Best of the Worst: Scary or Die, Chopping Mall, Exorcist II: The Heretic

October 30, 2016134 Comments

Boooo! It’s the 2016 Best of the Worst Halloween Spooktacular, featuring clown monsters, evil killer robots, and James Earl Jones wearing a giant bug costume!

Filed in: Best of the Worst

  • Som

    woo

  • Chris Schmidt

    I was just thinking ‘huh, no BotW for Halloween’. Then BAM, magic.

  • Joe M

    Ditto, the hackfrauds have saved my Halloween.

  • Variant

    OH BOY! I can’t wait to bomb some dodongos.

  • Variant

    2spookly 4 me

  • Jegsimmons

    Alabama does have gun stores in malls.

    Its awesome.

  • RLMkeepitup

    All I remember from Exorcist II is James Earl roaring and people staring at lights

  • DanceOfBirther

    Good Rich Evans, that noise reduction on Chopping Mall is egregious. But by the Savior Rich, two of my all time favorite bads in the same episode, that’s CRAZY!

  • Ole-Kristian Øverby

    Oh nooooooo! You guys dressed as middle-aged white cultural appropriating racists!?

    I’m soooooo offended. Prepare for mean tweets and idiotic media writ
    ing about it!

  • maikimo

    i usually think jack is a weak addition, because, even though he says funny things, he doesn’t really have the notable personalities of the others (even the wizard, somehow). but, he was pretty solid this episode. get drunk more often, jack.

  • RLMkeepitup

    15:41 the fifth element breaks the fourth wall

  • Omega

    WHAT?! Baba Yaga isn’t a demon nor meant to be scary! She is an old senile witch that lives in a house that stands on giant chicken legs. Do you even watch soviet russian fairy tale movies?

  • Commander X

    Exorcist II is on my personal list of bad movies because, really, it’s just a big mess. It’s not a case of “sequel that isn’t on the same level as the original”, it’s not even a pale attempt at cashing in on the original, it’s a muddled movie with scenes that happen for no apparent reason and lots of pointless attempts at “arty” shots that are pretentious rather than impressive.

  • Variant

    Mike’s gigantic smug head floating into frame was just the best thing

  • b-

    Yay, Halloween!!!!!

  • Cream-A-Thon

    I think Mike’s rehab is going well, the emptiness inside of him seems to have subsided and let him enjoy watching these movies without having to dissect them afterwards. A few more movies ‘for fun’ for Mike and we should see a full recovery. Or a priest.

  • RLMkeepitup

    it really is a cluster

  • mumd0g

    Wow, you guys did XTRO and now Chopping Mall, two films that scarred my childhood. Awesome.

  • Thanatos

    I want to see these frauds handling trick or treaters at the studio. Have Scientist Man answer the door.

  • junkevil

    Nice, more content! Keep it coming, hackfrauds!

  • Like Icare

    Oooh! Nice. Something to watch… tomorrow. Stupid body… wanting sleep… demanding rest.

  • jmt

    Both Scorsese and Tarantino liked The Exorcist II so maybe Rich and Jack share a wavelength.

    Linda Blair was 18 by the time the film came out but maybe not legal during filming so I am not sure about proper fapping protocols.

  • Palpatine

    “Hello there children, I’m Scientist Man. The candy I’ll be giving you tonight are Hershey’s Kit Kat chocolate bars. The ingredients in these candy bars include sugar, wheat flour, cocoa butter, nonfat milk, chocolate, refined palm kernel oil, lactose (milk), milk fat, contains 2% or less of: soy lecithin, PGPR (emulsifier), yeast, artificial flavor, salt, and sodium bicarbonate. Wait, why’re you all leaving? Are my scientific facts boring you guys?”

  • Mistah J.

    I’ve always enjoyed the cinematography and music in Exorcist II.

  • Thanatos

    Have like a Jackolantern next to the door, and it plays a Rich Evans laugh when people ring the doorbell. That’ll scare away the kids.

  • Jack Hagerty

    It’s pretty obvious that Rich has never really swung an axe in his life…

  • DanceOfBirther

    Just skip Exorcist II and fap to her in Red Heat.

  • Thanatos

    They sure love knocking over that Darth Vader

  • RLMkeepitup

    he wisely avoided chipping the concrete, he can predict the future

  • Jaws

    Wait, shouldn’t it be ”Trick or Treat Motherfuckers”

  • Fred Frink

    In K-mart in Sydney, Australia in the 80’s there was a gun section. On a nearby shelf sat the awesome official Rambo knife with a tactical compass at end of the hilt.

    For sure there would have been gun stores in US shopping malls.

  • RiverboatGrambler

    Two BOTW in two weeks? WE’RE NOT WORTHY

  • Joe Syxpac

    I get home to find a new BOTW? What a happy Halloween!

    Though my attitude might change in an hour.

  • bassbait

    Exorcist 2 is almost as funny as the first one!

  • EJ

    These guys live in Wisconsin. I find it hard to believe they’ve never seen guns sold in a mall.

  • Mike Magnum

    Kokomo? Can i get there fast and then take it slow?

  • Joe Syxpac

    When I was a kid the nearby mall had a Woolworth store in it that carried firearms.

    But they banned pizza with pineapple and Canadian bacon. As most sensible stores would.

  • Bruno Corbin

    Great episode, you guys are in spectacular form this time around! BTW the director of Clown is directing the new Spiderman movie :O

  • Mike Magnum

    This must be a different Red Heat then the one im thinking about. I just remember seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger naked butt.

  • Showbiz Pizza Bear

    Only a matter of time, Rich. You can’t escape me……

  • RiverDevil

    There’s Dick’s Sporting Goods in the Los Cerritos Center enclosed mall in LA (Cerritos). Although I cannot be certain, long-guns are shown as in-stock (limited qty) at that store under store availability (if they weren’t sold at that specific location due to CA law I am sure there’d be a warning online). While this specific store wasn’t around in the 80s, I am sure, as Fred Frink mentioned, there was a Kmart or other similar department store with a hunting section which sold long-guns in an enclosed mall in Calif, especially 30 years ago when the state was still somewhat “red”. Typical of Rich’s political/social issues knowledge

  • Joe Syxpac

    Good work with the lighting, camerawork, and timing in that final scene.

    You guys are almost getting competent.

  • Jaws

    Actually, Chopping Mall is a social commentary of consumer culture.

  • DanceOfBirther

    It is different and much worse, except for naked Linda Blair. She was naked a lot in the 80s.

  • Mr_Show

    Yay!

  • AreyouaNazi? Isthatyourelf?

    That ending was a better horror movie than just about any Hollywood ones from the last decade.

  • Robert Malone

    Even if that border control guy knows about zombies, why does he assume any random person he sees is a zombie? Clearly no one involved in that short realized that ripping off the end of Night of the Living dead doesn’t make any damn sense if it’s not a widespread outbreak.

    Also, when Rich’s hand-chopping sound effect came back that last time, I did my first actual spit-take.

  • Joe Syxpac

    According to the border control there’s a lot less paperwork if you just call em “zombies” when you shoot them.

  • Excuse me, Exorcist II may have disappointed, but to include this Morricone-scored, John Boorman-directed and decently-budgeted piece into Best of the Worst, for all its shlocky giallo vibe, is like serving canard à l’orange with a Happy Meal. I’m sorry, but I must protest!

  • Red Skeleton

    Delivered content on time! It’s a Halloween miracle!!!! 😀

  • Like Icare

    Only good wereclown story is the Dexeter’s Lab one.

  • The problem is that people always view it as an inferior installment to its famed predecessor, whereas in fact, if you were to watch it on its own, it works pretty well as a giallo flick.

  • Like Icare

    It’s a metaphor for Ronald Reagan’s career.

  • RIP Jay Bauman 198?-2016

  • Chowderbatter

    “Thatsareelparuhduhbabayaggamihh.”

    Rich, your easy charisma is turning this up-until-this-episode heterosexual guy 100% gay for you.

  • Chowderbatter

    I’m not ashamed.

    It’s natural.

  • Chowderbatter

    Hey, this is America.

    We put guns in kids’ cereal.

  • Chowderbatter

    All of these guys are growing on me. A swell bunch with no weak links.

  • Chowderbatter

    “Do you think anyone has ever fucked in a Kay-Bee Toys?”

    This is the type of quality film criticism and sophisticated connoisseurial inquiry that we would never get from a Rex Reed or Roger Ebert.

    Okay.

    Maybe Rex Reed.

  • SqualrusWalrus

    I really want a boom box keyboard.

  • Variant

    Lighting = evil – that’s just like Star Wars!

  • Brian Levine

    Watching ElRey last night, saw Eli Roth’s promo for Hillary Clinton, calling her a great role model. Scariest thing he’s ever done.

  • RLMkeepitup

    to be fair she is the most realistic robot to date

  • SeekerLancer

    Extreme Ghostbusters, a children’s cartoon in the 90’s, did the same clown story better.

  • Variant

    They were just countering Jack’s joke that he isn’t aware of the new Spiderman with clown shame. I’m unsure whether his joke is because Jack thinks the film will be bad, or it’s just one of their traditional “we don’t know nothin bout nothin” jokes.

  • Thanatos

    I think that’s their excuse for all the immigrants they shoot.

  • SUPERMAD

    only three beers, Jack? He’s a cheap date.

  • Frank Lovejoy

    All political commentary in entertainment is inherently stupid (try re-watching or re-listening to anything produced during the Bush years, it’s like children smearing their own feces on the wall).

    Political commentary about immigration is uniquely stupid.

    For example, I just watched ‘Blood Father’. I was actually really interested in it because there are so few entertaining, escapist movies made anymore. But it was crap, and to rub salt in the wound the foreign director had some weird aside where they have to ride with illegals crossing the border, the (racist?) Mel Gibson character says something, and his daughter snidely chimes in “Like Americans will pick fruit”. But Americans do pick fruit. Less than 3% of illegal immigrants work in farming. Nevermind the entire idea of reintroducing slavery, and for some reason feeling good about it.

    And then there’s the whole Machete fiasco.

  • Frank Lovejoy

    Slow clap.

  • Joshua Norton

    Much better than that fucking hack George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead.

  • Jay Boo!man and Mike Shocklasa – The Count and Countess of fright
    Lich Evans
    Jack Hackhard
    Josh Gravis

    Happy Halloween, you undead hack frauds.

  • Variant

    The bag should have read “Fan Hellsing”

  • frankelee

    But what I don’t understand is why did Rich keep filming? And how did he manage to hold the camera 6 to 10 feet away from himself the whole time?

  • Alex Doucet

    Chopping Mall has a ton of Terminator references. (Among others)

  • Mangiagli1145

    I really wish they’d do a re:view of the monster squad.

  • Jean-François Martel

    did you get that Scary or Die tape from Québec?

  • metalraygear

    that was fantastic guys!

  • instant relief

    This wasn’t as bad as I thought it was gonna be. *cleans vagina*

  • instant relief

    R E P O S T !

  • Tovi

    Wooo I’ve been using the same background on my laptop all October! (The background from the “backyard.”)

  • Barry Meltfarb

    The clown plot was done to great effect on Dexter’s Laboratory.

  • Robotpals

    They live in MILWAUKEE, where the government won’t let people use scissors with sharpened ends and sews everyone’s mittens to their sleeves.

  • Robotpals

    Possible callback to Parole Violators?

  • Like Icare

    Maybe it’s a brand? You know… like the way you can buy Bear Grylls knives.
    Someone’s gotta be filling that niche, supplying that crowd…

  • Mark Bisone

    The Scary-or-Die clown reminds me of the great bit in “Jon Benjamin Has a Van” where Jon gets bitten by a Hasidic rabbi and becomes a werejew, then later on gets bitten by a gay guy and becomes a gay werejew.

    Getting bitten and becoming a were-something seems like ripe, highly exploitable cinematic terrain, but its mostly just been wolves. By now we should’ve at least seen some werehobos, a wereninja and six or seven films about werenerds.

  • EJ

    I’m sorry you were victimized by that movie. Perhaps you need a safe space?

  • Neal Hyde

    Did James Earl Jones know that he’d be half naked and wearing a bug costume when he signed the contract to appear in the movie? Just reinforces my belief that you always read the fine print first.

  • RLMkeepitup

    his dad was cook in a B movie called sleepaway camp. apple don’t fall too far?

  • Frank Lovejoy

    I’d kind of like Max Landis to come back so they can ask him to relate his father’s thoughts on murdering Vic Morrow and those two Vietnamese kids while filming “Twilight Zone: The Movie”.

  • Frank Lovejoy

    I’ve always felt that werewolves (or were-anything, although technically getting bitten by something and turning into that thing is also zombie lore) are the weakest of the classic monsters … except for the mummy.

    I don’t know why that is. Maybe because as humans we need more humanity in our terror. Zombies are scary but a hairy dog-man biting people never seems to turn into a popular franchise.

  • Frank Lovejoy

    I guess everyone knew about “A Bucket of Blood” but me, but so far that’s the best referral to another movie I’ve gotten from RLM (most of Jay’s picks are squirm movies at best and perv territory at worst).

    “A Bucket of Blood” is actually quite good. I’d say it’s better than “The Little Shop of Horrors”. And it’s really funny to see that pretentious “anti-establishment” social rebellion goes in cycles. Gives me hope the current wave will die off soon.

  • Frank Lovejoy

    I have a safe space. Speaking of which, say hi to your mom for me.

  • Frank Lovejoy

    When Max Landis comes back, he can ‘Chronicle’ the answers to those questions.

  • Mark Bisone

    That’s why we so desperately need Len Kabasinski to produce “Bite of the Mummy.” He could kill two birds with one stone, plus two passing motorists, and probably a deer.

  • Wolvy

    Hillary is ready for her close-up, Mr. DeMille!

  • Whiskey Jack: Lord of Pith

    Aqua Teen Hunger Force did the whole wereclown thing so much better. Including the giant feet and changing during sex. Even the compulsive juggling.

  • Jon

    GET OUT, RICH!!!! GET OUT!!!!

  • bleurgh

    The Brendan Fraser 1999 Mummy movie had some genuine scares for me as a pre-teen.

  • RiverDevil

    Can you afford Carlozo?

  • LameSame

    Zombies are kind of like all the time werewolves

  • Like Icare

    You don’t become a werehobo by being bitten by a hobo.
    You have to use hobo’s needle to inject heroin. Which makes you an addict and gives you aids – thus your community shuns you and you become a hobo.

  • Like Icare

    “a hairy dog-man biting people never seems to turn into a popular franchise”

    That’s cause fuckers can’t get it right – it’s MAN-wolf, not wolf-man.
    Wer means man. Who is actually a wolf.
    Not a tragic but handsome, accidentally bitten individual who turns into a wolf because Moon – a creature pretending to be man in order to eat you.
    I.e. Hannibal Lecter. If you want to emphasize the “eating people” aspect of it.

    Or… The Thing from The Thing – if you want to emphasize the “one of us is not what he claims to be” aspect.
    It even comes into the camp masked as a dog.

    It’s supposed to be a story of paranoia and danger, where the human gets eaten in the end.
    Like Little Red Riding Hood… where the eponymous little Red Riding Hood goes through a forest and along the way meets a stranger.
    Whom she addresses with “My, what big eyes you have!”
    To which he replies “Leave me alone kid! Can’t you see I’m trying to take a shit here!”

  • Mark Bisone

    I think you’re confusing them with werehookers.

  • Malevolence

    James Earl Jones has played in a lot of schlock, ppl forget that because of that one iconic part he’s known for, you know the one I’m talking about, Mr. Mertle from the Sandlot

  • Pulp

    Actually the principle message of the Malleus Maleficarum is that Satan tricks women into believing that they have magic-healing powers, so that they focus on him rather than on God . Satan uses these witch-healers to slowly avert people from God, because they put their faith on them instead of turning to the grace of God . Of course the ultimate goal is to see the witch and the seeker to burn in hell.

  • *nostalgia wave*

  • Bubs

    For-eh-ver. For-eh-ver. For-eh-ver.

  • Popo Bawa

    Or – maybe you are merely presuming that the movies you watch were intended to be entertainment. I prefer to think of movies as being an art form. And like all art forms, they also function as a communications medium. Whether or not a given person happens to find the process entertaining is beside the point.

  • Popo Bawa

    I think that Exorcist II is terribly under-rated. I approached it without any expectations because I disliked the first movie. When I was a kid, schoolmates built up The Exorcist to be the scariest thing ever, but I wasn’t feeling it. My guess was that maybe you had to grow up Catholic to find it scary. Years later I watched it with fresh eyes at a friend’s house and appreciated it as a thoughtful and well-crafted film.

    But since I considered the first movie a let-down for not being weird enough, I was eager to check out the sequel. Especially after having seen some of it on television, inspiring a strong “WTF am I watching?” reaction (nearly always a good sign).

    The first two-thirds are solid John Boorman high weirdness. Biofeedback dream transference coupled with an Ethiopian locust demon was brilliant. Quite well-made technically also. Unfortunately, I think that the last third is rather weak. I suspect that they were made to tie it into the first movie somehow, but that seemed to come out of nowhere and was a poor conclusion to the story.

  • Like Icare

    Whorehookers? That’s a bit tautological.

  • Frank Lovejoy

    “Blood Father” wasn’t meant to be entertainment, but rather was a means of communicating some manifesto? Who knew?

  • Frank Lovejoy

    Maybe that’s it, then. Kind of like “he was dead the whole time” was a great narrative story for an “Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge”, but now is just kind of lame.

  • RLMkeepitup

    as weird as part II is, part I is way more frightening. even if you ignore the theological and it was just a random brain lesion the transformation of Linda Hamilton is shockin’

  • Popo Bawa

    I don’t find either of them to be frightening, but then again I am weird and disturbed by different kinds of things. Possession and turning into monsters I always thought was interesting, but not scary.

    It’s been about 12 years since I last saw Exorcist, so I don’t recall the specifics. I saw it as an allegory to Regan’s mother’s inability to cope with family life and commitments, so her kid becomes literally an outsider. I should probably watch it again sometime.

  • RLMkeepitup

    watch it with the kids on Thanksgiving for more leftovers

  • Popo Bawa

    Another Exorcist sequel which hardly anyone seems to know about is “The Ninth Configuration”, a 1980 movie directed by William Peter Blatty, based upon his novel ”
    Twinkle, Twinkle, “Killer” Kane!”. Even though it is a mostly unrelated story which does not involve possession, it is the story which Blatty wrote as a sequel to The Exorcist.

    The movie is a blast, It involves a psychiatrist who arrives at a remote castle full of deranged military who are completely unmanageable. It’s hard to tell if they are mentally ill or just anarchists who are fucking with people. I found the story interesting, and it’s a solid movie with great performances.

  • Clinton Arneson

    14:59 PAPYRUS APPEARS!! <3

  • RLMkeepitup

    RIP Jaws… for now.

  • IamSithAzagoth

    nice catch

  • Jesus Quintana

    He insisted on that being added before he would sign.

  • The Killjoys. It was fun. And terrifying.

    “Mighty Max” also had a creepy clown episode but that was about the clown transforming people into freaks via magic fun house mirrors.

  • You guys do the best Halloween specials.

    Now I look forward to your Christmas specials. Unless you decide to mix it up this year and do a Kwanza episode. WOOF, that would go over like a concrete balloon.

  • My ex wife

    A shame that Mike wasn’t there to enlighten everybody on the fact that Kai Winn was in the Exorcist 2.

  • Adam Baldwin

    Looking forward to “Fuck you, it’s January!”

  • Malevolence

    The scariest event this time of the year is the Presidential election… we have to choose between a withered out old mummy and Frankenstein monster without a brain, you decide which is which

  • Nardog

    Chocolate rain…

  • Bill Hiers

    I don’t think clowns are creepy. Just vaguely annoying.

  • sigaba

    Respect for Corbin Bleu, he was one of the key cast on High School Musical (he was the one not-white one).

    Also the Cardinal in Exorcist II was Victor Laszlo in Casablanca.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    What about Max Landis? He’s pretty scary.

  • Pop Culture Reference

    **votes for Boo Berry**

  • Pop Culture Reference

    Jack Wayne Gacy.

  • odigity

    Anyone notice the direct reference to Chopping Mall in last night’s episode of Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD (“Broken Promises”) – the show that used to have Patton Oswalt on it?

    Coincidence?

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  • sigaba

    Your semiotic theory professor gives you a B- for this comment.

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