Squat even says in an interview that they only put the alien xenomorph back in because that’s what audiences asked for. He’s got no artistic integrity. He also looks pregnant (perhaps with xeno).

  • Hank Schkorio

    I’m looking forward to Ryan Gosling “looking like he smells his own fart expression” for about 2hrs.

  • Hank Schkorio

    That was Didley Squat’s mistake, he’s old and he got confused and put Blade Runner into Alien.

    The xeno is the star of Alien, and they’ve reduced it to a poor reason to get to the next scene.

  • Hank Schkorio

    Once the alien has an origin it loses it’s mystique.

  • Hank Schkorio

    David jumps out of the Engineers ship with two suit cases of embryos?

  • This ain’t a Disney show kid – they don’t got that Marvel bucks for dem de-aging dope magic, I tells you they could maybe affords some wax and makeup, but you heard of this Grandy Moffin Tark? They didn’t spend the Marvel bucks and get what they dehsoived, yeh, because nobody said anything bad about Robert Downeh Jehwnyor when Marvel de-aged him, yeh?

  • vicomtepicabia

    The ultimate conclusion is that *Ripley* will turn out to be a Chosen One too, as was foretold by the Prophecy. That prequel’ll probably come out next year.

  • Donavon Bray

    All kinds of yes!

  • jmt

    Prometheus could almost have been fixed in editing:

    – Engineers terraform planets with black goo and leave;
    – They leave clues to the military base so that if a civilization develops space travel the primitive new species will go to the base;
    – The engineers at the base will know the planet their creations came from has resources to support space travel and support advanced civilization;
    – They can then go back, kill of the indigenous population (that they grew) and take over the planet.

    They could have included most of the religious themes, the mystery of the engineers, then engineer waking up and killing everyone. Naomi Rapace suddenly discovering they’re bad guys makes sense and so on…

    Instead of our DNA being identical, it could have been similar with some sequences that are a map to earth. That a clue to Naomi.

    Just a couple of small changes could have made it all make sense.

    Or do something else. I just don’t understand being so lazy that you can’t make your plot hang together in the simplest way.

  • Aaron James

    The original script for Prometheus is available online – it’s called Alien: Engineers, and it’s the screenplay that was written before Damon Lindelof did a rewrite.

    If you read it, you’ll be outraged that they didn’t make that movie. The dialogue was a bit clunky and probably needed some punching up, but it’s absolutely the Alien prequel/jumping off point for a new Alien narrative that everybody wanted.

    What’s most frustrating about it is: all of the scenes that pissed you off so much are still in that first draft, but they actually make sense, and the characters don’t behave like morons in them. The biologist still dies when he’s attacked by the penis-snake-thing, but in the original script it isn’t because he tries to pat it, etc.

    I feel like the decision to rewrite Alien: Engineers into Prometheus badly derailed the whole thing, and it sounds like Alien: Covenant doesn’t actually do much to correct that.

  • Urdus

    the positive thing about Prometheus and Covenant is that they trash the AvP universe. But I have to wonder if that was worth the damage they caused to the alien mythology.

  • Casey D. Mann

    I rewatched Prometheus a couple weeks ago myself, and I really think it would have been a much better movie if there were no humans in it. Also, the final scene is completely unnecessary.
    With that said, I’m waiting for Covenant to be available on my home theater, but I have a nagging suspicion I will have a lukewarm-to-cold reaction to it.

  • Andy James

    Did the original script fix the part where I don’t care about the backstory of Alien?

  • No humans? No no – that’s if you wanted to make a decent Aliens vs Predator movie – you either do it with space marines from Aliens, or you don’t put any humans in it whatsover. I can’t tell you how much AvP disappointed me as a youngster, being that I was a huge fan of the video games – and they just turned it into teen slasher of the week. Prometheus I suppose in many ways was much the same when you look at the human characters they all just act like dummies and wander around until they get killed. That’s a slasher movie, and as Jay and Mike noted, it doesn’t really fit with all the themes of playing god and discovering the unknown.

  • The AvP universe =/= those garbage movies. You do realize they were comic books and then video games first, right? There’s nothing to be trashed, really. It’s just a fun concept, and tbh the games went deeper into the lore than any of these crap movies did.

  • Urdus

    Agree. Only that I fail to see those sci fi barbarians making genetic manipulations tbh. As I wrote I’m not sure if it was worth it. Now we have definitive answers that rule everything else out. Maybe it would have been better to have left things in the unknown. For Alien and AVP fans.

  • Jean-François Martel

    i like the first one fir the messy unoriginal shit that it is… the end is fun with the predator and Sanaa Lathan fighting the queen in the snow.

  • To be fair I’m making a stretch of logic – I sort of mean a continuation of what they were doing but just using what they had leftover – ie letting facehuggers hug different species of things to create new and different types of hostile xeno critters (a la the dog alien in Alien 3) – as opposed to playing with black goo to do even weirder shit. It was lightly insinuated in the second game that the predators had adapted, stolen, or traded technology with the space jockeys at some point – but more like their FTL capabilities and weapons – but I’m not sure how in line that is with the comics – which I am only beginning to read just now. I agree though, sometimes things are just better left as a mystery – fear of the unknown goes out the window when everything is laid out detail for detail.

  • Bleurgh

    The significance is that the planet was inhabited recently, but there is nothing other than plant life there. Where are the animals? Ooooooooh, spooky.

    (The black goo infected them all and birthed proto-aliens to kill the rest)

  • Bleurgh

    It was doing so well until David shows up. I think that’s where it went off the rails a bit. All of a sudden the characters are in different spots just because the movie needed David to interact with and/or kill them one by one.The scene in the ship and the scene with the proto-aliens and the flashlights in the wheat-fields were pretty cool.

  • nametaken

    bombing the engineers was essentially destroying the interesting ideas in Prometheus.

  • Nicolas

    You guys should review TV shows. I’ve just started watching Dirk Gently by Max Landis and it’s interesting.

  • Alien movie fact!

    Lance Henriksen in Alien 3 playing the “human Bishop’s creator” is NOT a human! It was a trick to get Ripley to trust them, it’s just another Bishop Android that is more devious than the one she’s used to.
    This is seen after she clubs him in the head to kill herself and the alien. When he’s screaming as she goes down, his fake android ear is seen dangling off.
    If he was human he’d probably be in too much pain and blood loss to be upset about her sacrifice.

  • I thought this as well, mostly because of his ear being smashed halfway off. I don’t remember it showing milky blood, but who’s to say they can’t dye it red to make him more human? But yeah I think the intention was that he lived a longass time ago and his image is kept alive with the use of androids.

  • Charnelhouse

    They don’t know they’re on the Engineers’ homeworld – though they never really established the Engineers as responsible for plant life on Earth.

  • Charnelhouse

    Scott didn’t just rip off his own Alien – he ripped off the Star Trek:TNG episode that introduced Lore! Walter and David had the same dynamic going as Data and Lore – David was ‘too perfect’ so they made changes to the Walter version so humans would accept him more.

  • Movie Wan Kenovie

    Didley Squat… priceless…

  • Movie Wan Kenovie

    To me Prometheus had a similar problem as the Matrix Reloaded: I liked parts of it but had to see how the following sequel would address all the lose ends before giving my final veredict. As it turns out neither Revolutions nor Covenant addressed shit.

  • Spoiled Ants

    “Now we have definitive answers that rule everything else out”.

    Says who? Lindelof?
    For me, none of what happens in Prometheus or Covenant is canon. They are just overlong Twilight Zone episodes with a director who’s half-assing it. They didn’t ‘destroy’ the mystery of the original movie, nor did they grab the p…. of my childhood.
    The original is perfectly fine in my imagination, and I don’t even regard Alien 2-4 as canon, because they are all basically a remake of the first film, each time with a different take from a different director.

    For the record, those two new movies were written by some hackneyed Hollywood screenwriters, the original creator Dan O’ Bannon wasn’t involved in any of this. I guess being dead makes it difficult to collaborate. So as far as I’m concerned they are just glorified fan-fiction films propped up by hundreds of millions to make them look legit.
    Like all the other comatose franchises that are kept alive by an artificial breathing machine ( Terminator, Jurassic Park, Star Wars…).

  • Gerald Potterton

    So is the King Arthur: Legend of the Sword review coming next week or what?

  • metalraygear

    The problems with this movie are so extensive. I am coming from a place of loving the original films and really enjoying Prometheus – despite the obvious problems.

    This movie further propagates those problems (dumb character choices taking front and center) by trying to distance itself from Prometheus. The choice of going to the planet wasn’t even remotely earned, and could have been out right avoided all together if say the ship needed extensive repairs, or a pod containing embryos had been jettisoned, or if Walter had been somehow guiding the ship there all along.

    The ALIEN framework would have worked better if they weren’t so hell bent on moving the story at a break neck pace.

    But most disappointingly is how they chose to end the Engineer storyline. It was baffling. Especially since they had established that they wore a suit- it would have been much easier to have David masquerade as one and subtly begin experimenting and brining destruction to their society. That was the more compelling movie. That is where I would have preferred this to go. Killing Shaw off screen was a huge mistake.

    I am so conflicted with this movie because it was not horrible. it was just okay.

    I am less excited for the next one- mostly because i was so ready for this to veer off in a new and challenging direction.

  • Brian Levine

    They had no more story to tell. It was just a cash grab.

  • Movie Wan Kenovie

    Who are more hackish? The hacks or the hacks who watch them?

  • Tommy Wiseau

    Fuck you James Franco! how dare you pretend to be Tommy in “Disaster Artist”.

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    More than that, the Borg and the Engineers have a lot of design similarities, and I wouldn’t be at all surprised to have David leading a group of Engineer’s he’s manipulated into following him, not at all unlike the second Lore episode (or was that the third Lore ep? Whatever)

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    I said at the time that it would’ve been a better film if it was nothing but watching David play around on that space ship, while the crew slept. You could probably rework the plot to only have him (and maybe Idris Elba’s character) survive to reach the planet.

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    The AvP comic books weren’t bad, what I read of them. Certainly better than the movies; the plots fit both universes quite well, without ruining either the xenomorphs or the Predators.

    Though nothing beats the first Batman vs Predator comic.

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    I’d pay to watch Alien Convent, just in case any hollywood execs are reading. A bunch of nuns killing xenomorphs with rulers would be awesome.

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    I don’t see the point in even having a living Engineer in the film; nor having them be the bad guys, in a film series with a perfect villain already. Prometheus has about five bad guys, and the only one anyone cares about isn’t even there (the xenomorphs) until maybe the final thirty seconds.

    Why not just have the humans arrive at the Engineer World only to find it a ruin, so old almost nothing has survived, and the characters awaken the monster that killed off the much more advanced civilization there. (Oddly similar to Lovecraft’s “The Mountains of Madness”, now that I think of it)

    And then only toward the end, when the survivor(s) are about to kill David for being a jerk/liar/psycho, he announces that the world isn’t the Engineer homeworld, but just a local hub, and it was cut off when the infection broke out (the black goo/xenomorph). Which he learned when he activated some of the still functioning computer tech on the planet. And only he can lead the characters to the homeworld, and the answers they came to the planet to find.

    Same film, but leaves a lot more of the mystery of the xenomorphs and Engineers, without all the mythos ruining “midichlorians” crap of Prometheus.

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    Why candles, his eyes can’t see in any other spectrum? (They hinted he could, actually, in Prometheus when he sees more in the green slime/computer tech than the humans do)

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    The hacks. The rest of us are just bored and will watch anything. Except PreRec, of course.

  • frankelee

    No, when he dies somebody gets those pickles.

  • Aaron James

    Facetious question, but here’s a serious answer anyway:

    Sort of, in that while the original script is a direct prequel to Alien (unlike Prometheus, which was almost a direct prequel but then introduced a bunch of weird little differences), that’s not actually what it’s about. The fact that it sets the scene for Alien is basically a side-note.

    It works because being the backstory to Alien isn’t actually what it’s interested in being. It’s not a traditional prequel. Instead, it’s starting its own new story about the Engineers that branches off, and that story is steeped in cosmic horror, whereas the Alien story is more about visceral horror.

  • Bleurgh

    They did Stranger Things because Netflix wrote them a cheque. I don’t think they want to review another netflix tv show without getting paid because it will set a precedent of them giving it away for free.

  • Brian Levine

    Or Alien Governess: Mary Poppins and black soot vs. xenomorphs and black goo. Plus classic Disney animation and songs.

  • Bleurgh

    I saw this in the theatre and yes, everyone laughed at the fingering line. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was deliberate. Ridley Scott seems to think the whole reason Alien works is the connection between fear and sexuality. Look at the design of the thing. This also explains the weird shower scene later on in the movie.

  • Mediocre Cereal

    I went to the theatre wanting to see some Alien action and that’s what I got. If you dont really care about the back story and the mythos that comes with these movies, then you’ll probably enjoy it. If you do then i guess you get some explanation here. I paid to see what i wanted and that’s all that matters because at this point, does the origin/backstory even really matter?

  • frankelee

    I’m surprised they didn’t remember the Ridley Scott interview where he intimated Christ was a blue man group, and the reason they wanted to goo Earth was because we crucified him. Also surprised they forgot that xenomorphs also happened to be in Alien vs. Predator several hundred years before the events of this film, and appeared to have been fighting Predators for what is hinted to be thousands and thousands of years.

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    De-aged him? Heck, he spent the entire 3rd Iron Man movie with his head cut off and copy-pasted on another actor’s body, all cause Robbie Jr. broke his ankle. And no one noticed!

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    The perfect life form? It couldn’t even kill a cat! Heck, it couldn’t even kill an 8 year old girl with bad hygiene.

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    Pickled tomatoes? That’s a thing? Huh.

    I do like the weird dark trailer for Cars 3, though I’m sure it’ll be the same crap as the previous two films.

  • Jaws

    Somehow I doubt we’ve heard the last of Alien. They’re gonna rape that franchise til it’s asshole falls out.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Sounds like another Sunday afternoon in the Boston archdiocese.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Black goo? Is this a Twin Peaks crossover event?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Like The Book of Mormon, Dianetics, and The Contract with America?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Xenomorphs have a thing for single malt scotch.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I always experience horror when they play Morrissey on the radio.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Jack’s opinions are as edgy as a Matchbox 20 song.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Given that craft services on the set had nothing but day old deviled eggs and discontinued Hot Pockets, you may indeed be correct, sir.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    But would it have Garfield?

  • Urdus

    Scott said already he wants to create a whole universe around Alien with at least 5 movies and massive battle scenes. I wonder what he smokes…

  • Donavon Bray

    His biggest problem is the contextualization of the sexual aspect.
    In “Alien” it was subtle and, for the most part, easily missed if you don’t already have the knowledge of his intentions going into the film.
    This time it’s all SEX AND DEATH all up in our faces.
    He might as well have made special appearances at showings of the movie and beat audience members over the head with Xenomorph colored dildos.
    This time, he went too far with the underlying theme of the original and threw subtlety out the window.
    From the basic colonization plot to the “birth” of the Xenomorph.

    From the seemingly aborted fetuses of David’s earlier creations (not to mention the…*ahem*…”orifices” of the Protomorph’s mouths) to Shaw being flayed on a table like some sort of hellish cesarean, he took the things that were only hinted at before and brought them to the forefront.
    In doing so, he took what was once an uncomfortable subtext and made it obvious, losing a basic primal fear in the process.
    The alien was scary because it was ALIEN. It was this unknown entity with no known logic, history, or remorse.
    What it had was a strange combination of the two most common thoughts of humanity: sex and death.
    That’s what makes the original an uncomfortable nightmare.
    This time around, I feel like they should have left the alien out entirely.

    I actually did love the movie but, for the first time in my life, I wasn’t scared of the Xenomorph.
    It’s always been the only thing apart from Michael Myers that would make me think twice about leaving the curtains open at night, and now I feel like even Ridley Scott doesn’t understand what makes the creature so horrifying.

    Sorry for the long reply. lol
    I’m a bit drunk and I’ve been seriously considering this movie after the fact.

  • Casey D. Mann

    That would have been a more interesting movie, because then we wouldn’t have “specialists” in their scientific fields defying the logic of
    common sense to bog the movie down!

  • Bleurgh

    You know he’s just doing it because people are willing to pay him money to do it. If someone said they’d pay you a fortune to make an alien movie you’d probably shit out a half-baked alien cinematic universe too.

  • Bleurgh

    AvP isn’t canon and really who could care less. AvP 1 and 2 were garbage.

  • Scott Zee

    You know what else has gotten really boring? You two being really bored with things.

  • Urdus

    the point is he is 80! And I think it has more to do with fixing something than money. Making Alien his baby again.

  • Mugato

    Damn, Mike really hates old people.

  • Brian Levine

    You know where all this is heading: old Ellen Ripley clone will travel back in time to stop the xenomorphs. Of course, she will interact with the real, younger, CGI Ripley. Pandemonium ensues!

  • Really a missed opportunity though, some of the comics are kind of great. I think it really did start as a crossover novelty idea (what if this fought that), but some of the comics, and definitely the second game, experiment with ideas and expand on the mystique associated with the predators and the engineer race that allows for some pretty uniquely satisfying narratives. But no – I don’t think anyone would argue them as canon – although they did a damn fine job not really contradicting or undermining anything the original alien and predator movies setup – which is the exact opposite of what the AvP movies did.

  • Mike and Jay probably “forgot” about it because the filmmakers also forgot about it when they decided a race who has been hunting aliens for hundreds of years wears one-time use blades on their gauntlets which melt like butter when touching alien acid.

  • Jaws

    Isn’t that the plot to Alien Resurrection.

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    No, no; they’ll send the ‘recast with a younger actor’ Cpl. Hicks back in time to meet the younger CGI Ripley, before hooking up with her daughter just in time for the Alien Isolation spin-off.

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    No, it’s an X-Files crossover event.

  • Brian Levine

    Chim chiminey
    Chim chiminey
    Chim chim cher-ee!
    When you’re out in space
    Best have Ellen Ripley.
    Chim chiminey
    Chim chiminey
    Chim chim cher-oo!
    Your luck will run out
    When you face the black goo.
    A facehugger kiss
    Then ee’ll blurst out of you.

  • Joe Syxpac

    And then we could have a three-way crossover with Alien v Predator v Terminator.

  • Marc Greene

    Didn’t it mess up the continuity of the original Alien? The Xenomorph (queen?) that laid the eggs they found burst out of a Space Jockey that was “fossilized” according to the dialogue, right? Knowing that it is all tied back to human/android actions that made a supercreature bioweapon frankly sucks

  • To be honest, I found it a bit of a chaotic mess. But I’d like to see what RLM made of it.

  • Joe Syxpac

    I was very misled by the title of this movie, A Lien: Covenant. I thought this was a legal thriller about a guy trying to raise enough money to get his ship back from the bank.

    Needless to say I was disappointed.

  • Spoiled Ants

    James Cameron came up with the Alien queen, Ridley Scott went on record to say he didn’t like this idea at all, and obviously he rejected it.
    So there you have it: none of it makes sense, it’s just a movie franchise to make money, and not historic sciences.

  • Spoiled Ants

    Ridley Scott was lucky on the first Alien to work with a solid script and snag three exceptional artists who dropped out of a Jodorowsky project. It was a perfectly made sci-fi slasher, yes, but it was never deep.
    THat’s why I don’t get Ridely Scott’s sudden urge to turn this into a ‘Tree of Life’ meets Godfather saga.
    Kinda reminds me of some other dude who did a bunch of silly prequels to retroactively turn an SS officer into Space Jesus. And it always ends up better than our imagination right?

  • Thanatos

    “He was never seen again”

  • Thanatos

    Money. He smokes money.

  • Strelnikov

    They didn’t drop out of Jodorowsky’s Dune, the project hit a wall and fell apart.

    Really Alien is a mashup of It! The Terror from Beyond Space and Planet of the Vampires which were 1950s and 1960s popcorn sci-fi flicks, but with better effects and greater tension-building.

  • Let’s not forget the strength of the actors/actresses who helped sell the tone – the fact that they all feel just like some random space trucker schmucks – you know, like actual people who relate with one another – helps strengthen the alien slasher aspect of the movie because you kinda sorta care about the people who are being killed off. And it’s not like I’m saying it had extremely well and fleshed out characters – it was more like we were capturing a slice of life from what would otherwise be well fleshed out characters in a different type of movie. That opening scene when they’re having breakfast is for some reason my favorite part of the movie – as Jay has commented before, it almost feels improvisational. Just people having conversation, not knowing at all that they’re trapped in a horror movie script.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    “Kinda reminds me of some other dude who did a bunch of silly prequels to retroactively turn an SS officer into Space Jesus.”

    Mel Gibson?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I thought Al Ein: Covenant was about a Jewish deli owner from Queens who takes a journey to the Holy Land only to discover something special about himself?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    “You may fire when ready.” — CGI Moff Tarkin

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Alien: Prolapse … ?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Is that the original title of Transformers: the Last Knight?

  • Joe Syxpac

    Oi vey!

  • andychrist

    in the book and deleted scenes …. the alien eats some people , uses some secretion or other to mutate other people into eggs and uses others as hosts ……. there is no queen or egg laying .

  • andychrist

    idve liked it better if the seenomore wasnt in it , the two films work better as a tale of AI meglomania.

  • Yeah, that idea just makes their lifecycle more confusing though, so I like James Cameron’s streamlining of the concept. I mean think about it, that’s almost more confusing than the black ooze – you’ve got a creature that hatches out of an egg, uses someone as a host to get bigger… then they need a second person to turn into an egg? And then another person to facehug? That just like doubles the amount of 3rd party participants needed in order to do anything at all. Personally, not a fan of the “egg transformation” concept because it’s not at all efficient and it’s just an unnecessary complication of the whole process. The way it works in Aliens is perfectly linear and there’s nothing confusing about it – queen lays eggs, eggs hatch facehuggers, facehuggers use hosts to grow – drones bring back more hosts – repeat.

  • Well Ridley Scott is apparently an elderly hackfraud so who cares what he thinks?

  • Spoiled Ants

    I don’t believe any accusations about him, if you spell Gibson’s name backwards it says Nos(e)big!

    #nineelevenwasahandjob

  • EJ

    Ridley Scott’s a brilliant director but he’s not a writer. You give him an excellent script and he’ll turn out an Alien or a Blade Runner. You give him an incoherent mess and he’ll shit out something like this.

    I actually really liked Prometheus at first, because I originally watched it on a plane from London to L.A. at the point where you’re on an 11 hour flight and you can’t sleep and you just want to turn off your brain and have something cool to look at. Then when I watched it again in a more critical frame of mind I realized how dumb it is.

  • EJ

    There’s no shame in using a video game as a source. The Expanse was originally going to be an online RPG which the creators turned into a series of novels when the game got canceled, and now it’s a fantastic TV show.

  • EJ

    I think concern among audiences for continuity and “canonicity” between movies in a series is a pretty recent phenomenon. James Bond movies rarely used to give two shits about linking any of the movies together – each one was just another exciting adventure for our favorite sharp-dressed British spy. Sergio Leone’s “Dollars Trilogy” was never even intended to be a series, that was just its US marketing, and the same actors pop up as completely different characters in the different movies. Ditto the Mad Max movies.

    I think the Star Wars OT was one of the first series to at least try to resolve continuity problems, although they were often pretty sloppy about it – “…so what I told you was true, from a certain point of view.” Yeah, ok, Ben. Audiences at the time just didn’t really care about that stuff.

  • EJ

    I’ve got nothing against dumb action, but when somebody’s directed the likes of Alien, Blade Runner, Black Rain, Gladiator, Black Hawk Down, and The Martian, it’s fair to expect more.

  • Spoiled Ants

    Here’s the thing: old-Ridley Scott wouldn’t have fiddled with a good script. But supposedly; that’s what he does nowadays and what he did on Prometheus, if we believe screenwriter No.3 Damon Lindelof.
    Assuming the early drafts WERE good scripts, I read an earlier version by Jon Spaiths and athough he had a more interesting creature in mind the script was still very “meh”.

  • Spoiled Ants

    I was thinking about the Bond movies too, when I was writing the comment. The Bond movies never gave a damn about continuity and I liked them for it.
    But beginning with Daniel Craig’s run they started using more and more continuity driven storylines and of course ‘realism’.

  • “Fuxin Wit Da Black Ooze” – that really should’ve been the title of this film.

  • EJ

    I also think he doesn’t do well when the plot gets too complex. Blade Runner, Gladiator, Alien (especially) are all pretty simple stories told really well. Telling a compelling story while creating a complicated, consistent universe seems like it might be beyond him.

  • EJ

    Yeah much as I do like Craig’s Bond that bugged me about his movies. First of all, we already have a more gritty, grounded Bond, his name is Jason Bourne – and that led to three excellent movies that then kind of petered out as trying to maintain the universe got in the way of storytelling. The tension was most pronounced in Skyfall. I liked it but on the one hand you had this enjoyably ludicrous plot and then it was combined with dead-serious acting, grimy, “realistic” action, and attempts at continuity with the other films.

    I loved how George Miller cheerfully spat in the face of all that with Fury Road. “Yeah the main baddie in this is played by the same actor that played the main baddie in the first movie, but he’s a totally different character. In my day, that’s just how we did things. Deal with it.”

  • Spoiled Ants

    The director of Skyfall admitted that they modeled the movie after The Dark Knight, so again, it comes down to Hollywood taking the wrong lessons from the Nolan films. But they always copy the aesthetics/surface textures rather than the core, because it’s so much easier to get good visuals than good storytelling.

    And here’s where George Miller did the complete opposite, he stylized/updated the visual look of Mad Max, but the core and the themes are still present in his film. Fury Road still feels like an amped up, younger cousin of the Road Warrior.
    Whereas the new Bond movies are too far removed from the source material in my opinion. But I think it will change, I can imagine that there’s a cheesy Bond waiting in line on the grimdark horizon. And if not, we still have Kingsman 2.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    It’s a stealth sequel to Cool As Ice.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I need to confer with David Icke on that.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    You should be so lucky, bubbeleh.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Black Rain, aka Muddy Cinematography.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    [singing Mary Poppins tune]: A spoonful of sugar make the — OH MY GOD MY EYES!!!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    The grain self-cultivated?

  • Jaws

    It would’ve been nice if Ridley Scott read the script before he filmed the movie.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Alien: Covfefe?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Dale Earnhardt also hit a wall and fell apart.
    **slide whistle**
    **sad trombone**

  • Pop Culture Reference

    The House of Yes, with all songs by Yes.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Is Didley Squad the Fetlife nickname for Ned Flanders?

  • Strelnikov

    To quote Patton Oswalt: “Whackty-Schmackty Doo!”

  • Strelnikov

    I took the deleted scene in Alien as something Xenomorphs do if a standard one is stuck without a hive; it converts prey into eggs so that a queen facehugger can be born to create a queen Xenomorph and a hive can start. The confusion about the creature’s life cycle adds to the alien-ness and mystery that the series has been ruining since the hackjob that was Alien 3.

  • That’s a logical deduction and I can certainly buy it.

  • Strelnikov

    I call Alien 3 a hackjob because it went through four scripts and was fiddled with in editing by the studio. The idea of the dog alien is right out of the Aliens arcade video game, which had flying Xenomorphs and other wilder ideas.

  • Heck yeah -put some wings on them mother fuckers, let’s get crazy with it.

  • Summer

    So many questions.

  • This movie was almost so bad it was funny. The part where they walk past the dead civilization and they’re looking around like “what the fuck happened here” – and then Evil David shows up and he’s like “what’s up let me tell you about what the fuck happened here.” – I laughed out loud. Then the captain guy was like “we have to be sure we’re not infected” – Evil David: “You would know by now” (and they would, it took like a minute to get an alien growing in your chest) – and even though he’s been given this reassurance the captain continues on: “Because we’ve got hundreds of colonists aboard our ship!” – to which Evil David obviously rubs his hands together and says something along the lines of “Ohhhhh reallyyyy?” and that really should’ve been followed with a comical evil laugh. I might be the first to say I don’t even think Fastbender was particularly good in this – but the problem may have been the writing.

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