Best of the Worst: The Last Vampire on Earth

August 21, 2017171 Comments

Mike, Jay and Rich Evans are joined by Colin from Canada to discuss the unsung bad movie masterpiece The Last Vampire on Earth, which is in no way “inspired” by Twilight.


Filed in: Best of the Worst

  • Nice. I literally just made breakfast, this is perfect.

  • Svas Tara

    2nd 🙂

  • frankelee

    It’s too early to watch this shit. I’m not even drunk yet. Why am I even here?

  • Mr_Show

    Yay!

  • Foreman 371

    Finaly!!!

  • Craig Rigby

    they remade the cover of near dark to look like twilight as well, its a fucking travesty.

  • EJ

    After Mad Foxes Colin’s the last person I’d trust to pick a movie.

  • EJ

    The weird thing is Vitale Versace himself is better looking and has more charisma than the guy they cast as the lead. Plus he’s got a Eurotrash accent that works with the vampire concept. Why didn’t he just play the role himself?

  • RLMkeepitup

    jesus that’s too much Nukie, what’s wrong with you people!

  • Mike Magnum

    When are they going review Nukie.

  • Andrew Carter

    Zack Snyder’s “Super AIDS”, coming to the DCEU next Christmas!!!

  • RLMkeepitup

    clearly he’s no Len Kabasinski

  • RLMkeepitup

    brb going outside to stare directly at the solar eclipse

  • EJ

    or Tommy Wiseau.

  • EJ

    Isn’t there some target number of copies that fans have to send them before they review it? Or did I imagine that?

  • Terriosaurus Hex

    I don’t get how any creator could look at that work and feel anything but deep seeded shame. Is it some tax break scheme, Uwe boll style? Is there any profit being made with this? It’s not got any artistic vision. It’s got to be a front for something, surely. Get your top guys on this, RLM!!

  • Mike Magnum

    Im planing on sacrificing a goat to appease the gods.

  • Cakefarts

    Seeing someone who has artistic aspirations fail so completely makes my heart ache. Consequently filmmaking that bad ceases to be funny.

  • B_P_L

    Please, please, please make the audio book happen. That would be incredible.

  • Lexi Express

    It a different level of incompetence. If he starred in it, it would just be part of his auteur delusion. Here he has the clarity not to star in his films yet watches other people behaving this way and thinks “yes”.

  • EJ

    I’ll give this movie some credit – they at least tried to do something interesting with the vampire romance concept, what with the AIDS and the girl being a Christian Scientist or Jehovah Witness or whatever. I mean at least somebody sat down and said, “OK, what are some ideas we could bring to the table given that our romantic lead drinks blood?” The ideas are not particularly good, but contrast that to Twilight.

    Now, I’ve never seen Twilight, but isn’t the whole plot basically R-Patz falls in love with K-Stew, something something they have a baby, something something they fight werewolves and then evil vampires? And there’s a love triangle in there somewhere? At least this movie tried.

  • aldenscott

    I didn’t know those were all copies of one movie. I thought it must be a series or something. Holy cripes…

  • Moist

    James Woods portrayed AIDS-conscious Dracula on SNL. Like Twilight and TLVoE the sketch is not good, but at least it’s brief.

  • langweilig

    philadelphia bruises..thats funny. i am always enjoying your shows, thank you!

  • peterablex

    or Neil Breen

  • thismachinekillsfascists

    Fred Durst was actually saying that he did it all for the Nukie.

  • peterablex

    I think you are very brave to watch these films every other human being would not.

  • peterablex

    It’ll do wonders for my insomnia

  • Mike Magnum

    “This is Twilight with Terrible Acting and even worse Dialog.”

    I find this to be a very ironic statement. But ill give Robert Pattinson some credit. Hes not too bad once you look past his Twilight crap. I actually liked his character in Lost City of Z.

  • RLMkeepitup

    two of the worst actors i’ve scene, zero chemistry. I’d say they nailed twilight very well

  • I think, therefore I comment.

  • The fact that movies like this are able to be made without all parties involved being subseqnetly found mysteriously drained of all their blood, appears to indicate that vampires don’t exist.

  • Ret Marut

    Just a few minutes in and Jay’s obviously drunk. Well done.

  • Stirling Netzlaw

    Africa has an aids epidemic. It’s not racist.

  • EJ

    Kinda wish they’d got Len to help review this one. He helps reviews of horrible indie schlock from getting too mean.

  • RLMkeepitup

    there are countries with comparable rates to the US, its a bit of a generalization

  • That movie looks like a Tim n Eric skit.

  • Flyingguillotine

    Perhaps she got her full-blown AIDS from the same prostitute who gave it to Liam Neeson.

  • EJ

    Sure, but it’s a huge problem in large parts of Africa, particularly sub-Saharan Africa. The idea of somebody getting HIV while on a missionary trip to Africa isn’t totally farfetched.

  • Percy Gryce

    RLM still love us oldtimers. On the very top of that shelf are the French and Italian versions of Nukie that ol’ Percy Gryce sent in on, uh, let me check my log, yes, on September 27, 2014. Very timely use of fan-submitted materials, RLM.

    [Cross-posted from the Youtubes]

  • I’m really glad that even though they made a Shrek joke that nowhere in this video did they play the song “All Star”.

  • EJ

    “All Star” is the most unintentionally hilarious song ever recorded. Just the way he sings “WELL!” absolutely kills me. I guess I just ironically appreciate a lot of bad music the way more normal people love bad movies.

  • FiachSidhe

    *sigh* I thought I’d never love a vampire movie again after Ankle Biters.

  • psk

    At least the lead girl is super cute and rocks the school girl uniform. It’s got that going for it…

  • John Luck Pickerd

    I’m surprised nobody has mentioned Rich Evans hat yet.

  • It’s not that – well it’s a little that, you know me – and I can actually unironically appreciate aspects of just about any kind of music (just about) – it’s more that it’s been beaten to death as a meme. If you haven’t seen a picture of Shrek followed by an overdriven version of All Star that speeds up every time someone says _______ then I envy you.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Hey, it’s “Piss Tub” Colin!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I thought King Jong-un said that?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I felt the same way about Life is Beautiful.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Unless that Canadian cloning program from Orphan Black turns out to be real. Remember, Canada gave us both Deadpool and Gordon Lightfoot.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    You sound pissed.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    — Socrates

  • Foreman 371

    yepp. Recomment to everyone here “Empire of Dust” to get a small glimpse of the mentality there.

  • Chowderbatter

    If RLM doesn’t have a regular Sergio show up and running in one month, I’m going to throw a tantrum.

  • Thanatos

    What is it corny or something?

  • It’s pretty clear what their implications were, though. It’s far, far more likely that you’ll get some sort of bizarre stomach virus or some other uncomfortable or deadly thing you aren’t properly vaccinated against.

  • MonkeyKing1969

    I think the cast interviews show the correct amount of “do I have to talk” and “I really wish none of this was on film”.

    With that said, making a film like this requires some ingenuity and though. The fact that this movie had a concept and story that they execute with some narrative logic is pretty remarkable.Sadly to make the movie even slightly better woudl have required 10x more money and 5x more time.

  • EJ

    I see what you did there…

  • Definitely one of the sleaziest things they’ve seen in awhile. Of course, nothing tops the hypnosis tape..

  • Foreman 371

    I doubt its even about vampires. It’s a your standart teen romance and the fantastical is just used to keep the audience from sleeping in. The average Twillight fan (-girl) looks at a true vampire fan as if you are something she couldn’t flush down the toilet.

  • EJ

    Yeah that’s what I mean – it’s just some teen romance with vampires stuck in – this POS at least tried to do something interesting with the vampire concept.

  • Brian Levine

    To be fair, Robert Pattinson also has the charisma of a wet sack of gravel.

  • Andy James

    Everwood used the same story element to complicate the relationship between The Substitute 2 and the lady with the giant forehead.

  • Andy James

    There are lots of delusional people in the world. A few of them make movies like this.

  • Bubs

    Okay, yes, the idea of someone getting AIDS in Africa isn’t itself racist. And could make sense given the right context (i.e., if the girl was a doctor in an African hospital and got stuck with a needle on accident.) But it doesn’t. It has all the thought put into it as “She went to Africa and didn’t wash her hands properly and got AIDS.” Sure you gotta make some leaps because you can’t know what anyone else is thinking, but I think it’s pretty clear where the director was coming from on this; “Don’t ever go to Africa, all the blacks got the AIDS there, and you’re pretty much guaranteed to get it.”

  • LameSame

    Wait, is the ending a repeat of somewhere earlier in the video or am I still tripping?

  • EJ

    Fair enough. I do think the doctor is delightful though. I just imagine Versace giving direction:

    – “OK, so you’re a doctor, you’re highly educated, you went to college for like ten years.”
    – “We just dunno how da cahktails are gonna work. Dere ain’t no cure.”
    – “Perfect!”

  • Dustin Garcia

    It’s the old mascot from America’s favorite food snack Corn Nuts!

  • EJ

    Remember how Borat was funny for like 10 minutes before you got bored, and then 10 minutes after that you said, “wait, isn’t this kinda racist?”

    That would be Sergio.

  • EJ

    Well, we talked about this, but for me, shitty music never stops being funny. I may have a problem.

  • I’d probably be quicker to say I’m the one with the problem but that’s fair enough.

  • I was kinda thinking the same thing but I didn’t wanna be the whistleblower here.

  • DRP103

    Did they wait purposely till solar eclipse day to review this “movie” or not?

  • EJ

    I’m not saying Sergio is terribly offensive, but there’s this “idiot foreign guy” stereotype that’s becoming kind of tedious in western comedy. He’s vaguely Balkan/Eastern European/Greek/Central Asian but since he’s technically white, it’s ok I guess. Sure, Martin and Aykroyd playing “wild and crazy guys” was funny, but that was almost 50 years ago.

  • EJ

    Sounds more existentialist to me. Perhaps it’s a quote from Camus?

  • RLMkeepitup

    we need more movies so we can continue to compare them to the original twilight trilogy

  • Pop Culture Reference

    The Last Vampire on Earth: the Steve Bannon Story, starring Fat Tom Cruise, directed by Alan Smithee, based on the novel Push by Sapphire.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Like the Godfather movies?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Mr. President, no!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I wondering why the corncob was getting crucified?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Vasily Versace is not, how you say, a screenwriting genius.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I’m preparing my body to defeat any case of AIDS.
    **goes back to drinking Brandy Old Fashioned**

  • Pop Culture Reference

    This was movie is also allegedly “unrated.” I was waiting for the hardcore sex scenes between Stepford Girl and Fat Dracula.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    All the others run for office.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    “MARTHA!!!”

  • Pop Culture Reference

    [in Russian accent] Do the shimmy slide!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Isn’t that the sound a cow makes?

  • PrinceFroggy

    “Oh no, I accidentally burned out half of the lights.”

    Far from it – Jay actually brought one of the lights back to life with the fidget spinner!

  • Yeah I actually had to put off watching it until I got back from checking out the eclipse that morning. Took a two hour trip to get right in the path of totality – shit was tight.

  • Possibly Trendy

    Trade Mark (1):
    Strikingly blue eyes

    He wrote this himself, didn’t he?

  • Moist

    Is that why “Kong Skull Island” exists?

  • RLMkeepitup

    I watched that movie on an airplane and it was still hard to sit through

  • Brian Levine

    Will you sign my online petition to have Samantha Bee’s show renamed “Bitchin’ About Trump”?

  • EJ

    Aren’t they supposed to be in college? Why is she wearing a schoolgirl uniform? Are there colleges where women dress like that? If so, why didn’t I know about that when I was picking a college to attend?

  • EJ

    I feel like they’ll never fix the “O” now, just because commenters make fun of it all the time.

  • EJ

    Does it include asking her why she doesn’t want her kids to go to school with black children?

  • EJ

    He really comes alive in interviews when he talks about how stupid Twilight is.

  • Moist

    Him and Frampton both.

  • EJ

    How much do you think this movie cost to make? Like $30K? At the absolute most? And it got distribution. I’m sure there are enough diehard twilight fans that’ll watch anything that looks like twilight that this movie made money.

  • Tommy Wiseau

    “if Tommy Wiseau directed Twilight”. Fuck you Gay Bauman, Tommy would make much better Vampire movie. Tommy is a goddamned vampire

  • Brian Levine

    Yes, and you’re still tripping.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Vampire Lestat? More like Vampire Eclair, amirite?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Why? She’s probably jealous of Steve Bannon, since he has bigger boobs than hers.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    President Gerald Ford was tripping throughout his presidency.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    So “Frampton Comes Alive” album was about his being a vampire?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Tim n Eric have higher production values and better writing.

  • Moist

    Pfffft. Werewolf Monte Cristo gets it done, son.

  • Moist

    No, it was about how he thought Twilight was stupid and couldn’t find anyone who felt the same way about it.

  • Moist

    It threatened the existing power structures by preaching compassion, tolerance, and forgiveness. Accept Corncob Christ into your heart as your personal lord and savior.

  • Moist

    You’re doing it wrong.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Sir Mix-a-lot? Is that you?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Is that a reference to weed or how women didn’t shave down there in the 70s?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    A-maize-ing grace
    how sweet the sound
    that saved a high fructose corn syrup like me.
    I once was lost
    but now have high blood sugar
    and so forth.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Hey, Sailor Moon University has a highly prestigious Hematology program. Despite its title, Intro to Upskirts and AIDS, is a challenging class.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    That’s what she said.
    **crickets**

  • Pop Culture Reference

    And totally and completely redundant.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Shame? He’s a Russian caricature masquerading as a film maker.

  • Moist

    LMGTFY: “70’s bush”

  • Big Dog on Krampus

    even worse, you were required to sit through it

  • nathan griffin

    And totally and completely redundant.

  • Moist

    No. And who the hell knighted that guy? Who had the vision and foresight upon meeting plain old Mr. Mix-a-lot and conferred knighthood upon him BEFORE “Baby Got Back” was even released?

  • Moist

    Miraculously after three days He emerged from the cave as fully intact niblets.

  • Bubs

    It’s Gay Buttman actually, get it right Tommy!

  • Brian Levine

    You didn’t like the latest Transformers movie? Cus it both sucks and won’t die.

  • Joe Syxpac

    I think this movie is a spin off from The Man from Earth.

  • EJ

    No Monte Cristos at the werewolf Bar-Mitzvah. Spooky! Scary!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    He looks like a vampire who has subsisted on a diet of whole milk and donuts.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Who made you king? I didn’t vote for you.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Don’t forget David Letterman’s favorite guest, Dick Assman.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    It’s actually a peninsula.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I always wondered why Cheryl Tiegs was holding a guinea pig between her legs in those vintage pics.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    He may be the King of Corns but I still hate candy corn.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Like Larry Craig?
    **sad trombone**

  • Pop Culture Reference

    That’s why I crush up Ambien and put it in my Zima.

  • RLMkeepitup

    Coke Bloat™️

  • Jake Nunez

    Who made you king? I didn’t vote for you.

  • Moist

    Is it a 12 inch peninsula?

    I wished we were going to Candy Apple Island.

  • Moist

    That was a guinea pig? I thought it was a muff warmer.

  • Joe Syxpac

    I did the same.

    We were dumb enough not to bring eclipse glasses but some random stranger was kind enough to let us borrow one of hers.

  • + VW Clean Diesel VW /+

    I only collected it once to buy me a unique item. Oh wait. Wrong reality!

  • + VW Clean Diesel VW /+

    we royals say it was “God” when we mean “wealth” and “murder”

  • Moist

    Lorde help us.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    It’s like the vampire is doing Kevin Smith cosplay.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Fnord help us.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    That’s what happens when I put ice cream in my coke … er, I mean Coke.
    **wipes nose, looks around, totally not paranoid**

  • Pop Culture Reference

    It’s times like these I wish I renewed my license as a Bikini Inspector.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    **throws bread at Smash Mouth concert**

  • Pop Culture Reference

    “Africa isn’t a country?” — Everyone in the Red States.

  • Papa Figo

    I guess the writer wanted her to get AIDS and didn’t want to create an emotional backstory for that. As far as generalizatons go, this one is not far from the target.

  • RLMkeepitup

    we saw your coke nail, cats outta the bag

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Dammit, kitty! Get out of coke bag!

  • Pop Culture Reference

    It’s only 12 inches in that wet sack of rancid oatmeal Trump mistakes for his brain.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    It’s weird how Kazakhstan is less anti-Semitic than Charlottesville, Virginia.

  • stryker1121

    Will Vitaily become RLM’s new muse, replacing Neil Breen?!

  • hector

    I didn’t know those were all copies of one movie. I thought it must be a series or something. Holy cripes…

  • Duckler

    Oh please, The hot girl and schlubby troll thing has been played out since Half in the Bag: Episode One..

  • Duckler

    And they only need like two or three more before they review it.

  • EJ

    Hardly any of those alt-right goons were from Charlottesville. Charlottesville is in general pretty liberal.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    This vampire has all the dark sexual charisma of a tub of shelf-stable lard.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I thought what Mike and Jay had was purely platonic?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Luckily staring at the sun without glasses is a behavior reserved only for brain-dead slobs.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    At least he doesn’t LOOK like a wet sack of gravel, unlike Tubby Shrek Vampire Dude.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Hey, watch it with the word “goons.” Don’t lump those alt-right smegma-goblins in with the heroic patriots of Somethingawful.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Except in the looks department. Vampires aren’t scary when their bodies look like eggplants.

  • EJ

    mmm… lard.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    I thought Cameron Mitchell was their patron saint?

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Obviously drunk is the best kind of drunk.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Would you accept Paris Hilton as a substitute?

  • Tony

    or Neil Breen

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Why go to African to get a bizarre stomach virus? Just have lunch at Old Country Buffet.

  • john smith

    Sergio is gonna love new movie The Foreigner, it stars both Jackie Chan and Pierce Brosnan!

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